


Professionalism not Included

by zFzL4



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Am I tagging this right?, Does it matter?, F/F, F/M, M/M, Meme Wars, Memes, Poor Winston, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, ana is literally the best, chatfic, everybody hates jack morrison, he made a mistake, junkrat is destructive, mccree is a savage, mercy is embarrassed to be seen with anyone, onward, overwatch is so gay, reinhardt is a secret meme master, stop adding so many characters blizzard fucks sake, there's fuckery to spread, too many memes, torb is meme daddy, tracer fucks up a lot, why is liao not a character yet, winston is just so done with everyones shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-01-10 11:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 70
Words: 177,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12298326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zFzL4/pseuds/zFzL4
Summary: A chat room is opened for the convenience of Overwatch's many members. Unfortunately, Winston forgets that Overwatch's many members are anything but professional.This can only go one way...





	1. RIP Winston's Sanity

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya Folks! This is my first attempt at an Overwatch fic. Largely inspired by several other chatfics posted to this website, I've made a somewhat serious attempt at making one of my own. Hopefully, I don't get run out of town for posting shit content. Hope that's not the case, and hope you guys enjoy! :D

**[WINSTON] reopened Chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[WINSTON] added [HANA SONG], [LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [MAKO RUTLEDGE], [JAMISON FAWKES], [SATYA VASWANI], [ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA], [HANZO SHIMADA] and [FAREEHA AMARI] to chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

WINSTON: Everyone, this chatroom is to be used only in an absolutely dire situation. If you can't speak aloud or over comms, use this as the next easiest way to reach the team.

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[HANA SONG] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

MCCREE: winston...

WINSTON: Hello Jesse.

MCCREE: did ya learn nothing from last time?

WINSTON: Overwatch was not the same back then. I want to hope that everyone is more mature now.

MERCY: Don't get your hopes up.

HANA: is this...a chatroom?

WINSTON: This is not a place for jokes. Only in dire circumstances should you use this channel.

HANA: wait why is my name my real name?

MCCREE: the hell does that even mean?

MERCY: You can fix your name in the settings.

**User [HANA SONG] changed name to [D.VA]**

D.VA: much better.

WINSTON: Hana, I'm serious. This is not a place for games.

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

GENJI: why?

D.VA: ...

GENJI: why would u subject me to this again?

**[LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

LUCIO: aww sweet a chatroom

WINSTON: EMERGENCIES ONLY!!!

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

TRACER: winston luv, you know what's going to happen with this chat

WINSTON: I already regret this decision...

MCCREE: i warned ya

D.VA: WHOS READY FOR ALL THE MEMES???

**[WINSTON] has left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

GENJI: wow, is that a new record?

MCCREE: nah liao still holds it

GENJI: how long?

MCCREE: he made winston leave in like twelve seconds it was impressive

GENJI: u timed it?

MCCREE: duh

TRACER: was that during the pillow incident?

GENJI:  _NEVER SPEAK OF IT..._

MCCREE: i dont even remember what happened

GENJI:  _GOOD_

MERCY: I remember how the three of you and Ana always tried your hardest to annoy Winston.

GENJI: life was much simpler back then  
GENJI: sometimes i miss my days in blackwatch

MCCREE: it was a lot easier.  
MCCREE: except for that time i almost died

GENJI: IS THAT RIGHT?  
GENJI: PLEASE JESSE, TELL ME ALL ABOUT THE TIMES WHEN YOU ALMOST DIED  
GENJI: I'M SURE THEY MUST BE GREAT STORIES

D.VA: lol you struck a nerve

JESSE: fuck im sorry  
JESSE: i wasnt thinking

MERCY: When are you ever thinking?

TRACER: Well he does dress up like a cowboy

GENJI: thats a tell tale sign that hes not as smart as some people might believe

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: whyre yall doing this to me?

MERCY: If we're going to be in a chatroom again, we need to make it feel like the last one.

MCCREE: i thought we could move past that

GENJI: lol nope

**User [D.VA] changed chatroom name to [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

MCCREE: ...

**[JESSE MCCREE] has left chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

D.VA: lol this is going to be so much fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so, here's what's going on:
> 
> McCree, Lucio, D.Va, Tracer, and Genji are the main characters. They'll appear in just about every chapter because they're all immature af
> 
> Reinhardt, Soldier 76, Winston, and Ana will appear frequently because they're supposed to be the adults (Yeah Right). Reinhardt's the meme master, Ana's a savage, Soldier gets bullied, and Winston is just wondering why he put out the recall in the first place.
> 
> Hanzo, Pharah, Mercy, and Junkrat all have smaller but still mostly important roles. Hanzo's really just there to get personally attacked by Genji, Pharah and Mercy are so gay, and Junkrat usually has no idea what's going on.
> 
> For the time being, everyone else fits as a minor character, although I'll try my best to incorporate everyone into the story.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this fic. I try my best :D


	2. no super soldiers allowed

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

D.VA: WINSTON HELP! THERES A STRANGER IN THIS CHAT!  
D.VA: @WINSTON

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

WINSTON: Don't worry Hana, that's one of our new members. I got him situated and added him to the chat.

76: Why is there a child in this chat?

D.VA: WHO THE FUCK IS YOU CALLING A CHILD?

MCCREE: i reckon its you

D.VA: shut up im 19

76: I don't have time for this.  
76: Call me when there's an emergency.

**User [SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

D.VA: totally rude

WINSTON: Who changed the chat name?

D.VA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

WINSTON: This was a mistake.

GENJI: recalling overwatch in general was a mistake

D.VA: your conception was a mistake

GENJI: wow...  
GENJI: i need healing  
GENJI: @MERCY

MCCREE: holy shit

**[MERCY] entered chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED AS MOTHER FUCKER]**

MERCY: Children, let's behave now.

D.VA: sry mom

GENJI: she started it

MCCREE: yall are acting like little kids

LUCIO: says the 40 year old man dressed up as a cowboy

MCCREE: aight first of all im 37  
MCCREE: second of all cowboys are cool  
MCCREE: third of all fuck you

**User [JESSE MCCREE] has been banned from chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER] by Moderator [GENJI]**

D.VA: OMG!!!!

LUCIO: IM DYING

GENJI: lol i still have mod privileges from the last time we used this chat

WINSTON: Was that necessary?

GENJI: probably not  
GENJI: but it was funny, huh?

**[JESSE MCCREE] was unbanned from chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER] by Moderator [WINSTON]**

MCCREE: did i really deserve that

GENJI: yes

**User [GENJI] has been stripped of Moderator status by Moderator [WINSTON]**

GENJI: BOOOOOOOOOOOO  
GENJI: #NOFUNLEAGUE

D.VA: did...  
D.VA: did you just hashtag

GENJI: i have no idea what ur talking about

MCCREE: @REINHARDT  
MCREE: GENJI JUST HASHTAGGED YOU WOULD BE SO PROUD

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] has entered chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

REINHARDT: I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, MY CHILD!

D.VA: hi grandpa

REINHARDT: HELLO!

LUCIO: hey big guy  
LUCIO: a little bird told me that you know your games

REINHARDT: That little bird is correct!

D.VA: how do you feel about mortal kombat?

REINHARDT: A FINE GAME INDEED!

LUCIO: wanna come play with Hana and I? She just got MK50

REINHARDT: Back in my day, there were only ten Mortal Kombat games.

D.VA: i dont care about what life was like during the vietnam war you wanna play or not?

REINHARDT: Vietnam was decades before my time, actually.

D.VA: tick tock tick tock

REINHARDT: VICTORY WILL BE MINE!

___________________________________

D.VA: STOP CHOOSING ERMAC

REINHARDT: NEVER! I KNOW HONOR, BUT NOT MERCY!

MERCY: IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL UP?

___________________________________

PHARAH: What in the world happened to the TV in the common room?

LUCIO: hana kept losing to reinhardt in MK and she threw the controller at it

PHARAH: One controller should not do that much damage...

LUCIO: she also shot it with your rocket launcher

PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: What?  
PHARAH: I locked that in the training room how did she get it?

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: shit happens?

PHARAH: That is not an answer.

MCCREE: someone needs to fix that my show starts in an hour  
MCREE: @TORBJORN

**[TORBJÖRN LINDHOLM] joined chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

TORBJÖRN: No.

**[TORBJÖRN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [BAMF: BULLIED ASS MOTHER FUCKER]**

MCCREE: well that accomplished nothing

LUCIO: lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know that Reinhardt's secretly a video game expert, right? 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!


	3. This is not a drill

TRACER: that was not done on purpose

GENJI: bullshit

TRACER: I swear

MCCREE: HOW DO YOU SET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER ON FIRE??  
MCCREE: THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT FIRES OUT!!  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT AN ACCIDENT?

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

**[JAMISON FAWKES] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

HANZO: I do not appreciate having my training interrupted by a fire alarm.

JAMISON: MATE I SWEAR IT WASNT ME  
JAMISON: OI HOLD ON A SEC

**User [JAMISON FAWKES] changed named to [JUNKRAT]**

JUNKRAT: MUCH BETTER  
JUNKRAT: BUT YEAH IT WASNT ME  
JUNKRAT: THIS TIME AT LEAST

TRACER: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!

76: HOW THE FUCK IS THIS AN ACCIDENT?  
76:

 

TRACER: I DONT KNOW! STOP YELLING AT ME!!!

WINSTON: Thanks to the quick thinking of Dr. Zhou, we were able to avoid any serious damage to the structure of the Watchpoint.  
WINSTON: Thank you for reacting so quickly, Mei.

MEI: You're welcome :)

WINSTON: Agents are now free to return to the building. Thank you all for cooperating so well with the evacuation.  
WINSTON: In the meantime, Lena, can I have a word with you in my lab?

D.VA: rip tracer

TRACER: :(

______________________________

76: None of you are ever going on a mission with me again.

D.VA: oh cmon it wasnt that bad

LUCIO: it was pretty bad

76: This is why children shouldn't be allowed in Overwatch

D.VA: ONCE AGAIN I'M FUCKING 19

76: Is that supposed to change my mind?

MCCREE: wtf did yall do?

D.VA: i might've blown my meka up...

MCCREE: you do that all the time

D.VA: and then when i called for another one it landed on genji

MCCREE: HOLY FUCK

GENJI: dont worry im aliv  
GENJI: kinda  
GENJI: if you count being a cyborg ninja as being alive

MERCY: Hana you really need to be more careful.

D.VA: tell that to him he didnt move  
D.VA: i gave him a warning and everything  
D.VA: his exact words were "do it you wont"  
D.VA: so i did.

76: JUST BECAUSE HE TELLS YOU TO DO IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD!!!

D.VA: well i cant let him one up me like that

LUCIO: shes got a point old man

MCCREE: this reminds me of that one mission we had years ago

MERCY: The one with Liao?

MCCREE: the very same

GENJI: i remember that

TRACER: me too!! that was so funny!

D.VA: there has to be a good story to this

MCCREE: oh there is  
MCCREE: so were just going on a regular scoutin mission somewhere in europe i dont remember exactly where.

MERCY: Italy.

MCCREE: yeah italy thats right  
MCCREE: so, were sneaking down the road at like 3 in the morning, and a caravan of bad guys just comes trucking down the street, so morrison and reyes told us to get into this building.  
MCCREE: so then liao stands right in the doorway of the building and just shouts "i am an immovable rock" and the trucks are getting closer and he wouldn't move so i had to take matters into my own hands.

REINHARDT: Oh right, I forgot about this part.

PHARAH: I don't know if I want to hear this.

MCCREE: hey look, if the circumstances were different i wouldnt have done what i did

76: YOU SHOT HIM IN THE LEG! YOU ALMOST JEOPARDIZED THE ENTIRE OP!

MCCREE: HE WOULDNT FUCKIN MOVE WHAT ELSE WAS I SPOSED TO DO?  
MCCREE: wait how the fuck did ya know that?

76: !!!  
76: Uhh...  
76: I need to go.

**[SOLDIER: 76] has left chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

MCCREE: oh no you fuckin dont

**[JESSE MCCREE] has left chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

WINSTON: Would anyone care to explain why Jesse and Soldier: 76 just sprinted past my lab?  
WINSTON: And why Jesse was threatening to shoot him?

GENJI: that man is incredibly suspicious  
GENJI: i think jesses on to something

WINSTON: Angela, I hate to bother you, but I think it might be best for you to prep the medical wing.

MERCY: I'll get right on it.

LUCIO: if jesse dies i call his room

D.VA: NO WAY I ALREADY CALLED IT

LUCIO: PICS OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN

GENJI: I CALLED IT BACK WHEN WE WERE BOTH IN BLACKWATCH ITS MINE

LUCIO: FUCK!!!

_______________________________

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

MCCREE: I DONT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT

GENJI: well looks like no ones getting that room

MERCY: Jesse, what's the problem?

MCCREE: YOU AINT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND OUT

REINHARDT: Wait, don't tell me...  
REINHARDT: Did you find out how Spongebob and Patrick were making those sounds in the box?

D.VA: ohmigod no more old memes

REINHARDT: THAT SHOW WAS A MASTERPIECE!  
REINHARDT: Only through season 6 though.  
REINHARDT: Everything after that was an abomination.

MCCREE: Are yall done?

REINHARDT: Go ahead.

MCCREE: remember when the overwatch hq in switzerland blew up

TRACER: yeah?

MCCREE: and everyone thought morrison and reyes died in the explosion

MERCY: Get to the point.

**[LUCIO] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

LUCIO: soldier 76 is actually jack morrison and the not so grim reaper could possibly be gabriel reyes.

TRACER: ...

MERCY: IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?

REINHARDT: WHAT???

PHARAH: What's going on?

D.VA: if only i knew

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [BISCUITS AND CRAZY]**

MERCY: JACK. YOU BETTER START TALKING.

76: ...  
76: Hi Angela.

MERCY: ALL YOU CAN SAY IS HI?

WINSTON: Someone needs to explain this to me.

MCCREE: EVERYONE TO THE COMMON ROOM RIGHT FUCKING NOW. WE'RE SETTLING THIS AS A GROUP.

__________________________________

JUNKRAT: DOES THAT INCLUDE ME AND ROADIE?

MCCREE: are yall a part of this fucking group?

JUNKRAT: YES?

MCCREE: get your asses down here.

___________________________________

76: Why has no one fixed this fucking TV yet?

PHARAH: Don't change the subject.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Jack. We hardly knew ya.


	4. that poor tv

**User [MERCY] changed chatroom name to [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

76: ...  
76: I don't think I deserve this.

MERCY: I do.

MCCREE: so do i

REINHARDT: I buried you, Jack.  
REINHARDT: I spoke at your funeral.

WINSTON: I'm not changing it.  
WINSTON: And I'm revoking your ability to change it for the time being.

76: FUCK.

______________________________________

D.VA: has anyone seen lena's communicator?

WINSTON: Please don't tell me she lost it.

D.VA: of course she didnt.  
D.VA: but...hypothetically of course lets say that she did  
D.VA: what could she do to get another one

WINSTON: We're not made of money.  
WINSTON: She needs to be more responsible.

**[TRACER] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

WINSTON: There. Problem solved.

D.VA: uh, thats not lena.  
D.VA: shes sitting right next to me she doesnt have it

76: Winston...

TRACER: Missing something?

MCCREE: OH FUCK!

TRACER: Who would've thought that Overwatch used something as basic as a chatroom?

LUCIO: Who the fuck is this?

TRACER: Wouldn't you like to know, Mon Chéri?

MCCREE: OH DOUBLE FUCK!

76: Great. Now we have a Talon agent in here.

TRACER: I was hoping to uncover some important information about Overwatch since I was able to access this communicator.

GENJI: you are in the wrong place

TRACER: I pieced that together.

D.VA: you wont find much here  
D.VA: unless ur looking to find the DANKEST of the MEMES

TRACER: I refuse to believe that this organization actually poses a threat to Talon.

LUCIO: well we do deal with it

TRACER: Hmmm...

**User [TRACER] changed name to [WIDOWMAKER]**

WIDOWMAKER: Much better.

LUCIO: OH TRIPLE FUCK

MCCREE: OH TRIPLE FUCK  
MCCREE: FUCK YOU LET ME DO THAT

LUCIO: lmao

76: I wonder if jumping off the Watchtower would kill me...

REINHARDT: If it does, I'm leaving your body for the animals to feast on.

WINSTON: I will allow that to happen.

76: ...  
76: I think you're all overreacting

REINHARDT: _FIVE YEARS, JACK._  
REINHARDT: _FIVE YEARS WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A POSTCARD._

D.VA: do people even still send postcards?

REINHARDT: NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE DIGITAL, HANA!!

WIDOWMAKER: This organization is a joke.

D.VA: a joke that still manages to kick your ass every time you face us :)

WIDOWMAKER: The words of a child do not affect me.

D.VA: OMG CALL ME A CHILD ONE MORE FUCKING TIME

MCCREE: child

GENJI: child

76: child

**[D.VA] disconnected from chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

LUCIO: lol you guys broke her nice job

______________________________________

GENJI: im not usually one to complain  
GENJI: but winston u really need to pass a rule about PDAs

WINSTON: About what?

GENJI: public displays of affection

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Is there something I should know?

GENJI: well besides the fact that hana just broke the tv in the common room again  
GENJI: angela and fareeha have been making out in the hallway outside my room for the last like twenty minutes and i need someone to do something about it

LUCIO: AHA  
LUCIO: @TRACER  
LUCIO: YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS

TRACER: OI NO FAIR

WINSTON: You do understand that this is a public channel, right?  
WINSTON: They can see everything you're posting.

GENJI: thats the idea  
GENJI: maybe now they'll stop

REINHARDT: Doubtful

GENJI: someone save me

LUCIO: your on ur own

REINHARDT: I'm in the gym spotting for Zarya.

WINSTON: I'm not leaving my lab.

TRACER: I HAVE AN IDEA

**[TRACER] went idle**

GENJI: oh no

LUCIO: HOLY FUCK

GENJI: WHAT WAS THAT

REINHARDT: I ALMOST JUST DROPPED THE BAR ON ZARYA!

**[HANZO] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

HANZO: Explanation.  
HANZO: NOW.

TRACER: srry luv, that was me

HANZO: What are you doing?

TRACER: was just tryna scare angie and 'reeha

HANZO: Could you have done it without hitting the alarm?  
HANZO: Even though all of you clearly don't care, I'd prefer to get my training in without any interruptions.

TRACER: ;P

HANZO: If this happens again, the next training bot I use will be you.

**[HANZO] has left chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

GENJI: lena i think it worked

**[MERCY] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

MERCY: Have you all lost your minds?

LUCIO: jury's out

MERCY: I'm trying to get some important work done. The distractions need to stop.

GENJI: important work you say  
GENJI: could this important work possibly be...  
GENJI: fareeha?  
GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REINHARDT: Oh my god I haven't seen that face in ages.

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: What are you implying?

GENJI: i heard the two of you sucking each others tongues out before  
GENJI: ur not subtle

MERCY: !!!  
MERCY: We were not "sucking each other's tongues out!"  
MERCY: It was one kiss.

GENJI: bullshit

LUCIO: are you admitting that the two of you kissed?

PHARAH: ...

MERCY: ...

REINHARDT: That's a yes.

MERCY: Don't make fun of us.

GENJI: wouldnt dream of it

MERCY: Thank you.

GENJI: @EVERYONE  
GENJI: ANGELA AND FAREEHA ARE DATING NOW!!

LUCIO: im dying

**[PHARAH] went idle**

LUCIO: lol you better fucking run boi

GENJI: @HANZO remember when u killed me?

**[HANZO] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

HANZO: Stop.

GENJI: well i think fareehas about to finish the job so bye dont miss me

**[GENJI SHIMADA] went idle**

TRACER: is this the end of genji shimada?

HANZO: @MERCY Don't save him this time.

MERCY: I'm not going to.

HANZO: Thank you.

_________________________________

MEI: What is going on in Genji's room?

REINHARDT: He's probably dead.

D.VA: lol rip

MERCY: Trust me, it's better that you don't know.

LUCIO: angela and fareeha are dating

MERCY: I'll send her after you next...

LUCIO: pls no im a good noodle

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

76: I really wish you all put this effort into your missions.

D.VA: yeah right lol

______________________________________

JUNKRAT: WHATS THIS ABOUT DATING?

LUCIO: youre super late to the party

_____________________________________

WINSTON: Do we have any confirmation if Genji's still alive?

REINHARDT: i think hes dead

D.VA: wouldnt be the first time

HANZO: _Stop..._

D.VA: oh fuck off you did this to urself

____________________________________

MCCREE: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE TV IN THE COMMON ROOM WE JUST REPLACED IT


	5. the most important question ever

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

GENJI: dont worry im alive  
GENJI: barely

LUCIO: he lives on lol

GENJI: pls lol if hanzo couldnt kill me i didnt think fareeha could

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [SOLDIER SEVENTY DICKS]**

HANZO: **S-T-O-P...**

GENJI: u know that u deserve this

HANZO: No I don't.

LUCIO: you did kill him

D.VA: or try to at least

HANZO: You children wouldn't understand.

LUCIO: im 26

HANZO: I'm 38.  
HANZO: You're a child to me.

LUCIO: fair

**User [GENJI] changed chatroom name to [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

HANZO: The lack of maturity in this chat is alarming but not surprising.

GENJI: u love me

HANZO: I have no choice. I'm unfortunately your brother.

GENJI: u would love me anyway im just that likable

HANZO: This is why I killed you.

D.VA: i thought you wanted that to stop

HANZO: I did it. I'm the only one allowed to joke about it.

LUCIO: i dont like this rule

HANZO: Deal with it.

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

MCCREE: idk who changed the chat name but just know that i love you

LUCIO: not as much as pharah loves mercy

PHARAH: I'm not above hunting all of you down and killing you.

GENJI: hanzo already tried

PHARAH: I let you go as a warning last night.

GENJI: no u let me go because angela told u to

PHARAH: I can make decisions without Angela's influence.

GENJI: is that what u tell yourself?

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

MERCY: Genji, that's enough already  
MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Who changed the name of the chatroom?

GENJI: wasnt me

LUCIO: it was totally him

GENJI: TRAITOR!

MERCY: Genji...

GENJI: i will not be intimidated by you

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Fareeha...

**[PHARAH] went idle**

GENJI: no pls  
GENJI: guys  
GENJI: she took one of my legs last night i cant run away

MCCREE: im not helping you

GENJI: AFTER EVERYTHING I DID FOR YOU IN BLACKWATCH, JESSE

MCCREE: you never did anything but steal my candy bars

GENJI: and i saved you from a lifetime of plaque and gingivitis

MCCREE: what did you even do with those?

GENJI: i fed them to barky mcbarkface...

MERCY: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FED HIM THE CHOCOLATE???

MCCREE: IM THE ONE WHO HAD TO TAKE HIM THE HOSPITAL  
MCCREE: @REINHARDT @SOLDIER: 76 @TRACER @WINSTON  
MCCREE: THE MYSTERY HAS FINALLY BEEN SOLVED

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

REINHARDT: IS THIS TRUE, GENJI???

TRACER: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??  
TRACER: WE WERE ALL SO SCARED!!

GENJI: it was an accident

MCCREE: YOU JUST SAID THAT YOU FED THEM TO HIM!

GENJI: it was more like i tried to throw them out but he fished them out of the garbage and ate like six of them before i noticed...

MERCY: @PHARAH  
MERCY: GENJI'S THE ONE WHO MADE BARKY MCBARKFACE SO SICK

PHARAH: Why?  
PHARAH: Why would you make me so sad?  
PHARAH: I was 12 years old  
PHARAH: That dog was my life  
PHARAH: And you almost killed him.

GENJI: it. was. an. accident.

MERCY: Now I don't feel bad for sending Fareeha after you.

MCCREE: i cant believe you put all that stress on us

LUCIO: u almost killed a dog?

GENJI: im not explaining this for a fourth time

76: Wait, you all had a dog on base?

MCCREE: not important  
MCCREE: whats important is that genji almost killed him

GENJI: how did this conversation go from making fun of angela and fareeha to turning me into a bad guy because a dog did something stupid?

REINHARDT: _HE WAS JUST A PUPPY, GENJI._

GENJI: he was five years old

REINHARDT: _HE WAS A PUPPY TO ME!_

TRACER: ME TOO!

MCCREE: ME THREE!

D.VA: PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY

GENJI: I CONCUR

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] left chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[PHARAH] left chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

MCCREE: any last words, genji?

GENJI: no regerts

D.VA: boooo old meme

REINHARDT: I'm so proud.  
REINHARDT: But still so disgusted.

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

WINSTON: I can hear Angela and Fareeha yelling outside my lab.  
WINSTON: Genji, I can't say that I feel bad for you.

GENJI: we all knew this day would come, winston

MCCREE: i mean it technically already did

LUCIO: yeah except hanzo didnt kill u all the way

HANZO: **STOP!**

LUCIO: NO FUCK U RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN

76: No they're not.

D.VA: says the ex-vigilante who broke every rule known to man

76: No one asked you.

LUCIO: OOOOHHH SHIT GET FUCKED OLD MAN

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

D.VA: i fucking love this team.

______________________________

LUCIO: is not

TRACER: is too

LUCIO: is not

TRACER: is too

LUCIO: this is going nowhere  
LUCIO: we need a second opinion

TRACER: @EVERYONE  
TRACER: VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION PLS RESPOND

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[D.VA] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] enterd chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

MCCREE: what do yall want?

D.VA: what?

MEI: Is there something you need?

76: This better be good.

GENJI: i doubt it

LUCIO: k so lena and i have been having this argument all day

TRACER: he thinks that hes right but i know that im right!

LUCIO: is a hot dog a sandwich?

76: This isn't actually happening.

D.VA: lol what?

MCCREE: idk why i thought this was going to be something reasonable

GENJI: when do we ever say anything reasonable?

MCCREE: point taken

76: Talon is probably planning an attack somewhere in the world, and the two of you are arguing about hot dogs.

LUCIO: this is an important question

TRACER: ya really i need to know luv

MEI: A hot dog is not a sandwich.

LUCIO: BOOM

TRACER: OI HOLD UP  
TRACER: WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE?

GENJI: yeah wait a second are u sure about that mei?

MCCREE: nah im on meis side here

76: A hot dog isn't a sandwich.

TRACER: ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG!  
TRACER: EXCEPT YOU GENJI!

GENJI: :)

76: I can't believe you're actually having this argument.

TRACER: THERES NO WAY ITS NOT A SANDWICH  
TRACER: ITS A CONDIMENT  
TRACER: PUT IN BETWEEN TWO PIECES OF BREAD  
TRACER: THATS LITERALLY THE DEFINITION OF A SANDWICH

MEI: It's not a sandwich.  
MEI: Sandwiches have horizontal orientation.  
MEI: Hot dogs don't.

GENJI: ur going too in depth with this  
GENJI: two pieces of bread with something in between them  
GENJI: its a sandwich

LUCIO: okay but what about a burger?

D.VA: burgers are sandwiches too

MCCREE: no they aint  
MCCREE: burgers are burgers

TRACER: explain yourself!

MCCREE: when you go to a fucking restaurant, burgers are in their own category  
MCCREE: theyre not under sandwiches, theyre under burgers  
MCCREE: the same thing with hot dogs

GENJI: that doesnt mean they cant be sandwiches

MEI: Yes it does.  
MEI: If they're sandwiches, why aren't they classified on a menu as such?

76: I cannot believe that you're actually participating in this nonsense.

MEI: Jack, I work for countless hours in my lab.  
MEI: I think I'm entitled to goof off once or twice.

TRACER: hot dogs are sandwiches im sorry luvs!

MCCREE: no theyre not

GENJI: YES THEY ARE

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

JUNKRAT: OI WHATS ALL THIS ABOUT?

GENJI: is a hot dog a sandwich?

JUNKRAT: UH YEAH? WHY WOULDNT THEY BE?

TRACER: HA!!!

MCCREE: youre wrong

JUNKRAT: THE HELL I AM

MCCREE: you call french fries chips your opinion is irrelevant

TRACER: SO DO I

MCCREE: youre wrong too idc

JUNRKAT: UR THE ONLY AMERICAN HERE

76: Ahem...

D.VA: you said you didnt want any part of this

LUCIO: yeah really go away

76: Hot dogs aren't a sandwich...

LUCIO: nvm u can stay

WINSTON: Would someone care to explain what's going on?

TRACER: were having a very important discussion

WINSTON: Somehow, I doubt that.

GENJI: would u just tell everyone that theyre wrong and hot dogs are sandwiches?

WINSTON: They aren't sandwiches.

GENJI: NEVER FUCKING MIND GO BACK TO UR STUPID LAB EXPERIMENTS

WINSTON: You asked for my opinion.

GENJI: I DIDNT ASK FOR THE WRONG ONE

MCCREE: just face it genji youre wrong

GENJI: NO IM NOT

MEI: A HOT DOG IS NOT A SANDWICH!

D.VA: YEAH AND THIS ISNT THE SAME WORLD IT WAS TEN YEARS AGO BUT YOU DONT SEE ME TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE

LUCIO: OH FUCKING SHIT BRO!!!!

76: This got very personal very quickly.

WINSTON: I'm not going to feel bad for what happens next, Hana.

MCCREE: maybe next time shell shut up once she realizes shes wrong

JUNKRAT: SAYS THE GUY WHO CALLS POTATOES FRENCH FRIES

MCCREE: DONT YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO BLOW UP?

JUNKRAT: YEAH AND IF YOU DONT STFU ITLL BE YOUR ROOM NEXT

________________________________

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

HANZO: A hot dog is not a sandwich.

GENJI: u are no longer my brother

LUCIO: careful he tried to kill you the last time you disagreed with him

HANZO: **STOP**

LUCIO: lmao never

________________________________

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

MERCY: Hot dogs are not a sandwich.

PHARAH: Seconded.

D.VA: what have you two been doing this whole time?

LUCIO: probably each other

GENJI: DEAD

MCCREE: dead?  
MCCREE: did hanzo pay you a visit again?

HANZO: S  
HANZO: T  
HANZO: O  
HANZO: P

TRACER: you honestly make it too easy luv

_________________________________

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

REINHARDT: I can't believe I actually read this entire conversation.

LUCIO: and whats your final verdict?

REINHARDT: Hot dogs are not sandwiches

TRACER: thats it im quitting

MCCREE: good riddance

LUCIO: the good guys prevail once again

76: Absolutely nothing about you people is good.

MCCREE: neither is lying to your best friends and pretending to be dead for five years

D.VA: lol rip

MCCREE: shut up

D.VA: R  
D.VA: I  
D.VA: P

76: rip

MCCREE: not you too

76: I'll act like a child for a second just to spite you.

LUCIO: lmao eat it mccree

MCCREE: how do these things always turn into making fun of me?

TRACER: with careful planning.

MCCREE: i dont deserve this.

D.VA: keep telling yourself that  
D.VA: rip

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

LUCIO: rip

TRACER: rip

D.VA: rip

REINHARDT: rip

_______________________________

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

76: What the fuck?

MCCREE: what?

REINHARDT: OH MY!!

ANA: Oh how ive missed this chat

TRACER: OH SHIT!

ANA: Its good to hear from all of you again.  
ANA: I missed you.  
ANA: Except for Winston.

LUCIO: burn  
LUCIO: im lucio btw

ANA: Charmed.

MCCREE: DOES NO ONE STAY DEAD ANYMORE?

ANA: Doesnt seem like it.  
ANA: Jack, still hiding behind the mask I see?

76: Don't start on me.

REINHARDT: @FAREEHA  
REINHARDT: I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING AT THE MOMENT.

LUCIO: probably doing angela

ANA: Whats this about my daughter and Angela?

LUCIO: FUCK WAIT I DIDNT MEAN THAT THE WAY IT SOUNDED

ANA: Relax lol I read the chat name I know whats happening

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

PHARAH: Someone called?  
PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?

ANA: Language.

PHARAH: ...Mom?

ANA: Hello, _habibti._

GENJI: this is so sweet i might start throwing up rainbows

MCCREE: are you even capable of throwing up?

GENJI: NOT THE TIME, JESSE!

ANA: So, whats this about you and Angela, dear?

PHARAH: Mom...

MERCY: Ana...

ANA: Im glad you finally stopped being shy and actually said something

PHARAH: ...What? But how did you know?

ANA: Im your mother. I saw the looks you gave her when you were a child.

LUCIO: looks arent the only thing shes giving angela these days

PHARAH: LUCIO!!!

LUCIO: lmao

ANA: No complaints from me.  
ANA: Im glad shes finally getting some

D.VA: HOLY FUCK IM GONNA PASS OUT

REINHARDT: First Jack, then Gabriel, and now you.  
REINHARDT: Why did I not get the memo that all of my friends actually survived?

ANA: I needed time.

76: It was better that I didn't get any of you involved.

MCCREE: did we actually confirm if reyes was alive or not?

TRACER: hes totally reaper

LUCIO: yeah definitely

ANA: Whos room is this again?

MCCREE: MCFUCKING EXCUSE ME  
MCCREE: HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?

ANA: Someone left the back door unlocked.

76: Oh for fuck's sake.  
76: @JUNKRAT  
76: WHY ARE YOU NOT CAPABLE OF FOLLOWING A SIMPLE ORDER?

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [PHARAH AND MERCY ARE SO FUCKING GAY]**

JUNKRAT: OI MATE I FORGOT

76: _HOW DO YOU FORGET TO CLOSE A DOOR?_

JUNKRAT: THERE ARE TIMES I FORGET TO EVEN PUT PANTS ON IN THE MORNING

D.VA: pls dont ever let that happen

JUNKRAT: NO PROMISES LOL

ANA: I want to see all of your faces again.  
ANA: Come on down to the common room.  
ANA: I brought donuts.

GENJI: fuck shes good

LUCIO: donuts?  
LUCIO: im coming

MCCREE: *sniff*  
MCCREE: i missed you so much

ANA: And while were there, Fareeha.  
ANA: You can tell me all about your relationship with Dr. Ziegler.

D.VA: AWK AF

TRACER: LOL HAVE FUN REEHA

PHARAH: Mom please no.

REINHARDT: DO IT!

GENJI: can we wait until after i get my donuts i dont want to be a part of sex ed

MCCREE: can you even eat?

GENJI: ONCE AGAIN JESSE NOT THE FUCKING TIME

______________________________

LUCIO: HANA I S2G IF U DONT GIVE ME BACK MY DONUT.

D.VA: FIGHT ME N00B THAT WAS THE LAST JELLY ONE

LUCIO: IT WAS MINE!  
LUCIO: I CALLED IT!

D.VA: BE QUICKER NEXT TIME.

TRACER: OI WAIT A SECOND THAT WAS MY DONUT!

LUCIO: ILL FIGHT ALL OF YOU I MEAN IT

TRACER: PUT UP YOUR DUKES!

D.VA: COME AT ME!

_________________________________

MERCY: I'm not helping any of them.

MCCREE: good  
MCCREE: let them learn the errors of their ways  
MCCREE: besides while they all started fighting i took the last jelly donut

LUCIO: YOU MONSTER!

_____________________________________

WINSTON: What happened to Training Room A?

MCCREE: you dont wanna know

76: All of this...  
76: OVER ONE FUCKING DONUT!

LUCIO: IM NOT SORRY!

D.VA: ME EITHER

TRACER: I JUST WANTED A BITE!

PHARAH: I just wanted to catch up with my mother who I thought was dead for years.

LUCIO: NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE ABOUT YOU!

ANA: lol im so glad that im back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucio is the level of smart ass that I aspire to be. Man, he's a legend.


	6. once upon a time

**2-25-20XX**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[WINSTON] added [JACK MORRISON], [GABRIEL REYES], [ANA AMARI], [JESSE MCCREE], [LIAO], [KIMIKO], [LENA "TRACER" OXTON], [ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER], [MIREMBE], [GENJI SHIMADA], [GÉRARD LACROIX], and [REINHARDT WILHELM] to chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL[**

MORRISON: Is this really necessary?

WINSTON: This chat is for emergencies only, Jack. It never hurts to have a backup plan.

TRACER: oh a chatroom  
TRACER: HELLO @EVERYONE

WINSTON: ...Lena

KIMIKO: Hi @TRACER

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM[ entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

LIAO: hi @TRACER

ANA: Hi @TRACER

REINHARDT: HELLO @TRACER

WINSTON: Please stop.

ANA: Hi @WINSTON

KIMIKO: Winston I really don't know what you were expecting

WINSTON: I was expecting that in an organization where everyone is an adult, we could be a little bit more mature and actually use this chat for its intended purposes.

**User [LIAO] changed name to [SERIAL HYMEN BUSTER]**

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

ANA: IDK WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY

MORRISON: Why are you all like this?

REINHARDT: 

**wHy ArE yOu AlL lIkE tHiS?**

KIMIKO: Did you really just do that?

MORRISON: I hate Overwatch...

SERIAL HYMEN BUSTER: yup its official i die by laughing too hard

ANA: ACTUALLY SEEING IT ON THE SCREEN JUST MAKES THE NAME SO MUCH BETTER OMG!!!

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL]**

REYES: All of you disgust me.  
REYES: Except for you, Jack.

MORRISON: :)

ANA: gay

TRACER: gay

REINHARDT: Gay

SERIAL HYMEN BUSTER: gay  
SERIAL HYMEN BUSTER: okay i need to change this back otherwise im gonna puke

**User [SERIAL HYMEN BUSTER] changed name to [LIAO]**

ANA: Can u please put that on a t shirt?

LIAO: ill do what i can

REYES: Liao, did you leave the lights in Training Room C on?

LIAO: FUCK I SWEAR I FORGOT

__________________________________

WINSTON: Thank you all for handing in the paperwork about our last mission.  
WINSTON: Except for you, Liao.

LIAO: wtf whats wrong with mine?

WINSTON: "Being a fucking bitch" is not a reasonable excuse for why you shot that civilian

LIAO: HE WOULDNT FUCKING MOVE  
LIAO: IF ANYTHNG I DID THAT GUY A FAVOR  
LIAO: NEXT TIME HES IN THE MIDDLE OF ROCKET WARFARE MAYBE HE WONT STAND THERE LIKE A DUMBFUCK

WINSTON: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you should attempt to move him yourself?

LIAO: well yah, but that's no fun

WINSTON: And having to pay medical expenses because you were being too stubborn is fun?

LIAO: im not paying shit lol

WINSTON: You don't have a choice. I deducted the costs from your paycheck.

LIAO: WAIT WTF WE GET PAID???

WINSTON: Not anymore.

LIAO: SHIT

______________________________________

ANA: Whos up?

MCCREE: no

LACROIX: I am

LIAO: genji and i are sparring

GENJI: same

REYES: What do you want?

ANA: I need someones help in the kitchen.

MCCREE: its three in the fuckin morning what could you possibly need help with?

ANA: ...Things

LACROIX: I don't like the way that sounds...

REYES: If I help you will you stop banging the pots and pans together?

ANA: possibly

MCCREE: are u kidding me? i was wondering why there was so much damn noise

REYES: Go to bed.

MCCREE: oh id fucking love to if someone wasnt BANGING POTS AND PANS TOGETHER

ANA: lol

REYES: I'll be there in two minutes.

LIAO: negative commander. abort mission.

REYES: Shut up and stop texting while sparring

LIAO: lol you dont own me

_______________________________

REYES: What do you want?

ANA: Why r u texting me im literally two feet away from you?

REYES: WHAT  
REYES: Do you want?

ANA: No need for the attitude

REYES: If it wasn't three thirty in the morning I'd be a lot more cheery

LIAO: lmao bullshit

REYES: **SILENCE**

ANA: Well, now that u ask  
ANA: I need u to get something out of the freezer

REYES: And you can't do this yourself why?

ANA: Ur here, are u not?  
ANA: Make urself useful.

REYES: I can't believe that someone as lazy as you is Second in Command.

ANA: Just go in u big baby

_______________________________________

WINSTON: Why is Reyes screaming? It's almost four in the morning.

ANA: TEAM BUILDING

MORRISON: I didn't authorize any team building exercises.  
MORRISON: Especially THIS EARLY IN THE FUCKING MORNING

MCCREE: why do u people hate lettin me sleep?

ANA: We just hate u in general

MCCREE: mcfuckin rude

REYES: OPEN THE GOD DAMN DOOR!

GENJI: is reyes dying?

LIAO: sure sounds like it

WINSTON: Ana, what are you doing to Reyes?

ANA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

REYES: SHE LOCKED ME IN THE FUCKING FREEZER!

LIAO: I CANT BREATHE

ANA: U need to learn to...  
ANA: (•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■)  
ANA: "Chill out"

GENJI: YYYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHH

ANA: GENJIS MY NEW FAVORITE FUCK ALL THE REST OF YALL

MCCREE: thats my word

ANA: AND THIS IS ME GIVING YOU THE FINGER  
ANA: ╭∩╮( ͡° ل͟ ͡° )╭∩╮

LIAO: idk anymore are we roasting reyes or mccree now?

REINHARDT: Well technically, Reyes isn't roasting he's freezing.

REYES: WILL SOMEONE COME OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR?

ANA: DO IT AND YOU DIE

LIAO: GENJI AND I R STILL SPARRING

REYES: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TEXTING AND SPARRING?

LIAO: I THINK YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH RN SO FUCK OFF

TRACER: LOUD NOISES!!!

MORRISON: For Christ's sake, I'll come open the door.

ANA: I will shoot u Jack idc if ur in charge or not

WINSTON: Every single one of you is a disgrace.

LIAO: hey at least genji and i are actually doing something worthwhile

WINSTON: You know what? Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore

**[WINSTON] has left chatroom [WHO FARTED IN THE FUCKING BARRACKS?]**

REINHARDT: Did we ever find out the answer to that question?

TRACER: It was obviously McCree

MCCREE: no it wasnt

REYES: I CAN'T FEEL MY FINGERS!

ANA: Keep texting, itll get the blood pumping

LIAO: rip reyes

REYES: I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!

MCCREE: not if exhaustion kills me first

__________________________________

LIAO: MY ARM  
LIAO: MY FUCKING ARM

GENJI: reyes did tell you not to text and spar

LIAO: @ANGELA

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [WHO FARTED IN THE FUCKING BARRACKS?]**

MERCY: _LIAO IT IS FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING_

GENJI: its never too early for a visit to the hospital

MCCREE: could yall go the fuck to sleep?

LIAO: I WILL COME IN THERE AND FUCK YOU WITH A TEACUP

MCCREE: i dont rightly know how to respond to that

MERCY: IF YOUR ARM HURTS STOP TEXTING...

LIAO: NO

_______________________________

MIREMBE: @GERARD  
MIREMBE: Are we the only normal ones in this entire organization?

LACROIX: Unfortunately, I think I have to say yes.

MIREMBE: Why did I agree to join Overwatch?

LACROIX: I ask myself that question every day.

LIAO: SEARING PAIN!!!

MERCY: _STOP. TEXTING._

_______________________________

REYES: FIVE. FUCKING. HOURS. IN. THAT. FREEZER.

ANA: Did u get the turkey like i asked u to?

REYES: @WINSTON  
REYES: I'm leaving. You'll find my two weeks notice on your desk in an hour.

WINSTON: I feel no sympathy for you.

LIAO: MY ARM STILL HURTS

WINSTON: I especially feel no sympathy for you.

MCCREE: all i wanted was to get some fuckin sleep

ANA: All i wanted was the frozen turkey

**[GABRIEL REYES] left chatroom [WHO FARTED IN THE FUCKING BARRACKS?]**

GENJI: you will be sorely missed, commander

ANA: lol dont lie to him

KIMIKO: Why are all of you my friends again?


	7. the gang's all here

**[TRACER] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

TRACER: we have pizza in the common room!

76: We're leaving for a mission in five minutes...

TRACER: what, does that mean we can't have pizza?

76: You're going to get sick.

TRACER: no I wont. Ive eaten and flown before

GENJI: you threw up the last time you tried that

MCCREE: cause you insisted on doing flips and shit in the air

TRACER: IT WAS A DARE!!!

76: Why did I answer the recall?  
76: _WHY?_

**[LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

LUCIO: dont pretend that you dont love us

76: _I DON'T..._

D.VA: lies nothing but lies  
D.VA: our memes make the world a better place

76: YOU CAN'T FIGHT TALON WITH MEMES!!!

WIDOWMAKER: Yes, you absolutely can.

76: No one asked you.  
76: Why are you even still here?

WIDOWMAKER: I assumed since no one removed me, I was free to come and go as I pleased.

76: Leave.

TRACER: no let her stay!

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

REINHARDT: Friends, let's get a move on, yes?  
REINHARDT: We must be in London by the end of the day if we want to get the jump on Talon.

76: Hello, there's a Talon agent right here. You've just spoiled the entire plan!

WIDOWMAKER: This was not a secret. I've been waiting atop the clocktower for hours.

MCCREE: you mean big ben?

WIDOWMAKER: Does it really make a difference whether I name it or not?

LUCIO: yeah kinda

TRACER: dont disrespect big ben!

76: Can we fucking go?

D.VA: bossy

76: GET ON THE FUCKING ORCA.

TRACER: oi not with that attitude

**[SOLDIER: 76] has left chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

MCCREE: he just launched his communicator at the wall

LUCIO: i dont think ive ever seen something crumble to dust like that

WIDOWMAKER: How is it possible that we keep losing to you?

TRACER: charisma  
TRACER: talon has none

WIDOWMAKER: I don't see how that makes any sense.

MCCREE: of course you don't understand  
MCCREE: thats why you keep losing

WIDOWMAKER: You will be the first person that I shoot.

MCCREE: well then

D.VA: rip mccree

MCCREE: stop saying that

TRACER: rip

LUCIO: rip

GENJI: rip

MCCREE: i changed my mind. aim for my head please widowmaker

WIDOWMAKER: No.  
WIDOWMAKER: I will make your death as painful as possible.

MCCREE: it cant get much more painful than it already is

WIDOWMAKER: Debatable.

MEI: Are we going or what?

______________________________________

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

WINSTON: Jack, please be more careful with this communicator.

76: _WHY WOULD YOU RE-ADD ME TO THIS HELL?_

GENJI: honestly you kinda deserve it

REINHARDT: _FIVE. YEARS._

LUCIO: can i get some help on the left flank?

JUNKRAT: DID SOMEBODY SAY BOOM????

MCCREE: boom was not mentioned once in that sentence

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

MERCY: Jamison, I'm not going to replace your other leg.

JUNKRAT: YOU WONT NEED TOO DOC IM A PROFESSIONAL

D.VA: professional dumbass

JUNKRAT: I GOT A CARD AND EVERYTHING!

MCCREE: HEY WATCH YOUR HEADS

WIDOWMAKER: Don't come any closer. The next shot will hit you.

TRACER: wanna bet, luv?

WIDOWMAKER: Yes.

TRACER: i promise that you wont ;P

GENJI: oooooh shit you gonna take that widowmaker?

WIDOWMAKER: ...  
WIDOWMAKER: Your childish antics do not amuse me.

76: STOP TEXTING AND GET ON THE DAMN PAYLOAD

D.VA: MAKE ME N00B

76: GET ON THE PAYLOAD OR I'LL THROW ALL THE LEFTOVER PIZZA OUT!

LUCIO: YOU WOULDNT DARE

76: TRY ME!

________________________________

MCCREE: jack should threaten us with food more often

MERCY: I don't think I've ever seen a payload get delivered that fast

WINSTON: Well done, team. Regroup and get back to base.

D.VA: WHATD YOU THINK OF THAT SHIT, OLD MAN?

76: I'M GOING BACK TO BEING A VIGILANTE.

WIDOWMAKER: You won't make it very far.

76: Get out of our damn chatroom already.

WIDOWMAKER: No.

D.VA: dont worry about her she knew we were coming and she still couldnt hit us

WIDOWMAKER: Killing you would not be a very hard task.

GENJI: couldve fooled me with the way you were shooting

WIDOWMAKER: If I actually wanted to hit any of you, I could have done it rather effortlessly.

GENJI: wanna bet?

TRACER: genji no!

GENJI: OWWW  
GENJI: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN SHOOT ME FROM???

WIDOWMAKER: _Personne n'échappe à mon regard._

MCCREE: genji you had that comin

WINSTON: _Get back to base..._

LUCIO: well think about it

___________________________________

**[ALEKSANDRA "ZARYA" ZARYANOVA] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

ZARYA: Would anyone care to explain what's going on?

WINSTON: Is there something wrong?

ZARYA: There are many explosions happening outside the gym.

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Please tell me you're not serious.

ZARYA: I am always serious.

WINSTON: @JUNKRAT  
WINSTON: WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING, STOP!!!

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

JUNKRAT: OI MATE I AINT DOIN NOTHING

WINSTON: _Then who's setting explosives off?_

D.VA: guilty as charged

WINSTON: Hana...

MCCREE: yeah we need a doctor  
MCCREE: @MERCY

REINHARDT: Tagging her isn't going to do you any good.

MCCREE: and why not?

REINHARDT: She's been with Fareeha for the past hour.

MCCREE: and you know that how?

REINHARDT: _FAREEHA'S ROOM IS RIGHT NEXT TO MINE..._  
REINHARDT: _I CAN'T UNHEAR THE WORDS THAT HAVE BEEN SPOKEN._

WINSTON: I'm going to ignore that for the sake of my rapidly dwindling sanity.  
WINSTON: Jesse, why do you need a doctor?

MCCREE: alright first let me say  
MCCREE: i had nothing to do with this

WINSTON: Surely you understand that I don't believe you?

MCCREE: it was genjis idea

GENJI: no it wasnt

MCCREE: yes it was

GENJI: was not

MCCREE: was too

GENJI: was not

MCCREE: was too

LUCIO: it was genjis idea

GENJI: IVE BEEN BETRAYED  
GENJI: ET TU LUCIO?

LUCIO: wut?

REINHARDT: Do you really not understand that reference?

LUCIO: should i?

REINHARDT: It's not important...

MCCREE: @MERCY  
MCCREE: im not kidding we need you  
MCCREE: like asap  
MCCREE: immediately  
MCCREE: promptly  
MCCREE: urgently  
MCCREE: right this minute  
MCCREE: seriously now

WINSTON: Jesse, what happened?

MCCREE: id rather not say

WINSTON: Jesse...

MCCREE: completely unrelated question  
MCCREE: how much do you think prosthetics normally cost?

WINSTON: ...

REINHARDT: $1,495.99 plus tax

MCCREE: fuck  
MCCREE: i got three dollars

LUCIO: i have forty cents

GENJI: ur literally in the presence of the heir to the shimada family fortune

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

HANZO: The fortune is no longer in circulation

GENJI: wtf there was over 5 million dollars in american money in there

HANZO: And every cent of it was spent right before the clan fell.

GENJI: spent on what?

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: It's not important

GENJI: wtf did you do with all the money?

HANZO: I did nothing with it.

GENJI: i dont believe you

HANZO: Genji, it's not important.

GENJI: you better tell me what happened

HANZO: The point is, the money no longer exists.

MCCREE: we might be in a lot of trouble

WINSTON: I'm coming down there.

MCCREE: pls dont  
MCCREE: we can handle this ourselves

D.VA: we totally cant

MCCREE: who asked you?

ZARYA: Explosions need to stop. I cannot concentrate.

WINSTON: YOU'RE STILL BLOWING STUFF UP?

MCCREE: i didnt say i was gonna handle it the right way

JUNKRAT: OI IF UR BLOWING STUFF UP I WANT IN

D.VA: no

JUNKRAT: :(

WINSTON: Stop whatever it is you're doing.

MCCREE: no im fixing it

WINSTON: FIXING WHAT?

MCCREE: DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO

D.VA: thats not good

MCCREE: okay im out of ideas

GENJI: that was pretty obvious the second you started hitting it with the hammer

WINSTON: Hitting what?

LUCIO: you really dont want to know

WINSTON: YES I ABSOLUTELY DO...

REINHARDT: I really hope none of you need medical attention.  
REINHARDT: Because the doctor is in Fareeha's room and she doesn't seem like she'd be too keen on leaving right now.

D.VA: why r the two of them so gay?

GENJI: jesse stop hitting it already

MCCREE: somethings gotta happen eventually

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: What was that?

GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: i think jesse might be dead

HANZO: Joining this team was the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.

GENJI: besides almost killing me?

HANZO: The more the days go on, the more I think Winston wishes that I succeeded.

WINSTON: I have never said that out loud.

GENJI: WOW

LUCIO: yeah really wheres the doctor?

________________________________________

MERCY: _IF THIS EVER HAPPENS AGAIN..._

MCCREE: i cant guarantee anything

MERCY: I mean it, Jesse.  
MERCY: Don't let this happen again.

GENJI: yeah u interuppted her private session with fareeha

MERCY: I saved your life...

GENJI: and im very grateful  
GENJI: so grateful in fact, i will continue to make fun of you

**[WIDOWMAKER] has entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

MCCREE: havent seen you around these parts in a while

WIDOWMAKER: I've been...busy.

MERCY: Why has no one removed you from this chat yet?

WIDOWMAKER: Your moderators are terrible.

GENJI: i was a moderator once  
GENJI: until winston took it away from me

MCCREE: next time dont ban someone for no reason

GENJI: there was a very good reason  
GENJI: you insulted lucio  
GENJI: hes my bro

MCCREE: not good enough if you ask me

WIDOWMAKER: It's good to see that none of you can still be taken seriously.  
WIDOWMAKER: Except for you, Dr. Ziegler.

GENJI: did  
GENJI: did she compliment someone?

D.VA: this has been a really weird day

LUCIO: agreed

**[SOLDIER: 76] has entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

D.VA: oh hey our overbearing father has joined the chaos

76: I'm not your father.

D.VA: yeah no shit  
D.VA: my father doesnt need to wear a mask to be taken seriously

GENJI: lol

76: It's a visor...

LUCIO: really doesnt make a difference

76: We're leaving in ten minutes.  
76: Get ready.

MCCREE: cant  
MCCREE: my arm fell off

MERCY: As much as he's infuriated me today, he's right Jack.  
MERCY: He's not in shape to go out for a mission.

76: For fuck's sake.  
76: It's like working with five year olds.

D.VA: untrue  
D.VA: some five year olds might actually listen to you

76: You're basically insulting yourself.

D.VA: its fine ive heard worse

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

D.VA: lmao

REYES: **FUCK...**

**User [GABRIEL REYES] changed name to [REAPER]**

LUCIO: well this is awkward

REAPER: **I have no idea who Gabriel Reyes is.**

76: Fucking...

REAPER: **Shit**

76: I FUCKING KNEW IT!

D.VA: literally the least surprising reveal ever

MCCREE: how do you even fuck up that bad?

GENJI: idk ask tracer she does it a lot

TRACER: :(

MCCREE: how did he even get in here?

WIDOWMAKER: I'll take responsibility for that.

76: WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE?

WIDOWMAKER: I reiterate.  
WIDOWMAKER: Your moderators are useless.

GENJI: well to be fair we only have one and hes never here unless someone does something really bad

REAPER: **Widowmaker...**  
REAPER: **How did you even get in here?**

WIDOWMAKER: The loud one left her communicator in Cairo.

TRACER: IT WASNT MY FAULT!

MCCREE: there is literally no one else in the world who you can blame for that

76: REYES!  
76: I KNOW THAT'S YOU!  
76: YOU BASTARD!

REAPER: **...Who's Reyes?**

GENJI: give it up sheet face  
GENJI: ur not fooling anyone anymore

D.VA: did he fool anyone to begin with?

LUCIO: prob not

REAPER: **SILENCE!**

76: REYES YOU PATHETIC, TRAITOROUS, EVIL FUCKING PRICK!

LUCIO: my virgin ears

GENJI: my virgin eyes

MCCREE: i can hear jack screaming at his communicator from here

76: I SHOULD KILL YOU  
76: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING  
76: YOU COULDN'T JUST ACCEPT THE WAY THINGS WERE  
76: AND THE WORLD PAID THE PRICE FOR IT

REAPER: **You don't really expect me to believe that you actually care about the world, do you?**

76: FUCK YOU!

LUCIO: yeah thatll teach him

D.VA: its old man vs old man  
D.VA: my votes on the old man

MCCREE: widowmaker youve started a war

WIDOWMAKER: Not much different than what I usually do.

REAPER: **You said this was a top secret chat.**

WIDOWMAKER: It is.

REAPER: **You said vital information was being exchanged here.**

WIDOWMAKER: No, I absolutely did not.

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

ANA: Whats going on here?

REAPER: **Great, she's here too.**

ANA: Gabriel?  
ANA: What are you doing here?

REAPER: **Did everyone know who I was?**

MCCREE: pretty much

LUCIO: yeah ur not very good at disguises

76: IF I EVER SEE YOUR FACE, I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

GENJI: hey hanzo told me the same thing that one time

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

HANZO: I said I wanted this to stop.

GENJI: whatre u going to do?  
GENJI: kill me?  
GENJI: again?

**[HANZO SHIMADA] went idle**

D.VA: rip genji

MCCREE: shut the fuck up

REAPER: **Overwatch could not get more pathetic if they tried.**

LUCIO: u know whats more pathetic?  
LUCIO: that fact that u keep losing to us.  
LUCIO: :)

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY YOU!**

TRACER: how did you get him in here anyway?

WIDOWMAKER: I found him a communicator.  
WIDOWMAKER: All I had to do was add his number to the chat.

REAPER: **If it was a new communicator, why did the name Gabriel Reyes come up?**

WIDOWMAKER: That's what you get for putting Sombra in charge of setting it up.

D.VA: whos sombra?

REAPER: **Irrelevant.**

76: YOU KNOW WHAT'S NOT IRRELEVANT?  
76: HOW MUCH I'M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU EVER SHOW YOUR FACE!

ANA: Great, its marriage counseling all over again.

REAPER: **We weren't married...**

MCCREE: yall might as well have been  
MCCREE: you even slept in the same bed together during the mission in Berlin.

D.VA: OMG THEY TOTALLY DID NOT!

MCCREE: sure they did  
MCCREE: i got the picture right here

**[attached image: reyesandmorrisonbeinggay.png]**

REAPER: **HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THIS PICTURE?**

MCCREE: a while

D.VA: OMG IM CRYING

ANA: Is jack sucking his thumb?

76: WE WERE EATING POPCORN  
76: I WAS SUCKING THE BUTTER OFF

LUCIO: this is the greatest thing that has ever been shared with me

GENJI: is this the same mission where kimiko pushed gerard into the rose bushes?

MCCREE: yes

MERCY: I don't care what any of you say.  
MERCY: That was the worst mission I've ever been forced to go on.

ANA: Thats what happens when you play doctor

MERCY: You were doing it on purpose.

ANA: Maybe

WIDOWMAKER: I'm sending this to Sombra.

REAPER: **DON'T YOU DARE!**

WIDOWMAKER: Oops.

REAPER: **After I destroy Overwatch, you will be my next target.**

WIDOWMAKER: Good Luck.

GENJI: IS NO ONE GONNA MENTION THAT JACK'S WEARING REYES' JACKET???

LUCIO: OMG NO WAY!

ANA: You two are so cute together

76: We weren't together...

LUCIO: stop lying everyone sees the fucking proof

TRACER: oh i forgot!  
TRACER: i have this picture of the two of them kissing under the mistletoe during the christmas party!

**[attached image: gaylol.png]**

**[REAPER] has left chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

MCCREE: and another one bites the dust

WIDOWMAKER: He'll be back.  
WIDOWMAKER: If I have to suffer through this, he will too.

LUCIO: girl ur a savage

WIDOWMAKER: I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.

D.VA: just take it as a compliment

WIDOWMAKER: If I must.

ANA: Jack do you still have that jacket?

76: NO!

**[TRACER] went idle**

GENJI: not a good sign

LUCIO: pls dont hit the fire alarm again

TRACER: hes lying  
TRACER: i just went into his room its still hanging in the closet

76: !!!  
76: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

TRACER: just needed to prove a point luv

ANA: Jack youre so cute

MCCREE: you hung onto that all these years

GENJI: just because it was his

ANA: Its okay to admit that youre still in love

76: ...

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

TRACER: was that mean?

LUCIO: lol who cares?  
LUCIO: this is the same guy who threatened to throw out all our pizza

TRACER: true!

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

WINSTON: What's going on here?

GENJI: just scroll up  
GENJI: explaining takes too much time

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Jesse, why do you have that picture?

MCCREE: blackmail  
MCCREE: one of my many acquired skills

WINSTON: You all exert effort in all the wrong places.

LUCIO: fucking oops

WINSTON: Just be ready.  
WINSTON: We have a mission to leave for in five minutes.

D.VA: fine

WIDOWMAKER: I'll be waiting.

LUCIO: totally not creepy at all

WIDOWMAKER: I can and will kill you.

LUCIO: oh hey look  
LUCIO: im just gonna sit in the orca and not say anything else

WIDOWMAKER: Good.

MCCREE: is jack coming?

ANA: who cares?

GENJI: reyes probably does

WINSTON: Everyone just get to the ship.  
WINSTON: Please.

D.VA: okay  
D.VA: but only because you asked nicely

ANA: Oh btw widowmaker  
ANA: I still havent forgiven you for shooting my eye out

WIDOWMAKER: I wouldn't expect you too.

ANA: But, if you keep torturing gabriel ill consider a truce

WIDOWMAKER: Consider it done.

ANA: im glad we could come to this agreement

WIDOWMAKER: You run a strange organization.

WINSTON: Don't remind me.

MCCREE: admit it  
MCCREE: you have fun in this chat

WIDOWMAKER: ...  
WIDOWMAKER: Perhaps.

LUCIO: good enough for me

WIDOWMAKER: That doesn't mean that I won't shoot you anyway.

GENJI: sad face


	8. the great reunion

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

MCCREE: @ANA  
MCCREE: HOLY FUCK  
MCCREE: YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

ANA: ?

GENJI: was it something funny?

MCCREE: you bet your ass it was

LUCIO: im excited

WIDOWMAKER: Is this what I think it is?

MCCREE: were you watching the back alley?

WIDOWMAKER: This is exactly what I think it is.

TRACER: what happened?

MCCREE: so jack and i were sneaking around to see if we could get a jump on the talon agents by the supermarket  
MCCREE: then all the sudden jack tells me to break off and find another way around  
MCCREE: so i walk around the side and wait a few minutes before i get bored  
MCCREE: i turn back towards the alley and i see jack and reyes embraced in the gayest hug i think ive ever seen

D.VA: OMG!!!

ANA: I knew this was going to happen

LUCIO: @SOLDIER: 76  
LUCIO: UR SO FUCKING DEAD LMAO

WIDOWMAKER: @REAPER  
WIDOWMAKER: You too.

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

76: This is not what it looks like...

TRACER: JACKS IN LOVE!

REAPER: **We were grappling with each other.**  
REAPER: **There was no hugging involved.**

MCCREE: is that right?

**[attached image: happilyreunited.png]**

76: !!!

REAPER: **...**

LUCIO: FUCKING BUSTED!

TRACER: CRYING BRB!

ANA: Jesse u are my hero

MCCREE: i try mam

D.VA: AND UR ALWAYS YELLING AT US TO FOLLOW ORDERS  
D.VA: AND HERE YOU ARE, HUGGING YOUR STUPID EMO BOYFRIEND

76: He's not my boyfriend...

GENJI: would u stop lying already?  
GENJI: everyone can see it

REAPER: **COULD YOU STOP TAKING PICTURES OF US?**

MCCREE: mcfucking no

REAPER: **Widowmaker, he's in your line of sight.**  
REAPER: **Finish him!**

WIDOWMAKER: You are not in any position to give orders right now, lover boy.

D.VA: and just like that, hes lost control of talon

LUCIO: it started out with a kiss  
LUCIO: how did it end up like this?

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

REINHARDT: I could not be prouder of you, Lucio.

LUCIO: lol thought youd appreciate that

ANA: Reinhardt i hate to admit it  
ANA: But u were right  
ANA: Jack and gabriel snuck off during the mission

REINHARDT: Why don't the two of you just get married already?

REAPER: **WE DON'T EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER!**

MCCREE: dont make me send the picture again

76: WOULD YOU STOP TAKING PICTURES OF US?

ANA: Aw how cute  
ANA: Now theyre even saying the same thing

TRACER: they really are adorable arent they?

GENJI: so adorable im probably going to puke

REAPER: **I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!**

GENJI: wow why does that sound so familiar?  
GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

HANZO: _**Would you stop already?**_

LUCIO: lmao ur never gonna hear the end of that

D.VA: rip brotherly love

MCCREE: stop fucking saying that

D.VA: lol nope  
D.VA: rip

MCCREE: f ucking

REINHARDT: Hey, has anybody seen Angela or Fareeha?

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LUCIO: ur kidding

GENJI: why would i kid about that lol?  
GENJI: they said something about scouting the area and instead flew to the roof of one of the tall buildings and i havent heard from them since

REINHARDT: Maybe they're actually scouting?

MCCREE: you know what theyre doing

WIDOWMAKER: I can see them now.  
WIDOWMAKER: I think it's best that no one bothers them.

ANA: my sweet little fareehas all grown up

76: Focus on the mission.

D.VA: lol u should talk  
D.VA: what does ghost tongue taste like?

LUCIO: HOLY FUCK IM DEAD

**[TRACER] went idle**

GENJI: shes laughing so hard that she dropped the communicator

MCCREE: same

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

WINSTON: What is going on with all of you?

REINHARDT: love and past relationship problems

HANZO: I'm doing what you told me to.

WINSTON: I'm not worried about you, Hanzo.  
WINSTON: I'm worried about everyone else.

TRACER: i think im okay!

ANA: Winston were making fun of jack and gabe for still being in love

WINSTON: Didn't they try to kill each other?

GENJI: thats a sign of true love  
GENJI: just ask hanzo

HANZO: _Stop!_

REAPER: **We're not still in love.**  
REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **We were never in love in the first place.**

REINHARDT: 

GENJI: THATS IT I CANT ANYMORE OMG

D.VA: old meme  
D.VA: but ill accept it cause holy fuck its funny

76: You're all children.

MCCREE: at least i didnt abandon a mission to try and patch things up with my ex

TRACER: guys i cant breathe!

76: ...

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

WIDOWMAKER: He's crying.

LUCIO: lmao

WIDOWMAKER: In Reaper's arms.

D.VA: omg no fucking way

REINHARDT: Take pics.

ANA: Pls

HANZO: You all really are children.

MCCREE: cant help it  
MCCREE: lifes more fun that way

GENJI: being immature is fun  
GENJI: besides if u acted more like a child maybe u wouldnt have killed me

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

WINSTON: I regret ever initiating the recall.

TRACER: too late now luv!  
TRACER: now youre stuck with us!

WINSTON: Don't remind me.

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [OVERFUCK]**

PHARAH: What'd we miss?

GENJI: bullying jack and reyes

MERCY: So, nothing important?

LUCIO: not really

REINHARDT: You could have joined in if you weren't too busy fooling around with each other.

MERCY: ...

PHARAH: We were scouting...

D.VA: is that what you call it nowadays?

PHARAH: I'm serious.

WIDOWMAKER: They weren't scouting.

MERCY: Leave this instant.

WIDOWMAKER: No.

MERCY: Winston, get rid of her.

WINSTON: I don't even care anymore.  
WINSTON: You deserve this.

MCCREE: you kinda do

MERCY: No we don't.

LUCIO: keep telling yourself that

__________________________________

MEI: Does anyone know where Dr. Ziegler is?

MCCREE: ill give you three guesses

MEI: ...  
MEI: With Fareeha?

MCCREE: bingo

MEI: They've been together for the last three hours!  
MEI: I need to talk with her as soon as possible.

LUCIO: @ANGELA  
LUCIO: stop being a love struck teenager and help out mei

MEI: That's not necessary.  
MEI: But I appreciate the thought, Lucio.

LUCIO: cant say that i didnt try

D.VA: SOS

GENJI: whats going on?

D.VA: im locked in the pantry

MCCREE: ...

LUCIO: how tho?

D.VA: i just wanted a drink

GENJI: elaborate

D.VA: i "accidentally" disturbed mercys and pharahs dinner date and they didnt appreciate it

MCCREE: so they locked you in the pantry?

D.VA: well i did take a few pictures and make fun of the two of them for being so gay

MEI: Yes, that'll probably initiate a response.

REINHARDT: Stop making fun of Fareeha.  
REINHARDT: She's very self-conscious.  
REINHARDT: And she will make you pay for it.

D.VA: im paying for it alright  
D.VA: i can barely move  
D.VA: i think my leg fell off

MCCREE: dont joke about that shit

GENJI: yeah really  
GENJI: jesse just had his arm reattached

D.VA: someone just come help me

REINHARDT: Sorry, I'm out with Jack and Ana.

MCCREE: cant

LUCIO: lol no

GENJI: sorry i dont have a death wish

D.VA: ＼(｀0´)／  
D.VA: @JUNKRAT @TRACER @ZARYA  
D.VA: someone help me

**[ZARYA] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

**[TRACER] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

ZARYA: I will not help you for being dumb.

TRACER: yeah no sorry luv!

JUNKRAT: I CANT DO ANYTHING  
JUNKRAT: BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN!  
JUNKRAT: @ROADHOG

**[MAKO RUTLEDGE] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

**User [MAKO RUTLEDGE] changed name to [ROADHOG]**

ROADHOG: what do you want

JUNKRAT: HANAS TRAPPED IN THE PANTRY  
JUNKRAT: GO SAVE HER

ROADHOG: sorry  
ROADHOG: ziegler and amari are in there  
ROADHOG: even im not that brave

D.VA: OMG WHY IS EVERYONE SO AFRAID OF FAREEHA???

MCCREE: she did lock you in the pantry

GENJI: honestly you deserve this for making fun of them

D.VA: you make fun of them all the time!

GENJI: yes  
GENJI: and ive paid for it every time

ZARYA: You are on your own.

D.VA: :(

MCCREE: well remember you fondly

_______________________________________

D.VA: im still stuck here

GENJI: jesus christ its been four hours

D.VA: I KNOW!!!

LUCIO: i would help you  
LUCIO: but yeah fareeha scares me

MCCREE: hope youre comfortable

D.VA: IM NOT

TRACER: well find a way to get comfortable

______________________________________

D.VA: FREEDOM!

GENJI: she finally let u out?

D.VA: NO I BROKE THROUGH THE DOOR

MCCREE: im not fixing that

LUCIO: no ones gonna miss it

________________________________________

TRACER: does anyone need anything from the store?

76: What store is open at four o'clock in the morning?

TRACER: the best one of course!

WINSTON: Lena, we have a mission tomorrow morning.

TRACER: dont worry i dont need that much sleep

MCCREE: get me more crackers  
MCCREE: somebody ate all mine

LUCIO: those were urs?

MCCREE: youve gotta be kidding me

LUCIO: it was an accident i swear

WINSTON: Accidents are too common on this base.

D.VA: you got that right

REINHARDT: I would kill for some candy around base.

GENJI: so would hanzo  
GENJI: except he would just kill in general

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

HANZO: Genji, stop.

GENJI: nope

TRACER: any preferences?

D.VA: women

LUCIO: lmao

TRACER: i mean for candy...

GENJI: all of it  
GENJI: winstons paying

WINSTON: I most certainly am not.

76: Go to sleep.

MCCREE: whatre you doin up anyway?

D.VA: probably crying over a picture of reyes

76: ...False.

LUCIO: true

REINHARDT: That's better than what I'm dealing with right now.

GENJI: and whats that?

REINHARDT: My room is next to Fareeha's.  
REINHARDT: I'll let you fill in the gaps.

D.VA: gay

TRACER: k im getting as much candy as i can carry

MCCREE: that aint alot

TRACER: you wanna come out and help me cowboy?

MCCREE: well i would  
MCCREE: but i kinda have a bounty on my head

TRACER: right i forgot.  
TRACER: anyone else willing give me a hand?

GENJI: the last time i went shopping i got arrested

WINSTON: Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?

LUCIO: we didnt wanna worry you

WINSTON: Well now I'm worried.

GENJI: u just proved my point

D.VA: sry im streaming lol

76: It's four in the morning.

D.VA: and?

76: Why are you streaming this early in the morning?

D.VA: when else do you want me to do it?

76: HOW ABOUT DOING IT WHEN NOBODY'S TRYING TO SLEEP?

D.VA: nah thats boring

TRACER: ill be back in like ten minutes  
TRACER: im gonna need some help bringing this stuff in though.

WINSTON: I'd help, Lena, but I need to keep working.

TRACER: no problem luv!

MCCREE: ill help ya out

LUCIO: me too

GENJI: yeah let me know when u get back

76: I'm going back to sleep.

D.VA: rude

76: Go the fuck to sleep.

D.VA: no fuck you

76: I won't help you when you lag behind during the mission tomorrow.

GENJI: u dont help us anyway

76: ...  
76: I'm going back to bed.

MCCREE: promise?

76: I fucking hate all of you.

WINSTON: The feeling is mutual.

LUCIO: fucking rekted

GENJI: dying hold on

D.VA: winston wins the savage of the night award holy fuck

76: I don't deserve this from you, Winston.

REINHARDT: _FIVE YEARS, JACK!_

76: ...  
76: Good Night.

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

GENJI: he totally deserves all of this

WINSTON: He does.

LUCIO: are u just so done with our shit now that ur joining our cause?

WINSTON: I wouldn't say that.  
WINSTON: But it's become apparent that being logical with all of you isn't the correct course of action.

MCCREE: thats fair

WINSTON: I'm still disappointed in all of you.

GENJI: are u so disappointed that...  
GENJI: u want to kill me?  
GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: _IT IS FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING I DON'T NEED THIS FROM YOU!_

GENJI: there is never a wrong time to remind u how bad of a person u are

HANZO: Fuck you.

GENJI: lol

_________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

LENA: does this work?  
LENA: omg it does yes!

JESSE: what is this?

LENA: private messaging  
LENA: so we can talk to each other without everyone else seeing

JESSE: this chat was created like 20 years ago how have we never found this until now?

LENA: idk  
LENA: but i got a great idea!

JESSE: oh god

LENA: no its good i swear!

JESSE: you saying that its a good idea doesnt make me feel any better

LENA: wanna play a prank on jack?

JESSE: uh  
JESSE: fucking yes?

LENA: meet me in the kitchen when i get back  
LENA: ill tell you whats going on

JESSE: awesome ill be there

LENA: get genji and lucio too  
LENA: were gonna need their help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if your favorite character hasn't shown up yet! I promise, they'll all appear soon. 
> 
> Except Doomfist.  
> Fuck Doomfist.


	9. SOS: save our soldier 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay someone actually had a really funny idea for what the prank should have been. Unfortunately, I already had the chapter written otherwise I totally would have used it. I appreciate all the positive comments and thanks so much for reading this fic. :D

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

WINSTON: Who's screaming?

TRACER: its jack

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Do I want to know?

MCCREE: knowing you, probably not

GENJI: we tied him to his bed

D.VA: OMG U TOTALLY DID NOT

LUCIO: s2g lmao

**[attached image: buenosdiasfuckboy.png]**

D.VA: OMFG  
D.VA: @ANA @REINHARDT

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

ANA: Greatest thing ive ever seen lol

REINHARDT: Is that duct tape?

MCCREE: it is

REINHARDT: Where did you get all that duct tape?

TRACER: the store was having a sale so i bought every roll of it they had!

REINHARDT: Even with a sale, that couldn't have been cheap.

TRACER: its okay i used winstons credit card

WINSTON: You what now?

ANA: Lol

HANZO: Why does it look so thick?

MCCREE: funny story  
MCCREE: we completely wrapped him in one layer of duct tape  
MCCREE: then we poured super glue on him  
MCCREE: and then put another layer of tape over the super glue

REINHARDT: You're all cruel.  
REINHARDT: But I can't say I wouldn't have done the same.

WINSTON: We have a mission in thirty minutes...

GENJI: there is zero chance that you free him from that in thirty minutes  
GENJI: were looking at maybe a two hour project to get him out of there

D.VA: hell just hold us back anyway

MCCREE: @REAPER  
MCCREE: your boyfriend is in peril

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

REAPER: **He's not my boyfriend.**

GENJI: we all know the truth at this point just stop

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Who is responsible for the chat name?**

LUCIO: u wouldnt believe us if we told u

REAPER: **It was Genji, wasn't it?**

GENJI: no actually  
GENJI: and im actually sad that i didnt think of it myself

REAPER: **Then it had to have been Jesse.**

MCCREE: negative

REAPER: **Then what the fuck?**  
REAPER: **Who else would have the creativity to come up with that?**

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **I don't believe you...**

TRACER: believe it luv!

REAPER: **Was it actually him that came up with it?**

TORBJORN: Yes.

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

REAPER: **What, that's it then?**

D.VA: yeah he doesnt show up much

LUCIO: i think hes said three words to us since winston activated the recall

WINSTON: Unlike all of you, Torbjِorn actually works very hard and doesn't have time to goof off in a chatroom.

GENJI: #offended

D.VA: can we stop with the hashtags its not 2015 anymore

REINHARDT: NEVER GIVE IN TO PEER PRESSURE, GENJI!  
REINHARDT: CONTINUE TO MAKE ME PROUD!

ANA: Quick status update on jack?

MCCREE: threatening to kill us if we dont get him out

LUCIO: idk why he thinks we can get him out so easily  
LUCIO: hes super glued

GENJI: idc if the watchpoint catches on fire  
GENJI: hes not going to get out of that any time soon

REAPER: **What did you do to Jack?**

TRACER: just scroll up lol

REAPER: **...How?**

MCCREE: how what?

REAPER: **How did you even managed to wrap him up like that?**

LUCIO: carefully

REAPER: **Jack's the lightest sleeper on the planet.**  
REAPER: **If you roll over in the bed it'll wake him up.**

ANA: U speaking from experience?

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MCCREE: you walked yourself into that one

REAPER: **Fucking shit.**

HANZO: Do you need me to come and cut him free?

MCCREE: hanzo seriously a circular saw wouldnt even cut him free rn

HANZO: Then how do you expect to get him out?

TRACER: not sure yet  
TRACER: but its not like he has anywhere to be right now!

WINSTON: We have a mission...

LUCIO: it doesnt matter if we have a chance to wipe out all the omnics in existence  
LUCIO: there is no chance we can get him out of there in under an hour

WINSTON: What in the world were you thinking?

GENJI: we were thinking he deserved it

D.VA: he does kinda deserve it

REAPER: **So what?**  
REAPER: **You're just going to leave him there?**

MCCREE: we literally dont have any other choice

REINHARDT: Gabe, we all know that you'd love nothing more than to have Jack tied up like that for you.

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **So?**

D.VA: tmi grandpa pls

ANA: Hes tied jack up before  
ANA: I remember what happened during the vacation in jamaica

REAPER: **YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT ANYTHING HAPPENED THAT NIGHT!**

ANA: Liao and gerard are my witnesses

REAPER: **THEY'RE NOT EVEN HERE ANYMORE!**

ANA: I know what i saw

MCCREE: you and jack are so gay

REAPER: **I SAVED YOU FROM HAVING TO SERVE A PRISON SENTENCE!**

MCCREE: and ill bet you regret it every day

REAPER: **YOU HAVE NO IDEA!**

__________________________________________

**[SATYA VASWANI] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

**User [SATYA VASWANI] changed name to [SYMMETRA]**

SYMMETRA: Winston, are you in the lab by any chance?

D.VA: holy fuck where have you been?

SYMMETRA: I didn't have any other choice.  
SYMMETRA: No one would answer my calls.

WINSTON: I'm not in the lab at the moment, Satya.  
WINSTON: Is there something you need?

SYMMETRA: I was wondering if you had a laser cutter.  
SYMMETRA: I've had enough of Jack screaming throughout the base.

GENJI: ur gonna cut him loose?

SYMMETRA: That's the idea.

LUCIO: good luck lol we wrapped him up tight

SYMMETRA: I'll manage.

GENJI: do u have any idea how much super glue we used?

SYMMETRA: I can only imagine.

WINSTON: There should be one on my desk.  
WINSTON: I'll ask Athena to let you in.

SYMMETRA: Thank you.

REINHARDT: He's still tied to the bed?

MCCREE: yup

REINHARDT: We've been gone for six hours.  
REINHARDT: How has no one cut him free yet?

GENJI: i repeat  
GENJI: do u have any idea how much super glue we used?

D.VA: tbh im surprised hes actually able to keep screaming

MCCREE: yeah i thought his voice wouldve given out by now

SYMMETRA: For what reason did you all do this again?

LUCIO: cause

SYMMETRA: That is not an answer.

GENJI: hes kinda a dick

SYMMETRA: But did he really deserve to be duct taped to a bed for six hours?

MCCREE: its probably been longer than that at this point

ANA: Ive known him for twenty years  
ANA: Yes he absolutely did

SYMMETRA: I fear the retaliation that will come from this.

D.VA: dont worry lol he wont do anything

MCCREE: hell probably go cry to reyes

LUCIO: def

SYMMETRA: I'm cutting him out.

GENJI: have fun

ANA: Any bets on how many times jack threatens to kill us once hes free?

REINHARDT: Six.

MCCREE: more than ten

GENJI: a lot

ANA: Lol this is going to be so great

_____________________________________

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

76: YOU!  
76: ALL OF YOU!  
76: I'LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!

GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

HANZO: _**THIS NEEDS TO STOP...**_

GENJI: over my dead body  
GENJI: oh wait

HANZO: Genji, I swear...

76: WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?  
76: WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL FIRST?

TRACER: *raises hand*

76: LENA!  
76: I THOUGHT YOU WERE MORE MATURE THAN THIS!

TRACER: you thought wrong! :D

MCCREE: you had it comin

76: I'LL KILL YOU THE SLOWEST!  
76: IT WILL BE AS AGONIZING AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

MCCREE: are you hitting on me?  
MCCREE: what would reyes think?

76: FUCK YOU!

MCCREE: you and i both know youd much rather do that to reyes

76: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

GENJI: this is amazing

76: YOU WILL BE THE NEXT TO DIE!

GENJI: sorry boy scout hanzo already beat u to it

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

LUCIO: lmao cold blooded

ANA: Jack u know that u deserved this

76: WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT JUSTIFIES TAPING ME TO MY BED FOR EIGHT HOURS?

REINHARDT: _FIVE. YEARS. JACK._

76: _FUCK. YOU._

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

D.VA: hold on im crying

MCCREE: that reaction was everything we hoped for and more

SYMMETRA: You're welcome, Jack.

LUCIO: lmao satyas a savage

SYMMETRA: I'm almost embarrassed to be associated with all of you.

ANA: Almost?

SYMMETRA: ...  
SYMMETRA: I must admit.  
SYMMETRA: You are all very entertaining at least.

GENJI: yeah satya knows whats up

SYMMETRA: You all still are rather immature.

MCCREE: we try

SYMMETRA: You should stop trying so hard.

D.VA: lmao nope

______________________________

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

WIDOWMAKER: What did you all do to Soldier: 76?

GENJI: his name is jack  
GENJI: just call him jack  
GENJI: calling him soldier 76 just feeds his ego and we need to break that down

WIDOWMAKER: ...Okay.  
WIDOWMAKER: What did you all do to "Jack?"

TRACER: we duct taped him to his bed for like ten hours :D

WIDOWMAKER: _Mon Dieu..._

MCCREE: yeah it mightve been a bit excessive

LUCIO: no it wasnt

D.VA: yeah really it wasnt lol

MCCREE: yall are right actually  
MCCREE: probably shouldve been longer

WIDOWMAKER: Well, he was very upset when I saw him.

GENJI: u saw him?

WIDOWMAKER: He met up with Reaper in the forest.  
WIDOWMAKER: I think he was crying.  
WIDOWMAKER: I don't think either of them knew I was watching them.

ANA: I FUCKING KNEW IT!

REINHARDT: Please tell me you got a picture.

WIDOWMAKER: ...

**[attached image: imtotallynotspying.png]**

D.VA: OMG YES!!!

TRACER: @REAPER @SOLDIER: 76  
TRACER: YOURE BOTH SO GAY LUVS!

REINHARDT: I can't believe they keep denying that they're in love.  
REINHARDT: How many more pictures need to be sent?

MCCREE: i got another one

**[attached image: ididntevenknowreyescouldbendthatway.png]**

D.VA: I JUST FUCKING SPIT MY DRINK ALL OVER THE PLACE

LUCIO: MY EYES

GENJI: IDK IF I SHOULD LAUGH OR PUKE

WIDOWMAKER: If I had feelings, I imagine disgust is what I would be feeling right now.

SYMMETRA: I really didn't need to see that.

MCCREE: you knew what you were signing up for once you joined this chat

ANA: How the fuck did u even get that picture?

MCCREE: there are some things that are better kept as secrets

REINHARDT: Is there any more bleach in the laundry room?

TRACER: nope im currently using all of it bye dont miss me

WINSTON: Jesse...  
WINSTON: _Why?_

MCCREE: hey reinhardt asked

REINHARDT: I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!

 **User [JESSE MCCREE] highlighted message [** How many more pictures need to be sent? **]**

REINHARDT: THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION!

MCCREE: well i took it as one

WINSTON: Athena, please remove that picture at once.

**Attached image [ididntevenknowreyescouldbendthatway.png] has been removed from chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

ANA: Athena u the real mvp

GENJI: i think we should all agree to never speak about this again

MCCREE: fine by me

REINHARDT: Agreed.

LUCIO: my eyes

D.VA: my soul

TRACER: the bleach hasnt killed me yet so i guess ill agree

WIDOWMAKER: I will never be able to get that image out of my head.

GENJI: just ask talon to wipe ur mind again

LUCIO: ask if theyll do me too

ANA: Jesse seriously  
ANA: How did u get that picture?

MCCREE: no comment

D.VA: pls dont ever answer that question

GENJI: just dont show that to jack or reyes  
GENJI: theyll prob kill u  
GENJI: kinda like someone else we know  
GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

HANZO: _FUCKING STOP ALREADY!_

GENJI: LOL!!!

____________________________

**[$0/\/\BR4] entered chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

MCCREE: what the fuck is that?

WINSTON: It looks like a screen name...  
WINSTON: But I don't know where the signal's coming from.

REAPER: **Oh no.**

D.VA: ???

REAPER: **Not again.**

$0/\/\BR4: 01000110 01010101 01000011 01001011 00100000 01000001 01001100 01001100 00100000 01001111 01000110 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 00100000 01001000 01000001 01001000 01000001 01001000 01000001 00100000 01001100 01001111 01001100

GENJI: what the fuck?

WINSTON: That's binary.

REINHARDT: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

LUCIO: i dont speak computer

WINSTON: Athena, could you translate that for us?

**[NO FUCK YOU MONKEY BRAIN]**

WINSTON: I'm a gorilla...

$0/\/\BR4: 01010010 01000101 01000001 01010000 01000101 01010010 00100000 01001001 00100000 01010011 01010100 01001111 01001100 01000101 00100000 01010100 01001000 01000101 00100000 01000011 01000001 01001110 01000100 01011001 00100000 01010101 01001110 01000100 01000101 01010010 00100000 01011001 01001111 01010101 01010010 00100000 01010000 01001001 01001100 01001100 01001111 01010111

MCCREE: pls stop it hurts so bad

REAPER: **SOMBRA, ENOUGH ALREADY!**

**User [$0/\/\BR4] changed name to [SOMBRA]**

SOMBRA: hahaha  
SOMBRA: you were all so confused

LUCIO: who the fuck r u?

REAPER: **That's Sombra.**

GENJI: yeah no shit

MCCREE: who the fuck is sombra?

SOMBRA: me!

MCCREE: oh for christs sake

76: How did you get in here?

SOMBRA: i have my ways ;)

REAPER: **She's one of the best hackers in the world.**

SOMBRA: ahem  
SOMBRA: THE best hacker in the world

REAPER: **Fine...**

SOMBRA: and why are you telling them who i am?

REAPER: **BECAUSE YOU JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU STOLE MY CANDY...**

SOMBRA: i didnt actually know you could read binary

REAPER: **It's a skill I've picked up.**

MCCREE: probably the only skill youve picked up

REAPER: **SILENCE!**

GENJI: yup thats definitely reyes  
GENJI: hes the only one who said that

D.VA: hi sombra  
D.VA: im hana

SOMBRA: nice to meet you hana

D.VA: by any chance are you the one who hacked my stream a few nights ago?

SOMBRA: ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ -

D.VA: she can stay

76: No she can't.

SOMBRA: yeah you really dont have any control over that  
SOMBRA: best hacker in the world and all

REAPER: **I've tried to get rid of her.**  
REAPER: **It's not possible.**

LUCIO: i like her  
LUCIO: she should stay

76: You've known her for five minutes.

GENJI: and?

76: Stop being so chummy with the enemy.

MCCREE: you should talk  
MCCREE: i heard you talking to reyes over skype last night

76: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NEVER IN YOUR OWN ROOMS?

MCCREE: OH IM FUCKIN SORRY I DIDNT REALIZE I HAD A CURFEW

76: MY PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

MCCREE: BUT THEY APPARENTLY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH REYES' JUICY THIGHS THOUGH, HUH?

**[SOLDIER: 76] disconnected from chatroom [JACK + GABE = STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT]**

LUCIO: I CANT FUCKING BREATHE

D.VA: WHAT A FUCKING ROAST OMG!!

SOMBRA: i think im going to like it here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Savage of the Night Award goes to McCree. Jack will never really recover from that.


	10. overwatch vacation archives

**7-19-20XX**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

LIAO: the fucking chat name gets funnier every time i see it lmao

MORRISON: Why has no one changed that yet?

GENJI: because its the greatest thing ever and if u do ill cut ur dick off

MORRISON: Jesus Fucking Christ...

GENJI: nah im kidding lol  
GENJI: but seriously dont change it

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

WINSTON: I hope everyone's enjoying their vacation so far.

MORRISON: I would enjoy being out in the field a lot more.

WINSTON: Jack, you've done more than enough to keep the world safe.  
WINSTON: You're entitled to a little time off.

LIAO: yeah seriously jack dont ruin my vacation

GENJI: dont change the chat name either

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Please reconsider.

GENJI: DONT FUCKING DO IT

WINSTON: You know what?  
WINSTON: I'm on vacation.  
WINSTON: I'm not going to dwell on something this pointless.

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

GENJI: yeah u better run

MORRISON: Have either of you seen Reyes?

LIAO: ive been down by the beach all day  
LIAO: the only one ive seen up to this point is jesse  
LIAO: for some reason no one else likes the fucking beach

GENJI: people normally dont take well to a gorilla or a cyborg ninja walking around the area

LIAO: but people love winston  
LIAO: i saw him signing autographs yesterday

MORRISON: That's against protocol...

LIAO: fucking sue him  
LIAO: but yeah no i have no idea where reyes is

GENJI: hes probably in the gym with reinhardt

MORRISON: Again?

LIAO: everyones got a different way to kill time

MORRISON: I'm gonna go find him and see if he wants to get some lunch.

**[JACK MORRISON] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

GENJI: gay

LIAO: so gay lol  
LIAO: genji seriously tho come down to the beach

GENJI: i already explained to u why thats not a good idea

LIAO: pls?

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: i guess i can swallow my pride for an hour or two

LIAO: youre a swell guy lol

GENJI: never forget it

__________________________________

LIAO: why r you wearing sunscreen?

GENJI: is there something u want to say?

LIAO: well  
LIAO: youre a cyborg  
LIAO: you dont...

GENJI: I DONT WHAT LIAO?

LIAO: you dont have skin  
LIAO: you cant burn

GENJI: JUST LET ME FEEL LIKE I FIT IN

LIAO: okay fine  
LIAO: you missed a spot

GENJI: STOP JUDGING ME!

_____________________________

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[GÉRARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

KIMIKO: I honestly didn't think that Winston was serious about letting us go on vacation.

LACROIX: I'm not complaining.  
LACROIX: Jamaica is lovely this time of year.

MCCREE: why are none of yall at the beach?  
MCCREE: its a perfect day for it

ANA: Not everyone enjoys the beach jesse  
ANA: I myself prefer the pool

MCCREE: are you sure?  
MCCREE: or does fareeha enjoy the pool?

ANA: ARE U INSULTING MY DAUGHTER, COWBOY?

MCCREE: ill stop now

LACROIX: Smart.

KIMIKO: You learn fast, kid.

MCCREE: all i did was ask a question is all  
MCCREE: they only one ive seen at the beach at all is liao

LACROIX: Amélie wanted to visit the spa.  
LACROIX: Otherwise I would have been down there myself.

KIMIKO: I'm not feeling the beach today.  
KIMIKO: Mirembe and I went golfing.

MCCREE: they have golf here?

ANA: Theres more to life than the beach, jesse.

MCCREE: i didnt know the resort had golf

LACROIX: Up until this morning, you also didn't know how to turn the shower in the hotel room on.

ANA: OMG STOP

MCCREE: it was an honest mistake

KIMIKO: How though?  
KIMIKO: The handle even points out which direction you need to turn it to.

MCCREE: i dont want to talk about it

LACROIX: I had to walk down three flights of stairs to show you how to use it.

KIMIKO: Why didn't you just take the elevator?

LACROIX: Ask Lena.  
LACROIX: It took Winston and I half an hour to convince the manager not to throw her out.

ANA: What genji couldnt show u how to do it?

MCCREE: genjis a fucking cyborg  
MCCREE: he cant even shower otherwise hell short circuit or somethin

KIMIKO: Jesse,  
KIMIKO: _It says it on the handle..._

MCCREE: everyone makes mistakes

ANA: Yeah ours was asking u to join the team

LACROIX: Ana, please.

MCCREE: that one hurt captain  
MCCREE: that one really hurt

ANA: That was the point

MCCREE: yall are bullies

LACROIX: I didn't say a word.

MCCREE: cept you

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

REYES: ...  
REYES: Do I want to ask who changed the chat name?

LACROIX: The sooner you accept it, the easier it'll be to deal with.

KIMIKO: It was obviously either Genji or Liao.

ANA: Or jesse

MCCREE: wasnt me

REYES: Whatever.  
REYES: Have any of you seen Jack?

LACROIX: He came into the spa a few minutes ago asking the same about you.  
LACROIX: I guess he forgot that you're not much of a spa person.

ANA: U two are so gay

KIMIKO: Yeah seriously get a room already.

MCCREE: they have a room  
MCCREE: what they do with it is not a story for innocent ears

REYES: Can it, kid.

MCCREE: yes sir

KIMIKO: He probably thinks you're in the gym.

REYES: I'm not this gym-crazy freak that you all seem to think I am.

MCCREE: debatable

REYES: Shut it.

MCCREE: :(

ANA: I havent seen anyone all day  
ANA: Ive been at the pool with fareeha

REYES: Well, if you see him, let me know.

LACROIX: You'll be the first person I call.

**[GABRIEL REYES] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

MCCREE: are we going to have to wrangle the two of them around for this entire vacation?

KIMIKO: They better hope not.  
KIMIKO: I didn't come here to play match maker.

ANA: I know where jack is btw lol

LACROIX: And you didn't tell Reyes on purpose?

ANA: Yup lol

KIMIKO: Ana, you're such a bad influence.

ANA: U said it urself  
ANA: Im not babysitting these two all week

LACROIX: Where is he?

ANA: Standing outside the lobby.  
ANA: He looks very worried  
ANA: Prob because he cant find reyes

MCCREE: im gonna puke

KIMIKO: Oh, come on, Jesse.  
KIMIKO: They're so cute together.

MCCREE: not the word i would use

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

LIAO: sup fuckers?

LACROIX: Hello Liao.

MCCREE: howdy

KIMIKO: Hi.

ANA: Sup fucker?

LIAO: captain i love you so much lol

ANA: Im the best.  
ANA: Never forget it lol

LIAO: were missing someone

KIMIKO: We're missing a few someones actually.

LACROIX: Dr. Ziegler  
LACROIX: Mirembe  
LACROIX: Reinhardt  
LACROIX: Genji

LIAO: nah genjis with me  
LIAO: were at the beach jesse you should come find us

MCCREE: wtf ive walked across the entire thing twice where are you?

LIAO: lifeguard tower 4

MCCREE: mother fucker i just walked past there

LIAO: dont worry were not moving

MCCREE: ill be there in five

LACROIX: Once Amélie's settled in, I may come down as well.

KIMIKO: I'm not.  
KIMIKO: Lena and I are going to the bar.

MCCREE: they have a bar?

ANA: Fucks sake jesse do u pay attention to anything?

LIAO: obv not  
LIAO: he didnt know how to turn the shower on

MCCREE: is everyone gonna give me shit about this?

KIMIKO: Yes.

ANA: Yup lol

LACROIX: I may joke about it from time to time.

MCCREE: alrighty then

LIAO: you kinda deserve it for being so fucking stupid lol

MCCREE: fair enough  
MCCREE: i still dont see you guys

LIAO: jesse were literally right next to the tower

MCCREE: fuck okay now i see you

ANA: Brb a couple of the kids are fighting and i think fareeha started it

KIMIKO: Fuck them up, Amari Jr.

LACROIX: Why are none of you capable of behaving?

__________________________________________

MCCREE: okay really  
MCCREE: is there a reason you have sunscreen on?

GENJI: DONT U START WITH ME TOO

___________________________________________

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

TRACER: okakyy luvvs im a littl drunk hahah

KIMIKO: I told her to stop.

LACROIX: You clearly weren't trying hard enough.

MERCY: You really weren't.

KIMIKO: I'M NOT HERE TO BE A BABY SITTER!

TRACER: its okaey haha i had lots o funn tonite

MCCREE: you cant handle your beer

TRACER: fuk u

WINSTON: Lena, I think you've had enough for one night.

TRACER: naah im juust a lit tle tippsy haha

KIMIKO: She's more than a little tipsy.

MERCY: Bring her back to the room.  
MERCY: I'll take care of her.

LIAO: dont you wanna go out for the night tho?

MERCY: Liao, I've been out all day.  
MERCY: I'm turning a shade of red I wasn't even aware existed on the color spectrum.

MCCREE: who the fuck gets shit faced drunk before eight?

LACROIX: Clearly Lena.

WINSTON: I'm glad that you're all having fun.  
WINSTON: Just please try to be more responsible.

MCCREE: @REINHARDT

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

REINHARDT: WHO HAS SUMMONED ME?

MCCREE: me

REINHARDT: What can I help you with, Jesse?

MCCREE: i challenge you to a drink off

LACROIX: Oh no.

LIAO: jesse why?

GENJI: bad idea

WINSTON: What did I just say?

REINHARDT: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  
REINHARDT: WE SHALL MEET IN THE BAR AT 2200 HOURS

KIMIKO: That's 10 o'clock, Jesse.

MCCREE: i know what fucking time it is

LENA: iz wannto play

ANA: Yeah no the only place ur going is to bed

LENA: plz i cann ke ep drinkin lol im fin

GENJI: can we get a translator in here?

LIAO: "please, i can keep drinking lol im fine"

KIMIKO: She's not fine.

LENA: wot woud u' kno w?

LIAO: "what would you know?"

WINSTON: Just get her back to her room before she hurts herself.

KIMIKO: What in fuck's name do you think I'm doing?

LACROIX: Seems like you're texting.

KIMIKO: This is not the time to be a smart ass, Gerard.

LACROIX: It's "Gérard."

KIMIKO: In a minute, it's going to be "Fuck You."

LENA: yayy fiht fit fght

LIAO: "yay fight fight fight"

GENJI: how do u write out something three times and spell it wrong each time?

MCCREE: when youre shit faced its a lot easier than you think

MERCY: Can you even drink?

MCCREE: well here yeah  
MCCREE: back in america no  
MCCREE: but no one really stopped me anyway

ANA: Ur so bad jesse

LIAO: lmao

KIMIKO: Angela open the door.

MERCY: Coming.

REINHARDT: PREPARE YOURSELVES FRIENDS, FOR TONIGHT, JESSE MCCREE LOSES TO A SUPERIOR OPPONENT!

MCCREE: BRING IT!

LENA: jess es a litewei/ight

LIAO: "jesses a lightweight"

JESSE: yeah i understood that the first time fucking thank you

ANA: lol

LACROIX: I imagine this isn't going to end well.

GENJI: u imagine correctly

MCCREE: yall have no faith in me  
MCCREE: youll see ill beat him

______________________________________________

GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: i think jesse has alcohol poisoning

MERCY: I don't care.

LIAO: but  
LIAO: but youre the doctor

MERCY: I'm on vacation, Liao.

GENJI: but angela

MERCY: If none of you have to work, why do I?

KIMIKO: So you'd just let Jesse die?

MERCY: Yes.

LIAO: savage af

LACROIX: It's okay, Angela.  
LACROIX: I've already alerted the hotel staff.  
LACROIX: They'll take care of him.

MERCY: Thank you, Gérard.

LIAO: how tf do you do that?

MERCY: ...Do what?

LIAO: the e for gerards name

LACROIX: Gérard

LIAO: I KNOW WHAT IT FUCKING IS I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT

MERCY: It's a secret.

LIAO: BUT I HATE SECRETS

REINHARDT: That boy was foolish to challenge me.

ANA: That boy is foolish in general

KIMIKO: He held his own, though.  
KIMIKO: Kind of.

GENJI: he did  
GENJI: but he still didnt stand a chance

WINSTON: Is he okay?

LIAO: hell live

WINSTON: Good enough for me.

ANA: Hey has anyone seen jack or gabriel?

LACROIX: Did they finally find each other?

ANA: I think so  
ANA: They havent asked any of us if weve seen the other so they mustve

REINHARDT: Where do you think they are?

GENJI: i can make an educated guess

LIAO: i bet reyes is in the gym

REINHARDT: He has not gone in the gym once this week all of you need to stop it.

ANA: Im gonna go look for them  
ANA: Reinhardt could u watch fareeha while im gone?

REINHARDT: Anything for you, Captain.

LIAO: im coming with you

LACROIX: As am I.

GENJI: ill go check the beach

KIMIKO: I will go back to my room and watch horribly scripted reality TV shows.

WINSTON: Likewise.  
WINSTON: Minus the horribly scripted reality TV shows.

LACROIX: Are we just going to leave Jesse here?

MERCY: The hotel staff will handle it.  
MERCY: He'll be fine.

ANA: You boys coming or what?

LIAO: WAIT FOR ME!

___________________________________

LIAO: @EVERYONE  
LIAO: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

ANA: THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!

LACROIX: I have no words.

KIMIKO: What happened?

ANA: You wouldnt fucking believe it

LIAO: SO WE GO SEARCHING FOR MORRISON AND REYES AND THE FUCKING SEARCH TAKES US ALL THE WAY AROUND THE HOTEL WITH NO SIGN OF THEM.  
LIAO: SO THEN WE GO BACK TO THEIR ROOM BECAUSE THATS LITERALLY THE ONLY PLACE THEY COULD BE.  
LIAO: SO WE KNOCK ON THE DOOR, WAIT A FEW MINUTES AND THEN CAPTAIN AMARI GOT TIRED OF WAITING AND KICKED IT OPEN AND YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE WHAT THOSE TWO HORN DOGS WERE DOING.

MERCY: Did you just call them horn dogs?

ANA: Not important

REINHARDT: What were they doing?

WINSTON: I think I'm going to regret hearing this answer.

LACROIX: There's nothing to hear.  
LACROIX: Only something to see.

**[attached image: reyeshasjackwrappeduplikeapresentwtf.png]**

MERCY: That is an oddly specific title.

LACROIX: It's not wrong.

KIMIKO: WHAT THE FUCK?

REINHARDT: Oh my...

WINSTON: I knew I was going to regret this.

GENJI: why tho?  
GENJI: do these men have no shame?

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

MORRISON: I can explain...

LIAO: i cant wait to fucking hear this

ANA: Enlighten us

MORRISON: ...Uh  
MORRISON: Gabe was teaching me how to escape from being tied up.  
MORRISON: Kind of like Harry Houdini.

REINHARDT: There is no possible way that any of us are going to believe that.

KIMIKO: Oh, so he's Gabe now?  
KIMIKO: I thought you always called him Reyes.

REYES: Stop talking.

GENJI: yeah no were all gonna keep talking

WINSTON: Look...  
WINSTON: I know that it's your vacation.  
WINSTON: But is this really something that needs to be done?

MORRISON: WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING!

LIAO: THATS NOT WHAT THE PICTURE SAYS

REYES: Pictures can't talk.

LIAO: fuck you

LACROIX: _I saw everything..._  
LACROIX: _All the therapy in the world can not save me now._

ANA: U know u fucked up when gerards using italics

LACROIX: é

ANA: Get over it snail eater

LACROIX: We do not eat snails nearly as much as you all seem to think.

KIMIKO: Why are we jumping off topic?

REYES: Please continue to jump off topic.

GENJI: never

REINHARDT: So when's the wedding?

REYES: _**We're not romantically linked.**_

LIAO: couldve fooled me

MERCY: Do you two have no shame?

MORRISON: We are only ashamed of our actions once they are discovered by someone else.

GENJI: take it easy socrates

MORRISON: Fuck you.

KIMIKO: Confucius say, Jack and Gabe are really gay.

LIAO: FUCKING DEAD!

REYES: I'm going to bed.

MERCY: Take Jack with you.

REYES: Fuck you.

**[GABRIEL REYES] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: I'm leaving too.

ANA: What a surprise

KIMIKO: Learn from past mistakes, Jack.

REINHARDT: Unlikely.

MORRISON: All of you stay out of my personal life.

GENJI: fuck no

LACROIX: _I HAVE THE PICTURE, JACK!_  
LACROIX: _I WILL REMEMBER EVERYTHING!_

MERCY: Gérard has used italics twice in the last twenty minutes.  
MERCY: You've really disrupted the tempo in here, Jack.

MORRISON: I didn't tell you to break the door down.

ANA: No but i was worried when u didnt answer  
ANA: Any rational human being would have done the same thing

MORRISON: I beg to differ.

LIAO: you know  
LIAO: if you just wouldve said something like "oh reyes and i are going to hang out at the beach" or something along those lines we never wouldve came looking for you  
LIAO: you have no one to blame but yourself

MORRISON: We're all adults...  
MORRISON: I can handle myself.  
MORRISON: There is no reason why you should have come looking for me.

ANA: We were worried

REINHARDT: We didn't hear from you for a few hours.  
REINHARDT: Can you really blame us for that?

MORRISON: Yes.

GENJI: alright everyone so now we know  
GENJI: if you ever go missing jack wont be looking for you

MORRISON: Shut up.

MERCY: You can't see me, Jack, but I'm shaking my head.

KIMIKO: Same.

WINSTON: I know that I shouldn't be getting involved in your personal affairs.  
WINSTON: _BUT WHY?_

MORRISON: Just leave us alone from now on.

ANA: Jack  
ANA: Im not mad  
ANA: Just very disappointed

**[JACK MORRISON] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

LIAO: LMAO!

ANA: I had a feeling that would push him over the edge

GENJI: jesse isnt going to believe this

REINHARDT: So he's still alive?

GENJI: yeah hotel security brought him back up here once they made sure he wasnt dying

KIMIKO: What a shame.

LIAO: damn kimiko lol

KIMIKO: I'm obviously joking.

GENJI: lies

WINSTON: We can discuss this further in the morning.  
WINSTON: It's a little too late for my tastes.

LIAO: booooo

MERCY: I think I'm going to be checking in as well.

REINHARDT: Likewise.

KIMIKO: I will be doing the same.

GENJI: @LIAO  
GENJI: arcades open until 4

LIAO: LETS FUCKING GO BOI

__________________________________

LIAO: GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING TICKETS

GENJI: NO I WANT THAT TOY SWORD

LIAO: YOU HAVE A REAL ONE THO

GENJI: I DONT TELL U HOW TO LIVE UR LIFE

___________________________________

MCCREE: i dont know whats more depressin  
MCCREE: the fact that i lost to reinhardt  
MCCREE: or the fact that i lost to reinhardt and ended up missing this entire conversation

REINHARDT: DO NOT CHALLENGE A CRUSADER TO A DRINKING COMPETITION!

GENJI: last night revealed a lot of interesting information  
GENJI: like how liao sucks at skeeball

LIAO: FUCK YOU  
LIAO: THOSE WERE MY TICKETS

GENJI: and with them i got this

**[attached image: toyswordloleatshitliao.png]**

MCCREE: are yall like five years old?

LIAO: you dress as a cowboy

GENJI: yeah really this isnt the wild west pardner

REINHARDT: Your alcohol tolerance is pathetic.

MCCREE: alright i guess ill just go throw myself off the balcony

ANA: Take pics

TRACER: whatd i miss?

GENJI: literally everything

KIMIKO: Scroll up.

TRACER: omg!!!  
TRACER: so they actually are dating!  
TRACER: i knew it!

MERCY: You and everyone else in Overwatch.

LACROIX: And hundreds of people at this hotel.

LIAO: whatre they doing now anyway?

ANA: They put a barricade in front of their door  
ANA: Theyre getting smarter

REINHARDT: I brought my hammer with me.

WINSTON: Reinhardt no.

REINHARDT: Reinhardt yes!

___________________________________________

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

MORRISON: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?

REINHARDT: I had to make sure the two of you were okay.

MORRISON: WE WERE PERFECTLY FINE UNTIL AN EIGHT FOOT TALL GERMAN BROKE DOWN OUR DOOR WITH A ROCKET POWERED HAMMER!

REINHARDT: You're welcome.

ANA: Were they doing anything funny?

REINHARDT: Nope.  
REINHARDT: They were just watching TV.

GENJI: boring

KIMIKO: So boring.

WINSTON: You broke down the door...?

MORRISON: Yes he did.

WINSTON: We have to pay for that, you know.

TRACER: its okay the room is in liaos name

LIAO: HOLD THE FOOK UP

GENJI: fook?

MCCREE: why is this so goddamn funny?

REINHARDT: Don't worry, friend.  
REINHARDT: I shall pay for the damages.

LIAO: okay good

REINHARDT: I am a man of honor.  
REINHARDT: It would be wrong of me to not take responsibility for my actions.

KIMIKO: The world would be a much better place if everyone was more like you, Reinhardt.

LACROIX: If you exclude the part where he breaks down doors.

REYES: I can't fucking stand any of you.

GENJI: thats no way to talk to your bestest friends

TRACER: all we want to do is look after you!

REYES: I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself.

MCCREE: i saw you punch a hole in the common room wall because you couldnt find your running shoes

REYES: Kid...  
REYES: Shut your mouth.

WINSTON: You said that hole was from Liao kicking a soccer ball around...

LIAO: I HAD TO DO LAUNDRY FOR A WEEK BECAUSE OF THAT!

KIMIKO: The truth comes out.

LIAO: IM SO FUCKING MAD

REYES: Get over it, Liao.

LIAO: well shucks im cured all of the sudden  
LIAO: thanks reyes

REYES: Fuck you.

LACROIX: We came here to relax.

MERCY: This is Overwatch.  
MERCY: There's no such thing as relaxation here.  
MERCY: Especially when Liao, Genji, Jesse, and Ana are around.

LIAO: hey im a nice guy

MCCREE: i literally just saw you pop a little kids balloon because he stepped on your foot

LIAO: YOU CANT PROVE ANYTHING

KIMIKO: Liao...  
KIMIKO: Seriously?

LIAO: im not apologizing  
LIAO: i think he broke my toe

MERCY: I'm not helping you if that's the case.

LIAO: you are the least friendly doctor i think ive ever met

MERCY: I'll remember that the next time you fall down the stairs and need medical attention.

GENJI: u done fucked up now

WINSTON: Enough already.  
WINSTON: We still have three more days of vacation.  
WINSTON: Everyone go enjoy yourselves.

ANA: Jack and gabriel enjoy themselves a little too much

MORRISON: Fuck off.

MCCREE: fuck on

MORRISON: I hope you die a horrible death.

GENJI: funny u should mention that

REYES: **SILENCE!**

LACROIX: There are times where I don't know if I should laugh or just be very disappointed in all of you.

KIMIKO: I'd be disappointed in Jack.

TRACER: yeah look at his taste in men

REYES: ...

**[GABRIEL REYES] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

MORRISON: You are all awful.

ANA: Not as awful as ur taste in men.

MORRISON: I don't need this right now.

LIAO: i have an idea of what you do need

MORRISON: No.

LIAO: spoiler alert its reyes

**[JACK MORRISON] left chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

MCCREE: im laughing so fucking hard

__________________________________

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [CHOKE ME DADDY I'M SO WET]**

LIAO: where the fuck have you been this entire fucking week?

MIREMBE: Enjoying my vacation without the distractions that come with this group chat.

WINSTON: Smartest decision you've ever made.

GENJI: how did ur phone not explode every five seconds?

MIREMBE: I turned notifications off.

LIAO: how tho?  
LIAO: id be so bored without this chat

MIREMBE: You and I have very different means of entertaining ourselves, Liao.

LIAO: i guess i cant argue with that

MIREMBE: It was nice to get away for a while.  
MIREMBE: Snorkeling in the bay was an experience I won't soon forget.

MCCREE: you can go snorkeling here?

GENJI: jesse oh my fucking god  
GENJI: did u go anywhere besides the beach or ur room this week?

MCCREE: ...maybe

KIMIKO: That's a no.

MCCREE: i like the beach

ANA: That doesnt mean u shouldnt see what else the resort has to offer!

MIREMBE: Jesse, you really should have explored.

MCCREE: hey i had fun anyway

REINHARDT: Jack and Gabriel didn't.  
REINHARDT: At least for the most part.

MIREMBE: I heard bits and pieces of this entire situation.

LACROIX: Trust me, you aren't missing much.

LIAO: gerard you should send the picture again

LACROIX: First of all, é  
LACROIX: Second of all, No.

LIAO: cant say i didnt try lol

WINSTON: Our flight leaves in an hour.  
WINSTON: Everyone gather up your things.  
WINSTON: We should get to the airport with at least twenty minutes to spare.

KIMIKO: I'm going to miss this place.

TRACER: me too!

MIREMBE: I did enjoy my time here.  
MIREMBE: Thank you for bringing me along, Winston.

WINSTON: Anytime.

REINHARDT: Shall I wake Jack and Gabriel?

WINSTON: I don't want you anywhere near that door again.

GENJI: yeah we can only afford so many more incidents

MERCY: I thought the door was the only problem?

LACROIX: And the elevator.

TRACER: it was an accident!

LACROIX: And the pool.

ANA: Thats what those children get for trying to steal the ball from fareeha

WINSTON: We just narrowly avoided a lawsuit...

ANA: Say what u want im proud of my little girl

LACROIX: And the vending machine in the lobby.

MCCREE: all i wanted was my fuckin milk dud

WINSTON: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO PUNCH IT WITH YOUR PROSTHETIC...

MCCREE: given the circumstances it seemed like the best course of action

MIREMBE: I respect all of you as employees and friends.  
MIREMBE: But you are all very strange people.

LIAO: but thats what makes us great!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Letting Overwatch take a vacation would have disastrous results. Especially if Reinhardt's hammer was involved.


	11. the meme war will never end

**[TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

GENJI: !!!  
GENJI: master what r u doing here?

ZENYATTA: I've been here.  
ZENYATTA: I just haven't seen the need to reveal myself until now.

76: If you value your sanity, I would leave and never come back.

ZENYATTA: My sanity is not a problem, Commander Morrison.

76: ...Jack Morrison died in Switzerland.

ZENYATTA: Lying to me does not equate to a good first impression, Commander.

76: I'm not your commander anymore.

ZENYATTA: Suit yourself.

D.VA: hes jack morrison

ZENYATTA: I'm well aware.  
ZENYATTA: It's common knowledge.

76: No it isn't.

ZENYATTA: What did I just say about lying to me, Jack?

76: ...

LUCIO: hi zenyatta

ZENYATTA: Greetings, Lucio.  
ZENYATTA: How have you been?

LUCIO: cant complain lol

ZENYATTA: Wonderful.

GENJI: no offense master but y r u here?

ZENYATTA: I just felt like finally becoming active in the chat.  
ZENYATTA: If I'm going to be on base now, I feel that it's the best course of action for me to take in order to properly communicate with everyone.

GENJI: ur finally coming to base?

ZENYATTA: I've grown weary from my travels.  
ZENYATTA: I've decided to finally accept Winston's invitation and make my way to Gibraltar.

WINSTON: Glad to hear from you, Zenyatta.  
WINSTON: Let me know when you arrive so that I can get you situated.

ZENYATTA: Of course.

D.VA: i hate to change the feel good atmosphere but has anyone seen junkrat?

MCCREE: med wing

WINSTON: ...Again?

MCCREE: hes a strange brew

LUCIO: what did he do this time?

MCCREE: @ROADHOG

**[ROADHOG] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

ROADHOG: what?

MCCREE: tell them the story

ROADHOG: theres nothing to tell  
ROADHOG: hes just an idiot

LUCIO: old news dude

GENJI: did he blow something up again?

ROADHOG: no

76: What happened?

ROADHOG: he tried to jump off the side of the watchpoint and into the water  
ROADHOG: he missed

D.VA: lol

MCCREE: he hit literally every single rock on the way down

76: How the fuck do you miss the fucking ocean?

ROADHOG: i said hes an idiot

MCCREE: understatement of the year

D.VA: @MERCY  
D.VA: is he alive?

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

MERCY: He has a few bruises and I had to snap his prosthetic back into place, but otherwise he's fine.

ROADHOG: shame

LUCIO: u love him

ROADHOG: i dont  
ROADHOG: but im stuck with him now  
ROADHOG: unfortunately

MERCY: Mako, when you have the time, I have a few things I need carried.  
MERCY: Would you be willing to help?

ROADHOG: ...  
ROADHOG: sure doc

MERCY: Thank you.

**[ROADHOG] left chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

D.VA: good guy roadhog

GENJI: angela why dont u just ask fareeha?  
GENJI: i know how much u like watching her toned body in action

LUCIO: pls dont ever say that again

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Fareeha's very tired.  
MERCY: I'm going to give her some time to rest.

MCCREE: why is she tired?

GENJI: ill give you three guesses

D.VA: lol gay

LUCIO: so gay

MERCY: She was up late working last night.  
MERCY: I think it's best that everyone lets her sleep.

76: Working on what?

REINHARDT: _HER ROOM'S RIGHT NEXT TO MINE..._  
REINHARDT: _I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS WORKING ON..._

GENJI: why r the 2 of u so gay?

MERCY: Don't...

D.VA: cmon theyre so cute

MERCY: Stop making fun of us.  
MERCY: Fareeha's still very self-conscious.  
MERCY: She doesn't want to hear all this.

MCCREE: we make fun of you because we love you

TRACER: thats the truth luv! :)

MERCY: You can make fun of me.  
MERCY: Just let Fareeha build her confidence a bit.  
MERCY: It's still very new to her.

GENJI: whats she gonna do if i dont?  
GENJI: kill me?  
GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

HANZO: _GENJI, I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS CONTINUES..._

GENJI: fight me

HANZO: The last time we fought, it didn't turn out very well for you, now did it?

D.VA: ooooohhhhhh shit!!!

LUCIO: wow he finally had a comeback

GENJI: WOW  
GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: I NEED HELP HANZO KILLED ME AGAIN

MERCY: Get in line.  
MERCY: Jamison still needs attention.

GENJI: but ive been killed

MERCY: And who's fault is that?

MCCREE: probably jacks

76: Shut up.

D.VA: its totally jacks

REINHARDT: _FIVE YEARS..._

76: _WOULD YOU GET OVER IT, ALREADY?_

REINHARDT: _I BURIED YOU!_

LUCIO: if only you really did

76: Can we all act a little bit more mature, here?

MCCREE: dont you have an edgy bedsheet that needs attention?

76: Fuck you.

TRACER: hey angela fareehas awake!  
TRACER: i can hear her stomping down the hall!

MERCY: Can you send her to the medical wing?

MCCREE: whats in it for us?

MERCY: I'll kill you if you don't.

ZENYATTA: @HANZO

HANZO: Not you too.

D.VA: OMG YES

LUCIO: the list of savages in this chat gets bigger every day lol

76: You're all children.

D.VA: omg find a new line

MERCY: Lena, can you please send Fareeha to the medical wing?  
MERCY: I need to make sure she's okay.

TRACER: sure thing angie :)

LUCIO: gay

MERCY: Shut up.

_______________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: hey you there?

SOMBRA: im always here lol  
SOMBRA: i just choose not say things sometimes

HANA: can you do me a favor?

SOMBRA: anything for you, chica

HANA: can you hack mercys communicator and give me control of it for a minute?

SOMBRA: youre only speaking to the best hacker in the world  
SOMBRA: of course i can

HANA: alright cool cause i have a funny idea

SOMBRA: okay here you go  
SOMBRA: *BOOP*

_____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

ANGELA: 

FAREEHA: What the fuck?

______________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

SOMBRA: youre evil

HANA: if you think that wasnt funny youre lying to yourself

SOMBRA: i didnt say that it wasnt funny  
SOMBRA: i just said that youre evil

HANA: i heard fareeha run past my room lol  
HANA: she sounds so confused

SOMBRA: lol  
SOMBRA: youre gonna want to get this reaction on camera

HANA: do you have access to our cameras?

SOMBRA: i might

HANA: i love you so much

____________________________________

 

MERCY: @SOMBRA  
MERCY: I KNOW IT WAS YOU!

**[SOMBRA] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

SOMBRA: qué?

MERCY: DON'T ACT DUMB!  
MERCY: I KNOW YOU DID IT!

SOMBRA: ؟Qué quieres decir?

LUCIO: i dont speak spanish

MCCREE: youre from brazil

LUCIO: WE SPEAK PORTUGUESE YOU UNCULTERED FUCK

GENJI: lol rekted

MERCY: STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION SOMBRA!

SOMBRA: i didnt do anything

MERCY: I KNOW THAT YOU HACKED MY COMMUNICATOR AND SENT THAT PICTURE TO FAREEHA!

SOMBRA: *gasps in spanish*

LUCIO: lol best response ever

MCCREE: what happened?

MERCY: She hacked my communicator and sent a very rude photo to Fareeha from my number.

PHARAH: I'm so confused.

SOMBRA: okay ill admit  
SOMBRA: i hacked the communicator  
SOMBRA: but i didnt send the photo

MERCY: Then who did?

SOMBRA: like id ever tell you lol

MCCREE: what was the photo?

PHARAH: I...  
PHARAH: I really don't know.

GENJI: send it

PHARAH: I don't think I can.

D.VA: boooo

LUCIO: you should be able to send it  
LUCIO: save the picture and then try it

PHARAH: I don't know if I want to.

REINHARDT: DO IT!

PHARAH: Fine.  
PHARAH: But be warned...  
PHARAH: I have no idea what to make of this.  
PHARAH: 

MCCREE: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

LUCIO: I CANT BREATHE

GENJI: IM DYING  
GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

HANZO: _**FUCKING ENOUGH ALREADY!**_

REINHARDT: What in the world?

PHARAH: I have no idea.

D.VA: youre welcome

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: YOU SENT IT?

D.VA: i didnt say that

PHARAH: You essentially just admitted it.

D.VA: no i didnt

MERCY: I see the text.

D.VA: no you dont

MERCY: Yes I do.  
MERCY: You admitted it.

D.VA: nope

LUCIO: i dont see any admission

MCCREE: me either

MERCY: I don't like any of you.

GENJI: u like fareeha  
GENJI: a lot  
GENJI: *wink wink*

PHARAH: Genji, please.

REINHARDT: I don't know if I should laugh at that picture or join you in being confused.

76: What is going on here?

SOMBRA: no one really knows

LUCIO: all i really know is that mercy and pharah r gay

MCCREE: so does the entire eastern hemisphere

MERCY: Both of you, stop.

LUCIO: lol nah

D.VA: its just something that i found  
D.VA: i thought id get a funny reaction

PHARAH: So you did send it?

D.VA: i dont remember ever saying that

PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: I SEE THE FUCKING TEXT!

ANA: Language.

PHARAH: Mom, I'm 32.

ANA: Ur still my baby

SOMBRA: mommas girl

PHARAH: At least I have a momma.

LUCIO: OH FUCKING SHIT

MCCREE: fareeha no

SOMBRA: ...

**[SOMBRA] left chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

GENJI: fareeha  
GENJI: i dont think u understand the consequences of what uve just done

PHARAH: I'm not scared of her.

D.VA: you should be  
D.VA: you really should be

REINHARDT: The retaliation from this may be catastrophic.

____________________________________________

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

SYMMETRA: @SOMBRA  
SYMMETRA: I know that you're responsible for this.

SOMBRA: you cant prove anything

LUCIO: my eyes

GENJI: she was warned

MCCREE: why tho?  
MCCREE: WHY?

SOMBRA: just cause

SYMMETRA: What makes you think that any of us want to see this?

SOMBRA: idc if you want to see it or not because youre seeing it

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

WINSTON: Sombra...  
WINSTON: _Please stop._

SOMBRA: no

REINHARDT: I could have gone my whole life without seeing these.

WINSTON: What inspired this to happen?

SOMBRA: the egyptian made fun of me

WINSTON: _SO YOU POSTED THOSE PICTURES ON OUR HOLOSCREENS?_

SOMBRA: serves her right

76: What the fuck is going on?

MCCREE: sombras form of revenge

76: Well can it stop?  
76: Please?

SOMBRA: no

D.VA: how did you even get those pictures?

SOMBRA: i have access to all your cameras  
SOMBRA: its not like the two of them are subtle about it anyway

WINSTON: Stop hacking into our cameras.

SOMBRA: yeah no

GENJI: do we really need to see this?  
GENJI: we all like you

SOMBRA: the price has to be paid somehow

MCCREE: this is not the way to do it

SOMBRA: you do your job and ill do mine

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

MERCY: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

SOMBRA: blame your girlfriend

PHARAH: I didn't do anything.

SOMBRA: next time dont insult me

PHARAH: I was making a joke.  
PHARAH: I'm sorry if you can't tell the difference

SOMBRA: are you mocking me again?

PHARAH: I'm just saying.

MCCREE: fareeha stop while youre ahead

GENJI: shes not ahead

LUCIO: my eyes

REINHARDT: Under no circumstances do I need to see what Fareeha and Angela are doing in the bedroom.

D.VA: you complain about hearing it all the time

REINHARDT: _THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT TO SEE IT, TOO!_

PHARAH: My privacy has been violated.  
PHARAH: Fuck you Sombra.

SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: dont you dare

PHARAH: I'm going to destroy you.

SOMBRA: not if i destroy you first  
SOMBRA: i happened to scroll through the messages that you exchanged with the fine doctor ziegler  
SOMBRA: i think this ones my favorite

**[attached image: iknowyouwantit.png]**

MCCREE: MY  
MCCREE: FUCKING  
MCCREE: GOD

LUCIO: MY EYES

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

REINHARDT: He just ran screaming from his room.  
REINHARDT: Not that I blame him.

D.VA: so thats where all the red paint went

76: _What the fuck is that?_

WINSTON: @JUNKRAT  
WINSTON: I give you full permission to blow up every monitor on base.

JUNKRAT: I LUV YOU WINSTON!

ANA: *sniff*  
ANA: My baby fareeha is all grown up  
ANA: But seriously what the fuck?

SYMMETRA: Why do these things happen on a daily basis?

SOMBRA: she challenged me

MCCREE: i really dont even know what to say

MERCY: Sombra...  
MERCY: Don't you think you took this a bit too far?

SOMBRA: not particularly

SYMMETRA: You took it a bit too far.

LUCIO: my eyes

PHARAH: If I apologize, will you remove all this stuff from existance?

SOMBRA: perhaps

PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: I'm sorry?

SOMBRA: *BOOP*

REINHARDT: The apocalypse has ended.

TRACER: speak for yourself luv  
TRACER: my brain is melting

76: I should've stayed as a vigilante

MCCREE: i shouldve taken the prison sentence

PHARAH: I'm going to lock myself in my room and never come out.

LUCIO: my eyes

ANA: Should i bring u some tea dear?

PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: Please.

SYMMETRA: The things that happen on this base really cause me to wonder how we pose a threat to anyone.

MERCY: Can we agree to never speak about this again?

LUCIO: my eyes

76: Nothing would make me happier.

SOMBRA: just dont make fun of me again

REINHARDT: After today, I don't think you have to worry about that again.

MCCREE: whats exploding?

WINSTON: @JUNKRAT  
WINSTON: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!

JUNKRAT: HEY ITS HARD TO TELL THROUGH TEXT MATE

WINSTON: _STOP!_

JUNKRAT: FINE!!!

MERCY: Could this day get any worse?

SOMBRA: only if you want it to

MERCY: No...

SOMBRA: hey i was just saying

MCCREE: please stop challenging her

LUCIO: my eyes

D.VA: get over it already

______________________________

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

WIDOWMAKER: Sombra...  
WIDOWMAKER: _ENOUGH!_

SOMBRA: im not doing anything

WIDOWMAKER: _TAKE THE PHOTOS OFF THE SCREEN!_

SOMBRA: i did?

WIDOWMAKER: No you didn't.

SOMBRA: _mierda_

WIDOWMAKER: I don't need to see this.

SOMBRA: sorry i didnt know i didnt take it down

WIDOWMAKER: Don't let it happen again.

SOMBRA: no promises

______________________________________

ANA: That went well

MCCREE: depends on your definition of well

LUCIO: i literally almost died

GENJI: is that right?

LUCIO: ...im sorry

GENJI: no its fine

76: What is wrong with all of you?

MCCREE: well i only have one arm

76: _Not the point..._

LUCIO: look were fine  
LUCIO: reaper doesnt know how to shoot

REAPER: 

GENJI: what the fuck?

TRACER: wot?

LUCIO: _what the fuck is that?_

76: Not again.

MCCREE: theres no context...  
MCCREE: i dont understand

ANA: _Please god no_

_______________________________

MERCY: Does anyone want any of the leftover bagels?

LUCIO: theres bagels?

PHARAH: Yeah, Reinhardt picked them up.

MCCREE: i want bagels

GENJI: u guys remember that time when reyes accidentally ate jacks bagel and jack didnt talk to him for like three days?

ANA: I was worried they were going to get divorced

76: _We were never married..._

REAPER: 

MCCREE: what the fuck is that?

GENJI: why r u like this?

LUCIO: _fucking stop_

76: I can't stand you.

_______________________________

LUCIO: i cant feel my legs

GENJI: me either  
GENJI: but my legs arent real  
GENJI: @HANZO  
GENJI: thanks for nothing

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

HANZO: _How have you not gotten tired of this, yet?_

GENJI: u killed me  
GENJI: idk why u think im just gonna let it go

HANZO: You've been doing this for weeks...

GENJI: not long enough

HANZO: I hate you.

GENJI: that became obvious when u tried to kill me

76: WHY CAN NONE OF YOU FOLLOW AN ORDER?

MCCREE: you said it yourself  
MCCREE: youre not our commander anymore  
MCCREE: that doesnt mean im required to listen to you

76: _Can you stop being so petty for once in your life?_

MCCREE: most likely not

D.VA: lol no

ANA: I told all of u not to shoot the barrel

D.VA: no you didnt  
D.VA: your exact words were "i bet you wont shoot that barrel"  
D.VA: and obviously i couldnt let you win

WINSTON: Ana...  
WINSTON: You're supposed to be in charge.  
WINSTON: Stop acting so childish.

ANA: Lol never

GENJI: hey at least we secured the payload

TRACER: we also destroyed that building

D.VA: ana shouldnt have dared me

76: Absolutely unreal.

LUCIO: im sorry  
LUCIO: where tf were you the entire time?

MCCREE: we all know the answer to that

76: ...Shut up.

D.VA: guilty

TRACER: he was doing the same thing angie and fareeha were doing

WINSTON: _Can you all stop abandoning missions to get your freak on?_

D.VA: wishful thinking

GENJI: did winston just use the phrase get ur freak on?

LUCIO: i would laugh if i wasnt in so much pain

MCCREE: im laughing for you

MERCY: My job would be so much easier if you all stopped getting hurt in such avoidable ways.

TRACER: yah but thats no fun

MERCY: It'll be even less fun when I just start letting you all bleed out.

ANA: U and i both know that u would never be able to do that

GENJI: yeah u care too much

MERCY: And that is my biggest weakness.

GENJI: next to fareehas body

LUCIO: okay now im dying

GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: Fuck you.  
HANZO: Just fuck you.

WINSTON: I don't know what I'm going to do with any of you.

GENJI: if u ask him to hanzo would probably have no problem with killing us

HANZO: Stop...

WIDOWMAKER: It honestly amazes me that you're all this disorganized yet somehow always manage to successfully complete your mission.

MCCREE: successfully aint the word id use

LUCIO: i need healing

MERCY: You need a psychologist.

D.VA: burn

MERCY: Actually, you all just need to be put in straight jackets.

GENJI: wont do much to me  
GENJI: my arms come off

WINSTON: If anyone needs me, I'll be locked in my lab, regretting every life decision I've made up to this point.

MERCY: I would join you, but unfortunately, I'm obligated to help all of them with their injuries.

WIDOWMAKER: This organization is a joke.

WINSTON: Tell me something I don't know.

SOMBRA: jack and reaper are currently making out in your common room

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Why do you know that?

SOMBRA: i hacked all your cameras  
SOMBRA: i know everything  
SOMBRA: including that junkrat is setting the bushes in the garden on fire

WINSTON: IS EVERYONE ON THIS BASE DESTRUCTIVE?

MCCREE: more or less

WINSTON: @JUNKRAT  
WINSTON: STOP! BEING! AN! IDIOT!

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

**[ROADHOG] entered chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

ROADHOG: dont get your hopes up

JUNKRAT: OI I WAS TESTING SOMETHING

WINSTON: STOP!

JUNKRAT: OKAY FINE  
JUNKRAT: PARTY POOPER

MERCY: I officially hate Overwatch.

REAPER: **You and I both.**

MCCREE: go kiss your boyfriend and fuck off

REAPER: **He's not my boyfriend.**

REINHARDT: I can't believe that you continue to deny this.

REAPER: **Fuck you.**

LUCIO: mercy seriously i think im dying

MERCY: Don't get my hopes up.

GENJI: fucking ouch

MERCY: I need a vacation.

MCCREE: no you dont  
MCCREE: you remember the last time

MERCY: I didn't say any of you were invited.

D.VA: youd miss us

MERCY: No I wouldn't.

GENJI: lies

MERCY: Truths.

LUCIO: srsly im dying

ZENYATTA: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] disconnected from chatroom [HANA TOTALLY LIKES SOMBRA]**

MCCREE: poor hanzo

TRACER: he doesnt deserve this

GENJI: yes he does


	12. the savage debate

LUCIO: its definitely ana

D.VA: no way

TRACER: it has to be  
TRACER: who else would it be?

D.VA: i cant just name one  
D.VA: theres too many good options

LUCIO: it can literally only be ana or maybe reinhardt

D.VA: i think mccree fits the bill

TRACER: i guess  
TRACER: but not as much as ana does

LUCIO: we could also mention genji  
LUCIO: ya know since he makes a living by personally attacking hanzo

SOMBRA: what are we talking about?

LUCIO: were discussing who the biggest savage in overwatch is

TRACER: i think its ana

D.VA: no shes definitely close but not the biggest

LUCIO: who in this chat is a bigger savage than ana?

D.VA: mccree  
D.VA: hes subtle but effective

LUCIO: ive literally only heard him roast jack that one time and that was it

D.VA: but it was the best roast ever

TRACER: debatable

SOMBRA: tbh i think i agree with hana

LUCIO: you literally only agree because you like her

SOMBRA: untrue

TRACER: its pretty true!

D.VA: <3

SOMBRA: <3

LUCIO: gay

SOMBRA: dont make me do it

LUCIO: im sorry if i offended you

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

76: What are you all doing?

SOMBRA: cock fighting

LUCIO: lmao

76: That's against protocol.

D.VA: omg shes joking

76: ...Oh.  
76: Well, stop anyway.

TRACER: we should ask him!

D.VA: lol no hed just yell at us for being children again

76: Ask me what?

SOMBRA: cmon it cant hurt

LUCIO: speak for yourself  
LUCIO: he doesnt make you run laps when you accidentally hit junkrat with mashed potatoes

76: I literally saw you pick it up and throw it at him...

LUCIO: no you didnt

76: I did though...

LUCIO: fine just ask him

TRACER: jack whos the biggest savage on the team?

76: ...  
76: Seriously?

D.VA: told you he wouldnt like it

SOMBRA: why does he have to be such a fun sponge?

TRACER: jack either contribute to the conversation or leave luv!

76: I didn't even want to be a part of this conversation to begin with.

LUCIO: so leave

76: It's Ana, by the way.

LUCIO: I FUCKING TOLD YOU!

D.VA: i still disagree

TRACER: how can you still disagree?  
TRACER: the fun nazi even said so!

76: I'm not a fun nazi.

SOMBRA: if you really want to do this, i can bring up every single incident where you yelled at everyone for doing something fun

76: How would you even have access to that stuff?

SOMBRA: uh hello?  
SOMBRA: i have access to everything?

76: ...How many incidents are there?

SOMBRA: 342  
SOMBRA: and thats just from the last two weeks

76: Fine, you win.

D.VA: i still think its mccree

TRACER: well youre wrong!

LUCIO: yeah really if jack says ana then you know its ana

JUNKRAT: I THINK ITS ANA TOO!

D.VA: how long have you been here?

JUNKRAT: I NEVER LEFT I JUST DIDNT FEEL LIKE SAYING NOTHING UNTIL NOW!

76: I've known Ana for twenty years.  
76: Her official title was Second in Command of Overwatch.  
76: But her job was to destroy everybody's confidence.

D.VA: here lets ask the old farts  
D.VA: @REINHARDT @REAPER @MERCY

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

REAPER: **What?**

MERCY: Please don't tell me that someone's hurt.  
MERCY: Again.

D.VA: no everyones fine

JUNKRAT: WELL IM STILL MISSING A LEG

76: Shut up, Junkrat.

JUNKRAT: LOL!

SOMBRA: we just had a question

REINHARDT: Ask away!

LUCIO: whos the biggest savage in overwatch?

MERCY: Is this really how you all spend your time?

TRACER: pretty much!

REINHARDT: It's Ana.

REAPER: **Yeah it's Ana.**

LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: BOOM

D.VA: im standing by my choice

TRACER: have fun being wrong!

LUCIO: come on even edgelord jr admitted it  
LUCIO: why cant you just accept facts?

REAPER: **Stop calling me that.**

LUCIO: sure thing gabe

REAPER: **I can and will kill you.**

GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

HANZO: _GENJI..._

SOMBRA: wait have you been here this entire time?

GENJI: just about

D.VA: so what do you think?

GENJI: its def between ana and jesse  
GENJI: but just based off past experiences im gonna have to say ana

MERCY: I think I'm on Hana's side here.  
MERCY: Jesse doesn't do it often, but when he does, it's very effective.

D.VA: HA

GENJI: okay thats one person hip hip fucking hooray

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

MCCREE: this chat is awful lively today

SOMBRA: its lively most of the time

MCCREE: anything important come up

LUCIO: not really  
LUCIO: just boring stuff

MCCREE: shame

SOMBRA: i think the general consensus is ana  
SOMBRA: unfortunately

76: I still can't believe you're discussing this.

D.VA: i still cant believe that youre still here

MCCREE: i still cant believe that you prefer the bottom

LUCIO: okay maybe i judged a little too quickly

REINHARDT: Oh my heavens that image.

D.VA: I TOLD ALL OF YOU LOL

TRACER: GUYS IM DYING

HANZO: _GENJI, IF YOU DO IT I'LL FINISH THE JOB!_

JUNKRAT: DONT WORRY MATE IM IN THE KITCHEN WITH HIM!  
JUNKRAT: HES LAUGHING TOO HARD TO RESPOND!

76: _Will you stop eavesdropping on my conversations?_

MCCREE: i aint eavesdropping you just talk way too damn loud

REAPER: **I didn't come here to be insulted.**

SOMBRA: whos insulting you?  
SOMBRA: were literally saying that youre the dominant one

76: I JUST WANT THE BOTTOM CAUSE I'M LAZY!

LUCIO: youre really not helping your own cause here

REINHARDT: Can we please stop discussing this?

D.VA: we just started tho

REINHARDT: _That's the point..._

LUCIO: aight hana i guess you had a point

D.VA: i told you  
D.VA: subtle but effective

MCCREE: a point about what?

LUCIO: we were discussing who was a bigger savage between you and ana

D.VA: i voted for you

SOMBRA: me too

MCCREE: well ill be damned

LUCIO: everyone else said ana tho

MCCREE: i dont have a problem with being ranked second to ana  
MCCREE: that woman is a legend

TRACER: i wish liao was still here :(  
TRACER: he was arguably the most savage one ever

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

WINSTON: Everyone, we have a mission in fifteen minutes.

LUCIO: this isnt the time were having a very important debate

WINSTON: I have a very hard time believing that.

D.VA: would you believe that jacks the submissive one?

WINSTON: ...Um?

76: I'll kill you.

GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: _**OH MY FUCKING GOD!**_

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

LUCIO: yeah nvm genjis the savage

TRACER: i think we can all agree on that

SOMBRA: hes in the practice range shooting at pictures of genji

GENJI: at least he can kill those

D.VA: I CANT STOP LAUGHING

WINSTON: Please just be ready.

______________________________________

76: I can't believe any of you.

MCCREE: i was hungry

76: _We were in the middle of a mission!_

MCCREE: and it still went off without a hitch

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

MEI: I will take partial responsibility for this, Jack.  
MEI: I was hungry as well.

76: I expect better from you, Mei.

MEI: I apologize for causing so much trouble.

LUCIO: dont apologize

GENJI: yeah really now we have pizza

MERCY: Do you people eat anything but pizza?

TRACER: not really!

MCCREE: dont complain i got enough for everyone

PHARAH: How did you even afford all that?

TRACER: we were gonna use winstons card again!

WINSTON: Will you stop using my money?

MCCREE: we did  
MCCREE: we ended up getting it for free anyway

REINHARDT: How?

MCCREE: i mightve held the guy at gun point

WINSTON: _Jesse..._

MEI: I told you not to!

MCCREE: i got a bounty on my head anyway  
MCCREE: might as well use that to my advantage

WINSTON: _Why are all of you like this?_

MCCREE: shut up i got you one too  
MCCREE: that disgusting peanut butter covered one you like so much

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Don't think I'm going to just ignore this.

MCCREE: i dont expect you to

MERCY: You got pizza for everyone?

MCCREE: yup  
MCCREE: a lot of yall have disgusting tastes

76: Just because you hate anchovies doesn't make them disgusting.

MCCREE: 95% of the earths population would disagree with you

GENJI: did u get mushrooms on mine

MCCREE: begrudgingly

PHARAH: Genji, how can you even eat that?

GENJI: carefully

D.VA: im getting hungry just thinking about it

MCCREE: lucio and i are on our way back  
MCCREE: contain yourselves

MEI: Please hurry.

REAPER: **I want some.**

MCCREE: too fucking bad youre not invited

REAPER: **Why not?**

MCCREE: cause i said so and because i went through all the trouble of getting this pizza

REAPER: **That's unnecessarily cruel.**

MCCREE: so is causing the downfall of overwatch because you and jack were having a dick measuring contest

LUCIO: yeah okay mccrees the biggest savage on base

76: I thought this argument was over.

D.VA: nothing is ever over with us

MERCY: Truer words have never been spoken.

__________________________

JUNKRAT: ROADIE WE GOT YOU SOME PIZZA TOO

ROADHOG: ...  
ROADHOG: what is that?

JUNKRAT: OH FUCK WAIT

_____________________________

ROADHOG: DO YOU THINK YOURE FUNNY?

JUNKRAT: MATE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

ROADHOG: SAY. BACON. ONE. MORE. TIME.

JUNKRAT: GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT HOOK YA CRAZY GIT

______________________________

MERCY: @ROADHOG  
MERCY: I understand your frustration, but please.  
MERCY: Next time show a little more restraint.

ROADHOG: ...  
ROADHOG: okay doc

JUNKRAT: THIS BLOODY OAF ALMOST KILLED ME!

MERCY: Based on the circumstances, I'd say you got off easy.

JUNKRAT: WHY R YOU ALWAYS TAKIN HIS SIDE?

MERCY: _Because he doesn't end up in the medical wing every week for blowing himself up..._

JUNKRAT: WHO DOES THAT?  
JUNKRAT: R YOU SAYING I DO THAT?

MERCY: _Don't make me get the file._

JUNKRAT: NOT THE FILE!

_____________________________

GENJI: master with all due respect  
GENJI: why did u get pizza?  
GENJI: u dont even eat it

ZENYATTA: I requested that Jesse buy me a regular cheese pizza just in case someone wasn't satisfied with their own order.

D.VA: thats so nice

ZENYATTA: And I replaced the tomato sauce with Nuclear Inferno hot sauce so I could get a few laughs myself.

LUCIO: fucking savage

GENJI: please give a slice to jack

ZENYATTA: I unfortunately have no control over who takes a slice.

MCCREE: please give a slice to jack anyway

ZENYATTA: I will do what I can.

D.VA: lol i love having you here zenyatta

ZENYATTA: I enjoy being here as well.

TRACER: GUYS JACK RAN OUT OF PIZZA!

GENJI: this is the moment

LUCIO: OMG HES WALKING OVER TO ZENYATTA

ZENYATTA: I have spent many years preparing for this encounter.

MCCREE: i might not make it  
MCCREE: i think im gonna die if it works

D.VA: HES GRABBING A SLICE

TRACER: SOMEONE GET THIS ON CAMERA PLS

__________________________________

76: _I thought I could trust you, Zenyatta._

ZENYATTA: This is what happens when you lie to me, Morrison.

WINSTON: The five of them have even corrupted Zenyatta.

MERCY: Is anyone safe anymore?

D.VA: lol no

__________________________________

LUCIO: i cant move

MCCREE: amateur

LUCIO: i ate like three boxes wtf do you mean?

MCCREE: thats weak  
MCCREE: ive only eaten five

LUCIO: only?

MCCREE: you wouldnt have lasted during the golden days

REINHARDT: You really wouldn't have.  
REINHARDT: We would eat ten boxes of pizza a night.  
REINHARDT: Each.

LUCIO: jesus fuck  
LUCIO: even lena?

ANA: Especially lena  
ANA: I dont even know where all that pizza went

GENJI: i saw her polish off twelve boxes in like twenty minutes

D.VA: that must have been horrifying

GENJI: i still have nightmares of that  
GENJI: that and another incident  
GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: _I'M TRYING TO ENJOY MY PIZZA FUCK YOU!_

_______________________________

SOMBRA: @WIDOWMAKER  
SOMBRA: pass me that last slice

WIDOWMAKER: How can you eat pizza like that?

SOMBRA: because i have taste buds?

WIDOWMAKER: Chorizo and Peppers?

SOMBRA: its better than onions and garlic  
SOMBRA: seriously i thought vampires couldnt even come in contact with that stuff

WIDOWMAKER: _Ferme ta bouche._

SOMBRA: no

REAPER: **What are you two doing?**

SOMBRA: eating pizza

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **They invited you?**

WIDOWMAKER: _Oui._

REAPER: **WHY DID THEY INVITE YOU AND NOT ME?**

SOMBRA: cause youre boring

REAPER: **AND WIDOWMAKER'S NOT?**

WIDOWMAKER: They've grown fond me.  
WIDOWMAKER: Even I'm unsure how.

REAPER: **We're supposed to be destroying them.**

SOMBRA: we cant destroy them they invited us for pizza  
SOMBRA: thatd be rude

REAPER: **I can't believe you.**

SOMBRA: deal with it

REAPER: **Widowmaker, destroy them.**

WIDOWMAKER: I'm trying to eat my pizza.

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Can you at least save me a slice?**

SOMBRA: lol no

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!**

_______________________________

  
**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

76: Do you want me to save you a slice?

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Please.**  
REAPER: **Just get rid of the anchovies.**

76: You're so whiny.

REAPER: **JACK I SWEAR!**

76: Be thankful I'm giving you anything at all.

REAPER: **I just want a slice.**

76: I'll leave it on the porch.  
76: You're close by, right?

REAPER: **Yeah.**  
REAPER: **...Thanks.**

____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

REAPER: **YOU SON OF A BITCH!**

76: Just eat it.  
76: Anchovies are good.

REAPER: **ANCHOVIES COULD NOT BE MORE DISGUSTING!**

76: THIS IS THE THANKS I GET FOR SAVING YOU A SLICE?

REAPER: **FUCK YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE TASTES!**

76: DOES THAT INCLUDE YOU, TOO?

REAPER:  **WHEN OVERWATCH FALLS, YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO DIE!**

76: BRING IT!

__________________________

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

SYMMETRA: Do I want to ask?

MCCREE: not really

LUCIO: yeah no you really dont

WINSTON: _I told you not to let the two of them get soda..._

MCCREE: i evidentally suck at persuasion

REINHARDT: I get the feeling that you didn't even try.

MCCREE: i really didnt

WINSTON: You're cleaning up the mess.

MCCREE: like hell i am

SYMMETRA: Jesse, what did you do?

MCCREE: i seriously did nothing

GENJI: yeah its really not his fault

76: What the hell is going on?

LUCIO: hana and tracer drank too much soda

76: _We told you not to let them get soda..._

MCCREE: yall are like broken records  
MCCREE: i had no control over the situation

MERCY: I'm not dealing with this right now.  
MERCY: I'm going to enjoy my pizza dinner date with my girlfriend.

GENJI: gay

REINHARDT: So gay.

ANA: Dont do anything that u might regret

MERCY: Ana, with all due respect.  
MERCY: Who exactly do you think I am?  
MERCY: Jesse?

MCCREE: ouch

ANA: I didnt imply anything  
ANA: I think ur good for fareeha  
ANA: just remember  
ANA: if u do anything wrong  
ANA: I will not hesitate to shoot u

PHARAH: MOM!

ANA: Enjoy ur dinner sweetie!

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

MEI: I managed to stop the two of them.

76: Please don't tell me that you froze the base.

MEI: Of course not.  
MEI: I only froze the south end of the base.

MCCREE: but thats where my room is

MEI: You'll survive a few hours without access to your bedroom.

WINSTON: Mei, has there been any damage done to the Watchpoint?

MEI: Not at all.  
MEI: Lena and Hana will probably need to visit the medical wing afterwards to warm up.  
MEI: But that's about it.

MERCY: Still not helping.

REINHARDT: Can't blame you.

WINSTON: Please just keep the damage to a minimum.

MEI: Will do.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

HANZO: Is there a reason why the door to the Practice Range is frozen shut?

MEI: Sorry.

HANZO: Why can none of you act like intelligent human beings?

WINSTON: Well, I'm a Gorilla.

HANZO: And your IQ is probably higher than every human's on this base.  
HANZO: Except for probably Satya and Dr. Ziegler.

ANA: Wow rude

HANZO: Tell me that I"m wrong.

LUCIO: your wrong

HANZO: *you're

GENJI: HANZO  
GENJI: DONT FUCKING DO THIS

HANZO: *Don't

GENJI: OMG

MCCREE: youre not actually going grammer nazi on us

HANZO: *Grammar

MCCREE: STOP!

HANZO: You did this to yourself.

GENJI: hanzo ur being an asshole

HANZO: *You're  
HANZO: And you are correct.

GENJI: stop doing what ur doing

HANZO: *You're.

GENJI: fine  
GENJI: if i find you, i'm going to hunt you down and break _you're_ neck

HANZO: *Your

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

HANZO: Now all your murder jokes don't seem so funny, do they?

SYMMETRA: I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.

MEI: I'll admit, I'm laughing.

HANZO: He deserves it.

MCCREE: grammar nazism is never funny

HANZO: It is when it bothers Genji this much.

LUCIO: hanzo your so mean

HANZO: *You're.

LUCIO: OMFG FUCK U!

HANZO: *You.

**[LUCIO] left chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

MERCY: Wow, he eliminated Genji and Lucio in five minutes.  
MERCY: Well played, Hanzo.

HANZO: Had I known that this would cause such a stir, I would have done it ages ago.

MCCREE: ive honestly never seen genji so upset over something

HANZO: *I've

MCCREE: its not gonna work robin hood find something else

HANZO: It was worth a shot.

MCCREE: no it wasnt  
MCCREE: why are you even doing this?

HANZO: The door to the practice range is frozen shut.  
HANZO: I don't have many more things to do in order to keep myself busy.

MEI: It'll be fixed soon Hanzo, I promise.

HANZO: Thank you, Dr. Zhou.

WINSTON: Next time Jesse, don't let them have any soda.

76: Stop being so irresponsible.

MCCREE: could yall not blame me for something I had no control over?

HANZO: "Y'all" is not a word.

MCCREE: hey hanzo  
MCCREE: if yaint from the south, you wouldnt understand

HANZO: "Y'aint" is also not a word

MCCREE: just stop

REINHARDT: Jesse, you're outnumbered in this debate.

MCCREE: i aint even gonna debate it

HANZO: "Aint" is not a word.

MCCREE: shut the fuck up

ANA: rip

MCCREE: fucking shut up

76: rip

REINHARDT: rip

PHARAH: rip

MCCREE: and im the immature one?

76: Yes.

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: i dont like any of yall

HANZO: Still not a word.

MCCREE: FUCK YOU!

______________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: did you really need to do that?

MEI: I didn't have a choice.  
MEI: I was afraid that you would hurt yourself or damage the building if I didn't stop you.

HANA: im so cold mei

MEI: Temporary side effect.

HANA: youre the worst

MEI: In time, I'm sure you'll come to thank me.

HANA: prob not

MEI: We'll see.

HANA: i cant feel my fingers

MEI: Then stop texting.  
MEI: :)

HANA: ...  
HANA: im scared

MEI: You should be.

HANA: i just wanted to enjoy my pizza

_______________________________

TRACER: hey jesse you got a sec?

MCCREE: actually i have a lot of secs

LUCIO: LMAO

D.VA: YES LOL

TRACER: i just completely lost my train of thought

MCCREE: im glad we could have this conversation

LUCIO: im glad i was here to witness it

SOMBRA: the more i spend time with all of you, the more i want to just dump talon and come join overwatch

LUCIO: do it

GENJI: yeah really ur already cooler than jack

SOMBRA: that doesnt really seem to be hard

MCCREE: its not  
MCCREE: but the five of us like you and thats all that really matters

LUCIO: yeah we kinda make the big decisions around here

WINSTON: No you don't.

D.VA: quiet

MCCREE: eat your pizza

WINSTON: I did.

LUCIO: then go away

SOMBRA: honestly i like winston  
SOMBRA: hes like the only cool authority figure you have

TRACER: reinhardt

GENJI: ana

LUCIO: honestly everyones cool except jack and to a lesser extent hanzo

D.VA: hanzos still pretty cool tho

GENJI: not if he tried to kill u

HANZO: _Shut up._

SOMBRA: lol

REAPER: **CAN I PLEASE HAVE A SLICE OF PIZZA?**

D.VA: NO

REAPER: **OVERWATCH WILL BURN!**

MCCREE: were not afraid of you anymore

LUCIO: yeah i saw that photo of you and jack wearing matching christmas sweaters

REAPER: **...**

**[REAPER] left chatroom [MOIST AND UNSTABLE]**

TRACER: im crying

MCCREE: so is reyes  
MCCREE: probably

SOMBRA: he is

GENJI: lol


	13. # of days without an incident: 0

LUCIO: i dont want to alarm anyone  
LUCIO: but i think we have a problem

GENJI: yeah no we def have a problem

WINSTON: _Why is it impossible for me to leave all of you alone for ten minutes?_

D.VA: you have no one to blame but yourself

MCCREE: how were we sposed to know this was gonna happen?

WINSTON: What did the five of you do?

TRACER: six!

WINSTON: Six?

LUCIO: yeah zarya helped

ZARYA: No I did not.

GENJI: it was ur idea

ZARYA: I did not tell all of you to try it.

D.VA: well we did so its your fault

ZARYA: I will crush you, puny child.

D.VA: fight me n00b

WINSTON: _What did you do?_

MCCREE: it aint nothing bad

WINSTON: I have a very hard time believing that.

GENJI: i think we broke the very laws of physics

WINSTON: _...How?_

D.VA: ask zarya

ZARYA: I had nothing to do with this.

LUCIO: it was still your idea

ZARYA: Exactly.  
ZARYA: It was just an idea.  
ZARYA: No one told you to try it out.

MCCREE: yeah we aint very good listeners

D.VA: blame her for putting the idea in our heads

WINSTON: What. Did. You. Do?

GENJI: okay  
GENJI: but you cant be mad at us

WINSTON: Tell me right now.

TRACER: somehow we turned training room d into a zero gravity chamber!

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: How?

MCCREE: i dont rightly know  
MCCREE: but then again i failed science

GENJI: u didnt even go to school

MCCREE: i probably would have failed anyway

LUCIO: this is actually really cool

WINSTON: _But how did you do it?_

D.VA: if i knew i would tell you

TRACER: yeah it just kinda happened!

WINSTON: Something like that doesn't "just happen."

LUCIO: once again blame zarya

ZARYA: I refuse to be held responsible for stupidity.

D.VA: well were holding you responsible anyway

ZARYA: I can very easily squash you, little girl.

LUCIO: @EVERYONE  
LUCIO: this is seriously the coolest thing ever come join

**[attached image: iminspacelol.png]**

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

HANZO: I'm trying to train.

GENJI: when arent u training?

HANZO: Fuck you.

ANA: I need to see this

LUCIO: be careful  
LUCIO: i think if you open the door the universe will just collapse in on itself

SOMBRA: i can see all of you on camera  
SOMBRA: i really wish i was there

D.VA: i wish you were <3

SOMBRA: <3

LUCIO: stop being gay

D.VA: no

76: What is wrong with all of you?

MCCREE: more than we care to admit

ANA: yeah really

MEI: That does look like fun.  
MEI: I'm really busy, unfortunately.

D.VA: boring

76: How did you even manage that?

GENJI: we literally have no idea

LUCIO: blame zarya

ZARYA: Don't blame Zarya.  
ZARYA: Otherwise she will snap you like twig.

WINSTON: The more time all of you spend here, the more I wish I never initiated the recall.

D.VA: you love us

76: No we don't.

LUCIO: dont lie

ANA: I love you guys

TRACER: yay thanks ana!

WINSTON: If anyone needs me, I'll be in my lab.  
WINSTON: I'm not dealing with this right now.

MERCY: _Why are all of you doing this at three in the morning?_

MCCREE: cause

ANA: Is it really that early?

MERCY: _YES..._

GENJI: wait winston dont leave we actually have a problem

WINSTON: _What?_

LUCIO: we dont know how to turn it off...

WINSTON: _HOW DID YOU EVEN TURN IT ON?_

D.VA: currently unknown still investigating

76: It really is amazing that you're all so incompetant but still manage to do things like this.

MCCREE: were a special breed of hero

76: You're a special breed alright.

ZARYA: A special breed of stupid.

ANA: Stupid might be too generous of a word

TRACER: mean

LUCIO: _guys really we dont know how to turn it off_  
LUCIO: _weve been floating for over an hour_

HANZO: You just said it was fun.

LUCIO: it is

D.VA: but when youve been doing it for that long it kinda just gets annoying

MEI: How do the five of you even manage to pull this stuff off?

GENJI: with precision

MCCREE: we have a gift for causing problems

HANZO: The truth has been spoken.

TRACER: can anyone help us?  
TRACER: really im getting nauseous

HANZO: Not my problem.

MEI: Sorry, I'm not familiar with this kind of thing.

ANA: Lol no

76: It's too early in the morning for this.

GENJI: im honestly surprised any of u were up

ZARYA: It is best to get to the gym bright and early.

LUCIO: why tho?  
LUCIO: the gyms on base  
LUCIO: and the only people who use it besides you are reinhardt and fareeha

ZARYA: Do not question my routine, child.

LUCIO: youre seriously only like two years older than me

ZARYA: Not in maturity.

LUCIO: fair

D.VA: guys really i think im losing brain cells

HANZO: How much more could you possibly lose?

ANA: Rekted

MERCY: _All of you, go to bed!_

MCCREE: oh id fuckin love to  
MCCREE: if only i wasnt experiencing zero gravity

WINSTON: I'm not helping you.  
WINSTON: You caused this, now figure out how to stop it.

GENJI: but we cant

TRACER: yeah really were not that smart!

HANZO: Obviously.

GENJI: shut up

D.VA: it was zaryas idea!

ZARYA: And now my idea is to remain in gym while you struggle to free yourselves.

LUCIO: pls we need help

MCCREE: hold on what does this button do

WINSTON: _Don't push the button!_

MCCREE: im pushing the button

_________________________________

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

REINHARDT: My friends...  
REINHARDT: What have you done?

LUCIO: we asked for help

GENJI: like five times

D.VA: this is your fault

TRACER: has anyone seen jesse?

MCCREE: im okay  
MCCREE: just got blasted into the woods but im good

WINSTON: _I TOLD YOU NOT TO PRESS THE BUTTON!_

MCCREE: and we told you that we needed help

GENJI: like five times

76: We're going to have a very stern talk when you all make your way back here.

ANA: Lol i love all of you

PHARAH: What is wrong with you?

LUCIO: how were we supposed to know what it did?

WINSTON: _You've all trained in that room at least once._

D.VA: so we forgot  
D.VA: sue us

76: You're lucky that there wasn't any damage otherwise we would.

MCCREE: idk how there was no damage  
MCCREE: we blew the room up

HANZO: It's part of the simulation.  
HANZO: I have no real idea how you managed to get ejected through the windows though.

LUCIO: at least the zero gravity stopped

ANA: I still have no idea how you managed to turn that on

D.VA: neither do we

WINSTON: I want every single one of you in the common room once you get back here.

TRACER: were all here!  
TRACER: except for jesse

MCCREE: im on my way back  
MCCREE: somehow i caught the force of that explosion

HANZO: It wasn't an explosion.  
HANZO: It was just pressurized air used to simulate an explosion.

GENJI: nerd

HANZO: Shut up.

MCCREE: well whatever it was it blew me into the woods outside the base

76: How?

MCCREE: fuck if i know  
MCCREE: i just know it was fun as fuck

MERCY: I'm not helping if you're hurt.

MCCREE: youre obligated to help me  
MCCREE: its part of being a doctor

MERCY: I'm also not obligated to save your life if something were to happen to you.

LUCIO: ouch

D.VA: that could technically be taken as a threat

MERCY: _It was._

MCCREE: angela what have i ever done that would justify treatin me like this?

MERCY: Exist.

LUCIO: fucking ouch

MCCREE: well

SOMBRA: dont insult jesse hes my friend

MERCY: Sombra, it's four in the morning.  
MERCY: I apologize if I'm a little less than thrilled.

SOMBRA: aight thats fair

REINHARDT: Does anyone in this base actually sleep anymore?

MERCY: I was trying to.

PHARAH: Me too.

GENJI: we all know what u two were doing

PHARAH: Shut your mouth.

MEI: Junkrat's asleep.  
MEI: Astonishingly.

SOMBRA: is that omnic sleeping or am i just crazy?

GENJI: master enters rest mode.  
GENJI: even he needs some time off

SOMBRA: understandable

WINSTON: All of you in the common room.  
WINSTON: _Now!_

MCCREE: im walkin as fast as i can

ANA: Better hurry  
ANA: Theres bears in those woods

MCCREE: youre lying

ANA: Maybe i am  
ANA: Maybe im not  
ANA: Do u wanna find out?

D.VA: mccree i dont think shes lying

MCCREE: no seriously stop  
MCCREE: somethings moving  
MCCREE: i would never admit that im scared  
MCCREE: but im scared

LUCIO: rip mccree

MCCREE: god i hope its a bear  
MCCREE: end my suffering

ANA: Im not helping

76: Me either.

MCCREE: FUCK THERES SOMETHING COMING

______________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT?

MAKO: ...  
MAKO: i was looking for flowers

JESSE: ...  
JESSE: FLOWERS?

MAKO: i dont need to tell you my business

JESSE: YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!

MAKO: sorry?

JESSE: ...  
JESSE: be my backup for when winston tries to kill me and consider the apology accepted

MAKO: ...  
MAKO: fine

______________________________

D.VA: that went well

TRACER: he didnt even yell at us

LUCIO: thanks @ROADHOG

ROADHOG: dont mention it  
ROADHOG: really  
ROADHOG: dont talk about it again

MCCREE: your apology has been accepted

ROADHOG: can i go back to my flower hunt now?

MCCREE: ...if you want

**[ROADHOG] left chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

LUCIO: flower hunt?

MCCREE: he was in the woods looking for flowers idk why

GENJI: he has to deal with junkrat all the time  
GENJI: doesnt shock me that hes trying to find ways to occupy his time

JUNKRAT: OI IM NOT THAT BAD MATE

TRACER: youre pretty bad luv!

D.VA: you blew up the microwave by making popcorn

JUNKRAT: YA WOULDNT UNDERSTAND

MCCREE: i dont think anyone besides you understands

JUNKRAT: POPCORN IS ONLY GOOD WHEN ITS BURNT

LUCIO: i can come up with about twenty different reasons why youre wrong

JUNKRAT: I LIKE THE WAY IT TASTES

D.VA: this is prob why roadhog is picking flowers

JUNKRAT: I DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE

TRACER: those words get tossed around way too much

GENJI: accidents happen

MCCREE: they happen a little too frequently here but i get what youre saying

MERCY: _All of you need to go to sleep._

D.VA: fight me bird mom

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] went idle**

GENJI: hana no

LUCIO: i would run if i were you

D.VA: lmao im not scared of her

_______________________________

D.VA: I TAKE IT BACK  
D.VA: IM VERY SCARED OF HER

MERCY: _THE DOCTOR IS IN!_

LUCIO: rip hana

MCCREE: fucking stop

GENJI: @PHARAH  
GENJI: ur girlfriends murdering a small child

PHARAH: This is what happens when she doesn't sleep.  
PHARAH: I can't say that I feel bad.

TRACER: well remember you fondly luv!

________________________________

76: What the fuck happened last night?

MCCREE: i believe there was a murder

GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: **_Why is this still happening?_**

LUCIO: @PHARAH  
LUCIO: is hana dead?

PHARAH: I can't confirm or deny that.

WINSTON: _I just had a talk with all of you about this..._

TRACER: sorry i was too busy twiddling my thumbs to pay attention

WINSTON: Why do I even bother?

MCCREE: cause youre a kind hearted gorilla with clear moral principles and youre doing everything you can to instill them on us to make us better people because you care about us

LUCIO: deep af

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Thank you, Jesse.  
WINSTON: That actually makes me feel a little better.

76: I wasn't even aware that Jesse knew what half of those words meant.

MCCREE: were having a team moment here and you just fucked it up

TRACER: story of jacks life!

76: Not the time.

ANA: Theres never a wrong time to discuss your fuck ups

76: Ana...

MCCREE: remember my birthday?

76: DON'T START THIS AGAIN!

REINHARDT: That was one of the worst things I've ever seen.

PHARAH: What happened?

MCCREE: go ahead jack  
MCCREE: why dont you tell them?

76: Stop it.

ANA: Ill bet reyes remembers  
ANA: @REAPER

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [INSERT CLEVER TITLE HERE]**

REAPER: **What do you want?**

MCCREE: we have a question for ya

REAPER: **...Go on.**

REINHARDT: We're talking about how bad of a person Jack is.

ANA: So we mentioned jesses birthday from the golden days

REAPER: **That was probably the worst thing I've ever seen somebody do to someone else.**

REINHARDT: That's exactly what I said.

76: I MADE A MISTAKE!  
76: ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON!

LUCIO: no wait i wanna know what happened

PHARAH: Me too.

GENJI: i was there that night  
GENJI: i almost cried

TRACER: i did cry!

MCCREE: so its my birthday  
MCCREE: duh  
MCCREE: and everyone went out to get me a present while reyes took me on a scoutin mission

76: _Jesse, stop._

MCCREE: we get back at like 8 that night and we walk into the common room and everyone jumps out for the surprise  
MCCREE: and ill admit i was mighty surprised

GENJI: he got so surprised that he ended up punching liao in the face

REINHARDT: With his prosthetic.

LUCIO: lmao you didnt

MERCY: He did.  
MERCY: I'm the one who had to stitch Liao up afterwards.

ANA: That was a pretty nasty cut

MCCREE: i said i was sorry

ANA: And he forgave you  
ANA: Sort of

MCCREE: can i continue or are yall not done?

ANA: Go ahead

MCCREE: so were just partying and having fun and eventually reyes and reinhardt pull the presents out from under the pool table

LUCIO: you guys had a pool table?

PHARAH: I remember that!  
PHARAH: What happened to it, anyway?

ANA: Ask reinhardt

REINHARDT: _I saw a spider..._

GENJI: that spider was the size of an atom

REINHARDT: _It was still a spider..._

TRACER: he hit the table with his hammer in order to kill it!

MERCY: And he ended up breaking the table.  
MERCY: And the floor tiles.  
MERCY: And the rock the base was built over

REINHARDT: But I killed the spider!

GENJI: i loved that pool table  
GENJI: liao and i played it every night

MCCREE: ahem

GENJI: carry on

MCCREE: so i start opening all the presents and a lot of them were really cool  
MCCREE: gerard got me another hat  
MCCREE: kimiko got me a lava lamp  
MCCREE: and i think lena got me a new tv

LENA: youre welcome! :)

REAPER: **I helped you pay for that!**

TRACER: and i offered to put your name on the card and you said no so fuck off

GENJI: liao and i got u the stuffed tiger!

LUCIO: he still has that  
LUCIO: i see it in his room from time to time

MCCREE: and then we got to jacks present

ANA: I love this

76: I hate this.

MCCREE: you wanna tell the rooks what it was jack?

76: Not really, no.

LUCIO: what was it?

REINHARDT: This was so bad.

MCCREE: he got me a picture frame

LUCIO: OMG STOP

MCCREE: and then he says, "put a picture of your family up. everyone needs a reminder of where they came from."

MERCY: That was so cruel.

76: IT WAS A MISTAKE!

MCCREE: _I HAVE NO FAMILY, JACK!_  
MCCREE: _I WAS ORPHANED AT BIRTH!_

76: I'M SORRY!  
76: I WASN'T THINKING!

REAPER: **The look on the kid's face was the worst part.**

REINHARDT: He went from pure elation to inconsolable sadness in a matter of seconds.

ANA: You almost made him cry jack  
ANA: You almost made all of us cry

76: IT. WAS. A. MISTAKE.

MERCY: I almost had to prescribe him anti-depressants.

LUCIO: i still cant get over the fact that he got you a fucking picture frame

76: _I had a mission that day, too._  
76: _I didn't have time to go out and get something better._

MCCREE: youre the worst

REAPER: **You really are.**

PHARAH: A fucking picture frame?

76: S-t-o-p!

PHARAH: I got him a mug that said "BAMF" on it.  
PHARAH: I was 12 years old.

76: You weren't even there.

PHARAH: And that's why I had my mom bring it.

ANA: I paid for that mug

PHARAH: MOM!

MCCREE: its the thought that counts  
MCCREE: but jacks thoughts were the worst

76: I said I was sorry.

MCCREE: yeah that makes me feel so much better

LUCIO: hey i hate to change the topic

76: Please do.

LUCIO: do we know what happened to hana?

MERCY: ...No idea.

ANA: Shes locked in the med bay  
ANA: I mightve helped angela

GENJI: y tho?

ANA: Personal preferences

LUCIO: is she dead?

MERCY: No.  
MERCY: Just asleep.

SOMBRA: im looking at the med bay cameras  
SOMBRA: she is just asleep  
SOMBRA: and she looks so cute while shes sleeping

LUCIO: gay

SOMBRA: no shame

76: Did you sleep dart her?

ANA: Possibly

TRACER: how long is she going to be asleep?

ANA: Unknown  
ANA: Prob for a while

WINSTON: Ana, did you use the enhanced sleep dart I was working on?

ANA: I didnt admit to anything

WINSTON: _Ana, it was a prototype..._

ANA: And it works tremendously well

WINSTON: _She could be knocked out for days._

MERCY: Oops.

WINSTON: I'd just like everyone to know.  
WINSTON: Reasons like this are why I implore all of you to let Angela get some sleep when she needs it.

MCCREE: noted  
MCCREE: but probably wont be heeded

76: Your funeral.

LUCIO: ive lived a happy life

GENJI: ive already died once  
GENJI: whats the harm in dying again?  
GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: _This is why Mom and Dad didn't love you._

GENJI: ur just mad cause i was the cool son

HANZO: How's that working out for you so far?

GENJI: less than optimal  
GENJI: but still not terrible

LUCIO: okay so just confirm for me  
LUCIO: hanas not dead

ANA: Confirmed

LUCIO: okay cool

___________________________

D.VA: morning folks  
D.VA: dont worry im not dead  
D.VA: but i do need to mention  
D.VA: a fucking picture frame?

76: _I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS AGAIN!_

REINHARDT: You're still a horrible person.

ANA: For shame

MCCREE: worst birthday ever

76: Get over it.

MCCREE: no im still upset

76: Good.  
76: This is what you deserve for blackmailing me.

MCCREE: dont tempt me  
MCCREE: i still have the photos from new years

76: JESSE I SWEAR TO GOD!


	14. a wild emily appeared

D.VA: hey winston  
D.VA: i hate to be that girl  
D.VA: but i have a serious problem

WINSTON: ...What now?

D.VA: lena _kinda_ lost her communicator again

WINSTON: Why are all of you so irresponsible?

D.VA: she says it was an accident

WINSTON: _Just because it's an accident doesn't mean that it's okay!_

MCCREE: accidents are becoming a daily thing

MERCY: That's not okay.

WINSTON: I can't keep replacing communicators, Lena.  
WINSTON: We're not this rich enterprise you seem to think we are.

GENJI: u have like 100k on that card

WINSTON: WOULD YOU STOP USING MY CARD?

GENJI: hanzo spent my familys fortune i need money

HANZO: I didn't spend the money...

GENJI: lies

WINSTON: HOW DO YOU EVEN KEEP GETTING IT?

GENJI: im a ninja  
GENJI: nuff said

LUCIO: thats about as good an answer as youre gonna get

D.VA: okay srsly though how long does lena need to wait until she gets another one?

WINSTON: At this rate...  
WINSTON: Fifteen years.

D.VA: -____-

REINHARDT: Love it!

WINSTON: I have other things that need attention.  
WINSTON: I can't keep doing this for you.

D.VA: pls?

WINSTON: I'm sorry, Lena.  
WINSTON: You need to be more responsible.

**[TRACER] entered chatroom [MICKEY MOUSE FUCK HOUSE]**

76: Great.

WINSTON: I imagine that's not Lena?

D.VA: nope

TRACER: Hello?

MCCREE: not to be rude but who the fuck are you?

GENJI: yeah jesse thats the right way to go about this

TRACER: I'm Emily.  
TRACER: What is this?

LUCIO: its a PSA hotline  
LUCIO: its 4:37 PM  
LUCIO: do you know where your children are?

REINHARDT: Wow I haven't heard that in ages.

TRACER: Well, I don't have any children...

ANA: Lucky u

PHARAH: MOM!

ANA: Oh im just joking ur the best thing to ever happen to me

TRACER: I don't mean to give off a bad first impression, but a lot of these names seem familiar.

MCCREE: welp weve been found out

GENJI: yeah u got us  
GENJI: were the beatles

TRACER: ...  
TRACER: Not really what I meant.

76: Winston...

WINSTON: Emily, would you mind telling me how you came into possession of that communicator?

TRACER: I was just walking the street and I found it under a bench.  
TRACER: I honestly didn't think it worked until I picked up.

76: Winston, she could be Talon.

LUCIO: oh who cares?  
LUCIO: we already have three talon agents here already

TRACER: Talon?  
TRACER: The Terrorist Organization?

SOMBRA: terrorist is such a strong word

TRACER: It's not entirely incorrect, though.

SOMBRA: okay thats fair

WINSTON: Emily, where are you?

TRACER: London.

D.VA: lena says shell go pick up the communicator

WINSTON: No!

D.VA: why not?

WINSTON: Jack, go with her.  
WINSTON: I don't trust her to do this alone.

76: I'm getting real tired of babysitting these clowns.

LUCIO: rude

TRACER: Jack?  
TRACER: As in Jack Morrison?

76: Jack Morrison's dead.

MCCREE: soldier 76 is jack morrison

76: COULD YOU STOP TELLING EVERYONE IN THE FREE WORLD THAT?

MCCREE: im still upset over the picture frame jack

TRACER: That's where I recognize you lot from!  
TRACER: You're Overwatch, aren't you?

GENJI: no i told u were the beatles

MERCY: Genji, enough already.

WINSTON: Well, I guess the secrets out now.  
WINSTON: Just please don't tell anyone.

TRACER: I won't tell a soul!

76: Lena, get on the orca.  
76: Let's get this over with.

D.VA: shes coming

WINSTON: I feel like I'm making a terrible mistake.

MCCREE: you probably are

___________________________

**[TRACER] entered chatroom [MICKEY MOUSE FUCK HOUSE]**

**[TRACER 2] entered chatroom [MICKEY MOUSE FUCK HOUSE]**

**User [TRACER 2] changed name to [EMILY]**

WINSTON: I thought we agreed that we weren't going to keep her involved in this.

LUCIO: i dont think we did

TRACER: cmon luv let her stay!  
TRACER: shes not hurting anybody!

76: Winston, remember how you mentioned this might've been a mistake?

WINSTON: Unfortunately, I do.

76: You were right.  
76: It took maybe five minutes after Lena got the communicator back before her and Emily started making out.

GENJI: gay

TRACER: oi shes pretty leave me alone

WINSTON: This isn't actually happening.

MCCREE: remember when this chat was for emergencies only?

LUCIO: nope

EMILY: If I'm not wanted, I'll leave.  
EMILY: I wouldn't want to cause any unnecessary problems.

TRACER: no its fine you can stay!

WINSTON: If you don't mind me asking, how did you get another communicator?

TRACER: i used your card to buy another one :)

WINSTON: _WOULD YOU STOP USING MY CARD?_

D.VA: no youre like the only one who has money

WINSTON: I can't believe this.

76: Emily, for your own sake, I think you should leave.  
76: This is not a place for the innocent.

LUCIO: lets put it to a vote

76: I overrule you.

MCCREE: you said it yourself  
MCCREE: youre not our commander anymore

76: Fuck you.

JUNKRAT: SORRY TO INTERRUPT MATES BUT I ACCIDENTALLY BLEW UP MY BED CAN I GET A NEW ONE?

WINSTON: _Are you capable of not blowing everything up?_

JUNKRAT: NOPE NOT REALLY LOL

REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: LMAO

D.VA: old meme

REINHARDT: Old memes are the best memes.

D.VA: not

EMILY: Old Memes are pretty funny.

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: SHE KNOWS MEMES?

GENJI: I DIDNT THINK SHE WOULD KNOW MEMES

EMILY: You underestimate my Power.

REINHARDT: She's staying.  
REINHARDT: I don't care what anyone else says.

MCCREE: wow shes been here for ten seconds and is already cooler than jack

76: Fuck you.

MERCY: My caduceus staff is cooler than Jack.

76: Really Angela?

MERCY: Couldn't help myself, sorry.

76: Why do I deserve this from you?

REINHARDT: _FIVE YEARS!_

76: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THAT ALREADY!

MCCREE: _A PICTURE FRAME, JACK!_

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [MICKEY MOUSE FUCK HOUSE]**

EMILY: Is he okay?

LUCIO: who cares?

EMILY: Well, I do.  
EMILY: I want to make sure he's okay.

TRACER: youre so sweet!

MCCREE: hell be fine  
MCCREE: hes used to it at this point

GENJI: how is he the one who always gets bullied the hardest?

D.VA: cause he tries too hard to act like an adult when he should really be acting more like ana or reinhardt

REINHARDT: This is true.

WINSTON: I really wish you would all be just a tiny bit more mature.

LUCIO: sorry instructions unclear  
LUCIO: ended up buying a new stereo with your card instead

WINSTON: STOP USING MY CARD!

TRACER: start paying us and maybe we will!

________________________________

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [MICKEY MOUSE FUCK HOUSE]**

SYMMETRA: What is going on?

MCCREE: we were having an intelligent discussion

SYMMETRA: It certainly doesn't sound that way.

TRACER: trust me everythings fine!

SYMMETRA: I need to get some important work done.  
SYMMETRA: Could you please keep the shouting down?

LUCIO: just cause you asked nicely

SYMMETRA: Thank you.

MERCY: _What is with all the noise?_

MCCREE: genji and hana had a minor clash of opinions

REINHARDT: It certainly doesn't sound minor.

MCCREE: well it kinda erupted into a free for all

LUCIO: yeah and now theyre throwing things at each other

MERCY: _Could you stop them?_

MCCREE: sorry i aint got a death wish

WINSTON: @GENJI @D.VA  
WINSTON: Would the two of you stop acting like children?  
WINSTON: Especially you, Genji.  
WINSTON: You're 35!

GENJI: SHE STARTED IT

D.VA: NO I DIDNT

76: What are they even arguing about?

MCCREE: i honestly dont rightly know

LUCIO: i think it had something to do with cats

GENJI: CATS ARE BETTER THAN BUNNIES

D.VA: TAKE IT BACK!

76: Is this real life?

REINHARDT: Or is it just fantasy?

76: Not the time.

REINHARDT: There's never a wrong time for Queen!

MERCY: I know how to fix this.

SYMMETRA: Please do it, then.

MERCY: @ZENYATTA  
MERCY: Your student needs guidance.

GENJI: no angela what have u done?

ZENYATTA: ...

__________________________

ZENYATTA: _PASS INTO THE IRIS!_

GENJI: MASTER NO

D.VA: I THOUGHT TRANSCENDENCE WAS A GOOD THING

ZENYATTA: 

LUCIO: NO PLS IM DYING

GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [MICKEY MOUSE FUCK HOUSE]**

HANZO: _**ENOUGH OF THIS!**_

MCCREE: they aint gonna survive

REINHARDT: Actual photo of Zenyatta right now.  
REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: THE MEMES IN THIS CHAT ARE SO FUCKING GOOD OMG

WINSTON: Where in the world did you find that?

REINHARDT: Emily sent it to me.  
REINHARDT: She said she found it online.

TRACER: EMILY I <3 YOU SO MUCH

EMILY: <3

D.VA: SOMEONE HELP US

ZENYATTA: _You are your own worst enemy._

HANZO: That could not be more correct.

GENJI: SAVE ME

MCCREE: this is your own fault

_________________________

SOMBRA: what happened to them?  
SOMBRA: i dont see them on the cameras

MCCREE: the world may never know

LUCIO: zenyattas like the last guy you want to mess with

SOMBRA: im coming over there  
SOMBRA: i need to make sure hanas okay

MCCREE: suit yourself

REINHARDT: You may not like what you find.

_________________________

SOMBRA: what did you do to her?

ZENYATTA: I did nothing.

SOMBRA: youll pay for it if you hurt her omnic

ZENYATTA: I can feel you attempting to hack my body.  
ZENYATTA: It will not work.

SOMBRA: ill be the judge of that

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: hey zen where are you?

ZENYATTA: I'm meditating in the common room.  
ZENYATTA: Sombra is here as well.

JESSE: im bored outta my mind im gonna swing by

ZENYATTA: Wonderful.  
ZENYATTA: I look forward to your arrival.

___________________________

MCCREE: what is sombra doing?

ZENYATTA: I believe she is hitting herself.

SOMBRA: HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?

ZENYATTA: I have done nothing.  
ZENYATTA: You did this to yourself.

MCCREE: what the hell happened?

ZENYATTA: She tried to hack my body.  
ZENYATTA: I gave her a fair warning.

SOMBRA: HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

ZENYATTA: Embrace the Iris, my student.  
ZENYATTA: _Embrace it._

SOMBRA: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

ZENYATTA: _Embrace._

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: hes literally the last person i expected would do this

GENJI: this is your fault

HANA: no it isnt

GENJI: bunnies suck

HANA: TAKE IT BACK

GENJI: NO!

HANA: IF I WASNT LOCKED IN THE CLOSET I WOULD HIT YOU SO HARD RN

GENJI: GO AHEAD  
GENJI: IM MADE OUT OF METAL

___________________________

MCCREE: are yall done now?

GENJI: maybe

ZENYATTA: ...

GENJI: yeah were done

D.VA: he just needs to admit that bunnies are better than cats

GENJI: NEVER

D.VA: DO IT  
D.VA: I WOULDNT WANT TO BEAT YOU UP AGAIN

ZENYATTA: Hana...

D.VA: im sorry  
D.VA: btw did you fix sombra yet?

ZENYATTA: I didn't break her in the first place.

SOMBRA: idk how he did it but im better now

TRACER: dont mess with zenyatta luv!

MCCREE: yeah thats a recipe for disaster

SOMBRA: how was i supposed to know?

LUCIO: at least you know now

ZENYATTA: I hope that, in the future, you will refrain from engaging in such violent activities.

D.VA: we promise zen  
D.VA: no more shenanigans

GENJI: agreed

LUCIO: @TRACER  
LUCIO: im eating your cookies

TRACER: DONT YOU DARE

MCCREE: well that pact lasted about four seconds

GENJI: longer than the last one did

D.VA: i can hear the two of them fighting

ZENYATTA: ...  
ZENYATTA: _Experience Tranquility._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The encounter between Sombra and Zenyatta is credited to someone on the internet who's name I can't remember but just know that I'm not the one who came up with it. It's still funny though.


	15. the real reason why liao didnt answer the recall

**5-10-20XX**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

REYES: Where are you two?

GENJI: narnia

LIAO: triton  
LIAO: the largest moon of neptune

REYES: Hilarious.

LIAO: nah were actually playing pool

REYES: Why did I not guess that?

GENJI: probably because it was too obvious and u didnt think wed actually be there

REYES: Did Jesse brief the two of you on the mission?

LIAO: we have a mission?

REYES: I guess that's a no.

GENJI: yeah no we heard nothing

REYES: @JESSE  
REYES: _I asked you to do one thing._

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

MCCREE: oh you were serious?

REYES: Why in the world would you think I wasn't serious?

MCCREE: idk its probably just your personality

REYES: What's wrong with my personality?

LIAO: well if youre asking

REYES: Don't finish that sentence, Liao.

LIAO: youre so unfun

GENJI: is that a word?

LIAO: prob not

REYES: Jesse.  
REYES: Brief.  
REYES: Now!

MCCREE: liao isnt even in blackwatch why do i have to tell him?

REYES: _This is a joint operation..._  
REYES: _Overwatch and Blackwatch are working together this time._

LIAO: isnt it morrisons job to brief us?

REYES: **SILENCE!**

MCCREE: well heres whats happening  
MCCREE: were going to spain  
MCCREE: thats all i really know

REYES: _Were you not paying attention?_

MCCREE: i thought i made that painfully obvious

REYES: I'm going to rip my hair out.

GENJI: do u even have hair?

LIAO: nope  
LIAO: he wears the hat because hes growing another toe from his head

MCCREE: pls dont put that image in my brain

REYES: Oh for Christ's sake.  
REYES: We're going to Barcelona.  
REYES: We uncovered some intel and we believe that there's an Omnic cache hidden somewhere outside the city.  
REYES: Our job is to secure it.  
REYES: Insertion won't be easy.

LIAO: thats what she said

REYES: _LIAO..._

GENJI: lol

REYES: _Just be ready._

**[GABRIEL REYES] left chatroom [BOOBIES]**

LIAO: this is arguably the funniest chat name we've come up with so far

GENJI: its so stupid and thats what makes it so funny

MCCREE: i think we should get moving  
MCCREE: im pretty sure i hear morrison yelling

LIAO: hes always yelling

GENJI: we should go  
GENJI: no reason to push him further than he needs to be

______________________________

LIAO: well that went well

MCCREE: agreed

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

KIMIKO: That's not the word I would use.

MORRISON: How do the three of you even manage to pull this stuff off?

GENJI: carefully

REINHARDT: Hey, look at it this way.  
REINHARDT: At least it worked.

MORRISON: It almost didn't.  
MORRISON: The entire building almost went up in flames.

MCCREE: key word there being almost

LIAO: if its any consulation  
LIAO: i was aiming for the guard

KIMIKO: And somehow you managed to shoot the explosives?

LIAO: shit happens

MORRISON: You're lucky that no one got hurt.

GENJI: the guard got hurt

LIAO: yeah the guard got very hurt

REINHARDT: It's fine.  
REINHARDT: He was a bad guy anyway.

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

LACROIX: I guess that's a job well done?

LIAO: see gerard agrees

LACROIX: _é_

LIAO: dont start with me

MORRISON: Just get back to the ship.

MCCREE: are you mad at us commander?

MORRISON: Time will tell, Jesse.

KIMIKO: Liao please just explain one more time.

LIAO: oh for fucks sake  
LIAO: i was trying to shoot the guard  
LIAO: i guess i aligned my scope wrong and the shot went wide left  
LIAO: which coincidentally hit the explosives case next to the car  
LIAO: which then exploded  
LIAO: and destroyed the cache

REINHARDT: How badly did you mess up your scope?  
REINHARDT: That shot could not have been more off target.

LIAO: its not important

MORRISON: Our objective was to secure the cache.  
MORRISON: _Not destroy it!_

MCCREE: well its technically secured  
MCCREE: no ones gonna be able to use it again

MORRISON: Just get back to the ship.

____________________________

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

MERCY: I told you to take it easy.

MCCREE: reyes tells me that im a bad listener

MERCY: You are.

GENJI: what happened?

MCCREE: nothing really

LIAO: why are you so dumb?

MCCREE: blame reyes

REYES: I didn't teach you how to act stupid.  
REYES: You learned that on your own.

MCCREE: ouch

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

TRACER: why?

ANA: Jesse u really should know better

GENJI: what did he do?

MERCY: He sparred with a training bot.

KIMIKO: So?

MERCY: With the difficulty on max.

REINHARDT: Do you have a death wish, boy?

MCCREE: reyes dared me.

REYES: No I didn't.

MCCREE: his exact words were "dont ever fight the bot on max unless youre superhuman"

REYES: I was giving you a word of advice.

MCCREE: well i took it as a challenge

LIAO: how quickly did it fuck you?

MCCREE: within seconds  
MCCREE: i felt like i was getting hugged by reinhardt  
MCCREE: if reinhardt had super strength and claws for hands

LACROIX: Why do those things even have a difficulty that high?

ANA: Design flaw  
ANA: Torb complains about it a lot

LACROIX: Isn't he the one who made them?

ANA: Yup  
ANA: And hes still angry that he made that mistake

KIMIKO: Can't he fix it?

ANA: Torbs a very busy man

GENJI: are u okay?

MCCREE: ill live

MERCY: The bot ruined his prosthetic.

LIAO: how tho?

MCCREE: i put my arm up like a shield and it just crushed it

REINHARDT: Why do you do these things to yourself?

MCCREE: reyes issued me a challenge

REYES: No I didn't.

MORRISON: First the mission.  
MORRISON: Now this.

MCCREE: trouble seems to follow me

REYES: It doesn't follow you.  
REYES: You are trouble.

LACROIX: This organization in general just spells out trouble.

MCCREE: i cant feel my arm

MERCY: Well, it's not there so I guess I can understand that.

GENJI: lol

LIAO: wait how are you texting with one arm?

MCCREE: its very slow and painful

KIMIKO: Just like Jack and Gabe's sex life.

REYES: Under no circumstances did either of us deserve that.

LIAO: it was still pretty funny lol

___________________________

LIAO: no way

GENJI: u know its true

LIAO: i dont believe you

GENJI: go look

LIAO: ...  
LIAO: im scared tho

GENJI: stop being a baby

MCCREE: whatre yall talking about?

LIAO: genjis a liar

GENJI: im serious

MCCREE: what did he say?

LIAO: hes trying to convince me that morrison has a shrine for reyes in his closet

MCCREE: wtf

GENJI: he does

LIAO: theres no fucking way

MCCREE: didnt ana already confirm this?

LIAO: this is news to me

GENJI: go look

LIAO: fine  
LIAO: jesse come with me

MCCREE: im still recovering from losing an arm thank you

LIAO: you say that like you didnt already have a fake arm

MCCREE: shut up

GENJI: just go look

LIAO: fine  
LIAO: but if i get caught im blaming you

GENJI: i dare u not to get caught

LIAO: FUCK YOURE GOOD

_________________________

LIAO: IT WAS TRUE  
LIAO: IT WAS ALL TRUE

**[attached image: jackhasashrineofreyes.png]**

GENJI: told u

ANA: Liao  
ANA: Did u not already know this?

LIAO: NO ONE EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS TO ME!

LACROIX: After what we caught them doing in Jamaica, why are you so surprised by this?

LIAO: IDK I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

MCCREE: it kind of is

REINHARDT: Does Reyes know about this?

KIMIKO: I think everyone knows about this.

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [BOOBIES]**

LIAO: even you?

MIREMBE: Unfortunately.

MORRISON: WHY WILL NONE OF YOU STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL BUSINESS?

LIAO: i had to know if this was true or not

REYES: I actually didn't know about this.

GENJI: lol awkward

ANA: And ur thoughts?

REYES: Indifferent.

MIREMBE: Stoic as always.

MERCY: Stoic is not the word I would use.

WINSTON: Jack...  
WINSTON: Really?

MORRISON: Just stop talking about it.

MIREMBE: There's many other ways to kill time, Jack.

MORRISON: Leave me alone.

TRACER: we do this because we love you!

MCCREE: not as much as you love reyes tho

REYES: Shut your trap, kid.

ANA: Honestly this could probably be worse

LIAO: idk its pretty bad as it is

GENJI: y tho?

KIMIKO: When does the line get drawn?

MERCY: At what point do we say, "This has gone too far?"

REYES: I'm not having this discussing.

REINHARDT: Any more questions?

LIAO: yeah actually  
LIAO: and this ones been bothering me for a while

WINSTON: Liao, please don't.

LIAO: reinhardt

REINHARDT: Yes?

LIAO: are you actually that tall or are you just three people stacked on top of each other?

GENJI: lol

REINHARDT: I'm actually four people.  
REINHARDT: One adult man.  
REINHARDT: Two teenagers.  
REINHARDT: And an infant.

KIMIKO: The mystery has been solved.

LIAO: I LOVE YOU REINHARDT OMG IM DYING

REINHARDT: Glad I could be of service, my friend!

MORRISON: Wait...  
MORRISON: Is he serious?

MCCREE: oh my god morrison

MIREMBE: Obviously, he's not serious.

ANA: Did u really just ask that question?

MORRISON: I...  
MORRISON: I think I misinterpreted the conversation.

MERCY: Jack, just stop before you make it worse.

MCCREE: yeah go back to making your stupid shrines

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: They're not stupid.

GENJI: sure theyre not stupid  
GENJI: and liao didnt eat all of reinhardts meatballs

LIAO: GENJI WE WERENT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT THAT

REINHARDT: DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME?  
REINHARDT: LIAO...  
REINHARDT: YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ATE MY MEATBALLS?

LIAO: I'M SO SORRY!  
LIAO: I WAS JUST SO HUNGRY AND THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE IN THE FRIDGE!

REINHARDT: _PREPARE YOURSELF._  
REINHARDT: _BECAUSE MY REVENGE WILL BE SWIFT BUT EFFECTIVE!_

LACROIX: Don't we have rules that prevent people from stealing each other's food?

MIREMBE: Come now.  
MIREMBE: Since when does Overwatch follow their own rules?

TRACER: i follow the rules!

KIMIKO: Stop lying.

TRACER: :(

MORRISON: Why are you all so dysfunctional?

MCCREE: because you wont stop being gay

MORRISON: Those two things literally have nothing to do with each other.

GENJI: were not dysfunctional  
GENJI: were just unorthodox

LACROIX: That's probably the best word you could use in that circumstance.

MIREMBE: Unorthodox is certainly the proper term for it.

REINHARDT: _LIAO, YOU WILL BE MET WITH THE REVENGE FORCE OF ONE THOUSAND CRUSADERS!_

WINSTON: Save it for the morning.  
WINSTON: Angela will probably be in a better mood then.

MERCY: Most likely not.

REINHARDT: _MORNING IT IS!_  
REINHARDT: _PREPARE YOURSELF, LIAO!_

LIAO: winston...  
LIAO: _youre not even going to help me?_

WINSTON: I'm tired of you stealing food too, Liao.

LIAO: THAT WAS ONLY THE THIRD TIME!

WINSTON: And the first two times involved my peanut butter.  
WINSTON: You're lucky I didn't rip your arms off and shove them down your throat.

REYES: There's a simple lesson to be learned from this.  
REYES: Stop stealing everyone's fucking food.

LIAO: but i get hungry

GENJI: yeah and in the morning ur going to get dead

MCCREE: any last words?

LIAO: im sorry?

REINHARDT: TOO LATE FOR APOLOGIES!  
REINHARDT: TOMORROW, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE PAIN UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE YOU'VE EVER EXPERIENCED!

LACROIX: Liao, I would run and never look back.

ANA: Lmao ur gonna die

LIAO: FUCK!

__________________________

LIAO: it hurts

MERCY: Think happy thoughts.

LIAO: no happiness  
LIAO: only pain

MCCREE: you shouldnt have taken his meatballs

LIAO: I SAID I WAS SORRY!

MORRISON: Yeah, that really worked out well for you, didn't it?

LIAO: OW!  
LIAO: WATCH WHERE YOURE STICKING THAT THING!

ANA: Dont mind me  
ANA: Im just gonna take that completely out of context

MERCY: It's for the pain, Liao.  
MERCY: Stop fighting me.

LIAO: but it hurts!

MERCY: _That's why I'm injecting you with it..._

TRACER: the more you struggle the worse its gonna be

REYES: Deep breaths.

LIAO: I DONT DESERVE THIS!

MERCY: _Stop texting or else I'll bring Reinhardt back..._

LIAO: I WANT MY MOMMY!

________________________

LACROIX: How is he?

MERCY: He'll live.

REINHARDT: What a shame.  
REINHARDT: People have died for worse.

GENJI: hes in dreamland rn

MCCREE: yeah ana had to step in

MIREMBE: Wasn't the anesthesia enough?

ANA: Nope not really lol

WINSTON: Maybe next time he'll think twice before touching my peanut butter.

REINHARDT: Or my meatballs!

MORRISON: Or my closet.

MCCREE: and there you go  
MCCREE: jack made it weird

MORRISON: I'm contributing.

GENJI: the only place u contribute positively is the battlefield

ANA: Yeah u suck everywhere else

MORRISON: Except the bedroom.

REYES: Yeah, no.

GENJI: DEAD

ANA: rip jack

MCCREE: fucking shut up

**[JACK MORRISON] left chatroom [BOOBIES]**

KIMIKO: Savage.

LACROIX: I expect a session in marriage counseling after today.

REYES: _We're not married..._

TRACER: youre basically married!

REYES: What?  
REYES: Am I not allowed to make jokes?

ANA: Not really no

GENJI: leave the jokes to the pros

REYES: I hate all of you.

MCCREE: so leave

REYES: Don't give me any ideas.

REINHARDT: Out of general curiousity.  
REINHARDT: When do you think Liao will wake up?

MERCY: A few hours.  
MERCY: Possibly longer since we combined the anesthesia with Ana's sleep dart.

MCCREE: hes gonna be in for a rude awakening

___________________________

LIAO: WHY DID NO ONE WAKE ME UP ITS BEEN THREE DAYS?

MERCY: I'm very busy, Liao.

LIAO: IT TAKES TWO SECONDS TO WAKE SOMEONE UP!

MERCY: I didn't have two seconds to spare.

MCCREE: you better run liao

REINHARDT: _ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR NEXT LESSON, LIAO?_

LIAO: TEACH ME DADDY!

GENJI: lmao dying

REINHARDT: _I WILL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING, MY CHILD!_

ANA: Okay that can stop

MCCREE: this aint gonna end well

LACROIX: Does anything here ever end well?

REINHARDT: _SWIGGITY SWOOTY_  
REINHARDT: _I'M COMING FOR THAT BOOTY!_

TRACER: if i laugh any harder i think im going to die

MIREMBE: Looks like Liao will be joining you if you do.

LIAO: IM SO SCARED

REINHARDT: _YOU SHOULD BE!_

LIAO: PLEASE NO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Liao. Your genius will never be forgotten.


	16. enter bastion

LUCIO: STOP!

JUNKRAT: NO  
JUNKRAT: I NEED TO FIND OUT WHERE IT WENT

MCCREE: im telling you  
MCCREE: its in your room

JUNKRAT: I JUST LOOKED EVERYWHERE AND DIDNT SEE IT

TRACER: so that means you need to start blowing up parts of the base?

JUNKRAT: YES

GENJI: under no circumstances is it going to be in the walls

JUNKRAT: I NEED TO FIND IT!

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [STOP CHANGING THE WIFI PASSWORD]**

WINSTON: _What are you doing?_

JUNKRAT: LOOKING FOR MY SOCK MATE

WINSTON: ...A sock?

JUNKRAT: YEH I CANT FIND IT AND ITS NOT IN MY ROOM SO IM SEARCHING AROUND THE BASE

WINSTON: _So what's with all the noise?_

MCCREE: hes knocking down the walls with explosives

WINSTON: _Jamison..._

D.VA: we told him it was wrong

GENJI: no u didnt

LUCIO: we told him it was wrong  
LUCIO: you told him that it was probably in one of the walls and he should go blow them up

D.VA: traitors

WINSTON: Hana...

D.VA: im not apologizing for art

TRACER: this is getting a little out of hand luvs!

EMILY: Lena, are you okay?

TRACER: im tip top dont worry about me!

EMILY: <3

TRACER: <3

LUCIO: gay

MCCREE: what the hell was that?

JUNKRAT: OI MATE SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE THE WINDOW

GENJI: that didnt sound like a window

JUNKRAT: IT WAS A WINDOW  
JUNKRAT: AND THE WALL THAT SURROUNDED IT TOO

WINSTON: Jamison, please stop.

JUNKRAT: I NEED TO FIND MY SOCK!

MCCREE: im telliing you that its in your fuckin room

JUNKRAT: BUT I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR IT

LUCIO: wait youre only looking for one sock?

JUNKRAT: YUP

LUCIO: why?

D.VA: he has one leg

LUCIO: fuck  
LUCIO: thats right  
LUCIO: im sorry

JUNKRAT: ITS ALL GOOD MATE  
JUNKRAT: ...  
JUNKRAT: ITS NOT BEHIND THERE EITHER

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [STOP CHANGING THE WIFI PASSWORD]**

MERCY: _What is going on?_

GENJI: were playing twister

MERCY: _Genji..._

JUNKRAT: I CANT FIND IT

LUCIO: youll survive its just a sock

JUNKRAT: BUT IT WAS MY FAVORITE SOCK  
JUNKRAT: ME MUM GAVE IT TO ME

MCCREE: just stop blowing shit up  
MCCREE: all youre doing is making a bigger mess

JUNKRAT: BUT I NEED TO FIND IT

WINSTON: _Why are you still blowing stuff up?_

JUNKRAT: IM LOOKING

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [STOP CHANGING THE WIFI PASSWORD]**

SYMMETRA: The explosions need to stop immediately.

TRACER: tell that to junkrat!

SYMMETRA: Jamison...  
SYMMETRA: Stop this at once.

JUNKRAT: IM LOOKING FOR MY SOCK

SYMMETRA: Stop destroying the base or I will be forced to take matters into my own hands.

JUNKRAT: DONT YOU THREATEN ME

LUCIO: dude stop

D.VA: you dont know what youre dealing with

SYMMETRA: Last warning, Jamison.

JUNKRAT: BITE ME I AINT DOING NOTHING WRONG

GENJI: rip junkrat

MCCREE: SHUT THE FUCK UP

SYMMETRA: ...  
SYMMETRA: @ROADHOG  
SYMMETRA: Control your pet at once.

**[ROADHOG] entered chatroom [STOP CHANGING THE WIFI PASSWORD]**

ROADHOG: someone buzzed?

SYMMETRA: Jamison is being fairly destructive.  
SYMMETRA: Please stop him before it gets any worse.

JUNKRAT: NO WAIT

ROADHOG: ...

TRACER: you best run luv!

JUNKRAT: FUCK

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JAMISON: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

MAKO: im not supposed to be anything

JAMISON: THIS IS THE THANKS I GET FOR TAKING CARE OF US ALL THOSE YEARS?

MAKO: yes

JAMISON: WELL FINE THEN  
JAMISON: AT WHAT POINT ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE MY SIDE AGAIN?

MAKO: when youre the only living thing left on planet earth  
MAKO: and maybe not even then

JAMISON: THAT HURTS MATE

MAKO: it was supposed to

________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: what the fuck did i tell you?

JAMISON: OI SO I FORGOT TO CHECK UNDER THE BED  
JAMISON: SUE ME

JESSE: how the fuck do you forget to check under the bed?

JAMISON: IM A MAN OF MANY PROBLEMS

JESSE: too many

JAMISON: AT LEAST I HAVE IT NOW  
JAMISON: I WONT HAVE TO BLOW NOTHING UP AGAIN

JESSE: im gonna screenshot this conversation and show it to you the next time you blow something up

JAMISON: NO FAIR

__________________________

LUCIO: okay for real tho i have no idea what im doing

REINHARDT: That's become increasingly more obvious as time has gone on.

76: _Do any of you listen to the briefings?_

MCCREE: is that a serious question?

76: It was intended as one, yes.

GENJI: well the serious answer would be no

D.VA: the not serious answer would be fuck you youre not in charge

76: Absolutely unreal.

TRACER: the important thing is that were trying our best

76: I just saw you completely ignore Widowmaker and wave to her instead of shoot her.

TRACER: cmon shes not really a bad guy anymore

WIDOWMAKER: I'm just doing my job.

REAPER: **If that was true, you would have shot them when they were in your line of sight.**

WIDOWMAKER: I am not obligated to listen to you.

REAPER: _**I'm your commanding officer...**_

WIDOWMAKER: The Board of Directors would disagree.

REAPER: **I can't believe that this is actually happening.**

D.VA: why do we even go on missions anymore?

LUCIO: yeah really its not even like talons hurting anybody anymore

SOMBRA: theres too much infighting

REAPER: **No there isn't.**

SOMBRA: dont lie to yourself

MCCREE: what youre doing right now is basically proving that

REAPER: **Shut up.**

76: _Can we focus on the mission?_

D.VA: can you stop being such a dad?

76: _Can you stop acting like such a fucking child your entire life?_

**[D.VA] left chatroom [STOP CHANGING THE WIFI PASSWORD]**

GENJI: oh no he used the c word

MCCREE: she doesnt like the c word

SOMBRA: stop bullying my girlfriend

REAPER: **You're dating the enemy?**

WIDOWMAKER: You are in no position to talk, Edgelord.

REAPER: **Stop calling me that!**

WIDOWMAKER: _Non._

MEI: Has anyone seen Dr. Ziegler or Fareeha?

LUCIO: i could probably give you a guess where they went

76: For fuck's sake.

MEI: Is this what missions have become?  
MEI: Just excuses for all of you to sneak off and be with your significant others?

GENJI: pretty much

MCCREE: hey at least the rest of us are helping

REINHARDT: That is not the word I would use.

LUCIO: im doing the best i can

ANA: Ur literally just riding up the walls to see how high u can get before u fall

LUCIO: this is what happens when im not given an assignment

76: _You **were** given an assignment..._

LUCIO: i dont remember having this conversation

EMILY: Are you supposed to be texting during a mission?

MCCREE: not really no

GENJI: its okay we multitask well

REAPER: **I saw you cry once because you couldn't fill out a mission statement while watching TV.**

GENJI: i was very tired that night

MCCREE: can you even sleep?

GENJI: yes  
GENJI: very well

HANZO: When we were children, he didn't wake up when our father slaughtered a few of his enemies outside our room.

GENJI: i still dont believe that happened

HANZO: Of course you don't.  
HANZO: You somehow slept through it.

GENJI: it couldnt have been that loud

HANZO: They had guns, Genji.  
HANZO: Loud guns.

GENJI: clearly not loud enough

76: I hate to interrupt this highly unimportant conversation, but we're kind of in the middle of something right now.

GENJI: yeah it was a conversation about our childhood that u so rudely interrupted

76: There are more important things at risk here.

GENJI: is that right?

76: Take a look.

GENJI: HOLY FUCK WHERE DID THEY ALL COME FROM?

MCCREE: how did we not notice 100 men appear from nowhere?

LUCIO: hanzo what good are you if you cant see them coming?

HANZO: Do not start with me.

WIDOWMAKER: I saw them coming.

GENJI: and u didnt tell us because why?

WIDOWMAKER: It probably has something to do with the fact that I work for Talon.

GENJI: fuck ur right

LUCIO: lol

ZENYATTA: Have no fear, companions.  
ZENYATTA: There is an easy solution to this problem.

76: When did you get back here?

ZENYATTA: I am an Omnic.  
ZENYATTA: The text chat is built into my programming.  
ZENYATTA: I don't really ever leave.

MCCREE: fair

MEI: What's your solution, Zenyatta?

ZENYATTA: Observe.

LUCIO: JESUS FUCK

MCCREE: holy shit

REINHARDT: My Goodness.

76: What the hell just happened?

**[SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54] entered chatroom [STOP CHANGING THE WIFI PASSWORD]**

**User [SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54] changed name to [BASTION]**

76: What the hell is that?

ZENYATTA: That is Bastion.

MCCREE: clearly

ANA: Is that one of the bastion units?

ZENYATTA: Indeed.

REINHARDT: I hate to be this way, but we did spent several years destroying thousands of those.

ZENYATTA: Do not worry yourselves.  
ZENYATTA: I can promise you all that Bastion means no harm to any of you.  
ZENYATTA: I can't say the same for you though, Reyes.

REAPER: **I'm not Gabriel Reyes.**

ZENYATTA: Why don't you ask Jack what happened when he lied to me as well?

REAPER: **How the hell do you even know who I am?**

LUCIO: we all know who you are that this point

SOMBRA: yeah seriously stop trying already

REAPER: _**Sombra...**_

HANZO: You're sure that it's friendly?

ZENYATTA: I give you my word.  
ZENYATTA: Bastion, why don't you say hello to everyone?

BASTION: (•‿•)

TRACER: omg my heart just melted

MEI: That's so cute.

MCCREE: can  
MCCREE: can it talk?

ZENYATTA: Of course he can talk.  
ZENYATTA: He's rather shy at first but once he warms up, you won't be able to keep him quiet.

WINSTON: Well, Bastion.  
WINSTON: We're glad to have you on the team.

BASTION: (｡◕‿◕｡)

TRACER: awwww

ANA: Okay thats really cute

SOMBRA: its so cute  
SOMBRA: dont you think so widow?

WIDOWMAKER: I can't feel emotions.  
WIDOWMAKER: I don't know why you think I can give an opinion on cuteness.

GENJI: and the mood has been spoiled

WIDOWMAKER: I will shoot you.

REAPER: **You're supposed to shoot him.**  
REAPER: **Those were your orders.**

WIDOWMAKER: Which means that I will no longer shoot him.

REAPER: **Why are you the way you are?**

WIDOWMAKER: It probably has something to do with you stripping me off my emotions and altering my physiology.

LUCIO: burn

REAPER: **...**

WINSTON: Well, thanks to Bastion, this mission can be considered a success.  
WINSTON: Despite the extreme efforts of _some_ agents to not allow that to happen...

LUCIO: guilty as charged

WINSTON: Bastion, we'll find you a spot on the Orca.  
WINSTON: Everyone else, come on back.

BASTION: :D

TRACER: omg stop pls its too cute

MCCREE: how the fuck is it doing that?

GENJI: well the smiley face really isnt hard to do

MCCREE: i was really referring to everything else

LUCIO: magic

ZENYATTA: Bastion's quite proficient in keyboard shortcuts.  
ZENYATTA: I'm sure you'll see many of them before long.

SOMBRA: i wanna go meet him  
SOMBRA: can we go meet him gabe?

REAPER: **He just tried to kill us.**  
REAPER: **And stop calling me that.**

SOMBRA: but i bet hes really nice  
SOMBRA: and no

BASTION: ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔ

TRACER: omg he made a bear

ZENYATTA: Bastion says he would love to meet you, Sombra.  
ZENYATTA: Reyes, on the other hand.  
ZENYATTA: I think it's better that you stay away.

REAPER: **I'm not Gabriel Reyes.**

BASTION: ಠ_ಠ

GENJI: lmao

LUCIO: see even bastion knows youre full of shit

MCCREE: bastions already cooler than jack

76: Fuck off already.

WINSTON: Are you coming back or what?

ANA: If we must

76: You must.

MCCREE: youre not in charge anymore

BASTION: (づ◔ ͜ʖ◔)づ

ZENYATTA: Bastion would like everyone to get back to the ship.  
ZENYATTA: He's very eager to see what the Watchpoint is like.

GENJI: that man has a convincing argument

TRACER: agreed lets go!

76: I can't fucking stand any of you.

REAPER: **I was about to say the same thing.**

MCCREE: no wonder you two are so perfect for each other

76: Fuck you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Bastion would be just like a puppy. You know, if puppies were 7 foot tall, machine gun wielding, heartless massacre machines. But not Bastion, he's nice.


	17. the wrath of mercy

REINHARDT: How did you even manage that?

TRACER: im sorry!  
TRACER: i didnt know that would happen!

GENJI: its impressive  
GENJI: its not often u see someone screw up so badly

LUCIO: i dont understand

MCCREE: _how?_

TRACER: I DONT KNOW!

GENJI: angelas going to freak

D.VA: not if she doesnt find out

MCCREE: shes gonna find out

REINHARDT: She will definitely find out.  
REINHARDT: I think you better start thinking of reasonable excuses.

SOMBRA: i can see through the cameras  
SOMBRA: how did you even manage that?

TRACER: I! DONT! KNOW!

LUCIO: stop spying on us

SOMBRA: yeah how about no?

ANA: There has to be something better for you to be doing.

SOMBRA: youd think  
SOMBRA: but yeah no talons kinda boring af

MCCREE: can we fix it?

REINHARDT: I wasn't aware we could repair dust.

MCCREE: im just trying to help

LUCIO: no amount of magic or skill in the world is going to help this situation

GENJI: ...should we tell someone?

D.VA: who are we going to tell that isnt going to kill us?

TRACER: maybe winston would help?

REINHARDT: I don't think he would.  
REINHARDT: He'd probably be the first to sell you out.

TRACER: THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE!

MCCREE: yeah i think you might be dead

ANA: Might be?

LUCIO: yeah no shes totally dead

REINHARDT: If I may ask...  
REINHARDT: _How?_

TRACER: it was an accident!

SOMBRA: i watched that entire thing  
SOMBRA: theres no way that was an accident

TRACER: IT WAS!

D.VA: alright dont panic  
D.VA: we still have time before mercy realizes that its missing

GENJI: @MERCY

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

TRACER: GENJI YOU MONSTER!

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

MERCY: What is going on here?

MCCREE: a spirited debate between a group of highly intelligent individuals  
MCCREE: and then sombra

SOMBRA: wow okay

MERCY: Who called me?

LUCIO: someone called you?

D.VA: yeah i dont remember anyone calling you

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Sombra, are you messing with my communicator?  
MERCY: Again?

SOMBRA: no i swear

MERCY: Someone definitely called me.

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

GENJI: hello friends  
GENJI: what appears to be the problem here?

MERCY: I could've sworn that someone called me, but maybe I'm wrong.

TRACER: youre definitely wrong luv!

GENJI: oh no i called u

TRACER: GENJI!

MERCY: ...Why?

GENJI: i had something to tell u  
GENJI: its really important

TRACER: ＼(｀0´)／

MERCY: Go on.

GENJI: i wanted to tell u  
GENJI: that  
GENJI: tracer  
GENJI: is gay

ANA: Lmao

MERCY: ...I knew that.

D.VA: we all knew that

MERCY: Was that it?

GENJI: basically yeah

REINHARDT: Genji, stop wasting the good doctor's time.

MERCY: Please.  
MERCY: I'm sorry, I don't have time for this.  
MERCY: I appear to have misplaced my Caduceus Staff.  
MERCY: It doesn't seem to be in the medical wing.

MCCREE: you sure?

MERCY: I've searched the entire area.  
MERCY: I can't find it anywhere.

LUCIO: funny you should mention that actually

TRACER: !!!

MERCY: ...Is there something you want to tell me?

LUCIO: well if youre asking

SOMBRA: lucio no

MCCREE: dont do it  
MCCREE: the results would be disastrous

MERCY: What is wrong with all of you right now?

TRACER: LUCIO PLS!

LUCIO: well you see  
LUCIO: about your staff

ANA: This isnt going to end well

MERCY: What isn't going to end well?

D.VA: do you really want to know?

MERCY: If it involves my staff, yes I do.

LUCIO: well  
LUCIO: something mightve happened to it

MERCY: Stop it.

LUCIO: i hate to do this to you

**[attached image: ripmercysstaff.png]**

TRACER: well it was nice knowing all of you!

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: What?  
MERCY: What happened to it?

SOMBRA: no one really knows  
SOMBRA: it just kind of disintegrated

REINHARDT: They still won't explain how.

MERCY: _Who's responsible for this?_

GENJI: well i dont wanna single anyone out  
GENJI: but lena

TRACER: !!!  
TRACER: IT WAS GENJIS IDEA!

MERCY: Someone else better tell me the truth.

MCCREE: it was genji

GENJI: WAIT JESSE STOP

LUCIO: yeah it was genji

GENJI: IS THIS ABOUT YOUR HAT?  
GENJI: I SAID ID BUY A NEW ONE

MERCY: Genji...

REINHARDT: I would run, friend.

ANA: I dont think running is going to help u

GENJI: okay hold on a sec  
GENJI: i didnt do anything wrong

SOMBRA: he did  
SOMBRA: i saw it on camera

GENJI: NO U DIDNT I WASNT EVEN THERE

MERCY: You are going to pay dearly for this.

GENJI: yeah no offense  
GENJI: but im not afraid of u

MCCREE: genji stop

D.VA: youre digging yourself a bigger hole

MERCY: You should be.

GENJI: okay really whatre u going to do?  
GENJI: heal me to death?

ANA: I really wouldnt give her any ideas

MERCY: ...

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] left chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

LUCIO: dude  
LUCIO: run

GENJI: okay srsly tho  
GENJI: i actually had nothing to do with this  
GENJI: whyre u all throwing me under the bus like that?

MCCREE: remember the hat genji?

GENJI: I JUST SAID I WOULD BUY U ANOTHER ONE!

MCCREE: _its not good enough_

TRACER: youre the one who told her about it so i dont feel bad for you!

GENJI: I WAS JOKING!  
GENJI: I WASNT ACTUALLY GOING TO TELL HER!

D.VA: well heres a valuable lesson for next time

REINHARDT: Genji, I would hide.  
REINHARDT: I hear Dr. Ziegler running down the hall towards your room.

GENJI: fuck

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

SOMBRA: @HANZO  
SOMBRA: your brothers prob about to die  
SOMBRA: for real this time

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

HANZO: Good.

LUCIO: savage

D.VA: you dont even care a little bit?

HANZO: Not particularly, no.

ANA: Genjis unloved lol

HANZO: This is what he gets for all the murder jokes.

MCCREE: makes sense

HANZO: If you don't mind, I'm going to resume my training.

LUCIO: do you do anything but train?

HANZO: Yes.  
HANZO: I also watch cute cat videos on the internet during my spare time.

D.VA: OMG YOU DO NOT!

HANZO: Maybe I do.  
HANZO: Maybe I don't.  
HANZO: You may never know.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

LUCIO: theres no way

REINHARDT: I'd believe it.  
REINHARDT: Cat videos are the heart and soul of the internet.

D.VA: yeah maybe 50 years ago

REINHARDT: CAT VIDEOS WILL ALWAYS REIGN SUPREME!

ANA: Seconded

MCCREE: this is a debate for another day  
MCCREE: as for right now  
MCCREE: does anyone feel like helping genji?

LUCIO: nope

TRACER: not at all!

D.VA: no

ANA: Lol nah

REINHARDT: No sympathy here.

MCCREE: alright great  
MCCREE: who wants to play poker in the common room?

D.VA: only if ana doesnt cheat again

ANA: No one can prove that i cheated

SOMBRA: dont be so sure

ANA: Turn a blind eye and u get 30% of the winnings

SOMBRA: i have no idea what shes talking about

ANA: Pleasure doing business with u

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: I KNOW THAT YOURE CHEATING!

ANA: I am not  
ANA: At least not that u can prove

HANA: FUCKING STOP!

ANA: No lol

HANA: I HAVE A HACKER GIRLFRIEND  
HANA: SHE CAN RUIN YOU!

ANA: Indifferent  
ANA: Oh look a royal flush  
ANA: Ill take those chips off ur hands

HANA: OMFG FUCK YOU!

ANA: Im glad to be back

__________________________

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

GENJI: thanks for the backup guys  
GENJI: really i appreciate all of u

ANA: Oh he lives.

GENJI: yup  
GENJI: no thanks to any of u

MCCREE: sorry we got caught up in a poker game

GENJI: i almost died

LUCIO: didnt stop you before

GENJI: touche

D.VA: what did she even do to you?

GENJI: she healed me  
GENJI: far too much  
GENJI: it actually started to hurt

REINHARDT: I told you not to give her any ideas.

GENJI: i havent mastered that skill yet unfortunately

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [NOTICE ME SENPAI]**

**User [ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] changed chatroom name to [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

MCCREE: this is a play on words and i hate it

REINHARDT: That's actually rather creative.

GENJI: its not wrong

MERCY: Genji  
MERCY: How are you feeling?

GENJI: not good

MERCY: Good.  
MERCY: Next time don't touch my staff.

GENJI: I DIDNT TOUCH IT THO

MCCREE: he touched it

GENJI: JESSE SHUT UP

MERCY: I would help you, but I have other matters to attend to.

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

ANA: How much do u think a new staff costs?

LUCIO: enough

TRACER: winstons card will cover it dont worry!

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

PHARAH: I'm not going to sit here and point fingers at anyone.  
PHARAH: But I need to ask.  
PHARAH: _How?_

MCCREE: there are some questions that are better left unanswered

PHARAH: Believe it or not, she's actually not that upset.

GENJI: she tried to kill me

PHARAH: Well, who hasn't tried to kill you at this point?

GENJI: damn it  
GENJI: ur right

PHARAH: Can we please be more careful in the future?

LUCIO: possibly

PHARAH: I'll take that as a no.

D.VA: it was intended as a no

PHARAH: Good to see that none of you have changed.

TRACER: life would be boring without us!

PHARAH: ...I guess you're right.  
PHARAH: At least make an attempt to avoid breaking things.

MCCREE: cant promise anything

PHARAH: Lovely.

**[PHARAH] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

GENJI: i cant feel my fingers

LUCIO: arent they fake anyway

GENJI: NOT THE POINT

REINHARDT: Seeing what you did, I'd say you got off easily.

GENJI: i didnt do anything tho

TRACER: thanks for taking the fall there luv!  
TRACER: i owe ya

GENJI: u owe me more than u will ever be able to repay

MCCREE: this is your fault

GENJI: i disagree

D.VA: yeah next time dont try to pin it on lena

GENJI: _shes the one that did it_

ANA: Do u have proof?

GENJI: what is it with all of u and proof all of the sudden?  
GENJI: and yes i have sombra

SOMBRA: oh sorry i think those video files got deleted  
SOMBRA: whoops

GENJI: y are u like this?

SOMBRA: it happens

MCCREE: ANA STOP FUCKING CHEATING

ANA: Im not cheating

REINHARDT: I see you hoarding those cards in your sleeve.

ANA: U SEE NOTHING!

D.VA: OMG IM QUITTING

ANA: GOOD THAT MEANS I GET UR CHIPS

LUCIO: NO YOU DONT YOU CHEATED

ANA: PROVE IT

___________________________

**Official Notice:**

**Because of the horribly irresponsible actions of several agents last night, the playing of card games and any assortment thereof has been banned from the Watchpoint for the time being.**   
**For those agents directly responsible for the damage done from the riot that ensued, you will all be responsible for repairing the Watchpoint.**   
**Furthermore, anyone who is caught cheating during any recreational activity with be punished to the maximum extent. We do not need a repeat of what happened last night.**   
**I expect better from all of you.**

**Warm Regards,**   
**Winston**

________________________________

D.VA: work sucks

ANA: This is why u should have just accepted that i was bending the rules

LUCIO: no fuck you

GENJI: why am i even here i wasnt doing anything?

MCCREE: guilty by association

GENJI: i need new friends

TRACER: you love us!

REINHARDT: Hana, that is not how you're supposed to repair a window.

D.VA: i dont care  
D.VA: winston shouldve known he wasnt going to get my best effort

SOMBRA: i see you all through the cameras  
SOMBRA: i almost feel bad

MCCREE: you should  
MCCREE: this is close to a six hour project

D.VA: babe save me

SOMBRA: sorry i have no control over that!  
SOMBRA: you look so cute tho

D.VA: <3

SOMBRA: <3

LUCIO: stop being gay im trying to work

SOMBRA: fight me n00b

D.VA: i love you so much

ANA: This couldve all been avoided  
ANA: But no  
ANA: U all had to complain because im better than u

GENJI: just stop

TRACER: you cheated when overwatch first formed too!

MCCREE: yeah i remember what you did to liao

ANA: He overreacted

GENJI: U cheated him out of 300 dollars

ANA: And i bet he regrets ever challenging me

REINHARDT: Ana, stop being such a bad person.

ANA: Processing request...  
ANA: No

LUCIO: lol

D.VA: i thought i liked you ana  
D.VA: now im not sure anymore

ANA: Oops lol

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

JUNKRAT: HEY MATES SORRY TO BOTHER YA BUT ROADIE AND I JUST USED THE BATHROOM ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND IT KINDA NEEDS TO BE CLEANED AGAIN

MCCREE: why do you do the things you do?

JUNKRAT: SORRY LOL

GENJI: im not doing that

TRACER: me either!

LUCIO: nope

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

WINSTON: Genji, go do it.

GENJI: wtf man why me?

WINSTON: Because I said so.

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

GENJI: bullshit

MCCREE: you know that you deserve this

GENJI: no i dont

ANA: Learn to be a little more humble

GENJI: i am tho

REINHARDT: I send you strength to get through this difficult time.

JUNKRAT: HE MIGHT NEED MORE THAN THAT ITS PRETTY BAD

GENJI: pray for me

LUCIO: no

GENJI: fine ill just go fuck myself

D.VA: make sure you clean the bathroom first

GENJI: i dont like any of u

MCCREE: get cleaning  
MCCREE: it aint gonna clean itself

GENJI: ive almost died twice i dont deserve this


	18. everyone needs a friend

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

HANZO: I don't think I've ever seen a group of people so inept at completing the simplest tasks.

MCCREE: id hardly call that simple

HANZO: _It couldn't have been more simple..._

GENJI: speak for urself  
GENJI: the rest of us arent workaholics like u

HANZO: That has absolutely no correlation to the topic.

D.VA: we tried  
D.VA: thats what matters

HANZO: You could have fooled me.

LUCIO: hey leave us alone  
LUCIO: not everyone trains for 20 hours a day

HANZO: You didn't need training to complete that objective.  
HANZO: I could have grabbed a random civilian off the street and they probably would have been able to do it.

TRACER: oi its not our faults!  
TRACER: jack sucks at giving instructions

76: _And you suck at listening to them._

MCCREE: in our defense  
MCCREE: you didnt specify which car it was

76: I said it was the red one  
76: In a lot full of blue and green cars  
76: How could that have been any more specific?

LUCIO: well im colorblind

GENJI: im a cyborg i cant see colors

76: Absolutely unreal.

TRACER: were lucky that fareeha and reinhardt were there

REINHARDT: Yes you are.

D.VA: what actually happened btw?

76: Were you not here?

D.VA: i mightve gotten sidetracked

76: What the hell does that mean?

MCCREE: she snuck off to find sombra

76: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

LUCIO: enough

GENJI: well im technically dead so

HANZO: You acted like an idiot even before that.

GENJI: dont act like im not ur favorite brother

HANZO: You are my only brother.

GENJI: and im totally ur favorite

HANZO: Debatable.

LUCIO: rip

MCCREE: shut the fuck up with that already

TRACER: long story short we blew up a few cars

REINHARDT: A few?

TRACER: okay fine!  
TRACER: the entire lot

D.VA: oh lol that sounds fun

SOMBRA: not as much fun as we were having  
SOMBRA: ;)

LUCIO: gay

D.VA: shut up

76: _Is it possible for any of you to stop abandoning missions?_

GENJI: u tell us

MCCREE: yeah really how often have you and gabe snuck off together?

76: _We haven't done that in weeks!_

SOMBRA: i literally saw you two together last night

76: Get out of this chatroom.

SOMBRA: id love to see you make me

HANZO: From what I've witnessed, Jack can't make anyone do anything.

76: ...  
76: And now you're starting with me?

HANZO: I'm simply stating what I'm observing.

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

SYMMETRA: Commander, Mei and I have located the Talon intel you spoke about.

76: It's good to see that _someone_ can actually follow instructions.

LUCIO: hes not your commander anymore

76: Shut the fuck up.

MCCREE: hey you said it

TRACER: were just repeating it!

76: I hate all of you.

D.VA: old news

LUCIO: get another insult

76: Your music sucks.

LUCIO: DONT YOU FUCKING DARE

D.VA: I LOVE HIS MUSIC ILL ACTUALLY FIGHT YOU IRL

MCCREE: well this got violent very quickly

GENJI: can u blame them?  
GENJI: jack essentially just declared war

SYMMETRA: While the six of you settle your dispute, Mei and I will return the intelligence to the ship.

MCCREE: hey genji and i aint involved in this

76: We'll follow behind you.

LUCIO: IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE

76: Bite me.

LUCIO: I CAN AND WILL HURT YOU

76: I'm shaking.

MCCREE: fuck genji get the popcorn

GENJI: im on it

D.VA: JACK YOURE SUCH A PRICK OMG TAKE IT BACK

76: No.

TRACER: JACK PLS SAY YOURE SORRY!

76: I'm not giving in to the demands of children.

D.VA: IM NOT A CHILD

76: I'm sure the rest of Overwatch would disagree.

LUCIO: ILL FUCK YOU UP OLD MAN

76: Right.  
76: Where did your military training come from?

LUCIO: FUCK YOU

REINHARDT: Can we settle this on the way home?  
REINHARDT: I have a date with the couch in the common room.

HANZO: I think the last place we want any of them is on an enclosed ship.

MCCREE: theres only way one out of here

D.VA: im coming

LUCIO: me too  
LUCIO: AND I EXPECT AN APOLOGY WHEN I GET THERE

76: You expect too much.

LUCIO: IM WARNING YOU

___________________________

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

WINSTON: @LUCIO @D.VA @SOLDIER: 76 @TRACER @GENJI @MCCREE  
WINSTON: I want to see all of you in my lab immediately.

GENJI: but y?

WINSTON: NOW!

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

TRACER: :(

**[TRACER] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

**[D.VA] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

LUCIO: DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO OLD MAN?

76: _The ship almost crashed because of you..._

LUCIO: AND IF YOU JUST KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

**[LUCIO] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

MCCREE: ok whyre we bein yelled at again?  
MCCREE: we literally just sat there and ate popcorn

GENJI: u said it urself  
GENJI: guilty by association

MCCREE: god dammit  
MCCREE: youre right  
MCCREE: we need new friends

GENJI: who tho?

MCCREE: hanzo?

HANZO: No.

MCCREE: satya?

SYMMETRA: Leave me out of your antics.

GENJI: lets ask reinhardt and ana  
GENJI: or bastion

MCCREE: well figure this out later  
MCCREE: cause winston just called us over the intercom

GENJI: yeah i heard it too  
GENJI: fuck

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

HANZO: The more time I spend here, the more I think I would have been better off on my own.

SYMMETRA: Surprisingly, even Vishkar was more organized than this.

WIDOWMAKER: Talon is still highly unorganized.  
WIDOWMAKER: Not that it matters anyway.

HANZO: It's hard to be quite as unorganized as Overwatch.

WIDOWMAKER: Trust me, Talon is far worse off.

SYMMETRA: I don't quite understand how this group is even functional.

HANZO: Winston is certainly doing his best, to his credit.  
HANZO: I have no real idea how he hasn't lost his mind at this point.

WIDOWMAKER: I could say the same of you two.  
WIDOWMAKER: How have you both managed to avoid the madness that comes with that organization?

SYMMETRA: It helps that we're far less active in the text chat than most of them are.

HANZO: There's a reason why I lock myself in the practice range.  
HANZO: None of them ever go in there.

WIDOWMAKER: That's rather smart, actually.

SYMMETRA: At this point, it's just one dysfunctional group against another.

HANZO: It's anyone's guess who will emerge victorious.  
HANZO: But, with the way this is going, it wouldn't surprise me if they both just destroyed each other.

WIDOWMAKER: Dealing with Reaper and Sombra is just as frustrating.  
WIDOWMAKER: I constantly have to reboot the security systems because they are both sneaking out to meet their significant other.  
WIDOWMAKER: And don't even get me started on the arguing that goes on between the two of them.  
WIDOWMAKER: It's very similar to babysitting two small children.

HANZO: I relate to your struggles far too much.

SYMMETRA: Likewise.

WIDOWMAKER: I like you two.  
WIDOWMAKER: I feel as if we would get along quite well.

HANZO: Even though this is technically considered working with the enemy?

WIDOWMAKER: Reaper and Sombra are both sleeping with agents in Overwatch.  
WIDOWMAKER: Compared to that, I don't think what we're doing is all that bad.

SYMMETRA: Fair point.

HANZO: It is nice to communicate with someone who isn't a complete idiot.

WIDOWMAKER: I'm glad we could come to this agreement.

SYMMETRA: I had the feeling you weren't entirely evil.

WIDOWMAKER: I wouldn't go that far.  
WIDOWMAKER: Saying that my allegiance is to Talon would be a lie.  
WIDOWMAKER: However, I personally relate more to Talon's goals than Overwatch's.  
WIDOWMAKER: Of course, that doesn't mean we can't be friends.

HANZO: Of course not.

SYMMETRA: I won't speak of this any further if you won't.

WIDOWMAKER: Agreed.

HANZO: Well, if we're all done here, I'm going to hide in the practice range before Winston lets those animals out of the lab.

SYMMETRA: I have already locked myself in the armory with Lindholm.

HANZO: Wise choice.

WIDOWMAKER: I wish you all the best of luck.

HANZO: We will certainly need it.

___________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

GENJI: i think im gonna pick bastion

JESSE: you sure?

GENJI: hes the most fun out of the remaining options  
GENJI: master goes without saying but bastion is prob the only cool choice we have

JESSE: ana and reinhardt?

GENJI: i thought about it but they fit more with the older group  
GENJI: if they had to choose between us or jack and winston, theyd choose jack and winston every time

JESSE: good point  
JESSE: so whatre the other options?

GENJI: torb fits with the older group  
GENJI: angela and fareeha are in their own world  
GENJI: mei and zarya are basically best friends  
GENJI: hanzo and satya hate our guts and are too petty for us anyway  
GENJI: no one likes junkrat  
GENJI: i like roadhog but i also think he could prob eat me  
GENJI: and then theres lena hana lucio and sombra  
GENJI: who were ditching anyway

JESSE: so were basically starting our own clique with bastion and zen?

GENJI: more or less  
GENJI: i spent a lot of time with master  
GENJI: hes very mellow but is more than capable of holding his own in a meme war

JESSE: i like it  
JESSE: but were still gonna be friends with lucio and them right?

GENJI: oh yeah of course  
GENJI: im just tired of getting in trouble because of them

JESSE: i cant believe we got blamed for that  
JESSE: we literally just ate popcorn

GENJI: he was mad because we didnt stop them

JESSE: im not their fuckin babysitter  
JESSE: let them handle their problems on their own

GENJI: i wish liao was here  
GENJI: he always took the fall

JESSE: he mostly took the fall against his will

GENJI: i still respect him for it

JESSE: alright ill go talk to bastion and you work on zen?

GENJI: sure

__________________________

 D.VA: YOURE ACTUALLY DITCHING US?

MCCREE: were not doing anything

LUCIO: is that why youre hanging with bastion and zen now?

GENJI: im tired of getting in trouble because of u  
GENJI: were still friends but im not taking the blame anymore

LUCIO: ITS USUALLY YOUR FAULT ANYWAY!

GENJI: name one time it was my fault

D.VA: the tomato incident

GENJI: NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!

LUCIO: reinhardts hammer

TRACER: fareehas rocket launcher

D.VA: the missing chairs in the dining hall

LUCIO: the medicine

D.VA: my computer

TRACER: the giant hole in the garden

GENJI: okay i get it

MCCREE: my hat

GENJI: wtf i thought u were on my side?

MCCREE:  _IM STILL UPSET GENJI_

GENJI: thats it  
GENJI: im ditching u too  
GENJI: bastions my new best friend

BASTION: (◠‿◠)

TRACER: awww

D.VA: genji dont make me fight you

BASTION: ಠ_ಠ︻╦╤─

LUCIO: is that a gun?

MCCREE: hana you better back off

GENJI: bastions my friend  
GENJI: hell protect me with his life

D.VA: BUT HES MY FRIEND TOO

MCCREE: nah hes my friend

LUCIO: bastion which one of us do you like most?

BASTION: ...  
BASTION: =I:)

MCCREE: well ill be damned

D.VA: NO FAIR

GENJI: wow bastion i did all this for u and u still like jesse more?

ZENYATTA: Bastion likes Jesse a lot.  
ZENYATTA: Especially after he was the only one who helped when Ganymede was sick.

BASTION: :'(

GENJI: HEY I HELPED TOO!

MCCREE: youre not the one who brought him to the vet

LUCIO: i thought you couldnt be seen dont you have a bounty on your head?

MCCREE: im very good at being invisible

D.VA: so were your parents

LUCIO: FUCKING OUCH

BASTION: >:(

ZENYATTA: Bastion requests that you don't insult Jesse, Hana.

D.VA: ...  
D.VA: fine

BASTION: :)

TRACER: how can you not listen to what bastion says?

GENJI: if bastion was in charge overwatch would run a lot smoother

76: I can name at least three agents who wouldn't take orders from an Omnic.

LUCIO: then those agents can fuck off and die

D.VA: bastions adorable how could you hate him??

76: If you'd seen what I've seen, you'd understand.

BASTION: :(

MCCREE: he aint wrong  
MCCREE: i remember the first omnic crisis

LUCIO: bastions nice tho

76: I didn't say he wasn't.  
76: I'm just saying that some agents wouldn't take orders from him.

GENJI: jesse i got an idea  
GENJI: instead of ditching the four of them lets add bastion and master to the group

MCCREE: i like that idea

GENJI: it wouldnt be the same otherwise

ZENYATTA: I appreciate the thought.  
ZENYATTA: Thank you.

BASTION: :D

ZENYATTA: Bastion is equally thankful.

LUCIO: OK FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS  
LUCIO: BASTION GO SCARE MERCY AND PHARAH

76: _LUCIO, STOP!_

BASTION: ...

_______________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

BASTION: <(◣,..,◢)>

ANGELA: BASTION, STOP!

_______________________

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [MERCY THE HARMACIST]**

WINSTON: Bastion is the last remaining innocent soul on this base.  
WINSTON: _Stop corrupting him._

LUCIO: lmao nah

BASTION: ^_^;

WINSTON: It's okay, Bastion.  
WINSTON: I'm not blaming you for this.

BASTION: (^3^)

WINSTON: From now on, don't listen to anyone but Zenyatta, okay?

BASTION: :p

WINSTON: Good job.

TRACER: BASTION IS SO CUTE OMG IM MELTING

76: How can you say that when you were in London during the Uprising?

TRACER: THAT WAS DIFFERENT BASTIONS THE SWEETEST THING EVER!

76: The Omnics killed thousands of people...

LUCIO: THEYRE GOOD BOTS BRENT

REINHARDT: I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, LUCIO!

MCCREE: its your worst fear jack  
MCCREE: an omnic is being more respected than you

76: Fuck off.

GENJI: i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship

D.VA: or a beautiful death by sentry gun

TRACER: im willing to take that chance!  
TRACER: ill just recall thru it anyway!

MCCREE: show off

TRACER: dont hate just appreciate!

76: It's very hard to appreciate any of you.

LUCIO: give it some time old man  
LUCIO: youll learn to love us

76: You tried to kill me because I said something negative about your music.

LUCIO: AND I HOPE YOU LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT RESPECT!

76: The only thing I'm learning is that I made a mistake answering the recall.

D.VA: you are a mistake

76: Fuck you.


	19. tor till a

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD]**

MCCREE: oh hey hes back  
MCCREE: we thought you died

REAPER: **Well, I technically already did.**

GENJI: same tho

REAPER: **Thanks for making my life a living hell, Mercy.**

MERCY: With the way you've been acting, I think you deserved it.

LUCIO: burn

REAPER: **I'll kill you.**

GENJI: go ahead im already dead

D.VA: why do you only join this chat to start problems?

REAPER: **I was being perfectly civil until someone started with me.**

76: You should talk about starting problems.

D.VA: oh cmon what problems have i started

76: All of them.

D.VA: bullshit

MCCREE: blowing up the hangar

D.VA: it was a dare!

MCCREE: _torb and i had to fix that_  
MCCREE: _it took us six hours_  
MCCREE: _with no breaks_

D.VA: well sorry

76: You should be.

D.VA: i dont remember apologizing to you

76: You didn't specify who you were apologizing to so I assumed I was included in that.

D.VA: you dont deserve an apology

LUCIO: yeah you threw out all of our pizza

REAPER: **He did that all the time before the disbandment too.**

76: _I did it once._  
76: _And that pizza was over a month old._

GENJI: liao and ana still wouldve eaten it

76: _They would've gotten sick._

TRACER: small price to pay

D.VA: oh wow you were a bad person back then too

76: _I'd rather be a bad person than be a child._

D.VA: STOP CALLING ME A CHILD

76: _**C-H-I-L-D...**_

**[D.VA] left chatroom [I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD]**

LUCIO: lmao

GENJI: wow jack just how done with our shit are u?

76: Very.

MCCREE: hes crossed over to the dark side  
MCCREE: no one is safe anymore

REAPER: **The dark side doesn't want him.**  
REAPER: **He's too much of a boy scout.**

76: I'll kill you.  
76: Again.

LUCIO: sounds kinky

REAPER: **Shut up.**

MERCY: It's two in the morning.  
MERCY: Please refrain from killing anyone until the medical wing opens up again.

GENJI: isnt the med bay always open tho?

MERCY: Even I need some time off, Genji.

MCCREE: oh so youd just let us die?

MERCY: With the way you all behave, I don't think anyone would object to me "accidentally" botching an operation.

LUCIO: damn thats harsh

MERCY: I'm clearly joking...  
MERCY: I'm obligated to help you.

GENJI: good to see that u do it begrudgingly

MERCY: Oh come on.  
MERCY: You don't actually believe that I'd let any of you die if I could help it, do you?

REAPER: **Well, if we're going to have this conversation...**

MERCY: _NOT the time, Reyes..._

MCCREE: you sure make it seem like you would

MERCY: Why is it that no one else is allowed to joke besides the five of you?

TRACER: cause none of your jokes are funny!

MERCY: _And making murder jokes to Hanzo is?_

GENJI: were an acquired taste

76: You're all idiots.

REAPER: **You didn't know how to use the computer at first...**

LUCIO: OMG STOP

76: _I'M FROM RURAL INDIANA!_  
76: _WE DON'T HAVE MUCH OTHER THAN FARMS AND TRACTORS OUT THERE!_

MERCY: Who in this day and age doesn't know how to use a computer?

76: _I grew up on a farm..._

LUCIO: excuses excuses

76: At least I know how to turn a shower on.

GENJI: @JESSE

MCCREE: were not really going there are we?

TRACER: that was so funny!

LUCIO: wait whats the story here?

MCCREE: it aint important

GENJI: overwatch and blackwatch went on vacation to jamaica years ago and jesse didnt know how to turn the shower in the hotel room on

LUCIO: OMG YES

MCCREE: it was an honest mistake

MERCY: It said it on the handle...

MCCREE: i aint having this conversation again

76: Gerard had to come down and show you how to do it.

REAPER: **I've never been more disappointed in you.**

MCCREE: can we stop talking about this?

TRACER: nope!

LUCIO: okay nvm maybe we are all idiots

76: I'm glad that you agree.

GENJI: ur a part of that group too

76: I beg to differ.

LUCIO: you would lose

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD]**

PHARAH: What's going on here?

GENJI: were snowboarding

PHARAH: I want to come.

GENJI: were not actually snowboarding fareeha lol

PHARAH: Obviously.  
PHARAH: But if we ever do, I want to come along.

MERCY: You know how to snowboard?

PHARAH: I've gone a few times.  
PHARAH: I faired pretty well.

MERCY: You're so talented, Fareeha.

PHARAH: <3

MERCY: <3

REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: reinhardts memes give me life

GENJI: circuits wires and cybernetic enhancements give _me_ life

TRACER: oh...

MCCREE: you have too much life

GENJI: say what u want im secure

76: You're an idiot.

GENJI: yeah this wasnt a secret

REAPER: **Has anyone seen Sombra?**

LUCIO: do we really care?

SOMBRA: ive been here all along...

REAPER: **Give me back my soda.**

SOMBRA: i didnt touch it  
SOMBRA: its probably in the break room

GENJI: u guys have a break room?

SOMBRA: obviously

REAPER: **It's not just a break room.**  
REAPER: **It's a Break Room**  
REAPER: **OF DEATH!**

LUCIO: i just cringed so hard

**[PHARAH] went idle**

MERCY: She's laughing a little too much.

MCCREE: give up the evil facade reyes  
MCCREE: you aint fooling no one anymore

REAPER: _**Just let me have this.**_  
REAPER: _**It's all I have left!**_

TRACER: you still have jack!

76: Quiet.

REINHARDT: Oh Jack, stop denying it.  
REINHARDT: No one will judge you for being in love.

76: I'm not in love...

GENJI: yeah and im not a cyborg ninja dude with a giant sword

MCCREE: was that a euphemism for something?

GENJI: possibly

LUCIO: lmao

REINHARDT: Genji, I need your help with something.

GENJI: ask away my crusader friend

REINHARDT: I want to see if you can reflect my Earth Shatter with that magical sword of yours.

LUCIO: phrasing grandpa

GENJI: 

REINHARDT: I'll throw in a pack of Gummy Bears for your troubles.

GENJI: 

WINSTON: _No Genji, stop!_

GENJI: CANT STOP WONT STOP!

_____________________________

REINHARDT: It did not work.

MCCREE: unsuprisingly

WINSTON: I warned you not to.

REINHARDT: As it turns out, Genji is not a very good listener.

MERCY: You could have said no...

REINHARDT: As it also turns out, I am not a very good at convincing him to stop.

76: I can't believe you.

GENJI: say what u want  
GENJI: i have a bag of gummy bears now

LUCIO: can i have some?

GENJI: no

MCCREE: how about some for your best friend from blackwatch?

GENJI: training bot 23?

MCCREE: funny

GENJI: what have u done that warrants a gummy bear?

MCCREE: i think you owe me

GENJI: no i dont

MCCREE: _remember the hat genji?_

GENJI: OMG I GOT U ANOTHER ONE FUCK U

MCCREE: give me a gummy bear

GENJI: NO!

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: @BASTION

BASTION: >:(

GENJI: okay fine  
GENJI: ill give u one

MCCREE: pleasure doin business with you

GENJI: is this whats gonna happen from now on?  
GENJI: ur gonna sic bastion on me everytime i do something u dont like?

MCCREE: more or less

GENJI: aight cool

LUCIO: wheres hana?

MCCREE: her and sombra are playing mario kart or somethin in the common room

REINHARDT: They better clear out.  
REINHARDT: I have a dinner date there in an hour and I need to prepare.

TRACER: ooooo whos the lucky lady?

REINHARDT: Some of you may know her.  
REINHARDT: Some may not.  
REINHARDT: But if you don't I will harshly question your intelligence.

GENJI: eh were used to it

MCCREE: who is it?

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD]**

LUCIO: oh shit

PHARAH: Mom?

ANA: I feel like im being judged

MCCREE: i wouldnt say that  
MCCREE: although im a little surprised

PHARAH: You're going out with Reinhardt?

ANA: Its just dinner fareeha  
ANA: Well see what happens from there

GENJI: oh i know what happens from there  
GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LUCIO: lol

ANA: Genji...  
ANA: This is not the time.

GENJI: im sorry mam

PHARAH: I feel so blindsided by this.

ANA: Oh so its okay for u to date dr ziegler but i cant just have a nice dinner with reinhardt?

PHARAH: That's completely different.

MCCREE: no it aint

PHARAH: _Quiet..._

76: What took so long for this to happen?

REINHARDT: I am a gentleman, Jack.  
REINHARDT: Rushing the lady is wrong.  
REINHARDT: I simply made an offer, and I gave her plenty of time to think it over.

ANA: I just want some food

REINHARDT: AND I WILL MAKE YOU THE GREATEST FOOD THAT HAS EVER CROSSED YOUR TASTE BUDS.

GENJI: why cant u do this when its ur turn to cook?

REINHARDT: Because most of you are ungrateful and complain.

LUCIO: well when you make german food every week what do you expect?

REINHARDT: GERMAN CUISINE IS THE SUPERIOR CHOICE!

MCCREE: beg to differ

REINHARDT: Cultureless swine.

TRACER: ouch that hurt!

PHARAH: Why couldn't you at least tell me this?

GENJI: prob cause u and angela wont stop sucking face outside my room

MERCY: _WE DID THAT ONE TIME!_

GENJI: dont make me have sombra get the footage

76: Are all of you dysfunctional?

LUCIO: okay srsly why do you always have a stick up your ass?

76: I'm annoyed with the lack of professionalism around here.

GENJI: sorry professionalism wasnt included in my upgrades

REAPER: **You need to stop caring so much, Jack.**  
REAPER: **Be more like me.**  
REAPER: **Nothing bothers me anymore.**

MCCREE: tor-till-a

REAPER: **IT'S TOR-TI-YAH YOU UNGRATEFUL INGRATE!!!**

LUCIO: lmao im dying

76: I believe you were saying something funny, Reyes?

REAPER: **FUCK OFF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!**

PHARAH: I still don't understand why my mom wouldn't tell me that she's dating Reinhardt.

ANA: Once again not dating  
ANA: Just having dinner as friends

PHARAH: Then why wouldn't you tell me?

GENJI: prob for the same reason she didnt tell u she was still alive

ANA: _Genji..._

GENJI: im done i swear

ANA: Why are u making such a big deal over this?

PHARAH: I just thought it was something I should've known about in advance.

ANA: Well im sorry for not letting u know early

PHARAH: It's fine.  
PHARAH: I was just a little surprised is all.

GENJI: not as surprised as i was when i into the med bay that one day and saw u and angela doing things i dont have the stomach to repeat

LUCIO: tmi stop

MERCY: Don't start with us, right now.

REINHARDT: @HANA @SOMBRA  
REINHARDT: GET OUT OF THE COMMON ROOM I HAVE A DINNER TO PREPARE FOR!

**[D.VA] entered chatroom [I CAN'T SEE MY FOREHEAD]**

D.VA: MAKE ME N00B

REINHARDT: DO NOT CHALLENGE A CRUSADER!

D.VA: FIGHT ME!

___________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT HAMMER!

REINHARDT: GET OUT OF THE COMMON ROOM!

HANA: IM TRYING TO BEAT MY GIRLFRIEND IN MARIO KART

REINHARDT: 1...

HANA: DONT YOU THREATEN ME

REINHARDT: 2...

HANA: YOU WOULDNT DARE

REINHARDT: 2 AND A HALF...

HANA: IM NOT SCARED OF YOU

REINHARDT: 3...

__________________________

GENJI: this poor tv  
GENJI: its not being given the chance to live

MCCREE: WOULD YALL STOP BREAKING THE DAMN TV?

REINHARDT: THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER CHALLENGE A CRUSADER!

D.VA: I WAS ABOUT TO WIN

REINHARDT: ON THIS DAY, YOU ARE THE LOSER!

D.VA: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS GRANDPA!

REINHARDT: I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO FIGHT FOR MY HONOR IN ANOTHER GAME OF MORTAL KOMBAT!

D.VA: _I WILL NEVER PLAY THAT GAME AGAINST YOU AGAIN!_

REINHARDT: THEN LEAVE THE COMMON ROOM AT ONCE!

D.VA: FUCK

WINSTON: We don't have the money to keep replacing these TVs.

LUCIO: ive seen your card we have plenty of money

WINSTON: _Stop using my card!_

LUCIO: yeah how about no?

MCCREE: i aint fixing it this time

GENJI: can we just get like a punching bag in the common room or something?  
GENJI: the tvs dont deserve this

76: Yes they do.  
76: I went to watch my show and the TV called me ugly.

SOMBRA: that was me lol

76: Could you stop hacking everything?

SOMBRA: maybe someday

LUCIO: but probably not some day soon

SOMBRA: you read my mind

WINSTON: From now on, I'm going to start charging all of you for your stupid decisions.

LUCIO: you better hide that card then lol

WINSTON: _If you touch my card again, I will destroy your headphones._

LUCIO: wow okay no need to be so aggressive

TRACER: you were kinda asking for it!

LUCIO: im just making jokes stop bullying me

WINSTON: No.

LUCIO: :(


	20. an overwatch halloween

MCCREE: GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS MCMOTHERFUCKERS!

GENJI: thursday?

MERCY: Today's Monday...

GENJI: whoops

**User [JESSE MCCREE] changed chatroom name to [HAPPY HALLOWEEN FUCKHEADS]**

76: Not again.

LUCIO: fuckheads?

D.VA: im offended

MCCREE: does anyone care?

GENJI: nope not really

D.VA: rude

MCCREE: perfect

LUCIO: that reminds me  
LUCIO: does overwatch have any special halloween traditions?

76: Besides eating candy and hating each other's existence?

D.VA: is that really any different from what we do all year round tho?

GENJI: we throw a party

WINSTON: We're not throwing a party again.

GENJI: but y tho?

WINSTON: Need I remind you of what happened the last time?

MCCREE: that was liaos fault and you know it

76: You pushed him off the fucking balcony.  
76: How is that his fault?

MERCY: That ruined my night.  
MERCY: I'm the one who had to set his leg back into place.

GENJI: well duh ur the only doctor

MCCREE: well if you wanna go there reyes told me to do it

REAPER: **No I didn't.**

GENJI: it was actually kimiko

MCCREE: i dont remember i was very drunk

REAPER: **You literally only drank four beers.**

MCCREE: i was also 19

LUCIO: weak

MCCREE: thats it  
MCCREE: youre not invited to the halloween party

LUCIO: im sorry

MCCREE: you should be

WINSTON: There will be no parties here, Jesse.

MCCREE: please?

WINSTON: No.  
WINSTON: After the last time, you should consider yourself lucky for even being allowed in here again.

MCCREE: i refuse to be held responsible for this

WINSTON: I'm holding you responsible for it.

GENJI: get rekted jesse

WINSTON: If you want to go out for the night, I will not stop you.  
WINSTON: But there will be no parties on base.

LUCIO: boooo

D.VA: youre no fun

WINSTON: You can blame Jesse for being so irresponsible.

GENJI: thanks jesse

MCCREE: wtf really?

WINSTON: I'm serious.

MCCREE: i reckon that i cant convince you otherwise

WINSTON: You would be correct.

MCCREE: fuck

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

GENJI: so were still totally throwing a party right?

JESSE: of course

GENJI: ill get lucio and reinhardt on the set up

JESSE: you sure reinhardt wont sell us out?

GENJI: trust me  
GENJI: when have i ever steered u wrong?

JESSE: well if youre asking

GENJI: _DONT ANSWER THAT QUESTION JESSE!_

JESSE: so what do we do when winston finds out?

GENJI: hes not going to find out

JESSE: hes gonna find out

GENJI: prob  
GENJI: but well think of something

_________________________

**[SOMBRA] has removed [WINSTON] from chatroom [HAPPY HALLOWEEN FUCKHEADS]**

76: He's going to kill you.

SOMBRA: one problem at a time morrison

76: Can you stop calling me that?  
76: I'm already treated like garbage just let me have this.

TRACER: its cause we love you jack!

76: There are better ways to show your love.

LUCIO: yeah but this is the best way we can think of

MERCY: I hope you know that if anyone gets hurt, I will not be helping.

MCCREE: we kinda expected that

MERCY: But I'm still coming.

GENJI: i dont remember inviting u

MERCY: I don't remember needing to save your life but I decided to do it out of the kindness of my heart.

GENJI: now ur just being mean

LUCIO: you kinda ask for it

GENJI: debatable

MCCREE: @REINHARDT  
MCCREE: youre in charge of getting the food

REINHARDT: I'm already on it.

D.VA: good man  
D.VA: even though you destroyed the tv

REINHARDT: And I hope you learned a valuable lesson about respecting your elders.

SOMBRA: i just wanted to play mario kart

REINHARDT: My dinner date meant more than your stupid video game date.

MCCREE: yeah can we wait until after the party before having this argument again?

D.VA: fine

GENJI: @EVERYONE  
GENJI: except winston  
GENJI: party starts in an hour be there or be circle

ANA: The phrase is be there or be square

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: r u sure?  
GENJI: im pretty sure its circle

ANA: No it isnt

LUCIO: why would it be circle?

MCCREE: what sense does that make?

GENJI: i didnt think it was supposed to make sense

76: Nothing you say ever makes sense.

GENJI: im not doing this rn  
GENJI: party starts in an hour

MERCY: How do you expect to hide this from Winston?

MCCREE: well cross that bridge when we come to it

76: This won't end well.

_______________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

76: What the hell are you supposed to be?

JESSE: van helsing...

76: That's Van Helsing?

JESSE: at least i dressed up  
JESSE: you look like that angry old dude who yells at you for kicking a ball on his lawn

76: I'm sorry that I'm not five years old anymore.

JESSE: age has nothing to do with it  
JESSE: were just trying to have fun

76: I gave up fun about three faked deaths ago.

JESSE: could you loosen up a little?

76: No.

JESSE: im getting you to loosen up tonight

76: Good Luck.

_________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: were getting jack drunk tonight

GENJI: did u forget what happened last time?

JESSE: not in the slightest  
JESSE: but were still doing it

GENJI: im not helping with this i want to enjoy the party

JESSE: whos manning the bar?

GENJI: prob reinhardt or fareeha

JESSE: well whoever it is text them and tell them the plan

GENJI: wait y do i have to do this?

JESSE: because i need to keep an eye on winston and because i told you to

GENJI: this doesnt seem entirely fair

_________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

GENJI: were getting jack drunk tonight  
GENJI: message passed along from jesse

REINHARDT: Do you remember what happened last time?

GENJI: completely  
GENJI: jesses just not taking no for an answer

REINHARDT: This isn't a good idea.

GENJI: he does have to stop being such a dick

REINHARDT: That may be true, but still.

GENJI: cmon rein pls?

REINHARDT: I'm not going to be able to do it on my own.  
REINHARDT: He's very alert.  
REINHARDT: He'll notice if I add something to his drink.

GENJI: ill distract him just make sure

REINHARDT: Understand in advance that I'm taking zero responsibility for what happens tonight.

GENJI: yeah yeah i get it

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

SOMBRA: isnt this fun?

WIDOWMAKER: I still don't see why I needed to come along with you.

SOMBRA: because they invited us and it wouldve been rude not to go

WIDOWMAKER: I think that I would've been better suited for Talon's Halloween Party.

SOMBRA: talon doesnt have a halloween party

WIDOWMAKER: _That's the point..._

SOMBRA: cmon stop being weird and just have fun

WIDOWMAKER: I am not capable of experiencing fun.

SOMBRA: but you are really capable of killing fun

WIDOWMAKER: Well yes, killing is what I was trained for.

SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: yeah well this was cool and all but im gonna go hang out with my girlfriend

WIDOWMAKER: Promise?

SOMBRA: stop being so boring and go do something

WIDOWMAKER: I'm here against my will.  
WIDOWMAKER: I refuse to cooperate.

SOMBRA: suit yourself

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

WIDOWMAKER: Judging by your facial expression, I assume you are here against your will as well.

HANZO: Unlike everyone else on this base, I prefer the comfort of a training room rather than the craziness that comes with the parties.

WIDOWMAKER: Sombra dragged me down here.  
WIDOWMAKER: I don't know why I didn't fight back.

HANZO: I don't even know why they invited you.  
HANZO: Even Reaper showed up and I'm absolutely stunned by it.

WIDOWMAKER: What in the world is your brother wearing?

HANZO: I...don't know.

WIDOWMAKER: He looks like a Power Ranger.

HANZO: I'm actually surprised that you even know what the Power Rangers are.

WIDOWMAKER: They've remade the series about twenty times in the last decade.  
WIDOWMAKER: It's very hard to not hear something about them.

HANZO: I'm just going to sit in this corner and wait for my opportunity to sneak away.

WIDOWMAKER: I will come join you.  
WIDOWMAKER: We can harshly criticize the other attendees together.

HANZO: I'll get Satya to join us.

_________________________

SOMBRA: jack is extremely drunk

MERCY: What have you done?

REINHARDT: I had nothing to do with this.

76: guyss  
76: guys  
76: i am so much drunk righmt now

LUCIO: yeah you got that right

MERCY: Reinhardt, how much did you let him drink?

REINHARDT: I didn't do anything.

GENJI: yeah it was me lol

MERCY: Genji...  
MERCY: You remember what happened last time.

GENJI: i do  
GENJI: but i still did it

D.VA: oh come on hes gotta learn to chill anyway

MCCREE: the last time i heard those words ana was locking reyes in the freezer

REAPER: _**Never speak of it again...**_

76: i loev qall of yuo yso smuch

LUCIO: is that english?

PHARAH: Close.  
PHARAH: It's drunk texting.

TRACER: someone translate please!

ANA: That was liaos job

MERCY: Well Liao isn't here right now so someone else needs to do it.

MCCREE: "i love all of you so much"

TRACER: we love you to jesse!

MCCREE: no stop  
MCCREE: im translating what jack said

TRACER: oh...  
TRACER: but we still love you!

76: jesses syuch ha good kdid

MCCREE: "jesses such a good kid"  
MCCREE: and youre damn right

REAPER: **How many fucking drinks did you give him?**

GENJI: enough

REAPER: **Give me a number.**

GENJI: i lost track after nine

REAPER: **Jesus Fucking Christ**  
REAPER: **You all know that he can't handle his alcohol.**

LUCIO: really?  
LUCIO: i couldnt tell

REAPER: **Are you reading the chat?**

LUCIO: sarcasm old man...

PHARAH: Well, in his defense, it's not easy to pick up over text.

REINHARDT: Can anyone really handle their alcohol after nine drinks?

ANA: U can

REINHARDT: YOU ARE CORRECT!

D.VA: this is the first time i think ive ever heard jack laugh

SOMBRA: you should hear the skype calls that him and reaper have then

REAPER: _**Sombra!**_

LUCIO: so what do we do about this?

GENJI: hey jack  
GENJI: do u like reyes?

76: i love gabae  
76: hes moy big flufyf octopus

MCCREE: "hes my big fluffy octopus"  
MCCREE: and holy fuck

REINHARDT: I don't even want to think about what that means.

LUCIO: i thought an octopus was slimy?

D.VA: im laughing really hard

MERCY: Those words should not be used in a sentence like this.

TRACER: gabe why are you the big fluffy octopus?

REAPER: **Stop this...**

ANA: I thought u were the cuddly teddy bear

REAPER: **Shut up, Ana.**

GENJI: okay i regret asking this question

LUCIO: i regret hearing this answer

D.VA: hey lena do you and emily have really weird names for each other?

EMILY: Not really.  
EMILY: Not to that level at least.

LUCIO: how did you even get here?

EMILY: Lena flew out to London to pick me up!  
EMILY: Thanks love! <3

TRACER: <3

GENJI: gay

76: gay

GENJI: go home jack ur drunk

76: no im not

MCCREE: youre a little drunk

76: fuck u

MERCY: Jack, please stop.

76: okay...

GENJI: we need to set the mood  
GENJI: someone turn down the lights  
GENJI: jack ur closest make urself useful

76: hfine cill dpo itv

MCCREE: "fine ill do it"  
MCCREE: WAIT JACK STOP THATS NOT THE LIGHT!

_________________________

**[WINSTON] has entered chatroom [HAPPY HALLOWEEN FUCKHEADS]**

WINSTON: _I gave you all one rule..._

GENJI: this is jacks fault

76: no its not

PHARAH: How is it possible that someone always manages to set off the alarm at the most inopportune times?

JUNKRAT: HEY AT LEAST IT WASNT ME THIS TIME

MCCREE: its been you 95 percent of the other times

JUNKRAT: IM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG

WINSTON: _I said no parties!_

ANA: U should have known better winston

WINSTON: I expect this kind of thing from you, and even Reinhardt.  
WINSTON: But you, Angela?

MERCY: I didn't authorize any of this.  
MERCY: I just wanted to have a good time.

WINSTON: I am extremely disappointed in all of you.

SOMBRA: stop being such a buzzkill

WINSTON: And you all somehow got poor Emily mixed up in this.

EMILY: I'm sorry, Winston.  
EMILY: I didn't know it was against the rules.

LUCIO: emilys literally the only good seed here

D.VA: thatll change pretty quick if she keeps hanging out with us

WINSTON: And why is Talon here?

GENJI: we invited them

WINSTON: _They are our enemies!_

MCCREE: well technically hana invited them

D.VA: oh so tracer can fly to fucking london to get emily but i cant invite my girlfriend to our halloween party?

WINSTON: _You weren't even allowed to have a Halloween Party!_

ANA: And look how many people followed that rule

WINSTON: Rules are put in place for a reason!

LUCIO: you know if you let us have fun every once and a while wed be a lot easier to deal with

WINSTON: Somehow, I doubt that.

PHARAH: That's not entirely wrong, Winston.

MERCY: They do act a little better when they're given some time off.  
MERCY: However little that difference might be.

HANZO: I just wanted to train.

GENJI: u train too much  
GENJI: live a little

HANZO: You have your ways of entertainment and I have mine.

WINSTON: Do any of you follow the rules?

MCCREE: oh quit crying winston  
MCCREE: i took the liberty of getting you a little something

**[attached photo: thesecretweapon.png]**

WINSTON: Are those...peanut butter cups?

MCCREE: as a matter of fact

WINSTON: I'll allow this to slide.  
WINSTON: For now.  
WINSTON: Just please don't do anything stupid.

GENJI: an attempt will be made

WINSTON: I guess that's better than nothing.

__________________________

REINHARDT: I have no words.

LUCIO: mistakes were made

76: My head hurts so bad.

GENJI: enjoy the hangover bitch

76: What even happened last night?

ANA: I think thats better left unsaid

MCCREE: lena what the hell were you thinking?

TRACER: i thought it would work!

GENJI: well it did work  
GENJI: but it also destroyed part of the garden

BASTION: (☉_☉)

MCCREE: you better apologize  
MCCREE: bastion loves that garden

TRACER: im sorry!  
TRACER: i thought if reinhardt put his shield up it wouldnt do as much damage

WINSTON: _I asked you to take it easy!_

LUCIO: oops

TRACER: it really only destroyed the rose bushes

MCCREE: those were bastions favorites

BASTION: (๑◕︵◕๑)

TRACER: AAAAA IM SO SORRY!!!  
TRACER: ILL GET NEW ONES I PROMISE

WINSTON: This is why I banned Halloween Parties in the first place.

MCCREE: at least no one got hurt this time

76: Speak for yourself.  
76: My head's killing me.

GENJI: u will survive  
GENJI: put some ice on it

MERCY: It doesn't work like that.

GENJI: its an expression dammit

D.VA: i still had fun tho

MCCREE: look at it this way  
MCCREE: theres always next year

WINSTON: At this rate, none of you will even still be in Overwatch next year.

LUCIO: if this is the price i must pay for entertainment then so be it

HANZO: I'm going back to the Practice Range.

GENJI: cool fucking story bro  
GENJI: u should never tell it again

HANZO: Agreed.  
HANZO: Instead, I'll just tell the story about how my younger brother lost to me in a fight.

GENJI: WOW

D.VA: this is the shit that i signed up for

REINHARDT: My, how the tides have turned, Genji.

SOMBRA: hanzo killed him once its only fitting that he does it again

76: Wait, who took this picture of me dancing with my shirt off?

MCCREE: best fucking party ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Early Halloween, Everybody! I thought I'd give you a chapter a day early because I have midterms to do and parties to attend tomorrow. Everyone stay safe and have fun! And most importantly, don't get blackout drunk and dance with your shirt off! Learn from the mistakes of Jack Morrison!


	21. insubordinate overwatch members anonymous

**11-7-20XX**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

WINSTON: Liao, what did you do?

LIAO: i swear it wasnt me winston

LACROIX: There are four people who could have done this.  
LACROIX: If it wasn't you, we'll find out who's responsible pretty quickly.

LIAO: if i tell you promise you wont be mad at me?

WINSTON: I'm already mad at you.

LIAO: BUT I JUST SAID IT WASNT ME

LACROIX: It doesn't matter.  
LACROIX: You always play a part in these things.

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

REYES: You have until the count of three to explain why I can see my breath.

MCCREE: why is it so fucking cold in here?

WINSTON: Ask Liao.

LIAO: _it wasnt me_

LACROIX: It gets harder and harder to believe you each day, Liao.

LIAO: i literally have no idea what happened  
LIAO: it was genji and ana ask them

WINSTON: Oh, for the love of...  
WINSTON: @GENJI @ANA

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

GENJI: what?

WINSTON: What did you do to the air conditioner?

GENJI: i didnt do anything  
GENJI: ive been in the dining hall all day

MCCREE: why though?  
MCCREE: can you even eat anything?

GENJI: i dont need to explain my business to u

LACROIX: On this base, your business is everyone else's business too.

GENJI: touche

LACROIX: é

GENJI: dont u start this shit with me rn

REYES: Who did it?  
REYES: It's way too fucking cold in here.

ANA: Oh it was me lol

WINSTON: _What did you do?_

ANA: I borrowed the snowball schematic from the ecopoint team and had torb build me a version of it.  
ANA: Then i just programmed it into the ac system so it just constantly pumps out cold air

LACROIX: Why?

ANA: Cause its funny to see everyone complain about the cold lol

REYES: Can we turn it off, please?

ANA: I dont know how

LIAO: how did you even turn it on?

ANA: I pressed a few buttons and hoped for the best

WINSTON: Why are you always doing this?  
WINSTON: One of you is always doing something wrong!

LIAO: were a troubled group of people

REYES: You're idiots is what you are.

MCCREE: mcfuckin rude

GENJI: could u stop doing that?

MCCREE: mcfuckin make me

GENJI: dont give me any ideas

LACROIX: Can we please fix the air conditioning?  
LACROIX: I may be French but that doesn't mean I'm immune to the cold.

LIAO: well i could prob stop it  
LIAO: but i dont think youd want that

REYES: Liao, my fingers are turning blue.  
REYES: If you can turn it off, do it.

LIAO: is that a direct order?

REYES: Yes.

LIAO: well then  
LIAO: before anyone yells at me  
LIAO: i was given permission for this

**[LIAO] went idle**

WINSTON: _LIAO, DON'T DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING._

LACROIX: I'm afraid it's too late for that, Winston.

ANA: Good job gabe

REYES: I'm not apologizing.  
REYES: I'm really cold.

MCCREE: depending on whats about to happen i think thats the least of your problems

REYES: He's not in Blackwatch.  
REYES: He's not my problem.

____________________________

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

MORRISON: What the hell happened to the Watchpoint?  
MORRISON: I went for a ten minute jog.

WINSTON: Ask Liao.

LIAO: hey reyes gave me a direct order

REYES: I'm honestly extremely disappointed in myself for not expecting this.

MCCREE: the cold really must have numbed your brain

MERCY: What did you do, Liao?

LIAO: k first of all  
LIAO: none of this was my fault

GENJI: fucking bullshit

LIAO: ok this was partly my fault

LACROIX: It's always partly your fault.

LIAO: shut up surrender monkey

LACROIX: Come now, there's no need for insults.

LIAO: okay so ana did something to the ac and it just kept pumping out really cold air  
LIAO: really cold  
LIAO: like super ultra frozen air

MERCY: Yes, it's cold.  
MERCY: I believe we established that.

LIAO: so reyes was complaining and he asked her to turn it off and obviously ana didnt know how

ANA: What do u mean by obviously?  
ANA: Are u trying to say that im dumb?

GENJI: lol

LIAO: not the time

ANA: Ur gonna have to explain urself eventually

LIAO: so i took it upon myself to fix the problem

MCCREE: blowing stuff up usually isnt a fix to a problem

LIAO: if thats what you believe

WINSTON: _Liao, we do not have the money or the resources to keep repairing things._

LIAO: bullshit weve got un backing

MORRISON: That doesn't mean that they'll just hand money out to us.

LIAO: well then i think we need to seriously reconsider this partnership

REYES: It'd be one thing if you just broke the air conditioning unit.  
REYES: You broke the central heating too.

MERCY: Liao...  
MERCY: It's the middle of November.  
MERCY: It gets very cold here.

LIAO: once again reyes gave me permission

REYES: I didn't give you permission to blow it up.

LIAO: you didnt specify so youre still to blame

WINSTON: I thought you knew better than this, Reyes.

REYES: Clearly I don't.  
REYES: I shouldn't be allowed in any position of power anymore.

MORRISON: The UN thought so too.

REYES: I'll kill you.

MORRISON: I'm kidding, you baby.

MCCREE: id be more than willing to take up command of blackwatch

REYES: I don't care what happens.  
REYES: You will never be in charge of Blackwatch.

MCCREE: :(

GENJI: yeah jesse he doesnt trust u  
GENJI: im clearly the better choice

REYES: You might actually be a worse choice.

GENJI: ouch  
GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: i need healing

MERCY: I need the central heating to work.

WINSTON: I need a vacation.

ANA: U had a vacation.  
ANA: Unsurprisingly that didnt go too well either

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

KIMIKO: What happened to the AC?

LIAO: it got attacked by a pack of rabid beavers

GENJI: do we even have beavers here?

MCCREE: those things are everywhere so it wouldnt surprise me

KIMIKO: Interesting.  
KIMIKO: Now what really happened to AC?

ANA: Liao blew it up

LIAO: WITH REYES' PERMISSION!

REYES: Once again.  
REYES: I never once said you could blow it up.

LIAO: you also never said that i couldnt blow it up

GENJI: hes got a point

REYES: I'm sorry, it seems to me that you were talking back to a superior.

GENJI: wait no

REYES: You know, in the army, we had punishment for that.

GENJI: pls

_________________________

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

REINHARDT: Is there any particular reason why Genji is running laps around the Watchpoint?

REYES: Insubordination.

MERCY: Reyes, it's four in the morning.

REYES: Justice doesn't have a curfew.

MCCREE: whatever you say batman

REYES: Do I sense insubordination?

MCCREE: are you really just going to do this now?

REYES: If this is what it takes to make you a law-abiding citizen, then yes.

MCCREE: i havent even done anything wrong

ANA: Yeah wheres liaos punishment for breaking everything?

LIAO: captain stop pls

REYES: Out of my hands, unfortunately.  
REYES: You'd have to take that up with Jack.

MORRISON: Liao, you're on cleaning duty for the next week.

LIAO: WHY THO?

MORRISON: I'm in charge.

ANA: What took u so long to do this?

MORRISON: I wasn't asked.

LIAO: this is cruel and unusual punishment

MORRISON: File a complaint.

LIAO: @WINSTON

WINSTON: He's in charge, Liao.

LIAO: NO FAIR

LACROIX: You have to learn your lesson somehow.

LIAO: american wine is the best wine

LACROIX: _Don't make me hurt you, Liao._

MCCREE: dont fuck with the frenchman liao hes a mean dude

LIAO: damn it why is this happening to me?

KIMIKO: Probably because you suck at keeping your mouth shut.

LIAO: I HAVE A DISEASE OKAY?

REINHARDT: Clearly.

MORRISON: You are a disease.

ANA: Rip liao

MCCREE: fucking

LIAO: im being bullied and i dont like it

REINHARDT: This is what you get for eating my meatballs.

LIAO: THAT WAS LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO!

REINHARDT: _IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FORGIVE YOU?_

LIAO: I EVEN MADE YOU MORE!

REINHARDT: _AND THEY WERE THE WORST THINGS I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF EATING._

ANA: Yeah liao u suck at cooking

REYES: He sucks in general.

LIAO: fuck off reyes i dont deserve this from you

REYES: I'm sorry.  
REYES: Was that...  
REYES: Insubordination?

LIAO: YOU CANT PUNISH ME IM NOT IN BLACKWATCH

MORRISON: For the next ten seconds, Reyes has executive control of Overwatch.

REYES: Liao, you will be joining Genji in running laps.

MORRISON: Reyes' control has been revoked.

LIAO: i cant believe you two

MCCREE: theyre dating what do you expect?

REYES: Care to repeat that statement, kid?

MCCREE: no sir

REYES: Smart.

MORRISON: Get to it, Liao.

LIAO: i think we need to have a very serious debate about the division of power in this organization.

REYES: _HOP TO IT!_

LIAO: BUT MY LEGS ARE TIRED

MORRISON: You have five seconds to join Genji otherwise I will be returning your bean bag chair to the store.

LIAO: YOU TWO ARE THE WORST OMG

______________________________

LIAO: i cant feel my legs

GENJI: i cant either  
GENJI: but mine arent real anyway

MORRISON: Now you two see how the Army does things.

MCCREE: this isnt the army though

REYES: Stop talking, kid.

MCCREE: oh look im just gonna observe this conversation and not contribute anything to it

MORRISON: See to it.

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

MIREMBE: Why is there a huge mess in the kitchen?

MERCY: Because Liao's on cleaning duty and we needed something for him to clean.

LIAO: I LITERALLY JUST GOT DONE RUNNING LAPS I CANT EVEN MOVE

MCCREE: mess aint gonna clean itself

LIAO: IN A MINUTE IM GONNA CLEAN YOU

ANA: Thats hot

GENJI: lol

MCCREE: well im flattered liao but i dont like you in that way

LIAO: THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT

LACROIX: You should probably go clean that up, Liao.  
LACROIX: Root Beer often makes the floor very sticky.

LIAO: GERARD I SERIOUSLY CANT MOVE

LACROIX: é

LIAO: GET OVER IT

REINHARDT: Who even made that mess?

WINSTON: I did.

LIAO: !!!  
LIAO: WHY???

WINSTON: Because if you're on cleaning duty, I need to make sure it's miserable for you.

LIAO: WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

REINHARDT: Eat my meatballs.

WINSTON: Eat my peanut butter

KIMIKO: Join Overwatch

REYES: Exist.

GENJI: rip

MCCREE: STOP

ANA: Get fucked liao

MORRISON: Go clean it up.

LIAO: but jack

MORRISON: _NOW!_

LIAO: FLDSJ:GHWGIUGHAFJ:G

**[LIAO] left chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

MIREMBE: That might have been a little harsh.

LACROIX: It's nothing that he can't handle.

REYES: You missed a majority of this conversation, Mirembe.  
REYES: Just understand that it was necessary.

MIREMBE: Somehow, I doubt that.

WINSTON: It was for the best, Mirembe.

MIREMBE: I guess I'll have to take your word for it, Winston.

MORRISON: Trust me, Liao had it coming.

MCCREE: oh hey imagine that

GENJI: yeah morrisons siding with reyes  
GENJI: weve never seen that happen before

REYES: ...  
REYES: Are you insulting your commanding officer?

MCCREE: possibly

GENJI: NO WAIT

REYES: _**INSUBORDINATION!!!**_

________________________

MCCREE: reyes when can we stop?

REYES: When you're both dead.

GENJI: i already am dead tho

REYES: Get deader.

REINHARDT: How does that even work?

REYES: Ask Genji when he figures it out.

MCCREE: this is an abuse of power

REYES: Questioning the decisions of a Commanding Officer, are we?

MCCREE: i didnt mean...

MERCY: I guess I'll need to prep the Medical Wing.

GENJI: fuck the medical wing

MCCREE: yeah just prep the morgue

REYES: _RUN FASTER!_

MCCREE: I CANT

REYES: _YOU'D BETTER TRY!_

__________________________

MIREMBE: Are they going to be okay?

MERCY: They'll be fine.  
MERCY: A little exercise isn't going to kill them.

REINHARDT: That was not a "little" exercise.

MERCY: They'll make it, Reinhardt.

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

TRACER: they clearly dont run enough!

LACROIX: I don't think anyone runs enough to make it through that.

TRACER: i do!

REYES: You want to test that theory?

TRACER: not really no!

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

LIAO: I CLEANED UP THE STUPID FUCKING MESS IN THE KITCHEN CAN I STOP NOW?

MORRISON: Go clean up the puke Jesse left in the Courtyard.

LIAO: BUT WHY?

MORRISON: You need to pay your dues, Liao.

LIAO: I THINK IVE PAID MORE THAN ENOUGH AT THIS POINT!

MERCY: _It's cold in here, Liao._  
MERCY: _It's going to take Torbjorn at least a week to fix the heat._

LIAO: I SAID I WAS SORRY

WINSTON: Just because you say sorry doesn't mean that it's okay.

LIAO: WHEN DOES ANA GET PUNISHED FOR RIGGING THE AC AGAIN?

ANA: In another life time.  
ANA: Unless of course u want to try and question the second in command of overwatch

LACROIX: That's a game I don't think you'd win Liao.

LIAO: GOD DAMN IT!

**[LIAO] left chatroom [GIVE ME HEAD UNTIL I'M DEAD]**

MORRISON: We need to abuse our power more often.

REINHARDT: I can give you several historical instances where abusing power went wrong.

REYES: Are you questioning a Superior?

REINHARDT: Do you want to die at the hands of a Crusader?

REYES: I'm just joking...

REINHARDT: I'm not.

ANA: Save it for the kids gabe  
ANA: The rest of us arent buying this shit

REYES: None of you would listen to me if I gave you an order?

KIMIKO: Nope.

LACROIX: Most likely not.

WINSTON: No.

TRACER: lol no

REYES: Alright fine.  
REYES: Guess I'll save it for the Blackwatch kids.

ANA: Do u think theyll ever learn that they really dont have to listen?

MIREMBE: For their sake, I hope they do.

LACROIX: But for our sake, I hope they don't.

REYES: None of you would have lasted a day in the Army.

KIMIKO: That's why we're in Overwatch, Reyes.

TRACER: yeah overwatch doesnt enforce the rules!

MORRISON: Do you want us to start?

REINHARDT: Once again.  
REINHARDT: Do _you_ want to die at the hands of a Crusader?

MORRISON: I still have some things I'd like to get done.

REINHARDT: Then I wouldn't even joke about these things.

REYES: Why are we not allowed to joke but all of you are?

MERCY: Like Lena said.  
MERCY: None of your jokes are funny.

REYES: You all have very different opinions on what constitutes "funny."

KIMIKO: Yeah we do.  
KIMIKO: But we do all know that you and Jack are _not_ funny.

LACROIX: Stick to commanding.

MORRISON: I was planning to.


	22. oh hey look its orisa

LUCIO: so whats this about a new member?

D.VA: do we even accept new members?

76: Who the hell is "we?"  
76: You don't have any executive power here.

D.VA: how come mccree and genji do but we dont?

76: Because they were part of the original team?  
76: They deserve some kind of acknowledgement for it.

MCCREE: oh hey is that jack supporting someone who isnt reyes?

GENJI: a rare sight indeed

76: I can revoke that power just as easily as I can grant it.

MCCREE: but you aint our commander anymore

GENJI: yeah u cant tell us what to do

76: I'm trying to help you here why are you both doing this?

GENJI: its done out of love

76: You sure have a funny way of showing it.

LUCIO: @WINSTON  
LUCIO: whats the deal with the new member??

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

WINSTON: I'm not going to go in detail with it, but the newest member of Overwatch is a redesigned OR-15 defense robot that goes by the name Orisa.

D.VA: another robot?

MCCREE: @BASTION  
MCCREE: looks like youve got yourself another friend partner

BASTION: ヽ(＾Д＾)ﾉ

TRACER: bastion youre too cute!

LUCIO: when is it getting here?

WINSTON: Orisa and her creator, Efi, won't be here for another few days.  
WINSTON: However, I'm going to add her to the chatroom now so she can get acquainted with everyone.

LUCIO: someone better warn her about how bad it gets in here

WINSTON: Efi is only eleven, Lucio.  
WINSTON: Please show some kind of restraint.

LUCIO: an attempt will be made

76: Good enough.

**[WINSTON] added [ORISA] to chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

GENJI: looks like winston forgot about the chat name

MCCREE: its been less than a second and weve already failed

MERCY: Wouldn't be the first time.

ORISA: Hello Everyone!

TRACER: hi!

GENJI: yo

LUCIO: hello hello

MCCREE: howdy

MERCY: Hello there.

76: Hey.

ORISA: It is so nice to finally meet all of you!  
ORISA: I am very excited to be a part of Overwatch!

LUCIO: thatll change pretty quickly

ORISA: Lucio!  
ORISA: I am a big fan of your music!

LUCIO: awesome!  
LUCIO: its always great to meet a fan

WINSTON: Orisa, this is our chatroom.  
WINSTON: You can communicate with other members here.

D.VA: or you can be permanently scarred by memes and gayness  
D.VA: whichever works

ORISA: I'm sure this will be a great experience for Efi and I!

GENJI: love the confidence

MCCREE: if only you knew

BASTION: ヽ(•‿•)ノ

ORISA: \\(◦'⌣'◦)/

TRACER: awwww

D.VA: emotes are adorable

ORISA: It was wonderful getting to talk to all of you!  
ORISA: Unfortunately, I must assist Efi right now.  
ORISA: I will be sure to talk to you all again soon!

**[ORISA] left chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

LUCIO: i almost feel bad

MERCY: What did you do now?

LUCIO: shes actually really nice and friendly  
LUCIO: and were going to corrupt her really hard

MERCY: Could you be a little less immature?

D.VA: lol no

76: This is another reason why you two don't hold any power here.

LUCIO: ill deal with it

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

MEI: I hate to bother you all, but I was wondering if I could get some help in the lab.

MCCREE: ill bet lucio would do it

LUCIO: youre not the boss of me

MCCREE: jack says i got power over you

LUCIO: i dont care

76: Go help.

LUCIO: lol no

MEI: Lucio, please?

LUCIO: well just cause you asked nicely

MEI: Thank you :)

LUCIO: ill be there in five minutes

MEI: Take your time.  
MEI: I have a few things I need to work on anyway.

76: Why do you listen to Mei and not us?

LUCIO: ive said no to mei before  
LUCIO: i still cant feel my toes

MCCREE: valid point

TRACER: i still have nightmares from that night she froze hana and i

MERCY: Don't hurt yourself this time.  
MERCY: I'm taking a break for the day.

D.VA: are you even allowed to do that?

MERCY: I'm in charge of the Medical Wing.  
MERCY: I decide what I'm allowed to do.

GENJI: i need healing

MERCY: Take a number and I'll set up an appointment.

GENJI: i might be dead by then

MCCREE: never stopped you before

GENJI: @HANZO

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

HANZO: Really?  
HANZO: We're really going to start this again?

GENJI: i havent done it in weeks the joke was overdue

HANZO: The joke was overdue the first time you did it.  
HANZO: Every time after that was unnecessary.

GENJI: debatable

HANZO: This is why I lock myself in the practice range all day.

GENJI: u do that because ur unsocial and boring

HANZO: And because you're all horribly immature.

GENJI: not true

MERCY: Very true.

GENJI: ...fine

HANZO: Don't let this happen again or else I will finish the job this time around.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

GENJI: uh jack he just threatened me  
GENJI: what r u going to do about it?

76: Absolutely nothing.

GENJI: but y?

76: I'm not responsible for you.

LUCIO: yes you are

76: Would you go help Mei, already?

LUCIO: maybe

_____________________

**[ZARYA] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BREAKS]**

LUCIO: NO  
LUCIO: STOP  
LUCIO: HELP ME

ZARYA: Hold still puny child

MCCREE: what the hell are yall doin now?

MEI: I'm testing something.

LUCIO: PLEASE STOP HER

76: What are you testing?

MEI: It's...complicated to explain  
MEI: Just know that it's not anything dangerous

76: Fine with me.

LUCIO: JACK HELP ME PLS

ZARYA: Stop struggling

76: Just make sure he's in shape for the mission and you can do whatever you need.

MEI: You have my word.

LUCIO: WHY ARENT YOU HELPING ME?

76: Because I don't care.

LUCIO: CAN SOMEONE HELP?

MCCREE: im a little busy

GENJI: no

D.VA: sry im trying to stream

ZARYA: Biting me will not make me let go  
ZARYA: It will only cause me to hold tighter

MEI: Lucio, just hold still.

LUCIO: S.O.S.  
LUCIO: MAYDAY

MERCY: Sorry, Medical Wing is currently undergoing maintence.  
MERCY: Will return within the hour.

LUCIO: OMG WHY ARE YOU ALL LIKE THIS?

76: Now you can see what it's like from the other side.

TRACER: now you see what its like to be ignored luv!

LUCIO: LASJG:LEHG:NSEGEGNV

___________________

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

REINHARDT: Why was Lucio screaming?

MEI: He was helping me with an experiment.

REINHARDT: What experiment were you working on that made him scream like that?

MEI: He was mostly screaming because Zarya was holding him down.

ZARYA: That boy is a baby

MCCREE: is he alive?

MEI: He's fine.

GENJI: what did u do to him?

MEI: It was nothing dangerous.

REINHARDT: Could've fooled me with the way he was screaming.

MEI: It's fine, Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: It better be.  
REINHARDT: I was in the middle of watching a movie.

MCCREE: was it one of those terrible saw movies that ana seems to like so much?

REINHARDT: Possibly.

TRACER: ew those movies are so gross!

MCCREE: those movies are just bad

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

ANA: Dont insult my movie tastes jesse  
ANA: At least i dont watch the same western films every day

MCCREE: ana youre a sadistic maniac for liking those movies

ANA: I thought everyone knew that already

GENJI: jesse she killed a squirrel with a rocket launcher  
GENJI: we all know that shes insane

ANA: That thing shouldnt have tried to eat from the bird feeder

MCCREE: you blew up the bird feeder though

ANA: A casualty of war

MERCY: You scared the hummingbirds away.  
MERCY: They were so pretty.

ANA: I have no regrets

MEI: I liked those hummingbirds.  
MEI: Reyes used to send me pictures of them all the time.

MCCREE: get out

GENJI: no he did not

MEI: He did.  
MEI: Every week he sent a new batch of photos to me.  
MEI: They were beautiful.

MCCREE: @REAPER  
MCCREE: I THOUGHT YOU HATED THOSE THINGS

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

REAPER: **_Mei..._**  
REAPER: _**I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about this.**_

MEI: Things change, I'm afraid.

REAPER: **God damn it.**

MCCREE: you said every day how much you hated the birds and you sent mei pictures of them anyway?

REAPER: **I did hate those birds...**

76: No he didn't.

REAPER: _**Jack, shut up!**_

76: He always told me how pretty he thought they were.

REAPER: **No I didn't!**

76: And then when Ana blew up the bird feeder and they never came back, he cried about it for two days.

REAPER: **I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE!**

76: So did I.  
76: And then you blew up the Swiss Headquarters.

REAPER: **IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!**

ANA: Great more marriage counseling

REAPER: **We're not married!**

ANA: U dont solve problems by blowing things up gabe

MCCREE: you should talk

ANA: Quiet

REINHARDT: Can we not do this now?  
REINHARDT: I want to finish the movie.

GENJI: ur both sick

ANA: We knew this

MCCREE: hope youre not too sick cause the med bay is closed

MERCY: It'll be open again soon.  
MERCY: I have some stuff I need to do.

GENJI: "some stuff"  
GENJI: is that fareehas nickname now?

MERCY: _Genji..._

ANA: U better be treating my daughter right ziegler

MERCY: Do you think that I'm not?

ANA: I can never tell with u  
ANA: I feel like u act a lot nicer than u are

MCCREE: no thats mei

MEI: I'm plenty nice.  
MEI: Until you push me.

ZARYA: I can confirm  
ZARYA: Do not make her angry and you will live another day

LUCIO: can also confirm

D.VA: oh hey youre alive

LUCIO: yeah im good lol  
LUCIO: word of advice tho  
LUCIO: if mei tells you to do something  
LUCIO: just do it

GENJI: this is common knowledge

76: I thought you knew that already.

LUCIO: i tried to push my luck  
LUCIO: i mightve gotten away with it if zarya wasnt there

ZARYA: You deserved it

LUCIO: i dont think so but okay

MEI: Thanks for the help, Lucio.

LUCIO: im not helping you with anything ever again

MEI: We'll see about that.  
MEI: :-)

LUCIO: whatd i miss?

MCCREE: ana and angela arguing

MERCY: We weren't arguing.

ANA: Yeah we were  
ANA: Treat my daughter right ziegler

MERCY: Where is this coming from?  
MERCY: You've never had this problem before.

ANA: I just got a feeling  
ANA: Mothers intuition

MERCY: I think your intuition is leading you astray.

ANA: Was that an insult?

GENJI: no stop

MERCY: It wasn't intended as one.

ANA: Well i took it as one

MERCY: Ana, please.

ANA: I get the feeling that u think im overbearing

MERCY: I don't.

ANA: I bet u think im dumb too

MERCY: Ana, stop.

MCCREE: genji holy fuck wheres the popcorn?

GENJI: im getting to it

ANA: Im just trying to be a good mother u wouldnt understand

MERCY: Oh, you're Fareeha's mom?

76: Duh.

MERCY: That's a little weird, actually.

MCCREE: NO WAIT ANGELA STOP

MERCY: Because Fareeha calls me mommy, too.  
MERCY: *dabs*

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] left chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

LUCIO: IM FUCKING CRYING

D.VA: OMG NO

GENJI: did she just write out the word dab?  
GENJI: is this 2015?

REINHARDT: I'm so proud.  
REINHARDT: But I'm also very afraid.

ANA: ...

76: Ana...  
76: Before you do anything.  
76: Just calm down.

MCCREE: no jack  
MCCREE: this is now war

ANA: Im gonna clip that angels wings and then drop her out of a plane

TRACER: make sure fareeha doesnt have her raptora suit then!

ANA: ...

**[ANA AMARI] left chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

LUCIO: should we do something?

REINHARDT: I would recommend not to.  
REINHARDT: Ana and Angela are both adults.  
REINHARDT: They'll find a good way to handle this.

76: I wouldn't be too sure.

REAPER: **Angela's an adult.**  
REAPER: **Ana's a child in an adult's body.**

GENJI: if angela dies can she rez herself?

MCCREE: id rather not have to test that theory

D.VA: we might have to  
D.VA: i have a feeling this is going to be really bad

________________________

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [THE FUCK TRAIN HAS NO BRAKES]**

PHARAH: Are you done?

ANA: She had this coming

MERCY: I was making a joke, Ana.

ANA: It wasnt funny

PHARAH: Both of you, stop.  
PHARAH: I've had to restrain Angie a few times.  
PHARAH: I never once thought I'd have to restrain my own mother.

GENJI: oh shes angie now?

PHARAH: _Not_ the time.

MCCREE: is anyone hurt?

LUCIO: since when do you care?

MCCREE: since i accidentally shot myself in the foot and need medical attention like now

MERCY: What in the world are we going to do with you?

MCCREE: youve dealt with me for this long  
MCCREE: what more can you do at this point?

TRACER: arent you like the best shot on base?

LUCIO: yeah how do you accidentally shoot yourself?

MCCREE: i was doing the gunspinning thing and my finger hit the trigger on accident

D.VA: lol fail

MERCY: I guess I'll reopen the medical wing now.  
MERCY: Get down there as quickly as you can.

MCCREE: fine

ANA: This isnt over ziegler

PHARAH: No, it's most definitely over.

ANA: Im just looking out for u

PHARAH: There are better ways to look out for someone than this.

ANA: debatable

MCCREE: my foot hurts

76: So does my head.  
76: For having to deal with all of you.

D.VA: rude

LUCIO: not wrong tho

MERCY: We used to be the most respected organization in the World...  
MERCY: How did we get to this point?

REAPER: **The Petras Act probably had a lot to do with it.**

MERCY: Shut up.

REAPER: **No.**  
REAPER: **You ruined me I have the right to be angry about it.**

LUCIO: but youre angry about everything tho

REAPER: **It's justified.**

GENJI: no it isnt

REAPER: **Shut up.**

GENJI: never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Orisa finally makes her brief appearance. We almost have all the characters somewhere in the story. Despite what I've said, Doomfist will make an appearance at one point. As for Moira, I have no fucking clue if I'm going to do anything with Moira. Dammit Blizzard stop adding so many characters you're messing up my mojo.


	23. overwatch gets a pet (or thirty)

MCCREE: winstons gonna kill you

TRACER: he wont if he doesnt find out!  
TRACER: _AND HES NOT GOING TO FIND OUT RIGHT?_

GENJI: were not gonna tell him  
GENJI: but hes totally gonna find out

LUCIO: idk how you expect to hide a baby elephant from him

MCCREE: where the fuck did you buy a baby elephant?

TRACER: amazon!

GENJI: amazon is certainly reaching new heights

LUCIO: well they basically own the internet what do you expect?

D.VA: can i pet him?

TRACER: of course!  
TRACER: hes super friendly!

LUCIO: what are you going to name him?

TRACER: reginald t mcelephantface XVI!

MCCREE: christ

GENJI: what happened to the previous 15 reginald t mcelephantfaces?

TRACER: smallpox!

LUCIO: im dying

D.VA: smallpox?

MCCREE: isnt smallpox basically extinct?

GENJI: apparently not if ur any of the last 15 mcelephantfaces

D.VA: someone better protect the 16th

TRACER: dont worry he got his shots!

MCCREE: he better hope so  
MCCREE: otherwise hes in for a rough one

ANA: What r all of u doing?

GENJI: playing foosball

REINHARDT: I thought Winston banned Foosball after the Dragon Ball Incident?

D.VA: that was mostly hanzos fault

LUCIO: that was entirely hanzos fault

GENJI: i gave u all a fair warning and none of u listened

LUCIO: yeah we have a problem

REINHARDT: I'm very upset with him.  
REINHARDT: I enjoyed playing Foosball.

MCCREE: so did the entire base

ANA: Stop changing the subject what r the five of u doing?

D.VA: technically lenas the only one whos doing something

TRACER: i bought a baby elephant online!

ANA: U what now?

REINHARDT: _Can I pet him?????_

TRACER: of course!

REINHARDT: _I'll be right there!_

ANA: How exactly do u expect to hide this from winston?  
ANA: Or jack?

MCCREE: it doesnt matter  
MCCREE: we all know hes gonna find out

D.VA: sombra promised to filter out the chat so jack and winston dont see it

SOMBRA: thats about all i can do about this  
SOMBRA: i have no way of preventing them from actually seeing the elephant on base

GENJI: were gonna get caught

TRACER: no were not!

MCCREE: were totally gonna get caught

ANA: yeah no ur definitely gonna get caught

REINHARDT: _HE'S SO CUTE!!!_

TRACER: ik right?!?!?

REINHARDT: _WE NEED MORE!_

LUCIO: no we dont

REINHARDT: _I'M BUYING MORE!_

D.VA: yeah were absolutely gonna get caught

MCCREE: hey we had nothin to do with this it was all lena

TRACER: no regrets!

_________________________

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [BIG, SCARY, AND PINK!]**

76: What the fuck did you do?

MCCREE: it was lena

TRACER: no it was reinhardt!

REINHARDT: _THEY'RE ALL...SO...CUTE!_

ANA: Yeah u shouldnt have introduced reinhardt to the elephant  
ANA: He loves animals more than an average man should

76: There's like thirty of them...  
76: Where did they all come from?

LUCIO: apparently amazon

76: What kind of shit is Amazon doing nowadays?

D.VA: apparently selling zoo animals

76: How the fuck did you even get them all here?

TRACER: they got delivered by drones!

76: ...What the fuck?

GENJI: how tho?

ANA: What kind of drones can deliver elephants within hours?

D.VA: its 2076 grandma  
D.VA: anything is possible in this date and time

76: Why did you do this?

REINHARDT: _THEY'RE_  
REINHARDT: _SO_  
REINHARDT: _CUTE!_

76: It's not going to be cute when Winston fires all of you.

MCCREE: please he aint gonna fire us  
MCCREE: hell just yell at us for a few minutes then shake his head and mumble on about how the recall was a mistake

LUCIO: pretty much

GENJI: reinhardt how many did u buy?

REINHARDT: _47..._

76: Jesus Fucking Christ.  
76: What were you thinking?

ANA: He probably wasnt  
ANA: U know how much that man loves his animals jack

76: Yeah but 47 baby elephants?  
76: How the hell do you expect to hide this from Winston?

REINHARDT: Who says I'm going to hide them?

MCCREE: is no one else curious as to how amazon drones delivered 47 baby elephants within two hours?

D.VA: i told you its 2076  
D.VA: literally anything is possible

LUCIO: except for hiding all these elephants from winston

D.VA: true even thats not possible

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [BIG, SCARY, AND PINK!]**

**[ROADHOG] entered chatroom [BIG, SCARY, AND PINK!]**

JUNKRAT: IDK WHO DID THIS BUT I LOVE U MATE!

ROADHOG: i dont understand how you keep pulling stuff like this off

LUCIO: winstons bad at stopping us

ROADHOG: i feel like hes doesnt even try anymore

TRACER: he doesnt!

76: Absolutely unreal.

GENJI: i want one

MCCREE: theres 47 of them everyones gonna get one

76: I don't even want one.

TRACER: youre getting one anyway!  
TRACER: theres too many to go around!

JUNKRAT: I WANT ONE TOO

LUCIO: just dont blow it up

JUNKRAT: I WOULD NEVER

ROADHOG: yes you would

JUNKRAT: I WOULDNT HURT AN ANIMAL

ROADHOG: tell that to the kangaroos outside junkertown

JUNKRAT: THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT AND YOU KNOW IT

ROADHOG: that doesnt change anything

D.VA: im not letting you have an elephant if youre gonna hurt it

JUNKRAT: IM NOT GOING TO HURT IT

GENJI: until u prove otherwise i agree with hana

JUNKRAT: ROADIE WILL VOUCH FOR ME

ROADHOG: no i wont

JUNKRAT: YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE

ROADHOG: can you point out to me where exactly that is written?

JUNKRAT: OMG

76: Yeah, having baby elephants might sound fun.  
76: But what exactly are you planning to do when they all grow up?

LUCIO: one problem at a time

D.VA: well open a circus and have them perform tricks

ANA: Good luck with that

REINHARDT: _THEY'RE...SO...CUTE!_

GENJI: are we even going to name all of these elephants?  
GENJI: i dont think they can all be part of the mcelephantface family

LUCIO: im naming mine dumbo

D.VA: NO FAIR I WAS GONNA DO THAT

LUCIO: too slow

76: _Don't name them we're not keeping them._

REINHARDT: _Yes we absolutely are._  
REINHARDT: _Unless you'd like to challenge a crusader._

ANA: Jack dont do it

MCCREE: remember what happened to liao

LUCIO: what are you going to name yours roadhog?

ROADHOG: ...  
ROADHOG: peter

D.VA: thats so basic

LUCIO: im actually laughing really hard at it tho lmao

76: Once again...  
76: We're not keeping them.

REINHARDT: _Over my dead body!_

MCCREE: how the fuck did you even afford all of them?  
MCCREE: baby elephants arent cheap

TRACER: winstons card!

GENJI: come on jesse did u really not think of that?

MCCREE: fuck thats right  
MCCREE: why has he not hidden that card in another dimension yet?

LUCIO: hes tried

TRACER: were just really good at finding it!

76: How much did one individual elephant cost?

TRACER: 15,000!

76: Christ.  
76: That's ridiculous.

SOMBRA: hate to interrupt but i see winston on the camera  
SOMBRA: someone wasnt paying attention to that last elephant

REINHARDT: _NO, MY CHILD!_  
REINHARDT: _I WILL SAVE YOU!_

ANA: Lmao ur all so dead

LUCIO: we didnt even do anything it was lena and reinhardt

76: It doesn't matter.  
76: We're all going to be blamed to some extent.

GENJI: bring it

______________________

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [BIG, SCARY, AND PINK!]**

WINSTON: Who is responsible for this?

LENA: me!

WINSTON: Lena...  
WINSTON: Why?

LENA: we needed pets on base so i bought a baby elephant?

WINSTON: How?

TRACER: amazon of course!

WINSTON: What in the world has Amazon evolved into?

76: That's the same thing I wanted to know.

WINSTON: How many did you even buy?

TRACER: just one luv!

WINSTON: Then where did all these other ones come from?

ANA: Ask reinhardt

REINHARDT: _I will not apologize._

WINSTON: How many did you buy?

REINHARDT: 47.

WINSTON: Oh my heavens.

MCCREE: yeah its bad

WINSTON: We can't keep them all here.

GENJI: but y tho?

WINSTON: The Watchpoint is barely large enough for the team.  
WINSTON: There's no way we can house 47 elephants and also afford to care for them.  
WINSTON: They need to go.

REINHARDT: _You will not take Patty away from me._

76: _Stop naming them._

REINHARDT: _NO!_

TRACER: but reginald t mcelephantface XVI needs a good home!

WINSTON: I will find him one that is not here.

REINHARDT: _But they're so cute..._

WINSTON: I don't care.  
WINSTON: We're getting rid of them.

REINHARDT: **_Tyranny!_**

WINSTON: How did you even afford them?

ANA: Ill give u three guesses

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Reinhardt, I swear.

REINHARDT: _I'm still not apologizing._

WINSTON: _STOP USING MY CARD!_  
WINSTON: _THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS WE NEED THAT MONEY FOR._

REINHARDT: _THESE ELEPHANTS ARE IMPORTANT!_

76: No they're not.

REINHARDT: _NO ONE ASKED YOU!_

WINSTON: The decision is final, Reinhardt.  
WINSTON: I'm sending out calls to have them removed.

LUCIO: nooooo

D.VA: can we get a dog then?

WINSTON: No.

GENJI: ur so evil

WINSTON: Deal with it.

_____________________

REINHARDT: I'm incredibly upset.

WINSTON: In time, I'm sure you'll come to forgive me.

ANA: Doubtful

WINSTON: If you're all done here, I must get back to work.

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [BIG, SCARY, AND PINK!]**

GENJI: why cant we have nice things?

MCCREE: because yall keep using winstons card

LUCIO: ITS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE OPEN WTF DO YOU THINK IS GONNA HAPPEN?

TRACER: i cant believe he took reginald t. mcelephantface XVI from me :(

REINHARDT: Oh, Winston actually took him from you?

TRACER: ...yeah?

MCCREE: reinhardt dont you dare

REINHARDT: whoops

**[attached image: meetmynewfriend.png]**

76: How?

LUCIO: lmao

D.VA: how tf did you manage to hide that from winston?

REINHARDT: Carefully!

GENJI: so what happens when winston finds out u still have an elephant?

REINHARDT: He won't find out.  
REINHARDT: _And none of you will tell him._  
REINHARDT: _Because you will be dead before you get the chance..._

76: Why can't you all put this kind of effort into your missions?

LUCIO: lack of motivation

ANA: We dont even go on good missions anymore its all stupid now

76: Unbelievable.

MCCREE: this is why we shouldve gotten a dog  
MCCREE: its a lot easier to take care of than a fucking elephant

REINHARDT: _Don't you insult Patty._

76: Zarya's allergic to dogs.

MCCREE: she doesnt even leave the gym anymore its fine

ANA: Dogs are the superior pet

REINHARDT: _Stop insulting Patty._

LUCIO: shes not wrong

D.VA: i like bunnies

MCCREE: were not getting bunnies  
MCCREE: they multiply

D.VA: more bunnies equals more fun!

GENJI: and more work

76: Yeah and I know how much all of you hate extra work.

LUCIO: rude

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: what the hell was that?

REINHARDT: _THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T INSULT PATTY BECAUSE NOW SHE'S BREAKING DOWN WALLS!_

76: This is exactly why you're not supposed to have pets on base.

TRACER: remember when we thought we were gonna keep this a secret from winston?

GENJI: yeah those were the days

REINHARDT: _HE'S NOT TAKING PATTY FROM ME!_

MCCREE: would you be willing to bet on that?

REINHARDT: _LEAVE HER ALONE!_

ANA: When u think about it this is really winstons fault

76: ...How?

LUCIO: he didnt find all the elephants  
LUCIO: his carelessness is the root of all problems

76: I don't think that's right.

D.VA: seriously tho how do you miss an elephant?  
D.VA: it really is more his fault than anyones

76: Maybe next time, don't buy them?

TRACER: lol yeah right :)

MCCREE: REINHARDT IF THAT FUCKING ELEPHANT BREAKS DOWN MY DOOR ILL GET RID OF IT MYSELF

REINHARDT: DON'T YOU DARE!

MCCREE: IT'S ALMOST HIGH NOON!

REINHARDT: NO PLEASE STOP!

ANA: This isnt going to end well

GENJI: ill get the popcorn

LUCIO: better hurry  
LUCIO: this is gonna be good

76: I can't believe any of you.

D.VA: you should be used to it at this point

76: I don't think anyone could get used to you people.

ANA: Admit it  
ANA: This is better than being a vigilante

76: It's really not.

LUCIO: dont lie

MCCREE: IM SERIOUS REINHARDT

REINHARDT: SHE'S JUST A BABY LEAVE HER ALONE!

D.VA: someone better get this on camera

SOMBRA: i got it dont worry

76: Maybe I would've been better off if the explosion in Switzerland actually did kill me.

ANA: I know we all wouldve been

76: Wow.

ANA: Im just kidding

76: I really can't tell with you anymore.

ANA: U love me

76: If that's what you believe.

LUCIO: just admit it

76: Never.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that's right. They bought fucking elephants. No wonder Winston's losing his mind.


	24. happy thanksgiving from Overwatch

**11-24-20XX**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [LITTLE HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

MORRISON: Can we, for once, have a normal Thanksgiving Dinner?

LIAO: lol no

MORRISON: Please?  
MORRISON: You're all unbearable for the other 364 days of the year.  
MORRISON: I think you can be normal for one day.

ANA: Why r we celebrating thanksgiving?  
ANA: Thats an american thing

MORRISON: Well yeah, I'm American.

ANA: So?

MORRISON: And so is Gabe  
MORRISON: And Jesse  
MORRISON: And Winston technically.

LIAO: winstons a fucking gorilla from the moon

MORRISON: And that means that he can't celebrate Thanksgiving?

ANA: U know the reason we all act this way is because u try and force ur stupid holidays on us

MORRISON: How is Thanksgiving stupid?  
MORRISON: You people get free food.

LIAO: thats literally the only good thing about it

ANA: not when reinhardts cooking

REINHARDT: You stop insulting my German Cuisine.

ANA: no

REINHARDT: You people have no taste.

LIAO: beg to differ

MORRISON: It won't kill you to behave for one day.

LIAO: it might

MORRISON: Just don't ruin it like you did last year.

ANA: That was jesses fault

LIAO: its always jesses fault

MORRISON: Jesse said it was you, Liao.

LIAO: fucking shocker

ANA: It was jesse jack

MORRISON: God Damn that kid.

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

MCCREE: commander i swear it wasnt me

LIAO: it was him

MCCREE: shut up liao  
MCCREE: dont make me get the note

LIAO: YOU STILL HAVE THAT?

MCCREE: of course i do  
MCCREE: blackmail is my specialty after all

LIAO: DONT YOU FUCKING DARE

MCCREE: dont tempt fate

MORRISON: What are you talking about?

LIAO: ITS NOTHING JACK SHUT UP

ANA: Lmao i cant wait until this one gets out

REINHARDT: This is exactly why we can never have a normal dinner, Jack.

MORRISON: How in the world did any of you get selected to join Overwatch?

LIAO: were all literally founding members except for jesse

MCCREE: rude

ANA: Its not wrong

MCCREE: but you dont have to rub it in

ANA: Its not our fault ur a criminal

MCCREE: everyone makes mistakes

LIAO: yeah and ours was putting you in blackwatch

MORRISON: Enough.  
MORRISON: We're having Thanksgiving dinner and that's final.  
MORRISON: Behave or you're fired.

ANA: Sure thing donald

REINHARDT: He doesn't even know who that is.

MORRISON: I'm not much younger than you are, Reinhardt.

LIAO: you cant make me behave

MORRISON: Are you sure?  
MORRISON: Or do I have to tell Reinhardt about what really happened to his sandwich?

LIAO: JACK NO

REINHARDT: ...What are you saying?

MORRISON: Behave Liao.

LIAO: FINE

MORRISON: It's nothing, Reinhardt.

MCCREE: liao do you ever fucking learn?

LIAO: not really no

ANA: Jack this isnt going to go well

MORRISON: I don't care.  
MORRISON: It's happening.

REINHARDT: I'll cook.

MCCREE: no

LIAO: not again

ANA: Reinhardt ur the best but ur cooking is awful

REINHARDT: None of you know what good cooking is.

LIAO: we know that its not you

REINHARDT: Rude.

____________________

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroon [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

KIMIKO: We're not actually doing this again, are we?

REYES: Why are you people all so anti-holiday?

LIAO: prob for the same reason that youre so anti fun

REYES: I am not anti-fun...

MCCREE: yeah you are

REYES: Quiet, kid.

MORRISON: We're not anti-fun.  
MORRISON: What you all do isn't fun, it's destructive and stupid.

ANA: And we find that to be fun

REYES: And that's why I'm anti-fun.

WINSTON: Why do none of you want to have Thanksgiving Dinner?  
WINSTON: It's a wonderful time.

MERCY: Maybe it's wonderful when you're not in Overwatch.

KIMIKO: Or when Reinhardt's not the only one who cooks.

REINHARDT: Is there something you'd like to say?

LIAO: youre cooking sucks

REINHARDT: _BLASPHEMY!_

REYES: It's really not good, Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: Why must you all be so cruel?

WINSTON: I personally enjoy his cooking.

REINHARDT: Thank you!

MCCREE: youre literally the only one

MERCY: German food is very similar to Swiss cuisine and even I can't stand it.

REINHARDT: I can't help you if you have no taste buds.

ANA: This is why no one wants thanksgiving dinner

MORRISON: Deal with it.

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

GENJI: whatd i miss?

MCCREE: thanksgiving

GENJI: again?

REYES: Yes, again.

GENJI: r we going to do this every year?

MORRISON: Well, Thanksgiving is a yearly holiday, so yes.

LIAO: lets put it to a vote

KIMIKO: All those for Thanksgiving dinner, say aye.

MORRISON: Aye.

REYES: Aye.

GENJI: oh hey look  
GENJI: reyes and morrison both agreed on something

LIAO: this has never happened before in the history of ever

MORRISON: Shut up or I throw out all of the Pepsi.

LIAO: IM SORRY

MCCREE: aye  
MCCREE: as long as someone else cooks

REINHARDT: I can't believe you people.

KIMIKO: And all who oppose?

ANA: Everyone on base not named jack gabe or jesse

GENJI: someone get the frenchman in here  
GENJI: @GERARD

**[G **É** RARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

LACROIX: Someone called?

GENJI: should we do thanksgiving again this year or not?

LACROIX: Is Reinhardt going to cook?

REINHARDT: Is this really happening to me?

LACROIX: I'm sorry, Reinhardt.  
LACROIX: But I'm not really a fan of your cooking.

REINHARDT: At least you're polite about it.

LACROIX: It's certainly not the worst thing I've ever tasted.  
LACROIX: After all, I remember Jesse's Apple Pie.

MCCREE: were not really going there again

ANA: That wasnt an apple pie  
ANA: That was charcoal just disguised as an apple pie

MCCREE: i didnt know how to cook at first

LIAO: jesse who the fuck told you it was a good idea to nuke a fucking apple pie?

MCCREE: im not talking about this right now

KIMIKO: Well, as the votes stand...  
KIMIKO: We're not having Thanksgiving Dinner.

LIAO: eat shit jack

MORRISON: You're forgetting, Kimiko.  
MORRISON: I'm in charge here.  
MORRISON: My vote counts as five.

LACROIX: How long as that rule been in place?

MORRISON: Since I just implemented it.  
MORRISON: Is that alright, Gérard?

LACROIX: I have no further complaints.

MORRISON: Wonderful.

ANA: Well im second in command my vote counts as three

REYES: And I'm in command of Blackwatch.  
REYES: My vote counts double.

LIAO: no fair

MORRISON: We can do this all day.

ANA: Fine u win  
ANA: For now

REYES: Good.  
REYES: We're having dinner tomorrow.  
REYES: Reinhardt, you may help cook if you please.

REINHARDT: I am perfectly fine with this development.

LIAO: im gonna boycott this fucking dinner if hes cooking

MORRISON: You're coming and that's final.

LIAO: make me

MORRISON: This is not a game you want to play.

ANA: No liao keep talking

MORRISON: I know where you hid the cookies.

LIAO: GODDAMMIT STOP THREATENING ME WITH MY OWN FOOD

MORRISON: You're coming.

LIAO: FUCK

_________________________

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

MIREMBE: Jack, you knew this was going to happen.

MORRISON: I'm going to shoot every single one of you.

LIAO: YOU WERE WARNED

ANA: Idk why u thought this was going to end well

MCCREE: i just wanted food dammit

REYES: Maybe I shouldn't have let Reinhardt cook.

REINHARDT: Absolutely none of this is my fault.

GENJI: i blame lena

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

TRACER: i didnt do anything!

MCCREE: i saw you throw the mashed potatoes at liao

TRACER: !!!  
TRACER: you cant prove it!

MCCREE: sure i can  
MCCREE: just look at liaos face for proof

LIAO: its not even like these are good mashed potatoes they taste like sneakers

REINHARDT: Kimiko made those.

KIMIKO: Alright, fuck you too Liao.

MORRISON: I asked for one fucking thing.  
MORRISON: And you can't even give me that.

MERCY: This is Overwatch, Jack.  
MERCY: You should've expected this.

MORRISON: God fucking damn it.

WINSTON: This stuffing is actually quite good, Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: THANK YOU, MY FRIEND!

LACROIX: I agree.  
LACROIX: I'm pleasantly surprised, Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: I told you I know how to cook.

LIAO: no you dont

REINHARDT: _KEEP PUSHING ME, LIAO._  
REINHARDT: _SEE WHAT HAPPENS!_

REYES: The food was actually really good this year.  
REYES: As for everyone else, I can't say the same.

MCCREE: i didnt even do nothing wrong

REYES: I'm mostly talking about Liao, Ana, and Genji.  
REYES: You know, the Usual Suspects.

ANA: No shame

LIAO: fuck you

GENJI: idk why ur making me do this i can hardly eat as it is

MIREMBE: Can we ever have a civilized dinner?

TRACER: nope!

WINSTON: Apparently not.

MORRISON: Yeah well, here's what's going to happen now.  
MORRISON: Liao, Genji, and Lena will be responsible for cleaning up the mess in the dining hall.  
MORRISON: Liao will also be solely responsible for getting the food stains out of everyone's clothes.

LIAO: why tho?

MORRISON: And if you don't do it, Liao.  
MORRISON: I will cancel your Spotify subscription.

LIAO: WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN????

MORRISON: It's part of the job description.

LACROIX: It's a very simple process, Liao.  
LACROIX: Just stop doing the wrong thing.

ANA: Thats no fun

GENJI: excuse me but wheres anas punishment?

TRACER: yeah she hit me with the cranberry sauce!

MORRISON: I know better than to punish Ana.  
MORRISON: You all remember the Toilet Paper incident.

MCCREE: i thought that was liao?

LIAO: NOT EVERYTHING IS ME JESSE FOR FUCKS SAKE!

GENJI: its mostly u

LIAO: no it isnt

ANA: Yeah its mostly me  
ANA: But im second in command and im immune to punishment

MORRISON: Would you be willing to bet?

ANA: Dont push me boy scout

LIAO: how come she gets away with threats?

MORRISON: Liao, go clean everything up.

LIAO: but i dont wanna

MORRISON: NOW!

LIAO: NO

REYES: LIAO, PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

____________________

MIREMBE: What is wrong with Overwatch?

LACROIX: Is everyone okay?

WINSTON: It's too early to tell.  
WINSTON: Talk to me in about an hour.

MORRISON: I can't believe any of you.

MIREMBE: Gérard and I did nothing.  
MIREMBE: Neither did Winston.

REYES: Who the fuck left that rifle in the lounge?

KIMIKO: That might've been me, I'm sorry.

REYES: You don't need to apologize.  
REYES: It's not your fault that Liao's actually stupid enough to shoot it.

LIAO: MY FUCKING LEG!

REINHARDT: 

ANA: LMAO YES

LIAO: THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY MEMES

REINHARDT: You misspelled, "Incredible."

LIAO: FUCK YOU

GENJI: does anyone have a status update on jesse?

MCCREE: im fine  
MCCREE: i just got whacked with the chair  
MCCREE: im sure the bleeding with stop eventually

ANA: "eventually"

WINSTON: Why do you all act like this?

GENJI: were a troubled group of people

KIMIKO: Angela's going to let all of you bleed out.

MERCY: I'm very tempted.  
MERCY: But I can't.  
MERCY: But I'm going to help Liao last.

LIAO: BUT MY LEG

MERCY: Let this serve as a lesson for next time.

MORRISON: He's not going to learn.  
MORRISON: He's already eaten Reinhardt's sandwich twice.

LIAO: JACK NO PLS

REINHARDT: IS THIS A JOKE?  
REINHARDT: AFTER ALL THAT I PUT YOU THROUGHT?  
REINHARDT: YOU STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED YOUR LESSON?

LIAO: I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS YOURS!

REYES: Yes you did.

LIAO: SHUT UP REYES

REINHARDT: I WILL BE BREAKING YOUR OTHER LEG!

LIAO: NO FUCK SAVE ME SOMEONE

MCCREE: no

TRACER: sorry i need medical attention!

ANA: Goodbye liao

LIAO: FUCK

**[LIAO] left chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

REINHARDT: 

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] left chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

ANA: IM FUCKING CRYING

GENJI: rip liao

MCCREE: fucking shut up

MERCY: Ana, if I may.  
MERCY: I could use your help in the Medical Wing with Lena and Genji.  
MERCY: And eventually Liao.

ANA: I guess i can spare a moment or two

**[ANA AMARI] left chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] left chatroom [LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHITS]**

WINSTON: I don't know about anyone else, but I'm still a little hungry.

MIREMBE: I'd be willing to finish off the Thanksgiving Dinner.

LACROIX: I wouldn't mind it, either.

KIMIKO: Are we just going to let Reinhardt maim Liao?

MORRISON: Let it happen.  
MORRISON: That's an order.

KIMIKO: Well, okay then.

MCCREE: can i come?

REYES: Are you going to cause a scene?

MCCREE: no sir  
MCCREE: i just want food

REYES: Then you're fine.

GENJI: i wanna come

MORRISON: You just said that you could barely eat.

GENJI: yeah but the last place i want to be is in the medical wing with a very pissed off angela and ana

MORRISON: This is what you get for starting the food fight.

GENJI: i didnt tho

REYES: You're staying there.

GENJI: y tho?

REYES: Because I said so.

GENJI: well guess i cant argue with that

WINSTON: Everyone who's willing to finish dinner should come to the Common Room.  
WINSTON: After we're all here, I'm having Athena lock the doors.

KIMIKO: Sounds like a plan.

MORRISON: Looks like we'll actually be able to enjoy our Thanksgiving Dinner this year.

MIREMBE: Let's hope so.

MCCREE: i hear liao screaming  
MCCREE: should i do something?

REYES: No.

MCCREE: k cool

LACROIX: Happy Thanksgiving, Liao.

MORRISON: Certainly hope it was worth it.

REYES: Nothing about today is happy for Liao.


	25. age is just a number

LUCIO: im gonna be working on some new stuff if anyone wants to drop by and hear a sneak preview.

MCCREE: no one gives a shit about your music

LUCIO: harsh

D.VA: wow mccree that was cold

MCCREE: this is what happens when you blast it at four in the morning

LUCIO: I DIDNT REALIZE I HAD MY HEADPHONES UNPLUGGED!

MCCREE: that doesnt make it okay

REINHARDT: I was wondering what all the commotion was.

LUCIO: i said i was sorry

GENJI: so did hitler

LUCIO: so youre comparing me to hitler rn?

GENJI: i was simply adding my contribution to the conversation

76: Why can't you play normal music?

LUCIO: what the hell do you consider normal music old man?

76: I'm not as old as you think.

LUCIO: youre old

D.VA: yeah anyone older than fareeha is ancient

MCCREE: im only like five years older than her

D.VA: still older

GENJI: what about me?

LUCIO: old

GENJI: rude

REINHARDT: Do you even know how old everyone is?

LUCIO: i know you and ana are like 60

ANA: Im 60  
ANA: Reinhardts 61

D.VA: wow thats a big difference

LUCIO: mccrees like 45

MCCREE: im 37 actually

D.VA: old

MCCREE: ill fucking hurt you

D.VA: do it you wont

GENJI: im 35

LUCIO: but youre cooler than like every other adult on base so its okay

GENJI: i try my best

TRACER: im 26!

LUCIO: i know  
LUCIO: @EVERYONE  
LUCIO: its time for a social experiment get in here

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

MCCREE: i thought we all agreed that we were gonna change that chatroom name immediately

REINHARDT: I can't say I remember having that conversation.

JUNKRAT: OI MATES WHATS ALL THE HUBBUB?

GENJI: hubbub?

ANA: Thats a phrase i havent heard in a long time

LUCIO: were just asking around  
LUCIO: how old is everyone?

JUNKRAT: IM 25  
JUNKRAT: ROADIES LIKE 75 OR SOMETHING

ROADHOG: im 48  
ROADHOG: weve discussed this numerous times

WIDOWMAKER: For what reason is this conversation taking place?

LUCIO: personal information

D.VA: why are you here?  
D.VA: dont you have someone to kill?

WIDOWMAKER: Talon's assassination list hasn't expanded very much in the past few weeks.

D.VA: youre a lame assassin

WIDOWMAKER: Don't start with me child.  
WIDOWMAKER: I should just shoot you because of everything you and Sombra do together.

GENJI: thats hot

LUCIO: lmao

D.VA: stop spying us you creep

WIDOWMAKER: I'm not spying.  
WIDOWMAKER: Sombra sends me the video footage.  
WIDOWMAKER: Even though I've asked her numerous times to stop.

SOMBRA: im literally just doing it to piss you off lol

WIDOWMAKER: I have no emotions, Sombra.  
WIDOWMAKER: I can't be pissed off.

SOMBRA: wow okay ruin all the fun why dont you

WIDOWMAKER: That is my specialty.

HANZO: I don't have time for childish antics.

LUCIO: yes you do  
LUCIO: how old are you

HANZO: 38.

D.VA: old

LUCIO: so old

HANZO: Are you done?

LUCIO: stop being such a kill joy

D.VA: yeah srsly you and widow are like perfect for each other

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: @WIDOWMAKER  
HANZO: Wanna fuck?

WIDOWMAKER: Absolutely.

HANZO: Cool, meet you in my room?

WIDOWMAKER: Sounds like a plan.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] left chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

LUCIO: OMG WTF?

D.VA: LMAO

GENJI: hes joking guys

MCCREE: obviously

GENJI: that was just his excuse to leave the chatroom  
GENJI: widowmakers too

TRACER: i ship it

MCCREE: no stop

ANA: They really r perfect for each other

LUCIO: hey what are angela and fareeha doing?

GENJI: take a guess

LUCIO: each other?

REINHARDT: Confirmed.  
REINHARDT: I had to leave my room because I felt dirty.

MCCREE: now theyre perfect for each other

ANA: @FAREEHA  
ANA: Stop for like 2 seconds jfc

**[PHARAH] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

PHARAH: What's up?

REINHARDT: Gas prices.

PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: I meant what are you doing?

REINHARDT: Your mom.

PHARAH: This is why I don't join the chatroom...

LUCIO: LMAO

MERCY: What's going on here?

D.VA: a social experiment

LUCIO: yeah how old are you?

MERCY: That's not the most polite question to ask a woman.

LUCIO: fucking sue me

MERCY: Well, if you must know, I'm 37.

D.VA: cougar

MERCY: A five year age difference does not qualify me as a cougar.

GENJI: keep telling urself that

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Was that all?

TRACER: pretty much!

PHARAH: Why do you all act this way?

MCCREE: we seriously just asked a question

MERCY: A very large majority of your questions are either nonsense or just plain offensive.

D.VA: you should be used to it at this point

MERCY: Sometimes I am.  
MERCY: And other times I feel that I could spend 100 years with you people and still never understand you.

GENJI: were not that bad

JUNKRAT: SRY TO INTERRUPT BUT I ACCIDENTALLY LIT MYSELF ON FIRE AND IT BURNS BUT I LOVE IT!

MCCREE: okay maybe we are that bad

MERCY: Jamison, can you act civilized for just once in your life?

ROADHOG: dont hold your breath

MERCY: One of these days, I'm going to let you burn.

JUNKRAT: PLS DO IT HURTS SO GOOD

PHARAH: How in the world did you manage to put up with him all these years?

ROADHOG: I couldnt answer that question even if i wanted to

TRACER: you love him!

ROADHOG: dont quote me on that

MERCY: @PHARAH  
MERCY: We'll finish this later.

PHARAH: :(

LUCIO: dammit junkrat you keep ruining sexy time

JUNKRAT: OOPS

LUCIO: okay so back to the topic at hand  
LUCIO: does anyone want to come get a preview of my new stuff?

76: Is that what this was originally about?

LUCIO: uh yeah?

REINHARDT: Because somehow it just evolved into a discussion about everyone's age and then what Fareeha and Angela are doing in the bedroom.

LUCIO: does anyone wanna come or not?

MCCREE: lena and i are coming

D.VA: me too

ZENYATTA: I will also join in.  
ZENYATTA: I do very much enjoy your music, Lucio.

D.VA: where have you been?

ZENYATTA: I haven't been anywhere.  
ZENYATTA: I've just been enjoying the craziness that comes with this text chat.

ANA: Join the club

76: Don't do anything stupid.

GENJI: I think ur forgetting who ur talking to

_______________________

LUCIO: MY COMPUTER!

TRACER: IM SO SORRY!

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!!!

MCCREE: how do you even pull these things off?

TRACER: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: BEAUTIFUL  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

GENJI: how did this happen?

D.VA: ask tracer

76: What the hell did you do now?

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

MCCREE: lena pulse bombed lucios computer

76: ...  
76: How the fuck was that an accident?

D.VA: spoiler alert  
D.VA: it wasnt

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: AMAZING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

PHARAH: This is why Angela's always so stressed out.

ANA: Angela?  
ANA: Imagine how winston feels fuck angela

PHARAH: Well, I already do.

SOMBRA: everyone on planet earth knows this already

PHARAH: Why are you here?

SOMBRA: cause i can be?

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

MCCREE: can anyone on this base fix a computer?

REINHARDT: I know of one person.  
REINHARDT: And that would be Dr. Zhou.

D.VA: why cant we just ask winston?

ANA: After all the shit u put him through winston will never fix that computer for u

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

ZENYATTA: This was an unfortunate circumstance.

GENJI: ur telling me that no one else on this base can fix a computer?

MCCREE: we know jack cant  
MCCREE: he still barely knows how to use one

76: Once again...  
76: Rural Indiana.

MCCREE: once again  
MCCREE: 20-fucking-76.  
MCCREE: my hat knows how to use a computer at this point

TRACER: can mei help us right now?

REINHARDT: Unlikely.  
REINHARDT: Her and Zarya are busy doing whatever in the lab.

D.VA: are they official then?

ANA: Basically yeah

GENJI: gay

MCCREE: gay

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

PHARAH: You know, not everything needs to be about you.

LUCIO: ???  
LUICO: BUT MY COMPUTER!

MCCREE: get over it

REINHARDT: We didn't have computers back in my day.

76: That's bullshit and you know it.

REINHARDT: _IT'S PART OF THE JOKE JACK, DAMMIT!_

LUCIO: SOMEONE PLS HELP ME  
LUCIO: ALL OF MY SONGS WERE ON THAT!

ZENYATTA: And they were all very good.  
ZENYATTA: I enjoyed listening to all of them.

LUCIO: WELL THEY WONT BE HERE MUCH LONGER IF SOMEONE DOESNT HELP FIX THIS

GENJI: blame lena

D.VA: yeah dammit lena

TRACER: I SAID I WAS SORRY!

REINHARDT: That doesn't make it okay, you know.

TRACER: @MEI  
TRACER: PLS HELP ME

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

MEI: I sure hope this is important.

TRACER: OKAY BASICALLY I ACCIDENTALLY DESTROYED LUCIOS COMPUTER AND I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD HELP US FIX IT?!?!

MEI: ...  
MEI: That's it?

GENJI: sorry if its not up to ur standards

MEI: I can get it fixed quickly.  
MEI: I have some other important work to finish and then I can assist you.

SOMBRA: important work huh?

MEI: Yes...

SOMBRA: yeah i can see through the cameras stop lying to me

MEI: If I could offer a word of advice, I would recommend you mind your own business.

**[ZARYA] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

ZARYA: 

**[ZARYA] left chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] left chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: should i be scared?

76: Very.

GENJI: god why is everyone so gay?

PHARAH: It's apparently an Overwatch thing.

REINHARDT: Speak for yourself.

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

D.VA: you heard the lady  
D.VA: you need to wait  
D.VA: unless you want more than the computer broken

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

WINSTON: Reinhardt, I know that we worked out an agreement.  
WINSTON: But please, keep your elephant corralled.

MCCREE: you didnt come to an agreement  
MCCREE: reinhardt broke down three walls in the watchpoint and threatened to throw out your peanut butter unless you let the elephant stay

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Please just keep it under control.

REINHARDT: _SHE_ has a name.

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Fine.  
WINSTON: Please keep _Patty_ under control.

REINHARDT: Oh, but of course, Winston.  
REINHARDT: I'll go get her right now.

WINSTON: Thank you.

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [REINHARDT'S SHREKTACULAR BONE DOME]**

ANA: Reinhardt u should be proud  
ANA: This is the first time anyones ever taken on winston and won

REINHARDT: I did not want it to come to this, but I was given no other choice.

MCCREE: no youre forgetting the one other time  
MCCREE: do you remember that kid eddie?

ANA: _WE AGREED NEVER TO SPEAK ABOUT THIS AGAIN!_

TRACER: but hes dead

MCCREE: dont make me explain the story again

ZENYATTA: Reinhardt, I don't mean to rush you, but Patty is currently helping herself to the cheese someone left on the counter.

REINHARDT: _NO SHE'S LACTOSE INTOLERANT!_

D.VA: you better go get that elephant

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

GENJI: currently ignoring u

76: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

MCCREE: thats yet another question that scientists can not answer to this day

PHARAH: The other being why Overwatch is so gay.

MCCREE: yeah fareeha gets it

PHARAH: I get more than that.

D.VA: IM GONNA PASS OUT

ANA: Could we fucking stop with these jokes now pls?

PHARAH: I think I'm allowed to make a few every now and then.

76: You're not.

MCCREE: yeah she is  
MCCREE: youre not the commander anymore

76: God Damn it.  
76: We're really still going with this?

GENJI: of course  
GENJI: old jokes never die

TRACER: patty will if reinhardt doesnt stop her from eating all that cheese

REINHARDT: _I'M GOING TO GET HER NOW STOP JOKING ABOUT THAT!_

MCCREE: i still say we shouldve gotten a dog

GENJI: no

LUCIO: MY  
LUCIO: FUCKING  
LUCIO: COMPUTER!

ANA: Lucio say that shit one more time and i will shove that computer up ur ass and let u die

D.VA: lmao

SOMBRA: reinhardt the elephants still reaching for the cheese

REINHARDT: _NO MY SWEET!_  
REINHARDT: _I WILL SAVE YOU!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest, I care more about Patty's well being than Lucio's computer.
> 
> Boy, we've been through 25 whole chapters already! Thanks for everyone who's come along for the ride, and I hope you all are enjoying this because there's still plenty left in the tank!


	26. playing on their biggest fears

76: I don't even know what to say anymore.

MCCREE: then dont say nothing  
MCCREE: leave it be

D.VA: why do we even still go on missions?

ANA: Because jack doesnt learn

76: This wasn't even my idea...

LUCIO: yeah blame winston

WINSTON: Can you all just behave for once in your lives?

GENJI: unlikely

MCCREE: look were fine  
MCCREE: we evacuated the civilians like you asked

WINSTON: Yes...  
WINSTON: But I do have several complaints about your mission statements.

LUCIO: what could you possibly hate about our statements?

76: I'd be willing to take a few guesses.

WINSTON: First of all, who kidnapped the German Shepard?

MCCREE: i said i wanted a dog

TRACER: can we keep him?

WINSTON: No.  
WINSTON: That dog belongs to someone, Jesse.  
WINSTON: It needs to be returned.

MCCREE: yeah he belongs to me now

WINSTON: Not what I meant.

MCCREE: just let me play with him for like an hour and ill bring him back

WINSTON: Secondly, which one of you spray painted the penis on the billboard in front of the Town Hall?

D.VA: whoops

LUCIO: hey that was my idea

WINSTON: _Stop doing these things._

LUCIO: dont pretend that wasnt fucking hilarious

WINSTON: It won't be hilarious when I deduct the funds to remove it from your paycheck.

LUCIO: ...it was hanas idea

D.VA: dont you do this now

76: Is that everything?

WINSTON: Not even close.  
WINSTON: A majority of these are pretty minor, but for the love of God, who is responsible for burning down the trees in the park as "a way to appease our Great Lord of Evil, Cthulu?"

76: ...

ANA: ...

ZENYATTA: ...  
ZENYATTA: *Raises hand*

GENJI: lmfao

LUCIO: savage af

WINSTON: Zenyatta, you must be joking.

ZENYATTA: I'm completely serious, Winston.  
ZENYATTA: Cthulu is not one to be trifled with.

MERCY: A few people suffered burns from that.  
MERCY: I had to tend to them.

WINSTON: I thought better of you.  
WINSTON: How could you let them do this to you?

ZENYATTA: Jesse and Lucio are very persuasive.

MCCREE: you are goddamn right

LUCIO: thank you

WINSTON: We have 21 members on base.  
WINSTON: How is it possible that only four of you are even remotely capable of completely missions?

LUCIO: i imagine im one of those four

WINSTON: You have a terrible imagination.  
WINSTON: Hanzo, Satya, Torbjorn, and Fareeha are the only ones I can actually trust.

GENJI: fareeha literally sneaks off with angela so they can fuck like wtf do u mean?

PHARAH: At least I actually do what I'm told.

LUCIO: yeah yeah we all know that angelas the dom

REINHARDT: Can confirm.

PHARAH: No one asked you.

MERCY: It's true, though.

MCCREE: pls stop

TRACER: im crying!

WINSTON: The recall was a mistake.

D.VA: its been like eight months at this point come up with a better line

GENJI: hey look at it this way  
GENJI: at least the mission was a success

76: It almost wasn't.

REINHARDT: Yes, we're very lucky that Gabe got distracted by the kittens in the alley.

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA?]**

REAPER: **I was looking for a way around you.**

LUCIO: thats not what i saw

D.VA: yeah i totally saw you cuddling with them

REAPER: **You most certainly did not.**

D.VA: ...  
D.VA: hey @BABE

SOMBRA: yes?

D.VA: send it

SOMBRA: anything for you darling <3

**[attached image: reapergettingsomepussy.png]**

LUCIO: AHA

REAPER: **I fucking hate you.**

SOMBRA: sorry not sorry

REAPER: **YOU WORK FOR TALON!**  
REAPER: **ACT LIKE IT!**

SOMBRA: mind showing me where it says that?

D.VA: thanks for helping me prove edgelord wrong again babe

SOMBRA: <3

D.VA: <3

MCCREE: get a room

GENJI: gay

D.VA: youre just jealous  
D.VA: ik how badly you want to hit this

76: Yeah, hit it with a baseball bat.

REAPER: **Until it bleeds.**

LUCIO: thats hot

REAPER: **You have very odd fetishes.**

LUCIO: ...i...  
LUCIO: thanks for ruining the fucking joke

REAPER: **Anytime.**

ANA: Thats what gabe does best  
ANA: Besides play ping pong

MCCREE: he was fucking awful at ping pong

REAPER: **Is that why I beat you twenty seven times in a row?**

GENJI: it was 29

MCCREE: genji stfu

GENJI: no fuck u

76: Gabe was really good at Ping Pong

MERCY: I don't think so.  
MERCY: I just think Jesse and Liao were really bad at it.

MCCREE: i was not

REAPER: **I beat you without even letting you score a point.**

MCCREE: i was hungover

REAPER: _**So was I.**_

GENJI: do we still have that ping pong table?

WINSTON: It should be folded away in storage.

SOMBRA: Its not

GENJI: ?

SOMBRA: angela and fareeha were fucking on it one night and it broke

LUCIO: LMAO

PHARAH: How the fuck do you even know that?

SOMBRA: once again i have access to all your cameras  
SOMBRA: yes, theres even cameras in the storage room

GENJI: hawt

REAPER: **Why can't we keep things intact?**

MCCREE: you should talk  
MCCREE: i remember what you did to the fridge

REAPER: **I don't...**

MCCREE: exactly

REAPER: **I liked that Ping Pong table.**

GENJI: yeah  
GENJI: and liao and i liked the pool table

REINHARDT: I'm not apologizing.

REAPER: **What am I supposed to do for entertainment now?**

ANA: Thats easy  
ANA: U used to play ping pong  
ANA: Now u can ping jacks pong

LUCIO: LMAO!!!!!!

REINHARDT: Good Heavens.

MCCREE: god almighty

WINSTON: Can we stop with this?  
WINSTON: Mental Bleach isn't a thing yet.

TRACER: normal bleach is though!

WINSTON: I'm not that desperate yet.

GENJI: yet

76: Are we done here?

WINSTON: Just about.

LUCIO: were never done  
LUCIO: something new will always come up

MERCY: If it was up to me, I would just lock all of you in padded rooms for the rest of your lives.

D.VA: well thank god its not up to you

WINSTON: It might be soon enough.  
WINSTON: It's anyone's guess how much longer I'll last.

_______________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANZO: No.

JESSE: pls?

HANZO: I'm not stooping to your level.

JESSE: hey look genji dropped a bunch of snakes into my bed when i was sleeping last night  
JESSE: if you have any idea about how i can get back at him id appreciate it

HANZO: You don't actually believe that I'm going to help you prank my own brother, do you?

JESSE: i was kinda hoping you would?

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: He's afraid of spiders.  
HANZO: Especially Tarantulas.  
HANZO: You didn't hear this from me.

JESSE: thanks partner

HANZO: Don't mention it.  
HANZO: Seriously.  
HANZO: This conversation never happened.

JESSE: fine  
JESSE: you should be devious more often

HANZO: Don't tempt me.

_____________________________________

76: Who the fuck is screaming?

REINHARDT: It sounds like Genji.

GENJI: SOMEONE PLS HELP ME SLGNASGEGLWKGUIYVHAS

MCCREE: EAT IT FUCKBOI  
MCCREE: THATS WHAT YOU GET

WINSTON: Of course Jesse had something to do with this.

D.VA: @SOMBRA  
D.VA: WHATS HAPPENING IM STREAMING

SOMBRA: mccree dumped a crate of tarantulas on genji

76: What the fuck?

LUCIO: that is literally the evilest thing anyone has ever done

GENJI: GET THEM OFF ME

MCCREE: PAYBACK BITCH

ANA: I need to see this

SOMBRA: no you dont  
SOMBRA: theres like fifty tarantulas in his room rn  
SOMBRA: im just looking through cameras and im scared

REINHARDT: Where did you even get that many tarantulas?

MCCREE: the same place you got patty

PHARAH: Does Amazon just sell anything now?

LUCIO: pretty much

GENJI: IM GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK

MERCY: Don't worry, you can't.  
MERCY: I made sure of that when I rebuilt it.

GENJI: DONT UNDERESTIMATE ME

WINSTON: Does this have anything to do with the snakes from a few nights ago?

MCCREE: i didnt admit to anything

WINSTON: If that's the case...  
WINSTON: Genji, I can't say you didn't ask for this.

GENJI: IM GONNA DIE

TRACER: hasnt stopped you before!

ANA: Why r u like this jesse?

MCCREE: he started it

PHARAH: Those snakes weren't even dangerous.  
PHARAH: None of them were venomous and they were all babies.

MCCREE: dont care  
MCCREE: i found out that genji was afraid of spiders and i took advantage of it

REAPER: **Well, who wouldn't be?**

MERCY: What do you mean?

REAPER: **Are you telling me that there's someone in this group chat who would see a tarantula crawling around and wouldn't get somewhat freaked out by it?**

LUCIO: fair

GENJI: @JUNKRAT

JUNKRAT: NEED SOMETHING MATE?

GENJI: GET EVERY EXPLOSIVE U HAVE AND USE THEM TO DESTROY MY ROOM  
GENJI: IVE QUARANTINED THE THREAT NOW U MUST ELIMINATE IT

JUNKRAT: ILL BE THERE IN A TICK

WINSTON: _JUNKRAT NO!_

______________________

76: Unbelievable.

JUNKRAT: THE DEED IS DONE

GENJI: THANK U SO MUCH

JUNKRAT: PLEASURE DOIN BUSINESS WITH YA

WINSTON: _We need to pay for that..._

GENJI: dont care  
GENJI: the tarantulas have been eradicated from every dimension

TRACER: dont be so sure

MERCY: Any injuries?

GENJI: other than my ptsd?

MERCY: Great, no injuries.

WINSTON: Jesse, you'll be paying for this.

MCCREE: hold on a damn minute

WINSTON: I don't care if he started it.  
WINSTON: You're paying for the repairs.

MCCREE: unfair

LUCIO: it sounds fair to me

REAPER: **I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here today.**

REINHARDT: Just one?

ANA: Weve learned nothing valuable here today

REAPER: **Incorrect.**  
REAPER: **We've learned that Genji is afraid of spiders and Jesse is afraid of snakes.**  
REAPER: **Keep that in mind the next time they do something wrong.**

MCCREE: fuck no wait

GENJI: good job jesse

LUCIO: im afraid of needles

D.VA: im afraid of bad wifi

REINHARDT: I'm afraid of visualizing what goes on in Fareeha's room when Angela's there.

SOMBRA: one of these things is not like the other

PHARAH: Haters gonna hate.

76: We're far past hating at this point.  
76: I don't even know how much further down that path we can go.

ANA: I dont know what was worse  
ANA: When u were too self conscious to discuss ur relationship with angela  
ANA: Or now  
ANA: Where u have no shame and discuss what u do on a daily basis

PHARAH: You stick to your relationship, and I'll stick to mine.

ANA: Fair enough

JUNKRAT: GENJI I THINK ONE OF THE SPIDERS GOT AWAY

GENJI: KILL IT WITH FIRE

JUNKRAT: YOU WOULD NEVER LAST IN THE OUTBACK MATE

GENJI: THATS WHY I LIVE HERE U IMBECILE

TRACER: youre not even safe here luv!

GENJI: im gonna lock myself in my room and never come out

MCCREE: well your room doesnt exactly exist anymore

GENJI: its ur fault

MCCREE: i dont care  
MCCREE: next time think before you start a prank war

76: If a prank war starts on this base, I will be personally hunting each and every one of you down and murdering you.

LUCIO: bring it

76: Don't challenge me.

ANA: Hunting and killing is actually one of the few things hes good at

REAPER: **Besides killing the romantic mood.**

76: _THIS IS NOT THE TIME!_

LUCIO: lmao

D.VA: theres never a wrong time to make fun of you

76: Don't make me unplug the router.

D.VA: ILL FUCKING FIGHT YOU

76: You would lose.

WINSTON: I'm not paying for another router if you break it.

TRACER: you better hide that card then winston!

WINSTON: _Stay away from my card._

MCCREE: learn how to hide it better and we will

D.VA: OMFG HE ACTUALLY UNPLUGGED THE ROUTER

76: You challenged me.

D.VA: I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A STREAM!

76: Oops.

**[D.VA] went idle**

**[SOLDIER: 76] went idle**

WINSTON: I'm going to let this happen.

MERCY: I'm not treating Hana when she gets hurt.

SOMBRA: pls doc  
SOMBRA: dont let my girlfriend bleed out

MERCY: Your girlfriend needs to learn her lesson.

LUCIO: rip hana

MCCREE: shut the fuck up

LUCIO: no

MCCREE: i can very easily get my hands on needles

LUCIO: DONT YOU DARE

MCCREE: try me

GENJI: dont try him lucio  
GENJI: u already saw what he did to me

JUNKRAT: I KILLED THE LAST SPIDER  
JUNKRAT: WITH FIRE LIKE YOU ASKED

PHARAH: Is that why I see smoke in the garden?

MCCREE: bastions gonna tear you a new asshole if you dont put that out

BASTION: >:(

JUNKRAT: IM GETTING WATER NOW STOP

REAPER: **Good to see Overwatch is just as chaotic as I remember it being.**

MERCY: Yes, not much has changed.

ANA: Idk if thats a good thing or a bad thing

REINHARDT: It's both.

MCCREE: yeah its both

SOMBRA: someone pls stop jack  
SOMBRA: i like hanas face i dont want something to happen to it

GENJI: its her fault

MCCREE: shes gotta deal with the consequences

SOMBRA: shes grabbing pharahs rocket launcher out of the armory

WINSTON: _HANA STOP!_

MCCREE: forget it big guy  
MCCREE: its war now

LUCIO: sombra record it

SOMBRA: im recording everything anyway

MERCY: Once again, I'm not helping.

REINHARDT: I don't think anyone can help at this point.


	27. overwatch roadtrip part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally the worst idea ever...

76: This might be the worst idea you've ever come up with.

LUCIO: this is a great plan wtf are you on?

MCCREE: WHO THE FUCK AGREED TO LET THIS HAPPEN???

D.VA: no one  
D.VA: but its happening anyway

GENJI: dont do this

REINHARDT: What's going on?

LUCIO: ill show you what the fuck is going on

**User [LUCIO] changed chatroom name to [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

ANA: PLS GOD NO

TRACER: NOT AGAIN!

LUCIO: ITS FUCKING HAPPENING FUCK HEADS GET USED TO IT

MCCREE: @WINSTON  
MCCREE: PLEASE MAKE IT STOP

WINSTON: Sorry.  
WINSTON: I don't have much control over this.

GENJI: pls

WINSTON: It's going to happen regardless so the sooner you accept it the better.

76: I'm not coming.

LUCIO: oh no you are coming  
LUCIO: everyones coming

76: Where the fuck are we even going to go?

D.VA: everywhere duh

MERCY: I think a Road Trip would be fun.

MCCREE: you are thinking incorrectly

LUCIO: angela agrees so its happening

REINHARDT: Don't make us go through this again.

D.VA: again?

ANA: Liao made us do it back in the day  
ANA: He and jesse are still banned from the louvre

MCCREE: that security guard was an asshole

76: Please don't put us through this again.

LUCIO: too late  
LUCIO: its happening

D.VA: theres no way we can fit everyone in one car  
D.VA: we need to split up

GENJI: _cars?_

ANA: R u out of ur fucking minds?

LUCIO: jurys out

D.VA: how are we even going to split this up?

MCCREE: were not

LUCIO: okay we need everyone in here  
LUCIO: @EVERYONE  
LUCIO: join the chat now

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

HANZO: What?

D.VA: holy fuck did torb actually just join the chat?

TORBJORN: Don't start.  
TORBJORN: I'm very busy.

SOMBRA: i can see you through the cameras youre literally bouncing a tennis ball off the wall

TORBJORN: And that's still more work than most of you have ever done in your lives.

LUCIO: were going on a roadtrip

TORBJORN: ...Again?

REINHARDT: See, he knows.

ANA: U didnt even come with us last time

TORBJORN: And it was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

D.VA: ive been at this base for over a year and this is the most ive ever heard him say

TORBJORN: Don't get used to it.

MCCREE: yeah really dont  
MCCREE: once this is over youll prob never hear from him again

LUCIO: we have six cars rented so we can split up into like six groups

GENJI: brilliant math  
GENJI: were u an honors student with that brain of urs?

LUCIO: fuck you

D.VA: idc who im with but im gonna be in the same car as my girlfriend

76: She's not coming.

D.VA: yes she is  
D.VA: you wouldnt want to have a repeat of what happened last week do you?

76: You literally only won because you started shooting rockets at me.

D.VA: still won tho

ANA: Dont worry jack gabe can come too

REAPER: **I don't want any part of this.**

76: If I have to come, so do you.

REAPER: **I'm not even in Overwatch anymore...**

76: I don't care.

MERCY: Do we even have six people that know how to drive?

LUCIO: who here can drive?

PHARAH: I can.

76: Me.

REINHARDT: Torbjorn and I can drive.

TORBJORN: I will not be driving anything.

JUNKRAT: ROADIE CAN DRIVE

TRACER: i can fly does that count?

LUCIO: no

ZARYA: I can drive.

HANZO: As can I.

LUCIO: okay i think weve got enough people then  
LUCIO: time to split into groups

MERCY: I'm going with Fareeha.

GENJI: gay

76: I will not be driving anyone under the age of 40.

D.VA: rude

MCCREE: why the fuck are yall agreeing with this?

76: I have better things to waste my breath on.

TORBJORN: I'll go with Jack, then.

REAPER: **Me too.**  
REAPER: **I'm taking shotgun, by the way.**

TORBJORN: Please, don't allow me to get in the middle of your love life.

WINSTON: I'll go with you as well.

LUCIO: aight thats one car

ANA: _WERE NOT TAKING CARS!_  
ANA: _NONE OF US WILL EVER SURVIVE!_

LUCIO: Hanzo you said youre good with driving?

HANZO: Not particularly.  
HANZO: But I will if I must.

ANA: _STOP IGNORING ME U LITTLE SHIT_

LUCIO: alright you can take the uptight crew with you

HANZO: And that would be?

LUCIO: satya and widowmaker

HANZO: Is Widowmaker even coming?

WIDOWMAKER: I assumed this invitation was extended to everyone in the chat, regardless of affiliation.

SYMMETRA: We're making a terrible mistake.

HANZO: I know, Satya.

D.VA: take bastion too

HANZO: Absolutely not.

BASTION: :(

HANZO: Okay fine.  
HANZO: But you better behave, Bastion.

BASTION: :D

LUCIO: fareeha and angela are obv really gay so theyll go together

MERCY: Fine by me.

TRACER: i can bring emily right?

WINSTON: You can.  
WINSTON: But do you really want to put her through this?

TRACER: shes a tough cookie she can handle it!

D.VA: is emily even still alive?

EMILY: Yes, actually.

LUCIO: its been a while since weve seen you

EMILY: I've had a lot that I needed to take care of.  
EMILY: I didn't have time to constantly rejoin the chatroom.

WINSTON: Emily, although I'd highly advise against it, the offer is on the table if you wish to join us.

EMILY: I can drive with Lena, right?

WINSTON: Of course.

EMILY: I'll come then.

TRACER: yay!

MCCREE: i cant believe yall are just allowing this to happen without even trying to fight back

GENJI: it cant be helped anymore  
GENJI: we dont have a choice

ZARYA: I go with Mei.

D.VA: shocker

MERCY: Orisa, you can come with Fareeha and I.

ORISA: Hooray!  
ORISA: I've never been on a roadtrip before!  
ORISA: This is going to be so much fun.

ANA: U poor optimistic little soul

TRACER: emily and i are going with you and fareeha too angie!

ANGELA: That's fine.

LUCIO: okay thats three cars  
LUCIO: whos filling up the rest?

ROADHOG: i can drive one  
ROADHOG: although it might not be the smartest idea

LUCIO: when do we ever make smart ideas though?

ROADHOG: good point  
ROADHOG: ill drive one

JUNKRAT: IM GOING WITH HIM

ROADHOG: youre sitting in the trunk

JUNKRAT: JOKES ON YOU I LOVE SITTING IN THE TRUNK

GENJI: jesse and i will come along with you too

MCCREE: i still havent agreed to this

GENJI: ur still coming

ZENYATTA: I will also come along.  
ZENYATTA: I look forward to this experience.

ANA: Thatll change pretty quickly

LUCIO: thats four  
LUCIO: whos going with zarya and mei?

SOMBRA: hana and i will

MEI: You two better behave.

D.VA: after last time i think ive learned my lesson

LUCIO: so i guess that means im going with reinhardt and ana

REINHARDT: Sounds like a plan.

MCCREE: OMG ARE WE ACTUALLY DOING THIS?

GENJI: afraid so

TRACER: emily ill come get you later tonight

EMILY: I'll be waiting!

76: We're making a terrible mistake.

WINSTON: We know, Jack.

________________________________

GENJI: its too fucking early for this

LUCIO: if you dont leave early youll hit every traffic stop in the book

76: We're going to hit that anyway.

ROADHOG: where are we even going?

LUCIO: just follow reinhardt  
LUCIO: hes the leader

PHARAH: And if I get separated?

LUCIO: well deal with it

MCCREE: can someone help me get bastion into the back of the fucking car?

REINHARDT: I'll be there in a minute.  
REINHARDT: I'm just putting Ana's things in the trunk.

D.VA: true gentleman

REINHARDT: And don't you ever forget it.

76: Why the fuck do I have to drive the mini-van again?

LUCIO: because i fucking told you to?

76: I don't remember you ever being in charge.

LUCIO: i paid for all this shit so you better believe im in charge

MERCY: Where in the world did you get all this money?

LUCIO: uh hello?  
LUCIO: international music sensation?  
LUCIO: i have sponsorships out the ass  
LUCIO: i could buy anything i want

WINSTON: So you're using my card because why?

LUCIO: why would i spend my own money when yours is so much more accessible?

WINSTON: _Because it's your money?_

LUCIO: that doesnt mean i want to spend it

WINSTON: You just dropped well over fifty thousand dollars in expenses for this trip and you're really going to say that?

LUCIO: whoops

PHARAH: Let's get a move on.

LUCIO: @EVERYONE  
LUCIO: WERE LEAVING IN TEN MINUTES SO BE FUCKING READY

MCCREE: should i kill myself now or later?

GENJI: ur not killing urself unless u take me with u

76: None of us are going to survive.

D.VA: rip overwatch

MCCREE: *places barrel of the gun in mouth and pulls trigger

LUCIO: lighten up dammit  
LUCIO: this is gonna be fun

GENJI: i dont think u understand just how wrong u are

________________________________

ANA: OK I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE A BAD FUCKING IDEA BUT ITS BEEN THREE HOURS OF DRIVING AND LUCIO AND REINHARDT HAVE BEEN BLASTING CRAZY FROG ON REPEAT SINCE THE DRIVE BEGAN AND IM GOING TO THROW MYSELF OUT OF THE CAR AND HOPEFULLY I GET RUN OVER

D.VA: LMFAO!!!!

GENJI: u think thats bad?  
GENJI: jesses been blasting country music the whole damn time and i cant reach the dash to switch it off

MCCREE: if youre forcing me on this journey the least you can do is let me enjoy my music

GENJI: UR MUSIC SUCKS

MCCREE: FUCK YOU I DIDNT WANT TO COME

76: Sorry, I'm currently driving and can not respond to your message right now.

GENJI: wut?

LUCIO: lmao  
LUCIO: how old is jacks phone?

WINSTON: Old.

MERCY: _LENA I KNOW THAT YOU AND EMILY ARE FUCKING UNDERNEATH THAT BLANKET!_

MCCREE: i told you that this was a terrible fucking idea

REAPER: **And we all agreed.**  
REAPER: **We just didn't have the spine to do anything about it.**

TRACER: WERE NOT!

MERCY: LIES!

GENJI: @LUCIO  
GENJI: pls tell me were almost there

LUCIO: a few more hours kids  
LUCIO: just sit tight and enjoy the ride

GENJI: i stopped enjoying this ride about three hours before it began

LUCIO: is everyone else okay?  
LUCIO: @SYMMETRA @MEI

SYMMETRA: We're doing just fine.  
SYMMETRA: Bastion is a very cooperative passenger.  
SYMMETRA: He and Ganymede have been sleeping for most of the ride.

ANA: What i would give to be in his spot rn

LUCIO: ana this song is amazing

ANA: NOTHING IS AMAZING AFTER THREE STRAIGHT HOURS FUCK U

WIDOWMAKER: Our ride has been very easy so far.  
WIDOWMAKER: We've killed the time mainly by talking about how much we despise the rest of you.

D.VA: petty af

WIDOWMAKER: Deal with it.

MEI: We're okay.  
MEI: Hana and Sombra have been playing Mario Kart on the switch for most of the ride so it's been halfway decent.

GENJI: halfway?

MEI: The other half consists of them screaming at each other for using a blue shell which is then followed by them making out to forgive each other.

REAPER: **Sounds like a healthy relationship.**

GENJI: yeah wait until sombra starts cheating  
GENJI: then hanas gonna be plotting her death

JUNKRAT: ROADIE MY LEG IS CRAMPING

ROADHOG: i dont care

LUCIO: are you texting and driving?

ROADHOG: i turned on the voice chat feature  
ROADHOG: so that way i can still communicate while i drive

SOMBRA: i didnt actually think you were that smart

ROADHOG: just because im a man who loves pigs doesnt mean im an idiot

SOMBRA: fair enough

JUNKRAT: WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK THE CAR WITH THE SMALLEST TRUNK?

ROADHOG: because i wanted you to be uncomfortable

JUNKRAT: WHY THO?

ROADHOG: as payback for all the time ive been forced to spend with you

JUNKRAT: IM NOT THAT BAD MATE GEEZ

MCCREE: youre pretty bad

LUCIO: whats everyone else doing?

ZENYATTA: Genji and I are playing cards.

LUCIO: you brought cards?

MCCREE: i always bring cards  
MCCREE: in case shit like this comes up

ANA: Im contemplating death

GENJI: fucking same

MEI: Hana and Sombra are pretty occupied at the moment.  
MEI: Zarya and I are just enjoying the view that comes with the ride.

MERCY: _Lena and Emily are fucking under the blanket!_

TRACER: OI NO WERE NOT

ORISA: They are.  
ORISA: They're not doing a good job of covering themselves.

TRACER: OMG I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE!

LUCIO: gay

WINSTON: We're doing okay here.  
WINSTON: Jack and Reyes are fighting over who has control of the radio.

REAPER: **Just let me listen to one Taylor Swift song...**

LUCIO: lol wut?

MCCREE: shocking news kids  
MCCREE: edgey mcbedsheetman is actually a taylor swift fan

D.VA: bruh  
D.VA: shes like 95

REAPER: **She made good music back in the day.**

ANA: no she didnt

REAPER: **What would you know?**  
REAPER: **That screaming shit you listen to isn't even music.**

ANA: System of a down is the greatest band ever who tf do u think u r?

REAPER: **A man with musical tastes.**

ANA: yeah bad musical tastes

GENJI: at least its not country

MCCREE: keep pushing me  
MCCREE: i fucking dare you

WINSTON: Honestly I don't know what I hate more.  
WINSTON: Taylor Swift or Coldplay.

ORISA: Efi listens to Coldplay sometimes.  
ORISA: Personally, I don't think they're that bad.

MERCY: Does Jack actually still listen to Coldplay?

D.VA: what the fuck is coldplay?

WINSTON: Unfortunately, yes.

76: I will respond to your text once I finish driving.

JUNKRAT: LMAO IT STRIKES AGAIN

MEI: Winston, what would you even want to listen to?

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: The Gorillaz.

MCCREE: shouldve fucking seen that coming

GENJI: yeah really

ANA: Anythings better than fucking crazy frog which _JUST FUCKING CAME ON AGAIN OMG_

LUCIO: give yourself to the rhythm grandma

ANA: FUCK U

LUCIO: oh heads up folks  
LUCIO: waze is telling me that were gonna be backed up for about fifteen miles so i hope everyones comfortable

JUNKRAT: IM NOT

MCCREE: im gonna fucking shoot myself

ANA: Me too

SOMBRA: HANA IF YOU FUCKING HIT WITH ME WITH THAT BLUE SHELL I WILL END YOU

D.VA: DO IT YOU WONT

MEI: _Both of you stop it right now!_

____________________________________

GENJI: FREEDOM

MCCREE: I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER END

LUCIO: lol guys this is only the first stop

MCCREE: FUCK YOU

WINSTON: How are Hana and Sombra?

MEI: They'll defrost eventually.

ZARYA: I am tired of puny gremlin and her girlfriend causing distraction.

WINSTON: Good enough for me.

LUCIO: anyone seen jack and reaper?  
LUCIO: or mercy and pharah?  
LUCIO: or emily and tracer?

MCCREE: i think you know the answer to that by now

LUCIO: wtf we literally just stopped like two minutes ago?

GENJI: hana and sombra prob wouldve joined them if they werent frozen

LUCIO: okay so while the six of them are being gay what else do we have?

HANZO: Are we the only ones who had a normal ride?

WINSTON: Just about, yes.

REINHARDT: Our ride was pretty normal.  
REINHARDT: It consisted of one song being played at deafening volumes, but it was pretty normal.

ANA: I want to switch cars

LUCIO: too bad

MCCREE: where are we anyway?

LUCIO: barcelona!

MCCREE: what the fuck are we doing in barcelona?

LUCIO: its a roadtrip mccree were just touring the city

MCCREE: i still say we shouldve stayed home  
MCCREE: or at least taken the FUCKING ORCA

LUCIO: that takes away from the experience  
LUCIO: come on its more fun this way

GENJI: u wouldnt have said that if u were in our car

ZARYA: Or Ours.

WINSTON: Or Ours.

LUCIO: fine whatever  
LUCIO: but come on just enjoy it  
LUCIO: i booked the hotel for two days we have plenty of time to see the sights and just hang

MCCREE: literally none of us want to be here

LUCIO: tough shit

WIDOWMAKER: Hanzo, Satya, and I are going to visit the bars.  
WIDOWMAKER: Bastion will be coming with us.

MEI: But he's an omnic...

WINSTON: People aren't going to like seeing an omnic around here.

WIDOWMAKER: I don't care what these people think.  
WIDOWMAKER: Bastion is coming with us and that's final.

BASTION: :)

MCCREE: imagine that

GENJI: yeah really the three of them like a fucking omnic more than us

ZARYA: Even I like omnic more than you.

GENJI: ouch  
GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: i need healing

MCCREE: itll be a while before she answers that call

WINSTON: I'm going to bed.

LUCIO: dude its like 2 in the afternoon why?

WINSTON: Because we've been driving for ten plus hours and I'm completely exhausted.  
WINSTON: Is that good enough for you?

LUCIO: i guess

MCCREE: this was still a bad idea

LUCIO: well were here now so deal with it

GENJI: i refuse to have fun

LUCIO: fine  
LUCIO: then you can go fuck yourself

GENJI: no i cant  
GENJI: because in this scenario  
GENJI: that would qualify as fun and i refuse to have fun

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: this is what i get for trying to do something nice for you?

MCCREE: yes

LUCIO: fine ill go have fun like i planned and you two can sit here and do whatever you do

**[LUCIO] left chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: ...

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: ...

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: @GENJI  
MCCREE: wanna go see if theres an arcade around?

GENJI: FUCK YES

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

ZARYA: This will not end well for anyone.

MEI: Probably not.  
MEI: But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves!

ZARYA: Let's go explore city.

MEI: Okay!

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] left chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

**[ZARYA] left chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

JUNKRAT: UH MATES?  
JUNKRAT: IM STILL IN THE TRUNK?  
JUNKRAT: DOES SOMEONE WANNA COME GET ME OUT?  
JUNKRAT: PLEASE?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for those wondering, there are going to be multiple parts to this chapter. This is by far the shortest and least interesting one, so I hope you guys are ready for the next parts. And, as always, I hope you all enjoy!


	28. overwatch roadtrip part 2

76: Seriously?

MCCREE: he took my fucking tokens

MERCY: Jesse, he was eight years old.  
MERCY: He was just trying to have fun.

MCCREE: i was too  
MCCREE: that doesnt mean that hes innocent

REINHARDT: He's not the one who punched a child for picking up a stray token.

MCCREE: it was my fucking token

WINSTON: We really can't bring you two anywhere, can we?

REINHARDT: Clearly not.

MCCREE: why am i getting all the blame here?  
MCCREE: at least im not the one who got arrested

76: You were just as guilty as Genji was.

GENJI: i acted in self defense

76: _You pulled out your Dragonblade on an eight year old and his parents._

GENJI: in self defense

PHARAH: What exactly was a family of three going to do to a cyborg with ninja training?

GENJI: obv steal my tokens

76: Un-fucking-real.

ANA: U two are so much like liao its not even funny

REAPER: **Don't insult Liao like that.**  
REAPER: **He was never this bad.**

REINHARDT: Debatable.

MCCREE: im not apologizing

WINSTON: Well, now you're both under house arrest.  
WINSTON: You're very lucky that Jack and I were able to talk the family out of a lawsuit.

GENJI: no shame

MERCY: You should have a lot of shame.

MCCREE: you should talk  
MCCREE: at least i didnt traumatize a pre-school class by fucking on their playground equipment

PHARAH: No one can prove that we did that.

SOMBRA:

**[attached image: heylookmercyandpharahareonthenews.png]**

PHARAH: I hate you.

SOMBRA: you had it coming

WINSTON: What is wrong with all of you?  
WINSTON: Especially you, Angela.  
WINSTON: You're the one I expect this from the least!

MERCY: I gave in to temptation.  
MERCY: Blame Fareeha.

PHARAH: You literally said to me, "Let's find a discrete but unorthodox place to fuck."

LUCIO: lmfao

WINSTON: Why do you do the things you do?

REINHARDT: @LUCIO  
REINHARDT: This is why the roadtrip was a terrible idea.

LUCIO: hey im having fun  
LUCIO: zen and i have been hanging out in the city and signing autographs all day

ZENYATTA: The people of Barcelona are very accepting of Omnics.  
ZENYATTA: It's very comforting.

WINSTON: Okay, besides our usual suspects...  
WINSTON: What's @EVERYONE else up to?

HANZO: Satya, Widowmaker, and I are at Starbucks.

GENJI: why r u such a basic white bitch?

HANZO: Because I have you as a brother.

MCCREE: you literally said you were going to the bars and now youre at starbucks?

HANZO: We decided it wasn't smart to overindulge.

WIDOWMAKER: The best wine is only available in France anyway.  
WIDOWMAKER: There's no point in wasting my time with Spanish wine.

SOMBRA: dont knock it til you try it

WIDOWMAKER: I have tried it.  
WIDOWMAKER: It was the second worse thing I've ever experienced.

GENJI: what was the first?

WIDOWMAKER: ...Think about it for a second.

GENJI: fuck right okay my bad

MEI: Zarya and I are exploring the city!  
MEI: It's really a beautiful place.

GENJI: i wouldnt know  
GENJI: ive only seen the arcade, the hotel, and the walls of a jail cell

MEI: ...  
MEI: Did something happen?

LUCIO: have you been reading the chat?

MEI: Yes and no.  
MEI: I'm more focused on taking in the sights so I've been skimming through this.

GENJI: its not important

HANZO: Who got you out of there anyway?

SOMBRA: i did  
SOMBRA: because none of you apparently know how to speak spanish

76: Well yeah, I could've told you that being from Indiana and all.

SOMBRA: do they not teach spanish in school anymore?

76: You don't honestly expect me to remember a language I spent half a semester studying in middle school, do you?

SOMBRA: i guess i expect too much from you

REAPER: **I can speak Spanish.**

MCCREE: the last thing anyone needs is a wanted terrorist showing up at the police station to bail out a psychotic cyborg ninja

EMILY: That reminds me, how are you all in public right now?  
EMILY: Isn't Overwatch illegal?

WINSTON: We just need to be conscious of our surroundings.  
WINSTON: Overwatch activity is illegal but if we just act normally then I think we'll be fine.

ANA: Ha  
ANA: Normally  
ANA: Ur dreaming

D.VA: yeah but that still doesnt explain reaper and widow  
D.VA: theyre actual terrorists

WIDOWMAKER: Rude.

REAPER: **Don't question my methods child.**

D.VA: im fucking 19

REAPER: **And you're still the youngest one here.**

WINSTON: Wait...  
WINSTON: Where's Junkrat?

ROADHOG: hes still in the trunk  
ROADHOG: i am not letting him out of that car

REINHARDT: Wise Decision.

ANA: Roadhog is low key the smartest one here

SYMMETRA: So, what's on the itinerary for the rest of the day?

LUCIO: not much honestly  
LUCIO: we have dinner reservations at 6

WIDOWMAKER: Please don't make me eat any of this food.

SOMBRA: you act like its going to kill you

WIDOWMAKER: It might as well.

LUCIO: up until then i guess were free to do whatever we want

76: Except you two @GENJI @JESSE

GENJI: bruh  
GENJI: self defense

MCCREE: if he just wouldve let me keep my token none of this would have happened

WINSTON: I'll be resuming my nap.  
WINSTON: Don't let it be interrupted this time.

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [ROADTRIP BITCHES!]**

GENJI: i feel like im being wrongfully punished

REAPER: **This is completely justified.**

GENJI: when do angela and fareeha get punished for emotionally scarring five year olds?

76: Another time.

MCCREE: the system of justice on this team is fucking terrible

REINHARDT: This has been the case for many years.  
REINHARDT: You're still going to have to deal with it.

___________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: so were totally sneaking out right?

GENJI: oh yeah  
GENJI: let me get my window open and ill come down to get u

JESSE: dont bother  
JESSE: i already picked the lock on my door

GENJI: ...how?

JESSE: i was part of a gang genji  
JESSE: i have a ton of little skills like this

GENJI: fair enough  
GENJI: back to the arcade?

JESSE: nah theyll id us immediately  
JESSE: lets see if we can get into the amusement park

GENJI: pfft  
GENJI: of course we can get into the park  
GENJI: ill meet u in the lobby in five minutes

JESSE: already there

GENJI: damn ur good

JESSE: dont ever forget it

________________________________

WINSTON: I am absolutely in disbelief.

76: _WE PUT YOU UNDER FUCKING HOUSE ARREST FOR A REASON!_

MCCREE: this is your fault for actually believing that you could keep us contained

MERCY: I guess we'll have to postpone those dinner reservations?

PHARAH: Those poor kids...

GENJI: it was their fault  
GENJI: how was i supposed to know that they were that stupid?

REINHARDT: They're children, Genji.  
REINHARDT: They're not old enough to comprehend that not everything is meant to be taken literally.

REAPER: **What the fuck happened now?**

MCCREE: id rather not say

ANA: Say it

GENJI: no

D.VA: can i tell it?

MCCREE: please dont

PHARAH: Really, no one wants to hear this.

D.VA: so mccree and genji snuck out of their rooms and into the park and when they got in line for the roller coaster they told the kids in front of them that if they didnt put their seatbelts on the roller coaster would go faster so the kids unclipped themselves in the middle of the ride and immediately got launched out of their seats and fell like 30 feet to the ground

REAPER: **...**

EMILY: Oh my goodness.

LUCIO: what the fuck is wrong with you two?

GENJI: like i was supposed to know that these kids were idiots

ZARYA: Never underestimate level of human stupidity.

SOMBRA: words to live by

MEI: Are...are they okay?

ANA: Define ok

MEI: Are they going to live?

SOMBRA: maybe

ANA: Currently unknown

LUCIO: yeah im sorry i paid for this dinner already im still going to it

ANA: What about jesse and genji?

WINSTON: I'll take care it.  
WINSTON: Bastion, Jesse and Genji are now locked in the same room.  
WINSTON: If, at any point, they attempt to escape, please fill them with bullets until they stop moving.

BASTION: ...  
BASTION: (ಠ_ಠ)

MCCREE: fuck

GENJI: welp it was nice knowing u all

76: Lucio, you do understand that we're going to have to cut this trip to Barcelona short right?

LUCIO: we can leave after dinner  
LUCIO: its better than getting run out of town

D.VA: are we bringing junkrat to dinner?

ROADHOG: only if you want all your food barbecued

SOMBRA: yeah hes not coming

ANA: Is he still locked in the trunk?

JUNKRAT: YES

LUCIO: dude  
LUCIO: what are you doing to him?

ROADHOG: none of you realize the potential for danger if i let him out

JUNKRAT: I JUST WANT TO SEE THE CITY MATE

ROADHOG: i dont care

PHARAH: What are we going to do about Orisa?

WINSTON: She can come to dinner if she wants.  
WINSTON: Or she can guard Jesse and Genji with Bastion.

ORISA: I think Bastion will need my help.  
ORISA: I will guard with him.

MCCREE: well i guess were gonna die

GENJI: dont worry i already have

SYMMETRA: We're on vacation, you two.  
SYMMETRA: Can you at least pretend to behave?

MCCREE: its more fun this way

REAPER: **Yeah, it'll be really fun when you both get arrested.**

WINSTON: Again.

76: And this time we're not going to bail you out.

GENJI: u r all so cruel

MEI: I'd say you're very lucky that the police officers were understanding.

D.VA: doesnt mccree have a bounty on his head?

MCCREE: dont worry about it

REINHARDT: Lucio, we are just the wrong group of people to take out anywhere.

LUCIO: i thought if i could mature for a couple of weeks so could everyone else

ANA: U clearly dont know genji and jesse

MERCY: The only person in the world more childish than them was Liao.

TRACER: and everything they do is because of him!

MCCREE: without liao genji and i are nothing

SOMBRA: arent you both like 40?

MCCREE: im 37

GENJI: im 35

SOMBRA: thats not any better  
SOMBRA: you act like children

MCCREE: you should talk

GENJI: yeah i saw u hack the vending machine in the lobby to just keep spitting out snacks

WINSTON: That was you?

SOMBRA: theres no proof of that  
SOMBRA: i made sure to delete all of it

D.VA: i wanted chips

SOMBRA: she wanted chips  
SOMBRA: i must treat my lady right

LUCIO: gay

D.VA: youre just jelly

LUCIO: not really

SOMBRA: hes kinda jelly

REINHARDT: Please stop saying that.  
REINHARDT: That went out of style before I was born.

SOMBRA: were bringing it back

ANA: Dont  
ANA: It wasnt funny when it was in style either

HANZO: Nothing any of you do is funny anyway.

D.VA: you just dont have a sense of humor

GENJI: yeah i couldve told u that  
GENJI: im related to him

HANZO: You don't know that.  
HANZO: Mother was known for her promiscuity.

SOMBRA: lol

GENJI: isnt that y dad had her killed?

HANZO: She had a heart attack...

GENJI: thats what dad wanted u to think

WINSTON: This took a very dark turn.

ANA: When doesnt it tho?

LUCIO: okay enough of this  
LUCIO: dinners in ten minutes  
LUCIO: everyone meet in the lobby

76: Except you two @JESSE @GENJI

MCCREE: can we talk about this?

REAPER: **Sure.**  
REAPER: **You're not coming.**

GENJI: who put u in charge?

REAPER: **I just appointed myself.**

MCCREE: this isnt a democracy anymore now were just bordering on a dictatorship

D.VA: since when was lucio the mature one?

LUCIO: since i wanted to go on vacation and had to pay for it

WINSTON: It's not fun when it's your money being wasted, is it?

LUCIO: not really no  
LUCIO: i have a new found respect for you winston

WINSTON: As long as someone does.

JUNKRAT: ARE YOU SURE I CANT COME TO DINNER?

ROADHOG: you are not leaving that car

JUNKRAT: I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO EAT MATE

ROADHOG: ill bring you some leftovers

JUNKRAT: WHY CANT I JUST COME?

ROADHOG: because i know you

LUCIO: clocks ticking kids  
LUCIO: if youre not here im leaving without you

______________________________

WIDOWMAKER: That was the worst dinner ever.

REINHARDT: I'm going to puke.

SOMBRA: no taste

76: There are hundreds of restaurants in Barcelona alone.  
76: And _THAT_ was the best you could find?

LUCIO: this is the last time i do anything nice for any of you

ROADHOG: i liked it

REAPER: **How?**

ROADHOG: i spent years eating radiated scraps in the outback  
ROADHOG: i could fish things out of dumpsters that taste good compared to that

ZARYA: You all have weak stomachs.

TRACER: sorry that we cant all be russian luv!

EMILY: I honestly didn't think it was that bad.

HANZO: Did someone burn your taste buds off when you were a child?

EMILY: No.  
EMILY: I just like food.

MEI: That wasn't food.

SOMBRA: just because you dont like it doesnt mean it wasnt good

D.VA: babe it wasnt good  
D.VA: like at all  
D.VA: like ive thrown up things that tasted better than that

SOMBRA: i love you  
SOMBRA: but youre wrong

LUCIO: has anyone seen ana?

REINHARDT: Currently being sick in the bathroom.

MERCY: Same with Fareeha.

REAPER: **Those two are from Egypt how can they not handle Spanish food?**

WIDOWMAKER: Spanish food is the worst thing anyone can ever eat.

REAPER: **You've clearly never eaten MREs.**

76: Please stop talking about those.  
76: I still gag every time someone mentions meatloaf.

LUCIO: meatloaf

76: *insert gagging sound here*

WINSTON: Certainly not the greatest dinner I've ever had.  
WINSTON: But it wasn't the worst either.

SYMMETRA: You're a gorilla.

WINSTON: What's that supposed to mean?

SOMBRA: you eat like shit anyway

WINSTON: Well then.

D.VA: uh...

REAPER: **What?**

D.VA: i have some bad news

TRACER: please dont

MEI: Yeah really, we just barely survived dinner.

D.VA: mccree and genji are gone  
D.VA: and so are bastion and orisa

76: You've got to be kidding me.

WINSTON: _I gave Bastion one order..._

REAPER: **Where do you think they went?**

SOMBRA: well if the internets any indication  
SOMBRA: they might have something to do with the fire downtown

76: This isn't happening.

MERCY: It's Jesse and Genji, Jack.  
MERCY: Do you expect anything less?

76: I'll get them.

REAPER: **I'm coming.**

MERCY: Don't kill them.

REAPER: **No promises.**

_______________________________

MCCREE: i told you we didnt do it

76: I don't care anymore.  
76: Everyone in the cars.  
76: We're out of here.

ZARYA: What did cowboy and ninja do now?

REAPER: **They started a fire in one of the shops downtown.**

GENJI: _it wasnt us..._

76: You don't really expect us to believe that, do you?

ORISA: I can vouch for them, Commander.

MCCREE: he aint your commander anymore

76: _Shut up!_

ORISA: They didn't start the fire.  
ORISA: They even tried to extinguish it.  
ORISA: In fact, if it wasn't for them, those two children very likely could have been injured.

REAPER: **...**

MCCREE: i fucking told you

WINSTON: Then what started the fire?

GENJI: fuck if we know  
GENJI: were just telling u that we didnt do it

MERCY: Was anyone hurt?

MCCREE: besides genji and i being tackled by reyes and jack?  
MCCREE: not really

MERCY: Okay, that's good.

REAPER:  **You and Bastion were supposed to be watching them  
**

76: How did they get out?

ZENYATTA: You both seem to forget that Jesse is Bastion's favorite.  
ZENYATTA: I'm sure it didn't take much convincing to allow Genji and Jesse to leave.

76: Orisa, why didn't you stop them?

ORISA: I wanted to see the city too!

REAPER:  **Unbelievable.**

MEI: Are we really leaving already?

76: I don't think any of us want to be in Barcelona anymore.  
76: We need actual food.

SOMBRA: you wont find it anywhere but here

WIDOWMAKER: I could eat dirt from the ground in Australia that tastes better than the food made here.

ROADHOG: its true

SOMBRA: i hate all of you

LUCIO: aight i guess were leaving  
LUCIO: everyone get in the cars

ANA: I JUST SPENT HALF AN HOUR BARFING MY GUTS OUT IM NOT GETTING BACK IN A CAR

REINHARDT: I'm afraid you don't have a choice.  
REINHARDT: We need to go.

ANA: IM ESPECIALLY NOT GETTING IN A CAR WITH U AND LUCIO

LUCIO: we wont play crazy frog anymore i promise

ANA: ...  
ANA: Im holding u to that

D.VA: someones gonna have to get tracer and emily

WINSTON: And where are they?

D.VA: fucking in their hotel room

76: For fuck's sake.

D.VA: literally

TRACER: OI STOP WERE COMING

EMILY: We'll be down shortly.

LUCIO: gay

EMILY: You are so right.

REINHARDT: EVERYONE IN!  
REINHARDT: TIME FOR THE NEXT PART OF OUR ADVENTURE!

MCCREE: yeah an adventure through hell

REAPER: **Hell would be preferable to this.**

ANA: dont turn crazy frog on again

LUCIO: i already promised i wouldnt

______________________________

ANA: THATS IT  
ANA: IM JUMPING

LUCIO: good luck  
LUCIO: i locked the doors

ANA: AKLGLSHGLKSNVGLVLBSALBAIUGWL

SYMMETRA: What are you two doing to her?

LUCIO: were not playing crazy frog if thats what youre wondering

ANA: THE GUMMY BEAR SONG IS WORSE

LUCIO: debatable

MERCY: You and Reinhardt are so cruel.

LUCIO: hey this song is a masterpiece

ANA: IM GONNA KILL U  
ANA: AND THEN IM GONNA HAVE ANGELA REZ U  
ANA: SO I CAN KILL U HARDER

GENJI: kill me harder daddy

LUCIO: LMAO

MCCREE: in this case i think the correct term is kill me harder grandmommy

D.VA: FUCKING DEAD

SOMBRA: OMG

REAPER: **God fucking dammit.**

WINSTON: Please stop this.

GENJI: never

ANA: I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

LUCIO: tough  
LUCIO: we still have four hours until we get to paris

WIDOWMAKER: We should've just gone to Paris and ignored everything else.

JUNKRAT: ROADIE CAN I AT LEAST STRETCH MY LEG?

ROADHOG: no

JUNKRAT: WHY MATE IM BEING GOOD

ROADHOG: thats because im keeping you locked in the trunk  
ROADHOG: you would stop being good if i let you out

JUNKRAT: PLS MATE IT HURTS

ROADHOG: pain is temporary

JUNKRAT: WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

ROADHOG: exist

LUCIO: burn

ANA: LUCIO TURN IT OFF

LUCIO: would you like me to go back to the gummy bear song?

ANA: I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE  
ANA: ALL ABOUT THAT BASS ACTUALLY CAUSES ME PHYSICAL PAIN

MCCREE: yall are evil

LUCIO: it was reinhardts idea

GENJI: hes not getting any tonight

MERCY: He's probably not getting any for the rest of his life if he keeps this up.

ANA: @WINSTON  
ANA: WHY DID U AGREE TO THIS?

WINSTON: It's enjoyable to see you all suffer.  
WINSTON: Now you know what you put me through.

ANA: FUCK

LUCIO: FEEL IT  
LUCIO: FEEEEEEEEEL IT

ANA: IN A MINUTE THE ONLY THING IM GONNA FEEL IS MY FIST CONNECTING WITH UR JAW

MERCY: I'm not going to set it back into place when she breaks it.

LUCIO: worth it

SYMMETRA: This was such a terrible idea.

MCCREE: just about everything we do is a bad idea

MEI: Next time, we should just leave all the children at home.

WINSTON: I think that's less good.

REAPER: **I think we should just lock all of them in one room and see who comes out alive.**

WIDOWMAKER: Hopefully none of them.

ANA: I THINK LUCIO NEEDS TO DIE

LUCIO: keep tempting me ana  
LUCIO: ill put the macarena on next

ANA: ILL FUCKING END U

D.VA: take pics

TRACER: are we there yet?

SYMMETRA: At this rate, we'll all be dead before we get there.

MERCY: At this point, maybe that's the best thing.

GENJI: speak for urself

ANA: HE DID IT  
ANA: HE ACTUALLY JUST DID IT  
ANA: GIVE ME THAT FUCKING AUX CORD

LUCIO: _Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena!_

D.VA: rip lucio

MCCREE: fuck you

MEI: I find it amazing how the car with the least amount of people is the one causing the most trouble.

GENJI: im afraid to act up  
GENJI: i feel like roadhog might eat me

ROADHOG: thats the least you have to worry about

EMILY: I need to hang out with you lot more often.

MCCREE: no you dont  
MCCREE: we havent even scratched the surface of how bad it gets around us

EMILY: That's very hard to believe.

D.VA: believe it  
D.VA: wait until you see what ana does to lucio

EMILY: She's not going to kill him, is she?

MERCY: It's hard to tell with Ana.  
MERCY: But I imagine Lucio isn't going to be in the best shape.

GENJI: its his own fault

MERCY: Yes, it is.  
MERCY: But hopefully Ana knows better than to kill him.

GENJI: dont get ur hopes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend of mine serves as the inspiration for Lucio in this chapter. That's pretty much the reason why I refuse to get in the car with him anymore.


	29. overwatch roadtrip part 3

REINHARDT: I guess that's the end of our road trip?

WINSTON: Why are you two like this?

MCCREE: i didnt even fucking do anything  
MCCREE: it was all genji

GENJI: i disagree

D.VA: i saw you do it

GENJI: U SAW NOTHING

MERCY: Half the city saw it.  
MERCY: News stations in other countries are seeing it right now.

GENJI: it was a dare

76: Just because someone dares you doesn't mean you should do it.

GENJI: blame jesse

MCCREE: i had nothing to do with this

REAPER: **You always have something to do with these things.**

MCCREE: but i didnt this time

ANA: @HANZO  
ANA: Why is ur brother this way?

HANZO: There's several contributing factors.  
HANZO: The main problem could most likely be traced back to when our father dropped him on his head.  
HANZO: Twice.

GENJI: u promised never to talk about this

HANZO: And you promised to stop causing problems during this trip.

GENJI: i cant say i remember agreeing to that

HANZO: Much like how I can't remember saying that I would keep that secret.

MEI: Does this mean we have to leave?

76: I'm afraid of keeping the two of them here.  
76: They have a tendency to make things worse as time goes on.

MCCREE: once again i did nothing

WINSTON: Just because you did nothing this time doesn't mean you won't do something next time.

MCCREE: i want a lawyer

GENJI: i want a pretzel

REAPER: **I want to go back in time and never accept either of you into Blackwatch.**

MCCREE: harsh

MERCY: Was anyone hurt?

D.VA: besides genjis pride?

MERCY: I'm still patching Lucio up.  
MERCY: I can't exactly jump to the rescue.

D.VA: ana really fucked him up huh?

ANA: I warned him to stop pushing my buttons

MERCY: Ana, you beat him unconscious with the butt of your rifle.

ANA: And in my position u would have done the same  
ANA: Just be thankful i had enough common sense to keep him alive

MERCY: Was it really necessary?

ANA: ...  
ANA: Let me tell u a little story  
ANA: During the drive to barcelona he blasted crazy frog on repeat for the entire drive  
ANA: Then on the way here he played the gummy bear song, all about that bass, the macarena, and barbie girl in succession  
ANA: no human being deserves to sit through that

SOMBRA: jesus christ  
SOMBRA: i wouldve killed him

MERCY: Under no circumstances would killing him have been okay.

ANA: U werent there

GENJI: still not as bad as jesse blasting country music

MCCREE: fuck you

PHARAH: She's kind of justified.

MERCY: No she isn't.

D.VA: literally everyone here disagrees with you

MERCY: Murder is never an acceptable end to a problem.

GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: Stop this.

PHARAH: My mom's very crazy about her music.  
PHARAH: Pushing her is a bad idea.  
PHARAH: One time I tried playing Katy Perry while she was in the car and I got grounded for two months.

ANA: Katy perry is literally a cancer on the music industry

REAPER: **Disagree.**

ANA: Fuck u and ur shitty fucking music tastes

76: Gabe, you do have really bad tastes in music.

REAPER: **What's wrong with Adele?**

ANA: Fucking everything

D.VA: is no one else freaked out by the fact that the guy dressed in all black with a skull mask listens to pop music?

SOMBRA: not really babe  
SOMBRA: i worked with him in talon all he ever did was play female pop artists that everyone hated

WINSTON: It was the same thing before Overwatch was disbanded.

76: He tried playing Rihanna as a way to set the romantic mood.

GENJI: ew

HANZO: I didn't need to hear that.

REAPER: **The fucking people you listen to sound more like women than the actual women I listen to.**

76: Axl Rose and Geddy Lee can actually sing.  
76: Unlike everyone you play.

D.VA: god youre so old

76: Old music is superior to all.

MCCREE: if you say so

GENJI: fuck u and ur country music

SYMMETRA: Honestly, I think I'm on Captain Amari's side here.  
SYMMETRA: You can't play music like that and not expect to face the consequences.

ANA: See even satya knows how shitty it is

D.VA: how the hell did reinhardt come out of this unscathed?

REINHARDT: I'm an eight foot tall German in Power Armor.  
REINHARDT: Brute Force isn't the best way to get through to me.

ANA: I have other ways of making him pay  
ANA: Just wait  
ANA: *cracks whip*

PHARAH: Ew.

D.VA: tmi

GENJI: thats kinky

MCCREE: _STOP!_

WINSTON: Whatever it is, just keep it in your room.

TRACER: oi mates whatd we miss?

GENJI: about the same

EMILY: You caused another problem?

GENJI: problem is such a strong word

76: He destroyed the elevator in the Eiffel Tower.

GENJI: i was dared

EMILY: Good Heavens, Genji.  
EMILY: Why would you do such a thing?

GENJI: once again  
GENJI: i was dared

WIDOWMAKER: That tower has survived two wars and the Omnic Crisis.  
WIDOWMAKER: And it was severely damaged by one idiot cyborg who always has something to prove.

GENJI: no shame

WIDOWMAKER: You need shame.  
WIDOWMAKER: It makes you a better person.

GENJI: says that assassin

WIDOWMAKER: If you keep talking, you'll be my most recent kill.

GENJI: hanzo wont let u do it

HANZO: I wouldn't bet money on that.

GENJI: bro  
GENJI: y tho?

HANZO: It's not my job to protect you.

GENJI: yes it is  
GENJI: thats literally what dad told u  
GENJI: he said "u need to protect genji because he is not strong enough to protect himself" or something like that

HANZO: That was 25 years ago.  
HANZO: I'd like to think you can handle yourself now.

GENJI: u would be wrong

MEI: I'm sorry, but no one answered my question.  
MEI: Does this mean that we need to leave now?

76: I think we do.  
76: God only knows what'll happen if Jesse and Genji are allowed to keep wandering off.

MERCY: We should just be thankful that Liao isn't here to influence them further.

MCCREE: god i fucking miss that man

WIDOWMAKER: I'm not leaving.  
WIDOWMAKER: France is my home and I intend to stay here as long as I can.

D.VA: you might as well  
D.VA: lucio already paid for it

MEI: Zarya and I might stay for a little longer as well.

SOMBRA: but youre our ride...

ZARYA: Deal with it.  
ZARYA: Find another way home then.

76: Is everyone accounted for?

WINSTON: We're just missing Roadhog, Junkrat, and Bastion.

BASTION: (｀ ● ●）´ )

ROADHOG: bastions with me

WINSTON: And Junkrat?

ROADHOG: im sure you can guess where he is

76: The trunk again?

ROADHOG: yup

WINSTON: How in the world are you keeping him in there?

REAPER: Maybe we should do the same with Jesse and Genji.

ROADHOG: unlike the two of them junkrat isnt smart enough to get himself out

JUNKRAT: OI IM PRETTY SMART

ROADHOG: no youre not

JUNKRAT: WHY CANT I JUST GO SEE THE TOWER?

ROADHOG: because if youre anything like genji youll destroy it

JUNKRAT: IM NOT THAT BAD MATE

ROADHOG: you are

76: Okay, so who's staying?

ZARYA: Mei and I.

HANZO: Satya, Widowmaker, and I are staying for the time being.  
HANZO: Bastion can stay if he wants.

BASTION: :D

WINSTON: So everyone else is coming back?

MCCREE: i aint got much of a choice

GENJI: same

LUCIO: i cant feel my face

ANA: Good

WINSTON: Okay, we'll head out then.  
WINSTON: You five keep in touch and let us know when you're coming back.

MEI: We'll probably stay for another day and head back.  
MEI: We just wanted to see the whole city.

WIDOWMAKER: We'll be back by the end of the week.  
WIDOWMAKER: Being back here is much better than either the Watchpoint or Talon's Headquarters.

76: I can't entirely disagree with that.

LUCIO: were leaving already?

WINSTON: This was doomed to fail from the start and you know it.

LUCIO: i guess youre right  
LUCIO: i call shotgun

ANA: If u sit shotgun i will actually kill u this time around

LUCIO: well then i guess ill sit in the back and say nothing else

ANA: Yeah u better fucking do that

REINHARDT: This drive back is going to be infinitely worse than all of the other drives.

MCCREE: i still dont see why we couldnt take the fucking orca

D.VA: prob because lenas the only certified pilot and shes always too busy fucking emily anyway

TRACER: oi shes pretty leave me alone

EMILY: You're not wrong.

LUCIO: gay

EMILY: You know better than I do that, if given the chance, you'd do the same thing.

LUCIO: ...okay but

WINSTON: Get in the cars.  
WINSTON: We are leaving.

______________________________

LUCIO: what the fuck is this?

ANA: This is called killswitch engage  
ANA: Otherwise known as an actual good band

LUCIO: whats with all the screaming?

76: Oh god, she's playing that again?

ANA: Fuck u jack its good

LUCIO: i dont even know what theyre saying

ANA: Ur clearly not paying attention

GENJI: anything is still better than jesse playing country

MCCREE: complaining about my music will not make me change it

GENJI: pls  
GENJI: i cant handle this for twenty hours

MCCREE: deal with it

LUCIO: how has this guy not lost his voice?

ANA: Because he actually knows how to sing?

LUCIO: thats not singing  
LUCIO: i dont even think thats music

REAPER: **Thank you.**

ANA: Fuck u

PHARAH: You didn't have to grow up listening to this stuff.

LUCIO: thank god because i wouldve killed myself

ANA: This is what u get for subjecting me to ur shitty meme music

LUCIO: why is reinhardt taking this so well?

MERCY: He's very open to other forms of music.  
MERCY: Unlike the rest of us.

LUCIO: this isnt music

ANA: Fuck u  
ANA: Have an open mind

LUCIO: my minds about to explode  
LUCIO: this is way too loud

ANA: Now u know how it feels bitch

WINSTON: This is going to be a twenty plus hour drive, Lucio.  
WINSTON: I hope you're prepared.

LUCIO: i see the mistakes in what ive done and im very sorry

ANA: Too bad  
ANA: This is happening

LUCIO: make it stop

ANA: never

D.VA: rip lucio

MCCREE: fuck you

SOMBRA: HANA STOP IT WITH THE BLUE SHELLS

D.VA: JUST BECAUSE I LOVE YOU DOESNT MEAN IM GONNA LET YOU WIN

SOMBRA: ILL HACK THE GAME

D.VA: IF YOU HACK THIS GAME I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH

GENJI: hawt

WINSTON: This isn't private messaging, stop it.

REAPER: **Why are you two messaging in here?**  
REAPER: **You're in the same car.**

D.VA: FUCK YOU

SOMBRA: oh so youll fuck him but not me?

MERCY: Please stop.

GENJI: ill fuck u sombra

D.VA: no ones allowed to fuck my girlfriend but me

WINSTON: This conversation got oddly sexual very quickly.

REAPER: **As per the usual for Overwatch.**

GENJI: dude have u seen sombra?  
GENJI: hanas literally the luckiest person ever

SOMBRA: aw thanks

JUNKRAT: NOT AS LUCKY AS PHARAH

MERCY: Please stop.

LUCIO: anyone is luckier than i am rn  
LUCIO: this noise is hurting my ears

ANA: Welcome to the club

LUCIO: this is what you listen to?

ANA: Fuck yes

LUCIO: how are you not deaf?

ANA: Because i dont subject myself to horrible sounding music

LUCIO: im gonna have to disagree

ANA: Too fucking bad

WINSTON: Just eighteen more hours, Lucio.

LUCIO: IM GONNA DIE

ANA: _GOOD_

___________________________

LUCIO: MY EARS ARE RINGING

ANA: THATS WHAT U GET

MERCY: At least we're all back now.

REINHARDT: That ride was much less chaotic than the other ones were.

MCCREE: our car was pretty average

WINSTON: That's not good.

76: If something's average around here, that usually means it's really bad anywhere else.

ZENYATTA: Our ride wasn't bad.  
ZENYATTA: Genji and I continued playing cards.  
ZENYATTA: Jesse controlled the radio.

GENJI: fucking asshole

ZENYATTA: And Roadhog drove very well.

ROADHOG: thanks

JUNKRAT: IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE FREE

LUCIO: was he locked in the trunk for the entire trip?

ROADHOG: yes

LUCIO: why?

ROADHOG: once again  
ROADHOG: none of you understand how dangerous it wouldve been to let him out

JUNKRAT: IM GONNA GO STRETCH MY LEG

ROADHOG: dont blow anything up or else im sticking you back in the trunk

JUNKRAT: PLS DONT

WINSTON: @HANZO @MEI  
WINSTON: How are you all holding up?

MEI: Very well.  
MEI: Zarya and I are going to head back in a few hours.

HANZO: We're doing well.  
HANZO: It's amazing how much more relaxing it is once the children are gone.

76: Yes, you are very fortunate.

GENJI: i hope ur not talking about me  
GENJI: im 35

HANZO: Why don't you try acting like it once and a while?

GENJI: lol no

HANZO: Exactly my point.

EMILY: Is it okay if I stick around for a few days?

LUCIO: depends  
LUCIO: are you and tracer just going to fuck nonstop?

EMILY: ...That's none of your business.

TRACER: you bet we are!

GENJI: gay

MCCREE: gay

WINSTON: I don't mind having you around base, Emily.  
WINSTON: Just as long as you can handle the craziness that comes with it.

EMILY: I'm sure it'll be fine.

76: It won't.  
76: But okay.

GENJI: okay were finally back  
GENJI: talon agents go home

REAPER: **I will be going nowhere.**

SOMBRA: fight me

GENJI: im joking...

REAPER: **Smart.**

D.VA: does talon even really exist anymore?  
D.VA: i mean its three top agents have all basically defected to overwatch

REAPER: **It's still active.**  
REAPER: **Even though it doesn't do much anymore.**

LUCIO: word

WINSTON: Well, I hope everyone enjoyed their trip.  
WINSTON: Even though a _certain group of someones_ resulted in it being cut short.

MCCREE: is he talking about us?

GENJI: of course hes talking about us  
GENJI: even tho he seems to forget that mercy and pharah almost got arrested for fucking on the bridge of love

PHARAH: It's called the Bridge of Love for a reason.

WIDOWMAKER: It's actually called the _Pont des Arts._  
WIDOWMAKER: Which says nothing about Love.

PHARAH: No asked you.

WIDOWMAKER: I'm just trying to correct you.

LUCIO: well i learned a valuable lesson this week  
LUCIO: never take overwatch in public

76: You've been here for well over a year and you're just now realizing this?

LUCIO: shut up

ANA: I hope u die

LUCIO: its just music  
LUCIO: im already over it why arent you?

ANA: Because i cant get over something like this

PHARAH: Better be careful, Lucio.  
PHARAH: My mother's well-known for holding grudges.

REINHARDT: This is very true.

LUCIO: well fuck

MCCREE: say your prayers kid

GENJI: prayers wont help you either

LUCIO: alright ill go fuck myself

ANA: Good

76: Ana's never really going to recover from this experience.  
76: She's going to hold us all accountable.

WINSTON: I don't care.  
WINSTON: Now she sees what I go through on a daily basis.

EMILY: I just came along for the ride...

ANA: U are literally the only one who didnt do anything wrong

EMILY: :)

ANA: Everyone else tho  
ANA: Theyre in for it  
ANA: Especially lucio

D.VA: rip

MCCREE: fucking shut up

REINHARDT: Maybe now, things can start getting back to normal?

GENJI: pls  
GENJI: this is overwatch  
GENJI: theres no such thing as normal here


	30. merry christmas overwatch

76: Can we not do anything stupid this year?

MCCREE: do you honestly think i would fuck up my favorite holiday?

REAPER: **Absolutely.**

MCCREE: what would you know?

REAPER: **I essentially raised you.**  
REAPER: **You were like a son to me.**

D.VA: cute

REAPER: **Shut up.**

LUCIO: do we get presents?

WINSTON: Overwatch had a tradition of exchanging Secret Santa gifts.  
WINSTON: Unfortunately, I think we have far too many members to make it work properly this time around.

GENJI: boo

D.VA: we should do it anyway

MERCY: Secret Santa was always pretty fun.

PHARAH: My mom even let me come that one year.

ANA: That was the worst possible year i couldve taken u

MCCREE: was that the year liao got gerard the itching powder?

REINHARDT: That was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

76: No it wasn't.  
76: It got on me too.

ANA: that  
ANA: When kimiko got lena the expired taco

TRACER: i still ate it!

MCCREE: thats cause youre disgusting

ANA: Angela got gabe a rubber chicken

REAPER: **I hate you.**

MERCY: You were in tears because of how hard you were laughing.

REAPER: **Those weren't tears of laughter.**  
REAPER: **Those were tears of depression.**

LUCIO: lmao

GENJI: liaos was the best tho

D.VA: the more you talk about this liao guy the more i wish he was here right now cause i would have loved him

ANA: Jesses present for liao was priceless  
ANA: He got liao a shirt

LUCIO: boring

ANA: Let me finish  
ANA: It said Daddys little princess

D.VA: holy fuck

ANA: With a picture of reinhardts face on the back

LUCIO: i almost just choked on my drink

MCCREE: wasnt that your idea jack?

76: I was there when it was being discussed, but no, I had no influence on it.

REINHARDT: I think it was Mirembe's idea.

REAPER: **It was.**

D.VA: god i wish i was around during the old overwatch days  
D.VA: i wouldve had a blast

WINSTON: No you wouldn't have.

D.VA: dont be so sure

LUCIO: come on winston we have to do secret santa this year  
LUCIO: keep the tradition going

WINSTON: I wouldn't mind keeping it going.  
WINSTON: I just think that there's too many members.

REINHARDT: I'll organize it.

MCCREE: not again

GENJI: the last time u did that the only name u put in the hat was urs and everyone ended up buying a present for u

REINHARDT: And it was the best Christmas ever.

76: For you.

ANA: Ill keep an eye on him to make sure he doesnt cheat

MCCREE: you are the least qualified for that  
MCCREE: im still mad about the poker game

ANA: U still cant prove anything

D.VA: i dont like you

ANA: Deal with it

WINSTON: I'm really not sure about this.

76: I don't think it matters.  
76: You know that it's going to happen anyway.

WINSTON: I know.  
WINSTON: Unfortunately.

REINHARDT: @EVERYONE  
REINHARDT: SECRET SANTA DRAW WILL BE IN ONE HOUR IN THE COMMON ROOM  
REINHARDT: BE THERE.

MEI: Secret Santa sounds like fun.

MCCREE: it wont be if genjis the one getting you a present

GENJI: hey my gifts are fun

MCCREE: said no one ever

HANZO: I'm not participating in this.

REINHARDT: You are.

D.VA: can talon come?

WINSTON: Why are you even asking me anymore?  
WINSTON: You know just as well as I do that you're just going to bring them along anyway.

D.VA: i wanted to humor you

WINSTON: Stop it.

SOMBRA: gabe and i will be there  
SOMBRA: ill get widow too

REAPER: **Stop calling me that!**

SOMBRA: its your name isnt it?

REAPER: **Gabriel Reyes died a long time ago.**

76: As did his romantic side.

LUCIO: gay

REAPER: **SILENCE!**

REINHARDT: I'm serious.  
REINHARDT: One hour.  
REINHARDT: Whoever isn't here will be hunted down by Ana and none of you want that.

____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

ANGELA: Genji, are you there?

GENJI: im always here

ANGELA: Do you have a suggestion of what I should buy for Hanzo?

GENJI: anthrax

ANGELA: Something that _won't_ kill him?

GENJI: its not gonna matter  
GENJI: hes gonna hate whatever u buy him  
GENJI: ur better off buying him nothing

ANGELA: There has to be something I can get him.

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: well

_____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

SATYA: Did I really have to be a part of this?

JESSE: come on satya wheres your holiday spirit?

SATYA: It's there.  
SATYA: I just feel like I'm going to regret participating.

JESSE: i already know what genjis getting for reyes and i guarantee nothing you can buy will be worse than that

SATYA: What if Winston doesn't like my gift?

JESSE: i swear youre literally the best person to get him a gift  
JESSE: youre like the only one he doesnt hate  
JESSE: hell appreciate it regardless of what it is

SATYA: What are you buying for Bastion?

JESSE: im just getting him a santa hat  
JESSE: you have no idea how happy thats going to make him

SATYA: That's awfully cute.

JESSE: bastions a very simple omnic  
JESSE: it doesnt take much to make him happy

SATYA: I guess I'll give it a shot then.

JESSE: good on you  
JESSE: remember that gag gifts are also acceptable

SATYA: I think I'll pass.

JESSE: suit yourself

__________________________

REINHARDT: Is everyone here?

WIDOWMAKER: Unfortunately.

SOMBRA: dont act like you didnt want to come along

WIDOWMAKER: I didn't.

SOMBRA: party pooper

REINHARDT: Did everyone get their gifts?

JUNKRAT: WAIT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BUY GIFTS?

GENJI: bruh

76: What the hell did you think the point of this was?

JUNKRAT: IDK I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST PULLING NAMES OUT A HAT

D.VA: looks like someones gonna have a very disappointing day

JUNKRAT: NAH DONT WORRY I PULLED MY OWN NAME OUT

REINHARDT: ...  
REINHARDT: You were supposed to tell me if you pulled your own name out...

JUNKRAT: I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST RECOMMENDED THAT I DO THAT

REINHARDT: ...  
REINHARDT: @ROADHOG  
REINHARDT: How in the world did you deal with this all these years?

ROADHOG: i have no idea  
ROADHOG: i guess i just became numb to it all

LUCIO: can we open the presents now?

REINHARDT: That's why I asked if everyone was here.

HANZO: I still don't see why I needed to participate in this.

GENJI: can u lighten up for like ten minutes?

HANZO: No.

MCCREE: whos going first?

MEI: I'll go first!

MCCREE: okay who did you buy for?

MEI: Lena.

TRACER: yay!

MEI: Here it is.

TRACER: omg a watch!  
TRACER: i needed one really bad!  
TRACER: thanks mei!

MEI: You're welcome.

LUCIO: wait were we supposed to buy actual gifts?

MCCREE: gag gifts are okay too

GENJI: just make sure u didnt buy it for ana or jack

MCCREE: yeah especially jack

MERCY: No one's allowed to buy him gag gifts after the hair spray.

76: _DO NOT EVER SPEAK ABOUT IT AGAIN!_

ANA: He didnt take that hat off for like three months

REINHARDT: How long did it take for your hair to grow back evenly?

76: _TOO LONG!_

LUCIO: off topic  
LUCIO: whos next?

SYMMETRA: I guess I'll get mine over with.  
SYMMETRA: My gift is for Winston.

D.VA: lucky for winston

WINSTON: A box of Peanut Butter?  
WINSTON: With a side of bananas?  
WINSTON: How very thoughtful, Satya.  
WINSTON: Thank you very much.

SOMBRA: what a wholesome present

GENJI: yeah thats the only time well see that today

76: Can we just get this over with?

MCCREE: fine fine  
MCCREE: here bastion  
MCCREE: i got you that santa hat you wanted

BASTION: :D

TRACER: awwww

D.VA: thats soooooooo cute!!!

ZENYATTA: You've made Bastion very happy, Jesse.

MCCREE: i try

GENJI: ME NEXT

MCCREE: oh no

GENJI: i bought something for reyes

REAPER: **I'm going to regret opening this, aren't I?**

MCCREE: you have no idea

GENJI: OPEN IT!

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Seriously?**

LUCIO: LMAO!!!

D.VA: DEAD

ANA: Saw that coming

REINHARDT: And just like that, the maturity has evaporated.

PHARAH: Genji, why?

GENJI: its funny okay?

REAPER: **Lubricant?**

GENJI: u could use some

LUCIO: I CANT FUCKING BREATHE

MCCREE: i said it was bad

REAPER: **I guess I deserve this.**

MERCY: That's an understatement.

LUCIO: STILL CANT STOP LAUGHING

MERCY: Should we move on, or should we give everyone a few moments?

LUCIO: GO ON WITHOUT ME

MERCY: Okay then.  
MERCY: Hanzo, this one is for you.

HANZO: Hmph.  
HANZO: ...  
HANZO: For fuck's sake.

LUCIO: I THINK IM ABOUT TO PUKE UP MY LUNGS

GENJI: OMG U ACTUALLY DID IT

MCCREE: what the fuck?

76: Where the fuck did you get that?

HANZO: Angela, this entire incident was just a rumor started by Genji and his friends when we were in primary school.

MERCY: I honestly had no other better ideas.

HANZO: I would've accepted nothing.

MERCY: If I gave you nothing I would've felt bad.

GENJI: ANGELA I FUCKING LOVE U SO MUCH MORE THAN U WILL EVER UNDERSTAND

PHARAH: Back off, son.

GENJI: sure thing mommy

MERCY: Don't use that term.  
MERCY: She's only allowed to call me Mommy.

LUCIO: THATS IT I CANT ANYMORE

ANA: Angela stop

MERCY: Sorry, couldn't help myself.

HANZO: This is exactly why I didn't want to be a part of this.

MCCREE: hanzo is there something you want to tell us?

HANZO: I just explained it.

**User [GENJI] changed chatroom name to [HANZO SHIMADA: FURRY CONNOISSEUR]**

HANZO: I fucking hate you.

GENJI: eat it bitch!

SOMBRA: wait are you actually a furry?

HANZO: _**NO!**_

GENJI: he is  
GENJI: i saw the files on his computer before he killed me

HANZO: _**GENJI...**_

GENJI: sometimes he would draw pictures of the dragons in fur suits

HANZO: _I'M WARNING YOU..._

D.VA: omg stop

GENJI: and then for halloween one year he dressed up as a furry and got splattered with paint by the neighbors

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: _RYUU GA WAGE TEKI WO KURAU!_

GENJI: WAIT NO!

__________________________

WINSTON: I thought I could trust you, Hanzo.

HANZO: Up until that point, you could.  
HANZO: This is why I request to be excluded from these things.

MCCREE: what the hell exploded

LUCIO: that was my present  
LUCIO: i got jack six sticks of dynamite

76: ...Why?

LUCIO: cause

GENJI: i cant feel my legs

HANZO: Good.

MERCY: Must violence always be the solution?

HANZO: You've dealt with him just as long as I have.  
HANZO: Unfortunately, yes.

ANA: Why do our holidays always end up like this?

REINHARDT: This is Overwatch.  
REINHARDT: It's almost guaranteed.

LUCIO: overwatch holidays are always fun

SYMMETRA: Not all of us think that blowing stuff up is fun.

JUNKRAT: SPEAK FOR URSELF

ROADHOG: merry christmas?

TRACER: merry christmas!

76: Merry Christmas.  
76: I guess.

GENJI: i need healing

MERCY: One of these days, Genji, I swear I'm going to let you writhe in agony.

GENJI: pls dont

WINSTON: I can't believe any of you.

D.VA: this has been going on for way too long  
D.VA: you need to get used to it

WINSTON: I don't think it's possible to get used to all of you.

REAPER: **This is why I joined Talon.**

SOMBRA: its not much better over there

REAPER: **Quiet.**

LUCIO: soooo  
LUCIO: should we start planning for next year?

WINSTON: There won't be a next year at this rate.

MERCY: You'll all probably kill each other before we make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to post this today because I am booked solid for the next three days and I want to get this out before Christmas. I hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday, and I'm thankful that you're all still reading this disaster.


	31. talon arrives in full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm sorry for the huge delay on this chapter. I've been having massive computer problems since Christmas and I just recently managed to get them fixed. With this chapter, we have all the current characters finally added to the story. Just a quick heads up, I stopped playing Overwatch right around the time that Moira came out, so I know very little about her origin story, although I tried to read up on what I could. Hopefully, I didn't make a terribly inaccurate portrayal of her.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for your patience, and I hope you enjoy!

WINSTON: No.

MCCREE: okay seriously why ask?  
MCCREE: we all know that youre gonna do it anyway

SOMBRA: i know  
SOMBRA: i just wanted winston to think that he had some kind of power here

WINSTON: Why must you be this way?

SOMBRA: im a troubled human

REAPER: **Understatement of the Year.**

76: Don't add any Talon agents to the chat.

SOMBRA: um why?  
SOMBRA: Gabe widow and i are already here  
SOMBRA: are more really going to kill you?

REAPER: **STOP CALLING ME THAT!**

76: At this point in my life, I'm becoming more hopeful that something does kill me.

REAPER: **That can be arranged.**

76: Shut the fuck up.

MCCREE: yeah seriously shut up  
MCCREE: none of us want to help with your marriage problems anymore

REAPER: **Still not married.**

ANA: Ur basically married at this point

SOMBRA: okay so im adding more people to the chat

WINSTON: I don't care anymore.

GENJI: clearly  
GENJI: ur not even trying to stop her

WINSTON: There's no point.  
WINSTON: In case any of you forgot, she's the best hacker in the world.

SOMBRA: aw thanks winston

WINSTON: Don't talk to me.

SOMBRA: alright fuck you too

TRACER: lol

SOMBRA: anyone oppose?

76: Me.

SOMBRA: okay no objections

LUCIO: rekted

**[SOMBRA] added [AKANDE OGUNDIMU] to chatroom [KNICK KNACK PADDY WHACK GIVE A DOG YOUR DICK]**

**[SOMBRA] added [MOIRA O'DEORAIN] to chatroom [KNICK KNACK PADDY WHACK GIVE A DOG YOUR DICK]**

SOMBRA: hi akande

AKANDE: What is this?

SOMBRA: a chatroom

AKANDE: No shit, Sherlock.

LUCIO: i fucking love this guy already

AKANDE: ...  
AKANDE: What have you gotten me into, Sombra?

GENJI: well depending on who u ask  
GENJI: either the greatest or the worst decision of ur life

AKANDE: It will probably be the latter.

**[AKANDE OGUNDIMU] changed name to [DOOMFIST]**

TRACER: wait!  
TRACER: thats who this guy is?

GENJI: not this asshole again

DOOMFIST: Now hold on a minute...  
DOOMFIST: Who put who in prison again?

GENJI: if it was up to me i wouldve locked u in a cage with rabid cats

DOOMFIST: And what would that have done?

GENJI: fuck if i know  
GENJI: i just know that u would get bitten a lot

DOOMFIST: Charming.

WINSTON: Sombra, I didn't agree to this.

SOMBRA: im pretty sure you said that you didnt care anymore

REAPER: **You did say that.**

DOOMFIST: They have you wrapped up in this, too?

REAPER: **I've tried to leave several times.**  
REAPER: **You know how Sombra is.**

DOOMFIST: Unfortunately, I do.

SOMBRA: hey that wasnt nice

DOOMFIST: Sue me.

SOMBRA: dont tempt me

ORISA: Doomfist is here?

DOOMFIST: This is not actually happening to me.

REAPER: **Welcome to Hell.**

GENJI: hell is too good for this douchecanoe

DOOMFIST: I'm pretty sure Douche Canoe is two words.

GENJI: FUCK U

ORISA: There is a large list of words that I could say to you at this very moment.  
ORISA: However, I have much better control over my emotions.  
ORISA: Unlike you.

DOOMFIST: I don't want to be here anymore.

SOMBRA: too bad!  
SOMBRA: if you leave i can just bring you back!

DOOMFIST: Is it too late to return to prison?

WINSTON: Yes.

DOOMFIST: Shit.

LUCIO: dont worry its fun in here

DOOMFIST: Somehow, I doubt that.

GENJI: i fucking hate u

DOOMFIST: I'm feeling the love.

GENJI: no u dont  
GENJI: u feel nothing but hate

MOIRA: Where's my introduction?

SOMBRA: i must have left it in my other pants

D.VA: those are still in my room btw

MCCREE: gay

DOOMFIST: You don't get an introduction.

MOIRA: Why not?

SOMBRA: no one likes you.

MOIRA: :(

MERCY: What the fuck is she doing here?

MOIRA: Oh hi Angela.  
MOIRA: ;-)

PHARAH: Am I going to have to fuck a bitch up?

LUCIO: do it

MERCY: I think so.

MOIRA: What's with all the aggression?

ANA: Is this the blackwatch bitch?

DOOMFIST: I certainly feel welcome here.

MCCREE: get used to it  
MCCREE: its only going to get worse

DOOMFIST: It must get very bad here, then.

ORISA: Fuck you.

LUCIO: yeah just about

DOOMFIST: I thought you had better control over your emotions.

REINHARDT: Isn't she a robot?  
REINHARDT: Does she even have emotions?

ORISA: Yes.  
ORISA: And Doomfist hurt them severely.  
ORISA: Evil Mother Fucking Cock Sucker.

LUCIO: my virgin ears

D.VA: you know its bad when orisa curses  
D.VA: she doesnt even know what curse words are

MOIRA: Why is no one talking to me?

ANA: We dont associate with criminals

MOIRA: You've been in a group chat with Reaper, Widowmaker, and Sombra for God knows how long.  
MOIRA: And Widowmaker's killed people.

WIDOWMAKER: Don't get me involved in this conversation.

DOOMFIST: Was it this hostile when you joined?

WIDOWMAKER: It's always hostile.

LUCIO: not true  
LUCIO: we usually warm up to you after a while

MERCY: Except for you, Moira.

MOIRA: I have literally done nothing wrong.

MERCY: You performed some of the most unethical experiments in history in order to try and validate your stupid research.

MOIRA: You and your stupid ethics.  
MOIRA: You don't change the world by following the rules.

MERCY: That's so wrong and you know it.

REAPER: **I don't need this argument to happen again.**

MERCY: You don't understand, Reyes.

MCCREE: dont call him reyes

GENJI: yeah call him gabe

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY YOU!**

MOIRA: Angela, why don't you just admit that you're freakishly attracted to me?

DOOMFIST: Well, this took a turn rather quickly.

LUCIO: yeah thats gonna happen a lot

PHARAH: I'm sorry...  
PHARAH: Who exactly do you think you are?

MOIRA: Well, if Sombra would have properly introduced me, you would know.

SOMBRA: hey dont blame me

MOIRA: I'm blaming you.

WIDOWMAKER: Just like back at Talon.

SOMBRA: why do you all hate me?

D.VA: i dont hate you

MCCREE: yeah id believe that

GENJI: u dont usually spend six hours fucking someone u hate

ANA: Havent u heard of hate fucking?

76: This conversation needs to stop.

MCCREE: keep dreaming captain america

DOOMFIST: I hate you.

SOMBRA: why though?

DOOMFIST: Because you added me to this chat.

ORISA: You deserve worse.

DOOMFIST: I've heard just about enough out of you for the time being.

ORISA: I'm not going anywhere.  
ORISA: Douchecanoe.

DOOMFIST: I'm still pretty sure Douche Canoe is two words.

GENJI: no one asked u

MOIRA: I bet Angela would know the proper spelling.

MERCY: I'm not speaking to you.

MOIRA: You will.  
MOIRA: You can't hide from your feelings.

D.VA: is she hitting on mercy?

MCCREE: she better take a step back

PHARAH: She'd better take more than one step back.

MOIRA: And why should I?

PHARAH: If you touch her, I will kindly but very violently rip your limbs off.

DOOMFIST: Can those words even be used together like that?

76: I'm not one for giving advice, but I would stop talking while you're ahead.

DOOMFIST: Fair point.  
DOOMFIST: I'll just watch this one unfold.

ORISA: Fuck you.

DOOMFIST: Please stop.

MOIRA: Okay Angela, who's your protective friend?

MERCY: *Ignoring Moira*

MCCREE: thats fareeha

ANA: My daughter

GENJI: also known as angelas girlfriend

MOIRA: ...Girlfriend?

PHARAH: That's goddamn right.

MOIRA: You have a girlfriend, Angela?

MERCY: ...

PHARAH: Yeah, so that means you will stop flirting with her, now.

MOIRA: I'm okay with a three way, honestly.  
MOIRA: That doesn't deter me.

LUCIO: LMAO

REAPER: **This needs to stop.**

TRACER: unlikely!

PHARAH: Uh...  
PHARAH: I'll be honest, I don't know how to properly respond to that.

MOIRA: That was the goal.  
MOIRA: Just know that I'm also very serious.

REINHARDT: What is happening?

76: Whatever it is, please finish it.

MOIRA: Angela and her friend will have to finish it first.  
MOIRA: No one finishes before me.

GENJI: thats hot

LUCIO: IM DYING

D.VA: OMG

76: _Stop..._

WINSTON: Sombra, why did you have to do this to us?

SOMBRA: call it a force of habit

DOOMFIST: You're not going to let me leave, are you?

SOMBRA: not really no

DOOMFIST: Damn.

MOIRA: I don't mind staying.  
MOIRA: Especially if it means I can catch up with Angela.  
MOIRA: *wink wink*

PHARAH: I will fucking hurt you.

MOIRA: Pain turns me on.

76: I can't handle any more of this.

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [KNICK KNACK PADDY WHACK GIVE A DOG YOUR DICK]**

DOOMFIST: What in the world is that chatroom name?

LUCIO: hana got drunk a few nights ago and started adding your dick to the end of songs  
LUCIO: thats the one that stuck for whatever reason

DOOMFIST: Who is Hana again?

D.VA: me

GENJI: the girl that sombra keeps fucking

DOOMFIST: Ah.

SOMBRA: this chatroom is going to be so much more fun now that youre here akande

DOOMFIST: I sure hope not.

MOIRA: What about me?

MERCY: Fuck you.

MOIRA: Sure thing, sweet lips.  
MOIRA: Just name the time and place.

PHARAH: _I swear to fucking God..._

MCCREE: prepare yourself genji  
MCCREE: were witnessing the beginning of a war

GENJI: fuck were out of popcorn

REINHARDT: I'm doing the shopping this week.  
REINHARDT: Remind me to write down that we need more popcorn.

GENJI: dont do anything funny until jesse and i have popcorn

PHARAH: At this rate, she's going to be dead before that.

MOIRA: I wouldn't be so sure.

________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

MOIRA: Are you sure that we can't just get dinner and catch up?  
MOIRA: Or maybe a movie?  
MOIRA: We could go to that Italian place that you like so much.  
MOIRA: I still remember.  
MOIRA: I don't know how I could forget.  
MOIRA: You wanted to go out there every night.  
MOIRA: Remember when Jesse and Liao started the food fight with the waiters?  
MOIRA: And then Winston wouldn't let any of us back there?  
MOIRA: Those were good times.  
MOIRA: I know that you can see these texts, Angela.

ANGELA: WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?

________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

ANGELA: I want her out of this chatroom.  
ANGELA: _Now!_

SOMBRA: yeah sorry no  
SOMBRA: i forgot how to hack

ANGELA: Sombra...

SOMBRA: whoops

ANGELA: Please don't put me through this.

SOMBRA: but watching you all be uncomfortable is so funny

ANGELA: Please.

SOMBRA: oh sorry hana wants to get some dinner so i need to go

ANGELA: _DON'T DO THIS!!!_

SOMBRA: bye


	32. shenanigans ensue

**5-10-20XX**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

MORRISON: I know one of you is responsible for this.

LIAO: you know nothing

MCCREE: commander i swear i didnt do it

MORRISON: Surely, you understand why I don't believe you.

MCCREE: im serious

LIAO: hey jack  
LIAO: fuck you

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: Yeah, it was Liao.

LIAO: wait no

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

GENJI: it was liao  
GENJI: i dont even know what he did  
GENJI: but it was him

LACROIX: Shocker.

LIAO: no im serious i had nothing to do with it

MORRISON: You say that all the time.

LIAO: and im usually telling the truth

MCCREE: usually

LACROIX: That's just another way of saying that he's never telling the truth.

LIAO: IT WASNT FUCKING ME

GENJI: okay excuse my ignorance  
GENJI: but what happened?

MORRISON: You really don't know?  
MORRISON: If anyone, I'd expect you to know first.

GENJI: yeah lena and i have been playing mario party all day ive been in the dark

MCCREE: i thought winston banned mario party

GENJI: he did  
GENJI: but what he doesnt know wont hurt him

LACROIX: You do understand that Athena can very easily go through the camera footage, right?

GENJI: she cant if the cameras mysteriously stopped working

MORRISON: Why do you do these things?

GENJI: my brain isnt wired correctly  
GENJI: u can thank angela for that

MCCREE: im pretty sure it wasnt wired correctly before the accident

LIAO: id believe it

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

WINSTON: Alright, who did it?

MCCREE: it was liao

LIAO: NO IT WASNT

GENJI: it was def liao

LIAO: OMG GENJI SHUT THE FUCK UP

REINHARDT: Angela's going to kill you.

LIAO: I DIDNT DO IT

LACROIX: I don't think it matters.  
LACROIX: You're the scapegoat.

LIAO: FUCK

GENJI: okay for real tho  
GENJI: what did he do?

MORRISON: He flooded the Medical Wing.

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: what?

MORRISON: I don't know how either.

LIAO: IT  
LIAO: WASNT  
LIAO: ME

WINSTON: I'll get Athena to check the camera feed.  
WINSTON: We'll figure out who's responsible.

GENJI: oh yeah about that

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: _Genji._

GENJI: i kinda disabled the cameras around the watchpoint

WINSTON: ...Why?

MCCREE: he and lena were playing mario party

GENJI: JESSE NO

WINSTON: I'm pretty sure I banned Mario Party after the Happy Hour Incident.

REINHARDT: Next time, don't touch my stars.

LACROIX: There won't be a next time because of you.

MCCREE: it took torb like two weeks to rebuild the common room

REINHARDT: I'm not sorry.

GENJI: seriously tho how do u flood the fucking med wing?

WINSTON: Don't change the subject.  
WINSTON: I'll deal with you and Lena later.

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

KIMIKO: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

GENJI: well part of my brain was destroyed so that probably has a lot to do with it

KIMIKO: Fair point.

WINSTON: Kimiko, what's going on in the Medical Wing?

KIMIKO: Angela's not happy.  
KIMIKO: Ana and I have been trying to calm her down but it's not working.

MCCREE: good job liao

LIAO: OMG I DIDNT DO IT

GENJI: he did it

LIAO: FUCK YOU

KIMIKO: Liao...  
KIMIKO: How?

LIAO: IT WASNT FUCKING ME

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

ANA: Ok really whoever did it needs to run

MCCREE: @LIAO

LIAO: GUYS  
LIAO: I DIDNT DO IT

ANA: Good luck explaining that to angela  
ANA: Shes sprinting towards ur room as we speak

LIAO: FUCK

**[LIAO] left chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

MCCREE: hes gonna die

LACROIX: Most likely.

WINSTON: Well, with that out of the way.  
WINSTON: How exactly are we going to remove all the water from the Medical Wing?

KIMIKO: I bet Reinhardt could drink all of it.

REINHARDT: You would lose that bet quite convincingly.

MORRISON: We could probably ask Torbjorn to build something to get rid of all of it.

ANA: Hes not gonna have the time hes still repairing the orca

WINSTON: He wouldn't have to repair it if someone hadn't tried to fly in between trees.

MCCREE: blame lena

WINSTON: She's the only person I can blame.

MORRISON: So, what do we do about this?

GENJI: we should take the watchpoint and _push it_ somewhere else

REINHARDT: I SECOND THAT NOTION!  
REINHARDT: AND JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS, GENJI IS MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON.

GENJI: pleasure doing business with u

ANA: Thats not going to work

MCCREE: obviously

GENJI: it was worth a shot  
GENJI: at least reinhardt appreciated it

KIMIKO: I'm pretty sure Liao's being murdered right now.

MORRISON: Either that, or two grizzly bears are fighting to the death outside

MCCREE: theres grizzly bears here?

MORRISON: No Jesse.

MCCREE: okay thank god

GENJI: its fine angela can revive him

KIMIKO: She can't if he's in pieces.

REINHARDT: You clearly don't understand how her Caduceus Staff works.

KIMIKO: Her Caduceus Staff clearly doesn't understand how modern medicine works.

MCCREE: im sorry who has the medical license again?

KIMIKO: Not the staff.

MORRISON: Nor do you.  
MORRISON: End of discussion.

WINSTON: Well, that just leaves one more problem to deal with.  
WINSTON: Genji, what did I tell you about playing Mario Party?

GENJI: fuck

___________________________

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

REYES: What the fuck happened?

MCCREE: where have you been?

REYES: Watering my Marigolds.

MCCREE: ...what?

KIMIKO: Marigolds is Jack's codename.

MORRISON: No it isn't stop.

REINHARDT: Don't put that image in my head, please.

REYES: No, I'm serious.  
REYES: I was watering the flowers in the garden.

WINSTON: I would check the cameras to prove or disprove that claim, but unfortunately, I am unable to do so.

GENJI: shrugs

LACROIX: Long story short, Liao flooded the Medical Wing and we're all pretty sure Angela maimed him.

WINSTON: I would check the cameras to make sure he's still alive, but you know.

GENJI: well survive without them

WINSTON: What did you even do that damaged them so much?

GENJI: a magician never reveals his secrets

REYES: Oh, Angela actually did blame Liao for the flooding?

MCCREE: well we all blamed him so

LACROIX: Why do you ask?

REYES: I'm the one that did it.

MORRISON: What?

ANA: Lmao

MCCREE: why?

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

LIAO: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

GENJI: oh hey hes alive

REYES: I was hoping that Angela would automatically assume that he did it.

LIAO: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

REYES: _This is what you get for spoiling the end of Lost._

LIAO: YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU ALREADY SAW IT

REYES: _I lied._

KIMIKO: Gabe watches Lost?

ANA: That shows like 50 years old  
ANA: If u havent seen it yet i think u deserve to have it spoiled for u

REYES: I didn't have time to start watching it until recently.

REINHARDT: That's still your fault.

LACROIX: Is this really how you all solve problems?

MORRISON: Pretty much.

LIAO: SO YOU JUST LET ANGELA COME AFTER ME LIKE THAT BECAUSE OF A STUPID FUCKING SHOW?

REYES: Yes.

LIAO: IM GONNA TELL HER

REYES: Go ahead.  
REYES: She won't believe you anyway.

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

MERCY: What's going on here?

MORRISON: Jesse, Reinhardt, and I are currently in the process of draining all the water out of the Medical Wing.

MERCY: Well, thank you for that.

MCCREE: im doing this against my will btw

MERCY: I appreciate the sentiment all the same.

REINHARDT: For you, Dr. Ziegler, I will double my efforts.

MERCY: I'm very grateful, Reinhardt.

MCCREE: okay seriously  
MCCREE: im older than angela by like three months  
MCCREE: why does she get treated like an adult and i dont?

GENJI: is that a serious question?

REYES: I saw you cry at the end of Marley and Me.

MCCREE: well who hasnt fucking cried at that movie?

WINSTON: We're getting off topic.  
WINSTON: @TRACER  
WINSTON: You're not off the hook yet.

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

TRACER: winston genji made me do it!

WINSTON: That doesn't make it okay.  
WINSTON: You have a brain of your own, do you not?

KIMIKO: It's hard to tell with them.  
KIMIKO: I think they're just one hive mind.

REYES: That would explain a lot actually.

MCCREE: hey i didnt do anything wrong

LACROIX: This time.

MCCREE: harsh

GENJI: okay honestly tho  
GENJI: who here _hasnt_ done something wrong at this point?

WINSTON: Gerard.  
WINSTON: Angela.  
WINSTON: Mirembe.

LIAO: thats not fair  
LIAO: mirembe doesnt even join the chat half the time

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER]**

MIREMBE: Someone called?

LIAO: not really  
LIAO: we just mentioned your name in a sentence

MIREMBE: I hope this sentence wasn't negative.

GENJI: yeah mirembe weve been talking mad shit about u all day

MIREMBE: ...That's it?  
MIREMBE: If you think that's bad, you should spend time with Gerard and I on our coffee breaks.  
MIREMBE: We'd destroy your self-esteem.

MCCREE: what?

LACROIX: Trust me, it's better you don't hear what goes on there.

LIAO: mirembe you dont think jesse and i are childish do you?

MIREMBE: ...  
MIREMBE: I sincerely hope that question wasn't serious.

GENJI: rekted

MIREMBE: The only positive thing I can say about Jesse is that he actually gives me a hand when I ask for it.

MCCREE: i guess somethings better than nothing

MIREMBE: It's more than I can say for Liao.

LIAO: god fucking dammit

MORRISON: Well, I guess that settles that.

MIREMBE: It worries me that you actually needed confirmation from me.  
MIREMBE: It should be obvious.

LIAO: angela beat me with her staff sorry if i dont exactly understand everything thats happening right now

GENJI: u get beaten up too much

LIAO: its because all my friends are assholes

REYES: I'm not your friend.

MCCREE: yeah wait a minute who here is liaos friend?

TRACER: not me!

LIAO: my point exactly

REINHARDT: We do this because we care.

LIAO: couldve fooled me

LACROIX: Oftentimes, you bring these things upon yourself.

LIAO: i know

MORRISON: Angela, the Medical Wing is clear.

MERCY: That was fast.

MCCREE: thank reinhardt

REINHARDT: I broke a hole in the wall and all the water drained out.

WINSTON: _That's counter-productive..._

REINHARDT: It's an easy fix.

LIAO: i dont think youve ever fixed anything in your life

REINHARDT: If you keep this up, I'll fix you.  
REINHARDT: I don't call you my bitch for nothing.

KIMIKO: IM FUCKING DEAD

GENJI: I LOVE THIS TEAM

MIREMBE: This organization is so hopeless.

LACROIX: Understatement of the Century.

TRACER: hey luvs just remember  
TRACER: when it doubt blame liao

LIAO: wait a second

ANA: I like that idea  
ANA: This organization is hopeless because of liao

MORRISON: The Omnic Crisis started because of Liao.

GENJI: the cameras on base dont work anymore because of liao

MCCREE: i was orphaned at birth because of liao

LIAO: how the fuck is that my fault?

MCCREE: when in doubt blame liao

LIAO: i dont wanna work here anymore

KIMIKO: I love how everything else is fine for him.  
KIMIKO: The only thing that bothered him was being blamed for Jesse being an unwanted child.

LIAO: angela if i keep destroying the med wing will you kill me?

MERCY: Just because it bothers you so much, I'll just beat you up and let you survive.

LIAO: fucking dammit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, we all know someone like Liao.


	33. story time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take it. Take this disaster.

LUCIO: i cant feel my legs

MCCREE: wimp

GENJI: join the club

76: What the genuine fuck is wrong with you?

MCCREE: yeah that wasnt my best moment

D.VA: i thought it went well

REINHARDT: You clearly didn't see what the rest of us saw.

D.VA: i saw a colorful explosion with great fire and destruction

ANA: Yeah that pretty much sums it up

PHARAH: What were you thinking, Jesse?

MCCREE: i was _thinking_ that if i blew up the shipment the mission would be a success  
MCCREE: no one told me it was packed with explosives

WINSTON: That was the first I mentioned in the mission briefing...

MCCREE: yeah im in the wrong here

MERCY: Clearly.

GENJI: here ill fix this

**User [GENJI SHIMADA] changed chatroom name to [JESSE MCCREE: FUCKUP EXTRAORDINARE]**

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: i feel personally attacked

GENJI: that was the point

MCCREE: i thought we were friends

GENJI: u thought wrong

MCCREE: alright well i guess ill just go off myself

ANA: Send pics

TRACER: its not all bad!  
TRACER: im pretty sure moira got hurt pretty badly!

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: On second thought.  
MERCY: Jesse, you executed the mission perfect.

76: No he didn't.

LUCIO: i still cant feel my legs

MERCY: Any mission where Moira gets hurt is a success in my book.

WINSTON: We're not supposed to get people hurt.  
WINSTON: Angela, that was _your_ policy!

MERCY: Things change as time goes on.

SYMMETRA: You were telling me just last week how much you despised violence.

MERCY: I don't expect any of you to understand.  
MERCY: But I'm standing firm on this topic.

MCCREE: so did i do good?

MERCY: Yes.

76: No.

WINSTON: Not really, no.

GENJI: u did fine

MCCREE: we appear to be split evenly  
MCCREE: reinhardt youre the tie breaker

REINHARDT: I think everything went according to plan.

76: No it didn't.

MCCREE: too late  
MCCREE: majority rules

**[DOOMFIST] entered chatroom [JESSE MCCREE: FUCKUP EXTRAORDINARE]**

**[MOIRA O'DEORAIN] entered chatroom [JESSE MCCREE: FUCKUP EXTRAORDINARE]**

DOOMFIST: I can't say I remember Overwatch performing so recklessly.

ORISA: I can't say I remember ever giving a douchecanoe like you permission to join this chat.

DOOMFIST: It's been over a week since I've been forced in here.  
DOOMFIST: Are we really going to continue with this?

ORISA: Judging by the damage you did to my home, I think that I'm taking it easy on you.

DOOMFIST: And I hate that I need to correct you again.  
DOOMFIST: But Douche Canoe is two words.

ORISA: I'm well aware.  
ORISA: But making it one word upsets you.  
ORISA: Which is why I will continue to spell it out as such.

DOOMFIST: ...  
DOOMFIST: @SOMBRA  
DOOMFIST: Why have you done this to me?

SOMBRA: it seemed like a good idea at first  
SOMBRA: but now its just making everything hostile and awkward

LUCIO: whos being hostile?

DOOMFIST: So why won't you let me leave?

SOMBRA: because im not that nice of a person

GENJI: i literally just saw u spent an hour helping a group of kids find their mothers at the mall

SOMBRA: hana asked me to

D.VA: and im glad you did

SOMBRA: <3

D.VA: <3

MCCREE: get a room

SOMBRA: eat me

MCCREE: ill pass

D.VA: youd better  
D.VA: thats my job

76: Enough.

LUCIO: lol

MOIRA: Is this really the extent of the conversations you all have in here?

MERCY: Fuck, she's not dead yet.  
MERCY: I was counting on you, Jesse.

MCCREE: sorry angela  
MCCREE: ill try harder next time

WINSTON: Please don't.

MOIRA: Angela, I have a few injuries.  
MOIRA: Could you make the pain go away?  
MOIRA: *Wink Wink*

PHARAH: I really don't want to have to hurt you.

MOIRA: Do you really think you could?

PHARAH: Very much so, yes.

MOIRA: I'll bet that's why Angela likes you so much.  
MOIRA: She was always one to enjoy it rough.

PHARAH: ...

REINHARDT: She does.  
REINHARDT: And if you're wondering how I know this.  
REINHARDT: My request to change rooms hasn't been accepted yet.

GENJI: NO PLS STOP

TRACER: I DONT WANNA HEAR THIS

LUCIO: I CANT FUCKING STOP LAUGHING

SYMMETRA: Can we ever have a normal conversation here?

MCCREE: honestly this is pretty normal for us now  
MCCREE: you think this is bad you should see the old chat

REAPER: **We're not talking about this right now.**

76: I agree with Gabe.  
76: Let's avoid switching the topic.

DOOMFIST: Gabe?

REAPER: **Fuck.**  
REAPER: **I forgot you were in here.**

DOOMFIST: Is this the boyfriend Sombra's mentioned multiple times?

REAPER: **...**

SOMBRA: yes

REAPER: **Wait, you knew?**

DOOMFIST: How could I not?  
DOOMFIST: There's no secrets in Talon.

LUCIO: sounds boring

DOOMFIST: When you're attempting to conquer the world, secrets are nothing but a detriment to your cause.

LUCIO: that actually makes a surprising amount of sense

DOOMFIST: Talon isn't full of idiots, you know.  
DOOMFIST: Most of us are very well educated.

76: So, with all that education, you decided to resort to breaking things and killing people.

MOIRA: Well, when you put it like that, it just sounds basic.

DOOMFIST: We do far more than just cause destruction.

76: Could've fooled me.

DOOMFIST: You spend so much time focusing on the bad, I'll bet you never even knew about all the good we've done.

76: You sent Widowmaker to kill Mondatta.

WIDOWMAKER: I'm not a part of this anymore.  
WIDOWMAKER: I left Talon for a reason.

REAPER: **When the fuck did you leave Talon?**

WIDOWMAKER: Six months ago.  
WIDOWMAKER: Or very close.

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **So why have you still been coming to all the meetings?**

WIDOWMAKER: There's free coffee and donuts.  
WIDOWMAKER: It's hard to turn that down.

LUCIO: wait how come they get free food?

D.VA: yeah we have to pay for our own

DOOMFIST: Come to the Dark Side.  
DOOMFIST: We have free food.

LUCIO: tempting

WINSTON: _Lucio..._

LUCIO: im kidding chill

WIDOWMAKER: Going back to Gabe's question.

REAPER: **STOP CALLING ME THAT!**

WIDOWMAKER: Is that not your name?

REAPER: **Gabriel Reyes died a long time ago.**

WIDOWMAKER: I'm sure.  
WIDOWMAKER: I've also been coming to the meetings just so I can tell Overwatch about your next move.

REAPER: **WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?**

WIDOWMAKER: I don't understand the question.

REAPER: **YOU'RE A PART OF TALON, YET YOU'RE TELLING OVERWATCH ABOUT OUR PLANS?**

WIDOWMAKER: I'm only out for myself, Edgelord.  
WIDOWMAKER: I apologize if you don't understand that.

REAPER: **STOP. CALLING. ME. THAT.**

WIDOWMAKER: _Non._

DOOMFIST: On second thought...  
DOOMFIST: Perhaps we're just as hopeless as Overwatch.

TRACER: hey were not hopeless!

D.VA: yeah were the ones that keep winning

DOOMFIST: Harsh.

GENJI: i bet u havent done stupider things than we have

DOOMFIST: You would most likely win that bet.

LUCIO: what dumb things have talon agents done?

MOIRA: Besides be a part of your chatroom?

GENJI: hey our chatrooms fun

DOOMFIST: Debatable.

REINHARDT: We have stories for days.  
REINHARDT: Some of which are very bad.

ANA: Remember what happened when we tried camping?

HANZO: Please stop.

TRACER: im still mad at you hanzo!

HANZO: I panicked.

MCCREE: we literally told you that it was harmless

HANZO: I still didn't fully trust all of you at that point.

76: Well, you didn't have to do that.

HANZO: I had never seen a Lynx before.  
HANZO: I thought it was going to attack us.

TRACER: WELL IT WASNT!

SYMMETRA: I'm pretty sure Iberian Lynx are endangered.  
SYMMETRA: We could have received a very hefty punishment if anyone had found out.

HANZO: I said I was sorry.

D.VA: can we stop talking about this it makes me sad

GENJI: remember when jesse attacked everyone with flower seeds?

MCCREE: that was a long time ago

REAPER: **You're an idiot.**

MCCREE: i was very drunk

REINHARDT: That's not an excuse.

D.VA: wait what happened?

LUCIO: yeah i dont know this story

MCCREE: its not important

GENJI: lena u wanna tell it?

TRACER: yes!  
TRACER: okay so a few years ago liao jesse genji and i were playing cards  
TRACER: and everytime jesse won we made him drink

MCCREE: lena please no

LUCIO: doesnt he win all the time?

GENJI: exactly  
GENJI: that was the only way we were going to get him drunk

TRACER: so this was going on for like two hours and eventually every was hammered  
TRACER: especially jesse  
TRACER: and we all went back to our rooms to sleep it off  
TRACER: but like ten minutes later the fire alarm goes off and everyone meets outside the watchpoint  
TRACER: and while were all asking what was going jesse appears on the roof and just yells "its high bloom" and then starts shooting us with flower seeds

MCCREE: please

LUCIO: _its high bloom_

REINHARDT: Okay, I remember this now.

D.VA: LMAO

ANA: Yeah  
ANA: But dont forget to mention what happened next

TRACER: i was getting to that

MCCREE: lena im begging you

TRACER: so after pelting everyone with like forty thousand seeds jesse turns to walk away  
TRACER: and then falls off the roof

LUCIO: OMG NO HE DIDNT

ANA: He did  
ANA: Hes lucky reinhardt caught him

REINHARDT: I didn't catch him.  
REINHARDT: He fell on me.

MERCY: And then he spent two days in the Medical Wing with a concussion.

MCCREE: ive been trying to forget this ever happened

GENJI: ur welcome

DOOMFIST: Although that is actually very funny.  
DOOMFIST: How do you manage to accomplish anything with the way you all act?

WINSTON: I ask myself that question every day.

D.VA: we dont really know either  
D.VA: somehow it just works

SYMMETRA: I wouldn't say that it works.  
SYMMETRA: We just get very lucky.

76: We're not lucky anymore.  
76: We're just surrounded by idiots.

LUCIO: you love us

76: Don't hold your breath.

TRACER: we do mess up from time to time!

HANZO: Which is just another way of saying that you mess up all the time.

GENJI: untrue

MEI: Very true.

LUCIO: where have you been?

MEI: Working on something.

D.VA: working on zarya?

MEI: ...No.

GENJI: yes

ZARYA: Don't make me hurt you.

GENJI: u cant hurt me im made of metal

ZARYA: Want to bet?

MCCREE: genji i think youd lose that bet

GENJI: prob  
GENJI: zarya could def snap me like a toothpick

ZARYA: Very easily.

D.VA: at least mercy would be there to fix you up

MERCY: I'm extremely tired of fixing you all up.  
MERCY: It's become almost a daily occurance.

MOIRA: You can fix me up anytime, sweet lips.

PHARAH: I'm going to choke you.

MOIRA: Mmm, yes Daddy.

LUCIO: I JUST FUCKING SPIT MY SODA ALL OVER MY PHONE SCREEN

D.VA: BRB IM CRYING

GENJI: LMAO FUCKING YES

DOOMFIST: Moira, why are you like this?

MOIRA: I've always been like this.  
MOIRA: I just know to act professional during Talon Meetings.

MEI: This chat is out of control.

76: This chat has been out of control.

DOOMFIST: Is everyone just extremely childish in here?

MCCREE: more or less

DOOMFIST: Sombra, please let me leave.

SOMBRA: come on akande  
SOMBRA: this chats really fun

DOOMFIST: You and I have very different definitions of fun.

SOMBRA: youll warm up to them

DOOMFIST: I doubt that.

LUCIO: give us a chance

DOOMFIST: I guess I have no choice.

MCCREE: trust me itll be fun  
MCCREE: especially when we get front row seats to fareeha killing moira

MOIRA: Jokes on you.  
MOIRA: Death is my kink.

GENJI: then boy do i have a story for u

DOOMFIST: Please refrain from killing anyone.  
DOOMFIST: Because if you go after Moira, that means I'm contractually obligated to get involved and I really don't want to get involved.

D.VA: see youre already getting it

DOOMFIST: I spent several years in a Maximum Security Prison.  
DOOMFIST: And yet, something as simple as a chatroom will probably lead to my insanity.

76: Join the club.

LUCIO: if you think this is bad wait until the memes start getting sent

DOOMFIST: @SOMBRA  
DOOMFIST: Please.

SOMBRA: nope

MOIRA: Look at it this way, Akande.  
MOIRA: Now you can help put me and Angela together.

PHARAH: Okay, first of all, She's my girlfriend.  
PHARHA: Second of all, I'll end you.

MOIRA: Her being in a relationship doesn't worry me.  
MOIRA: Just because there's a goalie doesn't mean you can't score.

LUCIO: lmao

PHARAH: I played goalie for nine years of my childhood.  
PHARAH: I was only scored on once.

ANA: I can vouch for that

MOIRA: Prepare to make it twice.

PHARAH: You will not.

MOIRA: Look, I don't have to take her from you.  
MOIRA: Polygamy is becoming a big thing nowadays.

MCCREE: where the fuck did this conversation go?

REINHARDT: It seems like a pretty normal topic change when you think about everything we've seen in this chat.

HANZO: Nothing about this chat is normal.

PHARAH: Read my lips.  
PHARAH: No.

MOIRA: You know, there's other things I can do to your lips besides read them.

MERCY: Can we stop this?

MOIRA: No.

DOOMFIST: @WINSTON  
DOOMFIST: Would you mind sticking me back in prison?

WINSTON: Only if you agree to share your cell with me.

REAPER: **No way, I already called dibs.**

LUCIO: welcome to the family doomfist  
LUCIO: youre one of us now

DOOMFIST: I want a divorce.

LUCIO: youll have to take that up with my lawyer  
LUCIO: @BASTION

BASTION: >:(

LUCIO: oh tough luck man  
LUCIO: thats a no

DOOMFIST: ...  
DOOMFIST: This doesn't seem entirely fair.

76: You don't even know the half of it.

GENJI: i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship

MOIRA: If I play my cards right, I think it'll be more than just friends.  
MOIRA: @ANGELA  
MOIRA: ;-)

PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: Is this actually happening?

MERCY: Unfortunately.

LUCIO: lol i cant wait for this shit

MCCREE: genji popcorn

GENJI: dont fuck each other up until the popcorn is ready

PHARAH: No promises.

MOIRA: I can promise one thing.  
MOIRA: There will definitely be fucking involved.

D.VA: this is going to be so fucking good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, did you miss me? Well, I just recently started working full time (Ugh), which means that I haven't had any time to write over the last few weeks. Don't worry, I'm not abandoning this, I just can't guarantee that the chapters are going to be released consistently. I'll try, of course, but I can't promise anything.
> 
> Quickly addressing a question I was asked, there is real no direction that this story is meant to take. I'm really just writing it for the sake of writing it. There's a lot of very serious stories on this site written much better than mine, so I wanted to add something humorous for everyone to enjoy. As for the ending, at this moment, I have no plans to finish this story. I want to keep adding chapter after chapter whenever I get an idea on what to put in. I don't have any idea for a final chapter, nor do I expect to end this story any time soon. Maybe somewhere down the line I'll have a good enough note to end it all on, but for the meantime, this story will continue with no end in sight, just for all of you wonderful people who are still reading this mess. And I want to thank you all so much for continuing to stick with this. Even though I suck at responding to your comments, I just want you to know that I've read all of them and appreciate all of the great feedback you've all been leaving me. It really means a lot that so many of you are enjoying this story, and I hope you keep sticking around, because there's still a lot more on the way.


	34. a trip for the ages

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [OI M8S TRACER IS DRUNK AS FUCK]**

**User [SYMMETRA] renamed chatroom [I WILL FIND YOU GENJI]**

GENJI: SATYA IM SO SORRY

SYMMETRA: You are forgiven.  
SYMMETRA: But that does not mean you will not face the consequences.

MCCREE: you better run  
MCCREE: far away

GENJI: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

LUCIO: wait what happened?

D.VA: obviously something really bad

REINHARDT: It's always something bad.

ANA: Especially when genji or jesse are involved

MCCREE: hey im an innocent victim here

REAPER: **For once.**

MCCREE: shut up  
MCCREE: at least i didnt flood the med wing

REAPER: **That was well over five years ago.**

MERCY: That was still highly unnecessary.

REAPER: **It's in the past.**

LUCIO: both of you quiet  
LUCIO: what happened satya?

SYMMETRA: Genji destroyed both my Photon Projector and my teleporter with his Dragonblade.

HANZO: He does that far too much.  
HANZO: I'm on my fourth bow.

GENJI: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

REINHARDT: There is no way you accidentally pulled out your blade and destroyed two vital pieces of equipment.

SYMMETRA: I was with him.  
SYMMETRA: It was most certainly not an accident.

SOMBRA: i saw through the cameras  
SOMBRA: it wasnt an accident

GENJI: OMG

LUCIO: do you have a death wish bro?

ANA: Yeah remember when jack spilled coffee on satyas research?

76: It took four days for the burning sensation to stop.

SYMMETRA: I was incredibly close to a scientific breakthrough.  
SYMMETRA: I'm sure you would have reacted the same way.

76: I wouldn't have.

SYMMETRA: Well, of course you wouldn't.  
SYMMETRA: I highly doubt your intelligence is high enough to even comprehend what I research.

LUCIO: burn

ANA: Eat it jack

76: For fuck's sake.

TRACER: yeah luvs i think genji is gonna die!

LUCIO: rip genji

MCCREE: fuck you

GENJI: hold on a second

SYMMETRA: I _will_ find you.  
SYMMETRA: And I _will_ make you pay for what you've done.

GENJI: pls no

WINSTON: What is going on here?

D.VA: team bonding

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Wonderful.  
WINSTON: Keep up the good work.

GENJI: WAIT SATYAS GONNA KILL ME

WINSTON: Sounds like a healthy bonding experience to me.

MCCREE: was that sarcasm?

LUCIO: damn we even corrupted winston

D.VA: no one is safe anymore

WINSTON: Satya, I just request that you keep the physical damage to a minimum.

SYMMETRA: Of course.

WINSTON: Anyway, I have some news.

GENJI: WTF R U REALLY NOT GONNA HELP ME?

REINHARDT: What's the news?

ANA: Are u finally firing jesse?

MCCREE: why are you like this?

WINSTON: No...

ANA: damn

GENJI: AND NOW UR IGNORING ME?

WINSTON: How does everyone feel about a vacation?

76: Did you forget the last time we went on vacation?

MERCY: Jesse and Liao still can't set foot in Denmark.

MCCREE: that wasnt my fault

ANA: Yes the fuck it was

LUCIO: i like vacations

TRACER: me too!

D.VA: can my girlfriend come?

WINSTON: I imagine you're going to bring her regardless of my answer?

D.VA: yup

WINSTON: Then go ahead.

SOMBRA: yay thanks winston

WINSTON: Don't mention it.  
WINSTON: Seriously.

LUCIO: where are we going?

WINSTON: Blizzard World.

76: God dammit.

ANA: Pls dont do this to us

REINHARDT: What?  
REINHARDT: You don't like Blizzard World?

ANA: Did u forget the last time we went?

REINHARDT: ...Yes, actually.

76: Well, where do I start?

D.VA: from the beginning preferably

76: Sarcasm is not appreciated.

D.VA: deal with it

76: There was Jesse and Liao getting stuck together.

MCCREE: that was a dare

LUCIO: ...stuck together?

D.VA: how?

ANA: U dont wanna know

LUCIO: I kinda do actually

D.VA: why are mccree and this liao guy always the instigators?

REINHARDT: Liao was about twenty times worse than Jesse could ever be.

MCCREE: i learned from the best

MERCY: Amazingly, he still was more respected than Jesse was.

WINSTON: Speak for yourself.

76: And do you all remember Kimiko and Lena on the bumper cars?

GENJI: that was actually really funny

TRACER: i didnt know they could come off the track!

WINSTON: It took me eight months to finish paying off that man's hospital bill.

TRACER: no regerts!

76: And how could we forget Genji pushing Gerard into the water?

GENJI: he made fun of my shoes

MCCREE: WHO THE FUCK WEARS SOCKS WITH SANDALS?  
MCCREE: WHY WERE YOU WEARING SANDALS IN THE FIRST PLACE YOURE A FUCKING ROBOT?

GENJI: cyborg  
GENJI: and fuck u

LUCIO: i wish i was part of the team back then

REAPER: **No you don't.**

WINSTON: Come on, Jack.  
WINSTON: A weekend at an amusement park can't be that bad.

76: Your optimism frightens me.

ANA: Yeah really what have u done with winston?

REINHARDT: Hopefully Gabe can enjoy it this time.

LUCIO: why didnt he enjoy it last time?

REAPER: **I got food poisoning.**

D.VA: lmao

REAPER: **I try to forget the experience.**

MOIRA: Can Akande and I come?

MERCY: Fuck no.

MOIRA: :-(

DOOMFIST: I never said I wanted to come along.

MOIRA: If I go, you're coming with me.

DOOMFIST: That's not part of my contract.

MOIRA: You're coming.

MCCREE: nobody invited you

DOOMFIST: I didn't expect anyone to.  
DOOMFIST: We're supposed to be enemies, after all.

SOMBRA: i think were long past that

WINSTON: Well then, I guess it's settled.

76: It really isn't.

WINSTON: We're going, Jack.  
WINSTON: I already booked it.

76: Fuck.

ANA: Guess its time for me to go kill myself

MEI: I apologize, Winston.  
MEI: But Zarya and I are going to have to take a rain check on this.

WINSTON: I understand.  
WINSTON: Take care of the Watchpoint while we're gone.

MEI: Will do.

ZARYA: I will destroy Genji's room.

GENJI: jokes on u  
GENJI: my rooms already destroyed

JUNKRAT: YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT MATE

GENJI: i didnt say i was angry about it  
GENJI: the couch in the common room is more comfortable anyway

WINSTON: That was a brand new bed.

GENJI: that didnt stop it from cracking under the weight of my metal girth

ANA: Pls dont ever use the word girth like that again

**User [GENJI SHIMADA] changed chatroom name to [GIRTH]**

ANA: ...  
ANA: I shouldve kept my mouth shut

WINSTON: Yes, you should have.  
WINSTON: We'll be leaving in two hours.  
WINSTON: Everyone get ready.

76: I suppose there's no real way I can get out of this?

WINSTON: That's correct.

76: Damn it.

_______________________________________

SYMMETRA: _There you are!_

GENJI: NO WAIT PLS

SYMMETRA: _You were not meant for greatness._

GENJI: FUCK

_______________________________________

76: IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY FOR THIS BULLSHIT!

ANA: We literally just got here

MCCREE: you were warned

REINHARDT: Jesse, for once, can you _not_ be yourself?

MCCREE: thats a mighty large request

TRACER: come on it wasnt that bad!

WINSTON: I watched him steal that man's wallet.

MCCREE: hey  
MCCREE: he kept trying to push his way past angela  
MCCREE: i couldnt let that happen  
MCCREE: and besides what i did is pretty tame compared to what fareeha wouldve done

PHARAH: He's not wrong.  
PHARAH: I probably would have maimed that fucker.

ANA: Language

PHARAH: Mom, I'm 32.

ANA: Ur still my baby

D.VA: cute

WINSTON: Can we just please try to behave ourselves from this point on?  
WINSTON: I'm trying to do something nice for all of you.

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: ill make an attempt

WINSTON: I guess that's the best I'm going to get.

SYMMETRA: Jesse and Hana are the only two you really need to worry about.  
SYMMETRA: I doubt Genji will be stepping out of line this time around.

GENJI: satyas a bully

SYMMETRA: I gave you a fair warning.  
SYMMETRA: I can't be held responsible for your idiocy.

GENJI: i can barely feel my fingers

D.VA: i thought they werent real

GENJI: that doesnt mean i cant feel them

HANZO: I still don't understand why I had to be dragged along.

MCCREE: i literally saw you challenging kids to a shootout at the arcade

HANZO: That doesn't me I want to be here.

WIDOWMAKER: I'm on the same boat.

LUCIO: how did you get here?

WIDOWMAKER: I didn't want to be.  
WIDOWMAKER: Lena is very...  
WIDOWMAKER: Persuasive.

D.VA: did you just call her lena?

LUCIO: are we on a first name basis with lena now?

WIDOWMAKER: I don't need to explain myself to you.

TRACER: widow and i are friends now!

WIDOWMAKER: Stop.

GENJI: friends?  
GENJI: or more than friends?  
GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

WIDOWMAKER: I thought you couldn't feel your fingers.

GENJI: i never miss an opportunity to give all of u a hard time

WIDOWMAKER: Go do something else.

GENJI: no

76: Stop acting like children.

LUCIO: go fuck yourself

76: I will destroy everything you hold near and dear.

D.VA: do it you wont

MERCY: I won't be helping any of you.

LUCIO: you dont help us anyway

WINSTON: Please...  
WINSTON: Just act somewhat civilized.

MCCREE: like i said  
MCCREE: ill consider it

__________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

REAPER: **You're not eating your dinner.**  
REAPER: **What's wrong?**

76: It's nothing.

REAPER: **Don't lie to me.**  
REAPER: **I'm on your side here.**

76: It's just...  
76: I wish they would stop acting like such fucking children.  
76: There's no reason they need to keep pulling shit like this.

REAPER: **Liao's corrupted Jesse and Genji.**  
REAPER: **There was zero chance they were going to grow out of that.**

76: They don't even surprise me anymore.  
76: Lucio and Hana are still young so I understand it from them.  
76: But almost the entire base acts immature.  
76: It's just driving me crazy that there's no maturity or professionalism in this organization.

REAPER: **Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot we can do about it at this point.**  
REAPER: **The important thing is being able to handle it.**

76: Sometimes I wish we didn't come back.  
76: Life was a lot simpler before all of this happened.

REAPER: **We can't go back now.**  
REAPER: **We're stuck with it.**  
REAPER: **I guess the only thing you can really do here is just stay optimistic and hope the rest of them will grow out of it.**

76: I know that I'm really bad with this.  
76: But I never got the chance to say.  
76: I'm glad that you're back with me.

REAPER: **Better hope that Sombra doesn't find that.**

76: She won't.  
76: My communicator is too old for her tastes.

REAPER: **I'm glad you're back, too.**

76: Think I can stop by your room after dinner?

REAPER: **Are you finally acting romantic for once?**

76: Don't fucking ruin it.

REAPER: **I won't push it.**  
REAPER: **Come on down.**

76: I'll see you there.

REAPER: **Now eat your food.**

76: These tacos are the worst things I've ever tasted.

REAPER: **They build character.**

76: Shut up.

REAPER: **Never.**

_______________________________

LUCIO: uh  
LUCIO: we have a problem

WINSTON: Please no.

MCCREE: first of all  
MCCREE: this was hanas fault

D.VA: no it wasnt

WINSTON: What happened?

TRACER: we kinda  
TRACER: lost bastion

WINSTON: ...What?

ANA: How the fuck did u lose an 8 foot tall omnic?

76: The five of you were in charge of watching him!

GENJI: it was junkrats fault

JUNKRAT: NO IT WASNT  
JUNKRAT: I WAS ONLY THERE FOR TWO MINUTES MATE!

TRACER: We got a little sidetracked!

WINSTON: All of you got sidetracked at once?

MCCREE: genji and i were in the arcade the entire time

TRACER: i was at the petting zoo!

LUCIO: hana was the last one who saw him

D.VA: !!!  
D.VA: I LEFT HIM WITH ROADHOG!

ROADHOG: no you didnt

D.VA: YES I DID

ROADHOG: dont make me the bad guy because you were too busy sucking your girlfriends teeth out to pay attention

LUCIO: gay

PHARAH: Hana...  
PHARAH: Seriously?

D.VA: fuck you you were doing the same exact thing

MERCY: Not exactly.

SOMBRA: im not complaining

76: What is wrong with all of you?

MCCREE: multiple things

REINHARDT: Okay, that all should take a backseat.  
REINHARDT: Because we're now missing an omnic.  
REINHARDT: With the curiosity of a toddler and the weapons capable of sinking a continent.

LUCIO: thats bad right?

ANA: Only a little bit

WINSTON: We need to find Bastion.

GENJI: but jesse and i were next in line on the roller coaster

WINSTON: It doesn't matter.

76: Our priority right now is that Omnic.

MERCY: Why can't we ever have a normal visit anywhere?

76: Because none of you listen.

JUNKRAT: NOT TRUE

ROADHOG: true

JUNKRAT: ...FINE

D.VA: alright losers  
D.VA: operation find bastion is a go

REAPER: **There's no possible way this can go wrong.**

_______________________________

HANZO: He's not in the arcade.  
HANZO: Although Jesse and my brother are.

WINSTON: _You're supposed to be searching._

MCCREE: we are

GENJI: yeah were searching for the kid who took my silly string

76: Please focus.

MCCREE: did jack just say please?

GENJI: fuck now we have to help

76: Thank you.

LUCIO: who are you and what have you done with jack?

76: I locked him in a room with five loud toddlers.

D.VA: love the sarcasm

76: Thanks.

REINHARDT: Okay.  
REINHARDT: But where's Bastion?

ROADHOG: hes not at the roller coaster

JUNKRAT: OR NEAR THE TEA CUPS

TRACER: hes not in the bathrooms!

GENJI: well obviously  
GENJI: omnics dont use the bathroom

TRACER: cant hurt to look!

ANA: Hes not at the food court  
ANA: Which is where ive been eating at for the last twenty minutes

PHARAH: Mom, really?

ANA: Hey im hungry  
ANA: Why do i need to stop because hanas irresponsible?

D.VA: this is in no way shape or form my fault

MCCREE: it is your fault and your fault only

D.VA: fuck you

GENJI: @BASTION  
GENJI: WHERE THE FUCK R U?

ZENYATTA: I don't think that's going to work, Genji.  
ZENYATTA: Bastion turned his notifications off.  
ZENYATTA: He won't see this.

REAPER: **Why does everything have to be so complicated?**

LUCIO: okay im sorry  
LUCIO: who the fuck invited you again?

REAPER: **I did.**  
REAPER: **Unless you want to take it up with my guns.**

LUCIO: ill shut up now

REAPER: **See to it.**

DOOMFIST: You all concern me.

GENJI: hey were just looking for our friend

DOOMFIST: How did you lose him in the first place?

MCCREE: blame hana

D.VA: IT WASNT MY FAULT

76: You started making out with your girlfriend when you were supposed to be watching him!

D.VA: are you just going to pretend that you and reaper werent doing the same thing last night?

76: We weren't supposed to be watching Bastion when we did!

D.VA: i gave him to roadhog for a reason

ROADHOG: once again  
ROADHOG: you never once came up to me and asked me to watch him  
ROADHOG: i was too busy watching the dead weight anyway

JUNKRAT: HEY WAIT A MINUTE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

ROADHOG: possibly

JUNKRAT: COME ON MATE I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG

ROADHOG: thats because ive been watching you

MERCY: He's not back at the hotel.

MOIRA: Wait, was I seriously not invited along on this trip?

WINSTON: No.

MOIRA: Why?

DOOMFIST: Because no one likes you.

MOIRA: But I'm fun to be around.

REAPER: **No you're not.**

SOMBRA: youre like the exact opposite of fun

DOOMFIST: I've met trees with more personality than you.

MOIRA: :-(  
MOIRA: But why are you all out?  
MOIRA: Overwatch is illegal, isn't it?

WINSTON: We just need to be careful and not draw attention to ourselves.

DOOMFIST: So, basically do everything you're not capable of doing?

76: More or less.

MOIRA: This is why Talon's better.

MERCY: It's really not.  
MERCY: Any organization that hires you is clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel.

LUCIO: burn

REINHARDT: Can we save the bullying until after we find Bastion?

LUCIO: were doing our best here

76: Keep looking.

ANA: Its kind of an easy find  
ANA: Just wait until u hear screaming and gunfire and thats probably where hes going to be

WINSTON: The last thing I need is a catastrophic incident at a Theme Park.

TRACER: yeah we all remember what genji and jesse did at Six Flags!

MCCREE: listen

GENJI: those frat boy assholes had it coming

REINHARDT: Less talking, more searching.

GENJI: what the fuck do u think im doing?

REINHARDT: Texting instead of searching.

MCCREE: you would be correct

_____________________________

SYMMETRA: I found him.

TRACER: yay!

LUCIO: where was he?

SYMMETRA: The most obvious place.  
SYMMETRA: The missing children kiosk.

76: Seriously?  
76: Not a single one of us thought to look there first?

MCCREE: hey the silly string took priority

D.VA: he didnt shoot anyone did he?

SYMMETRA: Of course not.  
SYMMETRA: When I showed up, he was playing a board game with some of the other children.  
SYMMETRA: He jumped up and hugged me when he saw I was there.

D.VA: bastion is too pure for this world

MCCREE: @BASTION  
MCCREE: you okay partner?

BASTION: (•‿•)

GENJI: thats good

REINHARDT: I guess we're one big happy family again.

WINSTON: Can we please keep an eye on Bastion this time?

D.VA: im sorry

ROADHOG: you should be

D.VA: fuck you im trying to be the bigger person here

LUCIO: thats not easy to do when youre the shortest one here

D.VA: that doesnt mean i cant fuck you up

WINSTON: _Enough._  
WINSTON: I'd rather not have any more problems.  
WINSTON: Please just behave yourselves for the rest of the weekend.

MCCREE: no promises

REINHARDT: We're going to need a vacation from _this_ vacation.

76: We're all just going to need therapy.

REAPER: **What?**  
REAPER: **Do you the rest of you not go to therapy yet?**

MERCY: Every day, we inch closer and closer to the need.

MOIRA: I'll show you some therapeutic exercises, Angela.

MERCY: I am not in the mood for your shit right now.

MOIRA: That's okay.  
MOIRA: I can wait forever for you ;-)

PHARAH: Can we stop this?

MOIRA: No.

LUCIO: k im gonna go have fun  
LUCIO: dont wait up for me

76: We won't.

JUNKRAT: WAIT I WANNA COME

ROADHOG: no

JUNKRAT: PLEASE?

ROADHOG: im under strict orders from winston to keep you contained

WINSTON: At least someone follows orders.

ANA: Well if anyone needs me ill be going to the pub to drink myself under the table

REINHARDT: Likewise.  
REINHARDT: Although it's not entirely possible for me to get drunk.

WINSTON: Please just behave.

REINHARDT: I always behave.

MCCREE: false

REINHARDT: Don't make me change my mind.

MCCREE: hey man you do you  
MCCREE: genji and i are going back to the arcade

GENJI: im gonna win enough tickets for that xbox

D.VA: good luck n00b

76: This is going to be a total disaster.

WIDOWMAKER: Most likely.  
WIDOWMAKER: But that's pretty much the norm with this team.

TRACER: and thats the truth!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Alex12014 on giving me the idea for this chapter. I hope I didn't completely butcher it!
> 
> As the number of chapters continues to increase, I find myself running out of steam every so often. If any of you have any ideas for a chapter in this fic, please feel free to share them in the comments below! Your ideas are always appreciated and I hope I do them justice. Thanks so much for reading!


	35. torbjorn gets his revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves. Torbjorn's on the war path.

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [GIVE ME BACK MY LEFT SHOE GENJI, YOU SHIT]**

MCCREE: YALL ARE SO FUCKING DEAD

D.VA: what did we get ourselves into

TORBJORN: I actually can't believe any of you.

GENJI: IT WAS LENAS IDEA

TRACER: NO IT WASNT STOP!

WINSTON: You all deserve what's about to happen.

LUCIO: wait pls no

TORBJORN: I can deal with all of your shenanigans.  
TORBJORN: But when you start fucking with my stuff...  
TORBJORN: _That's where I draw the line._

REINHARDT: I haven't seen Torbjorn this worked up since the flashlight incident.

TORBJORN: _NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN._

ANA: Lmao ur all dead af

76: What the fuck happened?

TORBJORN: Hana and Genji thought it would be funny to rearrange the objects in the armory.  
TORBJORN: And in the process, they somehow managed to destroy just about everything.

ANA: OMG

D.VA: lena told us to do it

TRACER: I DID NOT!

GENJI: lucio helped too

LUCIO: NO I DIDNT STFU

TORBJORN:

 

 MCCREE: uh oh

LUCIO: DID HE JUST FUCKING MEME ON US?

76: This is the start of a massacre.

REINHARDT: I can recall only one other instance of this.

D.VA: THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?

ANA: Yup  
ANA: Dont u guys wonder what happened to jesses hand?

LUCIO: ...what?

MCCREE: i dont wanna talk about it

D.VA: wait we need context

REINHARDT: Another time.

WINSTON: You really don't want to hear this story.

LUCIO: disagree

GENJI: wait u told me u lost it in an explosion

MCCREE: i did  
MCCREE: youll notice that i didnt specify what caused the explosion or where it was

TRACER: wait is that why theres a crater in training room c?

MCCREE: i said i dont wanna talk about it

76: This story is the last thing you need to be worrying about right now.

LUCIO: but wait i wanna know more

REINHARDT: You can't.

LUCIO: why not?

TORBJORN:

 

JUNKRAT: LMFAO

D.VA: WHY THE FUCK IS HE DOING THIS NOW HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING?

MERCY: Doing something to Torbjorn is basically a sentence for the start of meme warfare.

76: As if Lucio and Hana weren't bad enough.

LUCIO: hey i can hold my own in a meme fight

WINSTON: You clearly haven't been a part of a real meme fight.

MCCREE: yeah torb fights dirty

REINHARDT: Wait until you go back to your room and find a turret on your bed.

ANA: A turret that shoots carrots

76: Sharpened carrots.

MCCREE: and then before you can even attempt to run torb will smash your kneecap in with his hammer

WINSTON: Leaving you writhing in pain while the carrot turret makes a pin cushion out of you.

REAPER: **And then, right when you think it's over, you get a bucket of melted cheese dumped on you.**

MERCY: Hot melted cheese.

REINHARDT: And while you sit there, feeling as your skin blisters from the hot cheese, you'll see Torbjorn glancing menacingly at you from a distance, holding a sign that has two words on it.

76: "Git Gud."

MCCREE: and then its over

ANA: But then u constantly live in fear that its going to happen again without warning

MERCY: Because all it takes in one incident.

WINSTON: And Torbjorn will never truly forgive you.

REAPER: **You can never look at him the same way again, because when you see his face, all you will remember is the fear and pain he put you through.**

REINHARDT: The thoughts will haunt you for the rest of your life.

D.VA: i feel like i just read a fucking horror novel

LUCIO: it seems like youre all speaking from experience

WINSTON: Why do you think Torbjorn makes himself scarce?

76: He's not doing it because he doesn't like us.

ANA: Hes doing it for our own protection

TRACER: IS IT TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE?

TORBJORN: Yes.

TRACER: SHIT

GENJI: this isnt going to end well

TORBJORN: No, it most certainly is not.  
TORBJORN: Especially for you.

LUCIO: can i pls be spared?

TORBJORN: No.

LUCIO: technically i didnt do anything wrong

TORBJORN: 

76: Heavens.

MCCREE: MY GOD

REINHARDT: I'd be laughing if I wasn't so scared.

LUCIO: TORB PLS

**User [TORBJORN LINDHOLM] changed chat name to [NEW MEMBERS WANTED! LAST ONES DISAPPEARED MYSTERIOUSLY]**

ANA: Well it was nice knowing all of u

GENJI: JESSE IS THIS WHY U KEPT TELLING US TO STOP?

MCCREE: i was giving you a fair warning

GENJI: I THOUGHT U WERE JUST BEING A BITCH

MCCREE: every man has his limits genji

LUCIO: are we going to die?

TORBJORN:

 

D.VA: THESE MEMES ALL SUCK

TORBJORN:

 

WINSTON: I think I'm just going to sit back and watch this one unfold.

76: I think we all are.

LUCIO: are you seriously just going to let this happen?

WINSTON: Absolutely.

ANA: Yes

REINHARDT: Pretty Much.

REAPER: **Goodbye.**

MCCREE: i warned yall

LUCIO: FUCK

GENJI: lena why did we agree to be a part of this?

TRACER: i didnt know torb would react like this!

76: You were both part of the original team.  
76: How the fuck did you never know about Torbjorn's bad side?

GENJI: i spent a lot of time playing pool

TRACER: torbjorn never spoke to us how were we supposed to know?

WINSTON: Did the two of you completely forget about the time Jesse and Jack had to take Liao to the emergency room?

GENJI: u told me that happened because he fell off the orca while him and torb were fixing it

TORBJORN: He didn't fall.  
TORBJORN: He was pushed.

GENJI: ...what the fuck?

TRACER: wait why did you take him to the emergency room?

LUCIO: yeah what happened to mercy?

MERCY: I was threatened by Torbjorn that night.  
MERCY: He said not to help Liao if I valued my life.

TORBJORN: And you won't help the four of them either.  
TORBJORN: Because I still have your diary.

MERCY: !!!  
MERCY: _TORBJORN PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!_

TORBJORN: Don't help the four of them when I maim them and your secrets will remain secrets.

MERCY: I expect blackmail from Genji and Jesse.  
MERCY: I thought you were better than this.

TORBJORN: You thought wrong.

D.VA: wait can i at least read the diary before i die?

TORBJORN: Nope.

JUNKRAT: I BET THERES SOME JUICY STUFF IN THERE

76: No one asked you.

TORBJORN: Oh, there is.  
TORBJORN: But that's a story for another day.

REINHARDT: @SOMBRA  
REINHARDT: Would you mind giving me camera access so I can watch Torbjorn kill everyone?  
REINHARDT: I'm too afraid to leave my room.

SOMBRA: yeah give me a second  
SOMBRA: boop

REAPER: **The sound effect is not necessary.**

SOMBRA: yes it is  
SOMBRA: also dont kill hana  
SOMBRA: i still need her in my life

TORBJORN: Well, that's a damn shame.

SOMBRA: dont fucking do it

TORBJORN: Last time I checked, you have zero control over me.  
TORBJORN: And if you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of this.

SOMBRA: ...are you threatening me?

TORBJORN: Absolutely.

SOMBRA: do you know who i am?

TORBJORN: I sure do.  
TORBJORN: Olivia.

SOMBRA: !!!  
SOMBRA: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU????

TORBJORN: Your worst nightmare.

LUCIO: whos olivia?

SOMBRA: NO ONE SHUT UP LUCIO!

TORBJORN: Keep your mouth shut, Sombra.

SOMBRA: ASLJKFDGHEOHASLKGJSDGJ  
SOMBRA: I CANT BELIEVE THIS

D.VA: did...  
D.VA: did he just shut sombra up?  
D.VA: im now very very scared

ANA: U should be

MCCREE: youre gonna die

TRACER: please no!

GENJI: whats gonna happen to us?

TORBJORN:

 

JUNKRAT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM DYING

LUCIO: pls have mercy

REINHARDT: If you think this is bad, you should've seen what he did to Kimiko.

ANA: That was bad

76: I think she locked herself in her room for two weeks afterwards.

REAPER: **Not to mention the shot her confidence took.**

D.VA: ...are we dead?

WINSTON: You will be.

TORBJORN:

 

GENJI: FUCK EVERYBODY RUN

______________________________

**User [TORBJORN LINDHOLM] changed chatroom name to [ONE DOWN. THREE TO GO]**

REINHARDT: That was quick.

MCCREE: who died?

LUCIO: help  
LUCIO: i cant feel my body

ANA: Clearly u can still feel ur fingers

PHARAH: Maybe now you'll learn not to start problems with Torbjorn.

LUCIO: I DIDNT KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!

76: Clearly.

WINSTON: Otherwise you wouldn't have done it.

REAPER: **Why do you think the rest of us leave Torbjorn alone?**

LUCIO: I REGRET EVERYTHING

MERCY: That's a first.

MCCREE: once again  
MCCREE: i warned you

LUCIO: SOMEONE CALL 911

WINSTON: Emergency Services has blocked our number because of the Sneaker Incident.

JUNKRAT: I SAID I WAS SORRY

76: Clearly, Emergency Services didn't accept that apology.

LUCIO: FUCK

________________________________

**User [TORBJORN LINDHOLM] changed chatroom name to [D.VA DOWN]**

SOMBRA: pls dont tell me shes dead

TORBJORN: She's not.  
TORBJORN: But I bet she wishes she was.

D.VA: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY COMPUTER?????

76: Oh god.

TORBJORN: I confiscated it.  
TORBJORN: And shipped it to Oklahoma.

D.VA: FUCKING WHY?

TORBJORN: Because I knew it would infuriate you.

ANA: Damn cold blooded

TORBJORN: That's not the worst part.

D.VA: ...  
D.VA: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

TORBJORN: Another computer.  
TORBJORN: Although slightly less powerful.

D.VA: SLIGHTLY?

MCCREE: this might be the worst thing torbs ever done

D.VA: WHAT YEAR WAS THIS COMPUTER MADE?

TORBJORN: 1998.  
TORBJORN: Give or take a few years.

D.VA: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STREAM WITH THIS THING?

TORBJORN: You're not.  
TORBJORN: It's not powerful enough to stream on.

D.VA: THATS IT IM KILLING MYSELF  
D.VA: DONT MISS ME

WINSTON: We won't.

D.VA: FUCK YOU

___________________________

**User [TORBJORN LINDHOLM] changed chatroom name to [RUN GENJI BECAUSE YOU'RE NEXT]**

GENJI: DONT WORRY IM RUNNING

76: What did you do to Lena?

SYMMETRA: He had me install a program on her Chronal Accelerator.  
SYMMETRA: Every time he presses a button, Lena gets transported to a timeline where the planet is entirely made of water.

WINSTON: Lena can't swim.

SYMMETRA: Well yes, that's why he did it.

REINHARDT: That's cruel.

MCCREE: wait you voluntarily helped him?

SYMMETRA: Not really.  
SYMMETRA: I was really blackmailed into doing it.

TORBJORN: Oops.

ANA: This side of torb actually scares the shit out of me

TORBJORN: As it should.

TRACER: TORB PLS STOP

TORBJORN:

 

REAPER: **This meme warfare is getting out of control.**

MCCREE: its too late  
MCCREE: this wont stop until theres only one person left standing

TORBJORN: And that one person will be me.  
TORBJORN: _Because Genji will die next._

GENJI: PLS GOD NO

___________________________

**User [TORBJORN LINDHOLM] changed chatroom name to [THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS]**

WINSTON: Well, I guess that's that.

76: I guess we need to start recruiting again.

REINHARDT: I'm impressed.  
REINHARDT: Genji's not easy to track down.

TORBJORN: I asked for Hanzo's help.

HANZO: You did not.  
HANZO: You threatened me into helping.

TORBJORN: I guess it depends on who you're talking to.

HANZO: ...Can I go back to my show now?

TORBJORN: Don't let me keep you.

MCCREE: i fucking warned every single one of them

TORBJORN: And it's clear that they were foolish not to listen to you.

SOMBRA: wait are they actually dead?

TORBJORN: They might be  
TORBJORN: Today was a bad day for them.

ANA: Its fine  
ANA: Theyve been through worse

REINHARDT: I doubt that.

MCCREE: yeah no amount of training is going to prepare you for this

MERCY: Should I open the Medical Wing?

TORBJORN: If you want.  
TORBJORN: I don't know how well you can tend to mental scars.

MERCY: I really can't.

TORBJORN: Oh well.

SYMMETRA: Will they survive?

TORBJORN: Time will tell.  
TORBJORN: Now, if there are no further problems, I have work to do.

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [THERE WERE NO SURVIVORS]**

WINSTON: Can we please not let this happen again?

76: I think they've all learned their lessons.

MERCY: Doubt it.

MCCREE: yeah really genjis not very bright

PHARAH: So...what do we do now?

REAPER: Nothing

ANA: We just wait to see if they survive

SOMBRA: i can see genji through the cameras  
SOMBRA: i dont think hes gonna make it

WINSTON: Well, we'll remember him fondly.

MCCREE: no we wont


	36. the overwatch employee code of conduct (and some poorly timed puns)

**7-13-20XX**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

WINSTON: We have a meeting in the conference room in ten minutes.  
WINSTON: I expect you two to be there.

LIAO: we have a conference room?

WINSTON: ...Of course.

LIAO: why did i not know this?

WINSTON: Liao...  
WINSTON: _You helped design the floor plan._

GENJI: no he didnt

LIAO: yeah jack threw me off the project after i suggested we add a room made entirely of gumdrops

GENJI: a sad story if ive ever heard one

WINSTON: How did you even expect that to work?

LIAO: idk  
LIAO: i wasnt in charge of the construction

WINSTON: Please just be at the meeting.

GENJI: whats this one about?

WINSTON: Code of Conduct in the Work Place.

LIAO: again?

WINSTON: None of you seemed to have learned from the first presentation.

GENJI: guilty as charged

WINSTON: I'll see you both there.

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

MORRISON: Have either of you seen my sunglasses?

GENJI: wtf do u need sunglasses for?

LIAO: yeah its like nine at night

MORRISON: Just tell me where they are.

LIAO: i have no fucking clue

MORRISON: Doubt it.

GENJI: did u ask gabe?

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: Do you think he took them?

LIAO: you tell me  
LIAO: hes your boyfriend

MORRISON: He's not my boyfriend...

LIAO: lies

GENJI: stop denying it already

MORRISON: No.

LIAO: for fucks sake  
LIAO: @GABE

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

REYES: Someone rang?

LIAO: did you take jacks sunglasses?

REYES: I didn't take them.  
REYES: He left them in my gym bag.

MORRISON: Oh, that's where they are!  
MORRISON: I'm going to come get them.

REYES: Be my guest.

LIAO: gay

GENJI: super gay

MORRISON: Shut up or I'll make you both run laps again.

LIAO: pls  
LIAO: my feet still hurt from last week

REYES: So shut it.

GENJI: okay seriously tho  
GENJI: why do u need sunglasses right now?

MORRISON: Classified.

LIAO: hey i have the same level of clearance that you have

MORRISON: Not in this situation.

LIAO: bullshit

REYES: File a complaint.

LIAO: i would  
LIAO: but hr has me blacklisted

GENJI: what did u expect?

MORRISON: You got that poor kid fired.

LIAO: he shouldnt have taken my cheetos

MORRISON: I'm pretty sure this is exactly why Winston's holding yet another Code of Conduct meeting.

LIAO: i doubt im completely responsible for that

REYES: You're not entirely.  
REYES: But you're definitely at least 90% of the reason why.

GENJI: yeah liao ur a bad seed

LIAO: old news

MORRISON: Well, that's the warning bell.  
MORRISON: Get moving you two.

GENJI: fuck

___________________________________

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

REINHARDT: I still don't understand why I needed to attend this.

WINSTON: It was a mandatory meeting.

GENJI: so wheres everyone else?

WINSTON: The Watchpoint is a decent size, Genji.  
WINSTON: It takes a while to get from Point A to Point B sometimes.

MCCREE: so whats this about again?

WINSTON: Code of Conduct Policies in the Work Place.

MCCREE: again?

WINSTON: It's becoming necessary since a large majority of you choose not to listen.

ANA: Did we all really have to come?

LIAO: yeah why couldnt you just email us the powerpoint?

WINSTON: Normally, I would.  
WINSTON: But, thanks to Agent McCree, most of you can't even access your emails.  
WINSTON: Which is partly why we're here today.

MORRISON: That was you?

MCCREE: i didnt admit to nothing

REYES: How?

MCCREE: im a man of many talents

GENJI: i think he did us a favor  
GENJI: email is so 2005

REINHARDT: It's still a very useful form of communication.

LIAO: unlike this chatroom

MCCREE: hey now

ANA: Where the fuck are all the chairs?

WINSTON: _Liao..._

LIAO: hey i needed more for my chair fort

WINSTON: Yet another reason why I've decided to hold this meeting again.

REYES: Next time, can't you just make it mandatory for the kids, Liao, and Ana?

ANA: Y me?

MORRISON: Don't even pretend that you're innocent.

ANA: Fair enough  
ANA: But im also in charge so im exempt

WINSTON: That's not how this works.

ANA: Its not?  
ANA: Looks like i need to make a change to the rules

MORRISON: You don't have the authority.

ANA: Oh hey another rule i need to edit

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

MERCY: Sorry I'm late.

MCCREE: dont be we didnt even start

MERCY: Um...where are all the chairs?

LIAO: they disappeared mysteriously

MERCY: So, where am I supposed to sit?

GENJI: this dick

LIAO: DGJKATUEJHBVSBKETJH

WINSTON: And you ask why this was necessary.

REINHARDT: If you really think that continuing to pester us with this meetings is going to help matters, you're just as crazy as Liao.

MERCY: I'll pass.  
MERCY: Even though I know that you don't have a dick.  
MERCY: Since I rebuilt your body and all.

GENJI: WOW

LIAO: HAH!

REYES: Can we just start already?  
REYES: No sense dragging this out longer than we need to.

WINSTON: We're still missing a few names.

MORRISON: @MIREMBE @GERARD @LENA @KIMIKO

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [MY ERECTION'S LASTED LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CALL 911]**

LACROIX: Mirembe and I are on the way.  
LACROIX: We stopped at the cafeteria for a quick snack.

WINSTON: You two are literally the last people that need to attend a meeting like this.

MIREMBE: We know.

MERCY: Winston, Lena's still in the Medical Wing.  
MERCY: I don't think it would be wise for her to leave so soon.

TRACER: hey im fine!

MERCY: You are not.  
MERCY: Don't move.

TRACER: fiiiiiiiiiine!

REYES: We might as well start.  
REYES: Just type in the chat so Lena doesn't miss anything.

MORRISON: That's so detrimental.

REINHARDT: The rest of us are all here.

REYES: Just do it...

WINSTON: Okay then.  
WINSTON: I'm not going to waste everyone's time with pleasantries.  
WINSTON: But it's become increasingly obvious that I need to go over the ground rules for Employee Conduct again.

ANA: @LIAO

LIAO: hey its not all me

KIMIKO: It's mostly you.  
KIMIKO: With the ocassional incident from Genji or Jesse.  
KIMIKO: Usually with help from Ana.

ANA: Oops

WINSTON: First of all, if someone has been stealing your food, there are better courses of action _besides_ sending a false report to Human Resources.

LIAO: it wasnt false  
LIAO: it was just extremely inaccurate

REYES: ...What?

REINHARDT: That's literally the same thing.

LIAO: shut up

MCCREE: what exactly did you say again?

LIAO: nothing too bad  
LIAO: just that he was peeping on angela and kimiko in the locker room

GENJI: u are literally the worst kind of person

LIAO: i have seniority here  
LIAO: dont challenge me

WINSTON: Moving on.  
WINSTON: Agent McCree will stop hacking into other member's personal files.

MCCREE: what good are these hacking skills i learned with deadlock if i cant use them?

MORRISON: You can use them.  
MORRISON: Just use them correctly!

MCCREE: i wasnt taught how to use them that way

KIMIKO: Learn.

MCCREE: no

WINSTON: Also, when Angela asks everyone want they want to eat, Genji will stop answering with, "A slice of dat ass."

LIAO: BUT WHY???  
LIAO: THATS SO FUCKING GOOD

GENJI: thank you thank you

WINSTON: It's rude.  
WINSTON: And bordering on Sexual Harrassment.

MIREMBE: Bordering?

GENJI: BUT ANGELA LIKES IT

WINSTON: I don't care if Angela likes that answer or not, stop it.

MERCY: It was funny the first few times.  
MERCY: Now it's just getting redundant.

GENJI: booo

REYES: If we keep going like this, we're going to be here for hours.

LACROIX: Probably more.

REINHARDT: The list is expanding as we speak.

WINSTON: At the request of the janitorial crew, whoever keeps drawing penises on the walls outside the gym will stop now.

REINHARDT: @ANA

ANA: !!!!  
ANA: REINHARDT NO

MORRISON: I FUCKING KNEW IT

LIAO: OH BUT IM THE PROBLEM HERE?

ANA: IM IN CHARGE  
ANA: FUCK U

MORRISON: Technically, I'm still your boss.

ANA: U and I both know that u would never fire me

MORRISON: I wouldn't.  
MORRISON: But goddamn, you're a little shit.

ANA: Thats my specialty.

MCCREE: fareehas going to be fucked in the head when she gets older

ANA: She already is  
ANA: But most of that is because Liao made her watch all the Saw movies when she was five.

LIAO: THAT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA!

ANA: It was.  
ANA: But i was going to wait until she was a bit older  
ANA: That movie instilled dangerous thoughts into her head

REINHARDT: More dangerous than usual?

LIAO: yeah seriously that kid was already a loose cannon

ANA: _U should see what she started doing to the mice in the basement liao_

LACROIX: That was her?  
LACROIX: I thought Torbjorn was designing a trap of some kind.

ANA: I wish it was that simple

WINSTON: Ahem.

ANA: By all means continue

WINSTON: One last thing.  
WINSTON: Morrison and Reyes.  
WINSTON: _Stop fucking in the Kitchen._

MORRISON: !!!!

REYES: No.

MIREMBE: Ew.

KIMIKO: Fuck's sake, guys.  
KIMIKO: We make _food_ there!

REYES: We clean up.  
REYES: Sometimes.

LIAO: WAIT IS THAT WHY THE COUNTER WAS STICKY LAST NIGHT?

REYES: Possibly.

LIAO: GENJI TOLD ME IT WAS SODA  
LIAO: I SPENT LIKE FIVE MINUTES TRYING TO CLEAN IT OFF

MCCREE: _**stop**_

LACROIX: I'm not usually one to agree with Jesse.  
LACROIX: But this conversation needs to end before it gets worse.

MERCY: How much worse could it get?

KIMIKO: I don't think we want to find out the answer to that question.

WINSTON: I hope everyone learned a thing or two from tonight's meeting.

REINHARDT: Not really.

KIMIKO: Nope.

LIAO: I LEARNED EVERYTHING I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW

MCCREE: i learned that i probably should have just allowed myself to be arrested

REYES: Boy, don't I wish.

MCCREE: rude

TRACER: angie can i please leave?

MERCY: Not until I clear you.  
MERCY: And stop calling me Angie.

TRACER: why can fareeha say it but i cant?

MERCY: Uh.  
MERCY: No reason.

ANA: Is there something u want to share with us doctor barbie?

MERCY: Stop calling me that, too.

ANA: No

MCCREE: can i go now?  
MCCREE: i was about to beat reinhardt in connect four

REINHARDT: You most certainly were not.

MCCREE: its all a matter of perspective

REINHARDT: From every perspective, you were losing.

MCCREE: fine ill just go fuck myself

REINHARDT: Good.

MIREMBE: I'm sure we've learned absolutely nothing of value from this meeting.

WINSTON: That's what I'm afraid of.

LACROIX: Unfortunately, that's usually what happens.

LIAO: @GENJI  
LIAO: come to the kitchen

GENJI: why?

LIAO: JUST DO IT

WINSTON: _Liao, I swear to God._

____________________________

MORRISON: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

LIAO: he had that coming

WINSTON: There are so many better ways to handle these things.

LIAO: violence is usually the one that makes the biggest impact though

LACROIX: I mean, he's not wrong.

GENJI: y did u do that to me?

LIAO: thats what you get for lying about the counter

MCCREE: what did he do?

GENJI: he threw a can of soda at me the second i walked in the door  
GENJI: and it actually really hurt

LIAO: it did?

GENJI: uh duh?

LIAO: but it was a _soft_ drink

MCCREE: leave

LIAO: maybe i will  
LIAO: and maybe ill find friends who actually appreciate me

REINHARDT: There is not a single person in the world who would appreciate you after a pun that awful.

LIAO: sad face

GENJI: just go away  
GENJI: after that we dont want u here anymore

LIAO: it was funny and you know it

GENJI: nothing about u is funny

KIMIKO: Except for your face.

MERCY: And your fighting skill.

REYES: And your existence.

LIAO: wow okay i guess ill just go kill myself

ANA: Thats pretty funny too

LIAO: ...  
LIAO: did you learn nothing from this meeting?

ANA: Not really no

LIAO: goddammit

WINSTON: Exactly what I expected.

TRACER: IM FREE!

MERCY: GET. BACK. HERE.

TRACER: NEVER!

REINHARDT: This'll be interesting.

MCCREE: not when lena dies

KIMIKO: That's what Angela has the staff for.

LIAO: rip

MCCREE: fuck you

LIAO: eat me

MCCREE: ill kill you  
MCCREE: WHAT THE MCFUCK?

LACROIX: What?

MCCREE: he just threw something at me  
MCCREE: is this  
MCCREE: the salt shaker from the cafeteria?

LIAO: guess what jesse?  
LIAO: you were just  
LIAO: _a salted_

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: just go the fuck away already

LIAO: never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: The badly timed puns is me. It's also the reason why my friends hate me and my existence. But I refuse to change myself.


	37. how to do misplace an eight foot tall pig man?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for movies that are like five years old so if you haven't seen them yet I'm not taking responsibility.

76: Have you learned your lesson?

GENJI: not really no

LUCIO: yeah we dont learn

MERCY: I can see that.

MCCREE: torb really did a number on them huh?

76: That's an understatement.

MERCY: It took me four hours to reattach Genji's arms.

SYMMETRA: That's not too bad.

MEI: That's still a long time.

HANZO: Compared to past incidents, it's not nearly as long.

MCCREE: yeah i remember when we went to seaworld

GENJI: _WE PROMISED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN_

MCCREE: i still havent forgiven you for what you did to that seal

GENJI: THEY SAID IT WAS FRIENDLY

REINHARDT: I don't why you thought trying to prove that theory was a good idea.

ANA: When does genji ever have a good idea?

GENJI: clearly never

D.VA: you learn fast

MEI: Is everyone okay?

LUCIO: define okay

MEI: Are you breathing?

GENJI: barely

MEI: Good enough.

REAPER: **No it isn't.**

ZARYA: You're all idiots.

LUCIO: old news

D.VA: yeah really tell us something we dont know

ZARYA: I beat your high score in Tetris.

D.VA: OMG NO YOU DIDNT

MEI: She did.  
MEI: I was there.

D.VA: I SPENT LIKE THREE DAYS GETTING THAT HOW DID YOU BEAT IT?

ZARYA: Carefully.

D.VA: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER

MCCREE: dont worry thatll change

76: Did we get Lena back yet?

WINSTON: I'm working on it.  
WINSTON: Satya, what program did you use for this?

SYMMETRA: I honestly don't remember.  
SYMMETRA: It's hard to think straight when a dwarf is holding you at gun point.

MCCREE: you think thats bad?  
MCCREE: see what happens when you spoil a movie ending for ana

ANA: JESSE I SWEAR TO GOD

REINHARDT: Can confirm.  
REINHARDT: She didn't talk to me for two months after I spoiled the ending of Shutter Island.

76: She shaved my eyebrows off when she overheard Gabe and I discussing the ending of Fight Club.

REAPER: **Han Solo died.**

ANA: FUCK U  
ANA: I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT MOVIE

REAPER: **You took way too long to watch it.**  
REAPER: **I don't feel bad.**

ANA: FUCK U

TRACER: IS IT OVER?

WINSTON: For the moment.  
WINSTON: Someone remind me to confiscate that remote from Torbjorn.

LUCIO: hey winston you should confiscate that remote from torb

WINSTON: Sarcasm isn't appreciated.

LUCIO: too bad

DOOMFIST: Does this happen often?

PHARAH: It's almost a daily occurrence at this point.

76: This is honestly pretty tame compared to other things that have happened over the years.

DOOMFIST: The fact that you haven't self-destructed yet is very surprising to me.

GENJI: well weve already self destructed once

MCCREE: yeah thanks reyes

REAPER: **Fuck off.**

JUNKRAT: HEY HAS ANYONE SEEN ROADIE?

LUCIO: ive been in the med bay for the last nine hours why do you think i wouldve seen him?

JUNKRAT: THAT QUESTION WAS DIRECTED TO EVERYONE YA SHIT

LUCIO: im part of everyone

76: Not really.

LUCIO: wow

MERCY: How do you misplace an eight foot pig man?

JUNKRAT: IM A FEW SANDWICHES SHORT OF A PICNIC

D.VA: were having a picnic?

JUNKRAT: ITS A SAYING FFS

MCCREE: no one has ever said that before

JUNKRAT: THEY DO IN THE OUTBACK MATE

LUCIO: so that means were not having a picnic?

JUNKRAT: NO  
JUNKRAT: THIS ISNT FUNNY I CANT FIND ROADIE

76: Have you tried calling him?

JUNKRAT: SIX TIMES  
JUNKRAT: @ROADIE  
JUNKRAT: ...  
JUNKRAT: IM SCARED IDK WHERE HE IS

WINSTON: Don't panic, he can take care of himself.

JUNKRAT: NO HE CANT  
JUNKRAT: IM THE ONE WHO HAD TO TAKE CARE OF US ALL THOSE YEARS IN THE OUTBACK

MEI: Not according to him.

JUNKRAT: HEY IM THE BRAINS OF THIS OUTFIT  
JUNKRAT: HES THE BRAWN

MCCREE: i think hes both

JUNKRAT: FUCK YOU  
JUNKRAT: JUST HELP ME FIND HIM

PHARAH: Are you sure he's not out in the forest looking for flowers again?

HANZO: I would've seen him.  
HANZO: I've been on look out duty all day.

GENJI: theres lookout duty?

MCCREE: why is this the first time im hearing about this?

HANZO: Winston assigns the important jobs to the competent members.

MCCREE: hey im competent

MERCY: No you're not.

LUCIO: yeah you still dont know how to use the washing machine

MCCREE: thats a lie

MERCY: Is it?

MCCREE: ...partly  
MCCREE: i know how to use it  
MCCREE: i still dont know what temperature to wash everything at

D.VA: bruh

JUNKRAT: WHO CARES?  
JUNKRAT: WE NEED TO FIND ROADIE

76: He's obviously still on base.

JUNKRAT: I CANT FIND HIM

MEI: You can barely find your room.  
MEI: I don't know how you could find Roadhog.  
MEI: Even if he is eight feet tall.

JUNKRAT: RUDE

76: Are we really going to drop everything and find Roadhog?

WINSTON: I think Roadhog can handle himself.  
WINSTON: However, if anyone wants to go searching for him, you're more than welcome.

76: Please don't.

JUNKRAT: IM GOING

SYMMETRA: Someone should probably go along with him.  
SYMMETRA: I fear what he'll do if he's unsupervised.

JUNKRAT: ILL BE FINE

MCCREE: you wont  
MCCREE: im coming with you

JUNKRAT: FINE MATE

GENJI: i wanna go

MERCY: None of you are going anywhere.

GENJI: come on angela im fine

MERCY: You are not.  
MERCY: The three of you are staying here until tomorrow morning at least.

LUCIO: fine by me  
LUCIO: i dont think i could move even if i wanted to

TRACER: im gonna lock myself in my room where theres no water

EMILY: Do you want me to come?

GENJI: gay

EMILY: Shush.

TRACER: idk  
TRACER: im emotionally scarred

EMILY: I'll bet you could use a hug.

TRACER: i could use several hugs

EMILY: I'm coming.

REINHARDT: Are you even on base?

EMILY: Yes, actually.  
EMILY: I've been in the common room with Bastion and Orisa for most of the day.

BASTION: :D

REINHARDT: Why didn't you say anything?

EMILY: It's been a pretty hectic day.

ANA: Understatement of the year  
ANA: We were almost in the running for new recruits

WINSTON: Junkrat, I don't see Roadhog on any of the cameras.  
WINSTON: Are you sure he's not in his room?

JUNKRAT: HES NEVER IN HIS ROOM

DOOMFIST: How do you manage to pose a threat to us again?  
DOOMFIST: You can't even keep track of your own members.

76: I think that speaks more to Talon's uselessness than it does to Overwatch's.

DOOMFIST: Touché

REAPER: **Both organizations are useless.**  
REAPER: **One is just slightly less useless than the other.**

DOOMFIST: At this point, I don't even know if it matters.  
DOOMFIST: From what I've seen, one Talon member has already defected, two are aligned somewhat to Overwatch, and one is absolutely crazy.

MOIRA: Am I the crazy one?

DOOMFIST: That was implied, yes.

MOIRA: Wait a second.

WIDOWMAKER: Defected is a strong word.

DOOMFIST: Is it wrong though?

WIDOWMAKER: Not entirely.

LUCIO: man doomfist how does it feel to be the only normal one in the entire organization?

DOOMFIST: A lot less comforting than you may think.

ORISA: I wouldn't call him normal.  
ORISA: Douchecanoe.

DOOMFIST: This isn't going to stop, is it?

ORISA: Nope.

DOOMFIST: Charming.

JUNKRAT: OKAY IM GOING OUT LOOKING FOR ROADIE  
JUNKRAT: DONT WAIT UP FOR ME

MCCREE: hold your horses captain wallaby im coming

ANA: Im coming too

REINHARDT: I will grab every available fire extinguisher and prepare for the worst.

76: Good idea.

JUNKRAT: DONT WORRY ROADIE WELL FIND YOU

____________________________

JUNKRAT: HES NOT IN THERE

MCCREE: _That was my room..._  
MCCREE: _For what reason would he be in my room?_

JUNKRAT: IDK MATE IM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS

ANA: I dont think u had any in the first place

WINSTON: _Stop blowing things up._

JUNKRAT: THIS IS HOW WE SEARCH FOR THINGS IN THE OUTBACK WINSTON

D.VA: news flash  
D.VA: youre not in the outback anymore

JUNKRAT: FUCK YOU

______________________________

JUNKRAT: OI WHAT THE FUCK?

MCCREE: MY FUCKING CHRIST

ANA: U HAVE ROOMS FOR A REASON

WIDOWMAKER: This doesn't concern you.  
WIDOWMAKER: _Walk away._

REINHARDT: Why are you all like this?

TRACER: WE LOCKED THE DOOR FOR A REASON

ANA: HOW THE FUCK DID U EVEN GET OUT OF THE MED WING?

WIDOWMAKER: I'm an assassin.  
WIDOWMAKER: Doing things without being seen is in my job description.

MCCREE: i wish you wouldnt have been seen doing this

WIDOWMAKER: We locked the door.

REINHARDT: That doesn't do much when you have a lunatic using explosives.

JUNKRAT: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

ANA: _USE UR COMMON SENSE U IDIOT_

REINHARDT: Common sense is quite uncommon around here.

MCCREE: hi emily

EMILY: Hello Jesse.

MCCREE: i guess you were a part of this too?

EMILY: I was, yes.

MCCREE: why are you letting lena corrupt you?

EMILY: She's not.  
EMILY: We all have urges, Jesse.

WINSTON: Do I want to know?

JUNKRAT: JUST WALKED IN ON THE THREE OF THEM  
JUNKRAT: ACCIDENTALLY

TRACER: i sure hope you did it accidentally

76: What is wrong with all of you?

MCCREE: well according to emily we all have urges

REINHARDT: You're at the age where you're going be getting a lot of urges.  
REINHARDT: You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other.

ANA: REINHARDT NOT THE TIME

REINHARDT: But if you touch each other, you will get Chlamydia.  
REINHARDT: And die.

ANA: MEAN GIRLS SUCKS

REINHARDT: BLASPHEMY!

ZARYA: I was wondering where that was going.

MERCY: _Lena, get back here._

LUCIO: run lena  
LUCIO: save yourself

TRACER: LET ME FINISH WHAT IM DOING AND ILL COME BACK

MERCY: _NOW!_

JUNKRAT: MOVING ON  
JUNKRAT: ...  
JUNKRAT: FUCK HES NOT THERE EITHER

ANA: WHY WOULD HE BE IN THE FUCKING CLOSET?  
ANA: HE CANT EVEN FIT IN IT

JUNKRAT: LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED

WINSTON: _STOP. BLOWING. THINGS. UP._

_____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

SOMBRA: i can see you on the cameras

ROADHOG: how?  
ROADHOG: theres not even a camera in here

SOMBRA: thats where youre wrong

ROADHOG: theres nowhere for a camera to be

SOMBRA: incorrect

ROADHOG: ...

SOMBRA: what are you doing?

ROADHOG: im not doing anything

SOMBRA: junkrats going crazy trying to find you

ROADHOG: why?

SOMBRA: you tell me apparently he hasnt seen you in like a day

ROADHOG: i had breakfast with him this morning  
ROADHOG: is he really going that nuts about not knowing where i am?

SOMBRA: have you not heard the explosions?

ROADHOG: i thought that was dva playing titanfall again

SOMBRA: nope

ROADHOG: god fucking dammit  
ROADHOG: i cant believe this kid

SOMBRA: you better stop him  
SOMBRA: hes already destroyed jesses room and the firing range and i think the common room's next

ROADHOG: unbelievable

____________________________

JUNKRAT: IM SORRY MATE I WAS WORRIED

ROADHOG: why didnt you just look?

WINSTON: _I told you to search his room first..._

JUNKRAT: BUT HES NEVER IN HIS ROOM

MCCREE: yeah clearly not

JUNKRAT: SHUT UP

ROADHOG: we talked about this

JUNKRAT: IM SORRY  
JUNKRAT: I JUST DIDNT KNOW WHERE YOU WENT

ROADHOG: next time you can search without destroying half the base

JUNKRAT: :(

76: I can't believe this actually just happened.

MEI: This happens a little too much, Jack.  
MEI: I can't believe you don't expect it at this point.

76: I'm apparently stupidly optimistic that things will be done correctly.

REAPER: **You were always like that.**  
REAPER: **I thought you'd learn your lesson after Game Night.**

ANA: DONT

76: I guess not.

REINHARDT: Is no one going to bring up what Widowmaker was doing with Lena and Emily?

MCCREE: id rather not

ANA: i wish she had shot out both my eyes

WIDOWMAKER: I don't have to explain myself to you.

TRACER: hey shes allowed to do whatever she wants  
TRACER: including me

GENJI: gay

LUCIO: gay

EMILY: Don't act like this isn't the first time this has happened.

MCCREE: its not but why would we want it to keep happening?

EMILY: Hey, if that's what you're into, I won't judge.

76: Stop.

HANZO: Did we find Roadhog?

GENJI: do u even read the chat?

HANZO: I make an effort not to.

REINHARDT: He's fine.  
REINHARDT: As for Jesse's room.  
REINHARDT: Well, that's a different story.

HANZO: Sounds about normal.

WINSTON: That's the problem here.  
WINSTON: That should _not_ sound normal.

ZARYA: We are not normal.  
ZARYA: Get used to it.

WINSTON: I _am_ used to it.  
WINSTON: I just wish I didn't have to be.

REAPER: **Keep dreaming.**

SYMMETRA: Explaining this to Torbjorn is going to be the worst part.

ROADHOG: what do you mean?

SYMMETRA: Well, someone's going to have to rebuild everything.  
SYMMETRA: And Jesse can't do it all.

MCCREE: i can try

ANA: Just tell him genji did it  
ANA: Hes already been beaten up once

GENJI: wait hold on

SYMMETRA: I guess that's better than nothing.

GENJI: pls no  
GENJI: i just got my body parts reattached

HANZO: Shame.

SOMBRA: i can send him a message if you want

GENJI: NO

WINSTON: Go ahead.

GENJI: WINSTON Y

WINSTON: It's just easier this way.

LUCIO: hope youre comfy here  
LUCIO: cause youre gonna be here for a while

SOMBRA: im messaging him

GENJI: PLS NO

_________________________

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [RUBBER BABY BUGGY BUMPERS]**

TORBJORN:

 

GENJI: FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to all the WidowTracer shippers who were waiting patiently for the ship to finally set sail. I wasn't sure if I was going to add it at first but fuck it. Any McHanzo shippers, I'm still on the fence about adding it in but if that's what everyone wants then you will certainly get it.
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys!


	38. stop adding more characters blizzard you fucks

TORBJORN: No.

LUCIO: why not?

TORBJORN: She doesn't need to deal with all of this.

WINSTON: If she's going to join the team, I think having her in here would be best for her.  
WINSTON: But, you _are_ her father.

TORBJORN: Brigitte needs to focus on her work.  
TORBJORN: Not engage in childish antics in a group chat.

MCCREE: who are you calling childish?

D.VA: yeah you were the one that attacked me with memes and a coffee pot

TORBJORN: And yet I've still done more work in one hour than you've probably ever done in your life.

D.VA: hey streaming isnt easy

TORBJORN: Niether is constantly rebuilding parts of the Watchpoint, repairing mission equipment that you always seem to ruin, and innovating new ways to make our jobs easier.

LUCIO: cmon our jobs are easy anyway  
LUCIO: its not like talon actually poses a threat anymore

DOOMFIST: Hey now.

REAPER: **We pose plenty of threats.**

MCCREE: robbing a bagel store is not threatening  
MCCREE: especially when you only walk away with three dollars

REAPER: **How were we supposed to know that the bagel place wasn't very popular?**

MOIRA: It was going out of business!  
MOIRA: It said it on the front window!!!!

GENJI: dont feel bad moira

MERCY: No, feel very bad.

GENJI: gabe never noticed the important details

REAPER: **WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT?**  
REAPER: **NOW THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS IS SAYING IT TOO!**

GENJI: and thats my fault because?

DOOMFIST: You told Moira.  
DOOMFIST: She, in turn, told the Board.  
DOOMFIST: Who now only call Reaper by his name.

REAPER: **Gabriel Reyes is dad**  
REAPER: ***dead**  
REAPER: **FUCKING AUTOCORRECT**

LUCIO: LMAO

D.VA: I LOVE TECHNOLOGY

TRACER: okay that was funny  
TRACER: but its not true

GENJI: yeah everyone knows that reinhardt is dad

MCCREE: just ask liao

76: We are getting _very_ off topic.

PHARAH: When do we not?

76: Fair point.

REINHARDT: I prefer the term, "Hammer Daddy."

ANA: No

MEI: Just stop.

SYMMETRA: Please.

REINHARDT: _LET ME HAVE THIS!_

WINSTON: ...Back to the topic at hand.  
WINSTON: Are you absolutely sure, Torbjorn?

TORBJORN: You know how I feel about it.  
TORBJORN: This chat room is bad news and I need Brigitte to focus on her work.  
TORBJORN: However, she is an adult.  
TORBJORN: If she wants to join, I don't think I can stop her.

SOMBRA: you cant  
SOMBRA: especially if im involved

TORBJORN: You really don't scare me.  
TORBJORN: _Olivia._

SOMBRA: STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT

TORBJORN: Now, why would I do that?

SOMBRA: BECAUSE I CAN VERY EASILY LEAK YOUR PERSONAL FILES TO EVERYONE ON BASE

TORBJORN: I think that would scare all of you more than it would scare me.

REINHARDT: I don't even want to know.

TORBJORN: You're very right.  
TORBJORN: You don't want to know.

TRACER: can we hold a vote?

MEI: To leak Torbjorn's personal files?

TRACER: ...no mei  
TRACER: to add brigitte or not!

76: Do we really have to vote on everything?

TRACER: yes!

LUCIO: i like votes

WINSTON: Okay...  
WINSTON: All those who want to add Brigitte to the chat?

TRACER: aye!

LUCIO: me

D.VA: do it

MCCREE: i guess ill throw my vote in

GENJI: no one wants ur vote

MCCREE: fuck you

WINSTON: Those who oppose?

TORBJORN: Hmph.

WINSTON: I imagine that means everyone else is neutral?

ANA: More or less

76: I'm against voting in the first place.

ANA: Deal with it

MOIRA: Wait, don't I get a vote?

MERCY: No.

MOIRA: :-(  
MOIRA: Why not?

MERCY: Because you're unwanted.

MOIRA: How come Doomfist gets a vote?

LUCIO: because we like doomfist

DOOMFIST: Please don't.

MOIRA: I'm a fun person!

MEI: You're about as fun as a root canal.

MOIRA: :-(

WINSTON: Well...  
WINSTON: If there's no further objections.

**[WINSTON] added [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] to chatroom [I PASSED 43 KIDNEY STONES TODAY]**

WINSTON: Hello Brigitte.

BRIGITTE: Hej Winston!  
BRIGITTE: Hej @EVERYONE!

TRACER: hi!

MCCREE: howdy

GENJI: sup

D.VA: welcome to the best decision of your life

BRIGITTE: I wouldn't go that far.  
BRIGITTE: I just got here, after all.

LUCIO: give it time  
LUCIO: youll warm up to it

BRIGITTE: I don't know.  
BRIGITTE: If my father's experiences are any indication, I might be in for it.

GENJI: nah  
GENJI: ur good

D.VA: youre not like torb are you?

BRIGITTE _:_ I'm not entirely sure how to answer that.

D.VA: you wont attack me with memes or kitchenware would you?

BRIGITTE: Oh...  
BRIGITTE: I don't think so.  
BRIGITTE: As long as you don't give me a reason to.

MCCREE: she will

BRIGITTE: Speaking of which.  
BRIGITTE: Is my father here?

TORBJORN: Unfortunately.

BRIGITTE: _Du attackerade henne med köksredskap?_

TORBJORN: _Hon förtjänade det._

BRIGITTE: _Vi pratade om det här, pappa._

TORBJORN: _Jag behöver inte en föreläsning från dig._

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [I PASSED 43 KIDNEY STONES TODAY]**

BRIGITTE: Always so difficult.

LUCIO: i dont mean to be rude  
LUCIO: but does your dad always have a stick up his ass

BRIGITTE: More often than not.

REINHARDT: Remind me to tell you all about Kimiko's baby shower one day.

76: _NO!_

ANA: _NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN_

D.VA: okay seriously how many incidents are there that no ones allowed to speak about?

WINSTON: I don't think numbers go up that high.

MCCREE: a lot  
MCCREE: most of them are really bad

GENJI: all of them are really bad

REINHARDT: Change the topic.

SYMMETRA: Give it a few minutes.  
SYMMETRA: The topic usually changes on its own.

LUCIO: hey brigitte

BRIGITTE: Yes?

LUCIO: if you want to be a part of the team you have to pass an initiation test

76: There's never once been an initiation to join the team.

LUCIO: SHUT UP  
LUCIO: YOURE NOT IN CHARGE ANYMORE

76: Some would disagree.

MCCREE: i wouldnt

76: Fuck you.

LUCIO: ANYWAY  
LUCIO: in order to join the team you must answer a single question

BRIGITTE: Okay?

LUCIO: the answer to this question will determine if you are qualified to join the team or not

BRIGITTE: I'm scared.

LUCIO: dont be  
LUCIO: its an easy question

MEI: Lucio, please don't stress out the new member for no reason.

LUCIO: im not going to  
LUCIO: like i said  
LUCIO: its an easy question

DOOMFIST: The suspense is killing me.

ORISA: Good.  
ORISA: Keep Doomfist in suspense.

DOOMFIST: I really think we can work through our differences.

ORISA: You are horribly wrong.

BRIGITTE: There appears to be a lot of hostility between these two.

ORISA: It's justified.  
ORISA: By the way.  
ORISA: Hello Brigitte!  
ORISA: It's a pleasure to meet you!

BRIGITTE: Likewise.  
BRIGITTE: How is Efi?

ORISA: She is wonderful!  
ORISA: Unfortunately, she doesn't have the time to communicate in the chat very often.  
ORISA: But I will tell her you said hi!

BRIGITTE: Great!

SYMMETRA: If I'm not mistaken, wasn't there a question that was going to be asked?

MCCREE: maybe at one point

LUCIO: OKAY SERIOUSLY EVERYONE SHUT UP  
LUCIO: brigitte

BRIGITTE: Yes?

LUCIO: i need to know

GENJI: holy fuck get on with it

LUCIO: are  
LUCIO: you  
LUCIO: gay?

BRIGITTE: I'm sorry?

76: For fuck's sake.

BRIGITTE: Am I missing something?

PHARAH: Ignore him.

LUCIO: no wait

BRIGITTE: Is this really an initiation?

76: There never was an initiation.

BRIGITTE: ...

D.VA: its kind of a serious question though

WINSTON: Can we not overwhelm Brigitte on the first day she's here?

TRACER: its an innocent question luv!

BRIGITTE: Is this common around here?

MEI: Very.

LUCIO: look im not trying to be nosy i just wanna know  
LUCIO: because theres still a lot of single folk around here that im sure would love a partner  
LUCIO: same sex or not

BRIGITTE: Uh...

WINSTON: Lucio, that's enough.

BRIGITTE: @REINHARDT  
BRIGITTE: Fill me in here.

REINHARDT: Hana and Sombra are dating.  
REINHARDT: Lena is dating Emily, and the two have recently included Widowmaker.  
REINHARDT: Jack and Gabe are still going through a rough patch but they're together nonetheless.

REAPER: **STOP. CALLING. ME. THAT.**

76: WE'RE NOT TOGETHER!

TRACER: yes they are!

REINHARDT: Angela and Fareeha started dating after dancing around each other for months.

PHARAH: To be fair, it wasn't that long.

ANA: U have had a crush on angela since u were 12  
ANA: It was way too long

PHARAH: MOM!

REINHARDT: Mei and Zarya are happily together.  
REINHARDT: Ana and I are exploring our own relationship.  
REINHARDT: Everyone else is single and sexually frustrated.  
REINHARDT: Except Hanzo, who is married to the practice range.

HANZO: The practice range is a preferable partner to most of you.

LUCIO: burn

BRIGITTE: ...  
BRIGITTE: Wasn't there a rule about not dating co-workers?

ANA: Yeah  
ANA: But that was like ten years ago

MCCREE: nobody listened to it anyway

BRIGITTE: Okay wait.  
BRIGITTE: Widowmaker, the Talon assassin?

WIDOWMAKER: _Ex_ Talon assassin.

DOOMFIST: We lost a very capable member.  
DOOMFIST: It's a shame really.

BRIGITTE: And who's Emily?

TRACER: my girlfriend!  
TRACER: well my other girlfriend

EMILY: I just kinda got roped into all of this.  
EMILY: I'm not a member or anything.

MCCREE: shes still family

GENJI: yeah we still like emily better than jack

76: Fuck you.

BRIGITTE: There's a lot of information to process here.

SYMMETRA: No one will blame you for being confused.  
SYMMETRA: Honestly, I still don't understand what's going on half the time.

D.VA: that really says something since satyas like the smartest one here

BRIGITTE: Oh yeah, that reminds me.  
BRIGITTE: Why are there Talon members in here?

DOOMFIST: I was forced against my will.  
DOOMFIST: I'd rather not be a part of this.

MOIRA: Likewise.  
MOIRA: Although I don't mind having the chance to talk to Angela again.  
MOIRA: ;-)

MERCY: You have a better chance of taking over the world than you do of getting with me.

MOIRA: A woman can try.

PHARAH: For all of our sakes, stop trying.

MOIRA: Momma didn't raise no bitch.

PHARAH: I'm trying to be nice to you.

MOIRA: Being nice won't get you in my pants any quicker.

PHARAH: That's not...  
PHARAH: What...

BRIGITTE: What in the world did I get myself into?

D.VA: like i said  
D.VA: the greatest decision of your life

76: Leave while you still can.

BRIGITTE: I don't know.  
BRIGITTE: I feel like I'm going to have fun here.

LUCIO: thats the spirit

GENJI: this chatroom is a bunch of fun  
GENJI: wait until u get on base

BRIGITTE: Let me just get this out of the way.  
BRIGITTE: If any of you destroy my stuff.  
BRIGITTE: I will cut you.

LUCIO: ...

D.VA: i like her already

ANA: Shes literally a carbon copy of torb

BRIGITTE: Hey, I'm going to be nice.  
BRIGITTE: Until you give me a reason not to.

SYMMETRA: That's what everyone says.

ZARYA: They will give you reason very quick.

BRIGITTE: I don't doubt it.

LUCIO: hey what happened to my donuts?

JUNKRAT: THOSE WERE YOURS?

LUCIO: are you shitting me?

ROADHOG: i told you not to eat them

JUNKRAT: THAT AINT MY FAULT MATE  
JUNKRAT: PUT UR FUCKING NAME ON THE BOX

LUCIO: I DID

JUNKRAT: I DIDNT SEE IT

ROADHOG: thats probably because you set the box on fire

JUNKRAT: I LIKE THEM WARM

MCCREE: warm or melted?

JUNKRAT: ITS ALL THE SAME TO ME

BRIGITTE: Don't steal my food either.

WINSTON: Good luck.

BRIGITTE: Understand that I'm not responsible for anyone's injuries if they touch any of my stuff.

WINSTON: I figured as much.

REINHARDT: Just be thankful Liao's not here anymore.  
REINHARDT: I can't even begin to tell you how much food he took from me.

D.VA: WAIT DID YOU TAKE MY DORITOS TOO?

JUNKRAT: I WAS HUNGRY

D.VA: PREPARE TO DIE

ROADHOG: uh oh

WINSTON: _Hana, no._

__________________________

BRIGITTE: What happened?

MERCY: Simple medical emergency.  
MERCY: Don't worry too much about it.

D.VA: FUCKING FIGHT ME N00B

JUNKRAT: KEEP THAT MENACE AWAY FROM ME

REINHARDT: This is pretty typical, honestly.

DOOMFIST: Similar things happen at Talon's HQ.

REAPER: **Don't tell them that.**

DOOMFIST: I'll tell them what I want, thank you.

MCCREE: yeah there you go

GENJI: stick up to the man

REAPER: **Both of you shut up.**

MCCREE: youre not in charge anymore reyes

REAPER: **STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!**

GENJI: lol no

BRIGITTE: I hope you get this all sorted out before I get there.

WINSTON: We'll try.

ANA: We wont  
ANA: But well try

BRIGITTE: I can't wait for this.  
BRIGITTE: Now I can finally get my own payback on Genji for destroying my gift for my father.

GENJI: WAIT WHAT

MCCREE: shes torb  
MCCREE: shes exactly torb

REINHARDT: These last few days haven't been very good for Genji.

GENJI: PLS NO

TRACER: this is going to be so funny!

PHARAH: Not if you're the doctor.

SYMMETRA: You're not the doctor either.

PHARAH: Yes, but when she gets overwhelmed, the doctor comes to me.

MOIRA: She can come to me, too.  
MOIRA: If you know what I mean.

76: Both of you stop.

ANA: Welcome to the shit show that is overwatch  
ANA: I hope u enjoy ur stay

BRIGITTE: I'm sure I will.

GENJI: CAN WE AT LEAST TALK ABOUT THIS?

BRIGITTE: Talking's for wimps.

LUCIO: rip

MCCREE: fucking stop

MEI: I promise, it's not normally this crazy.

HANZO: Yes, it absolutely is.

MEI: No one asked you.

BRIGITTE: I think I'm gonna like it here.

D.VA: kinda like how genjis gonna like his stay in the med wing again

MCCREE: we should get him his own room there at this point

MERCY: That can be arranged.

GENJI: GUYS PLEASE NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who the fuck do I even ship Brigitte with at this point? Do I ship her at all? Fuck's sake Blizzard you're making my life so much harder than it has to be.


	39. yeet or be yeeted

D.VA: so i just watched brigitte roll a pizza up like a taco and just swallow it whole

GENJI: have u seen ana?

MCCREE: yeah really shes done that like fifty times  
MCCREE: i dont even know where all that pizza goes

ANA: the next dimension

BRIGITTE: I was hungry.

D.VA: you literally just inhaled the thing

BRIGITTE: I was _really_ hungry.

REINHARDT: I've taught you well.

WINSTON: ...Brigitte, where did you get that pizza?

BRIGITTE: It was sitting on the counter.

MCCREE: fuck

LUCIO: oh shit

WINSTON: That was Satya's pizza, Brigitte.

D.VA: rip

MCCREE: shut your fucking mouth

BRIGITTE: You all really should start putting your names on things.

76: Most of us do.

ANA: Satya just grabs whatevers left when she comes out of the lab

MEI: The last time someone took her food, it wasn't pretty.

GENJI: junkrat almost lost his other leg that day

JUNKRAT: ALL OF YOU ARE TOO FUCKING VIOLENT

76: It's all part of the job.

JUNKRAT: THATS NOT A GOOD THING

76: Don't _you_ start lecturing me on what is good and bad.

BRIGITTE: So, what do I do now?

D.VA: hide

LUCIO: cower in fear

ANA: Buy satya another pizza

BRIGITTE: I will do none of those things.

GENJI: well then i guess ur gonna die

REINHARDT: Out of anyone on base, Brigitte is the least likely to be killed by Satya.  
REINHARDT: Except for Winston and maybe Hanzo.

LUCIO: why?

REINHARDT: Satya actually respects Brigitte.  
REINHARDT: Which is a rarity in itself.

BRIGITTE: I try.

D.VA: oh so i can accidentally knock a stack of paper off the desk and i get maimed but Brigitte can eat satyas food and get off scot free?

MCCREE: thats your own fault

WINSTON: Hana, you know just as well as the rest of us that Satya's an organization freak.

D.VA: THAT DOESNT MEAN I SHOULD BE BEATEN WITH A BEAKER

REAPER: **You should be beaten with stuff more often.**

GENJI: yeah it keeps u centered

D.VA: fuck off

LUCIO: why does she respect brigitte so much?  
LUCIO: shes only been here for like a week

WINSTON: Brigitte isn't loud, obnoxious, or destructive.  
WINSTON: That makes her okay in Satya's book.

SYMMETRA: Did someone call?

ANA: Not really

MCCREE: we just used your name in a sentence

SYMMETRA: Well, stop it.

LUCIO: what if we dont want to?

SYMMETRA: You really don't want to know what happens then.

GENJI: she speaks the truth

SYMMETRA: What's going on?  
SYMMETRA: Is something wrong?

ANA: Why did u assume something was wrong?

SYMMETRA: Because something usually is.

REINHARDT: That's not wrong.

WINSTON: It's nothing really.

LUCIO: no its bad

TRACER: lucio quiet!

BRIGITTE: Alright, I'll just come clean to prevent an even bigger issue.  
BRIGITTE: Satya, I ate the leftover pizza that was for you.  
BRIGITTE: I'm very sorry.

SYMMETRA: ...  
SYMMETRA: It's okay.  
SYMMETRA: I forgive you.

GENJI: FUCKING WHAT

LUCIO: WHY DOES SHE GET OFF SO EASY?

SYMMETRA: Because I know that Brigitte didn't do it on purpose.  
SYMMETRA: Unlike the rest of you.

MCCREE: dont be so sure

SYMMETRA: If you could buy me another, I would appreciate it.

BRIGITTE: Sure.  
BRIGITTE: I'll take you out later.  
BRIGITTE: My treat.

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BRIGITTE: No, not like that.

MCCREE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REINHARDT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LUCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BRIGITTE: _Stop..._

SYMMETRA: Sounds like fun.

BRIGITTE: ...  
BRIGITTE: Okay then.

REINHARDT: Is there any pizza left by the way?  
REINHARDT: I could use something to eat.

D.VA: the last time you said that you ate like eight boxes of cookies

REINHARDT: I _said_ I was hungry.

MCCREE: it cost like 300 bucks to buy all of that back

REINHARDT: Happens.

D.VA: the answer is no btw  
D.VA: brigitte ate the last of the pizza

REINHARDT: YOU MONSTER!

BRIGITTE: Hey, I need to eat too.

76: How is it possible that you ate everything?  
76: We ordered 75 boxes.

MCCREE: ana ate like twenty of them on her own

LUCIO: the fact that shes not paralyzed rn is a miracle

ANA: Ive had a lot of practice

D.VA: tracer and widowmaker started off having a romantic dinner but ended up having a contest to see who could eat more  
D.VA: spoiler alert widowmaker won

GENJI: ...how?  
GENJI: have u ever seen tracer eat?

WIDOWMAKER: I'm a woman of many talents.

TRACER: thats why i love her!

LUCIO: is emily really okay with this?

EMILY: It was my idea.

LUCIO: bruh

EMILY: Listen, we both find Widowmaker attractive.  
EMILY: It's a mutual thing.

WIDOWMAKER: <3

EMILY: <3

GENJI: seeing widowmaker happy is weird to me

WIDOWMAKER: What is "Happy?"  
WIDOWMAKER: I'm completely devoid of emotions.

MCCREE: clearly youre not devoid of pleasure

LUCIO: yeah i saw you three in the orca last night

REINHARDT: Ew.

WIDOWMAKER: You're just upset because I'm getting more than you.

MCCREE: ...wow

GENJI: HOLY FUCK

LUCIO: IM DECEASED

ANA: Bastions getting more than mccree at this point

BASTION: (◠‿◠)

MCCREE: i dont deserve this

REINHARDT: You do.

D.VA: and the rest of the pizza was just savaged by a group of wolves disguised as the rest of overwatch  
D.VA: and whatever was left was torched by junkrat

JUNKRAT: I HAVE MY PREFERENCES TOO YA KNOW

D.VA: amazingly i managed to save a box for satya  
D.VA: which was then eaten by brigitte

REINHARDT: And that's how we got here.

76: We need to have a serious discussion about the eating habits on this team.

SOMBRA: you think thats bad?  
SOMBRA: come spend a day or two with talon

76: Absolutely not.

REAPER: **Talon's not nearly as bad as Overwatch is.**

DOOMFIST: I don't know.  
DOOMFIST: Did you see what Moira did to the Fried Chicken we ordered last night?

LUCIO: hey how come they get fried chicken?

REINHARDT: You want it?  
REINHARDT: Maybe you should place the orders next time instead of saying you don't like talking to people.

MOIRA: In my defense...  
MOIRA: I didn't eat anything else at all yesterday.

DOOMFIST: It was terrifying.  
DOOMFIST: I don't even think you chewed.

MOIRA: I didn't.

REAPER: **Why are you like this?**

MOIRA: Leave me alone.  
MOIRA: I don't comment on your habits.  
MOIRA: Like the passive-aggressive text messages you keep sending to Morrison.

76: !!!

REAPER: **WOULD YOU STOP GOING THROUGH MY PERSONAL STUFF?**

MOIRA: This is Talon.  
MOIRA: Your business is everyone's business.

REAPER: **NO IT ISN'T!**

MOIRA: It is now.

GENJI: wow theres really nothing left

D.VA: idk why you thought i was kidding

GENJI: u hide a lot of food from us

D.VA: false

SOMBRA: true

D.VA: !!!

SOMBRA: im sorry i remember when i found your fruit snack stash and you still wouldnt let me have any

MCCREE: THATS WHERE THE FRUIT SNACKS WENT?

JUNKRAT: THOSE WERE MINE!

D.VA: okay fine!  
D.VA: but yeah i wasnt joking about no pizza left

GENJI: what the fuck am i supposed to eat?

DOOMFIST: Obviously not pizza.

GENJI: yeah thanks 

REINHARDT: You want something?  
REINHARDT: You do the shopping next time.

GENJI: i dont have time to go shopping  
GENJI: i want food now

LUCIO: can you even eat?

GENJI: weve discussed this numerous times lucio

LUCIO: and i didnt listen a single time

MCCREE: sounds about right

GENJI: hana help me out here

D.VA: idk what you want me to do  
D.VA: check the fridge

GENJI: fine  
GENJI: ...  
GENJI: THIS BITCH EMPTY  
GENJI: YEET

76: ...  
76: What was that?

D.VA: he just threw the fridge out the window

76: _Why?_

GENJI: it was empty  
GENJI: did u not hear me yeet?

ANA: That phrase was old when _i_ was a kid

REINHARDT: That doesn't mean it's any less amazing.

MCCREE: WAIT  
MCCREE: DID YOU TAKE MY COFFEE MUG OUT OF THERE?

GENJI: well duh  
GENJI: do u really think im that bad of a person?

LUCIO: depends on who your asking

GENJI: shut the hell ur mouth

76: _We need that, you know._

GENJI: we can buy another one

REINHARDT: Are you sure?  
REINHARDT: Have you even gone shopping before?

GENJI: once  
GENJI: years ago  
GENJI: hanzo remembers

HANZO: I try to forget that day ever happened.

LUCIO: what happened?

HANZO: It's really not a story for young ears.

LUCIO: im 26

HANZO: It doesn't matter.

WINSTON: Can you, for once, not destroy something?

GENJI: thats a big request

WINSTON: It really shouldn't be.  
WINSTON: It's an easy request to fulfill.

D.VA: come on shit like this happens everywhere

76: I doubt it happens in this magnitude.

TRACER: it might  
TRACER: i bet talon breaks stuff a lot too!

REAPER: **No, we don't.**

DOOMFIST: Yes we do.

REAPER: **WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?**

DOOMFIST: It depends on the situation.

REAPER: **STOP IT!**

DOOMFIST: No.

WIDOWMAKER: I mean, Reaper broke stuff a lot too.

MOIRA: Yes, I remember the antique vase in the conference room.

REAPER: **THAT WASN'T ME!**

SOMBRA: yes it was  
SOMBRA: i have the video footage

REAPER: **YOU'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING WITH ME, YOU KNOW!**

WIDOWMAKER: Incorrect.

REAPER: **EXCEPT YOU.**  
REAPER: **TRAITOR.**

WIDOWMAKER: At least I didn't blow up the HQ.

LUCIO: OOOOOHHHHHH SHIT

REAPER: **...**

**[REAPER] has left chatroom [DOUCHING IS NOT A FORM OF CONTRACEPTION]**

GENJI: rekted

REINHARDT: He had that coming.

DOOMFIST: He has more than that coming.

MOIRA: It wouldn't happen if he'd stop being such a crotchety old man.

TRACER: ^truth

76: This doesn't change the fact that we still need to replace the fridge.

GENJI: make sure to get one that can play music

REINHARDT: I'm not going shopping for any of you anymore.

ANA: Make roadhog go  
ANA: Hes the only one that can carry a fridge anyway

D.VA: did you just completely miss the part where genji threw one out the fucking window?

ROADHOG: i dont think bringing me into a store is a good idea

JUNKRAT: HE TENDS TO SCARE PEOPLE

MCCREE: i wonder why

SYMMETRA: At this point, I think all stores in a fifty mile radius are just going to ban us from shopping there.

HANZO: That's why Genji isn't allowed to go shopping at home anymore.

GENJI: THAT GUY WAS AN ASSHOLE AND U KNOW IT

HANZO: I do.  
HANZO: That doesn't mean that what you did was right.

LUCIO: i still want to know what happened

HANZO: I'll tell you when you're older.

LUCIO: HOW MUCH OLDER DO I NEED TO BE?

HANZO: More.

LUCIO: THAT DOESNT ANSWER MY QUESTION

HANZO: It wasn't supposed to.

MOIRA: It's good to see that we're not the only organization that's a mess.

76: We're not a mess.

MOIRA: Literally this entire chat serves to prove you wrong.

WINSTON: We're trying to do better.

DOOMFIST: You really don't have to.  
DOOMFIST: Talon's not going to be improving any time soon.

D.VA: shouldnt you be supporting your own team?

DOOMFIST: I'm a realist.  
DOOMFIST: And the reality is that Talon is a fucking shit show.

MOIRA: That's what happens when your most competent assassin defects.

WIDOWMAKER: Glad to be of service.

MOIRA: We should open a chatroom.

DOOMFIST: For what purpose?  
DOOMFIST: Everyone in Talon who would be an entertaining presence is already here.

MOIRA: It was just a suggestion.

BRIGITTE: Genji, I would either work on getting that fridge back up to the kitchen, or buying another one.

GENJI: why?

BRIGITTE: Because otherwise I'm going to tell my father, and I don't think you want that.

GENJI: ...fuck  
GENJI: i dont know if i can get it back up here

76: _Why would you throw it out in the first place?_

GENJI: my head isnt screwed on properly

MCCREE: i would talk to angela about that

GENJI: ill do it eventually

REINHARDT: Do you even have a brain up there?

ANA: I doubt it  
ANA: His heads probably just an empty vortex

GENJI: ...

TRACER: no

MCCREE: dont you fucking dare

GENJI: THIS  
GENJI: BITCH  
GENJI: EMPTY

76: _GENJI..._

GENJI: YEET

D.VA: ...  
D.VA: he just threw himself out the window

76: What the fuck is wrong with him?

TRACER: i dont think anyone really knows anymore

LUCIO: zenyattta might

ZENYATTA: I do not.  
ZENYATTA: He's just, simply speaking, an idiot.

ANA: Truest thing zenyattas ever said

BRIGITTE: Does this happen often?

WIDOWMAKER: More often than you think.  
WIDOWMAKER: And I don't even work here.

HANZO: Try growing up with him.  
HANZO: There's a reason why I killed him.

LUCIO: because he was dishonoring the family?

HANZO: That's just what the papers tell you.

REINHARDT: This got darker than expected.

SYMMETRA: It's always expected.

TRACER: this is just the tip of the iceberg

WINSTON: Is he okay?

SOMBRA: hes okay i can see him on the cameras

MCCREE: hes made of metal hes fine

76: That doesn't change the fact that we need a new fridge.

ROADHOG: i can help bring it in  
ROADHOG: granted it still works

ANA: That thing fell three stories  
ANA: I dont think its gonna work anymore

D.VA: yeah someones gotta take care of that before tonight because if my ice cream melts before movie night ill kill all of you

LUCIO: have you just been sitting in the kitchen watching all this happen this entire time?

D.VA: just about

LUCIO: cool

ANA: Well someones gotta go to the store and its not gonna be me or reinhardt

MCCREE: or me

D.VA: im not doing it

76: For fuck's sake.  
76: I'll go.  
76: Roadhog, come with me.  
76: I'm going to need your help carrying it.

ROADHOG: im gonna stay in the car

76: That's fine.

REINHARDT: You can't use the car.

76: ...Why not?

REINHARDT: Lena and Widowmaker took it out last night and didn't refill it.

76: Seriously?

TRACER: i didnt have money!

WIDOWMAKER: I said I could just steal some.

TRACER: i told you to stop stealing!

WIDOWMAKER: You're lucky I'm trying to turn over a new leaf otherwise I just would do what I want.

MCCREE: were all so proud of how you handle adversity

76: I don't believe this.  
76: The car is actually completely empty.

GENJI: THIS  
GENJI: BITCH  
GENJI: EMPTY

76: _I SWEAR TO GOD..._

GENJI: **YEET!**


	40. retribution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was mostly inspired by the Retribution event that I totally didn't just play for the first time last night. I tried to take a slightly more serious tone with this chapter because I know how much this mission impacted the Overwatch storyline. I also tried to incorporate a little more of Reyes' anger towards Morrison because I know that this event was a major turning point in expanding the rift between the two. But, of course, it wouldn't be a chapter of mine without some humor thrown in there.
> 
> Hopefully I did the event justice.

**06-14-20XX**

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered subchat [BLACKWATCH IS BETTER THAN OVERWATCH]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered subchat [BLACKWATCH IS BETTER THAN OVERWATCH]**

MCCREE: ROAD TRIP

REYES: Please stop calling it that.

MCCREE: nope  
MCCREE: its a road trip

REYES: Where the hell are the other two?

MCCREE: genjis playing liao in pool

REYES: For fuck's sake.  
REYES: I told him to stop.

MCCREE: idk why you thought he was gonna listen

REYES: I'm in charge, dammit.

MCCREE: debatable

REYES: Fuck you.

**[MOIRA O'DEORAIN] entered subchat [BLACKWATCH IS BETTER THAN OVERWATCH]**

MOIRA: Reyes, I thought you knew better than this.

REYES: Orders are orders.

MOIRA: There's no orders about this, though.

REYES: I call the shots here, O'Deorain.

MOIRA: I think we need to hold a vote.

REYES: Not a chance.

MCCREE: do i have to go?

REYES: You were literally just cheering about taking a road trip.

MCCREE: i changed my mind  
MCCREE: i get carsick easily

REYES: We're not taking a car to Italy, kid.

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: i get airsickness too

MOIRA: If we knock you out, you'll never know the difference.

REYES: Not going to happen.  
REYES: We can't adminster any medication during this mission.  
REYES: Everyone needs to be focused.

MOIRA: I wasn't planning on using medication.  
MOIRA: A crowbar works just as well.

MCCREE: wait hold on a minute

REYES: Where the fuck is Shimada?

GENJI: u called?

REYES: Have you been here the whole time?

GENJI: more or less

REYES: Why didn't you say anything?

GENJI: i didnt see any reason to contribute to the conversation until this moment

REYES: Get your stuff.  
REYES: We're heading out.

GENJI: what stuff could i possibly need?  
GENJI: everything i own is attached to me

REYES: _You know what I mean._

MCCREE: didnt morrison not approve this mission?

REYES: Jack's afraid to do what is necessary sometimes.

MOIRA: Is this the beginning of the divorce?

REYES: _We're not together..._

GENJI: dont lie to urself

MOIRA: I'm not taking responsibility if this goes south.

REYES: Yeah, yeah.  
REYES: It all falls to me.

MCCREE: okay whats the mission again?

REYES: Seriously?

MCCREE: i wasnt briefed

REYES: _You were standing right there when we were discussing it._

MCCREE: that doesnt mean i was paying attention

REYES: For the love of...  
REYES: We're going after Antonio.

MCCREE: i specifically remember morrison saying that wasn't allowed

REYES: I'm calling an audible on this play.

GENJI: this is a bad idea

MOIRA: At least someone realizes that.

REYES: We're going.  
REYES: This is the one chance we have.  
REYES: We can't let him escape because Overwatch is incompetent.

MOIRA: We are part of Overwatch.

REYES: Yes.  
REYES: The competent part.

MOIRA: I disagree.

REYES: Too bad.  
REYES: We're going.

MCCREE: im serious reyes i get airsick

GENJI: just dont look out the window and u will be fine

MCCREE: i dont think it works like that

______________________________

MCCREE: IT DIDNT WORK GENJI

MOIRA: _Those were my good shoes._

REYES: _**GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU KIDS.**_

_______________________________

GENJI: im bored

REYES: You're always bored.

MOIRA: What are we supposed to do for eight hours?

REYES: We're in Italy.  
REYES: Go find something.

GENJI: i thought we were supposed to be covert

REYES: Just don't be stupid and we'll remain covert.

MOIRA: Do you know who you're talking to?  
MOIRA: People will see Genji and faint.

GENJI: its not my fault that i look like this

MOIRA: I didn't say that it was.  
MOIRA: But you know what I mean.

GENJI: fine

REYES: I'm sure you can find something to keep yourself entertained.

MOIRA: Why are we not assaulting his compound right now?

REYES: We have to wait for nightfall.  
REYES: It'll be easier to infiltrate when it's dark.

GENJI: why didnt we just come here at night?

REYES: That would've been too obvious.

MOIRA: Did you even think this through?

REYES: Not really.  
REYES: How hard can it be?

MOIRA: Absolutely unbelievable.

GENJI: why did they put u in charge again?

REYES: Well, they didn't.  
REYES: They decided to put Jack in charge.  
REYES: Probably because they thought he'd look better for their image.  
REYES: Even though I was much more qualified and respected.

GENJI: oh great here come the vietnam flashbacks

MOIRA: Okay, now I understand.  
MOIRA: This entire operation is just a dick measuring contest between you and your lover.

REYES: I DESERVED THAT PROMOTION AND YOU KNOW IT!  
REYES: AND FOR THE LAST TIME, WE'RE NOT TOGETHER!!!

GENJI: i regret bringing this up

MOIRA: It needed to be said.

REYES: This isn't a dick measuring contest, Moira.  
REYES: Lacroix almost died.  
REYES: I'm not letting that go without retaliating.

GENJI: since when do u care about gerard?

REYES: Listen, you little shit.

MOIRA: Agreed.  
MOIRA: I wasn't sure you cared about anyone other than Morrison.

REYES: I'm just going to ignore that second comment.  
REYES: Lacroix is a friend.  
REYES: I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and let that go unanswered.

MOIRA: Does Morrison know that you're cheating on him with Lacroix?

REYES: _I should've left you back at the base._

MOIRA: Don't I wish you did.

GENJI: so ur really just gonna have us charge into a compound filled to the brim with talon guards just so we can fuck antonio up?

REYES: More or less.

GENJI: im in

MOIRA: Me too.

REYES: Good.  
REYES: What about you, kid?

GENJI: last i saw jesse was still getting over his airsickness in the hotel bathroom

MCCREE: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

GENJI: hey i tried to help

MCCREE: YOU FAILED  
MCCREE: AND I DONT EVER THINK THAT IM GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS

REYES: You'd better.  
REYES: Less than seven hours until game time.

MCCREE: I DONT THINK THATS ENOUGH TIME

MOIRA: I could always help you out.

MCCREE: STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU DEMON

MOIRA: It was just a suggestion.

REYES: How do you expect to get out of here?

GENJI: yeah really are u gonna walk back to base?  
GENJI: were gonna have to fly again

MCCREE: IM GONNA DIE

_______________________________

REYES: Time to go.

MOIRA: Are we sure everyone's ready?

MCCREE: im still a little woozy

GENJI: were ready

MCCREE: fuck you

REYES: Antonio's compound is heavily guarded.  
REYES: He has over 250 armed guards under his employ.  
REYES: With over 1,000 more that can be at his side in mere minutes.  
REYES: We're going to have to be smart about this.

GENJI: and thats where u lost me  
GENJI: smart isnt a strength of mine

MOIRA: Believe me, I know.

REYES: _**Silence.**_  
REYES: Kid, you're with me.  
REYES: Moira can clear out the west entrance.  
REYES: I'm sure Shimada can clean up the rest.

GENJI: now ur speaking my language

MCCREE: why am i the one that has to be chaperoned?

MOIRA: Have you forgotten Moscow so easily?

MCCREE: LISTEN  
MCCREE: I DIDNT SEE THAT OLD LADY IN THE PHONE BOOTH

GENJI: she cant see anymore either so i guess it balances out

MOIRA: Not at all but okay.

REYES: I'm serious, you three.  
REYES: No screwing around.  
REYES: This needs to be done with no mistakes.

MOIRA: Honestly, Reyes.  
MOIRA: When have we ever let you down?

REYES: I'd prefer not to answer that.

MCCREE: so when do i get to shoot him?

REYES: No shooting.  
REYES: We need him alive.

GENJI: wow reyes didnt think u were getting soft on us

REYES: Enough.  
REYES: It's go time.

MOIRA: Ready when you are.

REYES: I'm never ready when I'm with you people.

________________________________

MCCREE: WHAT THE MCFUCK  
MCCREE: NO SHOOTING  
MCCREE: WE NEED HIM ALIVE  
MCCREE: DO THESE WORDS MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU

REYES: Plan B.

GENJI: what was plan a?

MCCREE: WE WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE HIM ALIVE DAMMIT  
MCCREE: THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID REYES

REYES: Things change.  
REYES: We need to plan accordingly.

MOIRA: This is certainly an interesting development.

MCCREE: NOW THE ENTIRE FUCKING COMPOUND IS ON ALERT  
MCCREE: GREAT FUCKING JOB REYES YOU SCHMUCK

REYES: Watch your mouth.  
REYES: Five de-merits for you.

MCCREE: HOW MANY DE-MERITS IS IT FOR KILLING A HOSTAGE?

REYES: Zero.

MCCREE: I CANT BELIEVE THIS

GENJI: jesse i know how badly u wanted to kill him

MCCREE: THATS NOT THE POINT  
MCCREE: THE MISSION WAS TO BRING HIM IN ALIVE  
MCCREE: NOT SHOOT HIM IN COLD BLOOD AND RAISE HELL

REYES: It can't be helped anymore.  
REYES: We need to get out of here.

MCCREE: HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO DO THAT WITH ALL THESE TALON AGENTS AROUND?

REYES: Kill them.  
REYES: That's what we're all best at anyway.

MOIRA: Clearly some more than others.

REYES: We don't have time for this.  
REYES: We need to go.

MCCREE: THAT WOULDVE BEEN SO MUCH EASIER IF WE STAYED IN STEALTH

REYES: Can't change the past.

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: get ready jesse  
GENJI: airship will be here in ten minutes

MCCREE: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER

_________________________________

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [MY SHORTS ARE TOO TIGHT]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [MY SHORTS ARE TOO TIGHT]**

MORRISON: WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU?

REYES: It needed to be done.

MORRISON: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO START GOING BACK ON MY ORDERS, GABE.  
MORRISON: THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

REYES: Technically, I didn't do anything wrong.

ANA: U shot antonio  
ANA: Not that i wouldnt have done the same  
ANA: But u werent allowed to do that

REYES: Can you prove that I did that?

MORRISON: YES ACTUALLY  
MORRISON: WHY DO YOU THINK I BROUGHT JESSE IN HERE?

REYES: Moral support?

MORRISON: NO!  
MORRISON: DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

REYES: Killed an asshole who no one liked to begin with?

ANA: Well technically yes

MORRISON: _ANA..._

ANA: ...  
ANA: But also no

MORRISON: YOU'VE JUST LEAKED BLACKWATCH'S EXISTENCE TO THE PUBLIC!  
MORRISON: NOT TO MENTION THE TURMOIL THAT TALON WILL CAUSE IN RETALIATION NOW!

LACROIX: What were you thinking, Reyes?

REYES: This was the best course of action in the long run.  
REYES: Eventually, you'll see that.

MORRISON: I'll figure out what to do with you later.  
MORRISON: Jesse, can you explain to everyone what happened?  
MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: Jesse?

REYES: Don't waste your breath, Jack.  
REYES: He's still recovering.

MCCREE: IM NOT GOING FLYING ANYMORE

ANA: Lmao this is too good

LACROIX: How long have you been airsick?  
LACROIX: We've been going on missions for years.

MCCREE: I DONT KNOW BUT I DO KNOW THAT I HATE MY LIFE

MORRISON: I'll come back to you later.  
MORRISON: But Gabe, I'm serious.  
MORRISON: The repercussions of this are going to be monumental.

REYES: It's nothing we can't handle.

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: You really don't get it, do you?

REYES: I'm standing by my actions.

MORRISON: You're too stubborn for your own good.

ANA: U both need some sensitivity training

REYES: Come by my room later, Jack.  
REYES: I'll give you all the training you need.

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: STOP I'M TRYING TO BE MAD AT YOU!

ANA: Gay

LACROIX: Gay

MCCREE: GAY  
MCCREE: *INSERT PUKING SOUND HERE*

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [MY SHORTS ARE TOO TIGHT]**

LIAO: so is it true that gabe killed the terrorist?

MORRISON: _Liao..._

LIAO: hey i wanted to know  
LIAO: im part of this team too

MORRISON: _Leave._

ANA: Yeah really liao go somewhere else

LIAO: well i would  
LIAO: but someones been the bathroom for the last half hour

LACROIX: That's Jesse.

LIAO: fucks sake jesse  
LIAO: youre not the only one on base you know

MCCREE: FUCK YOU THERES LIKE TWENTY OTHER BATHROOMS HERE

LIAO: well i wanted to use that one

ANA: I wouldnt

REYES: I would stay far away from that one.

LACROIX: At least until you give the janitors a few weeks to clean it up.

LIAO: well now what am i supposed to do?

MCCREE: HOW ABOUT USE ANOTHER BATHROOM?

LIAO: nah thats too much work

MCCREE: I FUCKING HATE YOU

MORRISON: _Stop changing the subject._  
MORRISON: _This is serious._

ANA: Nothing is serious when liao gets involved

LIAO: hey

MORRISON: _Liao._  
MORRISON: _Get out of here._

LIAO: this is a public chatroom

LACROIX: He's got a point.

MORRISON: **NOW!**

LIAO: okay geez  
LIAO: but i want a full report when this is done

MORRISON: No.

ANA: I got u liao

LIAO: knew i could count on you captain

**[LIAO] left chatroom [MY SHORTS ARE TOO TIGHT]**

MORRISON: Ana...

ANA: Chill im not telling him shit

MORRISON: Good.

LACROIX: Jack, I just got a message from the United Nations.

MCCREE: well were dead

MORRISON: What did they say?

LACROIX: They need to meet with us ASAP.  
LACROIX: I think we have our work cut out for us here.

MORRISON: Pleasant.  
MORRISON: Alright, everyone get to the Orca.

ANA: U too jesse

MCCREE: WAIT WHAT?

LACROIX: They're going to need a first hand account.

MCCREE: MY INSIDES ARE STILL ON FIRE YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME

MORRISON: I can and I will.

MCCREE: WHY CANT YOU GET GENJI OR MOIRA TO DO IT?

MORRISON: Because if the UN knew that we had Moira under our employ, they'd fire all of us.  
MORRISON: And because Genji would just tell the entire panel to go fuck themselves.

REYES: Or he'd kill them.

LACROIX: Not helping.

ANA: U heard the man jesse  
ANA: Get ur ass onboard

MCCREE: WHEN THIS IS OVER IM QUITTING

REYES: Then I guess you're going back to jail.

MCCREE: AT LEAST THEY WONT FORCE ME TO FLY IN JAIL

REYES: They will if I tell them to.

MCCREE: THIS IS WHY THEY PUT MORRISON IN CHARGE

REYES: I guess you're right.

MORRISON: _Let's go_.

MCCREE: IM NOT GONNA SURVIVE

ANA: Promise?

MCCREE: I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just take a moment to point out how much I love the expanding surplus of chatfics appearing on this site over the last few weeks? Chatfics make the world go round.


	41. dance dance revolution

GENJI: SOMBRA PLS MAKE IT STOP

SOMBRA: nah

MCCREE: what the fuck is happening?

SOMBRA: i got bored

WINSTON: That's rarely a good thing.

REAPER: **It's never a good thing.**

ZENYATTA: Sombra has hacked Genji's body and is making him dance the Macarena.  
ZENYATTA: Bastion and Orisa have also fallen victim to her antics.

LUCIO: lol i need to see this

GENJI: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE  
GENJI: IF ANY VIDEOS END UP ON THE INTERNET I WILL FUCKING END U

LUCIO: im not scared of you

HANZO: Why does this conversation sound so familiar?

ANA: Hanzos having a deja vu moment

REINHARDT: Hopefully he doesn't kill Genji this time around.

HANZO: If it's necessary, I might.

GENJI: SOMBRA  
GENJI: IM BEGGING U

SOMBRA: i dont take bribes

TRACER: i saw jesse pay you ten bucks to leak jack and reyes' emails to everyone

SOMBRA: shrugs

76: That was you?

REAPER: **Of course it was, dammit.**  
REAPER: **It's always her.**

SOMBRA: thats a lie

DOOMFIST: No it isn't.

SOMBRA: oh hi akande when did you get here?

DOOMFIST: I was forced in here.  
DOOMFIST: By the same person we're talking about right now.

SOMBRA: dont act like you dont love this chatroom

DOOMFIST: I don't.

LUCIO: harsh

D.VA: yeah really weve been nice to you

DOOMFIST: I am not nice.

D.VA: obv  
D.VA: but were still trying

DOOMFIST: Please stop trying so hard.

LUCIO: no  
LUCIO: if widowmaker can be redeemed you can too

WIDOWMAKER: I wasn't aware I had already redeemed myself.

MCCREE: you redeemed yourself the second you hung all of jacks pants from the flag pole outside

76: That was you?

WIDOWMAKER: ...I don't know what you mean.

MCCREE: it was a mighty fine prank if i do say so myself

TRACER: yeah you did good!

WIDOWMAKER: Appreciate it.

TRACER: <3

WIDOWMAKER: <3

EMILY: <3

WIDOWMAKER: <3

TRACER: <3

LUCIO: stop all this gay is making my eyes hurt

WIDOWMAKER: Deal with it.

GENJI: @REAPER @DOOMFIST @WIDOWMAKER @MOIRA @HANA  
GENJI: SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE HER STOP

REAPER: **I don't know why you think she's going to listen to any of us.**

DOOMFIST: You're barking up the wrong tree, kid.

ANA: I need to see this  
ANA: Reinhardt where did u put my camera?

GENJI: ANA NO

REINHARDT: I didn't touch it.  
REINHARDT: It should still be in the closet.

GENJI: IM NOT KIDDING IF U TAKE PHOTOS OR VIDEOS IM GOING TO GUT U

ANA: Thats always been my lifes dream

WINSTON: To be gutted?

ANA: I watch too many saw movies winston

76: Clearly.

REAPER: **I still remember what you did to that possum.**

ANA: IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE WHAT DID U WANT ME TO DO?

REINHARDT: There were many things you could have done.

MCCREE: you couldve just left it alone and let it live out its life

TRACER: you couldve gone over and pet it!

MERCY: No you couldn't.

REINHARDT: Yeah, they bite.

PHARAH: You think my mother cares?  
PHARAH: She'd bite it back.

MERCY: Then she probably would've contracted some disease.

ANA: Indifferent

GENJI: GUYS  
GENJI: STOP DICKING AROUND AND HELP ME

MCCREE: i got better things to do

GENJI: U AND I BOTH KNOW THATS BULLSHIT

LUCIO: lmao

BRIGITTE: What's going on here?

SOMBRA: a lot  
SOMBRA: explaining it would take too much time

D.VA: oh hey youre back

BRIGITTE: Thanks for noticing.

REINHARDT: How was your date?

BRIGITTE: For the last time, it wasn't a date.

LUCIO: it was totally a date

BRIGITTE: We went out for pizza.  
BRIGITTE: How is that a date?

ANA: Its a better first date than any of us have had

MERCY: Speak for yourself.

REINHARDT: Our first date wasn't too bad.

ANA: U have a terrible memory

D.VA: wait i thought your first date was dinner in the common room  
D.VA: i remember because reinhardt destroyed the tv that night

REINHARDT: That was just dinner.  
REINHARDT: Not technically a date.  
REINHARDT: And I asked you nicely multiple times.

SOMBRA: we were trying to play a video game

REINHARDT: And I'm sure you see the error in your ways.

SOMBRA: not really

D.VA: wait so what was your first date?

MCCREE: im pretty sure i remember

ANA: Id hope so  
ANA: U were the one that was driving

REINHARDT: Oh, now I remember.  
REINHARDT: Our first date was supposed to be a movie.  
REINHARDT: Instead we spent three and a half hours at the side of the road in a rain storm because Jesse ran over a broken bottle.

MCCREE: I DIDNT SEE IT

ANA: I still havent forgiven u

MCCREE: WHO LEAVES A BROKEN BEER BOTTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD?

REINHARDT: Who's stupid enough to run it over?

MCCREE: LISTEN

LUCIO: OMG IM FUCKING DYING RN

**[attached image: genjidanceslikeadad.png]**

GENJI: THATS IT  
GENJI: UR DYING TONIGHT

LUCIO: I ALREADY AM LMFAO!!!

D.VA: IM PISSING MYSELF

TRACER: THATS SO FUNNY!!

76: I thought you were joking...

ZENYATTA: I don't joke about such things, Commander Morrison.

76: Please stop calling me that.

ZENYATTA: I will consider it.

76: I guess that's better than nothing.

DOOMFIST: This still isn't as bad as what she did during Bring your Child to Work Day.

REAPER: _**DON'T...**_

D.VA: wait what?

MCCREE: yall actually participate in that shit?

DOOMFIST: We're a normal work place just like everywhere else.

76: Normal work places don't kill innocent civilians or blow up landmarks.

DOOMFIST: Nor do they blow up their own Headquarters.

LUCIO: boom roasted

ANA: U walked urself into that one jack

76: Fuck.

MERCY: Do any of you even have kids?

MOIRA: We don't.  
MOIRA: But we're not the only ones that work in Talon.

D.VA: couldve fooled me  
D.VA: youre the only ones who join the chat

DOOMFIST: Once again, against our will.

D.VA: potato potatoe

LUCIO: hana quiet i wanna hear this story

DOOMFIST: I'm not one for telling stories.

MCCREE: just do it

DOOMFIST: ...Fine.  
DOOMFIST: We train our operatives with robots.  
DOOMFIST: Somehow, Sombra managed to breach their networks and start controlling the way they moved.  
DOOMFIST: So, when one of our Directors was showing her daughter the room, Sombra, of course, programmed the robots to start humping each other.

LUCIO: OMG!!!

MOIRA: And then we had to spend ten minutes explaining the Birds and the Bees to a six year old girl.

SOMBRA: im still not sorry

DOOMFIST: We all almost got fired for that.

SOMBRA: but you didnt did you?

DOOMFIST: That's not the point.

MCCREE: that sounds like something we would do

DOOMFIST: It does.  
DOOMFIST: Which I guess explains why she feels more at home with all of you than with us.

SOMBRA: yeah thats about right

MOIRA: We're the ones who pay you.

SOMBRA: well technically i can pay myself  
SOMBRA: why do you think all those banks went out of business?

DOOMFIST: You are literally the worst kind of person.

HANZO: That's disputable.  
HANZO: None of you knew my brother during his teenage years.

GENJI: THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS

HANZO: _Takeshi is still in jail, Genji!_

GENJI: THAT WAS HIS FAULT AND U KNOW IT

HANZO: _HE'S NOT THE ONE WHO DEFLATED THE TIRES ON THE SCHOOL BUS._

GENJI: U CANT PROVE ANYTHING

BRIGITTE: Am I the only one who had a semi-normal childhood?

MCCREE: well i was orphaned and joined a gang

D.VA: same  
D.VA: besides the gang part

BRIGITTE: Pleasant.

LUCIO: you didnt answer the question btw  
LUCIO: how was the date?

BRIGITTE: Still wasn't a date.  
BRIGITTE: I bought her another pizza like I promised.

D.VA: sounds like a date to me

BRIGITTE: Two people can have dinner and not consider it a date.

MCCREE: not around here

ANA: I know what to do  
ANA: @SYMMETRA

SYMMETRA: Yes?

ANA: How was ur date?

SYMMETRA: It wasn't a date, Captain Amari.  
SYMMETRA: She bought me another pizza and that was that.

D.VA: boring

REINHARDT: They'll get over the denial soon enough.

SYMMETRA: There's no denial.

REINHARDT: Sure there's not.

GENJI: GUYS  
GENJI: I NEED HELP

ANA: Ur talking to the wrong people

76: Okay wait, I just thought of something.

REINHARDT: Yes, you sure did.  
REINHARDT: I can smell the rubber burning.

76: Fuck yourself.  
76: How is Zenyatta not affected by this?

ZENYATTA: I'm sure Sombra knows better than to try that again.

SOMBRA: im not hacking him again  
SOMBRA: not after last time

WINSTON: Did we ever figure out how that happened again?

ZENYATTA: Nothing happened.  
ZENYATTA: She just made a poor decision.

DOOMFIST: She does that often.

SOMBRA: leave me alone

GENJI: MASTER WHY ARENT U HELPING ME?

ZENYATTA: You must help yourself, Genji.  
ZENYATTA: There's nothing I can do in this situation.

GENJI: MAKE IT STOP

ZENYATTA: You must embrace the Iris, my student.

GENJI: ITS NOT WORKING

ZENYATTA: _Embrace harder._

_____________________________

LUCIO: aw man whyd you stop?

SOMBRA: i lost interest

D.VA: you said the same thing last night

MCCREE: ew stop

GENJI: FINALLY FREE  
GENJI: I CAN MOVE AGAIN

SOMBRA: idk why youre so mad everyone else liked it

GENJI: NO THEY DIDNT  
GENJI: BASTION WASNT HAVING FUN

SOMBRA: bullshit  
SOMBRA: bastion you were having fun right?

BASTION: ...  
BASTION: ╭∩╮( ͡° ل͟ ͡° )╭∩╮

MCCREE: thats a negative

LUCIO: lmao im choking

SOMBRA: wow okay

76: Are you done?

SOMBRA: for the moment

DOOMFIST: It won't last long.

MOIRA: Not at all.

HANZO: Brother, you dishonor our family.

GENJI: old news

ANA: He may dishonor u but at least hes got 3 million hits on youtube

GENJI: !!!  
GENJI: I SAID NO FUCKING VIDEOS

ANA: Hey dont look at me lucio took it  
ANA: U watched him take it

GENJI: TAKE IT DOWN

LUCIO: lol no  
LUCIO: if this gets anymore popular were gonna be on the ellen show

REINHARDT: That show stopped being entertaining when the original Ellen left.

LUCIO: wouldnt know

WINSTON: We have a very strict rule on not posting photos or videos of each other online.

LUCIO: whoops

GENJI: LUCIO I MEAN IT  
GENJI: TAKE THE SHIT DOWN

LUCIO: you cant make me

GENJI: ...

HANZO: Lucio, this is the final warning.

LUCIO: nope

GENJI: _Ryuujin no ken wo kurae!!!_

76: _GENJI, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!_

_____________________________

GENJI: it has been deleted

LUCIO: my arms

GENJI: pain is temporary

LUCIO: help

GENJI: theres not much i can do for u in this situation

LUCIO: call an ambulance

GENJI: embrace the iris and all will heal

LUCIO: i dont know what that means

GENJI: _embrace it bitch_

____________________________

MERCY: I don't get paid enough for this.

MCCREE: we dont get paid enough in general

D.VA: wait we get paid?

WINSTON: Why are you all this way?

GENJI: i gave him a fair warning

HANZO: Multiple fair warnings, honestly.  
HANZO: Genji gave him a chance.

SYMMETRA: None of you heed warnings anyway.

BRIGITTE: Is he going to die?

GENJI: god i hope so

MERCY: He'll be fine.  
MERCY: I think.

REINHARDT: That's not reassuring.

MERCY: I'm handling it.

76: Why did I answer the recall?

ANA: Bc u love us

76: I do not.  
76: At all.

PHARAH: Why does this happen almost daily?

MCCREE: dont even ask  
MCCREE: no one knows the answer anymore

MOIRA: I still don't understand how you manage to beat Talon.

TRACER: beating talon is the only thing we do right!

DOOMFIST: Clearly.  
DOOMFIST: You all seem to make a living out of injuring your own teammates.

GENJI: shit happens

DOOMFIST: @WIDOWMAKER  
DOOMFIST: You really left us for this?

WIDOWMAKER: It seemed like a good idea at the time.  
WIDOWMAKER: It's mildly entertaining.

D.VA: mildly?

GENJI: i guess that means were just gonna have to try harder

WINSTON: Please don't.

REAPER: **You're not going to stop him.**  
REAPER: **You know that.**

WINSTON: The recall was a mistake.

D.VA: you misspelled great idea

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: I regret ever leaving the moon.

76: I regret surviving the Swiss Explosion.

LUCIO: i regret uploading that video

GENJI: the pain helps u learn

HANZO: None of you ever learn.

GENJI: true tho

SOMBRA: hey genji i still have a copy of the video  
SOMBRA: im uploading it to every holoscreen in the world

GENJI: SOMBRA I SWEAR TO SHIT

SOMBRA: youre going to be a star genji

GENJI: DONT FUCKING DARE

SOMBRA: boop

GENJI: DFTHGLBDLNBNSHUHSAGNCXVJNFGHFDHFG

MERCY: _GENJI, I CAN ONLY HELP ONE PERSON AT A TIME._

DOOMFIST: You all really are ridiculous.

MCCREE: and dont you ever forget it

DOOMFIST: I don't know how I could.

SOMBRA: GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT STUPID SWORD

GENJI: IM GOING TO CUT U

SOMBRA: I WOULDNT TRY IT  
SOMBRA: ILL MAKE YOU START DANCING THE COTTON EYE JOE NEXT

GENJI: ILL FUCKING KILL U

SOMBRA: _BOOP BITCH_


	42. PSA: dont let jesse and genji play videogames

76: I'm going to fucking strangle you.

LUCIO: thats hot

76:  _Shut up._

WINSTON: What in the world are you doing?

LUCIO: im doing nothing

D.VA: yeah its genji  
D.VA: for like the 12th time this week

GENJI: 10th  
GENJI: and fuck u

WINSTON: I reiterate.  
WINSTON: What are you doing?

MCCREE: he keeps sneaking into jacks room   
MCCREE: i think hes trying to annex it from jack

76:  _Get out._

GENJI: no i dont have a room anymore

76:  _Who's fault is that?_

GENJI: well if u wanna get technical  
GENJI: its jesses

MCCREE: you started it

GENJI: that i did  
GENJI: but i didnt destroy anything

MCCREE: i didnt either  
MCCREE: junkrat did

ANA: Shocker

JUNKRAT: HEY MATE YOU TOLD ME TO

GENJI: i know  
GENJI: but now i kinda regret it because my necks starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch every night

MERCY: You said it was comfortable.

GENJI: it was  
GENJI: it stopped being comfortable after lucio froze the cushions

LUCIO: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

WINSTON:  _You_ were an accident.

D.VA: FUCKING OUCH

TRACER: OMG!!!!

LUCIO: OKAY RIP ME

MCCREE: wow thats a roast  
MCCREE: that might be the best roast of all time  
MCCREE: and also fuck you

ANA: If it came from winston it has to be  
ANA: He hasnt roasted anyone since we were in ontario

REAPER:  **QUIET!**

GENJI: that one was really good

REINHARDT: I've never seen Winston that upset before.

REAPER:  **I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS AGAIN!**

D.VA: wait what happened?

REAPER:  **NOTHING!**

LUCIO: it doesnt sound like nothing

REAPER:  **I WILL END YOU!**

LUCIO: end me daddy

ANA:  _STOP!_

D.VA: lol why?  
D.VA: daddy culture is funny

REINHARDT: Ana hates daddy culture.

TRACER: ana hates everything!

ANA: See lena knows

76:  _Genji, get the fuck out of my room!_

GENJI: fuck off jack i need a place to sleep

76: You had a place to sleep...

GENJI: which disappeared mysteriously

D.VA: no mystery there everyone knows what happened

76:  _Get out._

GENJI: why tho just let me rest for like half an hour

76: No!

WINSTON: Genji, Torbjorn's still working on repairing your room.

GENJI: its been like three months wtf is taking him so long?

WINSTON: He's a busy man, you know.

MCCREE: how do you repair nothing?

LUCIO: yeah isnt his room practically a crater?

WINSTON: Torbjorn's very good at his job.

GENJI: apparently not good enough to have it done by now

ANA: Okay wait   
ANA: Out of every room on base  
ANA: Why are u picking jacks?

GENJI: well he always leaves his door open

76: So?

GENJI:

 

REINHARDT: YES!!!

D.VA: BOO OLD MEME

REINHARDT: OLD MEMES ARE SUPERIOR TO ALL!  
REINHARDT: YOU ARE WRONG IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE!

MCCREE: god fucking dammit

76: JUST BECAUSE MY DOOR IS OPEN DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN JUST COME ON IN!

GENJI: an open door is usually the most inviting thing you can have

76: It's not open for you.

MCCREE: yeah its open for gabe

ANA: Gabe doesnt need the door open he can just slide through the cracks with that stupid misty power he has

REAPER:  **STOP CALLING ME THAT!**

ANA: Is that not ur name?

REAPER:  **Gabriel Reyes is dead.**

D.VA: drop it ffs  
D.VA: now its just getting annoying

REAPER:  **I WILL DESTROY YOU!**

LUCIO: bring it bitch  
LUCIO: no one heres afraid of you

REAPER:  **I have the backing of Talon.  
** REAPER:  **You can't stop me.**

DOOMFIST: No you don't.

TRACER: lol

MOIRA: We're not involved in this.

REAPER:  **...  
** REAPER:  **YOU HAVE TO HELP!**  
REAPER: **IT'S YOUR JOB!**

DOOMFIST: Disagree.  
DOOMFIST: My job is whatever I want it to be.

MOIRA: Likewise.

REAPER:  **I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!**

MOIRA: Same.

**[REAPER] left chatroom [I'LL EAT YOUR ASS FOR A FRUIT ROLL UP]**

 

LUCIO: OMG THAT FUCKING CHAT NAME IM DECEASED

WINSTON: What even is Overwatch?

MERCY: No one knows anymore.

MCCREE: i thought youd like that one

76: Can we stop changing the damn chat name?

MCCREE: how about no?

76: How about fuck you?

MCCREE: only if reyes is okay with it

76: ...

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [I'LL EAT YOUR ASS FOR A FRUIT ROLL UP]**

 

GENJI: two down

D.VA: too many to go

DOOMFIST: I would leave on my own.  
DOOMFIST: But I can't.

MOIRA: Same.  
MOIRA: Even though I'm slowly warming up to this chat.

LUCIO: we told you

D.VA: it was only a matter of time

MOIRA: I do it begrudgingly, might I add.

TRACER: its all the same to us luv!

DOOMFIST: I find it hard to believe that Widowmaker, of all people, is the one who defected to this mess.

GENJI: mess is a strong word

WIDOWMAKER: Things happen, Akande.

DOOMFIST: Clearly.  
DOOMFIST: Although I still don't completely understand your reasoning behind.

WIDOWMAKER: You're not supposed to.  
WIDOWMAKER: It was a decision I made.

DOOMFIST: Time will tell if it was the correct one or not.

MCCREE: @GENJI  
MCCREE: I FOUND THE PAC MAN MACHINE

GENJI: OMG NO U FUCKING DID NOT

MCCREE: I DID  
MCCREE: ROADHOGS HELPING ME MOVE IT BACK TO THE COMMON ROOM

GENJI: BOI  
GENJI: LETS FUCKING GO

MCCREE: IM GOING FIRST

GENJI: BUT I WANTED TO...

MCCREE: I FOUND IT

GENJI: FINE

D.VA: pac man?  
D.VA: are you guys like 90?

MCCREE: FUCK YOU

GENJI: U DONT UNDERSTAND

REINHARDT: PAC MAN IS A MASTERPIECE!  
REINHARDT: I'M JOINING BY THE WAY!

GENJI: LEAVE THE HAMMER IN YOUR ROOM

REINHARDT: ...FINE!

MERCY: This is a very bad idea.

WINSTON: I hid that machine...

ANA: Clearly u didnt hide it well enough

LUCIO: what the fuck is pac man?

TRACER: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW PAC MAN?

LUCIO: because i wasnt born in the the 2000s?

REINHARDT: YOU'RE MISSING OUT!

LUCIO: i think ill live

MCCREE: DONT BE TOO SURE

MERCY: This isn't going to end well.

WINSTON: Tell me something I don't know.

D.VA: junkrat took your blowtorch

WINSTON:  _JAMISON..._

JUNKRAT: IM PUTTING IT BACK I SWEAR

MCCREE: HERE WE GO  
MCCREE: GET THE FUCKING COINS

 

___________________________

 

MCCREE: HOW THE FUCK DID GERARD GET A SCORE THAT HIGH?

GENJI: HAVE U SEEN HIM PLAY?  
GENJI: HE WOULD PUT HANA TO SHAME

D.VA: doubt it

MCCREE: REINHARDT YOU MISSED A DOT

REINHARDT: DON'T START WITH ME!

GENJI: WATCH THAT GHOST!

REINHARDT: STOP BEING A BACK SEAT GAMER!

GENJI: BLOW ME

MCCREE: GET THE FUCKING CHERRY

REINHARDT: I KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME, JESSE!

MCCREE: SURE AS HELL DONT SEEM LIKE IT

GENJI: HOW THE FUCK DID U LET THAT HIT U?

REINHARDT: MY HAND SLIPPED OFF THE JOYSTICK!

MCCREE: YOU FUCKING SUCK  
MCCREE: MY TURN

GENJI: NO IM GOING NEXT FUCK U

ANA:  _Its been nine hours why are u still fucking playing that game?_

 ___________________________

 

GENJI: BULLSHIT

MCCREE: MY TURN  
MCCREE: WATCH AND LEARN 

 ___________________________

 

GENJI: U DIED ON THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL

MCCREE: YOU BUMPED MY ARM  
MCCREE: IT MESSED ME UP

GENJI: A LIKELY STORY

REINHARDT: MOVE OVER.  
REINHARDT: IT'S MY TURN AGAIN!

MCCREE: NO I GET ANOTHER GO GENJI SCREWED ME UP

GENJI: LIKE FUCKING HELL YOU DO

MCCREE: DONT FUCKING TOUCH IT

REINHARDT: DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE!

MCCREE: I SWEAR TO FUCK

GENJI: GIVE IT

MCCREE:  _STEP RIGHT UP_

 ___________________________

 

76: What  
76: the fuck  
76: is wrong with the three of you?

MCCREE: IT WAS STILL MY TURN

GENJI: NO IT WASNT

WINSTON:  _I hid that machine for a reason..._

D.VA: ive seen people get angry at games before but this is ridiculous

LUCIO: what did that wall do to you?

REINHARDT: I WAS TRYING TO HIT JESSE!

BRIGITTE: What is going on?

TRACER: same old stuff really!

BRIGITTE: ...Reinhardt broke something again?

ANA: More or less

LUCIO: how the fuck is the watchpoint still standing?

76: No one really knows anymore.

MERCY: Our architects did a good job.

BRIGITTE: I thought my father was exaggerating the stories of all that went on here.

ANA: He was not

BRIGITTE: Clearly.  
BRIGITTE: I didn't expect Reinhardt to be at the center of it all, though.

WINSTON: Then you give him too much credit.

REINHARDT: Ouch.

TRACER: i guess we need to hide that machine again!

MCCREE: nope  
MCCREE: reinhardt broke it

REINHARDT: IF I CAN'T PLAY, NO ONE CAN!

MERCY: Reinhardt, have some control.

REINHARDT: In that moment, it's very hard to stay centered.  
REINHARDT: Especially when you have two noobs trying to tell you how to play.

MCCREE: im not a noob

GENJI: U DIED ON THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL

MCCREE: IT WAS YOUR FAULT

MERCY:  ** _ENOUGH._**

D.VA: uh oh

MCCREE: ...im sorry

GENJI: me too

REINHARDT: I apologize as well.

MERCY: I accept the apology.  
MERCY: But, the three of you will be helping Torbjorn rebuild whatever you broke.

MCCREE: fine

GENJI: i guess its expected of us

REINHARDT: I am a man of honor.  
REINHARDT: Of course I will help.

MERCY: Thank you.

LUCIO: wow maybe mercy should be in charge

MERCY: I'd rather not.

ANA: It has nothing to do with her being in charge

76: We all just know better not to piss her off.

GENJI: yeah we all still remember what happened to jeff

MCCREE: fuck jeff  
MCCREE: piece of shit

REINHARDT: Even so.  
REINHARDT: That was a traumatizing experience.

LUCIO: wait whos jeff?

WINSTON: It's better that you don't know.

D.VA: when are you going to start telling us these stories?

ANA: Ur never going to be prepared for them

LUCIO: why doesnt any of this stuff happen now?

REINHARDT: Overwatch was a different organization back then.  
REINHARDT: And you should be very thankful for that.

LUCIO: idk how to feel

76: Good.

MERCY: Alright you three.  
MERCY: Get fixing.

 ___________________________ 

MCCREE: i hate this shit

GENJI: thats what u get for trying to cheat

MCCREE: fuck you

REINHARDT: Which one of you put this painting up?

MCCREE: i did

REINHARDT: Could it be any more off-center?

MCCREE: if you want it to be

REINHARDT: First, you died on level one and now this?  
REINHARDT: Can you do anything right?

MCCREE: FUCK YOU

GENJI: U SUCK AT EXISTING

MCCREE: AT LEAST I STILL HAVE A BED

REINHARDT: LEVEL  
REINHARDT: ONE!

MCCREE: IM GOING TO FUCKING HURT ALL OF YOU

REINHARDT: DO IT!

GENJI: IM MADE OUT OF METAL ANYWAY

MERCY:  _I swear to God._


	43. everyone gets a new codename

MCCREE: THATS NOT WHAT I WANTED TO DO

GENJI: U ARE AN ABSOLUTE EMBARRASSMENT

MCCREE: FUCK YOU  
MCCREE: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IVE EVER PLAYED THIS

REINHARDT: CLEARLY!

MCCREE: IM TRYING HERE

D.VA: TRY HARDER  
D.VA: YOU SUCK

76: What the fuck are you doing now?

GENJI: HANA INTRODUCED US TO FORTNITE

76: Do you have any idea how old Fortnite is?

D.VA: not nearly as old as pacman

76: They've long since worn out their popularity.

D.VA: fortnite will always be popular

REINHARDT: As will Pac Man!

WINSTON: I thought I just said the three of you were not allowed to play video games anymore.

MCCREE: you mightve honestly  
MCCREE: i wasnt listening

MERCY: Shocking.

HANZO: Why must you all be so difficult?  
HANZO: Do you have any idea how much easier everything is when you follow the rules?

GENJI: being a suck up isnt fun

HANZO: It's not called being a suck up.  
HANZO: It's called not being a shitty employee.

GENJI: hey were not shitty  
GENJI: were just professionally challenged

HANZO: That...  
HANZO: Actually isn't a terrible way to put it.

MCCREE: see now were making progress

76: I wouldn't go that far.

WINSTON: If you break anything this time...

MCCREE: relax  
MCCREE: roadhog and satya are watching us

SYMMETRA: Begrudgingly, might I add.

ROADHOG: i had nothing better to do  
ROADHOG: and plus ziegler asked me to keep an eye on them

LUCIO: since when are you mercys bitch?

ROADHOG: since i saw what she did to junkrat  
ROADHOG: three times

LUCIO: okay fair

ROADHOG: dont let my looks fool you  
ROADHOG: im actually decently smart

D.VA: well standing next to junkrat who isnt?

JUNKRAT: HEY

GENJI: honestly roadhogs just here as the muscle  
GENJI: satyas the one were all afraid of

WIDOWMAKER: That's probably the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say.

GENJI: ive seen what she can do  
GENJI: i still have nightmares over the mission in stockholm

76: _NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!_

SYMMETRA: In my defense, jumping out at someone from behind a corner usually isn't a smart idea.

76: _I TOLD YOU I WAS COMING FROM THAT DIRECTION!_

SYMMETRA: You scared me.

WIDOWMAKER: She does scare somewhat easily.

MCCREE: and you know this how?

WIDOWMAKER: Satya and I have become good friends.

REAPER: **You're not supposed to be friends.**

WIDOWMAKER: If you held any power here, I would maybe consider what you said.

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY YOU!**

D.VA: thats like the fifth time you said that  
D.VA: were still waiting loser

REAPER: **If Talon wasn't on strike, I would have assaulted your compound by now.**

ANA: And u would have been beaten badly

REAPER: _**Shut up.**_

LUCIO: wait talons on strike?

DOOMFIST: More or less.

SOMBRA: gabe ate my cheese puffs

REAPER: **THOSE WERE FOR EVERYONE!**

SOMBRA: no they werent i bought them

REAPER: **FOR EVERYONE!**

SOMBRA: THEY WERE MINE

MOIRA: Talon's entire plan has been derailed by a bowl of cheese puffs.

GENJI: U think thats bad?  
GENJI: U shouldve seen what happened when jack drank the last pepsi

76: _I swear to fuck._

D.VA: you guys are bad people

ANA: Thats why theyre the perfect couple

76: _WE'RE_  
76: _NOT_  
76: _TOGETHER!_

REINHARDT: The denial is just getting annoying now.  
REINHARDT: Admit it already.

REAPER: **NO!**

GENJI: FUCK

MCCREE: THE PUMP SHOTGUN IS SUCH BULLSHIT OMG

REINHARDT: THIS GAME HAS BEEN OUT FOR FIFTY YEARS AND STILL HASN'T FIXED IT!

D.VA: YOU ALL SUCK ITS MY TURN

WINSTON: I mean it.  
WINSTON: Don't break anything else!

ROADHOG: they wont  
ROADHOG: trust me

SYMMETRA: The only thing that might break is them.

MERCY: Please make sure they don't break too badly.

ROADHOG: sure doc  
ROADHOG: i dont want to have to hurt them anyway

LUCIO: roadhog is not someone that id think would be a nice guy

ROADHOG: looks can be deceiving

LUCIO: i can see that

D.VA: SHIT

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GAME

MCCREE: I SWEAR TO GOD THAT GUYS CHEATING

REINHARDT: YOU'RE ALL JUST BAD AT VIDEO GAMES.

D.VA: FUCKING FIGHT ME GRANDPA

REINHARDT: I WILL.  
REINHARDT: I STILL WANT MY REMATCH IN MORTAL KOMBAT!

D.VA: ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT!

76: This is only going to go so well.

HANZO: Is it too late for me to quit?

WINSTON: Please don't.  
WINSTON: If you leave, I might lose my mind.  
WINSTON: You're the only one who listens.

JUNKRAT: HEY MATE I LISTEN

WIDOWMAKER: Biggest lie ever.

JUNKRAT: I JUST LIKE TO DO THINGS MY OWN WAY SOMETIMES

WINSTON: Your way is blatantly destructive.

JUNKRAT: IM FROM THE OUTBACK MATE WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

WINSTON: The absolute worse.  
WINSTON: And you still find ways to surprise me.

MCCREE: FUCK  
MCCREE: SECOND PLACE  
MCCREE: I MISSED THE HEADSHOT

GENJI: WERE GETTING CLOSER  
GENJI: THATS THE BEST FINISH WEVE HAD ALL DAY

REINHARDT: ME NEXT!

_____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

SOMBRA: youre diabolical

HANA: i try

SOMBRA: where did you get that idea from?

HANA: i saw it online  
HANA: i know youre the only one who can make it happen so thats why i asked you

SOMBRA: im always happy to help you <3

HANA: this is going to be so funny

SOMBRA: everything you do is funny

HANA: <3

SOMBRA: <3

_____________________

MCCOWBOY: WHAT IS HAPPENING?

ONE-EYED WILLY: This had to be sombra  
ONE-EYED WILLY: OH COME ON THATS NOT COOL

D.VA: OMG IM DYING

CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: WHY???  
CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: I CANT HANDLE THIS!!

PIGMAN: i dont mind this that much

ANGEL MOM: Well, your name hasn't changed much so I guess I understand that.

ROCKET MOM: I'm strangely okay with this.

FIST ME HARDER: I'm not.  
FIST ME HARDER: Why did this have to happen to me?

SOMBRA: cause

EDGELORD: **STOP CALLING ME THIS, PLEASE!**

HAMMER DADDY: I DON'T EVER WANT THIS TO CHANGE!  
HAMMER DADDY: THANK YOU SOMBRA!

SOMBRA: you bet

OLD MAN JENKINS: For fuck's sake.  
OLD MAN JENKINS: I'M NOT EVEN THAT OLD!

D.VA: still one of the oldest ones here

HANDSOAP: Is this really the best you could think of?

SOMBRA: we seriously couldnt think of anything that sounded funny  
SOMBRA: we just went with something that sounded like your name

HANDSOAP: I guess this could be worse.

**[SOVIET RUSSIA] entered chatroom [PETITION TO HAVE MCCREE FIRED BREATHE TO SIGN]**

**[JACK FROST] entered chatroom [PETITION TO HAVE MCCREE FIRED BREATHE TO SIGN]**

SOVIET RUSSIA: I am good with this name change.

JACK FROST: I...  
JACK FROST: I guess this is okay.  
JACK FROST: Even though I wish we could've avoided this.

SOMBRA: it was bound to happen sooner or later

JACK FROST: This is why I usually don't join the chat.

SOMBRA: i guess i need to try harder then

JACK FROST: Please don't.

DROP THE BEAT: wait how come hana doesnt get a name change?

SOMBRA: i dont think i can really change it to anything better  
SOMBRA: her name is who she is

D.VA: plus this was my idea

SOMBRA: it was

MCCOWBOY: i want my name changed

SOMBRA: take a number

ANGEL MOM: I don't know, a lot of these are really creative.

HAMMER DADDY: MY DREAMS HAVE BEEN REALIZED!

ONE-EYED WILLY: THIS ISNT FUNNY  
ONE-EYED WILLY: I DONT DESERVE THIS

SPIDER LADY: Alas, that one is my fault.

ONE-EYED WILLY: U BET UR ASS IT IS  
ONE-EYED WILLY: DO U HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO SEE WITH ONE EYE?

SPIDER LADY: Probably very.

DROP THE BEAT: lmao im choking on my drink

EMBRACE MY BALLS: This certainly is interesting.

DROP THE BEAT: DEAD

D.VA: OMG THATS THE BEST ONE

CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: WHY HAVE U DONE THIS TO MASTER HES A NICE GUY

SOMBRA: SPARE NO ONE!

EMBRACE MY BALLS: Perhaps I don't understand the humor.  
EMBRACE MY BALLS: But I'm glad to see everyone having a good time!

PUPPY BOT: ヽ(•‿•)ノ

DROP THE BEAT: OMG YOU EVEN GOT BASTION

SOMBRA: spare no one  
SOMBRA: its the motto

MCCOWBOY: i get the feeling that bastion doesnt even care

PUPPY BOT: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

SPIDER LADY: That seems like a no.

REALLY DUMB RAT: I FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED

SOMBRA: that was the idea

REALLY DUMB RAT: WHY DO YOU ALL HATE ME?

PIGMAN: you make it really easy

REALLY DUMB RAT: COME ON MATE IM A FUN PERSON

PIGMAN: incorrect

BRIDGE IT: Is that the best you got?

SOMBRA: more or less

BRIDGE IT: I kinda like it honestly.  
BRIDGE IT: It's just my name spelled differently.

SOMBRA: at least someone appreciates it

MCCOWBOY: did we lose jack?

OLD MAN JENKINS: I'm trying not to talk in the chat.  
OLD MAN JENKINS: I don't like seeing that name come up.

DROP THE BEAT: wimp

OLD MAN JENKINS: Fuck you.

BOTTLE ROCKET: Why is this the name you chose for me?

SOMBRA: do you really not remember?

BOTTLE ROCKET: Remember what?

FIST ME HARDER: I guess she doesn't.

EDGELORD: **I don't know how she could.**  
EDGELORD: **I'm pretty sure she got amnesia from that.**

BOTTLE ROCKET: From what?

SOMBRA: the talon new years party

DROP THE BEAT: talon has new years parties?

FIST ME HARDER: Had.  
FIST ME HARDER: We had one.  
FIST ME HARDER: And this incident caused parties to be banned.

D.VA: i didnt think you guys actually had fun over there

FIST ME HARDER: Organizations like ours often don't have time for fun.

DROP THE BEAT: fair

SOMBRA: basically everyone was supposed to launch bottle rockets in the air when the ball dropped but we all accidentally misfired and they all hit moira in the face

DROP THE BEAT: OMG!!!

ANGEL MOM: Sounds like the best party ever.

BOTTLE ROCKET: I really don't remember this.

EDGELORD: **I wouldn't expect you to.**  
EDGELORD: **You were unconscious for three days.**

BOTTLE ROCKET: Why do these things always happen to me?

SOMBRA: the universe doesnt seem to like you very much

SPEED RACER: okay i like this!

DROP THE BEAT: lena?

SPEED RACER: yup!

MCCOWBOY: where the hell have you been?

SPEED RACER: oh  
SPEED RACER: you know

RANDOM CIVILIAN: Hello Everyone!

CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: it all makes sense now

HAMMER DADDY: I take it that's Emily?

RANDOM CIVILIAN: Correct!  
RANDOM CIVILIAN: And what on earth is going on here?

OLD MAN JENKINS: It's better that you don't know.

RANDOM CIVILIAN: I think I need to.  
RANDOM CIVILIAN: Unless you all got new codenames without me knowing.

MCCOWBOY: blame sombra

ONE-EYED WILLY: And hana

SOMBRA: shit happens

ANGEL MOM: It happens too much around here.

SOMBRA: deal with it

JACK FROST: Are we missing anyone?

CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: winston and satya i think  
CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: and torb who doesnt join the chat anyway

PROFESSOR BANANA MAN: I've been here the whole time.  
PROFESSOR BANANA MAN: I was just too ashamed to say anything.

DROP THE BEAT: DYING

D.VA: IM PISSING MYSELF

PROFESSOR BANANA MAN: I'm not even a man, Sombra.

SOMBRA: eh it fits best

OLD MAN JENKINS: Can we stop this please?

SOMBRA: i dont really feel like it

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY: Just why?

SOMBRA: your weapon is like a beam thing

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY: I get it.  
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY: But just why?

SOMBRA: boredom  
SOMBRA: peer pressure  
SOMBRA: a couple of things

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY: Can you stop?

SOMBRA: i will eventually  
SOMBRA: but not now  
SOMBRA: im enjoying this for the most part

EDGELORD: **None of us are.**

D.VA: wrong

PROFESSOR BANANA MAN: Sombra, please.  
PROFESSOR BANANA MAN: I'm asking you nicely.

SOMBRA: im gonna change it back eventually  
SOMBRA: just not now  
SOMBRA: its funny

MCCOWBOY: how long is eventually

SOMBRA: three  
SOMBRA: maybe four

FIST ME HARDER: Four what?

SOMBRA: four

HAMMER DADDY: Please don't change mine.  
HAMMER DADDY: This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

HANDSOAP: You must not have led a very interesting life then.

HAMMER DADDY: It depends on who you ask.

MCCOWBOY: I WON  
MCCOWBOY: I FUCKING WON

CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: BULLSHIT  
CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: HE SNIPED YOU

MCCOWBOY: NO HE DIDNT I WON

D.VA: HOW THOUGH?  
D.VA: YOURE SO BAD!

MCCOWBOY: CLEARLY IM BETTER THAN YOU

D.VA: WANNA BET?

MCCOWBOY: BRING IT

PIGMAN: both of you stop

D.VA: NO  
D.VA: HE INSULTED ME

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY: If you two don't stop right this second...

MCCOWBOY: PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN

D.VA: NERF THIS SHIT BITCH

PIGMAN: im warning you

ANGEL MOM: I swear I'm having a deja vu moment right now.

PROFESSOR BANANA MAN: As long as nothing breaks, I don't care.

MCCOWBOY: _ITS HIGH NOON_

PIGMAN: THATS IT

D.VA: NO PLEASE

CYBORG MCCYBORGFACE: U see what u do sombra?

SOMBRA: nothing about this is my fault

HAMMER TIME: Debatable.


	44. lost and found but still kinda lost

D.VA: hey has anybody seen my gun?

76: You lost your gun?

MCCREE: that aint a gun thats a pea shooter

D.VA: a pea shooter thatll wreck your shit so fuck off

GENJI: how the fuck did u lose it?

D.VA: details arent important

WINSTON: The details are actually very important.

76: _We have a mission in half an hour..._

D.VA: and if youd stop complaining and help me look well still be on time

LUCIO: were still going on missions?

76: It's kind of our job.

GENJI: no it isnt

MCCREE: yeah the petras act says were illegal

DOOMFIST: That doesn't seem to have deterred you.

MCCREE: just because were illegal doesnt mean were gonna stop

GENJI: yeah jesse and i have too much pride

HANZO: Too much pride.  
HANZO: Not enough shame.

D.VA: thats not true

LUCIO: it kinda is

D.VA: we have shame

HANZO: You do not.

GENJI: u and sombra have literally posted sex tapes online and ur trying to convince us that u have shame?

D.VA: i was dared

76: That was not a fucking dare.

D.VA: i took it as one

ANA: Yeah jack this is ur fault

REINHARDT: Everything is Jack's fault.

76: Name two things.

MCCREE: only two?

GENJI: yeah we could probably name at least nine

LUCIO: lets see  
LUCIO: the toaster in the cafeteria

D.VA: my computer

MCCREE: the dinner table

GENJI: the other dinner table

REINHARDT: Alexei's leg.

76: I HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

ANA: Thats not what the incident report said

MERCY: Please don't remind me about this.  
MERCY: I don't know how I was able to repair that.

76: _THAT WAS HIS FAULT!_

ANA: Is that what u tell urself?

WINSTON: I seem to remember placing him under your watch.

76: I'm a Strike Commander.  
76: Not a fucking babysitter.

PHARAH: Incorrect.

MCCREE: yeah you babysat fareeha

76: It wasn't my choice.  
76: It was forced upon me.

ANA: And u did a wonderful job

PHARAH: If you discard the part where he left me at the Gas Station.

76: _Listen..._

MCCREE: that wasnt cool  
MCCREE: i had to go pick her up

LUCIO: lmao why is this the first time im hearing about this???

PHARAH: It traumatized me.

ANA: Believe it or not kids jack has always been a bad person

LUCIO: i believe it

76: Why am I being personally attacked right now?

TRACER: it was overdue!

76: I disagree.  
76: There's 20 other people in this chat.  
76: Why can't you go after them?

LUCIO: well lets count the reasons why  
LUCIO: ana and reinhardt are immune because theyll roast us really bad

REINHARDT: Very true.

LUCIO: winston wouldnt even fight back so thats no fun  
LUCIO: i know better than to go after satya hanzo or widowmaker because im pretty sure theyll cut me in my sleep and let me bleed out

HANZO: It wouldn't even be that nice.

WIDOWMAKER: We'd cut you, pour vinegar on the cuts, and then let you bleed out.

D.VA: wow okay

LUCIO: exactly my point  
LUCIO: doomfist is exempt

SOMBRA: why?

LUCIO: i like doomfist

DOOMFIST: Thanks?

LUCIO: lena mccree and genji dont get offended anyway even though we still try

GENJI: especially on jesse

MCCREE: hey

LUCIO: bastion and zen dont even do anything wrong to warrant a roast  
LUCIO: i cant bring myself to be mean to emily

EMILY: :)

LUCIO: moira is very easy to make fun of

MOIRA: I really don't deserve this.

MERCY: You do.

LUCIO: junkrats a fucking idiot anyway and he probably likes all the shit we say about him

JUNKRAT: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT MATE

LUCIO: and torb mei and zarya hardly join anyway so whats the point?

MERCY: I notice you said nothing about me.

LUCIO: ive learned from previous experiences

MERCY: You are certainly wise beyond your years.

MCCREE: dont compliment him

GENJI: yeah seriously his head is too big as it is

LUCIO: eat me

D.VA: uh btw  
D.VA: still cant find my gun

WINSTON: What are we going to do with you?

D.VA: i dont think theres anything you can do at this point  
D.VA: sitting back and doing nothing is probably the best idea

MERCY: You need to be more responsible.

D.VA: yeah yeah yeah whatever

76: We're not getting you a new one.

D.VA: why not???

76: That was a prototype.  
76: It's too expensive to buy and the materials are too rare to build yourself.

LUCIO: rip

MCCREE: fucking die

D.VA: so what am i supposed to do when im fighting?

REINHARDT:

LUCIO: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

ANA: FUCK U I HAD THAT ONE SAVED

REINHARDT: You snooze you lose.

ANA: FUCK U

EMILY: Does she really need a gun anymore though?  
EMILY: What dangers could you possibly run into at this point?

REAPER: **We're still active you know.**

EMILY: Could've fooled me.  
EMILY: I haven't heard anything about Talon except for the constant ass kickings they get.

REAPER: **Listen you little shit.**

TRACER: OI WATCH IT!  
TRACER: ILL FUCK YOU UP LUV!

REAPER: **Try me.**  
REAPER: **I can just phase through it anyway.**

SOMBRA: not if i hack you

REAPER: **How the hell does that even work?**

SOMBRA: unknown ask again later

WIDOWMAKER: Stay away from her, Edgelord.

REAPER: **STOP CALLING ME THAT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!**

WIDOWMAKER: _Non._

LUCIO: oh yeah reaper gets harrassed too  
LUCIO: hard

76: Just how he likes it.

MCCREE: ew stop

REINHARDT: I could've gone my entire life without hearing that.

GENJI: IM FUCKING DEAD

HANZO: If only you stayed that way.

GENJI: WOW

LUCIO: FUCKING ROASTED

GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: I NEED HEALING  
GENJI: REALLY BAD

MERCY: Get in line.  
MERCY: Your not the only one with problems right now.

MCCREE: why who fucked up now?

ROADHOG: ill give you three guesses

D.VA: what the fuck did he do this time?

ROADHOG: he set the rose bushes on fire

MCCREE: and hes still breathing?

LUCIO: yeah i thought bastion wouldve killed him

BASTION: (ಠ_ಠ)

ROADHOG: he almost did  
ROADHOG: i dont know how he survived

JUNKRAT: IVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH WORSE MATE

D.VA: how much worse can it even get?

SOMBRA: i could show you all the photos he took on the computer in the conference room

JUNKRAT: WAIT I DELETED THOSE

SOMBRA: it doesnt matter  
SOMBRA: idk if you remember who i am

JUNKRAT: WAIT NO

GENJI: i dont know i dont care i dont wanna see

SOMBRA: it was just a suggestion

D.VA: hey babe i forgot to ask  
D.VA: can you see my gun on the cameras?

MCCREE: oh yeah i forgot that this actually had a serious topic at one point

SOMBRA: ill look hang on  
SOMBRA: oh  
SOMBRA: i see it

76: I swear to God.

D.VA: where?

SOMBRA: uh  
SOMBRA: its probably best that you dont know

D.VA: well i kinda need to know  
D.VA: apparently im not allowed to get a new one

76: You're not getting anything else.  
76: Not after what you did to the Rocket.

D.VA: I DIDNT KNOW

76: _LEARN!_

LUCIO: ok seriously tho wheres her gun?

SOMBRA: i think she can find it on her own

D.VA: clearly not  
D.VA: ive been searching for it for the last two hours

DOOMFIST: The incompetence in this organization is alarming.

LUCIO: old news

D.VA: srsly where?

SOMBRA: babe  
SOMBRA: youre kidding?

D.VA: do i sound like im kidding?

SOMBRA: im praying that you are

D.VA: i dont know where it is

SOMBRA: ...

______________________________

76: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE ABSOLUTELY SHITTING ME!

D.VA: I DIDNT NOTICE!

MCCREE: WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

D.VA: FUCKING FIGHT ME N00B

REINHARDT: Yes, we actually just witnessed that.

DOOMFIST: What happened?

GENJI: u dont wanna know

MOIRA: Well, now we have to know.  
MOIRA: You can't keep us in suspense like that.

LUCIO: I CANT BELIEVE THIS JUST HAPPENED

DOOMFIST: ?

REAPER: **Un-fucking-real.**

MOIRA: _What???_

PHARAH: I would like to know as well.

WIDOWMAKER: Me too.

HANZO: I don't but I know you're going to tell me anyway.

WINSTON: I have no words.

MOIRA: _EXPLAIN ME A THING!_

MCCREE: GUYS  
MCCREE: HER GUN  
MCCREE: WAS IN HER FUCKING HOLSTER

PHARAH: _STOP!_

MOIRA: _YOU LIE!_

MCCREE: I FUCKING WISH I WAS KIDDING

DOOMFIST: I don't believe that someone's actually that stupid.

SOMBRA: leave my girlfriend alone

DOOMFIST: Come on, Sombra.  
DOOMFIST: You know how ridiculous this is.

SOMBRA: i know  
SOMBRA: goddammit hana i love you but youre such a fucking idiot sometimes

D.VA: I  
D.VA: DIDNT  
D.VA: NOTICE

LUCIO: how tho?  
LUCIO: its on your belt

D.VA: I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE!

**[D.VA] left chatroom [I LIKE TRAINS]**

76: Unbelievable.

MCCREE: she aint never gonna hear the end of this

GENJI: my last remaining brain cell just killed itself out of shock that someone alive is actually that stupid

DOOMFIST: How do you manage to function with the way you all are?

LUCIO: it takes skill

DOOMFIST: It certainly takes something.

HANZO: The combined IQ of this base must be hovering around the below average mark.

WIDOWMAKER: I think it's far past that.

ANA: I dont even know anymore  
ANA: This is almost as bad as jesses answer during trivia night

MCCREE: ANA I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

ANA: DR SEUSS DIDNT WRITE THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO U FUCKING MISTAKE

MCCREE: I DIDNT GO TO SCHOOL

ANA: CLEARLY

LUCIO: LMAO WHAT??????????????

MCCREE: SHUT THE FUCK UP

**[MCCREE] left chatroom [I LIKE TRAINS]**

GENJI: and another one bites the dust

REAPER: **All of you need to bite the dust already.**

LUCIO: unlikely

TRACER: even if we were all dead wed still beat talon!

REAPER: **...**

**[REAPER] left chatroom [I LIKE TRAINS]**

DOOMFIST: I don't know how he dealt with any of you at any point.

REINHARDT: Neither do we.

ANA: He loves us

DOOMFIST: That's not what I hear.

ANA: Trust me on this

DOOMFIST: I don't see why I shouldn't.  
DOOMFIST: You've been pretty spot on with this stuff so far.

ANA: I know what im talking about

DOOMFIST: I know.


	45. an experiment gone horribly wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as an FYI, I rarely laugh when I'm writing these chapters. But in the process of making this one, I was cracking up. I'd like to consider this chapter one of my finer works. Hopefully you guys like it!

LUCIO: what just happened?

MCCREE: its better that you dont know

LUCIO: but i wanna know

76: I'm going to jump off a fucking bridge.

GENJI: dont do it jack

MCCREE: yeah let me push you instead

76: ...  
76: I don't know why I haven't left Overwatch yet.

TRACER: prob because if you did we would just send amelie after you!

76: That doesn't scare me.

WIDOWMAKER: Lying is not one of your strong suits, Morrison.

76: Don't even fucking start with me.

ANA: What the fuck happened to the deck?

MCCREE: once again  
MCCREE: its better that you dont know

ANA: Come on jesse  
ANA: Even liao wasnt this bad

REINHARDT: That's a lie.

MERCY: That's a huge lie.

MCCREE: yeah hold on a second

REINHARDT: Have you forgotten what he did to the Washington Monument?

GENJI: WAIT THAT WAS HIM?

MERCY: Yes.

GENJI: WTF?  
GENJI: I THOUGHT THE OMNICS CAUSED THAT

WINSTON: That's just what we told the media.  
WINSTON: It wouldn't reflect well on us if the public knew that one of our members was responsible for that.

GENJI: IM SHOOK AF

MCCREE: welcome to the club

**[ZARYA] entered chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

ZARYA: Who must die first?

GENJI: hana

D.VA: hey fuck you

MCCREE: my votes on genji

GENJI: jokes on u  
GENJI: i already died once

ZARYA: I can make it happen again.

GENJI: pls no

WINSTON: Is everything okay, Zarya?

ZARYA: It was.  
ZARYA: Until troublemakers came by and hid weights.

MCCREE: @LUCIO

LUCIO: JESSE NO

ZARYA: Why must you do this?  
ZARYA: Have you not learned from last time?

LUCIO: i still cant even remember the last time so yes

MEI: I warned you.

LUCIO: that doesnt give you permission to freeze me for eleven days

MEI: Winston approved it.

WINSTON: I'm not admitting to anything.

LUCIO: WOW

D.VA: so does this mean that lucios gonna die?

ZARYA: Depends.  
ZARYA: If he returns weights, I shall spare him.

LUCIO: ...okay ill get them

ZARYA: Smart.

REINHARDT: This certainly is a milestone indeed.  
REINHARDT: One of them actually did something constructive.

MCCREE: thats only because zarya will literally kill him otherwise

ANA: I think we would be better off

D.VA: rekted

LUCIO: ouch

GENJI: @ANGELA  
GENJI: he needs healing

MERCY: I'm off duty.

MCCREE: is that even allowed?

MERCY: It is when I say it is.

TRACER: that doesnt seem entirely fair

MERCY: Life's not fair.  
MERCY: Get used to it.

LUCIO: FUCK

MCCREE: YOU FUCKING IDIOT

LUCIO: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

MCCREE: THERES A FUCKING SIGN!!!  
MCCREE: DO NOT ENTER!  
MCCREE: AREA UNDER CONSTRUCTION!!!  
MCCREE: WHY YOU NO READ???

LUCIO: I WAS TAKING A SHORT CUT

MCCREE: WAS IT WORTH IT?

LUCIO: IM STILL ALIVE SO NO NOT REALLY

76: What the actual fuck is wrong with all of you?

TRACER: the list gets bigger every day!

WINSTON: Unbelievable.

_________________________________

**[SOMBRA] opened chatroom [TALON GROUP CHAT]**

**[SOMBRA] changed chatroom name to [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

**[SOMBRA] added [REAPER] and [DOOMFIST] to chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

REAPER: **WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??????**  
REAPER: **WAS THE OVERWATCH CHAT NOT BAD ENOUGH????**

SOMBRA: hey i like their chat

DOOMFIST: For what reason are you putting me through this?  
DOOMFIST: _Again!_  
DOOMFIST: ...  
DOOMFIST: Also, how do I sign this petition?

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

SOMBRA: yeah akande knows whats up

DOOMFIST: Why are we missing half of Talon?

SOMBRA: everyone who really matters is here already

DOOMFIST: Not at all but okay.

SOMBRA: fine

**[SOMBRA] added [WIDOWMAKER] to chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

DOOMFIST: That's not at all what I meant.

WIDOWMAKER: What is this?

DOOMFIST: Don't even ask.  
DOOMFIST: Just leave while you can.

SOMBRA: dont because ill just bring you back

WIDOWMAKER: I'm not even in Talon anymore.

SOMBRA: i still consider you family

WIDOWMAKER: Thank you?  
WIDOWMAKER: I think?

REAPER: **Leave.**

WIDOWMAKER: I will do no such thing.  
WIDOWMAKER: I would like to sign this petition as well.

REAPER: **WHY ARE YOU ALL THE WAY YOU ARE?**

DOOMFIST: It comes with the job.

REAPER: **NO IT DOESN'T!**

DOOMFIST: We're still missing someone, Sombra.

SOMBRA: UGH FINE

**[SOMBRA] added [MOIRA O'DEORAIN] to chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

MOIRA: ...You aren't serious.

SOMBRA: afraid so

MOIRA: Sombra...  
MOIRA: Why?

SOMBRA: i wanted to start one  
SOMBRA: why should overwatch have all the fun?

REAPER: **Let them have their fun.**  
REAPER: **The distraction helps us beat them.**

DOOMFIST: We have literally never beaten them in any situation.

REAPER: **WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?**

DOOMFIST: None.  
DOOMFIST: I am on my own side.

SOMBRA: how does that even work?

DOOMFIST: With precision.

MOIRA: I would've preferred to have been left out of this.

SOMBRA: well i was going to leave you out  
SOMBRA: but akande demanded that i put you in so i did

MOIRA: Akande, why would you do this to me?

DOOMFIST: If I have to suffer, you most certainly have to suffer with me.

MOIRA: I don't see why I'm the scapegoat here.

DOOMFIST: Because you're the only other semi-useful member.

SOMBRA: hey

REAPER: **Are you serious?**

DOOMFIST: Completely.  
DOOMFIST: Widowmaker isn't even a Talon agent anymore.

WIDOWMAKER: And yet I've still been forced in here.

DOOMFIST: And no one takes you seriously anyway, Reaper.

REAPER: **That's not true.**

SOMBRA: its very true

DOOMFIST: And Sombra's just Sombra.

SOMBRA: what is that supposed to mean?

DOOMFIST: Whatever you want it to.

WIDOWMAKER: I really don't think this is a good idea.

MOIRA: It's not.  
MOIRA: Although I will be more than happy to sign that petition.

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!**

SOMBRA: fight me bitch

**[FRANK] entered chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

DOOMFIST: ?

REAPER: **...What?**

FRANK: What the hell is this?

SOMBRA: what the fuck does it look like?

FRANK: A chatroom?

SOMBRA: great observation

FRANK: Who the hell even are you people?

MOIRA: Believe it or not, I was about to ask you that exact same question.

FRANK: I'm Frank.

WIDOWMAKER: Obviously.

DOOMFIST: We can read, believe it or not.

FRANK: Just making sure.

REAPER: **How did you get in here?**

FRANK: ...  
FRANK: What's with the bold text?

SOMBRA: its just the way he is  
SOMBRA: its kind of a power trip  
SOMBRA: you get used to it after a while

REAPER: _ **SOMBRA...**_

SOMBRA: blow me gabe

DOOMFIST: Seriously, how did you get in here?

FRANK: Fuck if I know.  
FRANK: I got an invite from whoever the hell Sombra is.

SOMBRA: you did?

REAPER: **You sent a civilian an invite to our chatroom?**

SOMBRA: hey overwatch has civilians in their chat!

REAPER: **They have one!**  
REAPER: **And they're inferior because of it!**

FRANK: That's not what I've heard.

REAPER: **FRANK, I WILL REMOVE YOUR GUTS WITH MY BARE HANDS!**

WIDOWMAKER: What is happening right now?

DOOMFIST: It's just an ordinary night in CrazyTown.

MOIRA: Why was this necessary again?

SOMBRA: idk it seemed like a good idea at the time

DOOMFIST: Are any of your ideas even any good in hindsight?

SOMBRA: not really no  
SOMBRA: too bad i dont see in hindsight

DOOMFIST: Yes, that would save us all quite a bit of grief.

FRANK: So, do you guys want to get some drinks or something?

WIDOWMAKER: We don't even know you.

FRANK: We can change that.

REAPER: **You're not even supposed to be here.**

FRANK: I was invited.

REAPER: **Accidentally.**

FRANK: An accidental invite is still an invite.

MOIRA: He's got a point, Gabe.

REAPER: **STOP CALLING ME THAT!**

WIDOWMAKER: It will never stop.  
WIDOWMAKER: Get used to it.

REAPER: **I DON'T WANT TO!**

MOIRA: Hey, I know what'll make this better.

FRANK: A burger?

MOIRA: Quiet Frank.

WIDOWMAKER: Why haven't you left yet?

FRANK: I don't have a lot of friends...

MOIRA: ...  
MOIRA: Moving on.

DOOMFIST: There is nothing that will make this better.

MOIRA: 

REAPER: **NO!!!**

SOMBRA: oh boy this again

WIDOWMAKER: Stop.

MOIRA:

DOOMFIST: Please don't.

WIDOWMAKER:

MOIRA: 

WIDOWMAKER: 

SOMBRA: OMG I LOVE THIS

DOOMFIST: This needs to stop before it begins.

SOMBRA: forget it  
SOMBRA: its at the point of no return

MOIRA: 

WIDOWMAKER: 

SOMBRA: IM FUCKING CRYING

DOOMFIST: Why are the two of you like this?

MOIRA: Once again, I've always been like this.  
MOIRA: I just know how to hide it.

WIDOWMAKER: 

REAPER: **SINCE WHEN DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MEME?**

WIDOWMAKER: Being in a relationship with two memers has caused the ability to rub off on me.

DOOMFIST: I wouldn't call it an ability.  
DOOMFIST: A curse maybe.

WIDOWMAKER: To each their own.

MOIRA: [Click me Bitch I dare you](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

SOMBRA: THATS IT THIS CHATS CANCELLED

WIDOWMAKER: 

SOMBRA: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU

WIDOWMAKER: Unlikely.

DOOMFIST: How did we get here?  
DOOMFIST: We were having a harmless meme war.

REAPER: **This happens all the time.**

SOMBRA: THIS WAS A MISERABLE EXPERIMENT

DOOMFIST: I could have told you that before you even attempted it.

SOMBRA: YOU RUINED IT MOIRA

MOIRA: That was the plan.

SOMBRA: GET OUT ALL OF YOU

**[MOIRA O'DEORAIN] has been removed from chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] has been removed from chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

**[DOOMFIST] left chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

REAPER: **Are you proud of yourself?**

SOMBRA: NOT ANYMORE  
SOMBRA: GET OUT

FRANK: Hey, can I sign that petition?

REAPER: **FUCK YOU FRANK!**  
REAPER: **I WILL BE HUNTING YOU DOWN AND KILLING YOU!**

**[REAPER] left chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

SOMBRA: well frank this has been fun

FRANK: It's been something.

SOMBRA: keep in touch

FRANK: I don't even know who you are.

SOMBRA: glad to hear it

**[FRANK] has been removed from chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

**[SOMBRA] has closed chatroom [PETITION TO GET GABE FIRED]**

_________________________________

LUCIO: i said i was sorry

ZARYA: And you are forgiven.

LUCIO: i cant feel my face

ZARYA: Welcome to Russia.

MCCREE: at least they didnt freeze you this time

MEI: I can still do that if need be.

ZARYA: It is fine.

GENJI: rip lucio

MCCREE: die

**[WIDOWMAKER] entered chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

**[MOIRA O'DEORAIN] entered chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

**[DOOMFIST] entered chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

D.VA: where the hell have all of you been?

MOIRA: It's better that you don't know.

DOOMFIST: It really is.

WIDOWMAKER: What happened here?

ANA: Lucio got maimed  
ANA: Same old same old

WIDOWMAKER: What did he do this time?

LUCIO: id rather not talk about it

TRACER: he hid zaryas weights!  
TRACER: and then fell down the stairs and almost broke snowball

MEI: And the rest is classified.

WINSTON: You're all going to give me an ulcer.

REINHARDT: I'm surprised we haven't already.

WINSTON: Me too.

MOIRA: @SOMBRA  
MOIRA: Isn't one chat much better?

SOMBRA: i guess

MCCREE: what now?

SOMBRA: dont worry about it

GENJI: well now im worried about it

REAPER: **It's not important.**

D.VA: if you insist

LUCIO: @MERCY  
LUCIO: pls help me

MERCY: Still off-duty.

LUCIO: its not supposed to work like that

MERCY: Once again.  
MERCY: I make the rules.

LUCIO: @ZARYA  
LUCIO: just end me already

ZARYA: Be careful what you wish for.

DOOMFIST: Do you ever not hurt each other?

MCCREE: there was one time  
MCCREE: angela and winston got fed up with dealing with friendly fire on base  
MCCREE: so they came up with a solution  
MCCREE: it involved bubble wrap

GENJI: _NO_

ANA: _DONT EVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN_

MCCREE: i was just saying

REINHARDT: Say less.  
REINHARDT: You'll live longer.

MCCREE: debatable

WIDOWMAKER: Not if I have anything to say about.

MCCREE: i thought we were friends

WIDOWMAKER: You are a terrible judge of how other people feel about you.

MCCREE: i thought you couldnt feel anyway

WIDOWMAKER: I can feel that I strongly dislike you.

D.VA: burn

MCCREE: welp i guess ill just go off myself now

ANA: Please do

GENJI: u will not be missed

MCCREE: im sure  
MCCREE: but if im gone how will you ever figure out what happened to your stuffed panda?

GENJI: _JESSE U FUCKING DIDNT_

MCCREE: you may never know

GENJI: _I SPENT TWO YEARS LOOKING FOR BUBBA AND COULDNT FIND HIM_

MCCREE: and you will never know where he went  
MCCREE: _ **spoiler alert it was stuffed animal heaven**_

GENJI: _U DIDNT_

MCCREE: _THAT WAS MY FAVORITE SWEATSHIRT GENJI_

GENJI: _ILL FUCKING KILL U_

76: _IF YOU DON'T STOP..._

GENJI: _UR GONNA GET GOT COWBOY_

MCCREE: _BRING IT MEGA MAN_

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [GUYS I NEED MY INHALER IT'S NOT FUNNY]**

DOOMFIST: Well.

WINSTON: I don't even care anymore.

ANA: Hey maybe well get lucky and theyll just kill each other

MERCY: Ana...

ANA: Im kidding chill

REINHARDT: Maybe this time they'll learn from their mistakes.

REAPER: **That will never happen in a million years.**

WIDOWMAKER: Probably even longer.

ANA: U recruited these kids gabe

REAPER: **Stop reminding me of my failures.**

D.VA: lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm giving Blizzard a call and I'm demanding that Frank gets added to the game in one way or another. This will be my new chore.


	46. date night goes horribly wrong

BRIGITTE: Has anyone seen my shoes?

MCCREE: i could probably give you a good guess

JUNKRAT: NO I DIDNT DO IT THIS TIME MATE

MCCREE: _lies_

WINSTON: Why can we never keep things where they belong?

76: Probably because we have Genji and Hana around.

GENJI: listen here jack  
GENJI: i dont do anything without being provoked first

MEI: Literally the biggest lie ever.

MERCY: Genji, I saw what you did to that teenager.

GENJI: HE LOOKED AT ME FUNNY

D.VA: prob because youre a robot

GENJI: cyborg  
GENJI: and fuck u

BRIGITTE: Yes well, this is certainly a very enlightening conversation.  
BRIGITTE: But I would just like to know where my shoes are.

JUNKRAT: SHOES ARE OVERRATED

BRIGITTE: Just because you're a pyromaniac with low standards of hygiene doesn't mean the rest of us have to stoop to your level.

JUNKRAT: IDK WHAT PYROMANIAC MEANS BUT IM OFFENDED

WINSTON: ...

ANA: Oh the irony

REINHARDT: No irony here.  
REINHARDT: Just confusion.

MCCREE: he wasnt hired for his brains

D.VA: he shouldnt have been hired at all

JUNKRAT: RUDE

MCCREE: if he doesnt have them then i really dont know who does

ZENYATTA: Nobody took your shoes, Brigitte.  
ZENYATTA: Bastion insisted on cleaning the shoe closet, so I helped him move them all to the library.

GENJI: this base has a library?

76: You've been a part of this team for ten years...

GENJI: then it should come as no suprise to u that i had no idea there was a library here

D.VA: this base is so big how would you ever know?

WINSTON: I gave out floor plan guides _specifically_ for this reason.

JUNKRAT: OH THATS WHAT THAT WAS?  
JUNKRAT: I JUST USED IT AS TOILET PAPER

MERCY: I don't really know why I'm surprised.

MCCREE: im not  
MCCREE: after what he did with the dictionaries im never going to be surprised again

JUNKRAT: LISTEN MATE I WAS EXPERIMENTING

ANA: Use this as advice to never experiment again

BRIGITTE: Well, this has been fun, but I think I'm going to grab my shoes and leave now.

WINSTON: Take me with you.

BRIGITTE: Sorry, I only have two tickets.

LUCIO: wait tickets for what?

BRIGITTE: The roller rink.

REINHARDT: Roller rinks still exist?

BRIGITTE: Yes actually.  
BRIGITTE: And that's where I'm going.

GENJI: why?

BRIGITTE: Satya wanted to go.

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BRIGITTE: No, stop.

REINHARDT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LUCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ZENYATTA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: Oh come on, Zenyatta.  
76: Why?

ZENYATTA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MCCREE: why are you all this way?

GENJI: dont hate just appreciate

MCCREE: nope i hate  
MCCREE: a lot

LUCIO: so are you and satya official now?

BRIGITTE: We're not dating.

ANA: U sound like jack and gabe

76: _Not the time._

BRIGITTE: Why is it not possible for two teammates to hang out and not be dating?

GENJI: oh no it is  
GENJI: but we know better

BRIGITTE: Clearly not.

TRACER: come on you two are so cute!

BRIGITTE: We're not dating.

ANA: Denial isnt a good look for u

BRIGITTE: We're just friends.

GENJI: sure

LUCIO: just like jack and gabe

D.VA: or mercy and pharah

PHARAH: Leave me out of this.

REAPER: **Seconded.**

BRIGITTE: ...  
BRIGITTE: I don't need this.

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] left chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

DOOMFIST: What the fuck?

D.VA: oh hahahahaha i forgot to change that back

MOIRA: Why did you change it in the first place?

D.VA: cause

MOIRA: Wonderful answer.

GENJI: so theyre going out right?

MCCREE: oh yeah

LUCIO: why is overwatch so gay?

TRACER: its a requirement!  
TRACER: didnt you read the handbook?

MCCREE: who reads the handbook?

REAPER: **Hey, I spent a lot of time on those!**

GENJI: which is exactly why we dont read it

MERCY: Some of you really should start reading it.  
MERCY: It may help you in the long run.

LUCIO: nah

D.VA: hey so im gonna go spy on brigitte and satya during their date

76: Why?

D.VA: because im deeply troubled and enjoy causing problems

76: That...  
76: I guess I actually can't argue with that.

MCCREE: wow hana you actually shut him up

REINHARDT: You should be rewarded.

76: Fuck all of you.

D.VA: okay so whos coming with me?

MCCREE: do you actually think i would join you in interrupting an innocent date?

D.VA: 100%

MCCREE: you know me far too well

WINSTON: I'm going to have to advise against doing that.  
WINSTON: If you get caught, I'm not even sure which one of them would hurt you more.

GENJI: satya

LUCIO: yeah no def satya

HANZO: I've gotten to know both of them rather well.  
HANZO: Satya's the one you should be afraid of.

D.VA: i fear nobody

SOMBRA: except for freddy krueger

D.VA: YOU PROMISED TO KEEP THAT A SECRET!

SOMBRA: <3

76: Freddy Krueger?

TRACER: hes not even real!

D.VA: THATS WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO THINK

GENJI: hes not real

HANZO: You should talk.  
HANZO: I still remember how frightened you were by E.T.

GENJI: I WAS FOUR

HANZO: That's not an excuse.  
HANZO: You refused to sleep without a night light until you were 16.

LUCIO: lmao

MCCREE: genji

TRACER: et was so cute!

GENJI: NO HE WASNT

D.VA: and you call me the baby

GENJI: FUCK U

D.VA: okay i dont have time for this  
D.VA: jesse are you coming or what?

MCCREE: guess i aint got much choice now do i?

D.VA: you dont  
D.VA: meet me in the common room in five minutes

WINSTON: Once again  
WINSTON: Although I know it'll fall on deaf ears.  
WINSTON: I highly advise against this.

D.VA: yeah yeah i get it  
D.VA: but im not a good listener

ANA: Understatement of the year

D.VA: leave me alone

REINHARDT: What flowers would you like at your funeral?

D.VA: dead ones

LUCIO: mood tho

D.VA: alright wish us luck

HANZO: I will not.

GENJI: when u die im taking ur room

D.VA: good thing i dont plan on dying  
D.VA: not yet anyway

ZENYATTA: Best of luck to you, Miss Song.

D.VA: yay thanks zen

ZENYATTA: I'm indifferent about what happens to Mr. McCree, however.

MCCREE: wow okay

LUCIO: DEAD

TRACER: you had that coming!

MCCREE: i dont think so but okay

D.VA: jesse move it

MCCREE: hold your horses kid im coming

76: Don't.

MCCREE: too late

WINSTON: I'm not giving you a proper burial.

MCCREE: always figured id go out fighting

GENJI: going out fighting just means that u lost

MCCREE: fuck you

HANZO: The two of you are going to die.  
HANZO: And I really can't say that I pity either one of you.

D.VA: lmao bring it

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

**[D.VA] left chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

GENJI: well since i have some downtime now  
GENJI: im gonna see if i can find the library

76: You should be training.

GENJI: i should be doing a lot of things  
GENJI: but now im going to find the library

WINSTON: Genji, please.

GENJI: DOING IT

__________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

LUCIO: YOURE NOT FUCKING SERIOUS

GENJI: LISTEN

LUCIO: YOU SERIOUSLY JUST NOTICED THAT?

GENJI: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

LUCIO: YOU FUCKING IDIOT  
LUCIO: IM GONNA GO FIND THE LIBRARY  
LUCIO: OH WAIT ITS LITERALLY RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING HALL FROM MY ROOM  
LUCIO: HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE ENOUGH BRAIN POWER TO BREATHE?

GENJI: I TECHNICALLY DONT  
GENJI: IM A CYBORG  
GENJI: I HAVE TECHNOLOGY BREATHE FOR ME

LUCIO: TOO BAD IT CANT THINK FOR YOU TOO

GENJI: FUCK U

___________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: i havent seen hide or hair of them all day

HANA: they have to be here  
HANA: its the only roller rink around

JESSE: roller rinks are so cliche  
JESSE: why cant they be gay at a diner or a movie theater somewhere?

HANA: why dont you ask when we find them?

JESSE: the goal here is not to be seen so ill pass

HANA: im getting another soda

JESSE: cool get me another coffee

HANA: who drinks coffee at nine at night?

JESSE: the same person who was part of a gang and was a mercenary for sleazy businessmen who were afraid to get their hands dirty  
JESSE: get me more coffee

HANA: well guess i cant argue with that

JESSE: im glad that we could come to this understanding  
JESSE: shit is that them?

HANA: where?

JESSE: near the back  
JESSE: by the safety sign

HANA: i think so  
HANA: brigitte took her armor off so i cant tell

JESSE: if this goes right for her thats not the only thing shell be taking off

HANA: why must you make this weird?

JESSE: hey im just saying

HANA: i wish you would say less

JESSE: keep dreaming cupcake  
JESSE: talking is the only other thing i do well

HANA: what else do you do well other than being a fuck up?

JESSE: first of all  
JESSE: rude  
JESSE: second of all  
JESSE: im still the best shot on base

HANA: okay you got me there  
HANA: i actually give you props because i cant hit shit

JESSE: well im flattered

HANA: dont get used to it  
HANA: making fun of you is a lot more fun  
HANA: but i give credit wheres its due

JESSE: why did i agree to come here with you again?

HANA: because you and i both know you have nothing better to do

JESSE: i  
JESSE: i guess i cant argue against that

HANA: good  
HANA: fuck where did they go?

JESSE: you lost them?

HANA: this is what happens when you distract me with pointless texts

JESSE: you couldve stopped texting at any time

HANA: i have terrible self control

JESSE: I SEE THEM  
JESSE: SNACK BAR  
JESSE: SATYAS LAUGHING AND ITS WEIRD

HANA: satya can be happy?  
HANA: shes always had a permanent bitch face on

JESSE: hey shes nice sometimes  
JESSE: just very serious

HANA: too serious  
HANA: except for right now apparently

JESSE: I THINK THEY JUST KISSED  
JESSE: ALJGLBHWEHGBKEGH

HANA: FUCK I CANT SEE THEM  
HANA: IM GONNA TRY AND GET CLOSER

JESSE: BE CAREFUL  
JESSE: IF THEY SEE YOU IM LEAVING YOU BEHIND

HANA: YOU WOULDNT DARE

JESSE: BETTER YOU THAN ME

HANA: _**OMG THAT FAT KID JUST FELL IM CRYING**_

JESSE: I SAW THAT TOO  
JESSE: I ALMOST CHOKED ON MY DRINK

HANA: I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

JESSE: they def just kissed again

HANA: its not a date she says  
HANA: were just friends she says

JESSE: im taking a picture to add to my blackmail collection

HANA: you actually have a blackmail collection?

JESSE: idk why you think im joking about this  
JESSE: i have blackmail to use against everyone

HANA: even me?

JESSE: especially you  
JESSE: tell me  
JESSE: did your ex ever forgive you for what you did during prom?

HANA: JESSE  
HANA: DONT FUCKING DARE

JESSE: relax  
JESSE: dont cross me and i wont have to use it

HANA: I HAVE A HACKER GIRLFRIEND  
HANA: SHE CAN END YOU

JESSE: not nearly as well as i could end her  
JESSE: trust me hana  
JESSE: dont challenge the master at his own game

HANA: please dont

JESSE: like i said  
JESSE: just dont cross me

HANA: youre evil

JESSE: so ive been told  
JESSE: fuck do you see them?

HANA: no give me a second to look around

JESSE: sure  
JESSE: ...  
JESSE: HANA THEYRE COMING TOWARDS YOU  
JESSE: RUN  
JESSE: ...  
JESSE: YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU FELL  
JESSE: THEY SAW YOU  
JESSE: WELP TIME TO SKIDADDLE  
JESSE: ILL REMEMBER YOU FONDLY  
JESSE: JUST LIKE ALL THOSE KIDS WHO SAW WHAT YOU DID AT PROM  
JESSE: AND IM GONE

__________________________

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

BRIGITTE: _WHO'S GOING TO DIE FIRST?_

GENJI: well i guess they got caught

WINSTON: I warned them.

SYMMETRA: Why can't you just let us enjoy our night?

76: The majority of us did.  
76: Unfortunately, we have two idiots who don't listen.

GENJI: more like ten idiots  
GENJI: some stupider than others

TRACER: true!

MERCY: Which one got caught?

BRIGITTE: _HANA._  
BRIGITTE: _I KNOW IT WAS YOU WITH HER, JESSE!_

LUCIO: last i saw he was catching a plane back to new mexico

REAPER: **He's wanted in New Mexico.**

ANA: Thats a better alternative compared to what satya and brigitte are gonna do to him

BRIGITTE: _JESSE, YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS BEFORE I HUNT YOU DOWN._

WINSTON: Why do they not listen?  
WINSTON: I'm trying to protect them.

MERCY: They don't know any better.  
MERCY: And honestly, I don't even think they care.

HANZO: I'm moving off the base.  
HANZO: I'm bringing Bastion and Widowmaker with me.

BASTION: :D

WIDOWMAKER: Only if Lena and Emily can come.

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: I'm just bringing Bastion with me.

ROADHOG: can i come?

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: I suppose.  
HANZO: Leave the rat.

ROADHOG: i was planning to

JUNKRAT: HEY!

WINSTON: No one's moving.  
WINSTON: Unless they take me with them.

HANZO: You're welcome to join us.

WINSTON: I'll start packing.

HANZO: Good to hear.

BRIGITTE: _THERE YOU ARE!_

MCCREE: FUCK

**[JESSE MCCREE] disconnected from chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] left chatroom [I WANT A SUGAR DADDY APPLY BELOW]**

GENJI: rip jesse

REINHARDT: I'll admit, I thought Satya was going to be the one to murder them.

SYMMETRA: Under normal circumstances, I would've.  
SYMMETRA: But, I'm in a good mood.

LUCIO: so that means the date went well?

SYMMETRA: It was...nice.  
SYMMETRA: Very fun.

ANA: At least someone enjoyed it

PHARAH: Jesse and Hana certainly won't when it's all over.

SYMMETRA: Maybe next time they'll know better.

HANZO: Unlikely.

GENJI: i notice that u didnt deny that this was a date this time

SYMMETRA: I see no point.  
SYMMETRA: Whether it was or not, it won't change your minds.

TRACER: shes not wrong

SOMBRA: uh...should i call an ambulance for jesse?

GENJI: since when do u care about jesse?

SOMBRA: i dont  
SOMBRA: but i get the feeling mercy isnt going to help him this time

MERCY: Good observation.

SOMBRA: and plus i need to find out what happened to hana

SYMMETRA: She'll live.  
SYMMETRA: Hopefully.

WINSTON: And to think.  
WINSTON: All of this could have been avoided.  
WINSTON: If they had just listened to one thing I said.

REINHARDT: At the end of the day, Winston, at least you know you were right.

WINSTON: I don't want to be right!  
WINSTON: I want to be listened to!

76: Keep dreaming.

LUCIO: yeah seriously

TRACER: is jesse going to live?

ANA: Who cares?

TRACER: right


	47. happy national prank jack day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in three days? Yay! Are you proud of me?

**9-3-20XX**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

LIAO: wow we still havent figured out who did that?

MCCREE: i mean we know who did  
MCCREE: we just cant prove it

MORRISON: I know it was Genji.

MCCREE: once again  
MCCREE: without proof you cant do anything

WINSTON: Why do you all do the things you do?

MCCREE: its just the way we are

MORRISON: Can you stop being the way you are?

LIAO: can you give me a raise?

MORRISON: No.

LIAO: well theres your answer

MORRISON: I'll fire you.

LIAO: you and i both know thats not true

MCCREE: yeah jack youre too weak for that

MORRISON: I'll fucking kill you.

LIAO: youre too weak for that too

WINSTON: Stop it, all of you.

MCCREE: ill listen just this once

WINSTON: You have no idea how gracious I am for that.

LIAO: you deserve a break every now and then winston

WINSTON: I appreciate that.  
WINSTON: Although I still wish that I stayed on the Moon.

MORRISON: I wish you would've taken me with you.

LIAO: sorry jack

MCCREE: yeah the other gorillas prob wouldve killed you

MORRISON: Death is preferable to dealing with all of you.

LIAO: harsh

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

GENJI: hey jack is ur face still green?

MORRISON: _GENJI, I WILL END YOU._

GENJI: hey it wasnt me  
GENJI: i was just curious

MORRISON: _I KNOW IT WAS YOU!_

GENJI: got proof?

MORRISON: No...

GENJI: then shut it

ANA: Come on jack  
ANA: Greens a good look on u

LIAO: itd look better if he didnt exist

MCCREE: seconded

WINSTON: I thought the two of you were going to stop.

LIAO: hey we were encouraged by ana

ANA: Im here to fuck shit up

MORRISON: You've accomplished your mission.  
MORRISON: Are you pleased with yourself?

ANA: Immensely.

LIAO: yeah go ana

MCCREE: youre an inspiration to us all captain

ANA: thank u thank u

GENJI: u didnt answer my question jack

MORRISON: _GENJI..._

MCCREE: the answer is yes

LIAO: i saw him trying to hide it with a scarf

GENJI: lol

MORRISON: It's not funny!  
MORRISON: It won't come off.

GENJI: i sure hope not  
GENJI: i used industrial paint  
GENJI: it cost like 200 bucks it better not come off

MORRISON: SO IT WAS YOU!

ANA: Or maybe it was me

MCCREE: or what if it was me

LIAO: spoiler alert it couldve been me

WINSTON: Please.

MORRISON: I HATE ALL OF YOU!

LIAO: hey cheer up jack  
LIAO: i bet reyes likes you in green

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

REYES: You are a terrible judge of what I like.

GENJI: rip

MCCREE: no

ANA: U like jack dont u?

REYES: That doesn't count.  
REYES: It's common knowledge.

GENJI: gay

MCCREE: gay

REYES: At least someone actually loves me.

MCCREE: WOW

LIAO: FUCKING REKTED LMAO

GENJI: well obviously no one loves me  
GENJI: my own brother killed me after all

REYES: ...  
REYES: I didn't mean it like that...

GENJI: yeah  
GENJI: ur jokes arent funny now huh?

WINSTON: Can we stop personally attacking each other and instead focus on the mission?

ANA: Wait u guys are on a mission?

REYES: It's only Genji and Jesse.  
REYES: Who I _specifically_ remember telling not to text during it.

MCCREE: whoops

GENJI: in my defense  
GENJI: the chat is built into my interface  
GENJI: its not like im distracted

MORRISON: I thought we agreed that Jesse and Genji can not be sent anywhere without supervision anymore?

LIAO: yeah we all remember cambodia

MCCREE: _LISTEN_

GENJI: _HOW WE WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?_

REYES: That's what the mission briefings are for!

ANA: Lol come on now we know that they dont listen to shit

REYES: And besides, they're not unsupervised.  
REYES: I sent Reinhardt out with them.

LIAO: that might be even worse

ANA: it depends on the day

WINSTON: Reinhardt is very capable.  
WINSTON: If anyone can keep those two under control, it's him.

MORRISON: That's what we all want to hope.  
MORRISON: Reinhardt has a rebellious streak of his own.

ANA: Hell be fine  
ANA: I warned him before they left

LIAO: is that why hes not in the chat?

ANA: Maybe

MORRISON: At least someone obeys orders.

MCCREE: hey genji and i listen

REYES: Sparingly.

WINSTON: Less than sparingly actually.

GENJI: wow okay

LIAO: okay wait whats the mission and why was i not invited?

REYES: Classified.  
REYES: And adding you to the mix would probably cause the universe to collapse in on itself.

MCCREE: why is this classified?  
MCCREE: were literally just going on a donut run

REYES: _CLASSIFIED!_

LIAO: bring me back a chocolate one

MCCREE: i bought like nine so i think well have enough

ANA: Wait  
ANA: Jesse and genji need supervision  
ANA: To buy fucking donuts?

REYES: Have you forgotten the late night Burger King trip?

ANA: ...  
ANA: That was them?  
ANA: The news just said it got robbed

WINSTON: Don't I wish it was that simple.

MORRISON: Nothing is simple with the two of them together.  
MORRISON: They destroy everything they touch.

LIAO: yeah i saw what they did to your ipod jack

MCCREE: LIAO NO

MORRISON: ...What are you saying?

LIAO: oh you dont know?

GENJI: LIAO I SWEAR TO FUCK ILL EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE DONUTS AND U WONT GET ANY

LIAO: nevermind i was just kidding

MORRISON: Wait, what happened to my ipod?  
MORRISON: I want to know.

LIAO: ill tell you when youre older

MORRISON: I'm at least five years older than you.

LIAO: entry denied try again later

GENJI: lol

MORRISON: ...  
MORRISON: I'm going to the gym.

ANA: Pls drop a barbell on ur head

LIAO: LOL

MORRISON: I might as well.  
MORRISON: It'd be the best thing to happen to me since I've joined this team.

WINSTON: Jack...

MORRISON: I'm joking, Winston.  
MORRISON: Although I'm not sure for how much longer.

REYES: Take me with you.

MCCREE: but were bringing donuts...

REYES: ...  
REYES: Take me with you after the donuts.

MORRISON: Gladly.

___________________________

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

MIREMBE: Gérard, calm down.

LACROIX: Oh my heavens.  
LACROIX: This is wonderful!

LIAO: is the frenchman laughing?

MERCY: He saw Jack in the gym.  
MERCY: I guess he didn't know that his face was still green.

MORRISON: Gérard, please.  
MORRISON: I'm begging you.  
MORRISON: I've been through enough.

LACROIX: You look like the Jolly Green Giant!

GENJI: minus the jolly

MCCREE: and the giant

LIAO: hes now 1/3 of a brand name

ANA: I love that this exists  
ANA: Genji great job putting the paint in the shampoo

GENJI: ur welcome

MERCY: I sure hope you haven't done anything to my shampoo.

MCCREE: not at the moment

MERCY: Not ever.

GENJI: fine

REYES: Why are you all like this?

WINSTON: That is the million dollar question.

LIAO: hey if i answer it can i have a million dollar raise?

MORRISON: At this point, I'm considering just cutting your pay off entirely.

LIAO: you cant do that

MORRISON: Try me.

LIAO: im part of a union they wont let you do that

WINSTON: We don't have a union.

MORRISON: What union?

LIAO: the union of fuck you jack suck my dick you grouchy green douche

MCCREE: oscar the grouch

MORRISON: Please don't.

GENJI: gumby

MORRISON: Stop!

ANA: jackatello the fifth ninja turtle

LIAO: OMG STOP IM GONNA PUKE

GENJI: hey im the ninja here

WINSTON: Please end this before it gets worst.

REYES: Shrek.

MORRISON: Not you too.

REYES: *Shrugs*

MCCREE: kermit the frog

MORRISON: _I'm going to fucking kill all of you._

LACROIX: You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

LIAO: THATS IT GERARD WINS OMG I CANT

GERARD: é

LIAO: DONT RUIN IT

MORRISON: Of all the people, Lacroix.  
MORRISON: You're the one I expected this from the least.

LACROIX: I nearly had a heart attack by laughing at the unfortunate green streak on your face.  
LACROIX: If anything, you owe me a joke or two.

MORRISON: I highly disagree.

LIAO: youre outnumbered

MORRISON: Fucking.

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

REINHARDT: THIS IS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING I'VE EVER WITNESSED!

MORRISON: STOP!

KIMIKO: Okay, maybe I just haven't been paying attention.  
KIMIKO: But what the fuck?

MCCREE: pure genius  
MCCREE: plain and simple

KIMIKO: I can hear Reinhardt laughing from the hangar.  
KIMIKO: What the hell did you do?

WINSTON: It's really probably better that you don't know.

KIMIKO: Winston, Reinhardt is laughing so hard that I can hear him from the other side of the fucking Watchpoint.  
KIMIKO: I need to know what's happening.

GENJI: jack dyed his face green

MORRISON: THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!

LIAO: his face is green and its the funniest fucking thing ever  
LIAO: thats why reinhardts laughing like a lunatic

KIMIKO: His face is green?

MCCREE: basically

KIMIKO: Why have you not cleaned it off, Jack?

MORRISON: I'VE BEEN TRYING!  
MORRISON: IT WON'T COME OFF!

GENJI: its industrial paint  
GENJI: its not coming off

LACROIX: This entire situation is just spectacular.

MERCY: I don't know if I'd go that far.

KIMIKO: I feel like I'm still missing a key part of this story.

GENJI: oh yeah i put the paint in his shampoo

KIMIKO: I guess that explains the chat name.

MORRISON: IT'S NOT FUNNY!

LACROIX: It's extremely funny.  
LACROIX: And I don't usually laugh like this either.

LIAO: hey maybe the next time we go on a mission we can subdue the bad guys by making them laugh at jacks face

MCCREE: theyd probably do that regardless

REYES: Wouldn't suprise me.

MORRISON: WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU EVEN ON?

REYES: Blackwatch's.

MORRISON: I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!

ANA: Sure thing beast boy

LIAO: LMAO

WINSTON: Can we stop with the name calling?

MERCY: Yeah, seriously.  
MERCY: Are you all five?

GENJI: we might be  
GENJI: would u believe us if we said that we were?

MERCY: Honestly, yes.

MIREMBE: This team used to be so organized and professional.  
MIREMBE: What happened?

WINSTON: I sure wish that I knew.

REYES: I think it all started going downhill when we recruited Liao.

LIAO: HEY  
LIAO: I WAS A FOUNDING MEMBER JUST LIKE YOU

REYES: Maybe you should act like it some day.

MERCY: Seconded.

LIAO: okay we were just roasting jack why did the conversation turn to me?

ANA: It gets boring roasting the same person over and over again

GENJI: not if that persons jack

MORRISON: Could you not?

MCCREE: better be careful genji  
MCCREE: dont make hulk angry  
MCCREE: you wont like him when hes angry

KIMIKO: Honestly, we don't like him when he's happy.

REINHARDT: We don't like him in general.

MORRISON: Why exactly do I deserve this?

LIAO: you make it really easy

MORRISON: I don't even do anything!

LIAO: point proven

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [TO WHOEVER FILLED MY SHAMPOO WITH PAINT, YOU WILL DIE]**

TRACER: whatd i miss?

GENJI: a lot

MERCY: It's a long story.

TRACER: give me the speed version

MCCREE: genji put paint in jacks shampoo and now his face is green and gerard almost went into cardiac arrest laughing at it

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  
TRACER: thats amazing!

MORRISON: Seriously, how do I get it off?

GENJI: its industrial paint  
GENJI: honestly i dont think its going to come off

MORRISON: Please.

MCCREE: used to it you must get yoda

LIAO: LOL STOP I CANT

MERCY: Well, I do have one idea.  
MERCY: Even though it's probably not going to be fun for you.

MORRISON: Angela, I just want it off my face.

GENJI: oh come on it gives u more personality

LACROIX: Not to mention it turns you into a topic of conversation.

REINHARDT: And it'll definitely help cheer us up during a bad day.

MORRISON: Angela, I don't care what it is.  
MORRISON: Just do it.

MERCY: Jack, I'm giving you fair warning that it's not going to be enjoyable.

MORRISON: Don't care.  
MORRISON: Do it.

MERCY: Well, if you insist.

LIAO: my funny moment sense are tingling

MCCREE: mine overloaded

WINSTON: Jack, there's a better way.

MORRISON: But not one that I'm willing to work through.  
MORRISON: Let's do this.

___________________________

MORRISON: I REGRET EVERYTHING!

MERCY: Hold still.

REINHARDT: This day just keeps getting better.

MORRISON: IT HURTS!

MERCY: I told you it would hurt.

MORRISON: MAKE IT STOP!

MERCY: I can't.  
MERCY: What's done is done.

KIMIKO: What are you doing to him?

ANA: Hopefully killing him

MIREMBE: Ana...

ANA: Its a joke guys damn

MERCY: Laser removal.  
MERCY: Kind of like tattoos.  
MERCY: Except on a much larger scale.

MCCREE: why?

MERCY: He asked.

MORRISON: I AM FULL OF REGRET!

REYES: This is what you get.

MORRISON: FUCK YOU!

REINHARDT: Suck it up, Green Goblin.

MORRISON: STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING NICKNAMES!

REINHARDT: I will not.

MCCREE: this was fun while it lasted

TRACER: it sure was!

GENJI: i should do this more often

WINSTON: Do not.

KIMIKO: Yeah please don't.

GENJI: fine

LIAO: all in all today was a nice learning experience

MIREMBE: I find it hard to believe that any of you ever learn anything.

LIAO: i didnt say we learned anything worthwhile  
LIAO: just that gerard is actually capable of laughing

LACROIX: First of all, that wasn't a secret.  
LACROIX: Second of all, é.

LIAO: féck you

GENJI: lol

MIREMBE: Is this really the extent of the conversations you have in here?

TRACER: more or less!

MIREMBE: Fascinating.

MCCREE: status update on jack?

MORRISON: BURNING  
MORRISON: PRAYING FOR DEATH  
MORRISON: ALSO STRANGELY AROUSED!

ANA: Ew

LIAO: there you go reyes  
LIAO: jacks kink is burning  
LIAO: do with that what you wish

KIMIKO: The only thing that I'm going to burn is my eyes so I can forget ever seeing this fucking thread.

GENJI: lol

WINSTON: Why are we the World's heroes?

LACROIX: Who else would want this job?

WINSTON: Fair point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that more and more people are taking a shot at writing chatfics! I feel like I'm the leader of a revolution! 
> 
> Is it wrong for me to take credit for the increasing number of chatfics? 
> 
> I'm taking credit for the increasing number of chatfics.
> 
> Sorry, let me feed my ego :D


	48. overwatch deals with a power outage

GENJI: i cant see shit

LUCIO: ditto

MCCREE: wait how?  
MCCREE: doesnt your mask thing have night vision

GENJI: had  
GENJI: it had night vision  
GENJI: until _someone_ got overzealous

TRACER: i said i was sorry!

GENJI: sorry doesnt do much for me

WINSTON: Why have you done this?

GENJI: its fixable

76: You'd better hope it's fixable.

MCCREE: yeah were in the wrong here

MEI: You're in the wrong ninety percent of the time.

HANZO: What the hell did you all even do?

GENJI: i think we blew out the transformer

MEI: ...Why?

LUCIO: we lack common sense

HANZO: You lack intelligence in general.

GENJI: hey thats not true  
GENJI: were kinda smart

HANZO: You sat at the kitchen table for two hours crying because you couldn't figure out the answer to three plus three

D.VA: OMG STOP

GENJI: i was also four but thanks for leaving out the most important detail

HANZO: Pleasure.

GENJI: in my defense  
GENJI: is anyone really even smart at that age?

MEI: At age four?  
MEI: I was intelligent enough to be enrolled in school.

WINSTON: I built my first prototype for the Tesla Cannon at that age.

MERCY: I was already studing anatomy and biology in preparation of becoming a doctor.

MCCREE: i ate too many pancakes and threw up on my bunkmate

TRACER: and then theres jesse

LUCIO: LOL

GENJI: at least jesses here to make me feel less idiotic

D.VA: were pancakes in an orphanage even good?

MCCREE: well i ate fourteen of them  
MCCREE: ill let you answer that question yourself

LUCIO: wait how did your bunkmate react?

MCCREE: who cares?  
MCCREE: fuck that kid  
MCCREE: he always stole my socks

REINHARDT: From what I've heard, you don't even wear socks anymore.

MCCREE: yeah  
MCCREE: _because my bunkmate stole all of them_

76: You're more than capable of buying your own socks.

MCCREE: nah  
MCCREE: thats an adult thing to do

MEI: You're 37.

MCCREE: still not old enough to adult

HANZO: You should try it someday.  
HANZO: It would be a lot easier on all of us.

MCCREE: considering...  
MCCREE: no

HANZO: I don't know what I expected.

WINSTON: Okay, let's be serious for one second.

ANA: Good luck with that

WINSTON: What did you all do to the transformer?

LUCIO: im not really sure  
LUCIO: its all kinda hazy

D.VA: thats just because of all the smoke

WINSTON: ...Smoke?

GENJI: its not important  
GENJI: were trying to fix it

76: _DON'T._  
76: _YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE._

MCCREE: disagree

REAPER: **No, Jack's right.**  
REAPER: **I remember what you two did to the Christmas Lights.**

MCCREE: _LISTEN_

GENJI: _WERE NOT FUCKING ELECTRICIANS REYES IDK WHAT U EXPECTED_

REAPER: **How can you enjoy Christmas without a tree?**

GENJI: _MAYBE NEXT TIME DONT PUT THE TREE NEXT TO THE FUCKING ELECTRICAL BOX_

REYES: _**OR, HOW ABOUT NEXT TIME YOU DON'T PUT YOUR ELECTRICAL BOX NEXT TO MY TREE?**_

GENJI: ...

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: _...WHAT?_

REAPER: **YOU RUINED CHRISTMAS THAT YEAR!**

MCCREE: YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD BY MAKING ME JOIN BLACKWATCH SO FUCK YOU

REAPER: **YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS ALREADY RUINED BEFORE BLACKWATCH.**

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: FUCK YOU

MERCY: Jesse, stop.

MCCREE: why do i have to stop?  
MCCREE: reyes started it

MERCY: Because I trust you to be the bigger person more than I trust Reyes.

REAPER: **Seriously?**

MERCY: Completely.  
MERCY: You're no better than the two of them at points.

ANA: Someone had to say it

REAPER: **Are you really trying to tell me that Jesse's more mature than I am?**

MERCY: Not at all.  
MERCY: But you hold grudges a lot more than Jesse does.

MCCREE: debatable

76: I disagree with this entire conversation.  
76: Reyes is much more mature than Jesse.

LUCIO: shocker

GENJI: anyone second jacks opinion?

D.VA: nope

TRACER: not really

MEI: Half.  
MEI: Neither of them are really mature.

WINSTON: I second that.

REAPER: **For fuck's sake.**

EMILY: I hate to be that guy.  
EMILY: Or girl.  
EMILY: But can we please get to fixing the power?

GENJI: why is the lack of power bothering u?

EMILY: Just a tad.  
EMILY: I can't really see.

LUCIO: neither can we  
LUCIO: except for bastion and zen

ZENYATTA: I honestly didn't even realize the power was out until you mentioned it.  
ZENYATTA: My eyes automatically adjusted to the brightness.  
ZENYATTA: Or lack thereof.

D.VA: lucky

WIDOWMAKER: I can see through walls.  
WIDOWMAKER: Do you think the dark is going to cause a problem?

EMILY: Well, kind of.  
EMILY: You might be able to see, but I can't.

WIDOWMAKER: There's nothing wrong with that.  
WIDOWMAKER: The best things happen in the dark.  
WIDOWMAKER: *Wink Wink*

EMILY: <3

WIDOWMAKER: <3

TRACER: <3

WIDOWMAKER: <3

EMILY: <3

LUCIO: stop i cant see with all this gay

D.VA: you couldnt see before all the gay  
D.VA: cause you broke the power

MCCREE: you know what else happens in the dark?

GENJI: late night depression fueled snacks?

MCCREE: yes  
MCCREE: but no

TRACER: is there something you want to tell us genji?

GENJI: not really no

MERCY: What happens in the dark, Jesse?

MCCREE: accidents

DOOMFIST: I'm sure you would know all about that, huh?

LUCIO: LMAO!!!

MCCREE: wow okay  
MCCREE: did i really deserve that doomfist?

DOOMFIST: Eh.  
DOOMFIST: That was how I felt like integrating myself into the conversation.  
DOOMFIST: It honestly could've happened to anyone.

MCCREE: goddammit

WINSTON: For the third time.  
WINSTON: What exactly are we going to do about the power?

LUCIO: ask torb

BRIGITTE: Don't do that.  
BRIGITTE: Unless you want to be memed on again.

LUCIO: pls

D.VA: dont put us through that again

BRIGITTE: Just don't tell him about what's going on.

MEI: I don't know how he wouldn't have already found out.  
MEI: The power's out all over the Watchpoint.

BRIGITTE: Not in the armory.  
BRIGITTE: It has its own back-up generator.

WINSTON: Why did we not install those everywhere on base?

BRIGITTE: Don't blame me for your own design flaws.

76: Your father is the one who designed the base!

BRIGITTE: Once again.  
BRIGITTE: Don't blame me.

MCCREE: yeah blame genji

GENJI: y tho?

MCCREE: cause its funny to watch angela reattach your legs

ANA: I thought i was the only one who enjoyed that

REINHARDT: That's because the rest of us are normal human beings.

D.VA: speak for yourself

MERCY: I think you might be a little too generous there, Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: I realized the futility of what I said after I already said it.

GENJI: at least u learned from ur mistakes

REINHARDT: That's more than I can say about you.

D.VA: rip

MCCREE: no

76: Okay, enough of this fuckery.  
76: Someone's going to have to fix shit and it's not going to be me.  
76: Or Torbjorn.

REAPER: **Or Genji or Jesse.**

ANA: Yeah not after what they did to the fish tank

GENJI: _WE WERE TRYING TO ADD FANCY LIGHTS_

ANA: They were fancy alright  
ANA: Ive never seen fish fry that quickly

DOOMFIST: I really don't understand how some of you are still alive.

GENJI: well im technically not  
GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: Enough.

DOOMFIST: From what I've gathered, I don't think I entirely disagree with the decision he made.

GENJI: WOW

D.VA: lets just get brigitte to do it

BRIGITTE: No.  
BRIGITTE: I'm not involved in this.  
BRIGITTE: But it better be fixed quickly because I want to see how this movie ends.

MCCREE: what movie?

BRIGITTE: I would tell you, but I know better.  
BRIGITTE: Because I know that someone would spoil it.

LUCIO: she knows us too well

GENJI: watching with satya?

BRIGITTE: ...Perhaps.

TRACER: yay date night!  
TRACER: you two are so cute!

BRIGITTE: I would really appreciate if we changed the subject.

SYMMETRA: Oh, let them talk.  
SYMMETRA: At least we're happy.

BRIGITTE: <3

SYMMETRA: <3

LUCIO: gay

REINHARDT: gay

MEI: As much as I hate to admit it, Winston.  
MEI: If Torbjorn and Brigitte aren't going to do it, I think Jesse might actually be the most qualified to restore the power.

76: Absolutely not.

MCCREE: alright then jack i hope you like being blind

76: Hasn't stopped me before.

REAPER: **I don't trust him with electrical work.**

MEI: Do you have a better idea?

REAPER: **I don't care, remember?**  
REAPER: **I'm part of Talon.**

MEI: Right...

MERCY: I say do it.

ANA: Really?

MERCY: Unless anyone else thinks they could do a better job.

REINHARDT: ...

LUCIO: nope

D.VA: nada

TRACER: i suck at fixing things!

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Do it.

MCCREE: cool

WINSTON: But please.  
WINSTON: _PLEASE!_  
WINSTON: Be careful.

MCCREE: have i ever let you down before winston?

WINSTON: ...I'm not going to answer that question.

GENJI: well guess were all fucked

MCCREE: calm down would you?  
MCCREE: i got this

___________________________

MCCREE: FUCK  
MCCREE: SHIT  
MCCREE: BALLS

GENJI: U FUCKING IDIOT

REINHARDT: And...there it is.

WINSTON: _I told you to be careful!_

MCCREE: ITS NOT MY FAULT I SWEAR

76: It's always your fault.

MERCY: Why do I smell smoke?

GENJI: no reason in particular

MCCREE: GENJI HELP  
MCCREE: PUT IT OUT

GENJI: ILL GET WATER

MCCREE: NO

GENJI: WHY?

MCCREE: ITS AN ELECTRICAL FIRE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCK  
MCCREE: WATERS JUST GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE

GENJI: SO WHAT DO I DO?

MCCREE: IDK GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER

GENJI: THE ONE LENA SET ON FIRE?

MCCREE: DID WE NOT GET ANOTHER ONE?

GENJI: NO

MCCREE: WTF ITS BEEN LIKE EIGHT MONTHS

REINHARDT: In my defense...  
REINHARDT: No one put a fire extinguisher on the shopping list.

LUCIO: should we be worried?

WINSTON: If the fire alarm goes off, get out.

MEI: Why do these things happen all the time?

HANZO: Because my brother's an idiot.

GENJI: IT WASNT EVEN ME

HANZO: I don't care.

MCCREE: ITS GETTING WORSE

GENJI: HERE I GOT SOMETHING

MCCREE: OKAY GOOD  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: WAIT GENJI NO

_____________________________

MCCREE: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

GENJI: LISTEN

MCCREE: CAN YOU READ?

GENJI: I PANICKED

MCCREE: IT SAID GASOLINE IN BRIGHT WHITE LETTERS!  
MCCREE: YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER

GENJI: FUCK U

EMILY: Is everyone okay?

WINSTON: Yes, thankfully.

D.VA: how is it possible that we didnt burn the base down?

WINSTON: Thank Roadhog for that.

ROADHOG: ive dealt with this enough in the outback  
ROADHOG: i basically have a sixth sense for it now

DOOMFIST: Every day, you just surprise me more and more.

LUCIO: its a talent

DOOMFIST: Not what I would call it.

76: Absolutely unbelievable.

MCCREE: hey at least the powers back on  
MCCREE: and we didnt burn the base down  
MCCREE: even though _SOMEBODY_ really tried

GENJI: FUCK U

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [DOUBLE DOUBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE I'LL HAMMER YOUR BONES INTO RUBBLE]**

MCCREE: STAND IN THE CORNER OF SHAME AND THINK OF WHAT YOUVE DONE

ZENYATTA: I'll have a talk with him later, Jesse.

MERCY: Can we not repeat this?

WIDOWMAKER: Wishful thinking.

WINSTON: At least nothing was broken and no one was injured.

76: This time.

SYMMETRA: Has the craziness subsided for the time being?

TRACER: i think?

SYMMETRA: Perfect.  
SYMMETRA: Brigitte and I were just getting to the end of Scream.

LUCIO: BILLY AND STU ARE THE KILLERS

BRIGITTE: YOU MOTHER FUCKER

LUCIO: *DAB*

**[LUCIO] left chatroom [DOUBLE DOUBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE I'LL HAMMER YOUR BONES INTO RUBBLE]**

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] left chatroom [DOUBLE DOUBLE TOIL AND TROUBLE I'LL HAMMER YOUR BONES INTO RUBBLE]**

D.VA: am i about to watch someone die?

MCCREE: probably

SYMMETRA: He deserves this.

MERCY: Are you sure?

SYMMETRA: Yes.

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Okay then.  
MERCY: Guess I'll go get my staff ready.

ANA: Nah he needs to learn  
ANA: Let him bleed

MERCY: You and I both know that I can't do that.

WINSTON: Why do you all act like this?

MCCREE: if i knew id tell you

HANZO: You're all idiots.

D.VA: old news

SOMBRA: hey guys hate to interrupt but i think lucios gonna die

HANZO: I don't care.

SOMBRA: aight cool


	49. the big kitchen fiasco

GENJI: WHY DID I AGREE TO DO THIS?

REINHARDT: You didn't.  
REINHARDT: It was either this or kitchen duty.

GENJI: I CANT FEEL MY ARMS

LUCIO: well theyre not real technically so

GENJI: FUCK U

MCCREE: you seem to be texting pretty well

GENJI: FOR THE LAST TIME  
GENJI: THE CHAT IS BUILT INTO MY INTERFACE  
GENJI: I DONT NEED HANDS ALL I HAVE TO DO IS THINK

76: You don't think very well either.

BRIGITTE: Why do you not learn?

GENJI: unknown

ANA: None of them learn

BRIGITTE: Disagree.  
BRIGITTE: I think Lucio knows better now.

LUCIO: i dont wanna talk about it  
LUCIO: i still taste plastic

BRIGITTE: And I'm sure you regret making that decision.

LUCIO: meh

SYMMETRA: We were just trying to enjoy ourselves and you ruined it.

D.VA: okay wait since when is satya the calm one?  
D.VA: this is the same woman who planted turrets in my room because i spilled beans on her binder

SYMMETRA: _THAT WAS MY FAVORITE BINDER!_

D.VA: THERE WASNT EVEN ANYTHING IN IT

SYMMETRA: I DON'T CARE!

D.VA: I COULDNT GET IN MY ROOM FOR THREE DAYS

SYMMETRA: IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LONGER!

D.VA: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

SYMMETRA: _**SO WERE YOU!**_

LUCIO: thats a burn

TRACER: LOL!

MERCY: What the hell is happening?

MCCREE: besides the usual?

MERCY: Yes, that was the question.

LUCIO: well the simple answer is that genji fucked up

PHARAH: That's not surprising.

MERCY: So, what was the punishment this time?

BRIGITTE: Well, he had a few choices.

REINHARDT: I suggested kitchen duty.

GENJI: IM NOT CLEANING THE KITCHEN FUCK U

REINHARDT: _I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!_

GENJI: SO WHY STOP?

REINHARDT: JUST HELP ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!

76: I just said he should run laps.

MCCREE: this isnt the fucking army

76: Well, maybe it should be.

MERCY: So, what was the finally verdict?

TRACER: we made him train with zarya!

PHARAH: Good God.

MERCY: I think that's too much.

LUCIO: too late its happening

GENJI: SAVE ME

ZARYA: You are baby.  
ZARYA: Is not hard.

GENJI: MAYBE IF UR THE SIZE OF A BUILDING  
GENJI: NORMAL PEOPLE CANT DO THIS

D.VA: youre not even a person  
D.VA: technically

GENJI: NOT THE TIME

REINHARDT: You deserve worse for what you've done.

GENJI: WE CAN BUY ANOTHER ONE U KNOW

REINHARDT: I don't want another one.  
REINHARDT: That was my favorite.

ANA: I made that for him

GENJI: SO WHY IS HE LEAVING IT WHERE IT CAN BE EASILY DESTROYED?

REINHARDT: To test your self-control.

MCCREE: spoiler alert genji you failed

GENJI: FUCK

MEI: Is this even allowed?

LUCIO: winston said it was okay

WINSTON: ...Just don't kill him, Zarya.

ZARYA: Would not dream of it.  
ZARYA: I have many fun things planned.

D.VA: rip

MCCREE: ...

LUCIO: so mei

MEI: Please don't.

LUCIO: zaryas got some pretty big arms

MEI: She does.

ZARYA: I do.

LUCIO: what do you like most about them?

MEI: ...  
MEI: Stop.

LUCIO: hey im just asking

MEI: Don't.  
MEI: Or else I'll make you work alongside her and Genji.

LUCIO: and just like im gonna shut up

MEI: See to it.

76: I can't see this ending well.

PHARAH: You seem strangely unbothered by that.

76: I've pretty much given up hope that we'll eventually behave normally.

TRACER: what took you so long?

MCCREE: yeah winston gave up the second he initiated the recall

WINSTON: I have never admitted that.

MCCREE: am i wrong?

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Not entirely.

76: Call it my hopeless optimism.

ANA: I just call it stupidity

REINHARDT: Seconded.

76: Your opinion is unneeded and unwanted.

ANA: Too bad im still giving it to u

ZARYA: _Fifty more._

GENJI: IVE ALREADY DONE LIKE 200

ZARYA: _NOW!_

______________________________

GENJI: OW  
GENJI: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO  
GENJI: FUCK

ZARYA: The pain makes you stronger.

GENJI: THE PAIN MAKES ME PRAY FOR DEATH

D.VA: @HANZO  
D.VA: youre wanted

HANZO: I'm not doing this again.

LUCIO: come on hes literally asking for it this time

HANZO: Don't.

WINSTON: Zarya, why can I hear Genji screaming?

ZARYA: He is weak.

SOMBRA: thats one way to put it

MCCREE: what happened?

SOMBRA: his arms snapped off

LUCIO: OMG

ZARYA: I think we need more weight.

GENJI: STAY AWAY FROM ME

TRACER: how much weight is even on there?

SOMBRA: i cant really tell  
SOMBRA: but i can see the bar bending so i guess thats not a good sign

76: Jesus Fucking Christ.

REINHARDT: And to think.  
REINHARDT: Kitchen duty wouldn't have hurt you like this.

PHARAH: I don't know.  
PHARAH: Have you seen the mold on some of those sandwiches?  
PHARAH: I'm pretty sure some of them grew legs and started walking around.

MCCREE: WAIT  
MCCREE: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A REALLY BIG BUG

PHARAH: Oh boy, don't I wish it was.

REINHARDT: This is why I need someone to help me clean it.

GENJI: NO

REINHARDT: _BOTH OF YOUR ARMS HAVE SNAPPED OFF COMPLETELY AND YOU STILL TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT YOU PREFER ZARYA'S TRAINING REGIMENT?_

GENJI: THATS EXACTLY WHAT IM TELLING U

REINHARDT: _BLASPHEMY!_

GENJI: @ANGELA  
GENJI: I NEED HEALING  
GENJI: LIKE ACTUALLY FOR REAL THIS TIME

MERCY: I don't know what you want me to do.

GENJI: ????  
GENJI: UR FUCKING JOB?

MERCY: I'm a doctor, Genji.  
MERCY: Not a mechanic.  
MERCY: Ask Torbjorn.

D.VA: yeah thats a bad idea

BRIGITTE: I can help.

LUCIO: hey there you go genji  
LUCIO: say thank you

GENJI: IM NOT SAYING SHIT UNTIL IM ACTUALLY FIXED

BRIGITTE: Give me a few minutes.  
BRIGITTE: I'll meet you in the armory.

GENJI: THANK THE HEAVENS

HANZO: The heavens hate your existence.

GENJI: FUCK U

ANA: oh thisll be fun

______________________

BRIGITTE: Better?

GENJI: much  
GENJI: now i can finally scratch my head

MCCREE: is that what the problem was?

GENJI: mostly  
GENJI: not having arms was an issue too  
GENJI: but my head was really itchy

LUCIO: lmao

ANA: Have u learned ur lesson?

GENJI: for the moment

REINHARDT: Please.  
REINHARDT: Out of the kindness of your heart.

GENJI: im not cleaning the fucking kitchen

REINHARDT: PLEASE!  
REINHARDT: IT REALLY NEEDS TO BE CLEANED!

GENJI: u have two hands  
GENJI: unlike me

BRIGITTE: I literally just reattached them.

GENJI: HE DOESNT KNOW THAT

REINHARDT: I DO NOW!  
REINHARDT: COME ON, GENJI!  
REINHARDT: DO AN OLD PAL A FAVOR!

GENJI: UR NOT MY PAL  
GENJI: U BLOW TORCHED MY DOOR SHUT BECAUSE I SQUIRTED KETCHUP ON UR TIE

REINHARDT: _THAT WAS MY FAVORITE TIE!_

TRACER: i remember that!

MERCY: I try to forget that it ever happened.

MCCREE: i dont think ive ever laughed harder in my life than at that moment

ANA: Yeah that was funny  
ANA: OH WAIT  
ANA: I NEVER SAW IT BECAUSE SOMEONE SHOT ME!

WIDOWMAKER: Your attempt to make me feel guilty is not going to work.  
WIDOWMAKER: I have no emotions.

ANA: THAT DOESNT MEAN I CANT VOICE MY FRUSTRATIONS

WIDOWMAKER: If that's what helps you sleep at night.

WINSTON: The kitchen really does need to be cleaned.

REINHARDT: THANK YOU!

SOMBRA: it does  
SOMBRA: i can see it  
SOMBRA: all i will say  
SOMBRA: i dont know how any of you can actually eat anything that comes out of there

MCCREE: you think thats bad?  
MCCREE: have you eaten jacks cooking?

76: Why?

MEI: Don't bring it up.  
MEI: I don't want to relive that night.  
MEI: I'm pretty sure I threw up most of my internal organs.

LUCIO: same

WINSTON: Any volunteers?

ANA: Dont even ask  
ANA: None of us are that stupid

MCCREE: i volunteer genji

GENJI: !!!!  
GENJI: I VOLUNTEER JESSE

MCCREE: nope  
MCCREE: i did it first

WINSTON: Anyone else?

TRACER: i also nominate genji!

GENJI: Y THO?

LUCIO: cmon lets be real  
LUCIO: how long could cleaning the kitchen really take?

MEI: Is that a serious question?

LUCIO: cleaning isnt that hard you know  
LUCIO: it might take an hour or two

BRIGITTE: ...

ANA: Oh u poor soul

D.VA: youre not really that naive are you?

LUCIO: hey listen  
LUCIO: if we get a few people to actually do something it cant take that long

PHARAH: Have you actually ever even been in there?

LUCIO: once  
LUCIO: a few months ago  
LUCIO: it was a bit dirty but nothing too bad

ANA: Nothing too bad he says

REINHARDT: Oh no, it's certainly bad.

GENJI: i think lucio is volunteering himself

WINSTON: Lucio, you're on kitchen duty with Reinhardt.

REINHARDT: FINALLY!

LUCIO: cool  
LUCIO: when do we start?

REINHARDT: IMMEDIATELY!  
REINHARDT: COME HERE!

LUCIO: fine

MCCREE: he has no idea what hes getting himself into

MERCY: Good.  
MERCY: Let this serve as a learning experience.

D.VA: okay just to clarify  
D.VA: you were joking about the mold coming to life right?

PHARAH: Did you think we were?

D.VA: i was kinda hoping

MCCREE: hate to disappoint you  
MCCREE: but that really did happen

D.VA: ...  
D.VA: im so glad that i buy my own food

WINSTON: Likewise.

GENJI: over under until he cries for help?

ANA: Five minutes

MCCREE: seconds

ZARYA: He won't last that long.

GENJI: all good answers

TRACER: now all we do is wait!

__________________________

LUCIO: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS PLACE?

REINHARDT: NOT SO EASY NOW IS IT, CHUMP?

LUCIO: WHY HAVE YOU LET IT GET THIS BAD?

REINHARDT: BECAUSE NO ONE OFFERED TO HELP!

MCCREE: fourteen seconds  
MCCREE: pay up

GENJI: hey we didnt place any bets

MCCREE: we did now  
MCCREE: you all owe me ten bucks

ANA: So  
ANA: We all owe u 10 bucks individually or combined?

MCCREE: just give me my fucking money

LUCIO: WHY IS THIS HERE?

REINHARDT: OH!!!  
REINHARDT: ANGELA, I FOUND YOUR BATH ROBE!

MERCY: It's been nine years, Reinhardt.

GENJI: really?  
GENJI: feels like longer

LUCIO: WE HAVE GARBAGE CANS FOR A REASON

76: You should talk.  
76: I've seen you drop your leftovers in the garden.

WINSTON: Is that why the sunflowers died?

LUCIO: no comment

BASTION: :(

LUCIO: im sorry

REINHARDT: Alright, time to get to work.

LUCIO: ARE YOU SERIOUS?  
LUCIO: THIS KITCHEN IS BEYOND SAVING  
LUCIO: WE NEED TO THROW THE WHOLE BASE OUT

PHARAH: You've gotta be exaggerating a little bit.

SOMBRA: hes not  
SOMBRA: just take my word for it

REINHARDT: Nothing a little elbow grease won't fix.

LUCIO: REINHARDT  
LUCIO: THE WALLPAPER IS PEELING OFF  
LUCIO: THERES NO HOPE

REINHARDT: Ye of little faith.

76: How have none of us died of food poisoning?

ANA: Hey the foods not the problem  
ANA: Just the room

PHARAH: Mom, you ate a green hamburger last week.

ANA: And it was delicious

MCCREE: im gonna puke

LUCIO: DONT  
LUCIO: WE CANT AFFORD ANY MORE MESSES

TRACER: well then you shouldnt look at junkrats room!

D.VA: theres no saving that  
D.VA: were just gonna have to burn everything

WINSTON: @JUNRKAT  
WINSTON: That was not a suggestion.

JUNKRAT: YOURE NO FUN MATE

LUCIO: THATS A FULL GALLON OF MILK  
LUCIO: ITS NOT EVEN OPEN  
LUCIO: AND ITS JUST SITTING AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PILE WHY?

76: I forgot to put it in the fridge.

LUCIO: HOW?

76: We got called out for a mission.  
76: I had to drop everything.

GENJI: whats the expiration date?

LUCIO: TOO LONG AGO  
LUCIO: MARCH 7TH 2068

PHARAH: My God.

D.VA: ill give you fifty bucks to drink it

MERCY: I would have to advise against that.  
MERCY: I don't even think I could bring you back to life after it kicked in.

REINHARDT: THIS IS WHY I NEEDED HELP CLEANING IT!

LUCIO: I REGRET EVERY BAD THING IVE EVER DONE

MEI: That's the spirit.

LUCIO: WHERE DO WE EVEN START?

REINHARDT: PICK ANY CORNER!  
REINHARDT: THEY'RE ALL TERRIBLE CHOICES ANYWAY!

SOMBRA: how did you even let it get that bad?

ANA: Our housekeeper quit like ten years ago

GENJI: thanks a lot jesse

MCCREE: LISTEN  
MCCREE: I THOUGHT SHE WAS A BURGLAR

PHARAH: What burglar would be stupid enough to rob this place?

D.VA: apparently the housekeeper

MCCREE: I SAID I WAS SORRY

LUCIO: THIS IS THE END  
LUCIO: I CANT

REINHARDT: YOU WILL!  
REINHARDT: AND YOU WILL FINISH THE JOB!

LUCIO: ASLDFGJALSGDHNASGREHBVBAFHADSF

_______________________

LUCIO: IS IT OVER?

REINHARDT: For now.

TRACER: until we mess it up again?

LUCIO: _DO NOT EVER MESS IT UP THAT BADLY AGAIN_

GENJI: no promises

WINSTON: You actually cleaned it?

REINHARDT: Amazingly.

D.VA: time check

MEI: Six hours and twenty four minutes.

MCCREE: wasnt as easy as you thought itd be huh lucio?

LUCIO: IM GOING TO BED

76: Don't let us stop you.

ANA: So that just actually happened

PHARAH: I don't know how.

MERCY: But it happened.

WINSTON: Considering that ninety percent of you are clumsy and destructive, it was nice to see something be fixed instead of broken for once.

D.VA: take a picture

GENJI: yeah thatll be the last time u see that

WINSTON: I'm going to savor the moment.

ANA: Dont savor too long  
ANA: Something will go wrong soon enough

MEI: I hope not.

REINHARDT: WAIT LUCIO COME BACK!  
REINHARDT: WE FORGOT TO SORT OUT THE CLOSET!

LUCIO: _IM NEVER SETTING FOOT IN THAT KITCHEN AGAIN_

SOMBRA: after what ive seen today  
SOMBRA: i dont blame you

76: Can you leave the chatroom already?

SOMBRA: nope  
SOMBRA: i will remain here until i eventually grow bored

76: And how long will that be?

SOMBRA: longer than your remaining life span

TRACER: LOL!

76: So, like fifteen minutes?

SOMBRA: prob

76: Good to hear.

GENJI: this just in  
GENJI: jack is now officially done with everyones shit

76: I was done with your shit the moment you all joined Overwatch.

D.VA: well its not gonna stop so get used to it

76: I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy Shit Balls! We're almost to fifty chapters! That's amazing to think about because when I started this fic I didn't even think it'd get to ten chapters, let alone fifty! It's certainly been one wild ride, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Chapter 50 has all the makings of one gigantic mega chapter, so hopefully everyone's into that sort of thing. Or not, that's cool too.
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who's joined me in this adventure, and I hope to keep entertaining you all for as long as my brain will let me! This wouldn't be possible without all the love and support you've shown me, and I'm so appreciative of it! You guys rock!


	50. holy shit its the 50th chapter everyone go crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this chapter long enough to be considered a mega-chapter?
> 
> I tried my best to incorporate everyone into this one. Hopefully, I gave everyone enough screen time. Hope everyone enjoys this! It's my personal favorite chapter so far.

JUNKRAT: CAN WE ORDER CHINESE FOOD?

REINHARDT: Sure.  
REINHARDT: Pick up the phone and dial the Chinese Food place.

JUNKRAT: YOU SEE I WOULD  
JUNKRAT: BUT IM STILL BANNED FROM USING THE PHONE

REINHARDT: Right.  
REINHARDT: I forgot about that.

LUCIO: wait what did you do?

JUNKRAT: ITS A LONG STORY

MCCREE: weve got nothing but time

WINSTON: We don't need to hear this story.  
WINSTON: Again.

JUNKRAT: HEY CMON WINSTON THAT WASNT TOTALLY MY FAULT

76: Yes it was.

JUNKRAT: CMON ON MATE IT WAS JUST A FREAK THING

76: Like your birth.

LUCIO: !!!

GENJI: OH FUCKING SHIT

ANA: Did  
ANA: Did jack actually just burn someone?

MCCREE: someone get a fucking picture of this and put it in the smithsonian  
MCCREE: history was just made here

JUNKRAT: ...  
JUNKRAT: WELL GUESS I HAVE NO REASON TO CONTINUE LIVING

D.VA: after that  
D.VA: i dont think anyones gonna disagree

REINHARDT: This is a milestone if I've ever seen one.

REAPER: **Hey, what do you know?**  
REAPER: **You're not nearly as useless as I thought you were.**

76: I don't remember asking for your input in this.

REAPER: **I don't remember giving a shit.**

JUNKRAT: WELL IF ANYONE NEEDS ME ILL BE STICKING MY HEAD IN THE MICROWAVE

MCCREE: dont

GENJI: yeah really we actually still use that

JUNKRAT: I LIKE THE WAY IT MAKES MY HEAD FEEL

MERCY: You shouldn't.  
MERCY: That's actually extremely dangerous to your health.

D.VA: thats probably the healthiest thing hes ever done in his life

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Fine, you've got a point.

JUNKRAT: K BYE  
JUNKRAT: REMEMBER ME FONDLY

**[JUNKRAT] left chatroom [CRUNCH-A-TIZE THIS DICK CAPTAIN]**

GENJI: so  
GENJI: that just happened

LUCIO: ive never in my life seen jack roast someone and idk how i feel about it

76: I feel so empowered.  
76: Like nothing can stop me.

ANA: Okay chill  
ANA: Its one semi-decent roast dont get a swelled head over it

REINHARDT: Oh, let him have his fun.  
REINHARDT: It's a new experience for him.

**User [SOLDIER: 76] changed chatroom name to [PREMIUM ROASTS COURTESY OF CHEF JACK MORRISON]**

REINHARDT: ...I've changed my mind.  
REINHARDT: Someone stop him before he gets any ideas.

SOMBRA: oh please  
SOMBRA: hes gonna sit back and be the same old angry old man hes always been

76: And if I decide not to?

SOMBRA: then i guess everyone on base will get an email containing the fanfiction youve made of yourself and gabe  
SOMBRA: among others

76: YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING DARE!

SOMBRA: try me

LUCIO: ew pls no

GENJI: im suddenly intrigued

TRACER: me too!  
TRACER: i wanna see what this is all about!

WINSTON: I don't need another repeat of this.

D.VA: another?  
D.VA: this happened before?

MCCREE: yeah its better that we leave it in the past

MERCY: Good idea.

REAPER: **But isn't everyone curious to hear about Genji's darkest fantasies?**

GENJI: REYES I SWEAR TO SHIT I WILL END UR LIFE

REAPER: **It didn't work the first time so I doubt it'll work a second time.**

LUCIO: ...do i wanna know?

MCCREE: yes and no  
MCCREE: but mostly no

ANA: As fun as all this would be, emailing us anything wont work

SOMBRA: why?

ANA: Because everyones emails are still locked thanks to jesse

TRACER: still?

GENJI: that was like ten years ago how?

WINSTON: I spent well over three days trying to fix it.  
WINSTON: I don't even know how he did it.

MCCREE: i have my vices

SOMBRA: uh hello?  
SOMBRA: worlds best hacker?  
SOMBRA: do you really think i cant undo it?

WINSTON: You haven't seen it.

SOMBRA: i doubt its anything really bad

WINSTON: Well, you're welcome to give it a try.

REINHARDT: Please.  
REINHARDT: I've been waiting to reset my Webkinz password for years.

MCCREE: no

GENJI: not this again

LUCIO: what the fuck is webkinz?

REINHARDT: ONLY THE SINGLE GREATEST THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN CREATED!  
REINHARDT: WITH THE OBVIOUS EXCEPTION OF CLUB PENGUIN!

ANA: Which was shut down fifty years ago

REINHARDT: AND IT WAS STILL THE WORST CRIME HUMANITY EVER COMMITTED!

SOMBRA: ...right  
SOMBRA: okay so ill get right on that  
SOMBRA: it should only take a few minutes

MCCREE: famous last words

SOMBRA: please  
SOMBRA: once again  
SOMBRA: greatest hacker in the world  
SOMBRA: theres nothing i cant get into

MCCREE: well see

____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

ROADHOG: so i heard you got roasted by the old man

JUNKRAT: LISTEN  
JUNKRAT: IT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR  
JUNKRAT: I JUST WANTED CHINESE FOOD

ROADHOG: did you get it?

JUNKRAT: NO  
JUNKRAT: IM NOT ALLOWED TO USE THE PHONE REMEMBER?

ROADHOG: oh yeah  
ROADHOG: why would you not hang up?

JUNKRAT: THE GUY SOUNDED TRUSTWORTHY

ROADHOG: so you just decided to tell him winstons credit card information?

JUNKRAT: LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW  
JUNKRAT: I GREW UP IN THE OUTBACK

ROADHOG: so did i

JUNKRAT: YEAH  
JUNKRAT: BUT YOURE BETTER AT THIS THAN I AM

ROADHOG: better at what?

JUNKRAT: YOURE REALLY GONNA MAKE ME SAY IT ARENT YOU?

ROADHOG: say what?

JUNKRAT: THAT YOURE SMARTER THAN ME

ROADHOG: im screenshotting this

JUNKRAT: YOURE THE WORST

ROADHOG: not really  
ROADHOG: i think im pretty tame compared to the rest of you

JUNKRAT: OKAY MAYBE BUT THIS ISNT FAIR

ROADHOG: lifes not fair  
ROADHOG: get used to it

JUNKRAT: CAN YOU AT LEAST ORDER ME CHINESE FOOD?

ROADHOG: i guess i can do you a solid just this once

JUNKRAT: ...  
JUNKRAT: THANKS

ROADHOG: use this as inspiration to stop making messes

JUNKRAT: ...FINE

ROADHOG: im glad we could come to this agreement

___________________________

SOMBRA: jesse what the actual fuck did you do to this?

76: Not so easy now, huh?

MCCREE: i pressed a few buttons and clicked a few boxes

SOMBRA: nothing about this even makes any kind of sense

MCCREE: well yeah  
MCCREE: if it made sense they wouldve fixed it already

LUCIO: okay so let me get this straight

D.VA: straight?  
D.VA: not in overwatch

LUCIO: hilarious

TRACER: it was pretty funny!

LUCIO: so sombra  
LUCIO: the self proclaimed greatest hacker in the world  
LUCIO: cant fix a thing that was caused by jesse  
LUCIO: who is a fuck up by all definitions of the word

MCCREE: hey

GENJI: pretty much

SOMBRA: if you just give me some time i can do it

ANA: Its been like two hours how much more time do u need

SOMBRA: MORE

D.VA: give her time she can hack anything

GENJI: apparently except master

SOMBRA: LISTEN  
SOMBRA: I STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE FUCK HE DID THAT

ZENYATTA: It took several years of self-discovery.

LUCIO: apparently sombra isnt as good of a hacker as she thought

SOMBRA: i still have the videos from the pool

LUCIO: pls

TRACER: okay wait  
TRACER: if jesses the one who locked everyone out cant he just open it back up?

MCCREE: normally yes  
MCCREE: but i would have to know what i did in the first place in order to undo it

REINHARDT: I'll admit, it's impressive.  
REINHARDT: I don't know how you managed to screw up that badly.

MCCREE: me either

SOMBRA: ill get it  
SOMBRA: just have patience

WINSTON: My patience evaporated the second I initiated the recall.

D.VA: lol

___________________________

SYMMETRA: Is it safe?

HANZO: Should be.  
HANZO: I think they're all asleep at this hour.

WIDOWMAKER: I wasn't even aware they all slept.

HANZO: They usually don't.  
HANZO: Lucio especially.  
HANZO: I think he just stays up all night making music.

SYMMETRA: As long as he doesn't bother us, I don't care what he does.

WIDOWMAKER: This is a public chat, you know.  
WIDOWMAKER: They're going to be able to see whatever we say.

HANZO: I stopped caring about that long ago.

SYMMETRA: It is a bit eerie to see the chat so dry.  
SYMMETRA: Usually there's so much going on it causes my holopad to overheat.

DOOMFIST: Tell me about it.  
DOOMFIST: And I'm not even a part of Overwatch.

WIDOWMAKER: Hello Akande.

DOOMFIST: Widowmaker.  
DOOMFIST: Satya.  
DOOMFIST: Legolas.

HANZO: My name is Hanzo.

DOOMFIST: I'm well aware.  
DOOMFIST: It's just easier this way.

HANZO: I don't see how.  
HANZO: My name takes less letters to spell.

DOOMFIST: We can't fix what's already been done.

HANZO: Not true but okay.

SYMMETRA: I wasn't even aware that you knew my name.

DOOMFIST: I'm usually good with names.

WIDOWMAKER: Not if you're Hanzo, apparently.

DOOMFIST: For the record, that's not entirely my fault.

HANZO: Whose is it, then?

DOOMFIST: Moira's the one who started that.  
DOOMFIST: By the time I actually learned your name, Legolas was already imprinted in my head.

SYMMETRA: Not shocking to see that this is Moira's fault.  
SYMMETRA: Like usual.

MOIRA: Hey.

WIDOWMAKER: There she is.  
WIDOWMAKER: I was wondering when you were going to make an appearance.

MOIRA: I'm usually reading along.  
MOIRA: I just very rarely have anything to contribute.

DOOMFIST: That explains why you haven't shown up to the Board meetings in the last few weeks.

MOIRA: I get stage fright.

DOOMFIST: You didn't even need to speak.

MOIRA: It doesn't matter.

SYMMETRA: Is there anything you can do right?

MOIRA: Wow, what's this all about then?

HANZO: Well, we don't usually have time to interact with each other.

SYMMETRA: The only impression we really have of you is the stories that we hear Angela tell during dinner.

MOIRA: ...  
MOIRA: What has she been saying?

HANZO: Let's see.  
HANZO: You're annoying, intolerable, good for nothing, and she wants nothing more than to watch you get hit by a bus.  
HANZO: And a train.  
HANZO: And a meteor.  
HANZO: And then use her staff to revive you only to drown you in a pool of your own uselessness.

DOOMFIST: Well.

MOIRA: ...  
MOIRA: Does she really say that?

HANZO: Those are her exact words.  
HANZO: Ad-libbed slightly to keep the chat PG.

SYMMETRA: I can second all of that.

MOIRA: Wow.

WIDOWMAKER: It's relatively tame compared to some of the things she's said in the past.

SYMMETRA: What's the deal with you two anyway?

MOIRA: We used to date.

HANZO: Ah.

SYMMETRA: So, that makes you the clingy ex.

MOIRA: Not entirely.

DOOMFIST: Pretty much.

MOIRA: What would you know?  
MOIRA: I've never even told you about our break up.

DOOMFIST: You didn't have to.  
DOOMFIST: Sombra keeps sending me the text logs from that entire conversation.

MOIRA: SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T...

DOOMFIST: I don't know why you expected her to listen.

MOIRA: @SOMBRA  
MOIRA: LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT

SOMBRA: NOT RIGHT NOW EVIL STEP MOTHER IM BUSY

WIDOWMAKER: Are you still trying to get through the cowboy's mess?

SOMBRA: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE DID OR HOW HE DID IT AND ITS DRIVING ME NUTS FR

SYMMETRA: Jesse's not an idiot.  
SYMMETRA: Shockingly.  
SYMMETRA: Although I have no idea how he managed to stump even you.  
SYMMETRA: Hacking is kind of your forte.

HANZO: So does that mean that Jesse's a better hacker than Sombra or that Sombra just isn't a good hacker?

SOMBRA: SHUT UP  
SOMBRA: IM TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT AND NONE OF YOU ARE HELPING

DOOMFIST: Helping isn't my strong suit.

MOIRA: Isn't that the truth.  
MOIRA: I still remember the ice cream social.

DOOMFIST: I'm pretty sure I warned you ahead of time.

MOIRA: YOU CRUSHED ALL THE ICE CREAM ON PURPOSE!

DOOMFIST: I have a giant metallic fist that's capable of toppling a building.  
DOOMFIST: I don't know what you expected.

MOIRA: JUST TAKE IT OFF!

DOOMFIST: But what am I without my gauntlet?

MOIRA: MUCH MORE USEFUL!

DOOMFIST: I strongly disagree.

REAPER: **What the fuck are all of you doing up?**

HANZO: I could ask you the same question.

REAPER: **How could I not wake up with my phone going off every two seconds?**

SOMBRA: dont even act like you and jack arent cuddling in front of the tv rn

REAPER: **...We're not.**

SOMBRA: yeah i can see you through the cameras gabe  
SOMBRA: lying isnt going to work

REAPER: **WHAT CAMERAS?**  
REAPER: **THERE'S NO CAMERAS IN HERE!**

SOMBRA: you sure?  
SOMBRA: then why can i see you looking around frantically?

REAPER: **...**

SYMMETRA: Well, there goes our quiet hour.

HANZO: It was destined to happen sooner or later.  
HANZO: Honestly, I thought Winston was the one who was going to break it up.

SOMBRA: the cameras arent in the bear gabe  
SOMBRA: this isnt a cartoon

REAPER: **WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?**

SOMBRA: youll never find out

HANZO: Let's take a poll.  
HANZO: What happens first?  
HANZO: Reaper finds the camera, or Sombra undoes Jesse's hack?

SOMBRA: LISTEN

WIDOWMAKER: I don't even know at this point.  
WIDOWMAKER: We're better off guessing neither.

SOMBRA: IM GONNA FIX IT

DOOMFIST: If you haven't fixed it yet, I don't know if you ever will.

SOMBRA: I WILL NOT BE BEATEN BY A MIDDLE AGED MAN WHO DRESSES AS A COWBOY

SYMMETRA: Seems like that's already happened.

SOMBRA: FUCK OFF  
SOMBRA: THE CAMERA ISNT IN THE LIGHTS EITHER GABE FUCKS SAKE STOP

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY YOU!**

SOMBRA: GOOD LUCK  
SOMBRA: YOU CANT EVEN KISS JACK WITHOUT MISSING HIS MOUTH

MOIRA: Ew.

REAPER: _**WHERE IS THIS FUCKING CAMERA?**_

SOMBRA: YOULL NEVER FIND IT

HANZO: Well, I guess there's no point in staying here, then.  
HANZO: Good night all.

SYMMETRA: This was fun while it lasted.

SOMBRA: STILL NO

REAPER: **I SWEAR TO GOD!**

SOMBRA: GIVE UP ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN

REAPER: **I WILL END YOU!**

SOMBRA: GET IN LINE

___________________________________

MEI: What happened here?

SOMBRA: FUCKING ALL KINDS OF BULLSHIT

MCCREE: still cant get my masterpiece fixed huh?

SOMBRA: YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT AND YOU KNOW IT  
SOMBRA: I AM NOTHING SHORT OF LIVID RIGHT NOW

ANA: So does that mean im not getting copies of jacks fanfictions?

76: _ANA..._

SOMBRA: NOBODY IS GETTING SHIT UNTIL I FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX THIS FUCKING THING

MCCREE: theres no shame in just giving up

REINHARDT: Jesse, how in the world did you manage to keep Sombra out?

MCCREE: if i knew id tell you  
MCCREE: i guess i really outdid myself

GENJI: no u didnt  
GENJI: u were drunk that night  
GENJI: u prob just hit a bunch of random buttons and got lucky

MCCREE: getting lucky is still a victory genji

GENJI: if u say so

REINHARDT: Who would've thought?  
REINHARDT: Sombra is beaten by a drunk cowboy.

SOMBRA: STFU IM STILL WORKING ON IT

ANA: Just give up already ffs  
ANA: Its not gonna happen

SOMBRA: NEVER

MEI: There's no shame in admitting defeat.

SOMBRA: QUIET

LUCIO: yeah come on sombra you should be used to this  
LUCIO: youre part of talon

REAPER: **Talon has won just as much as they've lost.**

D.VA: im willing to bet anything against that

MEI: Why does something always happen when I'm gone?  
MEI: I left the chat for twenty minutes.

LUCIO: thats twenty minutes too long

WINSTON: Any second they are unsupervised is a second for potential danger to strike.

MEI: If you need me to, I can just ask Zarya to keep an eye on them.

ZARYA: Do I need to punish frog boy again?

LUCIO: please no

ZARYA: You ask for it.

LUCIO: only once and a while

76: More like all the damn time.

LUCIO: to each their own i guess

SOMBRA: WHAT THE FUCK  
SOMBRA: HOW DID THAT NOT WORK

MCCREE: just stop already  
MCCREE: youre just gonna embarrass yourself

SOMBRA: TOO LATE  
SOMBRA: I WILL SUCCEED

GENJI: kinda like how reyes succeeded in finding the camera in jacks room?

REAPER: **SILENCE!**

REINHARDT: Is that why Jack's room has been taped off?

76: I don't want to talk about it.

REAPER: **WE JUST WANTED TO WATCH A MOVIE!**

SOMBRA: WE CANT ALL GET WHAT WE WANT GABE SO DEAL WITH IT

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

________________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

ANGELA: Please tell me all those gunshots are just coming from the TV.

FAREEHA: I wish.  
FAREEHA: Reyes and Sombra kept yelling at each other and eventually it just escalated like usual.

ANGELA: Is Sombra on base?

FAREEHA: Not really.  
FAREEHA: She kept hacking the holoscreens so Reyes flipped out and started shooting them.

ANGELA: I'm glad the Medical Wing is out of the line of fire.  
ANGELA: Come join me? ;-)

FAREEHA: I really wish I could.  
FAREEHA: But I'm kind of in the middle of a war zone.

ANGELA: But I'd feel so much safer wrapped up in your arms. :(

FAREEHA: Please don't.  
FAREEHA: I feel guilty enough as it is.

ANGELA: Okay, I'll let you off the hook.  
ANGELA: Besides, I thought of something else we could do.  
ANGELA: ;-)

FAREEHA: The winky face worries me.

ANGELA: It should.  
ANGELA: Because I'm really not doing anything right now.  
ANGELA: So I can sext you all I want.

FAREEHA: Angela, I'm sitting next to Genji.  
FAREEHA: He's going to see.

ANGELA: No he won't.  
ANGELA: Trust me.

FAREEHA: Did you forget what happened the last time?

ANGELA: Sombra's distracted!  
ANGELA: She won't notice if we do it quick.

FAREEHA: Well...  
FAREEHA: Okay.  
FAREEHA: Because I have been wanting to show you something.  
FAREEHA: **attached image: forangeleyesonly.png**

SOMBRA: OH HEY LOOK THATS NICE  
SOMBRA: ITLL LOOK REALLY GOOD ON EVERY HOLOSCREEN LEFT ON BASE

FAREEHA: !!!!  
FAREEHA: SOMBRA!

ANGELA: HOW DID YOU EVEN KNOW?

SOMBRA: I HAVE EVERYTHING SET TO ALERT ME WHEN THINGS START GETTING STEAMY

FAREEHA: HOW DO YOU EVEN?

SOMBRA: BECAUSE I KNOW HOW?  
SOMBRA: IM THE BEST HACKER IN THE WORLD?

FAREEHA: I COULDN'T TELL BY THE WAY YOU'RE STRUGGLING WITH THE FUCKING EMAILS!

SOMBRA: LOOK HERE ROCKET MOM  
SOMBRA: YOUVE LEFT ME NO CHOICE

FAREEHA: DON'T FUCKING DARE!

SOMBRA: T-MINUS 10 SECONDS UNTIL SEVERE BOOPAGE

ANGELA: SOMBRA!

SOMBRA: 1  
SOMBRA: 2  
SOMBRA: SKIP A FEW 10

___________________________________________

BRIGITTE: What the actual fuck happened here?

ZENYATTA: It's...a long story.

BRIGITTE: Where the fuck did the cafeteria doors go?

ZENYATTA: I'm not entirely sure.

TRACER: we were at the store for ten minutes!

ZENYATTA: Ten minutes too long, I'm afraid.

BRIGITTE: Just.  
BRIGITTE: What?

ZENYATTA: As I mentioned, it's a long story.

TRACER: well i think we got some time now

ZENYATTA: Well, it started with Sombra and Reaper arguing.  
ZENYATTA: Followed by Reaper shooting.  
ZENYATTA: Then Fareeha and Dr. Ziegler got involved.  
ZENYATTA: And it just escalated from there.  
ZENYATTA: Some furniture was knocked over.  
ZENYATTA: I believe Jesse took his prosthetic off and began throwing it at people.  
ZANYATTA: I think I saw a goat.  
ZENYATTA: And soon enough everyone moved as one throughout the base.  
ZENYATTA: I'm not entirely sure where they went.

BRIGITTE: What the fuck is wrong with this team?

TRACER: so much luv  
TRACER: you dont even understand

ZENYATTA: Bastion and I have just been sitting here, enjoying each other's company.

BASTION: :D

BRIGITTE: ...Mind if I join you?

ZENYATTA: Of course not!  
ZENYATTA: Bastion loves having more people around to speak with.

BRIGITTE: I don't think that Omnic has ever spoken to me in my life.

ZENYATTA: There's a first time for everything.  
ZENYATTA: Sure, he's shy at first, but he can really be a chatterbox.

BRIGITTE: Well, guess I'll come join you.

BASTION: ^̮^

TRACER: can i come?

ZENYATTA: The more the merrier!

BRIGITTE: ...  
BRIGITTE: What happened to the table?

ZENYATTA: Well...

BRIGITTE: Forget it.  
BRIGITTE: I don't even want to know.  
BRIGITTE: Just tell me that Satya's okay.

ZENYATTA: She is.  
ZENYATTA: She and Hanzo escaped to their rooms before the bulk of the madness started.

BASTION: (づ￣ ³￣)づ

BRIGITTE: ...I'm afraid I don't understand.

ZENYATTA: Bastion just wants a hug.  
ZENYATTA: He's very affectionate.

TRACER: oh me first!  
TRACER: bastion gives the best hugs!

BASTION: (ᵔᴥᵔ)

BRIGITTE: I suppose this isn't the strangest day I've had here.

TRACER: you get used to it quick!

DOOMFIST: I don't know how to you get used to any of this.

BRIGITTE: If I'm being honest, I really don't either.

TRACER: it just kinda happens!

BRIGITTE: Hey, where's Orisa?

ORISA: I'm here!

TRACER: hi orisa!

ORISA: Hello Lena!

BASTION: ｡◕‿◕｡

ORISA: ◔ ⌣ ◔

DOOMFIST: Haven't heard from you in a while.

ORISA: I've been decently busy helping Mr. Lindholm in the armory.  
ORISA: Douchecanoe.

DOOMFIST: It's been close to six months.  
DOOMFIST: Why is this still happening?

ORISA: It is now a permanent part of my programming!  
ORISA: Douchecanoe.

DOOMFIST: Lovely.  
DOOMFIST: I'm just not going to acknowledge you directly.

ORISA: Whatever makes you happy.  
ORISA: Douchecanoe.

DOOMFIST: ...

BRIGITTE: So...  
BRIGITTE: What do we do now?

TRACER: i think we need to call your dad

BRIGITTE: Bad idea.  
BRIGITTE: You saw what he did for a little mess in the armory.  
BRIGITTE: For this?  
BRIGITTE: He'd bury everyone alive.

ORISA: Judging by the damage that's been done here.  
ORISA: They might deserve worse.

SOMBRA: WHAT THE FUCK

BRIGITTE: And yet she's still here.

ZENYATTA: She's not on base so I guess she avoided all the madness.

SOMBRA: I DONT UNDERSTAND

DOOMFIST: Still working on that, huh?

SOMBRA: I CANT BELIEVE THIS

ORISA: Have you tried turning off and back on again?

SOMBRA: DONT GIVE ME THAT CHILDISH BULLSHIT IM NOT HAPPY

ORISA: I meant that seriously.  
ORISA: Have you tried that?

SOMBRA: you dont actually think thats going to work, do you?

ORISA: How would you know if you haven't tried it?

SOMBRA: ...  
SOMBRA: i fucking swear

ORISA: It's a pretty helpful technique for when you're having problems.

BRIGITTE: I think I hear them coming back now.  
BRIGITTE: Unfortunately.

TRACER: the peace and quiet was fun while it lasted!

BASTION: :)

ZENYATTA: Yes, I certainly enjoyed this bonding experience we shared.

SOMBRA: OMG  
SOMBRA: IM GONNA FUCKING SHOOT MYSELF

ORISA: Does that mean it worked?

SOMBRA: IM DONE  
SOMBRA: HACKING SUCKS  
SOMBRA: 0 OUT OF 10  
SOMBRA: NEVER DOING AGAIN

DOOMFIST: We'll see about that.

SOMBRA: IM SO FUCKING SHOOK

ORISA: ...Is that good?

SOMBRA: NO

TRACER: i cant wait to see how jesse reacts to this!

____________________________

LUCIO: everything hurts

PHARAH: This is what happens.

LUCIO: i didnt even do anything

PHARAH: I don't believe you.

WINSTON: What is wrong with all of you?

REAPER: **Sombra started it.**

SOMBRA: FUCK YOU GABE I WAS JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND YOU CAME IN WITH YOUR INFERIORITY COMPLEX TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP

REAPER: **Hey.**

MERCY: All I know is that I had to intervene after Sombra kept making a scene.

SOMBRA: fucking oops

D.VA: i can never unsee that picture

PHARAH: IT WAS MEANT TO BE PRIVATE BUT YOU SEE HOW THAT WORKED!

ANA: Fareeha  
ANA: _Why?_

PHARAH: Blame Sombra.

REINHARDT: Not everything is Sombra's fault.

GENJI: yeah usually its jesses

MCCREE: mcfuck you

GENJI: see

MEI: I mean, this could technically be traced back to Jesse.

MCCREE: how?

MEI: Well, you hacked the emails and drove Sombra crazy when she tried to fix it.  
MEI: Indirectly, this can be blamed on you.

MCCREE: i dont think so

WINSTON: These things shouldn't be happening in the first place.

TRACER: yeah were not good at keeping things normal!

WINSTON: I can see that.

DOOMFIST: Is anyone dead?

D.VA: depends  
D.VA: lucio kinda got fucked up a bit but he can still breathe so i guess thats okay

LUCIO: end my suffering

GENJI: sure  
GENJI: for thirty bucks

LUCIO: im not paying you to kill me sorry

GENJI: y tho?

LUCIO: why would i pay you when i can just do it myself for free?

GENJI: because the new battlegrounds game comes out next week and i need it

LUCIO: no

D.VA: and everyone else is pretty much fine  
D.VA: except for reapers finger he got bit by something

REAPER: Where the fuck did you even get a goat?

REINHARDT: I have a pet elephant.  
REINHARDT: I don't know why you're surprised over a goat.

SOMBRA: How is patty btw?

REINHARDT: BEAUTIFUL AND HAPPY, THANK YOU!

MCCREE: did she throw up my other pair of boots yet?

REINHARDT: No.  
REINHARDT: I think those are long gone, Jesse.

MCCREE: those were my party boots

REINHARDT: Well, next time keep your door locked.

MCCREE: why is your elephant getting out and making a mess my fault?

REINHARDT: BECAUSE PATTY IS AN ANIMAL WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!

GENJI: come on shes def smarter than jesse

MCCREE: not really

ANA: I bet she would know that uranus is a planet and not a kinky sex position

MCCREE: LISTEN  
MCCREE: I WAS DRUNK  
MCCREE: WE ALL WERE

ANA: drunk or sober ur still a fucking moron

MCCREE: ...

SOMBRA: speaking of which  
SOMBRA: I FINALLY FIXED YOUR SHIT JESSE EAT A DICK

MCCREE: aw man  
MCCREE: i was hoping you wouldnt figure it out

REAPER: How did you fix it?

SOMBRA: thank the horse bot

ORISA: I'm actually a redesigned OR-15 robot.

SOMBRA: that looks like a horse

ORISA: ...

SOMBRA: ...

ORISA: Perhaps.

WINSTON: Orisa figured it out?

SOMBRA: she just told me to turn it off and back on again

LUCIO: why the fuck was that not the first thing you tried?

SOMBRA: DONT START WITH ME

HANZO: Are you all finished?

GENJI: it depends on who u ask

MERCY: We're done.  
MERCY: For the moment.

HANZO: Good.  
HANZO: Does that mean it's safe to leave my room?

D.VA: i guess

GENJI: why are u lying ur in the practice range

HANZO: ...How did you know that?

GENJI: because ur never not in the practice range

HANZO: Fair enough.  
HANZO: At least the practice range is predictable.

BRIGITTE: Is Satya with you?

SYMMETRA: I was for a time.  
SYMMETRA: When everyone disappeared into the unknown I went back to my room.

BRIGITTE: I'm glad no one hurt you.

SYMMETRA: I can handle myself.  
SYMMETRA: <3

BRIGITTE: <3

LUCIO: gay

EMILY: Wait, what happened?

MCCREE: oh hey emily

EMILY: Jesse.  
EMILY: Everyone.

ANA: Hey

REINHARDT: Hello!

GENJI: sup

LUCIO: where the fuck have you been?

EMILY: I had to go back home for a while.  
EMILY: I've been pretty busy lately.

WINSTON: It's good to hear from you, Emily.  
WINSTON: How's London?

EMILY: Same old, I guess.  
EMILY: A lot less hectic than being on base.  
EMILY: And I don't know whether I prefer it that way or not.

WINSTON: I sure could use some of that London atmosphere right now.

76: Same.

GENJI: ew no fuck london

TRACER: OI!  
TRACER: WATCH IT!

EMILY: Hey, what's wrong with London?

GENJI: jesse and i are banned from all the bars  
GENJI: and arcades  
GENJI: and hotels

MCCREE: please dont remind me of that night

EMILY: ...Do I want to ask?

MERCY: Just don't.  
MERCY: It's better left unsaid.

EMILY: Fair enough.

BRIGITTE: What the fuck went on in here?

D.VA: things

BRIGITTE: My father's going to blow a fuse when he sees this.

GENJI: u mean _if_ he sees it

REINHARDT: He will absolutely see it.

ANA: The more time it takes for him to notice the better  
ANA: That means we have more time to hide

BRIGITTE: You know that he'll find you pretty easily.

ANA: Not if im dead  
ANA: Again

LUCIO: dark af

WINSTON: No one else will dying as long as I can help it.

MCCREE: what about steve?

GENJI: yeah could u help steve?

WINSTON: ...Jack was in charge.

76: Wait a damn minute.

BRIGITTE: How do these things happen?

REAPER: If we knew, it'd be easier to prevent them from happening.

WINSTON: I'll get a few agents on clean up duty.  
WINSTON: We'll leave the rest for the the robots.

BASTION: :(

WINSTON: Of course, I don't mean you, Bastion.  
WINSTON: Just the cleaning bots.

BASTION: :D

GENJI: so what the fuck am i supposed to do until then?

76: Ligma.

D.VA: ???

PHARAH: Ligma?

GENJI: what the fuck is ligma?

ANA: JACK NO

76: Ligma fucking balls.  
76: 

LUCIO: IM FUCKING CRYING

REINHARDT: I'm quitting.

ANA: Not if i quit first

MCCREE: this conversation is dead to me

WINSTON: It's been dead to me since it started.

**User [GENJI SHIMADA] disliked a photo**

TRACER: haha genji!

D.VA: why the fuck did that just happen?

76: I'M ON A ROLL!  
76: FUCKING BOW DOWN!

TRACER: we will never bow down to you jack  
TRACER: you should know that by now

76: LET ME HAVE THIS!

MERCY: No.

SOMBRA: i did not slave over a holopad for two days for this

76: Come on, is no one going to give me credit?

MCCREE: hell no

MOIRA: For that?  
MOIRA: That was amateurish.

76: Fuck you.

REAPER: **At least you tried.**

76: Of anyone here, I expect you to be the most supportive.

REAPER: **You expect too much.**

LUCIO: yeah jack just cause youre dating doesnt mean gabe is going to be on your side for everything

76: _We're not dating!_

WIDOWMAKER: The fact that you keep denying this is frightening.

76: No one asked you.

WIDOWMAKER: No one needed to.  
WIDOWMAKER: I make that decision.

EMILY: I'm glad to see that there's still so much love here!

D.VA: are we reading the same chat?

GENJI: yeah really the only one who loves jack is reyes

REAPER: **I wouldn't go that far.**

76: WOW!

REINHARDT: Are we seeing the beginning of the second divorce?

REAPER: **Shut up...**

ANA: Hopefully nothing gets blown up this time

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [PREMIUM ROASTS COURTESTY OF CHEF JACK MORRISON]**

TORBJORN: What the fuck is going on in here?

GENJI: its a long story

ANA: Scroll up torb fucks sake  
ANA: Reading isnt hard to do

TRACER: tell that to jesse!

MCCREE: listen

TORBJORN: ...

**User [TORBJORN LINDHOLM] disliked a photo**

LUCIO: IM GONNA FUCKING CHOKE

76: Come on!  
76: That was funny!

TORBJORN: No it wasn't.  
TORBJORN: I just face-palmed so hard I knocked my brain out of my ears.

GENJI: thats unhealthy

TORBJORN: Not as unhealthy as dealing with all of you

MERCY: That's correct.  
MERCY: To an extent.

TORBJORN: And what the fuck happened to the Watchpoint?

MCCREE: there was a...colorful disagreement

SOMBRA: more like a fucking riot

ORISA: Oh, I like riots!  
ORISA: They have a lot of pretty colors and loud music!

D.VA: rave

ORISA: Oh...

BASTION: ಠ_ಠ

ORISA: (︶︹︺)

BRIGITTE: Told you he wouldn't be happy.

HANZO: He's never happy.

BRIGITTE: ...That's not wrong.

TORBJORN: And let me guess.  
TORBJORN: You expect me to repair all the damage?

GENJI: we were kinda hoping

DOOMFIST: At what point is it just not repairable?

TORBJORN: This is about as close as it gets.

ANA: If need be i can force genji and lucio to help u

ZARYA: I will use violence if necessary.

GENJI: wait a second

TORBJORN: No.  
TORBJORN: They'd just fuck it up even more.

MCCREE: we cant do all of this on our own torb

TORBJORN: We're not going to.  
TORBJORN: Luckily, I've been planning for this.

REINHARDT: Someone in Overwatch actually planned ahead?

PHARHA: Impossible.

TORBJORN: I've been working with the OR-15 to make a similar model.  
TORBJORN: One that can build and repair things instead of shooting and killing things.

MOIRA: And getting smashed to pieces by Doomfist.

DOOMFIST: Your input is not appreciated.

MOIRA: :-(

ORISA: Douchecanoe.

DOOMFIST: Please.

TORBJORN: Since I knew exactly how all of you were, I made a dozen of them for a moment just like this.

WINSTON: Have they been tested?

TORBJORN: Only marginally.  
TORBJORN: Now would be the best time to give them their first real test run.

MCCREE: better than making me do it

SOMBRA: are you sure they can even handle it?  
SOMBRA: have you seen this place?

TORBJORN: I tried not to.  
TORBJORN: But this is the best choice I have.

PHARAH: I guess it can't hurt.

GENJI: fine do it

TORBJORN: With pleasure.

MCCREE: holy shit they got here fast

TORBJORN: Just like I designed them.

TRACER: theyre actually doing a good job!

TORBJORN: That's a relief.

REINHARDT: That's the fastest I've ever seen that wall rebuilt.

LUCIO: hey why does that one have a gun?

TORBJORN: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention.  
TORBJORN: I also designed them to attack Genji and Lucio on sight.

GENJI: UM WTF WHY?

TORBJORN: You both displease me.

LUCIO: HOLY SHIT ITS GOT A FUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER

GENJI: RUN LIKE HELL

_________________________________

GENJI: THAT THING BARELY MISSED MY FUCKING HEAD

TORBJORN: That's a shame.  
TORBJORN: I thought they'd have better accuracy.

LUCIO: SOMEONE STOP IT

WINSTON: _You're making a bigger mess._

TORBJORN: They'll clean it up.  
TORBJORN: It's what they were programmed for.

ORISA: Mr. Lindholm, could you install a rocket launcher on me?

TORBJORN: Hmmm.  
TORBJORN: I guess I owe you for your help.  
TORBJORN: I'll see what I can do.

ORISA: (◠‿◠)

GENJI: FUCK

MCCREE: idk if i love or hate this thing

TRACER: both!

EMILY: Is there no end to how bad things can get here?

WINSTON: At this point, I don't think so.

76: This is what happens when you don't laugh at my roasts.

TORBJORN: If you keep this up, I'm going to add your biometrics to their targeting list.

76: ...

REAPER: **Do it.**

76: _I thought you loved me..._

D.VA: you two seriously have the most bipolar relationship ever

ANA: Thats what happens when u try and blow each other up

LUCIO: SOMBRA CANT YOU STOP THEM?

SOMBRA: i could  
SOMBRA: but what fun would that be?

LUCIO: ITS NOT GONNA BE FUN WHEN IM DEAD

SOMBRA: dont be so sure

BRIGITTE: Do you regret your actions now?

GENJI: ALWAYS

MERCY: He says that, but he won't learn for the next time.

GENJI: ITS A CRUEL LIFE

TRACER: hey i just got a fun idea

WINSTON: Lena, please.

TRACER: ana you should nano boost the robots!

ANA: ...

WINSTON: No!

76: Don't you fucking dare.

ANA: ...  
ANA: UR POWERED UP

76: _ANA..._

ANA: _**GET IN THERE**_

_______________________________________

LUCIO: i am experiencing levels of pain that should not be possible

ANA: That was the best idea ever

GENJI: has anyone seen my other foot?

REINHARDT: It's probably buried in the rubble that was once the gazebo.

WINSTON: Why did I ever ask any of you to come back?  
WINSTON: The Watchpoint was so calm when it was just me here.

MCCREE: you missed us

WINSTON: For a time.  
WINSTON: But now I realize how stupid I was.

TRACER: aw dont be so hard on yourself  
TRACER: we still love you!

WINSTON: I'm feeling the love.

LUCIO: im feeling nothing but pain

TORBJORN: The project was a resounding success.

PHARAH: How?  
PHARAH: They created a bigger mess.

TORBJORN: Minor setback.

GENJI: why exactly did i deserve this?

TORBJORN: I still haven't forgiven you for destroying the armory.

GENJI: LENA AND HANA HELPED

TORBJORN: I don't recall.

D.VA: well this has been a fun day

LUCIO: speak for yourself

DOOMFIST: If that's what you consider fun, I'm afraid to see what boring would be.

MOIRA: That's easy.  
MOIRA: Look in the mirror.

DOOMFIST: I'll kill you.

MOIRA: Okay, fine.

MCCREE: so now what?

REINHARDT: Well, now we wait.  
REINHARDT: Firstly to see if Genji and Lucio survive.  
REINHARDT: Then we just pray that the robots can actually repair things like Torbjorn says they can.  
REINHARDT: Otherwise we'll be shopping for another base.

D.VA: we should move to south korea

MCCREE: hell no move to the us

WINSTON: The only place I'm going to move any of you is to the bottom of a crater.  
WINSTON: And then fill it with dirt so I bury you and the rest of my failures where no one can find them.

DOOMFIST: ...Well.

ANA: Lets do it

JUNKRAT: YEAH I LOVE DIRT

WINSTON: You all make me sad.

MCCREE: thats the idea

WINSTON: Get better ones.

ANA: Lol nah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 50 whole chapters come and gone. I still really can't believe it. The overwhelming support you guys have shown me since the very first chapter was posted has been amazing! Seeing your comments makes my day, and knowing that you're all having just as much fun reading this as I am writing it puts a smile on my face. I still have no set end date for this, so I'm just gonna keep trucking along and see where it takes us. I can't thank you all enough for coming and reading this over and over again, and I hope this super deluxe mega chapter was all you hoped it would be!


	51. a megachapter part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk this probably isn't long enough to qualify as a mega-chapter but I haven't had as much time as I would've liked to write this week. Anyway, here! Enjoy this surprise disaster!

**1-14-20XX**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

MCCREE: im fucking crying

MORRISON: Why do you do the things you do?

LIAO: hey man its an honest question

WINSTON: Cat girls aren't real, Liao.

LIAO: YEAH NO SHIT  
LIAO: YOU WONT MAKE ME ONE

MORRISON: What would be the point?

LIAO: um so i can have a cat girl?

MORRISON: Why?  
MORRISON: Getting rejected by normal girls isn't enough for you?

LIAO: WOW

MCCREE: omg thats it  
MCCREE: my lungs are gonna burst  
MCCREE: just buy me a coffin already

LIAO: OF ALL THE FUCKING THINGS  
LIAO: THIS IS JUST MEAN

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

ANA: My roast senses are tingling  
ANA: Who ruined who?

MCCREE: jack

WINSTON: Obliterated Liao.

ANA: ...  
ANA: Haha very funny  
ANA: Now what really happened?

MCCREE: im not kidding captain scroll up

ANA: ...  
ANA: What the fuck did i just see?

KIMIKO: Wow Liao, you got told.

LIAO: ALL I WANT IS MY OWN CAT GIRL I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS

KIMIKO: I thought we already decided that breeding things that don't exist is a bad idea.

MORRISON: Yeah, I still remember the last time.

LIAO: LISTEN

MCCREE: WE THOUGHT UNICORNS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDLY

KIMIKO: So did Gerard.  
KIMIKO: Until he was on the receiving end of a horn.

WINSTON: Two more inches to the left and we would've had a funeral on base.

MCCREE: meh

ANA: Honestly tho how the fuck did the three of u pull that off?

LIAO: luck

MCCREE: stupidity

LIAO: a combo of both

MORRISON: Unbelievable.

LIAO: hey dont blame us genji made it

WINSTON: ...How?

MCCREE: fuck if we know we just wanted to ride it

KIMIKO: I think you riding it is what set it off so much.

LIAO: debatable

MCCREE: hey listen at least we took care of the problem

MORRISON: After it destroyed half the base in a rage.

WINSTON: And almost killed Gerard.

LIAO: but hey look at it this way  
LIAO: who else can say they have a unicorns head mounted on their wall?

MORRISON: That wasn't the point of this conversation at all.

MCCREE: indifferent

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

GENJI: whatd i miss?

MCCREE: liaos death

GENJI: fuck  
GENJI: i was waiting for like three years to see that

LIAO: uh im still here

ANA: Thats a shame

GENJI: yeah really

LIAO: youre all bullies

KIMIKO: It comes with the territory.

LIAO: at least reinhardt likes me

REINHARDT: Have I ever said or done anything that made you think that's true?

LIAO: ...  
LIAO: i dont need this

GENJI: apparently you need a catgirl tho

LIAO: i dont even think i want that anymore

GENJI: i mean if u can get me back into the lab im pretty sure i can somehow figure out how to do it

WINSTON: If I see you back in the lab without permission, I'm throwing out your stuffed animals.

GENJI: NO LEAVE CHUCKLES AND CHEWY ALONE

MORRISON: I thought you had three.

GENJI: i did  
GENJI: until jesse and i got really drunk one night and im pretty sure i threw him in the fireplace

KIMIKO: Why?

GENJI: idk i was drunk  
GENJI: i dont even remember what happened next

MCCREE: i do  
MCCREE: you realized what you did and jumped in after it  
MCCREE: thats why the fire alarm went off that night

REINHARDT: I thought that was because of Torbjorn blowing something up in the armory.

MCCREE: nope that was because i had to break the fire panel to grab the extinguisher  
MCCREE: otherwise im pretty sure genji wouldve melted

GENJI: i think id be better off

ANA: We all would

GENJI: rude

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

REYES: Where the fuck are all of you?

GENJI: hell

LIAO: the nile river

MCCREE: a different ethereal plane

REYES: I don't give a shit where you three idiots are.  
REYES: I'm asking about the real members.

LIAO: hey im a founding member

REYES: Act like it once in a while.

KIMIKO: Why, do you need something?

REYES: I can't find my sneakers.

ANA: And we care why?

REYES: Because one of you cleaned the closet and moved them.

REINHARDT: ...Oh.

REYES: Reinhardt...

ANA: Lmao this is gonna be good

REINHARDT: You see...  
REINHARDT: About that...

REYES: What did you do to my shoes?

REINHARDT: Gabe, before you get upset.  
REINHARDT: This was an accident.  
REINHARDT: **attached image: someoneneedsanewpairofshoes**

REYES: ...

GENJI: jesus fucking christ

KIMIKO: How?

ANA: 

LIAO: 

MORRISON: You're both fired.

LIAO: worth it

MCCREE: i just fucking choked on my coffee

GENJI: why r u drinking coffee its like two in the afternoon

MCCREE: do i need a reason to drink coffee?

KIMIKO: Wait, where did you get coffee?

ANA: Yeah didnt lena break the coffee machine?

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

TRACER: hey that wasnt my fault!

REYES: Bullshit.

MCCREE: you know theres this amazing concept called going out and buying some

MORRISON: Why didn't you buy enough for the rest of the base?

MCCREE: have you seen my paycheck?  
MCCREE: i was lucky enough to afford one for me

LIAO: yeah seriously why dont we get paid more?

WINSTON: Take it up with Human Resources.

LIAO: does that mean i have to talk to greg?

REYES: Well, Greg's the HR Manager so probably.

LIAO: fuck i hate greg

MCCREE: we all hate greg

MORRISON: What's wrong with Greg?

KIMIKO: Jack, don't start.

ANA: Yeah we all know that u hate him too

MORRISON: ...Okay, so?  
MORRISON: Can we at least try and get along with him?

LIAO: oh yeah sure  
LIAO: until he starts bringing up how destructive i am and how much trouble im causing for the organization  
LIAO: like greg  
LIAO: im a founding member and youre a piece of shit so suck my dick

GENJI: seriously how did we get stuck with someone like him?  
GENJI: r u telling me there was no better option?

WINSTON: He was the most qualified.

ANA: Idc hes a dick

TRACER: how come he makes more money than i do?

WINSTON: Lena, can we not do this right now?

REYES: I still need a pair of sneakers.

KIMIKO: Go buy some.  
KIMIKO: You heard Jesse.

REYES: I'm not spending my hard earned money on shoes that I'm sure will be destroyed by someone else by the end of the week.

REINHARDT: Put it on the company card then.

REYES: I can't.

MORRISON: Why?

REYES: Greg confiscated it from us.  
REYES: For, in his words.  
REYES: "Excessive spending on unnecessary objects."

ANA: @LIAO  
ANA: @JESSE  
ANA: @GENJI

LIAO: hey say what you want  
LIAO: i didnt see any of you complaining when you were relaxing in that hot tub

MCCREE: you tried to drown me

LIAO: i have no idea what you mean

GENJI: well reyes looks like ur shit out of luck

REYES: I can't go out jogging with no shoes.

GENJI: i disagree

MCCREE: just take the money from greg

WINSTON: That is a terrible idea.

REYES: No, I actually like that.

TRACER: yeah he wont notice if a few bucks go missing

REYES: I'll go kill Greg and steal his wallet.

WINSTON: _Reyes, don't._

MCCREE: that wasnt what i meant  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: REYES ANSWER THE PHONE YOU SACK OF SHIT

_________________________________

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

MERCY: Why?

REYES: I needed new sneakers.

MERCY: That's not a valid excuse.

REYES: I'm in charge.  
REYES: I decide what's valid.

GENJI: actually jacks in charge

REYES: Shut your mouth.

MORRISON: Reyes can be in charge if he wants.

MCCREE: how are we ever going to win anything on this base with you two being so gay?

REYES: That's the point.  
REYES: You won't.

MERCY: Reyes, this wasn't needed.

REYES: Hey, he had it coming.

KIMIKO: He really did.

LIAO: yeah fuck you greg

MERCY: Look, I know that Greg is certainly less...  
MERCY: Tolerable.  
MERCY: Than most other people.

REINHARDT: Severe understatement.

MERCY: But, we need to treat him with respect because he is a part of the team.

ANA: Yeah no

LACROIX: Respect must be earned before it can be given, Angela.  
LACROIX: And Greg has not earned any respect from any of us.

MERCY: Must violence always be the solution?

ANA: In this case yes

REYES: I'm going to buy another pair of sneakers.  
REYES: Anyone else want anything?

TRACER: get us pizza!

REYES: I'm not buying any more pizza.

GENJI: but y?

REYES: Not after the last time.

REINHARDT: We were hungry, Gabe.  
REINHARDT: You can't blame us for that.

REYES: When normal people are hungry, they don't start breaking windows.

LIAO: are you sure?

MCCREE: yeah have you ever been in a public setting before?

REYES: Not as much as I wish I could be.

MCCREE: at least you dont have a bounty on your head

MIREMBE: You just went out to Starbucks to buy a cup of coffee and you're complaining about a bounty?

MCCREE: hey im pretty sure the barista recognized me  
MCCREE: there were a bunch of cop cars driving towards it when i left

GENJI: was she hot tho?

MCCREE: well she was a guy so

REYES: Was he hot?

MORRISON: Gabe...

REYES: Relax, I'm joking.

MORRISON: <3

REYES: <3

REINHARDT: Gay.

MORRISON: I'll kill you.

REINHARDT: I doubt it but good luck.

MERCY: No more violence.  
MERCY: At least not until I'm done with Greg.

GENJI: u can let him die  
GENJI: he wont be missed

MERCY: He has a wife and three kids so yes he most certainly would be missed.

LIAO: i refuse to believe that anyone liked gregs combover and trousers enough to allow him to put three kids in them

ANA: Everyone finds someone liao

GENJI: except jesse

MCCREE: fuck you  
MCCREE: why dont you tell me about your love life?

GENJI: i cant  
GENJI: its not for the faint of heart

MIREMBE: Spare me.

WINSTON: Is Greg going to be okay, Angela?

MERCY: He's fine.  
MERCY: You wouldn't know because he's blubbering like a baby.  
MERCY: But it's just a little ankle sprain.

REYES: I should've done worse.

ANA: Dont we wish u did

MORRISON: What the fuck happened in the cafeteria?

GENJI: FUCK

MCCREE: YOU SAID HE WOULDNT FIND OUT

MORRISON: What?  
MORRISON: WAIT THIS WAS YOU?

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: ...NO

ANA: Lmao ive gotta see this

WINSTON: Why?  
WINSTON: Why is it always you two?

MCCREE: I DIDNT DO ANYTHING  
MCCREE: IT WAS ALL GENJI  
MCCREE: AND A LITTLE BIT OF LENA

TRACER: NO IT WASNT

LACROIX: What are we going to do with you?

GENJI: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

MCCREE: IT SAYS ON THE FUCKING BOX  
MCCREE: WARNING HIGHLY COMBUSTABLE

GENJI: SINCE WHEN ARE FRUIT LOOPS HIGHLY COMBUSTABLE?  
GENJI: WHAT ARE WE FILLING THEM WITH DYNAMITE NOW?  
GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH KELLOGGS?

REINHARDT: You are the only person in the world who can cause a breakfast cereal to explode.

GENJI: ALL I DID WAS POUR MILK INTO IT

MERCY: Why?  
MERCY: You can't have cereal with milk, you'll short circuit.

GENJI: I DONT CARE  
GENJI: LIFE ISNT WORTH LIVING IF I HAVE TO EAT CEREAL DRY

MORRISON: Eating cereal dry is not nearly as bad as you all make it out to be.

GENJI: FUCK OFF JACK  
GENJI: JUST BECAUSE UR NOT NORMAL DOESNT MEAN THE REST OF US HAVE TO BE

WINSTON: The rest of you are far from normal.

GENJI: AT LEAST I PUT MY CEREAL IN FIRST

MCCREE: yeah seriously jack  
MCCREE: thats some serial killer shit

MORRISON: That's the way I've been doing it my whole life.

LIAO: youre lucky we dont tell the un cause you could lose your job over that treason

LACROIX: Why do you all only eat cereal?

LIAO: PROB BECAUSE WERE NOT ALL SNOBBY RICH FRENCH PEOPLE WHO CAN JUST BUY BREAKFAST FROM IHOP EVERY DAY

TRACER: *ihob

ANA: Fucking stop that

REINHARDT: That wasn't funny when it was happening.  
REINHARDT: It's even less funny now.

LACROIX: I don't buy breakfast every day.  
LACROIX: I often make some here as well.

LIAO: and you dont share because why?

LACROIX: What have you done for me lately?  
LACROIX: Besides making a unicorn that almost killed me.

GENJI: LOOK

MCCREE: WE THOUGHT IT WAS FRIENDLY

LACROIX: It sure seemed friendly, didn't it?

LIAO: you know what fuck you  
LIAO: go back to ihop

TRACER: *ihob

ANA: LENA FUCKING STOP

KIMIKO: Okay seriously, who goes to Ihop and thinks, "Hey, I want to get a burger?"

MCCREE: probably greg

GENJI: def greg

LIAO: yeah fuck you greg

MERCY: Can you all do me a favor and stop talking about Greg?

MIREMBE: Wishful thinking, Angela.

REYES: It's not my fault Greg's a douche.

MERCY: It is your fault that he's in the medical wing right now, however.

REYES: If I was any meaner, he would be in the morgue instead.

MERCY: That's not any better.

MORRISON: Can we stop changing the subject and explain to me what happened to the cafeteria?

MCCREE: we already explained this jack fucks sake

MORRISON: You didn't explain it well enough.

GENJI: we did  
GENJI: u just didnt understand because ur a neanderthal who pours his milk in before his cereal

MORRISON: Hey.

REYES: Yeah seriously, who does that?

MORRISON: Now you're going to start with me too?

REYES: It wouldn't be a healthy relationship if I didn't.

MORRISON: I beg to differ.

MIREMBE: Get a room.

ANA: Preferably one that we can bury under concrete

MORRISON: Why are you all like this?

REINHARDT: You tell us.  
REINHARDT: You're the one who hired us.

MORRISON: I wish I didn't.

KIMIKO: So do we.  
KIMIKO: Instead, we're stuck here with you.

MORRISON: I don't deserve this.

WINSTON: He's right.

LIAO: yeah he deserves so much worse

WINSTON: _Liao..._

LACROIX: Oh, relax.  
LACROIX: Taking jabs at each other is a good way to build team camaraderie.

MORRISON: This isn't taking jabs.  
MORRISON: This is using me as a punching bag.

LACROIX: It's all relative.

LIAO: come on jack youre kinda used to being a punching bag

GENJI: yeah i heard reyes likes to spank u for being a bad boy

MORRISON: !!!

MCCREE: *currently vomiting all over my everything*

MIREMBE: I could've gone my whole life without ever hearing that.

ANA: Ew wtf

REINHARDT: _Just why?_

MERCY: _SOME THINGS CAN BE LEFT UNSAID, YOU KNOW!_

GENJI: there are no secrets here

WINSTON: Can we stop this?  
WINSTON: Mental bleach is not yet a thing.

TRACER: but real bleach is!  
TRACER: and im currently ingesting all of it so bye!

KIMIKO: Is it true, Reyes?

REYES: No comment.

GENJI: kinky

REYES: Suck my dick.

LIAO: thats jacks job isnt it?

REYES: **Fuck you.**

ANA: Do u even really want genji sucking ur dick?  
ANA: I dont even think he has a mouth

GENJI: well i do  
GENJI: its just hidden under my mask

MCCREE: is that how you eat?

GENJI: yes jesse most people eat with their mouths

LIAO: yeah but is your mouth really even in good enough shape for sucking dick?

WINSTON: Why is this happening?

GENJI: is there a wrong shape to be in for sucking dick?

MCCREE: well normally you need a working mouth to suck dick

GENJI: my mouth works  
GENJI: its just hidden under my mask because im horribly disfigured

MIREMBE: Why are you still talking about this?

MERCY: I think they're ignoring us.

REINHARDT: Pretty much.

LIAO: i mean you can always give a handjob instead

MCCREE: i think thatd be worse

TRACER: yeah his hands are metal!

ANA: Thatd lead to some horrible chafing

LIAO: DEAD

GENJI: well it kinda depends

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [WINSTON WHY HAVEN'T YOU GENETICALLY BRED ME A CAT GIRL YET?]**

GENJI: i mean i could probably give like a superhuman hand job with my cyborg hands  
GENJI: OH SHIT WAIT

TORBJORN: What the actual fuck?

TRACER: LMAO!

LIAO: wait why did he join the chat he never joins the chat

TORBJORN: What the fuck is going on here?

MCCREE: you dont wanna know

KIMIKO: What are you doing here?

TORBJORN: I was going ask why it looked like a bomb went off in the cafeteria, but instead I ended up walking in on this fuckery.

ANA: Idk why this surprises u this chat is basically the living embodiment of fuckery

TORBJORN: Don't you all have something you should be doing?

GENJI: not really

TRACER: nope

MERCY: I'm already doing something.

LIAO: yeah so is reyes  
LIAO: spoiler alert its jack

REYES: Shut the fuck up.

TORBJORN: Angela, what are you doing at this hour?

MERCY: Helping Greg.

TORBJORN: What happened to Greg?

MERCY: Ask Reyes.

REYES: I beat him about the face, neck, chest, and head.

TORBJORN: Good, fuck Greg.

ANA: HA

MCCREE: see everyone hates greg

WINSTON: If everyone hated him, why did none of you say anything?

GENJI: i dont like talking to people

MIREMBE: Could've fooled me with the way you act around here.

GENJI: im a troubled child

LACROIX: Yes, you most certainly are.

TORBJORN: So, I reiterate.  
TORBJORN: What happened to the cafeteria?

GENJI: i poured milk into my cereal

TORBJORN: ???

MCCREE: and then everything exploded  
MCCREE: idk how it happened either

TORBJORN: ...

REINHARDT: Nothing on this base makes sense anymore.

TORBJORN: I just wanted a protein bar, I don't need this.

MORRISON: We don't need any of this.

TORBJORN: This is what happens when you pour your milk in first.

LIAO: HA

GENJI: EAT IT JACK

MORRISON: Are you kidding me?

TORBJORN: Not at all.  
TORBJORN: That's an offense punishable by death.

LACROIX: Why is no one on this base normal anymore?

ANA: Idk gerard ur kinda the only normal one here

LACROIX: é  
LACROIX: And I'm not normal because I've gone insane being around all of you.

MIREMBE: Likewise.

MERCY: And to think people actually count on us to save the world.

LIAO: come on thats like the only thing we do well

REINHARDT: He has a point.

MORRISON: No he doesn't.

ANA: Hey as long as we win and no one dies its a success

MERCY: Not really.

GENJI: u dont even do anything but heal and complain about hurting people

MERCY: Violence isn't always the answer.

LACROIX: Tell that to Genji after he put chili in your coffee that one time.

MERCY: _DON'T MESS WITH A DOCTOR'S COFFEE._

GENJI: i deserved that

MCCREE: then whyd you do it a second time?

GENJI: knowing that i deserved it doesnt mean that i learned from it

REYES: Why did I let you into Blackwatch again?

GENJI: because no one else would take me and u have too big of a heart to leave me out on the streets

MORRISON: That's not the only big thing he has.

MCCREE: *Vomiting*

LACROIX: _Why?_

ANA: Jack seriously just go away

GENJI: who are u and what have u done with jack?

WINSTON: I'm just going to start removing you all from this chat.

MIREMBE: Please.

GENJI: go ahead ill just make another one

KIMIKO: I pray for death.

LIAO: same

TORBJORN: Now I remember why I never join this chat.

GENJI: u love us

TORBJORN: I hate every single one of you.

MCCREE: mcfucking rude

TORBJORN: Especially you.

MCCREE: wow okay

LIAO: rip jesse

MCCREE: fucking die

LIAO: i wish i could

REINHARDT: That can be arranged.  
REINHARDT: Just say the magic words.

LIAO: please?

REINHARDT: No, not that magic word.

MERCY: No death.  
MERCY: I'm not done with Greg yet.

MCCREE: seriously just let him die no one likes him

LIAO: whats the magic word?

KIMIKO: Reinhardt, please.

REINHARDT: _HAMMER MY BACKSIDE, DADDY!_

GENJI: im dying

TRACER: hahahaha!

TORBJORN: I really wish this organization would just blow up and cease to exist.

MIREMBE: Don't we all?

LIAO: ...

REYES: LIAO DON'T FUCKING DO IT!

LIAO: HAMMER MY BACKSIDE, DADDY!

GENJI: IM GONNA FUCKING CHOKE

REINHARDT: _I SHALL GRANT YOUR REQUEST, MY CHILD!_

WINSTON: _REINHARDT, STOP!_

_________________________

LIAO: my legs

REINHARDT: _I MISSED!_

TRACER: lmao how?

ANA: Yeah seriously ur hammers bigger than a planet

MERCY: THAT'S ENOUGH!

REINHARDT: _I HAVE BEEN CALLED!_  
REINHARDT: _I MUST ANSWER!_

LIAO: end me daddy

REINHARDT: _I AM DOING MY BEST, MY SON!_

MCCREE: why is this happening?

GENJI: liao said the magic words

REYES: Looks like Greg's getting a roommate for a little bit.

LIAO: NO ANYTHING BUT THAT

MERCY: _I'm going to strangle all of you..._

KIMIKO: _"Must violence always be the solution?"_

MERCY: _Fuck you!_

MORRISON: I'm disbanding Overwatch.

WINSTON: Please do.  
WINSTON: Save me from the trouble.

LACROIX: How are we ever going to properly re-integrate into society after spending all this time here?

MIREMBE: It'll be more difficult for some of us.

LIAO: kill me father

REINHARDT: _REQUEST GRANTED!_

MERCY: _I SWEAR TO GOD!_

_____________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

LIAO: so  
LIAO: no hard feelings?

GREG: I fucking hate all of you.

LIAO: is that a maybe?

GREG: I wish Reinhardt killed you.

LIAO: BOY SO DO I  
LIAO: THEN I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH A SHITTY ROOMMATE LIKE YOU

GREG: I'M RESCINDING ALL YOUR PAYCHECKS!

LIAO: ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

GREG: NO YOU WON'T.  
GREG: I'LL GET YOU FIRED!

LIAO: GOOD LUCK  
LIAO: IM A FOUNDING MEMBER  
LIAO: YOURE A COCK

GREG: LOSE THIS NUMBER, ASSHOLE!

LIAO: NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER

___________________________

GENJI: are  
GENJI: u  
GENJI: done?

REINHARDT: I guess I am.  
REINHARDT: I can't get in to the medical wing.

MERCY: Good.

LIAO: hey angela i think im gonna choke greg with his bedsheets

MERCY: _DON'T PUSH IT._

WINSTON: Why do these things always happen?

LACROIX: I think it was part of the job description.

MORRISON: No it wasn't.

KIMIKO: Well, it should be.  
KIMIKO: The rookies should know what they're getting into.

MIREMBE: If they did, no one would apply for the job.

REYES: Maybe we'd be better off, then.

MIREMBE: We wouldn't.

TORBJORN: We'd be better off just leaving and pretending Overwatch never existed.

REINHARDT: Agreed.

MORRISON: Okay, so what the fuck are we going to do with the cafeteria?

GENJI: burn it

MCCREE: sell it

REINHARDT: Push it somewhere else.

ANA: If u make one more spongebob reference ill kill u with ur own hammer

REINHARDT: GOOD LUCK!  
REINHARDT: YOU CAN'T EVEN LIFT IT!

ANA: TRY ME FUCKER

WINSTON: _ENOUGH!_

REYES: Why did I agree to join this organization?

GENJI: prob because no one else wanted u

REYES: **SILENCE!**

LIAO: hey am i allowed to collect disability now that reinhardt maimed me?

WINSTON: Ask Greg.

LIAO: NO FUCK GREG I HOPE HE FUCKING DIES

GREG: FUCK YOU LIAO!  
GREG: YOU'RE ADOPTED!

LIAO: YEAH JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER  
LIAO: DID YOU TELL HIM YET?

GREG: FUCK YOU!

MERCY: PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN!

GENJI: this is exactly why greg needs to be fired

WINSTON: This is exactly why you all need to be put in straitjackets and locked in a padded room.

MCCREE: DO IT

KIMIKO: NO BALLS!

WINSTON: Why are you all like this?

MCCREE: if were not who will be?

WINSTON: Hopefully no one.

TRACER: you love us!

WINSTON: Don't bet on it.


	52. puns have no place in overwatch

TRACER: HEY ANA REMEMBER THAT POSTER IN THE COMMON ROOM YOU LOVED SO MUCH BECAUSE IT REALLY DOESNG:LASDKJHGLKEGL:JSDFGJKL

GENJI: lmao wut?

REINHARDT: What's going on?

D.VA: NOTHING  
D.VA: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IS HAPPENING  
D.VA: EVERYTHING IS BORING LIKE USUAL

MCCREE: hey

LUCIO: this place isnt that boring

D.VA: YES IT IS  
D.VA: JUST LIKE IT IS RIGHT NOW WITH NOTHING ELSE GOING ON

LUCIO: i dont understand

MCCREE: when do you ever understand?

LUCIO: hey

76: What are you doing?

D.VA: NOTHING

GENJI: i dont believe u

MCCREE: are we all just going to ignore the fact that lena just had a stroke and died?

LUCIO: she can recall shes fine

MERCY: The recall doesn't work like that.

LUCIO: what would you know?  
LUCIO: you didnt make the accelerator

MERCY: I'm far more knowledgeable about the topic than you are.

LUCIO: that doesnt make you an expert

MERCY: I...  
MERCY: What?

WINSTON: What exactly is happening here?

MCCREE: unsure  
MCCREE: weve been trying to find out for the past few minutes with no luck

REINHARDT: Lena started saying something and then I guess she threw her communicator down the stairs because a bunch of random letters popped up.

SOMBRA: that was from hana attacking her

76: Excuse me?

D.VA: BABE NO

SOMBRA: UH I MEAN NOTHING  
SOMBRA: LENA DROPPED THE COMMUNICATOR  
SOMBRA: KLUTZY OLD LENA

WINSTON: Please, just elaborate a little bit.

D.VA: before i say anything i need to know where ana is

MCCREE: lets check  
MCCREE: @ANA

D.VA: JESSE WAIT

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES A PUN GETS ANALLY VIOLATED BY REINHARDT'S HAMMER]**

ANA: Someone called?

MCCREE: tis i

ANA: Ew i thought i blocked u

MCCREE: why are you this way?

ANA: Idk u bother me

MCCREE: what did i do?

ANA: Once again  
ANA: Idk  
ANA: But u bother me

LUCIO: rekted

ANA: Okay fr tho whats happening?

GENJI: idk hana just wanted to know where u were

ANA: im currently in a state of clinical depression

LUCIO: same

ANA: Anyway whats up hana?

D.VA: NOTHING  
D.VA: EVERYTHING IS FINE

ANA: ...  
ANA: Well sounds okay to me

REINHARDT: It didn't sound okay before you got here.

TRACER: ANA HANA RIPPED THE POSTER IN THE COMMON ROOM DLGJNDGHESFJHKLEHGVKLED

D.VA: NOOOOOOO

ANA: ...

MCCREE: OH FUCKING SHIT

REINHARDT: PRAY FOR MERCY!

MERCY: I'm not helping.

REINHARDT: _I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!_

ANA: THAT  
ANA: WAS  
ANA: MY FAVORITE  
ANA: POSTER

GENJI: it was a poster of two dogs fucking why did u like it so much?

ROADHOG: ive been meaning to ask why the fuck that was hanging up in the common room

MCCREE: anas a sick fuck

ANA: IT WAS SENTIMENTAL

76: I think you need to look up the definition of that word.

ANA: HOW COULD U DO THIS?

HANA: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

ANA: SO WERE U

LUCIO: rekted

GENJI: come on weve heard that one too many times

MCCREE: yeah really come up with something better

ANA: WHY HAVE U DONE THIS TO ME?

D.VA: IM SORRY  
D.VA: LENA TOOK MY CONTROLLER SO I STARTED CHASING HER WITH SCISSORS AND THEN WHEN I SWUNG AT HER I ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE POSTER

REINHARDT: Were you actually trying to stab her?

D.VA: ...NO

MCCREE: thats a yes

ANA: I BOUGHT THAT POSTER AT COMIC CON

GENJI: why?

ANA: BECAUSE ITS VULGAR AND DISGUSTING AND STUFF LIKE THAT IS THE ONLY REASON I STILL ENJOY LIVING

LUCIO: i dont

GENJI: me either

ANA: AFTER THIS I WILL JOIN U TWO

D.VA: HOLD ON  
D.VA: LETS TALK ABOUT THIS

ANA: TALKING IS FOR THE WEAK  
ANA: IM COMING FOR UR BUTT

SOMBRA: thats mine  
SOMBRA: i even branded it

MCCREE: ew

GENJI: tmi pls

REINHARDT: Am I the only one still disturbed by the fact that Hana was seriously going to stab Lena over a controller?

WINSTON: No, but I think that's the last thing we need to worry about right now.

D.VA: I WAS ABOUT TO BEAT THE NAMELESS KING  
D.VA: SHE MADE ME DIE  
D.VA: IVE BEEN STRUGGLING FOR LIKE TWO WEEKS

REINHARDT: Ah yes, back when video games were actually difficult and you couldn't buy your way to the top.

LUCIO: dark souls sucks

D.VA: THATS JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO KEEP YOURSELF ALIVE

LUCIO: or because that game is just horribly made

D.VA: BEG TO DIFFER

ROADHOG: hey i like dark souls

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: ...

WINSTON: ...

D.VA: YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES?

ROADHOG: i dabble

JUNKRAT: HES AMAZING  
JUNKRAT: I WATCHED HIM BEAT SUPER MEAT BOY WITHOUT DYING

D.VA: ...  
D.VA: thats impossible

ROADHOG: not really  
ROADHOG: youre just bad

D.VA: I AM NOT  
D.VA: IM RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE WORLD

ROADHOG: at being bad

D.VA: FUCK YOU

GENJI: man hanas getting beaten from all sides today

MCCREE: thats hot

SOMBRA: hands off cowboy

MCCREE: trust me im not interested

SOMBRA: good

ANA: HANA U BETTER RUN BECAUSE IM COMING AFTER U

D.VA: FUCK

**[HANA "D.VA" SONG] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON TO MAKE A PUN GETS ANALLY VIOLATED BY REINHARDT'S HAMMER]**

ANA: UR MINE

**[ANA AMARI] went idle**

MCCREE: well

GENJI: shes gonna die

LUCIO: prob

WINSTON: Can we go one day without killing someone?

GENJI: idk  
GENJI: lets ask  
GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: Please stop this.

GENJI: hey were just asking a question

HANZO: I seem to recall that you rarely ever ask important questions.

GENJI: hey my hot dog question was pretty important

HANZO: It was the stupidest question I think you've ever asked me.

REINHARDT: What was the question?

HANZO: Genji.

GENJI: why do hot dogs come in packs of ten but buns come in packs of eight?

LUCIO: YOOOOO  
LUCIO: THATS A SERIOUS QUESTION MAN I NEED TO KNOW

GENJI: see?

HANZO: Having your moronic friends agree doesn't make the question any more legitimate.

WINSTON: I can't believe this.

MCCREE: i think its a pretty good question

HANZO: It's stupid.

GENJI: so whats the answer then smart ass?

HANZO: I don't have time for this.

GENJI: _u dont know do u?_

HANZO: _STOP PATRONIZING ME!_

REINHARDT: So he doesn't know.

HANZO: ...

SOMBRA: hey can someone go protect my girlfriend from the crazy old lady?

MCCREE: sorry i dont have a death wish

LUCIO: same  
LUCIO: hana kinda deserves this

SOMBRA: why?

TRACER: did you forget the part where she legit tried to stab me with scissors?

SOMBRA: eh who hasnt at this point?

TRACER: rude

WINSTON: Don't worry, Sombra.  
WINSTON: Ana won't kill her.  
WINSTON: I hope.

SOMBRA: that doesnt make me feel better

MCCREE: you really cant tell with ana

GENJI: yeah she didnt care when kimiko blew up her bike but she pushed liao down the elevator shaft when he scratched her new shoes

76: Don't remind me of this.  
76: Liao was out of action for almost a month.

MERCY: With the distance he fell, he's lucky he didn't die.

REINHARDT: We all would've been better off.

LUCIO: wow thats harsh

SOMBRA: so no ones gonna help?

GENJI: nope

JUNKRAT: @ROADHOG  
JUNKRAT: GO HELP

ROADHOG: i dont want to  
ROADHOG: besides amaris always been nice to me  
ROADHOG: ill let her do what she wants

SOMBRA: you cant do this to me

MCCREE: we can and we will

SOMBRA: please?

GENJI: do u have any idea how scary ana is when shes mad?

SOMBRA: is she scary than mercy?

MCCREE: yes

SOMBRA: shit  
SOMBRA: thats not good

REINHARDT: Everything will be fine.

LUCIO: if you say so

____________________________

ANA: it is done

MCCREE: that was quick

SOMBRA: that was the most agonizing thirteen minutes of my life

GENJI: thats what my first girlfriend used to say all the time

LUCIO: just stop

TRACER: LOL

REINHARDT: What did you do to Hana?

ANA: stuff

76: It involved the sleep darts, didn't it?

ANA: ...No

GENJI: yes

MERCY: Is she injured?

ANA: Only mentally

MERCY: I can't do anything for that.

ANA: Dont worry shell live  
ANA: Maybe

MERCY: Good enough for me.

WINSTON: Is it though?

MERCY: The less I have to do, the better.

WINSTON: Fair enough.

LUCIO: so what did you do with the sleep darts?

ANA: I  
ANA: Improvised

MCCREE: explain yourself

ANA: Its pretty self explanitory  
ANA: I just hit her with a bat until she passed out

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: wow thats really violent

LUCIO: so it really didnt have anything to do with sleep darts?

76: Guess not.

ANA: She deserved worse honestly

REINHARDT: I disagree, but okay.

LUCIO: haha i guess you could say

MCCREE: DONT

LUCIO: that you were

GENJI: LUCIO

76: _STOP THIS!_

LUCIO: a real  
LUCIO: KNOCK OUT  
LUCIO: BING

ANA: Well i guess its time for this now

REINHARDT: PREPARE YOURSELF, LUCIO.  
REINHARDT: MY HAMMER WISHES TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR ASS!

LUCIO: i couldnt stop myself  
LUCIO: and i consider this worth it

REINHARDT: YOU'D BETTER START CLENCHING!

LUCIO: DOING IT

WINSTON: REINHARDT, DON'T!

REINHARDT: HE BROKE THE RULES!  
REINHARDT: HE MUST BE PUNISHED!

MCCREE: do it  
MCCREE: puns have been outlawed

GENJI: yeah i remember when jack got drunk that one night

76: _WE PROMISED NEVER TO BRING THIS UP AGAIN!_

ANA: I wanted u dead that night

GENJI: i want u dead all the time

76: LEAVE ME ALONE!

REINHARDT: I'M COMING, LUCIO!  
REINHARDT: YOUR DOOR BETTER NOT BE LOCKED!

LUCIO: TRY ME FUCKER

REINHARDT: _HAMMER..._  
REINHARDT: _DOWN!_

WINSTON: _STOP!_

________________________

D.VA: whatd i miss?

MCCREE: death

GENJI: yeah basically

D.VA: dammit i always miss the best parts

SOMBRA: it really wasnt that great  
SOMBRA: this is the one time i wished i didnt have cameras in everyones rooms

ROADHOG: how do you get cameras in our rooms without us seeing?

ANA: Yeah really mccree doesnt even leave his room anymore

SOMBRA: i have my ways

WINSTON: Is Lucio okay?

TRACER: based on the horrifying screams i heard  
TRACER: prob not

MERCY: He'll be okay.

GENJI: arent u supposed to be helping?

MERCY: I _am_ helping.

MCCREE: beg to differ

GENJI: i heard glass shattering

76: I heard something falling.

ROADHOG: idk how you could hear anything over hanzo blasting kpop in the practice range

MCCREE: I KNEW THAT WAS HIM!

GENJI: god why is he my brother?

WINSTON: Ignoring that for the time being.  
WINSTON: Why was there shattered glass and rumbling sounds?

REINHARDT: I knocked his walls down on top of him.

TRACER: why?

REINHARDT: He kept making more puns.  
REINHARDT: Extreme measures needed to be taken.

MCCREE: this is overkill

ANA: Nah its pretty fine

GENJI: well reinhardt i guess you could say

REINHARDT: _DON'T FUCKING DARE!_

GENJI: _**that u brought the house down**_

REINHARDT: YOU'RE NEXT!

GENJI: GO AHEAD!  
GENJI: U CANT ANALLY VIOLATE ME!  
GENJI: I DONT HAVE AN ASS ANYMORE!

REINHARDT: I'LL MAKE ONE!

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES A PUN GETS ANALLY VIOLATED BY REINHARDT'S HAMMER]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO MAKES A PUN GETS ANALLY VIOLATED BY REINHARDT'S HAMMER]**

MCCREE: ...

WINSTON: ...

D.VA: ...

SOMBRA: ...

ROADHOG: ...

MERCY: Why are you all like this?

ANA: We dont even know anymore  
ANA: It just happens


	53. sombra you little shit

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [NO ANA WE CAN'T SLEEP DART JESSE AND DRAW DICKS ON HIS FACE]**

GENJI: nugget nugget nugget nugget nugget  
GENJI: nugget nugget nugget  
GENJI: NUGGET!

MCCREE: ?

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

D.VA: OMG IM FUCKING CRYING

LUCIO: SHE DID IT  
LUCIO THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN!

76: What the fuck is going on here?

MCCREE: for once i actually dont know

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET  
GENJI: ...  
GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET

LUCIO: IM GONNA PASS OUT

WINSTON: Can someone explain exactly what's going on?

ANA: Idk  
ANA: But im loving it

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET

REINHARDT: Apologies Genji, but I'm not exactly fluent in fast food.

GENJI: NUGGET

MCCREE: yeah i have no idea whats going on  
MCCREE: im laughing my ass off tho so if that was the plan it succeeded

D.VA: it was

MERCY: Why do I feel like Sombra had something to do with this?

REAPER: **She always has something to do with it.**

SOMBRA: incorrect

REAPER: **_Very_ correct.**

SOMBRA: FINE

DOOMFIST: What did you do now?

SOMBRA: hey it wasnt my idea

DOOMFIST: Even so, you're still involved.

SOMBRA: hana and lucio had a request and i just obliged like any good samaritan would

DOOMFIST: Seeing that it wasn't your idea for once is actually surprising.

SOMBRA: see akande im getting better

DOOMFIST: And we're all so proud of how you've conducted yourself.

REAPER: **Speak for yourself.**

DOOMFIST: Believe me, I have no interest in speaking on your behalf.

REAPER: **Fuck you.**

MERCY: So, what exactly is happening here?

SOMBRA: just a prank  
SOMBRA: i hacked genjis interface so that every word he types changes itself to nugget

ANA: LMAO U DIDNT

SOMBRA: yup

ANA: THATS FUCKING GOLD OMG

GENJI: _NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET_

MCCREE: how do you even?

SOMBRA: its a skill

REINHARDT: Someone better warn Bastion and Zenyatta.

SOMBRA: im not hacking either of them again

LUCIO: idk what you expected  
LUCIO: he has a gun on his arm

SOMBRA: i dont wanna talk about it

GENJI: NUGGET

D.VA: I CANT BREATHE

MERCY: I swear, the shenanigans around base get more and more elaborate as time goes on.

LUCIO: is that good?

MERCY: Depends on who you ask.

76: It's not good at all.

LUCIO: ah

MCCREE: someone better tell hanzo that his brother is being harrassed again

HANZO: Better him than me.

D.VA: howd you get here so quick?

HANZO: My communicator is on.  
HANZO: I'm seeing everything.  
HANZO: I just pick my battles.

DOOMFIST: Wise strategy.

HANZO: Besides, Genji getting harrassed doesn't bother me.  
HANZO: It's about time he received a taste of his own medicine.

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET

LUCIO: i feel like this would be funnier if we knew what he was saying

D.VA: hey athena can you translate what genjis saying?

**[In all honesty, I don't think I can.]**

TRACER: :(

MCCREE: why?

**[It's not like he's speaking another language. I can't translate a single word into a cohesive sentence.]**

LUCIO: aw man

REINHARDT: It's probably best this way.  
REINHARDT: The mystery adds to the general humor.

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET

DOOMFIST: Sure, keep trying.  
DOOMFIST: Maybe someone will understand you eventually.

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET

DOOMFIST: Nope, try again.

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: _ナゲットナゲット_

D.VA: okay can you translate that?

**[I can. One moment please.]**

LUCIO: aw man did he find a loophole?

**[Sorry to disappoint you all, but he is, in fact, just saying nugget in Japanese.]**

ANA: OMG

LUCIO: FUCKING YES LOL

D.VA: is that why i hear hanzo laughing his ass off?

MCCREE: hanzos laughing?  
MCCREE: is the world ending?

GENJI: _**NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET**_

SOMBRA: im not an idiot  
SOMBRA: im always one step ahead of you

REINHARDT: I have to give him credit for attempting the loophole, though.  
REINHARDT: That wouldn't have been my first thought.

ANA: Mine would be to smash the communicator

SOMBRA: thats exactly why they went after genji  
SOMBRA: the interface is connected to his head  
SOMBRA: he cant destroy that

MERCY: Don't be so sure.

WINSTON: I wouldn't put it past Genji.

GENJI: N-U-G-G-E-T  
GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET

MCCREE: _im fucking wheezing_

ANA: Man u really prepared for everything huh?

SOMBRA: of course  
SOMBRA: according to my calculations there are 346 different ways he could attempt to communicate with us  
SOMBRA: so i hacked every single one of them so theres no escape for it

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET

LUCIO: THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING THING IVE EVER BLESSED WITH WITNESSING

76: I'm just glad it's not me this time around.

REINHARDT: Don't jinx it, Jack.

MERCY: Hanzo, it wasn't _that_ funny.

HANZO: Yes, it absolutely was.  
HANZO: Holy shit, I haven't laughed like that since grammar school.

LUCIO: tbh didnt even think you were capable of laughing

HANZO: I laugh when things are funny.

D.VA: wtf do you mean?  
D.VA: literally everything that happens here is funny and you havent laughed once

HANZO: My sense of humor isn't juvenile.

LUCIO: rude

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET

MCCREE: stop already  
MCCREE: its not gonna work

GENJI: N-U-G-G-3-T  
GENJI: **NUGGET**

WINSTON: Why are you all like this?

D.VA: eh we have problems

76: You are problems.

SOMBRA: hey this wasnt my idea

76: Yet, you still participated in it.

SOMBRA: id like to see you hack someones head like that old man

MCCREE: he couldnt if he wanted to

LUCIO: yeah hes from tractor country  
LUCIO: i bet his parents were tractors too

76: You both know that I actually know how to use technology, right?

REINHARDT: Tell that to the radio

76: _THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!_

ANA: One more time than it happened to anyone else

76: _LEAVE ME ALONE!_

ANA: Lol nah  
ANA: If i didnt bother u who else would?

LUCIO: me

TRACER: i would!

MCCREE: same

D.VA: i like making jacks life miserable

ANA: K so everyone on base besides winston and maybe angela

WINSTON: I'm not involving myself with any of this anymore.

MERCY: I'm too busy fucking your daughter.

ANA: EXCUSE ME WHAT THE FUCK?

LUCIO: LMAO

MERCY: *finding  
MERCY: Damn autocorrect.

D.VA: crisis averted

REINHARDT: I wouldn't say that.

ANA: WTF DO U MEAN?  
ANA: HOWD U LOSE HER?

MERCY: It's...complicated.

GENJI: NUGGET NUGGET NUGGET  
GENJI: ...  
GENJI: **ಠ_ಠ**

LUCIO: its never gonna stop is it?

SOMBRA: nope

MCCREE: dont  
MCCREE: its a gift from the heavens

ANA: ANGELA U BETTER START EXPLAINING

MERCY: It's nothing, Ana.  
MERCY: We were relaxing in the common room.  
MERCY: And Fareeha asked if I wanted to go fuck in the gym.

ANA: BITCH WHAT THE FUCK

TRACER: LOL!

MERCY: No, she asked if I wanted to go fuck in the gym.  
MERCY: ...  
MERCY: G O F U C K I N T H E G Y M  
MERCY: SOMBRA, STOP DOING THIS TO MY COMMUNICATOR!

SOMBRA: haha no

REINHARDT: This still doesn't explain how you lost her.

MERCY: She said she would meet me there but it's been twenty minutes and I haven't found her.

SOMBRA: shes swimming in the pool

MERCY: ...How did you?

SOMBRA: i have access to all your cameras idk why you keep forgetting that

LUCIO: so wait were you actually going to fuck in the gym?

MERCY: _NO!_

SOMBRA: they were  
SOMBRA: i hacked into their text logs

MERCY: COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT?

SOMBRA: i could  
SOMBRA: but that would be no fun

76: _That gym is for professional use only._

MCCREE: there is absolutely nothing professional about this organization

D.VA: yeah jack dont act like you and reyes werent in there last week working on "aerobic exercises."

LUCIO: gay

REINHARDT: Please stop putting these images in my head.

76: ...

REAPER: **You're just jealous that I'm getting more than you are.**

DOOMFIST: No, we most certainly are not.

SOMBRA: i know that youre not getting more than me but whatever

MOIRA: You can keep it.  
MOIRA: No one here has a fetish for old men.

D.VA: DEAD

LUCIO: damn moira coming in for the kill

TRACER: shes starting to grow on me!

MOIRA: Thanks.

REAPER: **I DID NOT HIRE YOU SO YOU COULD ACT LIKE THIS!**

MOIRA: You didn't hire me at all.  
MOIRA: But had I known you were going to be here, I might've just passed on the offer.

GENJI: nugget nugget nugget

LUCIO: I JUST FUCKING SPIT MY DRINK OUT

MCCREE: can we please never change this?

D.VA: yeah really we made hanzo laugh with it

HANZO: Don't get used to it.  
HANZO: That's the last time you'll hear me laugh.

REINHARDT: I guess that means we'll just have to try harder.

TRACER: HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG GENJI JUST CAME UP TO ME AND TRIED TO TALK BUT THE ONLY WORD HE CAN SAY IS NUGGET!

REINHARDT: You really pulled out all the stops, didn't you?

SOMBRA: i can work wonders when i want to

REAPER: **Why can't you work wonders for Talon, then?**

SOMBRA: um cause i dont want to?

MOIRA: No one does.

TRACER: HAHAHAHA HES SLAMMING HIS FACE INTO THE WALL IN ANGER

D.VA: confirmed  
D.VA: genji is now 1050% done with our shit

LUCIO: this was so worth it

SOMBRA: im gonna fix him

D.VA: NOOOOOO!

SOMBRA: cmon i like genji  
SOMBRA: i think hes suffered long enough

D.VA: FIIIIINNNNNEEEE!

SOMBRA: BOOP

WINSTON: Is it necessary to do that every time you hack something?

SOMBRA: yes

GENJI: I  
GENJI: FUCKING  
GENJI: HATE  
GENJI: U

SOMBRA: wasnt my idea 3po

LUCIO: it was fun while it lasted

TRACER: im kinda sad that its over :(

SOMBRA: who said its over?

MCCREE: explain

SOMBRA: give it a few seconds

ANA: Im scared

76: Salmon salmon.  
76: ...  
76: SALMON SALMON SALMON SALMON!

D.VA: OMG

LUCIO: IM SO HAPPY AGAIN

REINHARDT: I had a feeling we were going in this direction.

REAPER: **Breadsticks.**  
REAPER: **BREADSTICKS!**

MOIRA: This pleases me.

DOOMFIST: I'm just glad I was spared.

SOMBRA: im not making the same mistake twice  
SOMBRA: i was never able to repair that computer

DOOMFIST: You left me no choice.

76: _SALMON!_

REAPER: _**BREADSTICKS!**_

**[SOLDIER: 76] disconnected from chatroom [NO ANA WE CAN'T SLEEP DART JESSE AND DRAW DICKS ON HIS FACE]**

**[REAPER] disconnected from chatroom [NO ANA WE CAN'T SLEEP DART JESSE AND DRAW DICKS ON HIS FACE]**

SOMBRA: they both literally destroyed their communicators at the exact same time

ANA: Aw theyre so cute

WINSTON: I'm not buying them new ones.

SOMBRA: ill handle it  
SOMBRA: i caused it anyway  
SOMBRA: besides that guy in argentina doesnt need billions of dollars anyway

MERCY: Sombra...

SOMBRA: zip it doctor cougar  
SOMBRA: dont you have a little kitty to go entertain?

MERCY: I'm five years older than her.  
MERCY: It's really not that weird.

MCCREE: if thats what you believe

MERCY: SOMBRA, YOU'RE LIKE TEN YEARS OLDER THAN HANA!

SOMBRA: not in spirit

LUCIO: wut?

REINHARDT: _STOP!_

D.VA: ...

LUCIO: ...

SOMBRA: ...fine

LUCIO: well this has been a fun day

GENJI: i want to die

MCCREE: same

SOMBRA: dont be a baby

GENJI: that was literally inhumane

ANA: It really wasnt as bad as you made it out to be

TRACER: yeah i remember when she made you do the chicken dance for fourteen hours straight

GENJI: _NEVER SPEAK OF IT_  
GENJI: _I ALMOST CUT U ALL THAT DAY_

MCCREE: i wasnt even there

GENJI: I DONT CARE

WINSTON: Compared to other things that have happened in the past, this really wasn't all that bad.

MERCY: It was certainly far less destructive than usual.

MCCREE: well you know what that means

LUCIO: time to destroy something

WINSTON: Stop it.

D.VA: i know a guy  
D.VA: @JUNKRAT  
D.VA: go crazy

JUNKRAT: MY WILDEST DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE

WINSTON: _I SWEAR TO GOD!_

D.VA: quick someone stop winston

SOMBRA: BOOP

WINSTON: Banana Banana Banana

ANA: YES

WINSTON: ...

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [NO ANA WE CAN'T SLEEP DART JESSE AND DRAW DICKS ON HIS FACE]**

LUCIO: _IM ABOUT TO PEE MYSELF_

REINHARDT: I don't even know why I'm surprised anymore.

MCCREE: we need to keep you on your toes

REINHARDT: I'd prefer if you didn't.

D.VA: too bad deal with it

GENJI: i wish death upon all of u

SOMBRA: take a number


	54. trivia night goes horribly wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I have no idea what the fuck this is.

D.VA: hey is everyone here?

GENJI: where else would we be?

MERCY: Besides the five of you, the rest of us actually have important things to do.

MCCREE: is constantly having sex with fareeha considered important now?

MERCY: Don't mock me.

MCCREE: wouldnt dream of it

WINSTON: I'm sure everyone's here.  
WINSTON: Some probably just prefer not to contribute unless they have something to say.

D.VA: well i think i found a nice wholesome team bonding idea

76: Bullshit.

LUCIO: is wholesome even allowed here?

WINSTON: This sounds promising.  
WINSTON: What's the idea, Hana?

D.VA: how about a trivia night?

ANA: Rip jesse

MCCREE: pls no

GENJI: why?

MERCY: Hey come on, Trivia's fun.

REINHARDT: Only when you don't have Jesse on your team.

MCCREE: hey

GENJI: jesse u know that u suck at trivia

MCCREE: okay but

76: I say what the hell?  
76: Maybe it'll help boost morale a little bit.

LUCIO: is morale low?

76: Don't ask.

WINSTON: I think it could be fun.  
WINSTON: Provided that everyone cooperates.

GENJI: dibs on picking teams

ANA: Absolutely the fuck not

GENJI: y tho?

ANA: U are never picking teams again  
ANA: I dont need winston angela and mirembe carrying ur stupid ass to happen all over again

GENJI: to be fair mirembe isnt even here anymore

ANA: I dont care

WINSTON: I could ask Athena to randomly generate teams for us.  
WINSTON: Granted that everyone wants to play.

D.VA: just assume that everyone is  
D.VA: sombra and i will get everything set up just do the teams

DOOMFIST: Can I play?

D.VA: duh

MOIRA: And me?

MERCY: No.

D.VA: if you want

MOIRA: This should be fun.

GENJI: theres no possible way this can go wrong

________________________

**[Is everyone ready?]**

TORBJORN: Against my will, but yes.

BRIGITTE: Lighten up.

TORBJORN: I could be getting so much work done right now.

D.VA: tough  
D.VA: and btw why are we texting were all in the same room?

WINSTON: Doomfist and Moira aren't here.  
WINSTON: Mei and Bastion are on a mission.  
WINSTON: And it's just easier this way.

D.VA: isnt there a voice to text feature on here or no?

**[Well, there is. It just hasn't been used in a very long time.]**

D.VA: can we turn it on?

**[I have specific orders not to.]**   
**[No one was quite the same after the League of Legends incident.]**

GENJI: _DO NOT EVER SPEAK OF IT_

MCCREE: _IT NEVER HAPPENED_

REINHARDT: _PLEASE DO NOT REMIND ME OF SUCH THINGS!_

**[Exactly my point.]**

D.VA: do you have any idea how annoying its going to be to text during this?

WINSTON: Athena, just for this, I think it's okay to enable the voice to text feature.

**[If you say so.]**

**[VOICE TO CHAT] feature has been enabled.**

D.VA: Haha yes.  
D.VA: Ew, why is everything proper?

MCCREE: That's the way it usually is.

D.VA: Can we not?

**[If it truly bothers everyone that much, I will edit the feature to adopt all of your texting habits.]**

D.VA: nice

76: Can we just get on with this already?

ANA: What are the teams?

**[I took the liberty of shuffling everyone into random teams.]**   
**[If you'll all check your private messages, you will see the other members on your team.]**

D.VA: this oughta be good

GENJI: why did u put me with my brother?

WINSTON: It was completely random, Genji.

LUCIO: one of these teams is ridiculously unfair

WIDOWMAKER: I disagree.  
WIDOWMAKER: The rat's idiocy will cancel everything out.

JUNKRAT: HEY!

MCCREE: can someone check it for me i still cant get into my dms

SOMBRA: thats what you get for trying to slide into hanas

MCCREE: i was very drunk

SOMBRA: YOURE LIKE 20 YEARS OLDER THAN HER

MCCREE: once again  
MCCREE: extremely drunk

MERCY: Here, Jesse.  
MERCY: 

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: how the fuck did that happen?

**[I can assure you, it was entirely random.]**

D.VA: cant really help it now

76: I want to switch teams.

REINHARDT: Seconded.

MOIRA: Thirded.

D.VA: yeah me too

MCCREE: ...why are you all like this?

REINHARDT: Not our fault you're an idiot.

MCCREE: =I:(

GENJI: u actually

MOIRA: I can't believe you went there.

MCCREE: hey i got better

76: I really, highly doubt that.

MCCREE: guess youll just have to wait and see partner

TORBJORN: Do I really need to participate in this?

D.VA: yes

WINSTON: I recommend that you do.

TORBJORN: Why?  
TORBJORN: We all know this is going to turn into a shit show.

REINHARDT: It wouldn't be an Overwatch experience if it didn't.

WINSTON: Come on, Torbjorn.  
WINSTON: Live a little.

TORBJORN: You are by far the least qualified person on this entire base to tell me that.

ANA: Just shut up and do it u fucking bitch

TORBJORN: ...  
TORBJORN: Don't push me, Amari.

PHARAH: Is Emily even here to participate in this nonsense?

EMILY: What are you talking about?  
EMILY: I love trivia!

LUCIO: theres like a hundred and ninety different things we couldve done instead

MERCY: Yes, and I'm sure that more than half of those options would have been destructive, dangerous, or both.

D.VA: ...okay but

ORISA: Apologies.  
ORISA: But why am I on the same team as Captain Douchecanoe?

DOOMFIST: Why is this happening?

**[As I said. It was completely random.]**

TRACER: better off just dealing with it!

D.VA: yeah if we switch the teams up again itll be worse

DOOMFIST: How?

D.VA: trust me

LUCIO: yeah really just take her word for it here  
LUCIO: you havent seen what ive seen

TRACER: is reyes even here?

REAPER: **Unfortunately.**

SOMBRA: aw come on gabe lighten up

REAPER: **How can I lighten up?**  
REAPER: **I still have the memories of the last time we did this burned into my skull.**  
REAPER: _**AND BECAUSE YOU WON'T STOP CALLING ME THAT!**_

SOMBRA: lol

WINSTON: Is everyone else here?

SOMBRA: yeah everyones online  
SOMBRA: im sure theyll all respond when they feel the need

MCCREE: so how exactly are we going to do this?

**[I'll ask a question to one team. They will have fifteen seconds to answer. If they get it right, they get a point. If they are wrong, the first team to hit their buzzer gets a chance to steal the point. First team to thirty points will be crowned the winner.]**

GENJI: rules?

D.VA: lmao what rules?

LUCIO: okay just one rule  
LUCIO: sombra  
LUCIO: NO CHEATING

SOMBRA: okay fine  
SOMBRA: ill humor you just this once

REINHARDT: Thirty seems a little high.

MERCY: At least it's not 250 this time.

ANA: That game took like nine hours

TRACER: blame gerard

MCCREE: that fucking frenchman was having way too much fun

76: Well, it wasn't often that he really had a chance to enjoy himself.

ANA: He literally answered every single question  
ANA: The teams shouldve been everyone against gerard

MCCREE: we still wouldve lost

REINHARDT: I agree.

D.VA: can we start?

TRACER: theres still time to back out

D.VA: nope

ANA: Just fucking start it before i change my mind

**[Okay. Team 1, you'll go first.]**

MCCREE: ...is that us?

76: For fuck's sake.

MOIRA: Just ignore Jesse.  
MOIRA: Ask the question.

GENJI: please make it easy

REINHARDT: It's the first question.  
REINHARDT: Of course it'll be easy.

**[Before I ask the question, I need to remind everyone that they need to elect one spokesperson to answer the questions.]**

ANA: Why?

**[Just because it's easier. I don't need fifteen different people shouting out different answers. It'll just cause more confusion.]**

PHARAH: Is that really necessary?

MERCY: Yes, it is.  
MERCY: The last time we did this no one could understand what anyone else was saying.

GENJI: okay but what are u going to do if we dont?

**[I will administer a powerful electric shock through the tracking chips in each of your Identification bracelets.]**

GENJI: ...

MCCREE: ...

D.VA: ...

LUCIO: youre bluffing

**[I can assure you that I'm not.]**

76: Care to test the theory?

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: honestly kinda  
LUCIO: OWWWW WHAT THE FCUCKKCF

**[Believe me now?]**

LUCIO: THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT!

**[It was supposed to.]**   
**[Anymore questions?]**

LUCIO: not at the moment

TORBJORN: Just get on with it.

**[Wonderful.]**   
**[Team 1, who was the author responsible for writing the book, "The Great Gatsby?"]**

MERCY: Oh come on.

WINSTON: It's the first question, Angela.

MCCREE: IS IT...

MOIRA: NO!  
MOIRA: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!  
MOIRA: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK!

MCCREE: BUT I KNOW IT

REINHARDT: DON'T CARE!  
REINHARDT: YOU CAN'T ANSWER!

MCCREE: BUT WHY?

REINHARDT: IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE TEAM!

GENJI: ITS STEPHEN KING  
GENJI: OWWWW

ANA: ITS NOT EVEN UR FUCKING TURN

GENJI: I HAVE A PROBLEM

WINSTON: _This needs to stop._

**[Allow me.]**

GENJI: FUCK JLDEGNHASLJG

LUCIO: NO MAKE IT STOP

TRACER: I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING

REAPER: _**All of you, shut the fuck up.**_

**[Are you finished?]**

GENJI: i guess

**[Lovely. Now, Team 1, your answer?]**

REINHARDT: F. Scott Fitzgerald.

**[Correct. One point for Team 1.]**   
**[Team 2, it's your turn.]**

ANA: Were changing our team name athena

GENJI: we are?

ANA: YES WE ARE

HANZO: I refuse to be a part of something so idiotic.

ANA: Too late ur here now stfu  
ANA: Were changing our name to the poonslayers 3.0

D.VA: lmao

TRACER: 3.0?  
TRACER: what happened to the first two incarnations?

ANA: _DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS U ARENT PREPARED TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO_

HANZO: Can we not?

ANA: Im team captain  
ANA: What i say goes

HANZO: I didn't agree to this.

ANA: U also didnt want to play so u dont get a vote

GENJI: i want to take this case to court

ANA: U would lose

DOOMFIST: Can the three of you stop?  
DOOMFIST: I'd like to get this done as quickly as possible.

**[Are you done?]**

ANA: I guess for now

**[...Okay then.}**   
**[Team Poonslayers 3.0, who was the 16th President of the United States?]**

GENJI: bill cosby

ANA: GENJI U FUCK

GENJI: HOW THE FUCK DO I TAKE THIS BRACELET OFF?

MERCY: You don't.  
MERCY: You take the pain and deal with the consequences.

**[Bill Cosby is the wrong answer.]**   
**[Team 4, you hit the buzzer first. What is your answer?]**

MEI: Abraham Lincoln.

**[Correct. Team 4 receives one point.]**

ANA: I WANT TO MAKE A MOTION FOR APPEAL

**[Understood.]**   
**[...]**   
**[Motion for appeal denied. Get back to the game.]**

ANA: U STUPID FUCKING COMPUTER

ROADHOG: why am i actually here?

SOMBRA: we needed even teams

MCCREE: wtf do you mean?  
MCCREE: these teams arent even two of them have six players

BRIGITTE: Wow, congrats Jesse.  
BRIGITTE: You can count better than most two year olds.

MCCREE: fuck you

**[Team 3, you're up next.]**   
**[What famous singer gave Marilyn Monroe a poodle named Mafia?]**

GENJI: um who the fuck cares?

MCCREE: you know if you want to stop getting zapped just shut up

GENJI: I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE

TRACER: why is this our question?

BRIGITTE: Yeah really.  
BRIGITTE: And they got Abraham Lincoln?

**[I'm picking randomly generated Trivia Questions online. The selection is random.]**

SOMBRA: sure it is

BRIGITTE: Anyone know?

ZARYA: I am here against my will.  
ZARYA: I refuse to cooperate.

D.VA: baby

ZARYA: I will kill you.

MERCY: Reyes, do you know?

REAPER: **Why the fuck would I know?**

MERCY: Because I know that Lena and Sombra won't.  
MERCY: And Zarya just said that she's not helping.  
MERCY: You're the only other one I can ask.

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Justin Timberlake.**

**[Incorrect.]**

GENJI: justin timberlake?

MCCREE: are you fucking serious?

76: Marilyn Monroe died before Justin Timberlake was even born.

REAPER: **She asked for an answer.**

MERCY: I was hoping it would be the right one.

REAPER: **You expected too much of me.**

**[Team 5, you hit the buzzer first.]**

WIDOWMAKER: We did?

SYMMETRA: Who hit the buzzer?

JUNKRAT: I DID

WINSTON: Why?

JUNKRAT: ...I ACTUALLY KNOW THE ANSWER

MCCREE: bullshit

76: I'll believe it when I see it.

JUNKRAT: ...

WIDOWMAKER: Well?

PHARAH: The world is watching.

JUNKRAT: ...FRANK SINATRA

**[Correct. Team 5 gets one point.]**

GENJI: hi excuse me what the fuck?

MCCREE: ...how?

WIDOWMAKER: I just...  
WIDOWMAKER: I'm honestly speechless.

D.VA: IM SORRY WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?

JUNKRAT: I DONT REALLY KNOW  
JUNKRAT: I THINK I HEARD IT SOMEWHERE

MOIRA: ...

ANA: ...

BRIGITTE: ...

GENJI: we might be ultra fucked here

76: Might be?

**[Team 4, it's your turn.]**   
**[December 7th, 1941, is significant for what reason?]**

TORBJORN: It was the day I should've ended my miserable existance.

BRIGITTE: ...

TRACER: ...

ANA: Wow

**[That's incorrect.]**

TORBJORN: Is it though?

**[...]**   
**[Personal issues aside, Team 1 hit the buzzer first.]**

GENJI: fucking bullshit

MCCREE: PEARL HARBOR

76: JESSE YOU FUCK  
76: WAIT NO YOU'RE ACTUALLY RIGHT.  
76: I'LL ALLOW IT THIS ONCE.

MCCREE: THANKS

**[Correct. Team 1 earns their second point.]**   
**[Team 5, in what battle did George Armstrong Custer die in?]**

LUCIO: his last one  
LUCIO: FUCKING OW STOP

**[Quiet down and I will have no reason to shock you.]**

LUCIO: THIS BRACELET IS MADE OUT OF PLASTIC HOW ARE YOU EVEN?

**[It's a secret.]**

ANA: i mean hes technically not wrong

WINSTON: Technicalities don't count.

JUNKRAT: LITTLE BIGHORN

**[Correct. Team 5 has earned their second point.]**

WIDOWMAKER: I...  
WIDOWMAKER: I just...  
WIDOWMAKER: What?

MCCREE: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?

TRACER: I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS IS HAPPENING!

ROADHOG: the rat actually knows his shit  
ROADHOG: he used to read a lot when he wasnt busy blowing stuff up

BRIGITTE: He can read?

JUNKRAT: HEY

**[Team 1, it's your turn again.]**   
**[Tom Brady is one of two players in NFL History with 5 Super Bowl rings. Name the other.]**

GENJI: that one guy  
GENJI: FUCKING

ANA: GENJI SHUT THE FUCK UP

GENJI: NO  
GENJI: IM GETTING THIS SHIT OFF

MERCY: Good luck.  
MERCY: It's not as easy as you think.

GENJI: I CANT GET THE BRACELET OFF  
GENJI: IM GOING WITH THE NEXT BEST THING

LUCIO: which is?

MCCREE: GENJI STOP

GENJI: CANT STOP WONT STOP

MERCY: _I'm not building you another arm._

GENJI: ITS OKAY IM RIGHT HANDED

WINSTON: _Genji..._

GENJI: LOOK AT WHAT U MADE ME DO

ANA: _ONE MORE TAYLOR SWIFT REFERENCE AND U ALL DIE_

REINHARDT: STOP BEING ANGRY AND JUST...  
REINHARDT: _SHAKE IT OFF!_

ANA: _**PREPARE TO DIE**_

REINHARDT: BRING IT!

D.VA: ANA NO PUT DOWN THE FLAMETHROWER

76: _**GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU IDIOTS!**_

_________________________

EMILY: Is...  
EMILY: Is the game over?

BRIGITTE: We have more to worry about than that.  
BRIGITTE: Is anyone still alive?

LUCIO: help

SYMMETRA: What even is Overwatch?

WINSTON: A mistake.  
WINSTON: Nothing but a mistake.

EMILY: I was having fun though.

TORBJORN: This was bound to happen.  
TORBJORN: At least now I have an excuse to leave.

MEI: I've never been happier to be on a mission.

ZARYA: Take me with you next time.

WINSTON: Me too.

PHARAH: Just take us all and leave Jesse, Genji, and my mother.

MCCREE: hey i seriously didnt even do anything this time

GENJI: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!

MERCY: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE NEW ARMS ARE?

GENJI: NOT AS EXPENSIVE AS MY SANITY!

WINSTON: Why are you like this?

GENJI: its fine i like having one arm

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: I legitimately can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

GENJI: honestly me either  
GENJI: that game destroyed my mental state

JUNKRAT: ...THE ANSWER WAS CHARLES HALEY

**[The game is over, Agent Fawkes.]**   
**[Although, you are still correct.]**

D.VA: WHAT THE FUCK?

MCCREE: TEACH ME YOUR WAYS

JUNKRAT: HAHA ILL TRY MATES

ZENYATTA: If I'm being honest, that really could have gone worse.

WIDOWMAKER: Ever the optimist.

ZENYATTA: It's all part of being one with the Iris.

SYMMETRA: Is that what you call it?

ZENYATTA: Yes, it is.

DOOMFIST: Why can't even a simple game end without someone getting hurt?

MOIRA: Since when do you care?

DOOMFIST: I don't.  
DOOMFIST: I'm just asking a serious question.

WINSTON: If I had an answer for you, I'd say it.

REINHARDT: ANA, I HAVE POWER ARMOR ON.  
REINHARDT: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO HIT ME!

ANA: NO  
ANA: ONE TAYLOR SWIFT REFERENCE TOO MANY  
ANA: ILL FUCK U UP

REINHARDT: YOU MAY KEEP TRYING, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

ANA: IT WILL WHEN UR DEAD

SOMBRA: arent they supposed to be dating?

PHARAH: This is how they show their love.  
PHARAH: As unorthodox as they may be.

MCCREE: why cant we ever just have a normal game?

MEI: Because this is Overwatch.

BRIGITTE: Nothing ever goes right here.

GENJI: wait so who won?

MERCY: Not you.  
MERCY: Definitely not you.

GENJI: disagree

WINSTON: There's no winners here.  
WINSTON: There never is anymore.

BRIGITTE: Baby.

TRACER: come on that was kinda fun!

MERCY: Depends on your definition of fun.

76: I'm going back to being a vigilante.

SOMBRA: how about you stop talking and do it?

76: Fuck you.

WIDOWMAKER: Is no one else even remotely confused over Junkrat's trivia knowledge?

MOIRA: I think it's better to ignore.

JUNKRAT: I TOLD YA I READ A LOT

WIDOWMAKER: That explains nothing.

LUCIO: is no one going to help me?

GENJI: u heal  
GENJI: help urself

REINHARDT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

ANA: GENJIS ARM  
ANA: IM GONNA BEAT U WITH IT

REINHARDT: WAIT A SECOND!

ANA: IM NOT WAITING ANYMORE

WINSTON: The two of you, stop it!

ANA: _TAKE UR MEDICINE_

REINHARDT: PLEASE NO!


	55. these are the things people think about when they're laying awake in the middle of the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I legitimately have no idea why I have so much fun writing this shit. I'm cracking myself up and I'm the one who wrote it. I guess that's a good thing?

D.VA: hey i have a question

LUCIO: hit me

MCCREE: it is three o'clock in the fucking morning

D.VA: ...and?

LUCIO: yeah what were you trying to sleep or something?

MCCREE: kind of yeah

LUCIO: lol why?

MCCREE: cause im tired?

D.VA: is this what its like to be old?

MCCREE: im 37

D.VA: which is almost 20 years older than i am

ANA: No its not like that  
ANA: Jesses just a punk bitch

MCCREE: WOW

REINHARDT: Us older folk don't sleep.

76: Is this why the two of you are always so cranky during missions?

REINHARDT: ...No.

ANA: Yeah were only cranky because ur dragging us out on pointless missions

76: How is rescuing the Prime Minister of Australia pointless?

ANA: Because he sucks  
ANA: And besides why does it matter if someone was threatening to kill him?  
ANA: Hes from australia  
ANA: Everything theres already trying to kill him anyway

LUCIO: shes not wrong

MERCY: Have you ever actually been to Australia?

ANA: Uh duh  
ANA: Im the one who grabbed that fucker out of the river

TRACER: wait when did this happen?

REINHARDT: Last week.

GENJI: is that why u all ran out in a hurry?

ANA: Possibly

TRACER: YOU SAID YOU WERE BUYING CUPCAKES!

REINHARDT: WE LIED!

ANA: Thats ur fault for believing us

GENJI: yeah honestly lena who buys cupcakes at 10 pm?

LUCIO: you and i both know thats not the weirdest thing weve done at 10pm

REINHARDT: We all remember Jesse's late night golfing trip.

MCCREE: I DONT NEED THIS IM TRYING TO SLEEP

D.VA: you seriously went out on a mission in the dead of night without the rest of us?

76: This mission was extremely important because a world leader was in danger.  
76: The last thing I needed was you shitheads fucking everything up.

LUCIO: hey

TRACER: im not a shithead!

D.VA: shitheads a mean word

76: Ask me if I care.

GENJI: do u?

76: Not even a little bit.

GENJI: nice

D.VA: wait who even took him?

LUCIO: i bet it was talon

DOOMFIST: You guessed correctly.

GENJI: y tho?  
GENJI: i thought we were friends?

DOOMFIST: While I detest being labeled as a friend of any of yours.  
DOOMFIST: It wasn't my call.

TRACER: whos was it then?

MOIRA: The Board made the decision.  
MOIRA: With input from Gabe.

REAPER: **STOP! CALLING! ME! THAT!**

MOIRA: No.

D.VA: why do it though?  
D.VA: i thought you all said you were done causing problems.

REAPER: **I have never, under any circumstances, said that.**

ANA: We werent even ready for u and u still lost  
ANA: Sucks to suck

REAPER: **We would have just assassinated him outright.**  
REAPER: **But _someone_ decided that working for the enemy would be better.**

WIDOWMAKER: I hope you're not referring to me.

REAPER: **Believe it or not, I was.**

WIDOWMAKER: I don't take orders from you.

DOOMFIST: No one does.

MOIRA: We just pretend to so his feelings don't get hurt.

SOMBRA: yeah hes really sensitive

REAPER: **I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!**

SOMBRA: see?

MERCY: Literally any other time would be a better time for this pointless discussion.

ANA: U say pointless i say team bonding

MERCY: From what I remember, you're the last person who's ever wanted to be a part of team bonding.

ANA: shut the hell ur mouth

REINHARDT: Remember when she rigged explosives to her door so that no one could bother her?

76: How could I forget?  
76: I had to hold Williams down while Angela sewed his arm back on.

ANA: I told all of u in advance to fuck right off

GENJI: apparently williams wanted to test u

ANA: And he deserved everything he got

MERCY: He spent over two years in rehabilitation.

ANA: Better than being dead

GENJI: i disagree

HANZO: IT IS 3:38 IN THE MORNING!  
HANZO: I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP!  
HANZO: WHY ARE YOU ALL UP?

ANA: I honestly dont even remember  
ANA: But i was up anyway

LUCIO: i think this started because hana had a question

D.VA: i did

DOOMFIST: Is that what started this?

REINHARDT: Things have a tendency to get off topic very quickly here.

MOIRA: So I've noticed.

HANZO: ALL OF YOU, _QUIET!_

LUCIO: just turn your phone off its not hard

HANZO: FUCK YOU!

MCCREE: WHAT HE SAID

HANZO: FUCK YOU TOO!

MCCREE: I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING

HANZO: _THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!_

76: Please just ask the fucking question.

D.VA: is that an order?  
D.VA: cause last i remember youre not our commander anymore

76: For fuck's sake.

LUCIO: HA

GENJI: out with it hana

D.VA: okay okay

MERCY: This better be good.

D.VA: why does the fridge have a light but the freezer doesnt?

**[HANZO SHIMADA] disconnected from chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

LUCIO: DEAD

ANA: Holy shit  
ANA: Shes right  
ANA: Why doesnt it?

76: Are you actually fucking serious right now?

D.VA: IM JUST CURIOUS!  
D.VA: I CANT SEE MY ICE CREAM AT THIS HOUR!

76: _WHY ARE YOU EVEN EATING ICE CREAM AT THIS HOUR?_

D.VA: BECAUSE IM CLINICALLY DEPRESSED AND THIS IS MY UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISM

WIDOWMAKER: What the actual fuck is Overwatch?

LUCIO: its genius  
LUCIO: nothing but pure genius

MERCY: I wouldn't go that far.

MCCREE: THIS IS THE FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT YOURE KEEPING ME UP FOR?

D.VA: FUCK YOU ITS A SERIOUS QUESTION

MCCREE: IM TRYING TO SLEEP

D.VA: WELL WHOS STOPPING YOU?

MCCREE: YOU AND THE REST OF THIS FUCKING CHAT

D.VA: TURN THE FUCKING NOTIFICATIONS OFF THEN

MCCREE: NO

ANA: _ITS QUIET TIME_

**[JESSE MCCREE] went idle**

LUCIO: lel

DOOMFIST: What happened?

SOMBRA: she sleep darted him

GENJI: um wtf how?  
GENJI: shes literally sitting across the room from me she didnt even get up

ANA: _The less u know the better_

GENJI: ...

TRACER: ...

REINHARDT: ...

D.VA: okay then  
D.VA: does anyone have an answer?

MERCY: I would have to care enough to formulate a response.

76: I am in absolute disbelief.

DOOMFIST: I don't even know why I'm shocked anymore.  
DOOMFIST: And I'm not even part of this team.

MOIRA: It does leave you wondering though.

D.VA: right?

TRACER: im gonna be thinking about this for like the next two weeks you dont even understand!

GENJI: these are the questions that we need to know the answers to

MOIRA: That reminds me of another one.  
MOIRA: What's the opposite of opposite?

GENJI: WHAT HAVE U DONE?

REINHARDT: 

TRACER: 

LUCIO: 

ANA: 

76: _STOP!_

GENJI: SO MANY QUESTIONS  
GENJI: SO LITTLE TIME

REINHARDT: WE NEED TO ROUND EVERYONE UP!  
REINHARDT: THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS OURSELVES!

MERCY: Reinhardt, it's almost four in the morning.

REINHARDT: DETAILS, DETAILS!

76: _REINHARDT, DON'T YOU DARE DO IT!_

REINHARDT: _**DOING IT!**_

______________________________

MEI: WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?

REINHARDT: TEAM MEETING!

BRIGITTE: IT'S FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

REINHARDT: UNIMPORTANT!

HANZO: I JUST SAID I WANTED NO PART IN THIS FUCKERY!

REINHARDT: TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU'RE HERE NOW!

HANZO: I'M QUITTING!

REINHARDT: QUIT AFTER THE MEETING!

MEI: I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP!

REINHARDT: SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK!

MEI: OR THE MENTALLY STABLE!

REINHARDT: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO THINK!

BRIGITTE: COULDN'T THIS HAVE WAITED UNTIL MORNING?

REINHARDT: IT IS MORNING!

BRIGITTE: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, TIN MAN!

REINHARDT: **_WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY!_**

LUCIO: im fucking crying laughing what the fuck?

WINSTON: What is going on here?

TRACER: a lot of yelling

WINSTON: Besides the usual, I meant.

REINHARDT: TEAM MEETING!  
REINHARDT: IMPORTANT DISCUSSION!  
REINHARDT: LEAVE YOUR INPUT BELOW!

MEI: SORRY INPUT MACHINE BROKE!

LUCIO: haha mei just memed

TRACER: that doesnt really happen a lot

MEI: Sometimes I get lucky.

BRIGITTE: I WANT TO GO BACK TO BED!

REINHARDT: NO ONE SLEEPS UNTIL WE HAVE HASHED THIS OUT!

BRIGITTE: SO WHY IS JESSE SLEEPING?

REINHARDT: IT WAS AN INVOLUNTARY NAP!  
REINHARDT: ANA SLEEP DARTED HIM!

BRIGITTE: I WISH SHE WOULD SLEEP DART ME!

ANA: BE CAREFUL WHAT U WISH FOR

GENJI: can we like not keep yelling?

BRIGITTE: I'M VOICING MY FRUSTRATION!

WINSTON: I'll ask again.  
WINSTON: What is happening here?

D.VA: i asked a question and i think it got out of hand

PHARAH: You think?

MEI: What question could possibly trigger such a reaction?

D.VA: why does the fridge have lights but the freezer doesnt?

MEI: ...

BRIGITTE: Are you absolutely kidding me?

PHARAH: You woke me up for this?

D.VA: dont pretend that you and angela werent just netflix and chilling all night

MERCY: WHY DO YOU ALL KNOW THESE THINGS?

D.VA: _I CAN HEAR YOU_  
D.VA: _IT SOUNDS LIKE WE HAVE A RIVER FLOWING THROUGH BASE_

BRIGITTE: Ew.

LUCIO: _STOP_

WINSTON: Surely we could have picked a better time for this.

REINHARDT: There's no time like the present.

HANZO: In the present, most of us are trying to sleep.

GENJI: bitch

HANZO: Prick.

GENJI: brother killer

HANZO: Least favorite son.

GENJI: WOW

HANZO: I'm going back to bed.

GENJI: SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN

HANZO: I'll keep that in mind.

MEI: I'm joining Hanzo.  
MEI: I'm too tired for this nonsense.

LUCIO: boo

REINHARDT: DON'T GO, WE NEED OPINIONS!

HANZO: My opinion is that you're all a bunch of fucking morons.

TRACER: thats not opinion thats just fact

REAPER: **Don't insult morons like that.**

ANA: Yeah at least the morons could probably beat us

REAPER: **Listen here, you little shit.**

MERCY: We are no closer to knowing this answer than we were an hour ago.

76: We should've just stopped caring about it.

LUCIO: you give us too much credit

76: Clearly.

TRACER: WAIT  
TRACER: I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING

PHARAH: Not again.

BRIGITTE: We don't need this it's like four in the morning.

TRACER: why is it called a tv set when there's only one?

REINHARDT: NOT AGAIN!

LUCIO: STOP DONT DO THIS TO ME

ANA: _WHY IS IT CALLED A DRIVE THRU IF U HAVE TO STOP?_

LUCIO: PLS

GENJI: CAN NOT COMPUTE

MOIRA: _**WHAT DOES WATER TASTE LIKE?**_

LUCIO: ALKHGJDGBKDJEKHNGB

REINHARDT: ERROR 404!  
REINHARDT: REINHARDT.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING!

D.VA: MY BRAIN IS MELTING

**[LUCIO] has left chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] has left chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

**[D.VA] has left chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] has left chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

**[MOIRA O'DEORAIN] has left chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] has left chatroom [WHOEVER KEEPS PLAYING THE MOANING VINE OVER THE PA SYSTEM NEEDS TO STOP]**

76: ...

MERCY: ...

BRIGITTE: ...

ANA: U know those are all pretty good questions

HANZO: Shut the fuck up.

__________________________________

MCCREE: morning yall what the fuck happened last night?

WINSTON: I...don't really know anymore.

ANA: Some shit

MCCREE: obviously  
MCCREE: theres just a trail of destruction leading out into the courtyard

SOMBRA: moira kept freaking people out with her questions and eventually everyone just stopped working and destroyed things in confusion

76: Can we make it just one day without destroying something?

PHARAH: Keep dreaming.

BRIGITTE: I wanted to dream.  
BRIGITTE: But instead I was forced to listen to this shit all night.

HANZO: I thought when the six of them left the chat it would at least stop.  
HANZO: Nope.  
HANZO: Genji came into my room and screamed at me through a megaphone.

ANA: OMG STOP

HANZO: My ears are still ringing.

ANA: LMAO THATS AMAZING

MERCY: They'll tire out eventually.  
MERCY: I hope.

SOMBRA: i wouldnt bet on that  
SOMBRA: reinhardt just threw genji into the water

WINSTON: Why?

MERCY: Genji's made of metal.  
MERCY: He's going to sink.

HANZO: I think that was the point.

76: I can't believe this.

MCCREE: believe it jack  
MCCREE: its been happening for years at this point

76: I keep hoping that this is just some nightmare and eventually I'm going to wake up and be back in Dorado.

ANA: How was dorado any better than this?

76: It was.  
76: Don't ask.

WINSTON: Why are you all like this?

MERCY: Now that's a question that we really can't answer.

WINSTON: It shouldn't be.

MCCREE: what can i say?  
MCCREE: were a bunch of geniuses

WINSTON: You are all literally the exact opposite of geniuses.


	56. infinity war meets overwatch

BRIGITTE: Why is Lucio laughing so hard?

LUCIO: YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

ANA: I cant believe that i actually just saw that happen

MCCREE: what  
MCCREE: in every sense of the word  
MCCREE: the fuck

D.VA: DONT WORRY LUCIO IM LOSING IT TOO

76: What the hell happened?

MERCY: I just...  
MERCY: I don't even know anymore.

MCCREE: genji made a really lame joke and when he tried to dab afterwards his arm broke off

SOMBRA: OMG STOP

GENJI: ITS NOT FUNNY  
GENJI: I JUST GOT IT REATTACHED

REINHARDT: This is karma.

GENJI: STFU U LOVE THE DAB

REINHARDT: Not when you do it.

BRIGITTE: How does this even happen?

MERCY: I don't even know anymore.  
MERCY: I want to switch locations.

MCCREE: you kinda cant  
MCCREE: gibraltar is the only base we have

MERCY: Indifferent.

76: At this point, I'd rather just live in a shack in the woods rather than deal with all of you.

D.VA: well go ahead we wouldnt miss you

LUCIO: yeah fuck you jack

76: I'll kill you.

LUCIO: youd just be doing me a favor anyway

D.VA: dark af

LUCIO: honestly at this point in my life all i have to look forward to is death

76: ...

WINSTON: ...

MERCY: ...

REINHARDT: ...

DOOMFIST: Is there something you want to tell us?

LUCIO: im pretty sure i already did

MCCREE: well this chat just got mighty depressing

BRIGITTE: It's kind of better than the alternative.

MOIRA: Don't be so sure.

GENJI: well if u want to die i know a guy

HANZO: Just stop.

ANA: Shut up and put ur arm back on

GENJI: IM TRYING  
GENJI: DONT MAKE FUN OF ME

BRIGITTE: That's literally all you're useful for.

GENJI: WOW

TRACER: hey i know how to make this happier

WINSTON: If it involves guns, explosions, water balloons, or robotic beavers, it's not allowed.

TRACER: ...

MCCREE: that wasnt my fault

76: What the fuck were you expecting to happen?

MCCREE: LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

REINHARDT: Of all the things...  
REINHARDT: Robotic beavers?

MCCREE: just dont

MOIRA: Wait, what's this about?

MCCREE: NOTHING

MOIRA: THIS IS A STORY I WANT TO KNOW!

ANA: Sorry confidential information  
ANA: U need to be a member of overwatch in order to learn it

MOIRA: ...

REAPER: **DON'T FUCKING DO IT.**

MOIRA: I REALLY WANT TO KNOW, THOUGH!

REAPER: **YOU LEAVE TALON, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF!**

MOIRA: YES, BECAUSE THAT CLEARLY WORKED SO WELL WITH WIDOWMAKER!

REAPER: **THAT'S DIFFERENT!**

WIDOWMAKER: It is.  
WIDOWMAKER: Unlike you, Gabe can't take me in a fight.

REAPER: **STOP CALLING ME THAT!**

76: Gabe knows how to fight.  
76: You should've seen him in the Army.  
76: He sent the Drill Sergeant to the infirmary.

REAPER: **That's what he deserved for taking my tater tots.**

76: I know.

WIDOWMAKER: Even so.  
WIDOWMAKER: I was specifically trained to kill.  
WIDOWMAKER: Gabe was not.

REAPER: **STOP!**

LUCIO: so why can jack say it and we cant?

TRACER: cause him and jack are in love duh?

76: We're not...

ANA: Save it  
ANA: No one wants to hear it anymore

MCCREE: okay lena what was this big plan you had?

TRACER: movie night!

REINHARDT: Not again.

MERCY: Please don't make us suffer through this.  
MERCY: I'm still trying to forget the last one happened.

MCCREE: come on that wasnt even our faults  
MCCREE: liao did that completely on his own

REINHARDT: _I did not **ever** need to see Liao wearing Borat's banana hammock._

GENJI: thats hot

MERCY: Uh, no.  
MERCY: It was the exact opposite of hot.

REAPER: **That image almost turned me straight on sight.**

76: Gabe...

REAPER: **Key word being, "Almost."**

TRACER: ill pick a different movie!

MERCY: Like what?

TRACER: ummmmm  
TRACER: avengers infinity war?

ANA: I thought we were trying to get rid of the depression  
ANA: Thats only gonna make everything worse

MCCREE: i actually never saw that

GENJI: same

ANA: Its depressing af

PHARAH: You watched it like twelve times.  
PHARAH: On repeat!

ANA: ...And ur point is?

TRACER: cmon itll be fun!  
TRACER: even if its sad itll give us a chance to unwind!

WINSTON: Having you all unwind scares me almost as much as having you all wound up.

MERCY: I'm not interested, sorry.  
MERCY: Plus, I know Genji isn't smart enough to reattach his arm.

GENJI: guilty as charged  
GENJI: but i wanna see it so wait

LUCIO: ill come

D.VA: i got nothing better to do

TRACER: yay!  
TRACER: ill go get it set up and you guys meet me in the common room in a half hour

MERCY: Make it forty minutes.  
MERCY: Attaching this piece of shit takes time.

GENJI: hey be respectful to my arm

MERCY: No.  
MERCY: Your arm has caused more pain and suffering than literally anything else on base.

GENJI: untrue

MERCY: Totally true.

GENJI: OKAY FINE

TRACER: ill get the popcorn!  
TRACER: see you guys soon!

_____________________________

MCCREE: little one, its a simple calculus  
MCCREE: the universe is finite, its resources, finite.  
MCCREE: if life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist  
MCCREE: it needs correcting  
MCCREE: dread it  
MCCREE: run from it  
MCCREE: destiny still arrives  
MCCREE:

**[REAPER] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[WINSTON] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[HANA "D.VA" SONG] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[ZARYA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[JUNKRAT] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[ZENYATTA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[SOLDIER: 76] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[SYMMETRA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[MOIRA O'DEORAIN] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

MCCREE: perfectly balanced  
MCCREE: as all things should be

GENJI: did u actually just?

TRACER: HAHAHA IM DYING

MERCY: Um...what just happened?

LUCIO: jesse just deleted half the universe

MCCREE: the universe needed balance

GENJI: alright calm down there thanos  
GENJI: its just a fucking movie

ANA: Why have u done this?

MCCREE: i got inspired by thanos  
MCCREE: so i asked sombra to mess with everyones stuff  
MCCREE: now whenever i send that picture of thanos snapping half the chat gets removed

REINHARDT: But, we have almost 30 people in here.  
REINHARDT: You didn't even remove half the chat.

MCCREE: details details

MERCY: How?

SOMBRA: im a hacker  
SOMBRA: i hack things  
SOMBRA: i dont see whats so hard about that

LUCIO: it wasnt supposed to get rid of hana tho

SOMBRA: its completely randomized  
SOMBRA: i cant control what it does  
SOMBRA: sadly

HANZO: What's even the point?

MCCREE: its a meme  
MCCREE: either go hard or go home

HANZO: I choose go home.

GENJI: too bad ur staying

ROADHOG: i appreciate the commitment to a stupid little meme  
ROADHOG: but is it really necessary?

MCCREE: completely  
MCCREE: besides i was running out of ideas to mess things up

PHARAH: You could just not mess things up.

GENJI: thats no fun

LUCIO: yeah really how boring would that be?

DOOMFIST: Just about as boring as sitting in this office.

LUCIO: lmao why are you sitting in an office?

DOOMFIST: We were supposed to have a meeting.  
DOOMFIST: Apparently Moira and Reaper didn't get the message.

SOMBRA: yeah thats because i blocked them from receiving messages from the board

DOOMFIST: Why are you like this?

SOMBRA: if im not who will be?

DOOMFIST: I would prefer no one.

WIDOWMAKER: Likewise.

SOMBRA: rude

WIDOWMAKER: What happened here?

GENJI: can u read?

WIDOWMAKER: Much better than you can, I'm sure.

GENJI: ...okay but

MCCREE: im quoting a movie

WIDOWMAKER: Quoting a movie?

MCCREE: yeah

WIDOWMAKER: Why?

MCCREE: for my own amusement

WIDOWMAKER: ...  
WIDOWMAKER: You're such a virgin.

LUCIO: DEAD

TRACER: BWAHAHAHA

MCCREE: YOU KNOW WHAT?  
MCCREE: 

**[WIDOWMAKER] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[EMILY] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[DOOMFIST] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

TRACER: NOOOOO  
TRACER: NOT BOTH OF MY GIRLFRIENDS!

ANA: And genji

LUCIO: well remember you fondly genji

MEI: What is going on here?

MCCREE: balancing out the universe

MEI: ...  
MEI: Please don't tell me that you watched that stupid movie.

MCCREE: IT WAS NOT STUPID  
MCCREE: IT WAS A MASTERPIECE  
MCCREE: AND I DONT APPRECIATE YOUR TONE  
MCCREE: 

**[PHARAH] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[ORISA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[SOMBRA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

REINHARDT: No one man should have this much power.

LUCIO: at least lenas with her girlfriends now

ROADHOG: can we stop?

MCCREE: no

ANA: Hi im sorry how the fuck did u manage to get sombra out?

MCCREE: the power of balancing

LUCIO: winstons been trying to do that for like a year and jesse just does it with a stupid meme

MCCREE: its not stupid

ROADHOG: eventually youre gonna run out of people to remove

MCCREE: someday  
MCCREE: but until someone annoys me i dont have to

ANA: But ur literally always annoyed

LUCIO: who else is even still here?

ROADHOG: me

REINHARDT: I HAVE SURVIVED!

ANA: hi

MCCREE: howdy

BASTION: :D

LUCIO: okay good bastions still with us  
LUCIO: i was worried that we lost him for a second

HANZO: I'm also still here.  
HANZO: Unfortunately.

MCCREE: congrats hanzo  
MCCREE: youve outlived your brother

HANZO: It's not the first time.

LUCIO: LMAO!

ANA: Okay seriously this is stupid  
ANA: the chats only half fun right now

MCCREE: i thought this was cool

ANA: Well ur an idiot so that doesnt surprise me

MCCREE: DONT INSULT ME

ANA: Im insulting u  
ANA: Do something

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: 

**[ANA AMARI] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

LUCIO: OMG IM LAUGHING SO HARD I THINK IM GONNA PUKE

REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: THATS IT YOU BROKE ME  
LUCIO: I CANT ANYMORE

ROADHOG: i dont even know what to say anymore

REINHARDT: Just accept it.  
REINHARDT: He had to learn his lesson somehow.  
REINHARDT: With great power, comes great responsibility.

ROADHOG: or great idiocy

REINHARDT: Both sayings apply.

LUCIO: hey i wonder if itll still work if i do it

ROADHOG: why?  
ROADHOG: how much more empty does this chat need to be?

LUCIO: im just curious

REINHARDT: Curiousity killed the cat.  
REINHARDT: Or in this case, eliminated it from existence.

LUCIO: come on all it does is kick people out of the chat

REINHARDT: Are you sure?  
REINHARDT: Maybe it's secretly doing exactly what it did in the movie.  
REINHARDT: Maybe they're in the soul stone, begging for someone to save them.

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: well now i have to check

ROADHOG: dont

LUCIO: 

**[LUCIO] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] has been removed from chatroom [SIX ATE SEVEN'S ASS]**

ROADHOG: and now im alone

BASTION: :(

ROADHOG: oh right i forgot you were here  
ROADHOG: ...  
ROADHOG: so now what?

BASTION: (•‿•)

ROADHOG: ...  
ROADHOG: i guess i could go for some food right now

BASTION: (づ◔ ͜ʖ◔)づ

ROADHOG: i like you  
ROADHOG: you dont talk as much as everyone else  
ROADHOG: and since im basically alone with you now i guess we need to become friends

BASTION: ヽ(•́o•̀)ノ

ROADHOG: i have no idea if they can join back and i really dont care  
ROADHOG: this is what they get

BASTION: ...

ROADHOG: okay fine well try to fix it  
ROADHOG: but after dinner because im hungry

BASTION: :)

ROADHOG: i dont know anymore  
ROADHOG: i thought the rat was bad  
ROADHOG: but the rest of them are just as bad if not worse  
ROADHOG: but i guess this is what i signed up for

BASTION: ^_^


	57. math has no place here get it out of my face

WINSTON: Let's not do this again.

MCCREE: aw come on it was fun

ANA: It was even more fun when ur stupid ass removed urself

MCCREE: LISTEN  
MCCREE: IT WAS RANDOM

GENJI: how different would that ending have been if thanos deleted himself?

D.VA: would he delete the infinity gauntlet with him?

LUCIO: could the soul stone disappear into itself?

TRACER: STOP!  
TRACER: IM STILL RECOVERING FROM MY LAST BRAIN ANEURYSM

D.VA: the best way to fix an aneurysm is to have another one

LUCIO: yeah it cancels out like pemdas or some shit

MERCY: ...Did any of you actually go to school?

LUCIO: yes  
LUCIO: no  
LUCIO: kind of

SYMMETRA: So, no?

LUCIO: yeah no  
LUCIO: i was too busy trying to survive after vishkar destroyed my home

SYMMETRA: Don't rope me in with all of them.

LUCIO: im just saying

SYMMETRA: Do you even know what PEMDAS is?

MCCREE: isnt it the scientific name for cervical cancer?

SYMMETRA: ...What?

MERCY: No.  
MERCY: Not even close.

MCCREE: cant say im surprised  
MCCREE: i grew up in a gang idk what you were expecting

GENJI: i went to school  
GENJI: kinda

HANZO: We were homeschooled.  
HANZO: Our father didn't want us associating with the normal people.

GENJI: plebs

HANZO: If that's what you want to call them, sure.

GENJI: fucking plebs

D.VA: wait so whats pemdas?

MERCY: None of you went to school at all?

D.VA: nope  
D.VA: dropped out after middle school and started my streaming career  
D.VA: and then started training for the meka stuff

SYMMETRA: PEMDAS is something they teach in grade school.

D.VA: mustve missed that one

TRACER: i know what it is!  
TRACER: isnt it the order of operations for math problems?

MERCY: ...Close enough.

GENJI: how is the word pemdas supposed to help me with math?

HANZO: Divine Intervention from God himself could not help you with Math.

GENJI: fuck u

SYMMETRA: PEMDAS isn't a word.  
SYMMETRA: It's an acronym.

LUCIO: a what?

D.VA: does it do flips?

MERCY: ...What the fuck is wrong with you two?

LUCIO: more than youll ever understand

SYMMETRA: Acronym.  
SYMMETRA: Not acrobat, Hana.

D.VA: shit

76: Why exactly are we having a school lesson right now?

MCCREE: would you rather have us blow something up or destroy another part of the watchpoint?

76: ...Fair point.  
76: I'll stop talking.

LUCIO: thank god

SYMMETRA: An acronym is an abbreviation of a longer saying or organization using the initials of the words used.

GENJI: can u give an example?

SYMMETRA: ...NASA.

GENJI: i see

LUCIO: WAIT  
LUCIO: ISNT NASA JUST ONE WORD?

SYMMETRA: ...

MERCY: ...Seriously?

REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: HEY

D.VA: hahahaha

LUCIO: SO WHAT DOES NASA STAND FOR?

SYMMETRA: National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: my entire life is a lie

BRIGITTE: Don't we all wish.

LUCIO: when did you get here?

BRIGITTE: I've been here.  
BRIGITTE: I just haven't said anything because I'm still shook over the fact that none of you have a brain in your heads.

GENJI: my brain was destroyed when hanzo killed me

BRIGITTE: I can tell.

TRACER: haha rekted

BRIGITTE: The fact that Satya and Angela are actually trying to teach you is commendable.  
BRIGITTE: Since the five of you are pretty much beyond saving at this point.

MCCREE: i thought we were friends

BRIGITTE: We are.  
BRIGITTE: You're just a bunch of fucking idiots.

LUCIO: ill come back to this later  
LUCIO: please keep teaching me

SYMMETRA: Where were we, again?

GENJI: pemdas

SYMMETRA: Right.  
SYMMETRA: Okay, PEMDAS is the order of operation involving multi-step math problems.

MCCREE: aaaaaaand you lost me  
MCCREE: might as well just start speaking to me in mandarin since ill probably understand that before i understand math

SYMMETRA: Bear with me.  
SYMMETRA: PEMDAS is an acronym for Parentheses Exponent Multiply Divide Add Subtract.  
SYMMETRA: That's the order you need to do the problems when they appear.

D.VA: my brain hurts

SYMMETRA: Here, I'll give you a practice question.  
SYMMETRA: (9x5)-4

LUCIO: 14

D.VA: -9

MCCREE: no one cares

GENJI: seconded

TRACER: is it 41?

SYMMETRA: Yes!

MERCY: Someone actually figured it out.  
MERCY: Surprising.

MCCREE: come on lena isnt supposed to be smarter than me

TRACER: i actually took some classes you know!

D.VA: so where does the acronym come in?

SYMMETRA: There are multiple ways that you can remember the order of the words.  
SYMMETRA: Some people like using silly mnemonics to help them remember.  
SYMMETRA: The most popular being Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.

LUCIO: i didnt know you had an aunt sally

SYMMETRA: ...I legitimately can not tell if you're joking or not.

BRIGITTE: Just trust me.  
BRIGITTE: He's serious.

LUCIO: ...OH  
LUCIO: OH I GET IT NOW  
LUCIO: IGNORE ME

MERCY: I was planning to.

D.VA: so is that what everyone uses to remember?

SYMMETRA: I think it's the most common one.  
SYMMETRA: You're allowed to make your own if it helps you remember better.

MCCREE: Penis Everyday Makes Doctors Asses Sweat

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LUCIO: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM CRYING

GENJI: JESSE U FUCKING LEGEND OMG

REINHARDT: Should've known someone would ruin it.

MCCREE: thats what im here for

ANA: I cant believe that u literally wasted ten minutes trying to teach these idiots math

SYMMETRA: Their curiosity encouraged me.  
SYMMETRA: I thought they genuinely wanted to learn.

MERCY: Ha.

BRIGITTE: It's the thought that counts.

LUCIO: i mean  
LUCIO: if nothing else  
LUCIO: i learned that nasa wasnt a real word  
LUCIO: its actually an acrobat

SYMMETRA: Acronym...

LUCIO: ...oh

D.VA: dumbass

LUCIO: fuck you

REINHARDT: Good to see that we've accomplished nothing.

WINSTON: As per the usual.

PHARAH: I feel like I just read the plot for a really bad comedy movie.

ANA: Starring adam sandler

REINHARDT: LEAVE ADAM OUT OF THIS!  
REINHARDT: I THINK ADAM SANDLER IS A GENIUS!

ANA: U and no one else

PHARAH: Don't insult Adam Sandler this way.  
PHARAH: He's much better than any of these idiots.

LUCIO: LEAVE ME ALONE

PHARAH: I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT I'VE SEEN HERE TODAY!

LUCIO: YOU WONT REMEMBER IF YOURE DEAD

PHARAH: BRING IT PUSSY!

WINSTON: _STOP!_

_______________________________________________________

MCCREE: can you not?

LUCIO: the risk i took was calculated  
LUCIO: but man am i bad at math

PHARAH: I'll admit.  
PHARAH: I'm impressed you even took a swing at me.

LUCIO: how did you counter so fast?

PHARAH: I'm military trained.  
PHARAH: It's kind of second nature.

D.VA: you shouldve used pemdas

LUCIO: fuck your pemdas

MCCREE: maybe if you used it fareeha wouldnt have hurt you so bad

LUCIO: doubt it

PHARAH: Hey, you started it.

LUCIO: i dont learn from past mistakes

ANA: Duh

BRIGITTE: You're an idiot.

LUCIO: fuck you

BRIGITTE: Fight me.

LUCIO: i would but im still recovering from fareehas punch

BRIGITTE: You'd lose anyway.

LUCIO: i dont think so

GENJI: i do

LUCIO: i can and will kill you

GENJI: u most certainly cant  
GENJI: but good luck

D.VA: lucios getting really ballsy now

MCCREE: thats because i poured four loko into his latte

REINHARDT: ...Why?

MCCREE: idk  
MCCREE: just felt like a cool thing to do at the time

LUCIO: that explains why i can smell colors

D.VA: ...what?

LUCIO: i cant explain it

ANA: Should we be worried?

MERCY: Although Four Loko is highly unhealthy, one drink should be okay.

MCCREE: it was more like six

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Where did you even get it?

MCCREE: places

SYMMETRA: Well, stop giving it to people.

MCCREE: its mainly for me  
MCCREE: i just hate that flavor

WINSTON: We have a very strict policy on food and drinks that we allow into the Watchpoint.

MCCREE: you can take it away  
MCCREE: if you can find it  
MCCREE: which you cant so dont worry about it

D.VA: hell survive  
D.VA: hes been through worse

LUCIO: i think the rush is kicking in

TRACER: now?  
TRACER: its been like two hours

LUCIO: dont know why

GENJI: prob cause ur an idiot

LUCIO: FUCK YOU

GENJI: SUCK MY DICK

LUCIO: DONT FUCK WITH ME  
LUCIO: I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE  
LUCIO: HYAAAAAAAA

TRACER: im crying

REINHARDT: LUCIO, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!

WINSTON: Can we go back to teaching them about math?

SYMMETRA: If I had the mental stability to do so, maybe.

MCCREE: we literally just survived the balancing of the universe and the two of them are still going to try and kill each other

ANA: Just another day at the watchpoint

MERCY: This shouldn't be the norm.

ANA: Well it is  
ANA: So deal with it


	58. i dont even know what the fuck is going on anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I think my shit posting machine sprung a leak all over this chapter. That might explain why it's a total fucking mess.

**6-26-20XX**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

LIAO: this chat name is such a mood

MORRISON: ...Is there something you want to talk about?

MCCREE: nothing that we havent said a million times before

MIREMBE: I can't even tell if you're serious anymore.

MCCREE: im dead inside  
MCCREE: i really cant tell either

LIAO: same

MORRISON: Jesse, you're like 20 years old.  
MORRISON: You don't even do anything.  
MORRISON: How could you possibly be dead inside?

ANA: Trust me  
ANA: They are  
ANA: Cause i am too

MIREMBE: Remember when Overwatch was a fun organization filled with happy people?

LIAO: lol no

MCCREE: that mustve been before i joined

ANA: U didnt join  
ANA: U were forced  
ANA: It was either this or prison

MCCREE: i think i made the wrong choice

LIAO: you did

MCCREE: fuck you

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

TRACER: do you guys want any candy?

MCCREE: candy?

LIAO: theres candy?

REINHARDT: It's leftover from Halloween.

MORRISON: Halloween was almost a year ago.

TRACER: its still good!

REYES: I literally saw you put a green chocolate bar in your mouth.

TRACER: and it was delicious!

ANA: Does this honestly surprise u?

REYES: Not really.  
REYES: But that doesn't mean I still can't be disgusted.

ANA: Fair

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

GENJI: did someone say candy?

TRACER: reinhardt and i are giving it out in the common room!

REINHARDT: Mainly because I don't eat chocolate bars.

LIAO: COMMIE!

REINHARDT: _IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE, YOU CAN TALK IT OUT WITH MY HAMMER, BITCH BOY!_

LIAO: ...im sorry

REINHARDT: YOU SHOULD BE!

KIMIKO: Isn't that candy like two years old?

LACROIX: That's what we were just arguing about.

MERCY: It's always arguing with you guys.  
MERCY: Don't you ever have a happy conversation?

ANA: Yeah sometimes we talk about how much we all hate jesse

MCCREE: mcfucking rude

GENJI: stop fucking doing that

MCCREE: haha no  
MCCREE: suck my mcfucking dick

GENJI: i hate u

MCCREE: join the club

REYES: Do you have any Kit-Kat bars?

REINHARDT: For you?  
REINHARDT: Nope.

REYES: Why?

REINHARDT: I will not give you a Kit Kat so you can eat it the way you do.

REYES: I don't see what's so bad about it.

KIMIKO: The way you eat it is literally inhumane.

REYES: It's just a candy bar.

LIAO: if the public knew how you ate kit kats they would throw rocks at you every time you went out

REYES: You're all overreacting.

ANA: Are we tho?

GENJI: yeah its not our fault ur unholy

REYES: ...

MERCY: They're not wrong.

REYES: Now you're starting with me?

MERCY: It needed to be said.

REYES: ...Can I just have one?

TRACER: no!

REINHARDT: I'll save it for someone who's actually going to eat it properly.

REYES: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY I EAT KIT KATS!

MCCREE: i bet the un would disagree

ANA: yeah u could lose ur job over that u fucking nazi

REYES: I doubt it.

LACROIX: I don't.  
LACROIX: People have been fired for less.  
LACROIX: Like Roger.

MCCREE: fuck roger

KIMIKO: I'm not apologizing.

LACROIX: You should be ashamed of yourself.

KIMIKO: Key word there being, "Should."

REYES: I'm taking a Kit Kat.

REINHARDT: _DO IT AND YOU DIE!_  
REINHARDT: **_VIOLENTLY!_**

REYES: BRING IT!

_______________________

REINHARDT: YOU FILTHY HEATHEN!  
REINHARDT: COME BACK HERE!

REYES: NO!

WINSTON: What is happening here?

MORRISON: Don't ask.

ANA: Just accept

WINSTON: Accepting all of your idiocy is not an easy task.

REINHARDT: REYES, I SWEAR TO ALL THINGS HOLY!

REYES: I'M TAKING A BITE!

GENJI: NO

ANA: DONT FUCKING DARE

LIAO: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU WITH YOUR OWN SHOTGUNS

REYES: 

GENJI: DLKGJDGNDSJBHGKJLDHJG

REINHARDT: _**HERETIC!**_

KIMIKO: I'm calling the Police.

LACROIX: Forget the Police.  
LACROIX: I'm calling the National Guard.

ANA: Ill one up u both  
ANA: Im calling every army in the world

MCCREE: im calling the omnics so they can just kill us all

WINSTON: I'm calling my superiors and having you all sent back to whatever caves you spawned in.

GENJI: damn that one hurt

MORRISON: You know.  
MORRISON: I try not to disagree with your personal preferences.  
MORRISON: But I have to admit that I'm deeply offended by this one.

ANA: stfu

MCCREE: yeah seriously you pour milk in before the cereal  
MCCREE: youre not any better

MORRISON: That's not nearly as bad.

KIMIKO: Disagree.

MERCY: This is why the two of you are so perfect for one another.

LIAO: yeah youre both fucking awful human beings

REYES: Coming from the guy that killed a pony with a flamethrower.

LIAO: _LISTEN_

MIREMBE: In front of all the kids at the petting zoo.

LIAO: I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS THERE

MERCY: That is not the point of this conversation at all.

WINSTON: Wait, when did this happen?

KIMIKO: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING WITH A FLAMETHROWER AT A PETTING ZOO?

LIAO: STUFF

KIMIKO: NOT GOOD ENOUGH, LIAO!  
KIMIKO: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

LACROIX: I'm still holding out hope that one day you'll all start acting normal.

MIREMBE: Keep dreaming.

LACROIX: That's all I have at this point.

GENJI: that and amelies fine ass

TRACER: true

LACROIX: Could you not speak of my wife like that?

GENJI: hey man im giving u props  
GENJI: not too many people can reel in a catch like that

LIAO: stop with the fishing analogies

GENJI: no

MORRISON: Have you ever even gone fishing?

GENJI: once  
GENJI: i try to repress the memories of that day

MCCREE: why?  
MCCREE: still mad that i had to pull you out of the creek?

GENJI: I WAS HANDLING IT JESSE!

MCCREE: it sure seemed that way when you sank to the bottom like a rock

GENJI: fuck u

LACROIX: While I'm flattered.  
LACROIX: I would prefer that you didn't talk about my wife like that.

GENJI: okay one last question and then im done

MERCY: Please don't.

KIMIKO: Yeah really just stop.

GENJI: how many times a day does her ass ride ur face?

LACROIX: ...

**[GENJI SHIMADA] has been removed from chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

LIAO: IM FUCKING CRYING LAUGHING  
LIAO: THERE ARE ACTUALLY TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE  
LIAO: SOMEONE SAVE ME

WINSTON: ...I can't say that he didn't deserve that.

MIREMBE: If you ask me, he deserves far worse.

MCCREE: not as worse as reyes deserves for the way he eats kit kats

REYES: Don't tempt me.

MCCREE: if you do it im coming to your room and strangling you with my bare fucking hands

REYES:

MCCREE: IM TRIGGERED

ANA: IM SUPER TRIGGERED

LIAO: I FUCKING HATE YOU

KIMIKO: 

MCCREE: NO

ANA: STOP IT

LIAO: DONT MAKE IT WORSE DAMMIT  
LIAO: ITS BAD ENOUGH AS IT IS

MORRISON:

REINHARDT: 

MIREMBE: I feel like I need to bathe in Holy Water after witnessing this.

MERCY: All of the Holy Water in the universe will not cleanse this evil from us.

MCCREE: we can drown reyes in it  
MCCREE: thatll be a start

REYES: Shut up.

TRACER: this sequence of events just made me so sad  
TRACER: like i dont even want to eat my candy anymore

REYES: That's probably a good thing.  
REYES: We don't need you throwing up all over the cockpit again.

TRACER: THAT WAS ONE TIME

MORRISON: Three times.

TRACER: WHATEVER

WINSTON: I don't even know what to say about this.

LIAO: say that jack and reyes are fired and then well all be a happy family again

MORRISON: You can't fire me.  
MORRISON: The UN put me in charge.

KIMIKO: I'm sure they'd reconsider if they just saw what we all did.

MCCREE: genji had the right idea being thrown out

ANA: Agreed

MCCREE: hey gerard does amelie have implants in her ass?

ANA: Does it feel as majestic as it looks?

LIAO: have you put your dick in it?

**[JESSE MCCREE] has been removed from chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[ANA AMARI] has been removed from chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[LIAO] has been removed from chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

TRACER: im laughing so hard

MERCY: Why exactly is Gerard a moderator?

WINSTON: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

KIMIKO: That chat name has never been more relatable than it is right now.

REINHARDT: I can't believe I was forced to sit through this.

REYES: Don't pretend you didn't love it.

**[GABRIEL REYES] has been removed from chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

**[JACK MORRISON] has been removed from chatroom [I MAY LOOK OKAY BUT I ACTUALLY WANNA FUCKING DIE]**

REINHARDT: Thank you, Gérard.

LACROIX: It was the least I could do.

KIMIKO: I think we need to seriously reconsider the people that we put in charge.

WINSTON: I think you all just need therapy.

MIREMBE: Not even therapy could save Overwatch at this point.


	59. lost and confused part 1

76: The Watchpoint is very quiet right now.  
76: And that concerns me greatly.

WINSTON: I sent most of the team out on a mission.  
WINSTON: Where there's no service.

MCCREE: i knew i made the right decision to not go

MERCY: Eating an entire tray of raw chicken to make yourself throw up in order to get out of it is not a smart decision at all.

MCCREE: youre just upset that you didnt think of it first

MERCY: I can assure you that I'm not.

ANA: How the fuck did u manage that?

WINSTON: Persuasion.

MCCREE: oh bullshit  
MCCREE: he said whoever made it there first wouldnt have to wash the dishes for a month

REINHARDT: So when they come back and start fighting, then what?

MCCREE: they aint coming back for a while anyway

ANA: Why?

WINSTON: Satya and I might have programmed the Orca to return when everyone got off.

ANA: Wow winston is officially 285719% done with this bullshit

SYMMETRA: We needed a few hours of peace and quiet.  
SYMMETRA: For once.

MERCY: Do you at least know where they are?  
MERCY: So we can pick them up afterwards?

WINSTON: Not entirely.  
WINSTON: We set the auto-pilot to land at a random destination.  
WINSTON: We didn't see where.

MERCY: So, a group of our most irresponsible members are essentially abandoned in the middle of nowhere.  
MERCY: We have no idea where they are.  
MERCY: They have no cell phone service.  
MERCY: And they have no way of getting back?

WINSTON: That's correct.

MERCY: ...

MCCREE: who are you and what have you done with winston?

WINSTON: This was the only way I could think of to get them out of my hair.

ANA: Honestly thats better than what i wouldve done  
ANA: I prob wouldve just killed them

SYMMETRA: Ana...

ANA: Im obviously joking

REINHARDT: Are you though?

ANA: ...somewhat

MERCY: You're going to get them all killed.  
MERCY: Or at least seriously injured.

WINSTON: It's under control.  
WINSTON: I sent Zenyatta and Reyes with them.

ANA: why would u do that to them?

WINSTON: They volunteered.

MCCREE: zenyatta did  
MCCREE: i seem to remember zarya manhandling reyes into the orca and then slamming the door

ZARYA: He sure talks big game for someone who is weaker than kitten.

76: YOU SENT REYES WITH THEM?  
76: HE'S NOT EVEN PART OF THE TEAM!

WINSTON: I needed at least one responsible adult to go with them.

76: AND YOU COULDN'T PICK LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE?

WINSTON: You never would have agreed.  
WINSTON: Reinhardt and Pharah and far too easily corrupted.

REINHARDT: Rude.

WINSTON: I can't trust Ana in any leadership position after the Steakhouse fiasco.

ANA: _LOOK_

WINSTON: Angela is needed on base.  
WINSTON: Torbjorn doesn't leave the armory.  
WINSTON: And I wasn't going to put Satya through that.

76: SO WHY DO IT TO REYES?

MCCREE: eh if anyone needs to be driven crazy hes the one that deserves it most

76: WHY NOT JUST SEND ZENYATTA?

WINSTON: Because, like Reinhardt, he's also easily corrupted.  
WINSTON: Reyes was the only other option I had that I knew wasn't going to be persuaded by them.

BRIGITTE: Are you sure this was a good idea?

WINSTON: I guess time will tell.

DOOMFIST: I have no real idea how you managed to get Sombra to go along with this.

SYMMETRA: We tried to get Moira too.  
SYMMETRA: Apparently, she saw right through it.

MOIRA: I'm not nearly as gullible as you all seem to think.

WIDOWMAKER: Did you see the puppies in the conference room?

MOIRA: WHERE???  
MOIRA: ...  
MOIRA: OH HAHA YOU'RE SO FUCKING FUNNY!

WIDOWMAKER: Just needed to prove a point.

MOIRA: I HATE YOU!

WIDOWMAKER: The feeling is mutual.

MERCY: So, what exactly are we going to do about this?

WINSTON: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

MCCREE: how much closer to it do we need to come?

WINSTON: I'll handle it.

MEI: I just caught up on this conversation.  
MEI: Just why?

WINSTON: It was sort of an impulse thing.

MEI: You know...  
MEI: I really don't hate it.

ROADHOG: is the rat with them?

WINSTON: Yes.

ROADHOG: nice  
ROADHOG: maybe now i can actually get some sleep

BRIGITTE: Literally all I've seen you do is sleep.

ROADHOG: i havent slept recently  
ROADHOG: the rat keeps barging into my room at ungodly hours of the night to show me prank videos

ANA: Haha im the one that got him hooked on those

ROADHOG: why are you the way you are?

ANA: Happens

PHARAH: So, who exactly went out on this little escapade?

WINSTON: The usual suspects.

PHARAH: That doesn't really help me narrow it down.

MCCREE: genji hana lucio lena and sombra

SYMMETRA: We tricked Junkrat into going with them.  
SYMMETRA: And as you already know, Zenyatta and Reyes decided to go with them.

REINHARDT: Bastion?

WINSTON: He's still here.

BASTION: :D

SYMMETRA: I couldn't bring myself to send him with them.  
SYMMETRA: He's so happy in the garden.

BASTION: :)

BRIGITTE: What about Orisa?  
BRIGITTE: And Emily?

SYMMETRA: Also still here.  
SYMMETRA: Orisa's still helping Torbjorn test new weapons in the Armory.  
SYMMETRA: Emily's around.  
SYMMETRA: Somewhere.

EMILY: Someone called?

MCCREE: just making sure you werent dead

EMILY: Glad to hear that you care.

76: Why didn't you send her along?

EMILY: Send me along to what?

WINSTON: Have you met Emily?  
WINSTON: What has she ever done that would justify doing that to her?

EMILY: Doing what?

MERCY: Winston tricked Lena and the other kids into going on a mission and leaving them there.

EMILY: ...She's not going to die, is she?

WINSTON: I don't think so.  
WINSTON: She can handle herself.

MCCREE: i literally watched her struggle to zip up a bag of chips for like an hour and a half

WINSTON: ...She can handle herself well enough.

EMILY: As long as she comes back safe and sound, I'll let it slide.  
EMILY: In the meantime...  
EMILY: @WIDOWMAKER  
EMILY: What would you say about a little alone time?  
EMILY: ;)

WIDOWMAKER: I'll be there in five minutes.

EMILY: I'll be waiting.  
EMILY: XOXOXO

WIDOWMAKER: <3

REINHARDT: Gay.

EMILY: Obviously.

WINSTON: See what I mean, Jack?

76: Okay fair.  
76: But Reyes doesn't deserve that either.

MCCREE: honestly we should have just said fuck you and had zarya force the two of you on the orca

76: I sincerely doubt that she would be able to take the two of us.

MEI: I sincerely doubt that you would even pose a threat.

ZARYA: I'd be happy to challenge you in test of strength.

76: I'm going to turn that down.

ZARYA: Wise.

REINHARDT: So, what are we going to do about getting them all back?

WINSTON: We'll figure something out.

ANA: Right cause that worked so well the last time

SYMMETRA: Well, I think not having distractions on the base for a few hours is a blessing.

BRIGITTE: Wanna go get some lunch?

SYMMETRA: Of course!

PHARAH: @ANGELA  
PHARAH: I've got some time to kill.

MERCY: I'll be right there!

MEI: @ZARYA  
MEI: Care to come join me in the lab?  
MEI: I have a few  _experiments_ I wanted to test out.

ZARYA: I shall be there soon.

WINSTON:  _STOP, THIS ISN'T PRIVATE MESSAGING!_

PHARAH: It's not supposed to be.

MCCREE: is this what were doing now?  
MCCREE: just using the time to fuck?

PHARAH: Pretty much.

BRIGITTE: You're just jealous that no one wants to fuck you.

MCCREE: incorrect  
MCCREE: my anxiety fucks me daily

MOIRA: Mood though.

DOOMFIST: The things that happen in this chat never cease to amaze me.

ANA: That just means that were doing something right

REINHARDT: Is no one else concerned for the safety of our members?

MERCY: They'll be fine.  
MERCY: Zenyatta's there.

ANA: Besides if they die we can just put up the recruitment server again  
ANA: Im sure someone else will fill the void just as well

PHARAH: Maybe we can hire someone with more brain cells this time.

ANA: Nah  
ANA: You cant have brain cells  
ANA: Thats not allowed

WINSTON: Like I said.  
WINSTON: We'll figure something out.

REINHARDT: We'd better.

_________________________

**[GENJI SHIMADA] opened chatroom [HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] added [HANA "D.VA" SONG], [SOMBRA], [LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [LENA "TRACER" OXTON], [REAPER], [JUNKRAT], AND [TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] to chatroom [HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?]**

D.VA: FINALLY  
D.VA: I HAVENT HAD SERVICE IN LIKE SIX HOURS  
D.VA: I DONT KNOW HOW I SURVIVED

LUCIO: wait how the fuck did we get service all the sudden?

GENJI: i had angela install a mini cell tower in my head  
GENJI: i am service

TRACER: are you enough service to call for help?

GENJI: uh  
GENJI: about that  
GENJI: i might have used most of it to watch abridged anime videos during missions...  
GENJI: besides my range isnt that far  
GENJI: prob only like a mile or two  
GENJI: and by the way where the fuck are we?

TRACER: no idea  
TRACER: i didnt see the coordinates before the orca flew away

D.VA: why did it fly away again?

SOMBRA: someone prob programmed it to return to base when it was emptied out

LUCIO: so youre saying that were trapped here?

SOMBRA: more or less  
SOMBRA: at least until someone comes to get us

GENJI: which could probably take hours

TRACER: or days!

D.VA: or months

LUCIO: yeah okay i get it

JUNKRAT: HEY WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU?

GENJI: weve literally been sitting in the same exact spot for the past two hours

JUNKRAT: I DONT WHERE THAT IS  
JUNKRAT: I WALKED AWAY TO USE THE LITTLE JUNKERS ROOM

SOMBRA: were sitting on top of a hill how is it possible that we cant see you?

JUNKRAT: I WALKED KINDA FAR

LUCIO: why?

JUNKRAT: I JUST TOLD YOU  
JUNKRAT: I WAS LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM

D.VA: were in the middle of the fucking mountains with no cell service where in the world do you think theres going to be a bathroom?

JUNKRAT: I WAS JUST LOOKING!  
JUNKRAT: EVENTUALLY I JUST DECIDED TO DUCK BEHIND A TREE

SOMBRA: which tree?

JUNKRAT: IDK ITS A BROWN ONE  
JUNKRAT: WITH GREEN LEAVES

LUCIO: *looks around*  
LUCIO: *sees that every fucking tree in the area matches that description*  
LUCIO: yup that definitely helped us narrow it down

JUNKRAT: SARCASM SOLVES NOTHING MATE  
JUNKRAT: PLEASE COME FIND ME I DONT LIKE BEING LOST

SOMBRA: were sitting on a hill at the base of the mountain  
SOMBRA: just walk that way

JUNKRAT: I HAVE ONE LEG I DONT KNOW HOW YOU EXPECT ME TO WALK ALL THE WAY OVER THERE

D.VA: you seemed to be just fine when you walked away

JUNKRAT: SHUT UP

SOMBRA: dont worry if you get tired well send one of the chaperones with you

REAPER: **THERE IS NO REASON THAT I SHOULD BE HERE!**

LUCIO: someone had to be in charge

REAPER: **I DON'T EVEN WORK FOR OVERWATCH ANYMORE!**

SOMBRA: dont lie  
SOMBRA: i know how eager you were to come along

REAPER: **YOU ALL SAW THE RUSSIAN FORCE ME INTO THE ORCA!**

LUCIO: and you didnt just do that stupid phasing thing because why?

REAPER: **SOMBRA HACKED ME!**

SOMBRA: hahaha oops

TRACER: how exactly does that work again?

SOMBRA: a magician never tells

GENJI: at least its not all bad  
GENJI: masters here with us

ZENYATTA: And I am delighted to spend time with you as well, Genji.

LUCIO: at least someones happy to be here

D.VA: i mean this place is kinda nice  
D.VA: minus the lack of phone service and electricity

JUNKRAT: DONT FORGET LACK OF BATHROOMS

D.VA: that too

TRACER: so since we all got here at the same time does that mean none of us have to do the dishes for the next month?

REAPER: **If we're all stuck here, you should be grateful if you live that long.**

LUCIO: you say that like you have no idea how to live off the land

GENJI: he doesnt  
GENJI: ive been camping with him

REAPER: **GENJI, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!**

GENJI: _I CAN NEVER SLEEP IN A TENT AGAIN_

REAPER: **I SAID I WAS SORRY!**

GENJI: _ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH REYES_

ZENYATTA: Come now, the mountains are such a tranquil place.  
ZENYATTA: We should be relaxing and embracing the serenity.

SOMBRA: at least until junkrat blows something up

JUNKRAT: COME ON SOMBRA I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY EXPLOSIVES ON ME

D.VA: you dont?

JUNKRAT: THEY WERE ALL ON THE PLANE AND THEN IT FLEW AWAY SO IM PRETTY MUCH USELESS

GENJI: ur pretty much useless anyway

JUNKRAT: RUDE

LUCIO: so what do we do now?

D.VA: depends  
D.VA: we can just die  
D.VA: we can at least try to find shelter  
D.VA: or we can get our survivalist on and live off the land

GENJI: since when are u the survival expert?

D.VA: i played a vr game kinda like this  
D.VA: i survived for seven years

TRACER: this isnt a video game hana!

D.VA: do you have a better idea?

REAPER: **I vote for dying.**

LUCIO: that didnt work too well for you the first time did it?

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

SOMBRA: well if were stuck here we might as well try to stay alive

JUNKRAT: I CAN MAKE A FIRE!

GENJI: shocker

ZENYATTA: There might be another alternative.

D.VA: which is?

ZENYATTA: I also come with a miniature cell tower installed.  
ZENYATTA: If Genji and I managed to combine our signals, we may be able to send out a message to one of our team mates.

GENJI: thats kinda dangerous  
GENJI: it could drain a lot out of us

ZENYATTA: We would only have enough power to send a single message.  
ZENYATTA: I don't think we'd be able to make the signal that strong again.

D.VA: regardless  
D.VA: would we still be able to use the phones?

ZENYATTA: Yes.

D.VA: lets do it

LUCIO: who do we send the message to then?

GENJI: try jesse

SOMBRA: um why?

GENJI: cause hes the only one that would actually listen to us

SOMBRA: ...fair

GENJI: and plus i need to chew him out for skipping this misery and making me go anyway

LUCIO: do that after he gets us

GENJI: i plan to

REAPER: **Who's going to send the message?**

D.VA: ill do it!

ZENYATTA: Very well.  
ZENYATTA: Genji, if you will.

GENJI: k

ZENYATTA: Give us a few seconds, Miss Song.

D.VA: of course

GENJI: remember  
GENJI: send him a clear message of what we need him to do  
GENJI: anything too vague and he wont understand  
GENJI: just get the point across

D.VA: yeah yeah i get it

ZENYATTA: Okay, do it now.

D.VA: lit

_____________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: 

JESSE: WHAT THE ACTUAL LITERAL FUCK?

_____________________________

LUCIO: IM FUCKING CRYING

GENJI: HANA  
GENJI: THATS NOT WHAT I TOLD U TO DO  
GENJI: THATS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TOLD U TO DO

D.VA: I REGRET NOTHING

REAPER: **YOU'LL REGRET EVERYTHING WHEN YOU DIE A HORRIBLE, MISERABLE DEATH!**

D.VA: ITS FINE  
D.VA: IVE ALREADY DONE WHAT I SET OUT TO DO

JUNKRAT: I JUST WANNA GO HOME

REAPER: **THIS IS HOME NOW!**  
REAPER: **GET USED TO IT!**

TRACER: AFTER THAT I THINK ITS WORTH IT

REAPER: **I'LL KILL YOU ALL MYSELF!**

SOMBRA: TRY ME HOE

REAPER: _**GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT STICK!**_

**[REAPER] has left chatroom [HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?]**

**[SOMBRA] has left chatroom [HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?]**

**[HANA "D.VA" SONG] has left chatroom [HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?]**

LUCIO: yeah i can see this going so well

TRACER: might as well get used to it because now were stuck with each other!

**User [TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] changed chatroom name to [DON'T GET UPSETTI EAT SOME SPAGHETTI]**

GENJI: DEAD

TRACER: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LUCIO: at least we have zenny here  
LUCIO: everythings going to be okay

ZENYATTA: I appreciate the support, Lucio.

GENJI: man were never gonna get out of here are we?

TRACER: we will  
TRACER: someday

LUCIO: if sombra and reaper dont kill each other first

GENJI: wishful thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so remember how the Roadtrip was split into a bunch of parts?
> 
> This is the same thing. It's going to take up a few chapters. Hope everyone's in the mood for some prime fuckery.
> 
> EDIT: HOLY SHIT 1000 KUDOS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY!


	60. lost and confused part 2

GENJI: how long has it been?

ZENYATTA: Four days, twenty one minutes, and eleven seconds.

D.VA: yeah i dont think theyre coming for us

LUCIO: what was your first clue?

REAPER: **Unbelievable.**  
REAPER: **I'm going to die surrounded by idiots.**

SOMBRA: would you chill gabe?

REAPER: **What in the world can I be chill about?**  
REAPER: **ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WON'T STOP CALLING ME THAT!**

SOMBRA: well be fine

D.VA: yeah lucio and i just put the finishing touches on our treehouse

GENJI: NO WAY CAN I SEE IT?

D.VA: duh  
D.VA: party at the treehouse tonight  
D.VA: bring your own drinks

TRACER: oh boy what should i bring?  
TRACER: river water or lake water?

LUCIO: either is fine  
LUCIO: well be supplying the food

REAPER: **I'm not eating squirrels again.**

D.VA: well then i guess someones going hungry

JUNKRAT: ILL COOK

LUCIO: no

JUNKRAT: WHY?

GENJI: cooking doesnt mean burning until its black

JUNKRAT: THATS HOW I EAT THINGS!

D.VA: and thats also why youre wrong

JUNKRAT: IM STILL INVITED RIGHT?

SOMBRA: please no

D.VA: sure  
D.VA: but if you burn down the treehouse i will cut you

JUNKRAT: MESSAGE RECEIVED  
JUNKRAT: IM GONNA GO GET READY

SOMBRA: so how are everyone elses shelters coming?

TRACER: lackluster  
TRACER: i cant find leaves that match my carpet

ZENYATTA: Genji and I are doing very well.  
ZENYATTA: Our log cabin is looking wonderful.

GENJI: lifting thirty tons of wood is not as easy as it sounds

REAPER: **It's not easy at all.**

GENJI: exactly the point

JUNKRAT: I DUG A HOLE

D.VA: we can see that  
D.VA: is that comfortable?

JUNKRAT: VERY  
JUNKRAT: IVE MADE A BUNCH OF TUNNELS UNDERNEATH SO IM BASICALLY A MOLE MAN NOW

TRACER: that sounds cool

JUNKRAT: IT IS

SOMBRA: better hope it doesnt cave in on you

JUNKRAT: DONT WORRY I REINFORCED THE WALLS WITH METAL BEAMS

GENJI: where the fuck did u get metal beams?

JUNKRAT: ...INTERNET

LUCIO: bullshit

JUNKRAT: IM NOT TELLING

D.VA: okay whatever  
D.VA: i dont need to know anyway  
D.VA: but seriously the partys tonight so bring something cool or youre not coming in

REAPER: **HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A THREE STORY TREE HOUSE?**  
REAPER: **I'M STILL STRUGGLING TO PUT MY LEAN-TO TOGETHER!**

D.VA: because i have basic survival instinct

REAPER: **I SERVED IN THE ARMY!**

LUCIO: sure doesnt look like it

SOMBRA: is lucio the dj?

LUCIO: was that a serious question?

SOMBRA: just making sure  
SOMBRA: im not letting lena dj ever again

TRACER: COME ON I PLAYED IT ONE TIME!

SOMBRA: ONE TIME TOO MANY

GENJI: wait how the fuck are u going to dj?  
GENJI: did u find a mixing station out in the middle of bufu fucking egypt out there?

LUCIO: nah zens got a bunch of cool upgrades so hes gonna lend part of himself to be the mixing station tonight

ZENYATTA: I'm happy to help.

GENJI: i need to have a serious talk with angela about my upgrades because from what i can tell they suck

SOMBRA: you just suck in general

GENJI: fuck u

JUNKRAT: HEY SO CAN I BRING FLOWERS?

D.VA: why?

JUNKRAT: CAUSE THATS ALL I CAN FIND  
JUNKRAT: UNLESS YOU WANT SOME BIRD BONES

D.VA: ...

LUCIO: ...

GENJI: ...

TRACER: ...wot?

JUNKRAT: ACTUALLY FORGET IT  
JUNKRAT: IM BRINGING THE FLOWERS

D.VA: whatever

LUCIO: this is gonna be fun

GENJI: sure  
GENJI: until it just becomes a total fucking disaster

SOMBRA: cant wait

_____________________

MERCY: Can we stop pretending that we don't have a huge problem here?

MCCREE: the only problem is that youre texting me in the middle of my nap

REINHARDT: It's 10 AM.  
REINHARDT: You literally just woke up.

MCCREE: and now im going back to sleep  
MCCREE: napping is important

HANZO: Is this what happens when no one is around to fuck things up with you?

MCCREE: basically  
MCCREE: i become a model citizen when im alone and im very upset about it

76: Don't be.  
76: You need to be this way more often.

MCCREE: i disagree

MERCY: Seriously, don't ignore me.  
MERCY: Why do none of you want to help locate our missing members?

BRIGITTE: Are you kidding?  
BRIGITTE: This is the calmest the base has been since before we got here.

WINSTON: She's honestly right.

ANA: Dont act like u care all of the sudden

MERCY: I do!  
MERCY: This isn't a good thing!

SYMMETRA: I respectfully disagree.  
SYMMETRA: This is actually very relaxing.

MERCY: IT SHOULDN'T BE RELAXING!  
MERCY: SEVEN OF OUR MEMBERS ARE MISSING IN ACTION AND NONE OF YOU SEEM TO CARE!

ANA: is that a problem?

MERCY: ????  
MERCY: YES!

MCCREE: nah i disagree

REINHARDT: Seconded.

76: Thirded.

SYMMETRA: Fourthed.

BRIGITTE: Fifthed.

WINSTON: Sixthed.

HANZO: Seventhed.

EMILY: Eighted.

ROADHOG: ninethed

DOOMFIST: Tenthed.

PHARAH: Eleventhed.

ANA: Twelvedth

WINSTON: Thirteenthed.

MOIRA: Fourteenthed.

WIDOWMAKER: Fifteenthed.

MEI: Sixteenthed.

ZARYA: Seventeenthed.

TORBJORN: Eighteenthed.

BASTION: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

MERCY: ...You all concern me greatly.

ANA: Come on theyre fine  
ANA: Probably

MCCREE: i think you care too much

MERCY: Sorry that I actually worry for the well-being of our teammates.

ROADHOG: you didnt seem so worried when you went to fuck amari literally ten seconds after we learned they were missing

MERCY: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT!

PHARAH: It was important to me.

MERCY: <3

PHARAH: <3

BRIGITTE: Gay.

HANZO: Very.

MERCY: Hanzo, your own brother is missing!  
MERCY: Shouldn't you care a little bit?

HANZO: Not really.  
HANZO: There's a reason why I killed him.

EMILY: Because he dishonored the Shimada name?

HANZO: Something like that.

MCCREE: lmao

REINHARDT: Honestly Angela.  
REINHARDT: Calm down.  
REINHARDT: I doubt they're in any real danger.

MERCY: Do you know that for sure?

REINHARDT: They have a crazy cyborg ninja, a girl who can jump through time, a maniac who could blow up half the world if he tried, the world's best hacker, two healers, and a girl who plays video games.

BRIGITTE: And then Reyes.

MCCREE: yeah fuck reyes

REINHARDT: I think they can take care of themselves for a little while.

MERCY: Why am I the only one who sees a problem with this?

ANA: Hindsights 2020

MERCY: What does that have to do with anything?

ANA: Idk  
ANA: Felt like it fit

SYMMETRA: Even if we were all concerned.

HANZO: Which we're not.

SYMMETRA: It's not like we have any inkling of knowledge of their whereabouts.

ROADHOG: yeah we havent heard from them since they landed

MCCREE: false  
MCCREE: i got a message from hana the other day but it pissed me off so much that i cursed her out

MERCY: Why didn't you say anything?  
MERCY: We could trace the signal!

HANZO: I didn't realize that you were tech savvy all of the sudden.

MERCY: I was mostly talking about Winston or Satya.  
MERCY: Or possibly Mei.

MEI: No.

SYMMETRA: It's not happening.

WINSTON: Sorry, I'm busy.

MERCY: Unbelievable.

MCCREE: just relax  
MCCREE: everythings gonna work out in the end

DOOMFIST: Has anything ever worked out in the end for you?

MCCREE: depends  
MCCREE: theyre all moral victories

DOOMFIST: So no?

MCCREE: yeah basically

76: Can we at least go get Reyes?  
76: We can leave all the rest of them there.

HANZO: How about we get the rest of them and leave you there with Reyes?

76: No, that's a worse idea.

ANA: Idk i kinda like that one

REINHARDT: Or we could just drop Jack off, bring Zenyatta back, and let the rest of them live out the rest of their days in the wilderness.

MERCY: Absolutely none of these are good ideas.

ROADHOG: hey less time i have to deal with the rat the better

PHARAH: We should've done this a long time ago.

MERCY: We never should have done it in the first place.

MCCREE: whatever you say mom

MERCY: I'll cut you.

MCCREE: please no i have sensitive skin

WINSTON: We can talk about this later.

MERCY: How much is later?

WINSTON: I'll get back to you on that.

MERCY: Unbelievable.

ANA: Cant wait to see how this goes

REINHARDT: I predict that it goes just as well as we expect it to.

ANA: Nice

______________________

GENJI: how the fuck did u even?

LUCIO: teamwork

D.VA: lucio and i are just an awesome pair

REAPER: **This makes absolutely no sense.**  
REAPER: **How did you manage this?**

LUCIO: i said teamwork are you fucking deaf?

REAPER: **I'll kill you.**

LUCIO: not if the mountain lions do it first

JUNKRAT: THERES MOUNTAIN LIONS HERE?????

SOMBRA: were literally living at the base of a mountain  
SOMBRA: if its not mountain lions then its grizzly bears

LUCIO: or wolves

TRACER: or elk

D.VA: or depression

GENJI: yeah i agree with that one

LUCIO: depression isnt allowed in the funk dome  
LUCIO: either leave it outside or go away

GENJI: i cant be depressed when im partying hard

REAPER: **Where the fuck did you get the power for these strobe lights?**

LUCIO: ask our buddy zenyatta  
LUCIO: hes supplying us with everything

ZENYATTA: Always happy to help out a good friend such as yourself, Lucio.

REAPER: **...Is that a fucking hot tub?**

LUCIO: oh yeah you found that  
LUCIO: feel free to ease your sorrows

SOMBRA: or you can drown  
SOMBRA: either one works

REAPER: **Fuck you.**

JUNKRAT: THIS IS AWESOME  
JUNKRAT: IVE NEVER BEEN TO A PARTY LIKE THIS BEFORE

D.VA: just dont break anything

JUNKRAT: NO PROMISES

TRACER: at least try

JUNKRAT: OKAY FINE

REAPER:  **WHERE THE FUCK DOES THIS ELEVATOR GO?**

LUCIO: penthouse suites  
LUCIO: sorry youre not allowed

REAPER:  **...What the fuck is this place?**

D.VA: our new home so youd better stop shit talking it or youre never allowed back in it

REAPER:  **...  
** REAPER:  **I want to apologize.**

D.VA: accepted  
D.VA: for now

GENJI: lena come play me in pool

TRACER: i didnt want to embarrass you but if you insist

GENJI: bring it

JUNKRAT: HEY MATES SORRY BUT MY PHONE IS ABOUT TO DIE  
JUNKRAT: IS THERE A PLACE I CAN PLUG IT IN?

D.VA: theres like nine outlets in here  
D.VA: just pick one

JUNKRAT: HMMM  
JUNKRAT: OH THERES ONE

LUCIO: _NO JUNKRAT WAIT_

_____________________

JUNKRAT: MERCY  
JUNKRAT: UNCLE  
JUNKRAT: I SURRENDER  
JUNKRAT: I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE JUST STOP WHACKING ME

GENJI: _WHY HAVE U DONE THIS???_

JUNKRAT: I THOUGHT IT WAS AN OUTLET

GENJI: MY ASS IS NOT AN OUTLET

JUNKRAT: GIVE ME A BREAK MATE ITS NOT EASY TO SEE WITH THE STROBE LIGHTS ON

GENJI: _SEXUAL HARRASSMENT_

LUCIO: im fucking crying laughing

SOMBRA: i cant say ive ever seen this before

D.VA: just  
D.VA: what the fuck?

JUNKRAT: LOOK

REAPER: **Even when I expect the worst, I'm still disappointed.**

TRACER: this was bound to happen sooner or later

GENJI: SAY UR SORRY

JUNKRAT: I DID  
JUNKRAT: YOU JUST COULDNT TELL BECAUSE YOU WERE HITTING ME WITH THAT STICK

GENJI: _**UR LUCKY IT WASNT MY SWORD**_

JUNKRAT: LOOK MY PHONES ABOUT TO DIE CAN SOMEONE JUST PLUG IT IN FOR ME?

GENJI: STAY AWAY FROM MY ASS

LUCIO: god i got stranded with the absolute best people  
LUCIO: its not a party without all of you

SOMBRA: jesses not here tho

D.VA: fuck jesse

TRACER: speaking of  
TRACER: you think he convinced everyone to come looking for us?

GENJI: knowing jesse  
GENJI: absolutely not

TRACER: cool

D.VA: come on were okay so far

REAPER: **Barely.**

LUCIO: just because you dont know how to make a simply fucking shelter doesnt mean the rest of us are struggling

REAPER: **Eat me.**

SOMBRA: honestly were prob gonna be stranded here for a while

TRACER: we should all grow out beards!  
TRACER: we can be mountain people

GENJI: oh yeah great idea  
GENJI: ill just grow a beard with the hair folicles that i dont fucking have

D.VA: i cant even grow a beard

TRACER: i didnt say it had to be on your face

LUCIO: NO STOP

GENJI: EW

JUNKRAT: IM TWO SECONDS FROM SHOVING STICKS INTO MY EARS

REAPER: **We are never going to survive.**

SOMBRA: speak for yourself

REAPER: **I am.**  
REAPER: **Death is the best possible thing I could experience right now.**

GENJI: crybaby


	61. lost and confused part 3

LUCIO: i want some nachos

TRACER: ...what?

D.VA: why nachos?

LUCIO: am i not allowed to want nachos?

GENJI: oh yeah let me just run to the nacho shack  
GENJI: oh wait there is none because were in the middle of the fucking woods

REAPER: **So you're trying to convince to me that you can build a multi-story treehouse with electricity, plumbing, a working elevator, a hot tub, and a movie room in three days but you can't find some nachos?**

D.VA: do we look like fucking miracle workers to you?

REAPER: **You literally can only do those things if you're miracle workers.**

SOMBRA: no nachos  
SOMBRA: sorry lucio

LUCIO: :(

TRACER: dont worry theres still some leftover lasagna in the fridge

LUCIO: i had lasagna last night

GENJI: so did the rest of us

D.VA: well until i go shopping again lasagnas all we have

REAPER: **Am I missing something?**

TRACER: a lot probably

REAPER: **Where are you going shopping?**

D.VA: uh the store?  
D.VA: what kind of question is that?

REAPER: **WHAT STORE?**

SOMBRA: if youd stop wallowing in pity in the hot tub every second youd know about it

REAPER: **I WAS NOT WALLOWING IN PITY!**

SOMBRA: i literally have a forty minute video of you doing exactly that  
SOMBRA: while clutching that picture of jack you have

REAPER: **!!!**

LUCIO: god you two are so gay

GENJI: yeah really

JUNKRAT: HEY CAN I HAVE MY CHARGER BACK?

GENJI: IF U STICK IT IN MY ASS ONE MORE TIME

JUNKRAT: EASY MATE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

GENJI: _DOING IT THREE TIMES IS NOT AN ACCIDENT!_

JUNKRAT: I DIDNT DO NOTHING WRONG

D.VA: ill buy you another one when i go to the store

REAPER: **WHAT FUCKING STORE?**

SOMBRA: the one where we buy all our products to survive

GENJI: someone needs to remember to get more toilet paper

REAPER: **WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?**

TRACER: seems like youre not paying attention  
TRACER: again

REAPER: **WE'VE BEEN STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOUTAINS FOR WEEKS AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN YOU'RE GOING SHOPPING LIKE IT'S THE MOST NORMAL THING IN THE WORLD?**

D.VA: pretty much

REAPER: **.......................................................**

LUCIO: i think we broke him

SOMBRA: he was broken long before this

JUNKRAT: SPEAKING OF BROKEN

D.VA: i swear to fucking god

JUNKRAT: I THINK WE NEED A NEW SINK

SOMBRA: we just bought that one

JUNKRAT: ITS NOT EASY TO USE A CERAMIC SINK WITH A METAL ARM OKAY?

GENJI: false  
GENJI: im entirely made of metal and i havent had a problem yet

JUNKRAT: THATS JUST BECAUSE YOU DONT WASH YOUR HANDS

SOMBRA: IM SORRY WHAT?

GENJI: JUNKRAT U SAID U WOULDNT TELL

LUCIO: YOU STUCK YOUR HAND IN THE PEANUT BUTTER JAR LAST NIGHT  
LUCIO: AND THEN WE ALL ATE IT  
LUCIO: HOW DARE YOU

GENJI: LOOK

ZENYATTA: Genji, we've discussed this.

GENJI: im sorry

D.VA: are you tho?  
D.VA: are you really?

GENJI: only moderately

ZENYATTA: ...Genji.

GENJI: OKAY FINE  
GENJI: IM VERY VERY SORRY  
GENJI: I WILL MAKE IT UP TO ALL OF U

LUCIO: TOO LATE  
LUCIO: THE DAMAGE IS DONE

TRACER: why are we typing in all caps?

REAPER: **Why are we texting?**  
REAPER: **We're all sitting in the same room.**

ZENYATTA: I find texting to be calmer than speaking.

SOMBRA: im too lazy to say words

REAPER: **Texting takes up more effort and energy.**

SOMBRA: shut up and let me be different

GENJI: no ones stopping u

SOMBRA: shut your whore mouth

REAPER: **What the fuck is that beeping noise?**

D.VA: THE WASHING MACHINE  
D.VA: OMG I FORGOT I HAD A LOAD OF CLOTHES IN THERE

LUCIO: HANA IF MY SHORTS SHRINK

D.VA: IM GOING TO GET IT CHILL OUT FROGBOI

LUCIO: HOW CAN I BE CHILL KNOWING THAT MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SHORTS ARE IN DANGER?

REAPER: **...Where the fuck did we get a washing machine?**

SOMBRA: from the store gabe fucks sake have you been paying any attention?

REAPER: **WHY IS THERE A STORE IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTT FUCK NOWHERE?**

LUCIO: THE ANSWERS YOU SEEK ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

REAPER: **WHY DID I HAVE TO GET STUCK HERE WITH ALL OF YOU?**

SOMBRA: because youre a bad person who made terrible decisions in a past life

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

D.VA: LUCIO  
D.VA: IM SO SORRY

LUCIO: HANA  
LUCIO: DONT YOU DARE

D.VA: I TRIED  
D.VA: I REALLY DID

LUCIO: THEY WERE SO YOUNG

TRACER: are we about to have a war over clothes?

GENJI: wouldnt be the weirdest fight weve ever had

JUNKRAT: YEAH REMEMBER WHEN JACK AND WINSTON STARTED ARGUING ABOUT AIR?

GENJI: _DONT_

TRACER: _THIS NEVER HAPPENED_

LUCIO: THOSE  
LUCIO: WERE MY FAVORITE SHORTS

D.VA: I SAID I WAS SORRY

LUCIO: WERE GONNA HAVE AN ISSUE

SOMBRA: like usual?

LUCIO: NOPE  
LUCIO: THIS ONE IS GONNA END UP HARDER AND ROUGHER THAN USUAL

GENJI: thats what she said

TRACER: lmao!

LUCIO: _NOT THE TIME_

REAPER: **Why are you all this way?**

SOMBRA: happens

_____________________________

MCCREE: three weeks without an incident on base  
MCCREE: and ive never been more bored

HANZO: This is a good thing.

MCCREE: if thats what you believe

MERCY: Are we any closer to tracking them down?

ANA: Well i tried to use the computer and i got really frustrated and starting whacking it with a pipe

WINSTON: Say what now?

SYMMETRA: There are ways to solve things without using violence.

ANA:

REINHARDT: I APPROVE OF THIS USAGE OF THIS MEME!

BRIGITTE: I DON'T!

ANA: DEAL WITH IT

MEI: Wouldn't it just be better if we presumed them dead?

MERCY: No, not really.

MEI: It's been over three weeks, Angela.  
MEI: Without the slightest hint of contact.  
MEI: And I don't think their survival expertise is enough to save them.

76: Reyes and I served together.  
76: We were both trained in outdoor survival.

MCCREE: couldve fooled me with how you behaved during our camping trip

76: Listen here, you little shit.

HANZO: Both of you, quiet.

WINSTON: I've been working on a way to trace the message that Hana sent to Jesse.

MERCY: Finally, somebody is taking initiative.

DOOMFIST: Can we not?  
DOOMFIST: I've just gotten used to the chat being semi-normal.

76: You're not even supposed to be here.

DOOMFIST: And I feel the same way.  
DOOMFIST: But now I'm so far in that I can't get myself out.

ANA: If we could just find a way to get rid of jesse all of our problems would be solved

MCCREE: hey

PHARAH: It is a little too bland here.

76: That's a good thing.

PHARAH: I don't know.  
PHARAH: As annoying as they all may be, they definitely entertain me.

MOIRA: Seconded.

REINHARDT: Thirded.

MERCY: No one cares about your opinion.

REINHARDT: I beg to differ.

MERCY: I was talking to Moira.

MOIRA: Why though?

REINHARDT: I see.  
REINHARDT: Carry on.

HANZO: I still think it's better that they're all gone.

WIDOWMAKER: I agree with Hanzo.  
WIDOWMAKER: Except I want Lena back.

MCCREE: why is emily boring you already?

WIDOWMAKER: Far from it, actually.  
WIDOWMAKER: I just find that most activities are more enjoyable in a group of three.

WINSTON: Stop.

EMILY: ;)

MERCY: No one's interested in your sex life.

WIDOWMAKER: We're all less interested in yours.

PHARAH: I thought we all agreed to keep our sex lives private.

WIDOWMAKER: We agreed on personal privacy.  
WIDOWMAKER: That doesn't mean that I can't disclose details of my own sex life.

ANA: Can we like not?

WIDOWMAKER: Your daughter asked.

PHARAH: I don't think that's right.

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: Back to the topic.  
MERCY: Winston, how's the tracing going?

WINSTON: Slowly.  
WINSTON: With such a poor signal, it'll take some time for them to be found.

BRIGITTE: If they're even still alive.

MCCREE: no dont say that

ROADHOG: honestly whatever  
ROADHOG: alive or dead  
ROADHOG: it matters very little to me

MEI: Wow, harsh.

ROADHOG: youve dealt with the rat just about as much as I have

MEI: ...Alright, fair.

WINSTON: Just give me a minute.  
WINSTON: I have an idea.

ANA: Someone stop him

HANZO: I can summon the Dragons.

BRIGITTE: _IF I SEE THOSE DRAGONS AGAIN..._

HANZO: I gave you fair warning.

BRIGITTE: _THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY!_

HANZO: You know how playful they are.

BRIGITTE: _IT TOOK ME SIX HOURS TO GET MY FLAIL BACK FROM THEM!_

HANZO: They just wanted to play fetch.

BRIGITTE: _SEEMS MORE LIKE KEEP-AWAY TO ME!_

SYMMETRA: Hanzo, I asked you to keep them away from us.

HANZO: There are nowhere near the two of you.  
HANZO: Although I won't hesitate to send after you if I hear your late night escapades again.

SYMMETRA: _DON'T!_

HANZO: I was trying to sleep, Satya.

ANA: This conversation needs to stop

PHARAH: Jesse, where the fuck did you get those cookies?

MCCREE: i borrowed them from reinhardt

REINHARDT: 

MCCREE: hey you said i could have one

REINHARDT: ONE!  
REINHARDT: NOT THE WHOLE TRAY!

MCCREE: yeah but they were so good i couldnt just have one

REINHARDT: I don't believe this.

WINSTON: Angela, I think I found them.

ANA: No

BRIGITTE: Quick, someone destroy the computer.

MEI: I'm never going to make there in time.

ROADHOG: me either

MERCY: Where are they?

WINSTON: I've sent the coordinates to the Orca's piloting system.  
WINSTON: We can go get them as soon as we're ready.

REINHARDT: We will never be ready for this again.

PHARAH: Can we just pretend that this isn't happening?

MOIRA: Do you even know if they're still alive?

MERCY: It doesn't matter.  
MERCY: I can kind of revive them.

DOOMFIST: Not if they're in advanced stages of decay.

MERCY: Which one of us has the medical license here?

DOOMFIST: Well, it's either you or Moira.

MERCY: Which one of us has a _legal_ medical license.

MOIRA: Hey!

DOOMFIST: ...Fine.

MERCY: Winston, I'm ready whenever you are.

WINSTON: I'll meet you there.

76: I'll be there too.

MCCREE: cant wait to suck reyes tongue out huh?

76: Shut the fuck up.

MCCREE: i need to see this

ANA: Take pics

MCCREE: gladly  
MCCREE: more blackmail for the collection

76: I'll break your phone.

MCCREE: go ahead  
MCCREE: every picture ive ever taken of you has been backed up to twenty hard drives and to the cloud so its not like ill lose anything

76: Why are you this way?

MCCREE: i was born like this

ANA: I believe it

MCCREE: shut up

WINSTON: Are you two coming or not?

MCCREE: hold your horses winston im coming

MEI: Don't you get airsick?

MCCREE: if im lucky ill get sick on jack

76: Why are you coming?

MCCREE: cause i can?

MERCY: I'm not picking up your puke.

MCCREE: well make reyes do it

76: I'd like to see you try.

MCCREE: trust me  
MCCREE: you really dont

_________________________

GENJI: _ARE U DONE?_

LUCIO: IM SO SAD

D.VA: ITS ONE PAIR OF SHORTS

LUCIO: ITS MY FAVORITE PAIR OF SHORTS

SOMBRA: theyre like three sizes too small on you tho

LUCIO: THAT DOESNT MEAN THEYRE NOT SPECIAL

ZENYATTA: Is anyone injured?

TRACER: only reyes

LUCIO: he got caught in the crossfire

REAPER: **WILL SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME?**

D.VA: we tried  
D.VA: apparently it didnt work

JUNKRAT: IM LAUGHING SO HARD  
JUNKRAT: HES JUST LAYING ON THE GROUND CRYING

LUCIO: HEY  
LUCIO: DONT STAIN MY CARPET

REAPER: **FUCK YOUR CARPET!**

GENJI: hey do u guys hear that?

TRACER: it sounds like the orca!

SOMBRA: lets not get our hopes up here

JUNKRAT: UH GUYS

GENJI: what?

JUNKRAT: I THINK WE NEED TO LEAVE

D.VA: explain yourself

JUNKRAT: LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: HOLY SHIT HIT THE DECK

__________________________

GENJI: DO ANY OF U KNOW HOW TO FLY A FUCKING PLANE?

76: Does it look like it?

LUCIO: _MY TREEHOUSE_

MERCY: Greetings loves, the cavalry's here!

TRACER: hey i say that!

REAPER: **I'M FINALLY FUCKING SAVED!**

76: I missed you too.

JUNKRAT: WAIT HOW DID YOU FIND US?

WINSTON: We traced Hana's message to Jesse.

D.VA: i sent that like a month ago

WINSTON: It...took some time.

SOMBRA: no shit

GENJI: um why is jesse here?

MERCY: He wanted to come.

GENJI: but he gets airsick

MERCY: Oh, did he ever get airsick.

MCCREE: THIS WAS A MISTAKE

WINSTON: I advised you against coming.

MCCREE: I SHOULDVE LISTENED

TRACER: ew are those lucky charms?

MCCREE: I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT

SOMBRA: im not sitting there

WINSTON: We'll figure something out.  
WINSTON: Everyone just get on.

LUCIO: _BUT_  
LUCIO: _MY TREEHOUSE_

JUNKRAT: ITS OKAY MATE THERELL BE OTHER TREEHOUSES

LUCIO: _BUT_  
LUCIO: _THAT ONE HAD A PENTHOUSE_  
LUCIO: _AND AN AWESOME HOT TUB_  
LUCIO: _AND THE RECORDING STUDIO_

76: ...What?

D.VA: we had an awesome treehouse okay?

TRACER: im not sitting near this puke

MCCREE: REYES IS GONNA CLEAN IT

REAPER: **I most certainly the fuck am not.**

MCCREE: YOU WILL  
MCCREE: OR I WILL RUIN YOU

REAPER: **No you won't.**

MCCREE: ...

76: _NO GABE!_

______________________

MCCREE: **acollageofjackandgabebeinggay.png**  
MCCREE: **secretholidaygayness.png**  
MCCREE: **gabesdressedlikeelsawtf.png**

REAPER: _**JESSE!**_

ANA: FDJKHBGNJASDJSJGFNDNVJUDHNRUJGHJDFJFGJVJDFNGFJNBNJVF  
ANA: IM LAUGHING SO HARD IM CRYING

MEI: And...there it is.

76: _HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET THESE PICTURES?_

MCCREE: BLACKMAIL  
MCCREE: I WARNED YOU

BRIGITTE: I can't say that I missed this.

REINHARDT: Gabe, where did you get that Elsa costume?

REAPER: **IT DOESN'T EXIST!**

EMILY: We can see the picture.

REAPER: **SHUT IT!**

HANZO: I don't even know what to say.

MCCREE: PICK UP THE PUKE GABE

REAPER: **I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!**

MCCREE: COME NEAR ME AND I WILL SEND THE PICTURES OF YOU AND JACK VACATIONING IN HAWAII

REAPER: _**YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING DARE!**_

MCCREE: TRY ME FUCKER

76: _HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET THERE?_

MCCREE: _DONT ASK QUESTIONS YOU ARE NOT READY TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO_

D.VA: god i missed this so much

DOOMFIST: We didn't.


	62. okay for real why is a hamster a playable character?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (Almost) One Year Everybody! I can't believe this story has been around this long and has gotten so much positive reception! Thank you all so much for sticking with it this whole time! You all make me so happy!

GENJI: what the fuck is that?

D.VA: he has a name!

GENJI: ...what?

MCCREE: what the hells going on?

LUCIO: what makes you think somethings going on?

MCCREE: call it a hunch

76: I can hear all the thumping.

D.VA: no you cant

76: You're right above me.  
76: I absolutely can.

LUCIO: nah youre imagining it

TRACER: the thumpings just reyes wanking off to your presence

GENJI: DEAD

MCCREE: ew

MERCY: Please don't bring this up again.  
MERCY: I'm trying to forget the last time.

REAPER: **I WASN'T DOING THAT!**

MCCREE: FUCKING BULLSHIT

REAPER: **I WAS SCRATCHING MY THIGH!**

MCCREE: FOR TEN MINUTES?

REAPER: **...It was itchy!**

TRACER: you only last ten minutes?

76: It's more like five.

REAPER: **JACK!**

D.VA: _can we not do this right now?_

LUCIO: yeah really  
LUCIO: i dont need the mental image of a fifty year old man jerking it to his fifty year old partner

WINSTON: _Someone, please change the subject._

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [IF I SEE ONE MORE FUCKING BOWSETTE POST I'M GOING TO CASTRATE ALL OF YOU WITH A TOOTHBRUSH]**

TORBJORN: What's with all the noise?

D.VA: apparently its reyes fapping

TORBJORN: Not again.

REAPER: **IT'S NOT FUCKING ME!**

TORBJORN: After the last time, I find it hard to believe you.

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

MCCREE: i havent seen torb in this chat in like six months

TORBJORN: I've been trying my damndest to avoid it.  
TORBJORN: But it's pretty obvious that this is the only way to get through to you.  
TORBJORN: Without violence, of course.

D.VA: idk it usually escalates to that regardless

TORBJORN: I'll ask one more time before I start throwing hands.  
TORJBORN: What's with all the noise?

LUCIO: did he just say he would throw hands?

ANA: Hes serious

REINHARDT: He'll throw more than just hands.  
REINHARDT: His hammer.  
REINHARDT: Parts of his turrets.  
REINHARDT: A couple grenades.  
REINHARDT: Just answer the question.

TRACER: its the new member!

MERCY: What new member?

D.VA: lucio and i found him outside so were officially inducting him onto the team

76: You don't have the authority.

D.VA: yeah we do winston approved it

76: He what now?

WINSTON: I can explain.

MCCREE: you dont have to explain yourself to jack

GENJI: yeah really who does he think he is?

LUCIO: reapers wet dream subject

REAPER: **I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD!**

ANA: Wait we have a new member and no one told me?

D.VA: yup

ANA: Im second in command i deserve to know these things

76: Your rank doesn't exist anymore.

ANA: No one told me this

TORBJORN: _THE TWO OF YOU, QUIET!_  
TORBJORN: WHAT'S THIS ABOUT A NEW MEMBER?

LUCIO: here ill add him to the chat

TORBJORN: That's not what I meant.

**[LUCIO] added [HAMMOND] to chatroom [IF I SEE ONE MORE FUCKING BOWSETTE POST I'M GOING TO CASTRATE ALL OF YOU WITH A TOOTHBRUSH]**

MERCY: Who is this?

D.VA: its hammond cant you fucking read?

MERCY: I'll kill you.

76: I thought we all agreed that we weren't accepting new members.

MCCREE: cant say i remember agreeing to that

ANA: Yeah wait when did this happen?

WINSTON: Jack, there's more backstory here than I think you understand.

LUCIO: jack doesnt understand anything

GENJI: he understands how to suck the fun out of everything

76: Fuck you.

GENJI: sorry jack i dont swing that way  
GENJI: besides what would reyes think?

TRACER: hed think that he has one more object to wank to

REAPER: **CAN WE STOP THIS?**

D.VA: haha no

TORBJORN: _All of you, shut up._  
TORBJORN: Hammond, explain yourself.

HAMMOND: Hello.

MERCY: Okay, who is this?

HAMMOND: I am Hammond.

REINHARDT: No shit, Sherlock.

ANA: Reinhardt be nice to the new guy  
ANA: Its gonna take him some time to get used to this

HAMMOND: I'm very happy to meet all of you.

GENJI: why is he talking like a robot?

HAMMOND: I am a hamster.

D.VA: hes one of winstons friends from that base in the ocean or something

WINSTON: The Moon, but okay.

D.VA: yeah so hes kinda just here chilling

GENJI: so he can talk?

HAMMOND: Not exactly.  
HAMMOND: I can read but I can't talk.  
HAMMOND: I'm using a software to communicate with you all.

MCCREE: cool

MERCY: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude.

D.VA: but youll do it anyway

MERCY: Silence.  
MERCY: But, how exactly did you get here?

HAMMOND: I responded to Hana's Craigslist ad.

TRACER: lol what?

76: _I SAID YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO POST ANY OF THOSE AGAIN!_

ANA: Yeah we saw what happened to that one kid

D.VA: THAT WAS ONE TIME

76: _ONE TIME TOO MANY!_

HAMMOND: I responded to it in an attempt to meet up with my old friend, Winston.

REAPER: **How the hell do you know Winston?**

LUCIO: jesus fucking christ we just spent twenty minutes explaining this where were you?

TRACER: wanking

REAPER: _ **STOP!**_

PHARAH: Wait, how did you get off the moon?

HAMMOND: I attached a cable to the back of Winston's escape pod.  
HAMMOND: Unfortunately, it snapped before we landed.  
HAMMOND: I ended up landing somewhere near Junkertown.

MERCY: And you're still alive?

D.VA: thats the best part

HAMMOND: I quickly learned that the Junkers were not to be messed with.  
HAMMOND: So, in order to gain their respect, I built a mech with the remnants of my escape pod and used it to fight in their death matches.

JUNKRAT: YA SHOULDVE SEEN HIM HES SCARY GOOD

ROADHOG: agreed  
ROADHOG: we watched him from time to time

JUNKRAT: UNTIL WE GOT THROWN OUT

ROADHOG: yeah thanks for that

JUNKRAT: NO PROBLEM MATE

PHARAH: So, you decided to make a mech to fight with instead of just building yourself a way out?

HAMMOND: It's not that simple.

WINSTON: You could have at least built yourself a phone.  
WINSTON: I would've come to get you.

HAMMOND: Alas, it's in the past.  
HAMMOND: There's nothing we can do anymore.

TORBJORN: There's way too much backstory to this.

D.VA: hey i like seeing friends reunite

MCCREE: unless its jack and reyes

GENJI: yeah really fuck u two

ANA: They already did  
ANA: If u get what im talking about  
ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REINHARDT: Oh, I get what you're talking about.  
REINHARDT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PHARAH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LUCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

D.VA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MERCY: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: Can we not do this?

MCCREE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REAPER: **I thought you hated the Lenny Face.**

MCCREE: i do  
MCCREE: but if i need to use it to spite you then its worth it

REAPER: **Fuck you.**

BRIGITTE: How about fuck Jack?  
BRIGITTE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: STOP!

SYMMETRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MEI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ZARYA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BASTION: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

WIDOWMAKER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MOIRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

DOOMFIST: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: Where the fuck did you all even come from?

SYMMETRA: We're always here.

DOOMFIST: We just rarely see any reason to jump in.

MEI: I couldn't pass up this opportunity.

TORBJORN: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

HAMMOND: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REAPER: **Not you too.**

LUCIO: LMAO HAMMONDS ALREADY COOLER THAN REYES

HAMMOND: From what I can tell, that doesn't take much.

D.VA: he learns quickly

WINSTON: He is a genetically-modified hamster.  
WINSTON: Learning is what he was made for.

HAMMOND: Precisely.

MEI: It's nice to meet you, Hammond.

HAMMOND: Same to you.  
HAMMOND: I hope I get to meet all of you face to face very soon.

SYMMETRA: That should be fun.  
SYMMETRA: You can join our weekly coffee sessions if you wish.

HAMMOND: I don't drink coffee.

HANZO: You don't need to.  
HANZO: It just means that you're part of an exclusive club.

MCCREE: hey wait a second

GENJI: why does the hamster have better cred than we do?  
GENJI: hes been here for like ten minutes

HANZO: We need to save him before he's totally corrupted.

D.VA: too late  
D.VA: were racing around the base with his mech

TORBJORN: That's what all the noise is?

LUCIO: pretty much

TORBJORN: _IF YOU BREAK ANYTHING..._

D.VA: chill well be fine  
D.VA: i think

TORBJORN: That doesn't reassure me.

LUCIO: its fine  
LUCIO: as long as sombra doesnt hack me again

SOMBRA: im staying out of this one

D.VA: :(

SOMBRA: sorry i dont need another incident like last time

REINHARDT: I said to stay away from my beach chair.

SOMBRA: it wasnt my fault

REINHARDT: It doesn't matter.

HAMMOND: Do these things happen often?

WINSTON: More than you think.  
WINSTON: Just stay away from Hana, Lucio, and Genji and you'll be okay.

D.VA: hey

LUCIO: im offended

76: Good.

WINSTON: And, to a lesser extent, Jesse.

MCCREE: yeah im not gonna try to defend myself here

ANA: Smart

REINHARDT: At least Jesse has some sense.

MERCY: Don't give him that much credit.

HAMMOND: Which one is Jesse again?

PHARAH: The cowboy.

HAMMOND: Ah.  
HAMMOND: Are cowboys still considered cool?

ANA: They were until jesse dressed up as one

MCCREE: mcfucking rude

HAMMOND: I notice that making fun of Jesse appears to be a trend.

GENJI: basically

HAMMOND: Am I required to do this in order to be accepted into your ranks?

ANA: Yes

WINSTON: No.  
WINSTON Ana, stop.

HAMMOND: Very well then.  
HAMMOND: Jesse, you are an ugly, obnoxious, immature, stupid, ignorant asshole who can't shoot for shit and is the least talented member of the team.  
HAMMOND: And that getup looks absolutely ridiculous on you.

D.VA: OMG

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LUCIO: IM FUCKING CRYING

MCCREE: ME TOO  
MCCREE: BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS

ANA: HAMMOND IS NOW THE COOLEST PERSON ON BASE DONT EVEN @ ME

WINSTON: Hammond...

HAMMOND: I'm sorry.  
HAMMOND: I only used the expletives for dramatic purposes.  
HAMMOND: I just want the team to accept me.

WINSTON: They would have respected you regardless.  
WINSTON: There was no need to personally destroy Jesse.

ANA: Disagree

WINSTON: _Quiet._

HAMMOND: I apologize Jesse.  
HAMMOND: I hope we can still be friends.

MCCREE: ...i guess  
MCCREE: but please never hurt me this way again

HAMMOND: Understood.

LUCIO: HAMMOND WAIT DONT TURN LEFT

D.VA: ZARYA LOOK UP

ZARYA: Huh?

_________________________

LUCIO: PLEASE STOP  
LUCIO: PLEASE  
LUCIO: JUST LET ME DIE

ZARYA: You will.  
ZARYA: Slowly and painfully.

D.VA: THIS ISNT EVEN OUR FAULT  
D.VA: YOU SHOULDNT WALK ACROSS THE COURTYARD STARING AT YOUR PHONE

ZARYA: YOU SHOULDN'T BE HAVING MECH RACES!  
ZARYA: _Глупый_

LUCIO: HAMMONDS THE ONE THAT HIT YOU

ZARYA: HE WILL DIE TOO.  
ZARYA: I DO NOT DISCRIMINATE!

TORBJORN: This is exactly why I told you to stop.

LUCIO: WE TRIED  
LUCIO: WE WERE GOING TOO FAST

TRACER: gotta go fast

MCCREE: get out

TRACER: WHY CANT YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?

REAPER: **Stop with the sonic references.**

TRACER: NEVER

D.VA: THATS MY ARM

ZARYA: YOU ARE LUCKY IT WASN'T YOUR HEAD!

D.VA: WE SAID WE WERE SORRY

ZARYA: SORRY WILL NOT SET YOU FREE!

HAMMOND: I JUST GOT HERE I DON'T NEED THIS!

ZARYA: YOU WILL LEARN RESPECT!

HAMMOND: PLEASE NO!

HANZO: It's too late.

SYMMETRA: He's already been corrupted.

WINSTON: Mei, can you tell Zarya to spare Hammond?  
WINSTON: I don't care what happens to Hana and Lucio.

LUCIO: UM EXCUSE ME  
LUCIO: I KINDA WANT TO LIVE

76: Don't lie.

LUCIO: ...  
LUCIO: OKAY FINE

ZARYA: THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!

LUCIO: PLEASE!

ZARYA: _FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE!_

________________________

REINHARDT: 

ZARYA: For now.

LUCIO: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

ZARYA: Exist.

SOMBRA: rip

MCCREE: stop

ZARYA: Next time, do not hit me.

D.VA: IT WAS YOUR FAULT  
D.VA: YOU WERE ON YOUR PHONE

ZARYA: You should pay attention.

D.VA: BITCH WHAT THE FUCK

WINSTON: Is Hammond okay?

HAMMOND: I'm fine.  
HAMMOND: And I think I've learned my lesson.

ANA: Thats a surprise

TRACER: yeah jesse and genji have been here for years and they still dont learn their lessons

GENJI: i feel personally attacked

ZARYA: I can physically attack you if you want.

GENJI: stay away from me u meaty demon

SOMBRA: meaty is the worst word you couldve used there

REINHARDT: Maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some of us didn't try to play with Big Meaty Claws!

ANA: _REINHARDT_

REINHARDT: _**BIG!**_  
REINHARDT: _**MEATY!**_  
REINHARDT: _**CLAWS!**_

ANA: _STOP IT_

HAMMOND: I don't understand.

WINSTON: It's a reference to a TV show.

HAMMOND: Ah.

TRACER: zaryas an absolute unit

GENJI: kill urself

MERCY: Don't do that.

SOMBRA: she has big meaty claws

BRIGITTE: This conversation can stop at any time.

MCCREE: i mean its either this or we talk about reyes jerking off again

REAPER: **CAN YOU NOT?**

ANA: Its not our fault u got caught

REAPER: **I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING!**

MCCREE: fareeha saw it

PHARAH: _I WAS ELEVEN!_  
PHARAH: _THAT IMAGE WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER!_

GENJI: u should talk  
GENJI: i walked in on u and angela using the turkey baster

PHARAH: _YOU PROMISED TO NEVER SPEAK ABOUT THAT AGAIN!_

GENJI: i dont recall

MOIRA: This chatroom is like unhealthily kinky.

SOMBRA: you say that like its a bad thing

WINSTON: It is.

SOMBRA: stop kinkshaming us

REINHARDT: K I N K S H A M I N G I S M Y K I N K

SYMMETRA: You're all dead to me.

MCCREE: were we not before?

SYMMETRA: Even more so now.

TORBJORN: Wait, what the fuck were you doing with the turkey baster?

PHARAH: _NOTHING!_

GENJI: _IT WAS MENTALLY SCARRING_

PHARAH: I'LL KILL YOU!

GENJI: BRING IT

HANZO: I ALREADY TRIED!

GENJI: I LIVED BITCH

HANZO: AND WASN'T THAT A FUCKING TRAGEDY?

GENJI: DLDGBDNBVKLJADFG  
GENJI: U HAVE DISHONORED ME

HANZO: YOU'VE BEEN DISHONORED SINCE BIRTH!

GENJI: FUCK U

HAMMOND: I have a strange feeling that I'm going to like it here.

TRACER: you will  
TRACER: in time

WINSTON: Maybe I should've let you stay in Junkertown.

HAMMOND: And miss out on this?  
HAMMOND: Heck no.

MCCREE: oh just you wait  
MCCREE: it can only go down from here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, time for some bad news. For the time being, this story is being put on a temporary hiatus (Don't worry, I'm not abandoning it.) These past few weeks have been absolutely crazy for me and it's just getting crazier as time goes on. There's a whole truckload of things that I need to do, and I'm going to be putting all of my focus onto those things. Because of that, this fic will be taking a back seat for the next month or so. I will be trying to write whenever I have time, but I don't anticipate any new chapters being posted during that time. Hopefully, I can power through all my personal stuff quickly and life can start getting back to normal. But, until then, I'm going to have to leave this where it is. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, and I'm very thankful for all your support. And you have my word, this story is NOT over. It's far from it, and I'm committed for the long haul. Thank you all so much for understanding, and I'll try to get back on this as soon as possible.


	63. im back bitches!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back! Did you miss me?
> 
> As an apology for being MIA for long, please enjoy this very long chapter with ultra condensed fuckery.

MCCREE: WHAT  
MCCREE: THE FUCK  
MCCREE: ARE YOU DOING

D.VA: NOTHING  
D.VA: NOTHING IS HAPPENING  
D.VA: LOOK THE OTHER WAY

76: HANA!  
76: WE DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR THE RESOURCES TO FIX ANYTHING YOU BREAK!

D.VA: IM NOT BREAKING ANYTHING  
D.VA: TOO MUCH AT LEAST

76: _HANA!_

D.VA: LOOK ITS NOT MY FAULT OKAY  
D.VA: NO ONE TOLD ME THAT GENJI DIDNT LIKE CARE BEARS

LUCIO: ive told you this like nine times

D.VA: I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING

GENJI: _COME BACK HERE U LITTLE SHIT_

D.VA: _STOP_

JUNKRAT: IM FUCKING LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

MERCY: What the fuck is happening?

ANA: Who knows at this point

SOMBRA: hana dressed up as a giant care bear and hid in genjis closet and when he walked into the room she jumped out at him

PHARAH: And she's still breathing?

GENJI: SHE WONT BE FOR MUCH LONGER

DOOMFIST: Every single day, I think that there's no possible way you can act any weirder.  
DOOMFIST: And every single day, I'm proven wrong.

LUCIO: hey man thats more your fault than ours

TRACER: yeah you expect too much of us!

DOOMFIST: Clearly.

REAPER: **Why are you even trying to make peace with them?**  
REAPER: **They are our enemies!**

SOMBRA: literally no one still buys into this enemy bullshit except for you and jack

ANA: Guess it makes sense that theyre fucking then

76: WE ARE NOT!

SOMBRA: dont make me send the footage from bowling night

76: ???????????????????  
76: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU HAVE CAMERAS IN THE FUCKING SUPPLY CLOSETS NOW?

SOMBRA: the fact that you didnt already know this just proves how clueless you really are

MCCREE: wait what the fuck were you doing in the supply closet?

REINHARDT: It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

WINSTON: FOR THE LAST TIME!  
WINSTON: KEEP THE NSFW BUSINESS TO YOUR ROOMS!

TRACER: wasnt the original rule that we werent allowed to have sex anywhere on base?

WINSTON: I was forced to alter it when it became clear that none of you were going to listen to it.  
WINSTON: At least I thought this would make the area less hazardous for innocent passers-by.

MCCREE: yeah i still have nightmares from when i walked into the bathroom at three in the morning

BRIGITTE: No one told you to use that specific bathroom.

MCCREE: IT WAS THE MENS BATHROOM  
MCCREE: CANT YOU AT LEAST STICK TO THE WOMENS?

BRIGITTE: We thought we could draw less suspicion that way.

REINHARDT: How'd that work out for you?

BRIGITTE: It was fine until Jesse interrupted.

MCCREE: WELL MCFUCKING EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING A FUNCTIONING BLADDER

DOOMFIST: Christ, you've even corrupted Satya.

SYMMETRA: I refuse to be held accountable for this.

LUCIO: its cool we know that brigittes the bad influence

MERCY: Why would you get it on in the Men's bathroom?  
MERCY: Especially in the A wing.  
MERCY: I can't even remember the last time that place was cleaned.

ANA: Itd be a lot sooner if someone hadnt maimed the janitor

MCCREE: LISTEN

TRACER: what were you even thinking?

MCCREE: THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH SCARY MOVIES

REINHARDT: You literally beat him with the blunt end of a crowbar.  
REINHARDT: How did you not realize who he was after the first ten hits?

MCCREE: HE COULDVE BEEN A BODY SNATCHER

ANA: OH YEAH CAUSE I FUCKING FORGOT THAT BODY SNATCHERS EXISTED ALL THE SUDDEN

MCCREE: THATS EXACTLY WHAT A BODY SNATCHER WOULD SAY

ANA: IN A MINUTE IM GONNA SNATCH UR HAT AND BLAST IT TO THE OTHER END OF THE UNIVERSE

MCCREE: YOU WOULDNT DARE

ANA: TRY ME FUCKER

LUCIO: wow why does ana feel so strongly about a janitor?

TRACER: because he was supposed to clean her room the night jesse almost killed him

LUCIO: ...so why didnt you just clean it yourself?

ANA: ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE

SOMBRA: have you seen anas room?

LUCIO: have you?

SOMBRA: yes actually  
SOMBRA: she made me install a camera in there

76: Why?

SOMBRA: so she could catch whoever was stealing the starbursts out of her desk

JUNKRAT: OI WAIT IS THAT WHY SHE KEPT SHOOTING ME FOR NO REASON?

ANA: YES  
ANA: FUCK U

DOOMFIST: What the fuck even is Overwatch?

76: A giant mistake.

LUCIO: yeah jack would know all about that

76: Fucking jump off a building.

LUCIO: dont tempt me  
LUCIO: im feeling a little extra done with everyone today

GENJI: GET OVER HERE

D.VA: STAY AWAY FROM ME

GENJI: U WILL DIE

D.VA: IT WAS JUST A JOKE

GENJI: I AM NOT LAUGHING

WINSTON: Why are you all like this?

TRACER: its all part of the job!

WINSTON: No it isn't.

MCCREE: oh and i overreacted?

ANA: Well genji hasnt killed hana yet so yes

MOIRA: "Yet."

DOOMFIST: You're not helping.

MOIRA: Why won't you just let me have my fun?

MERCY: Because the last time you said that, three people lost their arms.

MOIRA: That was an accident!

MERCY: That doesn't make it okay.

BRIGITTE: Hanzo, could you stop your brother?  
BRIGITTE: Because if he breaks my gymnastics trophies I will take him apart and mail each of his limbs to a different continent.

LUCIO: i low key want to see that happen

TRACER: gymnastics?

BRIGITTE: Yes, I did gymnastics when I was younger.

ANA: Wow that must mean ur pretty flexible?  
ANA: Right satya?

SYMMETRA: She is.  
SYMMETRA: ...  
SYMMETRA: I can't believe you baited me like that.

ANA: lmao i cant believe u fell for it that easily

HANZO: I could, but I think it's better if I'm used as a last resort.

MCCREE: why are you gonna kill him again?

HANZO: Something like that.

WINSTON: You're creating more problems than solutions.

LUCIO: hey man just because you dont like violence doesnt mean its not a good way to solve a problem

MERCY: It's not.

HANZO: Oh shut up.  
HANZO: Need I remind you of the softball incident?

MERCY: I had been awake for nearly 48 straight hours and had already reset Jesse's arm three times at that point.  
MERCY: You deserved everything that happened to you.

MCCREE: it wasnt even my idea

MERCY: I don't care.

D.VA: I TOOK THE COSTUME OFF LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO LEAVE ME ALONE

GENJI: _GENJI IS WITH U_

D.VA: GENJI NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

GENJI: _A WARRIOR MUST ANSWER THE CALL_

MCCREE: youre not a warrior

76: You haven't been a warrior for almost twenty years.

GENJI: one day u will have to answer to god for ur sins and he may not be so forgiving

MCCREE: thats fine  
MCCREE: i already know that i have a seat reserved in hell

LUCIO: aye same

JUNKRAT: HEY GET AWAY FROM THAT

GENJI: SHE MUST NOT ESCAPE

JUNKRAT: DONT FUCKING TOUCH ANYTHING

GENJI: HELP ME CATCH HER AND NONE OF UR STUFF WILL BE TOUCHED

JUNKRAT: I HAVE AN IDEA

WINSTON: _JAMISON, NO!_

_______________________________

REINHARDT: Well.

76: I specifically remember saying that your traps weren't allowed on base.

JUNKRAT: IM FROM THE OUTBACK MATE  
JUNKRAT: IDK WHY YOU THINK IM JUST GONNA FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS

MERCY: Why can't you be more like Mako?

JUNKRAT: BECAUSE HES A SUCK UP AND IM NOT

ROADHOG: what was that?

JUNKRAT: NOTHING!  
JUNKRAT: I SAID NOTHING!

ROADHOG: thats what i thought

D.VA: BEAR TRAPS ARE CHEATING

JUNKRAT: FILE A COMPLAINT

D.VA: IM GONNA FILE MORE THAN THAT

MERCY: Both of you, stop it.

HAMMOND: Does this happen often?

MCCREE: daily

ANA: More like hourly honestly

MCCREE: yeah you right

PHARAH: I tried to warn you.

HAMMOND: I was curious to see if you were actually serious.

PHARAH: I'm always serious.

LUCIO: except for when shes underneath angela

SOMBRA: yeah then she turns into a big softie

BRIGITTE: "Ugh, Angie, I love you so much."

MCCREE: DONT

TRACER: "im your toy angie"

GENJI: "play with me to ur hearts content"

LUCIO: "ive been a naughty girl mommy you need to punish me."

REINHARDT: 

HANZO: I could've gone my whole life without being a part of this conversation and I could've died happy.

GENJI: dont bullshit us ur never happy

HANZO: Fuck you.

ANA: I seriously didnt need to hear about my daughters sex life

SOMBRA: you think hearing it is bad?  
SOMBRA: try having to watch it happen live

MERCY: NO ONE TOLD YOU TO WATCH IT!

SOMBRA: what can i say?  
SOMBRA: im a sadistic fuck

LUCIO: thats hot

MCCREE: i mean  
MCCREE: if youre into that

TRACER: fareehas definitely into it

PHARAH: Leave me alone.

TRACER: aw come on luv were just teasing!

PHARAH: I have done nothing that means that I need to be teased like this.

LUCIO: being a sub automatically puts you in the teasing pool

GENJI: so do u call angela dr dom?

WINSTON: _STOP!_

REINHARDT: Seriously.  
REINHARDT: There's no reason that this needs to continue.

LUCIO: debatable

D.VA: please stop pissing angela off shes busy trying to remove the spikes from my ankle and everytime she gets mad she misses and it hurts more

JUNKRAT: LMAO

GENJI: u deserve worse for what u did to me

D.VA: man up you bitch

GENJI: DO NOT SNEAK UP ON ME WEARING THAT SHIT  
GENJI: UR LUCKY THAT IT WASNT WORSE FOR U

HAMMOND: You all need to go on more missions.  
HAMMOND: Maybe it'd lower the mortality rate of the base.

76: We've been trying.  
76: Lucio, Hana, and Jesse don't even come out with us anymore.

MCCREE: i told you that im protesting until you put the gushers back in the vending machine

76: THEY ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOU!

MCCREE: ASK ME IF I GIVE A SHIT

GENJI: wed be able to go out on missions more if talon would stop sucking and start doing shit again

REAPER: **THAT'S THEIR FAULT!**  
REAPER: **SOMBRA DOESN'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE, DOOMFIST SPENDS HIS DAY SIPPING COFFEE AND READING THE PAPER LIKE PRETENTIOUS PIECE OF SHIT, AND MOIRA JUST SITS IN HER OFFICE GETTING OFF TO PICTURES OF ANGELA.**

MOIRA: GABE!  
MOIRA: YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER TELL ANYONE THAT!

REAPER: **AND YOU SAID YOU'D STOP CALLING ME GABE!**  
REAPER: **GABRIEL REYES IS DEAD!**  
REAPER: **STOP BRINGING HIM UP!**

D.VA: he forgot to mention widowmaker

WIDOWMAKER: I defected long ago.

LUCIO: yeah now she just lets lena take pictures of her ass all day

TRACER: youre just jealous that i can touch it and you cant

LUCIO: well technically i can  
LUCIO: the difference is that she wont kill you immediately after

GENJI: eh itd be worth it

WIDOWMAKER: All of you stay away from me.

MCCREE: it beats hearing them having sex while im trying to eat breakfast

REINHARDT: _WHY?_

WIDOWMAKER: It's not my fault you're a virgin.

MCCREE: WOW

LUCIO: LMAO

GENJI: REKTED

MCCREE: hey for the record im not a virgin

ANA: Uh huh sure

MCCREE: im not  
MCCREE: i might not have gotten laid in a while but i have definitely gotten laid before

PHARAH: You say that like you're unsure.

MCCREE: i did!  
MCCREE: a while ago  
MCCREE: before overwatch

LUCIO: yeah i bet

GENJI: who?

MCCREE: u dont know her she went to another school

TRACER: ha!

REINHARDT: I haven't heard that excuse in a while.

D.VA: how old were you?

MCCREE: 15 i think  
MCCREE: maybe just turned 16

GENJI: did u lose it on base tho?

TRACER: yeah fareeha did

ANA: Excuse me what?

PHARAH: GUYS!

TRACER: what?  
TRACER: are we thinking of the wrong person?  
TRACER: ...  
TRACER: yeah wasnt it when we all went on that mission and angela pretended she was sick and then the two of you...  
TRACER: WAIT NO  
TRACER: THIS NEVER HAPPENED ANA AVERT YOUR EYES

ANA: ANGELA  
ANA: DO U HAVE TO DIE?

MERCY: I'M PULLING SPIKES OUT OF HANA'S LEG I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!

ANA: THE TWO OF US ARE GOING TO HAVE A VERY SERIOUS TALK WHEN UR DONE

LUCIO: thats a rip

MCCREE: shut up

WINSTON: I can't believe I'm still hearing this.

76: I can't believe I haven't left yet.

LUCIO: i cant believe its not butter

JUNKRAT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

GENJI: lol nice lucio

MOIRA: Get out.

LUCIO: dont tell me what to do

MCCREE: hey what the fuck happened to the tv in the common room?

D.VA: i threw it at genji in an attempt to escape

LUCIO: did it work?

D.VA: nope  
D.VA: he sliced through it with his sword and kept charging at me

MCCREE: guys what the fuck?  
MCCREE: this is the seventh tv weve gone through since coming back

REINHARDT: Four of those were destroyed within the first week though.  
REINHARDT: I think that's a pretty good stat.

MCCREE: but its the second time this month  
MCCREE: i just want to watch my show dammit

ANA: Just grab another one from the warehouse

MCCREE: the warehouse is like a ten minute walk from here tho

ANA: So?  
ANA: Is 10 minutes gonna kill u?

MCCREE: people have died in weirder ways

PHARAH: Take Hana for example.  
PHARAH: She died with a care bear costume on.

D.VA: ITS NOT FUNNY

MERCY: YOU ARE SO LUCKY THAT I HAD MY STAFF ON HAND!

D.VA: YOU SAY LUCKY I SAY UNFORTUNATE

GENJI: same tho

DOOMFIST: For someone who complains about being killed, you sure do joke a lot about it.

GENJI: if hanzo killed me now id thank him  
GENJI: he killed me back when i actually thought that life was worth living

76: Genji...

GENJI: look man i cant help that im depressed

LUCIO: you think youre depressed?  
LUCIO: yesterday i cried for twenty minutes because i dropped my pillow on the floor and didnt want to get up to grab it

ANA: What the fuck?

GENJI: i let go of the rope during climbing training cause i was hoping i would fall and break my neck

LUCIO: i dropped the beat while standing on a bed of nails so the pain would last longer

REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: no

ANA: Stop with the shitty memes

REINHARDT: EVERY MEME THAT I SEND IS FANTASTIC!

ANA: NO THEYRE NOT

REINHARDT: _**BLASPHEMY!**_

MCCREE: guys seriously we need to replace the tv

ANA: Jfc just get another from the warehouse  
ANA: Theres a reason that we ordered 200 extra from amazon

MCCREE: BUT I DONT WANNA WALK THAT FAR!

SOMBRA: why not just ask bastion?

BASTION: ?

MCCREE: good idea  
MCCREE: hey bastion can you get me one of the tvs from the warehouse and bring it to the common room so i can set it up?

BASTION: :D

MCCREE: thanks partner

WINSTON: BASTION IS NOT HERE TO BE YOUR PERSONAL BUTLER!

MCCREE: cmon winston its one favor

PHARAH: Besides, he actually really likes Jesse.  
PHARAH: For some reason.

MCCREE: i cant say i recall seeing any of you jump into action when ganymede was sick

76: THE REST OF US WERE ON A MISSION!  
76: WHICH IS ALSO WHERE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE!

MCCREE: well thank god i stayed behind because bastion wouldve destroyed the whole fucking base if i didnt

REAPER: **You would've been better off.**

LUCIO: says the guy that already destroyed it once before

TRACER: yeah seriously gabe not cool!

REAPER: **IT WASN'T ME!**

ANA: Oh really who was it then?  
ANA: The bomb fairy?

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!**  
REAPER: **AGAIN!**

GENJI: u have never come close to destroying anything in ur life

MCCREE: besides the toilet in the conference room

REAPER: **THAT WAS YOUR FAULT!**

MCCREE: you said you could handle the spicy stuff

REAPER: **THERE IS NOT A SOUL LIVING ON THIS EARTH THAT CAN DIGEST FORTY CAROLINA REAPER CHILI PEPPERS AND NOT HAVE SOME KIND OF REACTION!**

GENJI: pussy

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

SOMBRA: jesse bastions outside the common room with the tv

MCCREE: damn he moves quick

SOMBRA: well hes in his tank form

WINSTON: Bastion, please don't blow anything up.

BASTION: :-)

MCCREE: he wont i promise

MOIRA: Hey, why can't we get our own omnic?

DOOMFIST: Because the last one blew up Reaper's movie collection and then disappeared mysteriously.

SOMBRA: haha there was no mystery widow and i scrapped it for the parts for the ac unit

WIDOWMAKER: I did so against my will.

SOMBRA: details details

BASTION: :(

D.VA: DONT WORRY BASTION NO ONES GONNA SCRAP YOU BECAUSE IF THEY DO ILL KILL ALL OF THEM

BASTION: :D

76: I seriously doubt you could take on more than three of us at a time.

D.VA: wanna put it to the test old man?

WINSTON: Jack...

76: ...  
76: Fine.  
76: I'll let this one go.

MCCREE: were all so proud of how you handle adversity

76: Fuck you.

D.VA: OW  
D.VA: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

MERCY: STOP MOVING!  
MERCY: IT'S JUST GOING TO HURT MORE!

D.VA: IT WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED IF JUNKRAT DIDNT LEAVE HIS TRAPS LAYING AROUND

JUNKRAT: WATCH WHERE YOURE GOING NEXT TIME THEN

D.VA: ILL FUCKING KILL YOU

JUNKRAT: GOOD LUCK

ROADHOG: quiet

JUNKRAT: COME ON MATE SHE STARTED IT

ROADHOG: and im finishing it

JUNKRAT: YOURE NO FUN

ROADHOG: youre very right

LUCIO: since when is roadhog the mediator?

ROADHOG: since i started getting fed up with all of your bullshit

GENJI: fair

MCCREE: REINHARDT  
MCCREE: GET YOUR FUCKING ELEPHANT BACK IN HER PEN BEFORE I LET BASTION USE HER FOR TARGET PRACTICE

REINHARDT: _DON'T YOU TOUCH HER!_

MCCREE: NOW

WINSTON: Why did I agree to let Reinhardt keep that elephant?

HANZO: I think it had something to do with the fact that he threatened to destroy every computer on base.

BRIGITTE: Wait what the fuck?  
BRIGITTE: There's an elephant on base?

GENJI: where the fuck have u been for the last six months?

LUCIO: obviously fornicating with satya

SYMMETRA: Leave me out of this.

PHARAH: How does that elephant keep getting out?

SOMBRA: i keep unlocking the pen lol

76: Stop.

SOMBRA: nah thats no fun

WINSTON: Sombra please.  
WINSTON: You know that I don't usually ask for things.  
WINSTON: But we really can't afford anything else breaking.

SOMBRA: ...youre lucky that i like you winston  
SOMBRA: ill stop letting her out  
SOMBRA: but...  
SOMBRA: i want to be invited to the next beach party you guys throw

WINSTON: I'm fairly certain that you were going to be invited anyway.

SOMBRA: yay!

LUCIO: basically all of talon was going to be invited  
LUCIO: obviously besides reaper

REAPER: **Why are you this way?**

D.VA: hey dont feel too bad gabe  
D.VA: jack wasnt invited either

76: What?  
76: But it's my fucking beach house.

MCCREE: not anymore  
MCCREE: i had sombra hack the records  
MCCREE: its in reinhardts name now

GENJI: why not just put it in urs?

MCCREE: because i have a fucking bounty on my head

GENJI: right i forgot

MCCREE: how could you possibly forget that?

ANA: Yeah seriously he reminds us like every two minutes

MOIRA: If you're so worried about getting caught, why do you keep going into public and buying unhealthy snacks?

MCCREE: i like a little challenge  
MCCREE: and besides  
MCCREE: SINCE JACK TOOK THE GUSHERS OUT OF THE VENDING MACHINE NOW I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GO OUT AND BUY THEM

76: THEY WERE KEEPING YOU UP ALL NIGHT!  
76: YOU NEED TO SLEEP!

MCCREE: DONT PRETEND THAT YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED

REINHARDT: BASTION, PLEASE!

BASTION: >:(

REINHARDT: I'LL PUT HER BACK!  
REINHARDT: JUST PLEASE STOP SCARING HER!

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [CHATTY MCCHATFACE]**

MEI: What is going on here?

GENJI: im pretty sure u can figure that out urself

MEI: IT'S TWO IN THE MORNING!  
MEI: I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

LUCIO: you still sleep?

D.VA: weak

MEI: Unlike the vast majority of you, I actually do stuff during the day.

GENJI: like zarya?

MEI: Don't you dare start this.

ZARYA: Is someone insulting my girlfriend?

GENJI: ...no

ZARYA: That's what I thought.

MEI: I'm trying to sleep.  
MEI: Keep it down.  
MEI: Or Else.

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] left chatroom [CHATTY MCCHATFACE]**

**[ZARYA] left chatroom [CHATTY MCCHATFACE]**

GENJI: im filing a report with hr because i no longer feel that the workplace is a safe environment

MERCY: It hasn't been safe for a very long time.

MCCREE: sure why dont you go find greg and tell him about it

GENJI: FUCK GREG  
GENJI: FUCK GREG HARD  
GENJI: I HOPE HE DIED

76: Wishful thinking.

LUCIO: whos greg?

ANA: Its really not important

BRIGITTE: It sounds kinda important.

REINHARDT: It's not.  
REINHARDT: Trust me.

MERCY: _HANA!_

D.VA: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DEMON  
D.VA: JUST LET ME DIE

MERCY: _STOP!_  
MERCY: _MOVING!_

D.VA: I DONT DESERVE THIS

GENJI: yes u do

D.VA: FUCK YOU

PHARAH: This wouldn't happen if you'd just be a little more mature.

D.VA: ITS A CURSE

GENJI: dont listen to her hana

MCCREE: yeah shes just mad that youre cutting into her sexy time

PHARAH: Fuck off.

MERCY: We can get back to it as soon as I'm done.

PHARAH: I don't like when you keep me waiting.

MERCY: Don't lie.  
MERCY: I know how much you love being teased, you little minx.

PHARAH: ;-)

MCCREE: STOP

REINHARDT: THIS IS NOT PRIVATE MESSAGING!

MERCY: Oh believe me, I know exactly what I'm doing.

LUCIO: im gonna need to drown myself in holy water whenever this shitshow ends

TRACER: it never ends here!

GENJI: hana u better run

MCCREE: the only thing worse than an angry doctor is an angry and horny doctor

GENJI: the things she starts doing with her stethoscope made reyes start finding jesus on the spot

REAPER: **DO!**  
REAPER: **NOT!**  
REAPER: _**EVER!**_  
REAPER: **SPEAK OF IT!**

D.VA: should i be scared?

ANA: Extremely

D.VA: for fucks sake we have like five healers on base why cant one of you help me?

ZENYATTA: Doctor Ziegler is the most skilled.  
ZENYATTA: She's also the only one who can bring you back to life.

LUCIO: yeah im just too lazy to help lol

SYMMETRA: I don't even heal.

BRIGITTE: I'm new here.

D.VA: YOUVE BEEN HERE FOR LIKE SIX MONTHS TF?

BRIGITTE: Still not long enough.

ANA: Ur not worthy of my heals

D.VA: GOD DAMMIT  
D.VA: CANT WINSTON OR THE HAMSTER HELP ME?

WINSTON: I'm a scientist.  
WINSTON: Not a doctor.

HAMMOND: I have no medical experience.

D.VA: its fine  
D.VA: if you botch an operation id forgive you

HAMMOND: But you would probably die.

D.VA: thats kinda the whole point

DOOMFIST: Why is this chat so depressing?

LUCIO: its an accurate representation of our real life struggles?

76: What struggles?  
76: Trying to open the pickle jar?

LUCIO: I DONT CARE WHAT ANY OF YOU SAY THAT LID WAS DEFINITELY WELDED SHUT

MCCREE: it didnt seem like that when lena opened it pretty effortlessly

LUCIO: FUCK YOU

TRACER: haha lucio just cant compare to my sick gainz  
TRACER: git gud brochaco

ANA: Shut the hell up

D.VA: OW  
D.VA: STOP!

MERCY: THERE'S ONLY TWO MORE LEFT!

D.VA: JUST END ME

76: This is exactly why I banned the traps.

JUNKRAT: YOURE JUST MAD THAT THEY WORK SO WELL

76: I'M MAD BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FOLLOW A SIMPLE DIRECTION!

JUNKRAT: ITS A PERFECT DAY FOR SOME MAYHEM

MERCY: HANA, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T HOLD STILL.

D.VA: IM NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE

MERCY: DON'T MAKE ME CALL IN THE BIG GUNS!

D.VA: GUNS DONT SCARE ME

MERCY: THEY WILL!

ANA: _TAKE UR MEDICINE_

WINSTON: _ALL OF YOU, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!_

________________________________

SYMMETRA: Are you quite done?

MERCY: Finally.

ANA: It took three darts to take her down  
ANA: Im kinda impressed

BRIGITTE: Is that what all the shouting was about?

ANA: More or less

MCCREE: why does it seem like every single incident ends this way?

GENJI: prob cause it does

MERCY: Now, if there are no more issues.  
MERCY: I have a date with my girlfriend and a very soft mattress.

LUCIO: tmi seriously

TRACER: hey widow and i were just getting ready to do the same thing!

WINSTON: Do you people have any shame?

REINHARDT: Clearly not.

PHARAH: I'll be waiting anxiously.  
PHARAH: Should we roleplay again or just get right to it?

MERCY: Depends.  
MERCY: I did really like pretending that you were my student.

MCCREE: STOP

PHARAH: I have a few good ideas.

MERCY: Run them by me.  
MERCY: Just so I know how to act when I get there.

GENJI: GUYS...

MERCY: THIS IS PAYBACK FOR KEEPING ME WAITING!

GENJI: IT WAS HANAS FAULT!

MERCY: SHE DIDN'T KILL HERSELF GENJI!  
MERCY: EVEN THOUGH SHE'S REALLY WANTED TO AT TIMES!

BRIGITTE: GET THIS SINFUL BULLSHIT OUT OF MY CHAT BEFORE I START THROWING HANDS!

MERCY: I AM GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH MY GORGEOUS GIRLFRIEND!  
MERCY: THAT'S RIGHT!  
MERCY: FAREEHA AND I ARE GOING TO FUCK!  
MERCY: AND IT'S GOING TO BE HOT!

REINHARDT: 

GENJI: god left a long time ago

MCCREE: jesus didnt die for this

TRACER: whats the point of jesus dying for our sins if we dont sin?

WINSTON: Please.  
WINSTON: Just go do whatever you're going to do.  
WINSTON: I can't handle this anymore.

MERCY: With pleasure.

PHARAH: Oh, there will definitely be pleasure.  
PHARAH: Followed by screams of ecstasy.  
PHARAH: ;-)

TRACER: i bet i can make widow scream louder than angela makes you scream!

PHARAH: BET!

LUCIO: thats hot  
LUCIO: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REINHARDT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BRIGITTE: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MOIRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

BASTION: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ZENYATTA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

HAMMOND: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REAPER: **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

SOMBRA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

JUNKRAT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ROADHOG: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

DOOMFIST: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

HANZO: I fucking hate this chat.

____________________________

D.VA: hey jesse i met some woman today who said that she knew you

MCCREE: me?  
MCCREE: cant say that it rings a bell  
MCCREE: i havent talked to anyone outside overwatch for a good ten plus years

GENJI: is she like a one night stand or something?

MCCREE: doubt it  
MCCREE: i didnt do that shit

LUCIO: sure you didnt

MCCREE: i didnt  
MCCREE: im a man of integrity

ANA: Dont lie

MCCREE: give me a little credit here

D.VA: look i didnt ask but apparently she knew that you were back in overwatch and wanted to know if you were still a traitor

MCCREE: i legitimately have no idea what youre talking about

D.VA: here she gave me her number for some reason  
D.VA: ill add her to the chat

WINSTON: Hana...

D.VA: come on what harm could it do?  
D.VA: if shes just a crazy ex or something i can just have sombra get rid of her

MCCREE: wait a second  
MCCREE: what did she look like?

D.VA: idk honestly i only saw her face  
D.VA: and i was totally mesmerized btw  
D.VA: like wow  
D.VA: if i wasnt in a happy relationship atm i wouldve shot my shot

MCCREE: you seriously cant tell me anything about her other than her face?

D.VA: she had like white hair i think  
D.VA: here ill just add her to the convo

MCCREE: hmm...  
MCCREE: WAIT  
MCCREE: HANA NO

**[HANA "D.VA" SONG] added [ASHE] to chatroom [CHATTY MCCHATFACE]**

MCCREE: HANA  
MCCREE: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

ASHE: WELL, BUTTER MY ASS AND CALL ME A BISCUIT.  
ASHE: LOOKEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE!

MCCREE: FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be a point where Blizzard just adds too many characters and I'm just gonna have to start pretending they don't exist because this chatroom can only support so many shitheads. But not Ashe. I fucks with Ashe.
> 
> Anyways, all of the stupid stuff that I had to focus on is done, so I should getting back into the swing of this. I'm trying to get back to my weekly uploading schedule, although things may come up again from time to time. But, unless I say otherwise, just assume that this is going to continue at the rate it was before I left.
> 
> Thanks for waiting around for me. It means a lot! :)


	64. ashe vs mccree

MCCREE: WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?

D.VA: hey man i didnt know your history  
D.VA: i just assumed she was your ex or something

ASHE: I ain't his ex.  
ASHE: He's got a better chance picking up a rabid possum.  
ASHE: And I reckon he couldn't even do that.

MCCREE: WHY MUST YOU ATTACK ME THIS WAY?

ASHE: WHAT DID I SAY WOULD HAPPEN IF I EVER SAW YOUR FACE AGAIN?  
ASHE: YOU TRAITOR!

MCCREE: YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND

ASHE: REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU?  
ASHE: KEEP YOUR WORD!  
ASHE: DON'T WORK WITH THE LAW!  
ASHE: RESPECT EACH OTHER'S TERRITORIES!  
ASHE: _**ALWAYS PUNISH BETRAYAL!**_  
ASHE: YOU'RE GUILTY OF ALL OF THE ABOVE!

MCCREE: YOURE ENCROACHING ON _MY_ TERRITORY RIGHT NOW!  
MCCREE: THIS IS MY TEAM!

ASHE: WE WERE YOUR TEAM FIRST!  
ASHE: DID IT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

LUCIO: are you sure the two of you didnt date?

GENJI: yeah seriously this is the exact conversation two exes would have

ASHE: I AIN'T HIS GOD DAMNED EX!  
ASHE: I DON'T DATE TWO FACED, LYING SNAKES!

MCCREE: FUCK YOU  
MCCREE: WHAT WOULD YOUDA DONE IN MY SPOT?

ASHE: DIE!  
ASHE: GO DOWN SWINGING!  
ASHE: MY LOYALTY IS TO MY TEAM!

MCCREE: SO IS MINE!

ASHE: COULD'VE FOOLED ME WITH HOW QUICKLY YOU SOLD OUT TJ AND FRANKIE!

MCCREE: FRANKIE WAS A PIECE OF SHIT AND YOU KNOW THAT!

ASHE: _HE WAS STILL A PART OF DEADLOCK!_  
ASHE: THEM BOYS WERE YOUR BROTHERS!  
ASHE: AND YOU SOLD THEM OUT!

MCCREE: IT WASNT THAT SIMPLE!

ASHE: BULLSHIT!

76: Hana, what have you done?

D.VA: dont blame me  
D.VA: i didnt know the whole story here

MCCREE: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN MEET HER?

D.VA: places

ASHE: I HEARD THAT A GUY DRESSED AS A COWBOY ROBBED A DUNKIN DONUTS AT GUNPOINT!

WINSTON: _JESSE..._  
WINSTON: _What have we talked about?_

MCCREE: NOT THE TIME

ASHE: AND SINCE I KNOW THAT THERE AIN'T ANY OTHER FOOL IN THE WORLD WHO DRESSED UP LIKE THAT NOWADAYS, IT MADE IT PRETTY EASY TO NARROW IT DOWN!

MCCREE: FUCK

ANA: Lmao this is the greatest conversation ive ever been a part of

MCCREE: THIS DOESNT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU

ANA: I know  
ANA: Its just fun to watch u get chewed out

ASHE: HE'S GONNA GET MORE THAN THAT!

LUCIO: thats what she said

TRACER: hahahaha!

GENJI: lol nice lucio

ASHE: I'M NOT HERE TO BE A PART OF YOUR CHILDISH BULLSHIT!

D.VA: false  
D.VA: you signed up for that the second you joined this chat

ASHE: THIS AIN'T ABOUT ALL OF YOU!

MCCREE: LET ME EXPLAIN!

ASHE: BETTER HOP TO IT BOY!  
ASHE: ALTHOUGH I DOUBT YOU CAN CHANGE MY MIND!

MCCREE: IT WAS REYES FAULT  
MCCREE: HE MADE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN JAIL AND BLACKWATCH

REAPER: **Leave me out of this.**

ASHE: HE DIDN'T MAKE YOU LEAVE DEADLOCK!  
ASHE: THAT WAS COMPLETELY YOUR DECISION!

MCCREE: ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE

ASHE: SOUNDS PRETTY DAMN SIMPLE TO ME!

REINHARDT: I swear to God, I'm having a deja vu moment right now.

MERCY: Yeah, this reminds me of when Jack and Gabe got into a fight over the lawn furniture and didn't talk to each other for four days.

76: _Can we not?_

ASHE: WHY'D YOU DO IT?

REAPER: **I wanted the fire pit and the dining set and he didn't.**

ASHE: I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU!

MCCREE: HE OFFERED ME FREEDOM

REAPER: **I just said you had potential.**  
REAPER: **You had a hell of a shot.**

ASHE: HIS SHOOTING IS WORSE THAN A CROSS-EYED ARMADILLA!

LUCIO: ...a fucking what?

GENJI: i dont speak southern

MERCY: Southern isn't a language.

GENJI: just u wait

MCCREE: TAKE IT BACK

ASHE: WHY SHOULD I?  
ASHE: YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK WHAT YOU DID!

MCCREE: IM BETTER OFF  
MCCREE: IM DOING BETTER THINGS NOW

D.VA: debatable

MCCREE: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BEFORE I CUT YOU

ASHE: BOB WAS SO UPSET, JESSE!  
ASHE: HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?

MCCREE: BOB KNOWS THAT I DID THE BEST THING FOR ME!  
MCCREE: YOU CAN ASK HIM!

ASHE: WELL, WHY DON'T WE THEN?

**[ASHE] added [BOB] to chatroom [CHATTY MCCHATFACE]**

ASHE: BOB, DO SOMETHING!  
ASHE: TELL JESSE HOW MAD YOU ARE AT HIM!

BOB: ...

MCCREE: THANK YOU BOB

ASHE: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE HERE YOU HUNK OF BOLTS!

BOB: ...

ASHE: DON'T START THIS!  
ASHE: THIS IS ABOUT JESSE!  
ASHE: WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS SOME OTHER TIME!

LUCIO: is it just me or is bob saying absolutely nothing?

GENJI: yeah i got nothing

ZENYATTA: It's quite simple, actually.  
ZENYATTA: B.O.B is simply stating that understands why Jesse did what he did.  
ZENYATTA: Although he is still rather upset at him for leaving the Deadlock Gang.

LUCIO: how the fuck did you know that?

ZENYATTA: We're both omnics.  
ZENYATTA: We understand other rather well.

BOB: ...

ZENYATTA: It's wonderful to meet you as well, my friend.

ASHE: STOP TALKING WITH THE REJECTS AND HELP ME!

BOB: ...

MCCREE: BOB I SERIOUSLY DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE  
MCCREE: AND DONT PRETEND THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKED TJ

BOB: ...

MCCREE: I SAID IT WASNT ME  
MCCREE: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  
MCCREE: YOURE MY BUDDY BOB I WOULDNT DO THAT

BOB: ...

ASHE: SEE?

MCCREE: I KNOW YOURE UPSET BUT I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE

BOB: ...

MCCREE: NO WE DONT  
MCCREE: I DIDNT WANT TO ROT IN JAIL

ASHE: WE WOULDA GOT YOU OUT OF THERE!

MCCREE: LIKE YOU DID WITH CARL?

ASHE: _DON'T YOU DARE START THIS SHIT AGAIN!_

MCCREE: YOUR TRACK RECORD WITH BREAKING PEOPLE OUT OF JAIL SUCKS

ASHE: FUCK YOU!

LUCIO: i dont think ive ever been more lost

TRACER: yeah seriously i have no idea what bob is saying and theyre understanding him like hes speaking in paragraphs

BOB: ...

ASHE: DON'T TALK TO THEM!

MCCREE: LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS!

ZENYATTA: We enjoy your company as well B.O.B.

BOB: ...

GENJI: i legitimately have no idea whats going on here

ASHE: DON'T THINK THAT YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK JESSE!

MCCREE: THIS WAS LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO  
MCCREE: GET OVER IT

ASHE: I CAN NOT GET OVER BETRAYAL!

MCCREE: I'M NOT HERE TO BEG FOR FORGIVENESS  
MCCREE: HONESTLY I DONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ANYMORE

ASHE: YOU DAMN WELL BETTER START!  
ASHE: I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!

MCCREE: HANA YOU TOLD HER?

D.VA: it slipped out

76: This is a _secret_ base!

ASHE: Don't flatter yourself.

MCCREE: STAY AWAY FROM ME

ASHE: I'LL FUCK YOU UP!

MCCREE: YOUD NEVER GET HERE IN TIME

ASHE: BOB AND I CAN BE THERE FASTER THAN A BAREFOOT JACKRABBIT ON A HOT GREASY GRIDDLE IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST!

MCCREE: DONT COME NEAR ME

ASHE: Y'ALL DONE MESSED WITH THE BULL!  
ASHE: HOPE YOU'RE READY TO DEAL WITH THE HORNS!

MCCREE: IM NOT THE SAME KID I WAS BACK THEN  
MCCREE: I CAN KILL YOU PRETTY EFFORTLESSLY

ASHE: DOUBT IT!  
ASHE: YOU'D BETTER APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT YOU DID!

MCCREE: I DIDNT DO ANYTHING!

ASHE: APOLOGIZE!

MCCREE: OR WHAT?

ASHE: OR ELSE I'LL BE ON YOU LIKE UGLY ON AN APE!

LUCIO: what the fuck is being said here?

GENJI: i honestly dont have a fucking clue

REINHARDT: I thought she was speaking in Spongebob quotes at first, but then I realized that she really does just talk like that.

ANA: This is still so weird to me

D.VA: im loving this lol

MCCREE: SOMBRA CAN YOU GET RID OF HER PLEASE?

SOMBRA: nah im enjoying this

MCCREE: WHY ARE YOU ALL THE WAY THAT YOU ARE?

LUCIO: it happens

ASHE: PREPARE YOURSELF BITCH BOY!  
ASHE: BOB AND I ARE COMING FOR YOU!

MCCREE: PLEASE DONT

76: I'm going to turn on the security gate.

LUCIO: good luck  
LUCIO: based off of what im seeing a single gate isnt going to stop this woman

ANA: I dont think divine intervention from god himself is going to stop this woman

D.VA: i like her honestly  
D.VA: fierce and sexy  
D.VA: just my type

SOMBRA: bruh

D.VA: but im obviously in a very happy relationship at the moment  
D.VA: buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut  
D.VA: if ashe wants to call me i wont object

MCCREE: CAN YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT SLEEPING WITH MY FORMER BOSS AND HELP ME?

D.VA: lol no youre on your own

MCCREE: FUCK

_________________________

MCCREE: DONT FUCKING COME ANY CLOSER

ASHE: TAKE A STEP!  
ASHE: MAKE MY DAY!

76: HOW THE FUCK DID SHE GET PAST THE GATE?

SOMBRA: oh i disabled it lol

76: WHY?

SOMBRA: cause i wanted to see what was gonna happen

ASHE: BOB, YOU PILE OF JUNK!  
ASHE: WHERE DID YOU GO?

BOB: ...

ASHE: I NEED YOU HERE!

BOB: ...

ASHE: IF IT MATTERS SO MUCH, I'LL BUY YOU A SWITCH WHEN WE GET BACK!

BOB: ...

ASHE: CAN YOU JUST HELP ME KILL JESSE?  
ASHE: I'LL LET YOU STAY AND PLAY FOR A LITTLE BIT IF YOU HELP ME!

BOB: ...

MCCREE: THANKS BOB

ASHE: WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?

BOB: ...

ZENYATTA: He just wants peace.

ASHE: I HEARD HIM THE FIRST TIME!

LUCIO: im sorry what the fuck?

D.VA: HOW?  
D.VA: I WAS RANKED TOP TEN IN THE WORLD AT THIS GAME!  
D.VA: HOW DID YOU BEAT ME?

BOB: ...

D.VA: ...hes staying

WINSTON: Hana...

D.VA: i dont care winston hes my new best friend

TRACER: tell that to orisa

LUCIO: yeah seriously the two of them have been tag teaming us for the past hour

GENJI: who the fuck is this good with rob?

ORISA: I am!

GENJI: hes a stupid robot

ORISA: WATCH YOUR TONE!

GENJI: ...im sorry

ASHE: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

MCCREE: ASHE I SWEAR TO GOD ILL SHOOT

ASHE: DO IT, PUSSY!  
ASHE: GUARANTEED I'LL HIT YOU FIRST!

MCCREE: FEELING FROGGY?  
MCCREE: WHY DONT YOU TAKE A LEAP  
MCCREE: I FUCKING DARE YOU

ASHE: ONE OF US IS DYING HERE, MCCREE!  
ASHE: AND IT SURE AS SHIT AIN'T GONNA BE ME!

MCCREE: WANNA BET?

WINSTON: BOTH OF YOU STOP THIS!

ASHE: GIVE ME A REASON!

MCCREE: _STEP RIGHT UP!_

WINSTON: _JESSE!_

ANA: _THIS WILL ONLY HURT FOR A MINUTE!_

MCCREE: _ANA NO_

_____________________

ASHE: WHERE THE FUCK AM I?

ANA: Back in the states  
ANA: Far away from jesse

ASHE: HOW?

ANA: I have sleep darts  
ANA: Pay attention

ASHE: HE WAS THIS CLOSE

MCCREE: STAY AWAY FROM ME

ASHE: ...WHERE THE FUCK IS BOB?

ORISA: He's still playing video games with us!

ASHE: BOB!  
ASHE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BOB: ...

ASHE: DON'T YOU DARE START GETTING SNARKY WITH ME!

BOB: ...

ASHE: IT WOULD BE OVER QUICKLY IF YOU'D JUST HELP ME!

BOB: ...

ASHE: DAMMIT!

MCCREE: DONT COME BACK UNTIL YOU LEARN TO PLAY NICE!

ASHE: I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY NICE!

GENJI: okay are u absolutely sure that u two didnt date?

LUCIO: yeah really i can feel the sexual tension through my phone screen

ASHE: NO!  
ASHE: SAY IT AGAIN!  
ASHE: SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

D.VA: does this mean that youre single?

SOMBRA: can you stop hitting on other people just to piss me off you little shit?

D.VA: <3

ASHE: THIS AIN'T OVER, JESSE!

MCCREE: IT IS FOR NOW

76: What the fuck even happened here?

ANA: Who knows?  
ANA: I just know that it was fucking hilarious

MERCY: Was this entire situation necessary?

D.VA: yeah i think so

MERCY: Well.

MCCREE: I DIDNT NEED ALL THIS STRESS TODAY

GENJI: hey u brought this upon urself

MCCREE: LIES

BOB: ...

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: at least you care

BOB: ...

MCCREE: alright then fuck you too

D.VA: lmao this was such a good idea

ASHE: I WILL GET YOU, JESSE!

MCCREE: BRING IT BITCH

LUCIO: lmao im gonna love this


	65. ashe vs mccree 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry for not posting last week! Take this chapter as a token of my apology!

MCCREE: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET BACK HERE SO QUICKLY?

ASHE: SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE TOTALLY FORGOTTEN WHO I AM!

MCCREE: I DONT NEED THIS AGAIN

ASHE: I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP, PARTNER!

ANA: _I SWEAR TO GOD_

ASHE: ...

MCCREE: ...

ASHE: ...

MCCREE: ...

BOB: ...

ASHE: SHUT UP, YOU MECHANICAL BUFFOON.

LUCIO: cool to see that ana can shut even the crazy cow lady up

ASHE: I JUST DON'T NEED TO BE PUT TO SLEEP AGAIN!  
ASHE: THE FIRST TIME WAS BAD ENOUGH!

ANA: U two are gonna have to learn to play nice if u dont want it to happen again

TRACER: oh no its marriage counseling all over again!

ASHE: WE!  
ASHE: NEVER!  
ASHE: DATED!

GENJI: u both sure argue like it tho

ASHE: I'LL KILL YOU!

GENJI: GOOD LUCK BITCH  
GENJI: IT DIDNT WORK THE FIRST TIME SO I DOUBT ITLL WORK THE SECOND

ASHE: DON'T TEST ME, ROBOCOP!

LUCIO: lmao

D.VA: are you sure you two never dated?

ASHE: YES!

D.VA: okay  
D.VA: but does that mean that you just dont like him or that you dont like men in general?

MCCREE: HANA

ASHE: JESSE'S A SNAKE!  
ASHE: I DON'T DATE SNAKES!

MCCREE: JORGE WAS LITERALLY AN ACTUAL SNAKE!

ASHE: AND HE WAS STILL BETTER THAN YOU!

MCCREE: YOU WOUND ME

ASHE: NEXT TIME, I'LL KILL YOU!

MCCREE: GOOD LUCK  
MCCREE: YOU COULDNT EVEN STOP ME FROM HIJACKING YOUR CARGO

ASHE: THAT'S CAUSE MY CREW IS A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT MORONS!

BOB: ...

ASHE: BESIDES YOU!  
ASHE: ALTHOUGH I'M DEFINITELY RETHINKING IT!

BOB: ...

LUCIO: yeah i still have no idea what hes saying

GENJI: same

D.VA: okay so jorge is definitely an ex boyfriend  
D.VA: but does that mean that youre totally straight or?

MCCREE: STOP SHAMELESSLY FLIRTING WITH MY FORMER BOSS

TRACER: hana you have a gf already!

D.VA: hey what can i say?  
D.VA: im a helpless romantic

GENJI: and how does sombra feel about that?

SOMBRA: meh

ANA: So ur totally okay with hana flirting with another woman?

SOMBRA: honestly it doesnt bother me  
SOMBRA: an extra set of hands can work wonders in the bedroom

LUCIO: LMFAO

76: Can we not?

ASHE: I'm not sleeping with you.

D.VA: awwwwwwwwwwww  
D.VA: can we at least talk about this?

ASHE: Talking ain't my strongest suit.  
ASHE: I'm more of a shoot first, ask questions later girl.

D.VA: well at least keep me in mind just in case

LUCIO: hana stop being thirsty

D.VA: HOW COME LENA CAN HAVE TWO GIRLFRIENDS AND I CANT?

MCCREE: lena got lost in the aether for like two years  
MCCREE: i think the universe decided that it owed her this one

TRACER: DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!

D.VA: thats not fair because she can already control time  
D.VA: when can i get a cool superpower?

TRACER: its really not a superpower

EMILY: Are you kidding?  
EMILY: You can last as long as you want in bed.  
EMILY: I wish I could do that.

76: STOP!

WIDOWMAKER: I'm sure Talon can condition you that way, Emily.  
WIDOWMAKER: I wouldn't recommend all the psychological trauma, however.

REAPER: **It wasn't that bad...**

WIDOWMAKER: Yes, it certainly was.

ASHE: What in tarnation are y'all talking about?

ANA: No one really knows  
ANA: Changing the topic is a common theme here

GENJI: what the hell is tarnation?

HANZO: Hick slang.

LUCIO: I JUST FUCKING SPIT WATER ALL OVER MY MONITOR

ASHE: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

HANZO: Doubt it, but good luck.

BOB: ...

ASHE: IT WASN'T FUNNY!  
ASHE: SHUT UP!

ZENYATTA: I agree, B.O.B.  
ZENYATTA: It's especially funny coming from Hanzo.  
ZENYATTA: He rarely jokes around.

MERCY: HOW DID SHE GET BACK HERE?

ASHE: I FLEW!  
ASHE: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I DID?  
ASHE: JUST TELEPORT THROUGH TIME AND END UP BACK HERE?  
ASHE: NAH SORRY!  
ASHE: I DON'T HAVE THAT LUXURY!

REINHARDT: Well, no one does besides Lena.

ASHE: SHUT UP!

GENJI: u yell a lot  
GENJI: more than im used to actually

MCCREE: you shouldve heard her during the heist in dallas

ASHE: JESSE, I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING HOLY!

MCCREE: WHAT ARE YOU GOING DO?  
MCCREE: YOU CANT TOUCH ME UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN!

ASHE: ...  
ASHE: I'LL STARE AT YOU QUITE THREATENINGLY!

REINHARDT: 

TRACER: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

LUCIO: I FUCKING LOVE REINHARDTS MEMES OMG

ANA: Ur the only one

REINHARDT: MY MEMES ARE THE GLUE THAT HOLD THIS TEAM TOGETHER!

ANA: Disagree.

76: Seconded.

ANA: Nvm im not getting caught agreeing with jack

76: Why are you the way that you are?

ASHE: STOP SENDING MEMES!  
ASHE: THIS IS SERIOUS!

LUCIO: debatable

MERCY: ASHE, I CAN TOLERATE YOUR PRESENCE ON BASE FOR NOW.  
MERCY: BUT IF YOU START SHOOTING, I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF!

ASHE: WITH THAT PEA SHOOTER?  
ASHE: I'VE SEEN TODDLERS CAUSE MORE DAMAGE TO SOMEONE!

MERCY: YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT WHEN I'M ON TOP OF YOU WITH A SCALPEL!

ASHE: IF YOU WANNA BE ON TOP, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK!

MERCY: ...  
MERCY: YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!

ASHE: SURE IT WASN'T!

76: Why must everything turn into an innuendo?

GENJI: thats what overwatch has become  
GENJI: dont like it?  
GENJI: leave

76: God, I wish I could.

MEI: What is going on here?

LUCIO: advanced fuckery

MEI: Don't you all have something better to do?

MCCREE: youd think but no  
MCCREE: its kinda boring here

MEI: So go play a game or something.

GENJI: cant  
GENJI: winston banned all games that arent hanas

MEI: Why?

MCCREE: idk maybe you should ask lena

TRACER: LISTEN  
TRACER: I DIDNT THINK I ACTUALLY NEEDED THE STRAP

GENJI: what the fuck do u think its there for?

TRACER: I DONT KNOW!

LUCIO: maybe if you used it torbjorn wouldnt have to be rebuilding the game room

TORBJORN: I'm still very bitter about this.  
TORBJORN: But I'll wait until after I'm done to get my revenge.

TRACER: TORB PLEASE  
TRACER: WE CANT HANDLE THIS AGAIN!

TORBJORN: You should've thought about that before you destroyed half this room.

TRACER: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

TORBJORN: _SO WERE YOU!_

GENJI: wow rip

LUCIO: weve heard that too many times  
LUCIO: get better material

TORBJORN: I know where you hide your laptop.  
TORBJORN: Do you want a repeat of last month?

LUCIO: STAY AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER  
LUCIO: YOURE LUCKY I HAD A BACKUP OF ALL MY SONGS OTHERWISE YOU WOULDVE DIED

TORBJORN: I can guarantee that I wouldn't have.

GENJI: HEY  
GENJI: I WAS PLAYING THAT

ASHE: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  
ASHE: I WANNA SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS ABOUT!

GENJI: I WAS IN THIRD PLACE

ASHE: AND NOW YOU'RE NOT!  
ASHE: ...  
ASHE: HOW THE FUCK DO I PLAY THIS?

BOB: ...

ASHE: WHICH BUTTON IS DRIVE?

BOB: ...

ASHE: LISTEN HERE YOU FUCKING VIBRATOR I JUST WANNA TAKE MY MIND OFF OF JESSE!

LUCIO: you want to take your mind off of jesse by playing with a vibrator?

GENJI: thats hot

ASHE: SHUT THE FUCK UP BOTH OF YOU!

D.VA: hey ashe  
D.VA: nice of you to join us  
D.VA: ;)

ASHE: Don't fucking wink at me, you shit.

D.VA: hey lets make a bet  
D.VA: if you win ill tell you where jesses hiding

MCCREE: HANA WHAT THE FUCK?

ASHE: Deal.

D.VA: but if i win you have to let me take you on a date

ANA: Ur really not gonna give up are u?

D.VA: SHES REALLY PRETTY OKAY?  
D.VA: IM JUST ASKING FOR A CHANCE

ASHE: ...  
ASHE: Okay.

D.VA: WAIT WHAT?  
D.VA: YOU ACTUALLY AGREED?

ASHE: Sure, why not?  
ASHE: Besides, I know that you won't beat me.

LUCIO: you literally just asked how to play two minutes ago

ASHE: But now I know.  
ASHE: And that's all that matters.

GENJI: hana won an international tournament for this game and u just think that u can waltz in here and beat her?

ASHE: That's what I'm implying, yes.

TRACER: well good luck then!

76: If anything breaks, you're all dead.

GENJI: too late  
GENJI: i already died  
GENJI: @HANZO

HANZO: Don't start this again.

GENJI: im just pushing ur buttons

HANZO: Stop it.

REINHARDT: Should I break out the taser?

WINSTON: Only for extreme circumstances.

REINHARDT: This has the potential to become an extreme circumstance.

ANA: Dont worry i have my sleep darts

ASHE: _I SWEAR TO GOD!_

ANA: _BEHAVE_

BOB: ...

ASHE: STOP SIDING WITH THEM DAMMIT!

MCCREE: ana bob said that if ashe gets out of line hell handle it

ANA: I like this thing already

BOB: ...

ZENYATTA: He's very thankful for that, Captain Amari.

GENJI: okay can we go already i wanna see what happens

LUCIO: same

D.VA: ILL TELL YOU WHATS GONNA HAPPEN  
D.VA: IM ABOUT TO WIN MYSELF A DATE WITH A PRETTY SOUTHERN LADY

ASHE: Don't be so cocky.

TRACER: this is gonna be good

_____________________________

D.VA: HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS?

ASHE: I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU, KID!

D.VA: YOU JUST LEARNED HOW TO PLAY FIVE MINUTES AGO  
D.VA: AND IM NOT A KID IM 19

ASHE: WHEN I WAS 19, I WAS ALREADY RUNNING GUNS ACROSS THE BORDER FOR THE GANG!  
ASHE: STEP YOUR GAME UP!

D.VA: WTF HOW DID YOU AVOID THAT SHELL?

ASHE: MAGIC!

GENJI: this is the greatest thing ive ever seen

MCCREE: fuck im missing it

LUCIO: i got you cuh  
LUCIO: im live streaming it to your holopad

MCCREE: my man  
MCCREE: much appreciated

D.VA: THIS MAKES NO SENSE  
D.VA: WHY ARE YOU WINNING?

ASHE: CAUSE I'M A DAMN FINE PLAYER!

D.VA: BABE HELP ME OUT HERE

SOMBRA: well if you insist  
SOMBRA: *boop*

______________________________

LUCIO: oh shit

D.VA: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK?

SOMBRA: IM SORRY WHAT?  
SOMBRA: HOW DID YOU EVEN?

GENJI: the game was hacked  
GENJI: how?

ASHE: I PLAY TO WIN!  
ASHE: WHERE'S JESSE?

D.VA: OH COME ON I JUST WANT TO TAKE YOU OUT TO A NICE RESTAURANT SO I COULD LEARN A LITTLE MORE ABOUT YOU AND MAYBE HAVE YOU RIDE MY FACE AFTERWARDS WHY CANT I BE GIVEN THAT?

MEI: Not private messaging.

GENJI: seriously u have a hot hacker girlfriend why r u being so thirsty?

D.VA: I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!

ASHE: WHERE IS JESSE?

D.VA: FDKJLVGDESKHGBHFVNDSBGJADSJG  
D.VA: HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE MAIL ROOM

MCCREE: HANA NO!

ASHE: I'M TAKING YOU DOWN!

MCCREE: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

ASHE: _YOU'RE MINCE MEAT!_

MCCREE: FUCK!

__________________

ASHE: I'M GETTING THROUGH THIS, JESSE!

MCCREE: DONT BET ON IT  
MCCREE: I WELDED THE DOOR SHUT

TORBJORN: SO THAT'S WHERE MY BLOWTORCH WENT?

MCCREE: LOOK TORB IT WAS FOR A GOOD REASON

TORBJORN: _SAVE SOME FOR ME, COWGIRL!_  
TORBJORN: _I'M KILLING HIM NEXT!_

ASHE: NO PROMISES!

WINSTON: _STOP IT!_

MEI: ...  
MEI: What was that?

ASHE: I HAVE THIRTY MORE BUNDLES OF DYNAMITE WHERE THAT CAME FROM, JESSE!

MCCREE: THATS CHEATING

WINSTON: _REINHARDT..._  
WINSTON: _THIS IS AN EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCE!_

REINHARDT: _**SWIGGITY SWOOTY!**_  
REINHARDT: _**ALL Y'ALL BETTER GIVE ME THAT BOOTY!**_

76: WHY DO YOU ALL EXIST?

______________________

GENJI: that was probably the most entertaining thing ive ever seen in my life

LUCIO: I CANT STOP LAUGHING

TRACER: ME EITHER LUCIO!  
TRACER: I THINK MY LUNGS ARE BURSTING!

MERCY: _I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THIS!_

ASHE: THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT!

MCCREE: AND THROWING DYNAMITE WASNT?

ASHE: YOU PUNCHED ME!

MCCREE: THAT WAS NOTHING  
MCCREE: YOUR LUCKY THAT BOB BROKE IT UP

ASHE: I GOT TASED!  
ASHE: YOU GOT OFF EASY!

MCCREE: SAY THAT TO MY MISSING ARM!

ASHE: YOU'RE LUCKY I DIDN'T BLOW THE OTHER ONE OFF!

MEI: Why does this happen all the time?

MCCREE: WE WOULDVE BEEN FINE IF HANA JUST SHUT HER DAMN MOUTH

D.VA: IM DEPRESSED LEAVE ME ALONE

ANA: Are u more depressed cause u lost or cause ashe wont fuck u?

D.VA: I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE IM JUST DEPRESSED

HANZO: Where the hell did you find a taser?

REINHARDT: Internet...

76: Was it worth it?

REINHARDT: IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY!

BOB: ...

MCCREE: FUCK YOU

ASHE: WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU EVEN ON?

BOB: ...

ASHE: I HAVE HALF A MIND TO LEAVE YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS HERE!

BOB: ...

ASHE: LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

MERCY: IF THE TWO OF YOU DON'T STOP, I WILL PERSONALLY REMOVE ALL OF YOUR LIMBS AS PAINFULLY AS POSSIBLE!

ASHE: ...

MCCREE: ...

MERCY: GLAD TO HEAR IT!

76: I don't want to be here anymore.

LUCIO: i on the other hand love every fucking part of this organization

GENJI: same

MCCREE: ITS ASHES FAULT

ASHE: LIKE HELL IT IS!

TRACER: i think this is the start of a beautiful friendship

MEI: Are we reading the same chat?

ANA: Who knows anymore?  
ANA: This chat is one big shitposting machine at this point

REINHARDT: Just the way I like it.


	66. this is why card games are banned on base

**12-23-20XX**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[LIAO] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

GENJI: jack u left ur rifle in the common room

MORRISON: Fucking.  
MORRISON: I've been looking everywhere for that.

MCCREE: better come grab it before liao gets any ideas

MORRISON: LIAO!

LIAO: I JUST WANT TO SEE THE ROCKETS

MORRISON: _DON'T TOUCH!_

GENJI: better hurry  
GENJI: were playing virtual uno  
GENJI: i cant be held responsible for what happens if that rifle isnt taken out

MORRISON: I could've sworn that Winston banned Uno.

MCCREE: not virtual uno

MORRISON: It's literally the same thing.

LIAO: not true

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

ANA: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF U PUT DOWN ANOTHER DRAW FOUR ILL SHOOT UR EYES OUT

REINHARDT: GO FOR IT!  
REINHARDT: ONE OF THEM IS ALREADY MISSING!

MORRISON: This is exactly why Winston banned it.

MCCREE: hey were being totally civil

MORRISON: Threatening to shoot someone's eyes out is anything but civil.

LIAO: idk  
LIAO: its pretty tame compared to what else has been said

GENJI: UNO

MCCREE: FUCK

LIAO: SON OF A BITCH

ANA: I WONT LET IT END THIS WAY

GENJI: GOOD LUCK  
GENJI: IM THE BEST

REINHARDT: WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!

GENJI: _U FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER_

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

TRACER: LET THE GAME CONTINUE

GENJI: _**I WAS ABOUT TO WIN**_

ANA: NOT ANYMORE

GENJI: WEVE BEEN PLAYING FOR NINE HOURS PLEASE JUST LET IT END ALREADY

REINHARDT: _THIS GAME WILL NOT END UNTIL I AM STANDING VICTORIOUS!_

MORRISON: How many fucking people on this base are playing with you?

MCCREE: basically everyone not you reyes or winston

MORRISON: I don't believe that you managed to convince Mirembe and Lacroix to play.

LIAO: mirembe quit like six hours ago  
LIAO: gerards totally still going strong tho and i respect it

**[GERARD LACROIX] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

LACROIX: Thank you, Liao.  
LACROIX: And also...  
LACROIX: é

LIAO: NOT THE TIME

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[MIREMBE] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[KIMIKO] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

MERCY: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

KIMIKO: I'M NOT LETTING YOU WIN, ANGELA!

MERCY: PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP ALREADY!

MCCREE: you can always quit like mirembe did

MIREMBE: I should've known that allowing myself to get wrapped up in this was a mistake.

LIAO: your loss

MIREMBE: I don't regret my decision.

REINHARDT: UNO!

MCCREE: SHIT

GENJI: NO

LIAO: FUCKING TITS IM OUT OF DRAW 4 CARDS

TRACER: I HAVE ANOTHER ONE!

KIMIKO: DO IT, LENA!  
KIMIKO: BE THE HERO THAT OVERWATCH NEEDS!

REINHARDT: GOOD LUCK!  
REINHARDT: I GO BEFORE LENA DOES!

GENJI: NOT SO FAST BITCH TITS  
GENJI: REVERSE

REINHARDT: _NO!_

TRACER: i change it to blue  
TRACER: ALSO DRAW 4 REINHARDT

REINHARDT: _I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS BETRAYAL!_

MERCY: TEN HOURS!

ANA: SOMEONE END ME ALREADY

MORRISON: You idiots have been playing for ten hours?

MCCREE: pretty much

MORRISON: Is that why none of you showed up to the meeting last night?

GENJI: possibly

MORRISON: Goddammit.

LIAO: DRAW 2 ANA

ANA: I HAVE MY KNIFE ON ME AND WILL USE IT TO SLOWLY REMOVE UR GUTS

LIAO: ...  
LIAO: ILL JUST DROP THIS SIX HERE

ANA: SMART

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [WATER IS JUST BONELESS ICE]**

WINSTON: What is going on down there?

GENJI: WERE BONDING

REYES: I don't remember bonding with my squadmates by yelling obscenities at them every five seconds.

MORRISON: I'm surprised you remember anything from the Army.  
MORRISON: Sergeant Peters really wailed on you with that baton.

REYES: BOONE TRIPPED ME!

MORRISON: I know.  
MORRISON: But I wasn't going to say anything.  
MORRISON: But those were the Sergeant's favorite pair of combat boots.

REYES: STOP REMINDING ME!

MCCREE: FUCKING UNO

GENJI: THIS ISNT HAPPENING TO ME

TRACER: JESSE NO

REINHARDT: IT CAN'T END THIS WAY!

WINSTON: I said that Uno was _banned_!

ANA: ITS VIRTUAL UNO

WINSTON: THAT'S THE SAME THING!

KIMIKO: BEG TO DIFFER

WINSTON: WHY DO NONE OF YOU LISTEN?

GENJI: WE JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN EVERY NOW AND THEN

WINSTON: IT'S NOT FUN TO MAIM EACH OTHER!

ANA: U SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME

KIMIKO: I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO STOP HIM!

REINHARDT: NEITHER DO I!

MCCREE: FACE IT  
MCCREE: THIS MATCH IS SET

GENJI: NO ITS NOT  
GENJI: IM WILLING MY DRAW FOUR CARD TO GERARD

MCCREE: THATS CHEATING

GENJI: FILE A COMPLAINT WITH HASBRO

ANA: THIS GAME WAS MADE BY MATTEL U IGNORANT FUCK

GENJI: _FELLATE ME_

LACROIX: Draw Four.

MCCREE: FUCKING  
MCCREE: MOTHER  
MCCREE: OF  
MCCREE: EVERYONES MOTHERS

TRACER: NO JESSE ITS JUST A GAME

MCCREE: _**STEP RIGHT UP**_

WINSTON: _JESSE!_

________________________

LIAO: my face hurts

GENJI: my everything hurts

MORRISON: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WINSTON BANNED THE FUCKING GAME IN THE FIRST PLACE!

KIMIKO: WE WERE HAVING FUN!

MERCY: NO WE WEREN'T!  
MERCY: I STOPPED HAVING FUN ABOUT NINE HOURS AGO!

LIAO: PUSSY

WINSTON: _What am I going to do with all of you?_

TRACER: i dont think theres anything you can do at this point

MCCREE: THIS GAME  
MCCREE: IS OVER

LACROIX: Was that necessary?

MCCREE: YES

REINHARDT: I WAS ABOUT TO WIN!

KIMIKO: NO YOU WEREN'T!

ANA: I HAD TWO CARDS LEFT

MIREMBE: This is exactly why I left the game early.

GENJI: IM QUITTING THIS TEAM

ANA: GOOD  
ANA: WE DONT WANT U ANYWAY

LACROIX: It's just a game...

TRACER: YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

REYES: Why did we have to recruit the kids?  
REYES: Everything ran so much smoother before they got here.

MCCREE: rude

WINSTON: That's it.  
WINSTON: I've had enough.  
WINSTON: Everyone involved in that debacle will be on cleaning duty for the next week.  
WINSTON: With the exception of Gérard and Angela.

GENJI: UMMM WTF WHY?  
GENJI: THEYRE JUST AS GUILTY AS THE REST OF US

WINSTON: Because Angela's our only capable doctor and we need her in the Medical Wing.  
WINSTON: And because Gérard is much too timid to involve himself in this so I imagine he was blackmailed to join the game.

MCCREE: damn youre good

LACROIX: Blackmailing is a criminal offense that can carry a sentence of up to two years in prison.

MCCREE: thats now the 43rd illegal thing ive done in my life

LIAO: haha im at 51

MORRISON: This is not a contest.

GENJI: everything is a contest here

WINSTON: Gérard, Angela, you're both free to go.

MERCY: Much appreciated.

WINSTON: The rest of you will start by cleaning up the mess in the storage room.

GENJI: this is cruel and unusual punishment

WINSTON: File a complaint.

ANA: Dont tempt me harambe  
ANA: The un is only a call away

WINSTON: _For the last time, stop calling me Harambe!_

ANA: Haha no

WINSTON: Get to work.

ANA: Nah i dont really feel like it

WINSTON: **NOW!**

ANA: Try asking again later

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Ana...

ANA: I dont want to  
ANA: What are u gonna do?

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: Jesse...  
WINSTON: For one time only.  
WINSTON: If you can provide sufficient blackmail for Ana, you will also be let off the hook.

ANA: WAIT THATS NOT FAIR

MCCREE: on it  
MCCREE: you want her diary entries from when she was a teenager or the pictures from the halloween party a few years ago?

ANA: JESSE  
ANA: I WILL FUCKING KILL U

WINSTON: Whichever makes her work quicker.

MCCREE: halloween photos it is

ANA: NO STOP  
ANA: PLEASE  
ANA: IM DOING IT

WINSTON: Thank you for your cooperation.

KIMIKO: Hey Jesse, where the fuck do you find these things?

MCCREE: its just a skill of mine  
MCCREE: and a lot of you really dont do a good job locking your deepest darkest secrets up

GENJI: do u just have dirt on everyone?

MCCREE: basically  
MCCREE: you all have some pretty funny things to be ashamed of

MERCY: What the hell do you even have on me?

MCCREE: dubai

MERCY: !!!!!  
MERCY: HOW?  
MERCY: YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE!

MCCREE: like i said  
MCCREE: special skill

LIAO: wait whats dubai?

REINHARDT: The largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates and also one of the richest cities in the World.

LIAO: fuck you

KIMIKO: Wait, I wanna know too.  
KIMIKO: What happened in Dubai?

JESSE: funny you should ask

MERCY: JESSE!  
MERCY: YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE THE NIGHT IF YOU TELL ANYONE!

TRACER: well now he has to tell us

GENJI: yeah do u want us to be less informed than others?

MERCY: YES!

WINSTON: Jesse, don't.

MCCREE: okay fine  
MCCREE: ill listen just this once

WINSTON: You don't understand how much I appreciate that.

GENJI: awww thats no fun

REINHARDT: Do I have to help clean or can I just go?

WINSTON: Help.

REINHARDT: FINE!

MCCREE: welp have fun suckers  
MCCREE: im gonna go play some mortal kombat and ruin some poor souls day

LIAO: youre a terrible fucking human being

MCCREE: old news

_______________________

KIMIKO: Well, that was hell.

GENJI: ive been to hell its a lot nicer than this place

ANA: FUCK EVERYTHING

WINSTON: Isn't it better to be productive instead of destructive?

ANA: FUCK U

REINHARDT: Ana's still upset because she fell over into a box of legos.

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
TRACER: HOW DID I MISS THAT?

LIAO: it happened around the same time that you got your head stuck in the chair

TRACER: oh...

REYES: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?

LIAO: so much

MCCREE: i lost...

GENJI: good

REYES: You're not even good at Mortal Kombat.  
REYES: Stop pretending that you are.

MCCREE: but i was trash talking so hard

KIMIKO: Talk shit, get hit.

GENJI: lol

MIREMBE: I truly don't understand how we manage to actually get things done sometimes.

LIAO: hey we can be competent when we try

WINSTON: Why don't you try more often then?

LIAO: it takes too much energy

LACROIX: It takes a lot less energy than running around and attaching googly eyes to everything on base.

LIAO: that was one time

LACROIX: Six times, actually.

LIAO: OKAY FINE  
LIAO: BUT IT WAS FUNNY

GENJI: it was pretty funny  
GENJI: i remember when jack screamed at the lamp

MORRISON: I WASN'T READY FOR THAT, OKAY?

MCCREE: good thing i got it on camera  
MCCREE: thatll get me out of a few punishments

MORRISON: I hate you.

MCCREE: i also hate me  
MCCREE: more than you do i bet

KIMIKO: I don't know why you're upset about that.  
KIMIKO: Gabe practically cuddled up with you for the rest of the night.

LIAO: ha gay

GENJI: yeah seriously

MORRISON: Look, I'm not gay.  
MORRISON: I'm just attracted to men.

GENJI: boi wut?

LIAO: its the same exact fucking thing

REINHARDT: 

TRACER: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ANA: GODDAMMIT

MCCREE: hey remember when this chat was used for serious reasons?

TRACER: nope

LIAO: not at all

LACROIX: I really can't say I do.

WINSTON: I don't know what I was thinking back then.

KIMIKO: Come on, lighten up.  
KIMIKO: The chat's so much better this way.

WINSTON: I disagree but okay.

MIREMBE: Don't you all ever get tired of messing around?

MCCREE: nope

LIAO: if it wasnt for us overwatch would be a boring ass place

MERCY: It'd probably also be more organized and professional.

GENJI: yeah see boring

TRACER: one day this chat will used properly again

MCCREE: one day

REINHARDT: But not one day soon.


	67. the meme war that could defeat thanos even with the infinity gauntlet

REINHARDT: How many times must we go through this?

ANA: At this rate?  
ANA: Prob like another ten times in the next hour

WINSTON: I ASKED YOU TWO TO STOP!

ASHE: HE STARTED IT

MCCREE: AND ILL FINISH IT TOO

GENJI: come on its getting old now

LUCIO: yeah make out already

ASHE: WE!  
ASHE: NEVER!  
ASHE: DATED!

DOOMFIST: What on earth did I miss?

SOMBRA: fuckery  
SOMBRA: and then jesse meeting his ex

MCCREE: SHES NOT MY EX

PHARAH: Could've fooled me with the way you two have been acting all day.

ASHE: HE CAN'T HANDLE A WOMAN LIKE ME!

MCCREE: I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I LIKE FLIES!  
MCCREE: OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE BECAUSE THEY BOTH ANNOY ME

ASHE: I'LL FUCK YOU UP, JESSE MCCREE I SWEAR TO GOD!

TORBJORN: _**ENOUGH!**_

MCCREE: ...

ASHE: ...

LUCIO: ...

GENJI: ...

REINHARDT: ...This just got very dangerous.

TORBJORN: I don't know what the fuck is going on between you two.  
TORBJORN: And quite frankly, I don't really care.  
TORBJORN: But if I hear one more explosion, gunshot, flashbang, or mention of McCree's non-existent parents, I will personally see that both of you suffer greatly.  
TORBJORN: _Are we clear?_

ASHE: ...Crystal.

MCCREE: fine

TORBJORN: Glad to hear it.  
TORBJORN: Don't let this happen again.

ASHE: ...Should I be scared?

REINHARDT: Very.

ANA: Just stop causing problems and i can promise that u wont die horribly

ASHE: Who even is this guy?  
ASHE: I haven't seen his name before.

TRACER: thats torbjorn

ASHE: Well thank God you told me that.  
ASHE: I never woulda figured that out on my own.

LUCIO: is this sarcasm?

ASHE: Obviously.

TRACER: rude!

ASHE: I can fucking read.  
ASHE: I'm not asking for his name.

GENJI: just do what he tells u  
GENJI: trust me  
GENJI: he can be very  
GENJI: persuasive

ASHE: I guess I don't have a choice.

PHARAH: You learn quickly.

ASHE: How do you think I've survived this long?

LUCIO: luck?

ASHE: That's part of it.

ANA: Are u going to play nice now?

ASHE: Tell Jesse to stay out of my way.

MCCREE: um this is my base  
MCCREE: go back to new mexico

ASHE: Nah, I like it here.  
ASHE: Think I'll stay.

BOB: ...

ASHE: FUCK BOBBY AND JIM!  
ASHE: I'M RETIRING FROM DEADLOCK!  
ASHE: LET ONE OF THOSE FUCKWITS HANDLE IT!

BOB: ...

ASHE: That was implied, yes.

BOB: ...

ASHE: IF YOU KEEP TALKING SHIT, I'LL SHIP YOU BACK THERE TONIGHT!

ZENYATTA: Come now, that's not needed.

BOB: ...

ASHE: SHUT UP!

MERCY: I'M NOT STITCHING YOU UP ANYMORE!

ASHE: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!  
ASHE: I CAN STITCH MYSELF UP!

MERCY: GO FOR IT!  
MERCY: I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW TO TREAT SEPSIS!

ASHE: FUCK YOU!

TORBJORN: ...

ASHE: Fucking.  
ASHE: I don't even know who you are.  
ASHE: Why am I letting myself get intimidated by the likes of you?

TORBJORN: Because you know better.

ANA: Why did we even need to fight during the omnic crisis?  
ANA: We shouldve just had torb intimidate the omnics

REINHARDT: We tried.  
REINHARDT: He got shot at least twelve times.

TORBJORN: It would've been less if someone shielded me.

REINHARDT: LISTEN!  
REINHARDT: I HAD TWO OTHER PEOPLE AND A PAYLOAD TO PROTECT!  
REINHARDT: THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!

TORBJORN: 

REINHARDT: 

76: Uh oh.

MCCREE: PLEASE DONT DO THIS AGAIN

LUCIO: whats happening?

ANA: We have seen this only one other time  
ANA: And the fact that anyone survived is nothing short of a miracle

D.VA: are  
D.VA: are they having a meme war against each other?

MERCY: REINHARDT, TORBJORN!  
MERCY: PLEASE THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

GENJI: its over angela  
GENJI: everyone find a place to hide  
GENJI: this isnt going to end well

BRIGITTE: PAPA PLEASE!  
BRIGITTE: I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES OF THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED!

DOOMFIST: ...Should I be concerned?

MCCREE: very

ANA: Theres a very good chance that someone will be found dead tomorrow

TORBJORN: 

REINHARDT: 

MCCREE: GUYS  
MCCREE: PLEASE DONT DO THIS TO US

76: SOMBRA, PLEASE STOP THEM!

SOMBRA: no way  
SOMBRA: ive tried hacking torb before  
SOMBRA: somehow he counterhacked me and all of the sudden half the planet had access to my nudes

LUCIO: ...what?

GENJI: wait where are these nudes and why havent i seen them?

D.VA: stop perving on my girlfriend you freak

GENJI: says the girl whos hitting on a gang leader

D.VA: THATS DIFFERENT  
D.VA: IM JUST ASKING FOR ONE NIGHT

ASHE: Stop.

D.VA: ILL CHANGE YOUR MIND EVENTUALLY  
D.VA: MARK MY WORDS

TORBJORN: 

REINHARDT: 

76: THIS IS NOT GETTING BETTER!

MCCREE: its not going to  
MCCREE: better keep your mouth shut jack or else theyll just turn on you instead

TORBJORN: 

REINHARDT: 

DOOMFIST: Should I laugh or be afraid?

GENJI: i didnt even think you knew how to laugh

DOOMFIST: I do.  
DOOMFIST: Under extreme circumstances.

MOIRA: I have literally never seen you laugh at all.

DOOMFIST: That's mostly because you're not funny.

MOIRA: RUDE!

TORBJORN: 

REINHARDT: 

MCCREE: GUYS...

DOOMFIST: How exactly is this going to end?

MERCY: Brutally.  
MERCY: With at least three casualties.

DOOMFIST: You say this like you've seen it before.

MERCY: I have.

TRACER: we will never forget you steven

GENJI: he spelled his name with a ph

TRACER: phteven

GENJI: no...

LUCIO: HAHAHAHAHA

PHARAH: Are we seriously just sitting here pretending that Reinhardt and Torbjorn aren't about to destroy everything we hold near and dear?

MCCREE: they cant see you if you dont move

MERCY: That theory was disproven years ago.

MCCREE: hush

TORBJORN: Reinhardt's just mad because he can't keep up with me.

REINHARDT: HOW DARE YOU!  
REINHARDT: THIS SLIGHT ON MY HONOR WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!  
REINHARDT: I WILL DESTROY YOU!

TORBJORN: 

REINHARDT: THAT'S IT!

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYS GANGNAM STYLE GETS A BUSTED KNEECAP]**

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYS GANGNAM STYLE GETS A BUSTED KNEECAP]**

LUCIO: I AM LITERALLY IN TEARS LAUGHING RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCKING SHIT

76: We need to do something.

MCCREE: not happening  
MCCREE: i dont need to get in the middle of that again

D.VA: again?

MCCREE: i dont wanna talk about it

ASHE: Why?  
ASHE: Did you let them rot in the can too?

MCCREE: NOT THE FUCKING TIME

ASHE: EAT ME!

MCCREE: NO

D.VA: i volunteer as tribute

MCCREE: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU HORNY BRAT

D.VA: SHELL CAVE EVENTUALLY

MCCREE: DONT FUCKING COUNT ON IT

_____________________________

WINSTON: Surprisingly, nothing seems to be broken.

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYS GANGNAM STYLE GETS A BUSTED KNEECAP]**

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYS GANGNAM STYLE GETS A BUSTED KNEECAP]**

TORBJORN: We resolved our differences.

REINHARDT: Indeed.

BRIGITTE: Wait, so why did I hear screaming?

REINHARDT: Ah yes, that.

TORBJORN: We decided to channel our anger into something productive.

MERCY: Which was?

REINHARDT: I kept earth shattering Genji while Torbjorn built turrets around him.

LUCIO: DEAD

76: ...Why?

TORBJORN: He irks me.

REINHARDT: Me as well.

GENJI: I HATE MY LIFE

TRACER: rip

MCCREE: at least nothings broken

BRIGITTE: Nothing except Genji's pride.

HANZO: That happened long ago.  
HANZO: I think the final fracture was when a girl turned him down for prom in front of the whole school.

GENJI: U PROMISED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN

HANZO: Things change.

GENJI: I HATE U

HANZO: I reciprocate the feeling.

WINSTON: Did you two break anything other than Genji's spirit?

REINHARDT: No.

WINSTON: Very well.  
WINSTON: Considering the possibilities, this was as good a result that I could've hoped for.

TORBJORN: Glad to be of service.  
TORBJORN: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYS GANGNAM STYLE GETS A BUSTED KNEECAP]**

SOMBRA: hey brigitte your dad is mad scary

BRIGITTE: Trust me, I know.

GENJI: I DIDNT DESERVE THIS

MERCY: You kind of did.

GENJI: I HATE EVERYTHING

HANZO: Everything hates you as well.

GENJI: FUCKING DIE

HANZO: You already beat me to it.

GENJI: ...

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYS GANGNAM STYLE GETS A BUSTED KNEECAP]**

D.VA: i fucking love this team so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, every meme in this chapter is brought directly from my phone. It's also verbatim an exact war that I had with my friend, although ours went on for much longer.


	68. let it snow

MCCREE: how did this happen?

D.VA: well i only know one person who has the technology to make this happen

MEI: _WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?_

JUNKRAT: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT  
JUNKRAT: GENJI TOLD ME IT WAS A MICROWAVE

GENJI: I WAS KIDDING

ROADHOG: he cant tell the difference  
ROADHOG: the radiation in the outback really messed up his head

JUNKRAT: LEAVE ME ALONE

76: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SNOW FALLING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW?

JUNKRAT: I SAID I WAS SORRY

WINSTON: _HOW?_

JUNKRAT: I TOUCHED A THING

MEI: THE LAB IS OFF LIMITS!  
MEI: THE DOOR WAS LOCKED!  
MEI: HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN?

JUNKRAT: IM A LUNATIC WITH THIRTY TONS OF EXPLOSIVES AND YOU THINK THAT A DOOR IS GOING TO STOP ME?

MERCY: What exactly is going on here?

LUCIO: have you looked out any window on base in the last half hour?

MERCY: No.

MCCREE: wtf the med wing has like nine windows how have you not seen anything?

MERCY: I was...busy.

GENJI: busy with what?  
GENJI: ...oh wait

TRACER: cmon genji you should know better by now!

GENJI: ITS BEEN A LONG NIGHT OKAY?

PHARAH: Wait, why is it snowing?

D.VA: do any of you actually know how to read or are you all just being intentionally dense?

GENJI: a little of both

ANA: Okay back the fuck up for a second  
ANA: How did this happen?

MEI: ASK THE RAT!

JUNKRAT: I CONSIDER THAT TERM OFFENSIVE

MCCREE: its literally in your name

JUNKRAT: THAT DOESNT MEAN I LIKE BEING CALLED THAT

REINHARDT: Can we focus for ten seconds just so I can learn why it's snowing out?

JUNKRAT: ITS GENJIS FAULT

GENJI: I DIDNT MAKE U PRESS THE BUTTON  
GENJI: U DID THAT ON UR OWN

JUNKRAT: YOU SAID IT WAS A MICROWAVE

GENJI: AND UR AN IDIOT FOR ACTUALLY BELIEVING ME

REINHARDT: _Focus._

LUCIO: the basic gist is that junkrat wanted a hot pocket and couldnt find the microwave so genji told him that it was in the lab

MERCY: When have you ever seen someone cook something in the lab?

JUNKRAT: I HAVE PROBLEMS OKAY?

MERCY: Clearly.

LUCIO: yeah so junkrat just started messing with stuff and i think one of the things he turned on was a snow maker and he didnt know how to turn it off so he threw it out the window and now were basically snowed it

76: IT IS THE MIDDLE OF JULY!

TRACER: not that you could tell by looking outside

76: I WAS ABOUT TO GO FOR MY RUN!

MCCREE: so?  
MCCREE: if anything the snow just helps your endurance

SOMBRA: !!!!  
SOMBRA: AKANDE!  
SOMBRA: THERES SNOW AT THE WATCHPOINT!

DOOMFIST: Why are you assuming that I care?

SOMBRA: DIDNT YOU ALWAYS MENTION THAT YOU WANTED TO SEE SNOW?

DOOMFIST: Nope.

SOMBRA: really?  
SOMBRA: someone definitely mentioned that to me

MOIRA: I did!

GENJI: dude what?

LUCIO: doesnt it snow in ireland?

MOIRA: Not often.

D.VA: really?

MOIRA: Unfortunately.  
MOIRA: I want to go see it.

SOMBRA: go with her akande

DOOMFIST: I'm not her babysitter, but thanks.

MOIRA: I'm a grown woman, you know.  
MOIRA: I'm more than capable of going out by myself.

SOMBRA: grown women dont sleep with nightlights

MOIRA: YOU PROMISED NEVER TO TELL ANYONE!

SOMBRA: i promise a lot of things

DOOMFIST: You do still owe me twenty dollars.

SOMBRA: NO!  
SOMBRA: YOU DEFINITELY CHEATED!

DOOMFIST: If you don't know how to play poker, don't make bets.

LUCIO: i mean you can try and come see it  
LUCIO: idk how youre gonna get in because the snows already up to my window and im on the second floor

MCCREE: yeah this is getting really bad

ASHE: What the fuck happened here?

ANA: Its fucking snowing like christ can u not read?

ASHE: Don't start.  
ASHE: BOB and I have been in the common room all day.

LUCIO: still getting your ass kicked in goldeneye?

ASHE: I'M GOING TO BEAT HIM!  
ASHE: JUST YOU WAIT!

BOB: ...

ASHE: SHUT UP!

TRACER: yeah can someone stop this please?  
TRACER: i like snow and all but i like being able to use the track more

MEI: Can't you see I'm trying?

D.VA: doesnt look like it  
D.VA: it just keeps getting higher

MEI: _I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT CRETIN DID TO THIS!_

JUNKRAT: HEY WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CRETIN?

MEI: _IS IT NOT OBVIOUS?_

MOIRA: I still want to go see the snow.

SOMBRA: gabe go take moira to the watchpoint

REAPER: **No.**

SOMBRA: come on i dont trust her to make it on her own

MOIRA: I'm fully capable of walking there.

SOMBRA: tell that to the park rangers who had to come find you after you got lost in the woods

MOIRA: THAT WAS ONE TIME!

SOMBRA: AND THATS ONE MORE TIME THAN ANYONE ELSE

REAPER: **How did you even manage this?**

MEI: IF I KNEW, I'D BE ABLE TO TURN IT OFF!

LUCIO: idk how youre gonna get in moira  
LUCIO: maybe theres like a hatch on the roof i can open or something

MCCREE: nope the snows already higher than the roof

LUCIO: what the fuck?

ROADHOG: if anyone needs me ill be in the kitchen stockpiling my rations

WINSTON: Those are for everyone.

ROADHOG: sorry winston but ive seen this happen before  
ROADHOG: its every man for himself now

D.VA: DONT TOUCH MY CRACKERS!

ROADHOG: if its in the pantry its fair game

D.VA: I SWEAR TO GOD

REINHARDT: The mass hysteria is already setting in.

REAPER: **The fact that we keep losing to you is astounding to me.**

LUCIO: its cause you suck

REAPER: **We don't suck.**

SOMBRA: talon doesnt suck  
SOMBRA: but you def suck

ANA: Yeah why do u think jack loves him so much?

76: Why must you do this?

ANA: Its my job as second in command

76: You don't hold that title anymore.

ANA: Doesnt matter

MCCREE: GUYS  
MCCREE: ITS STILL FALLING

MEI: I KNOW!  
MEI: I'M TRYING HERE!

REINHARDT: I think the heater just broke as well.

LUCIO: welp were all fucking dead

PHARAH: I didn't even notice the heat went off.

GENJI: how?

PHARAH: It was nice and steamy in the medical wing ;-)

LUCIO: gay

MERCY: You're just jealous.

LUCIO: yeah i dont wanna freeze to death

D.VA: guess its time to start cuddling up to preserve body heat  
D.VA: since my girlfriends not here  
D.VA: @ASHE wanna cuddle?

ASHE: Why have you not given up yet?

D.VA: im too stubborn for my own good

ASHE: So was Jesse.  
ASHE: Saw how that worked out for him huh?

MCCREE: i just came to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

ASHE: Good.

GENJI: SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP

MEI: I'M WORKING ON IT!

JUNKRAT: HEY I HAVE AN IDEA

MEI: _NO MORE OF YOUR STUPID IDEAS!_

JUNKRAT: FIRE IN THE HOLE!

MEI: _**JUNKRAT NO!**_

__________________________

REINHARDT: Is it over?

WINSTON: Why are you all the way that you are?

JUNKRAT: I CANT FEEL MY LEG

GENJI: THATS CAUSE ITS GONE

JUNKRAT: WHERE DID IT GO?

MCCREE: mei froze it and it crumbled to pieces

TRACER: guys i think i lost lucio

ANA: This is why i hunkered down in the basement with roadhog

ROADHOG: theres no windows down here

76: THERE'S SNOW ALL OVER MY ROOM!

GENJI: ITS IN MINE TOO JACK UR NOT SPECIAL

MERCY: WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS???????

MEI: _IT WAS JUNKRAT!_

JUNKRAT: ALL I DID WAS TRY AND DESTROY IT

MEI: AND IN THE PROCESS, NOT ONLY DID YOU MISS, YOU SHATTERED ALL THE WINDOWS ON THE SECOND FLOOR!

ZARYA: _**WHAT IS GOING ON?**_

76: NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS ANYMORE!

MCCREE: has anyone seen my hat?

TRACER: its prob buried in the thirty feet of snow that just leaked in through all the windows

MCCREE: i am nothing without my hat

ASHE: You're nothing in general.

MCCREE: fuck you

MEI: Zarya, I need your help.

ZARYA: With what?

MEI: I managed to stop the machine that made the snow, but now we need to get rid of all the excess snow left over.

ZARYA: ...  
ZARYA: Are you saying what I think you are saying?

MEI: I am.

ZARYA: You make me very happy.

MEI: I try.  
MEI: <3

76: ...What's that sound?

SOMBRA: uh  
SOMBRA: i would run

TRACER: but i cant find lucio!  
TRACER: i think the snow ate him!

GENJI: hell be fine hes been through worse

WINSTON: ZARYA!  
WINSTON: STOP!

ZARYA: _**Огонь по готовности!**_

_____________________

REINHARDT: Well...  
REINHARDT: That's one way to remove snow.

LUCIO: IM ON FIRE

ZARYA: Roll around.  
ZARYA: It might go out.

MCCREE: thats what you get for getting lost in the snow

LUCIO: WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

76: HOW LONG HAS THERE BEEN A FLAMETHROWER ON BASE?

MEI: A while.  
MEI: Zarya and I have been working on it for a while now.

WINSTON: Why?

MEI: No particular reason.  
MEI: But aren't you glad that we had it?

WINSTON: I...  
WINSTON: Won't argue that.

LUCIO: STILL ON FIRE

PHARAH: "Hey, I'm on fire! Let me just text about it instead of actually fucking putting it out!"

LUCIO: FUCK YOU

ASHE: Does this happen a lot?

GENJI: nah theres usually more explosions

ANA: But other than that it hasnt been much different

ASHE: Interesting.

WINSTON: Is anything, other than Lucio, on fire?

ZARYA: No.

WINSTON: Well, I guess that's good enough.

LUCIO: MY SKIN IS BLISTERING

MERCY: I'm off-duty.  
MERCY: I have to schedule at least two hours a day for sex.

MCCREE: thank you for sharing that with me

GENJI: yeah really im happy that i now know that

JUNKRAT: LOL

WINSTON: Can this not happen again?

MEI: Tell Junkrat to stay out of the lab and we'll have no further issues.

ANA: Thats a lie

REINHARDT: Yeah, someone will definitely find another way to cause an uproar.

TRACER: but thats what makes us great!

REAPER: **You're all idiots.**

GENJI: old news

LUCIO: THAT WAS NOT WHAT I WANTED

ROADHOG: you kept complaining

LUCIO: I DIDNT WANT WATER THROWN ON ME

ROADHOG: in time im sure youll come to thank me

LUCIO: DOUBT IT

MOIRA: I didn't even get to see the snow...

SOMBRA: tough

DOOMFIST: That's what happens when you leave the milk out overnight.

MOIRA: I SAID I WAS SORRY!

SOMBRA: its not good enough

MOIRA: I EVEN BOUGHT A NEW ONE!

SOMBRA: THE DAMAGE HAD ALREADY BEEN DONE  
SOMBRA: I HAD TO EAT MY CEREAL DRY  
SOMBRA: I CAN NEVER FORGIVE THIS BETRAYAL

MCCREE: its good to see that at least talon is just as worse off as we are

REAPER: **We're really not.**

ANA: Lying gets u nowhere

REAPER: **Says the woman who faked her death and lied to everyone for years.**

ANA: At least i didnt have to blow up a building to prove a point

REAPER: **I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, AMARI!**

ANA: BRING IT SMOKEY

**[REAPER] left chatroom [LET'S GET THIS BREAD]**

**[ANA AMARI] left chatroom [LET'S GET THIS BREAD]**

76: What the fuck is this team?

D.VA: pure brilliance

GENJI: seconded

MCCREE: thirded

DOOMFIST: It's definitely something, alright.

GENJI: dont act like u dont have fun in this chat

DOOMFIST: I refuse to admit to anything.

TRACER: ill take that as a yes


	69. nice

LUCIO: IM LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD LMFAO

TRACER: why are you laughing?  
TRACER: this is horrifying

LUCIO: IM GONNA FUCKING PUKE

MCCREE: i dont know who did this but just know that i love you

GENJI: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF U IS GOING TO DIE

76: What the hell is going on?

ANA: genji got fucked

REINHARDT: Pretty much.

76: That didn't explain anything to me.

SOMBRA: OMG IM LOOKING THROUGH THE CAMERAS  
SOMBRA: AKANDE YOU NEED TO SEE THIS IM FUCKING DYING

DOOMFIST: What?

SOMBRA: *BOOP*

DOOMFIST: ...  
DOOMFIST: What the fuck?

GENJI: SHUT UR FUCKING MOUTH

D.VA: DBNVSDJHGEBNDLNLDSBDBKDBNDLBHN  
D.VA: I JUST SPIT MOUNTAIN DEW ALL OVER MY COMMUNICATOR HOLY FUCKING SHIT

GENJI: I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING U HOLD NEAR AND DEAR

76: _WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?_

MCCREE: someone took genjis faceplate and he couldnt find it so he had to improvise

GENJI: GUYS ITS NOT FUNNY  
GENJI: GIVE IT BACK

WINSTON: Can we all just calm down for one second.  
WINSTON: Improvised with what?

LUCIO: YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU

WINSTON: I don't think you could tell me anything that would shock me.

GENJI: IT WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD

TRACER: A PAPER BAG WOULDVE WORKED JUST AS WELL!

GENJI: WE DONT HAVE ANYMORE!  
GENJI: JUNKRAT NEEDED KINDLING FOR THE BONFIRE LAST NIGHT

WINSTON: The what?

JUNKRAT: GENJI THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET MATE

GENJI: THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS AT STAKE THAN UR STUPID SECRETS

ROADHOG: it wasnt a secret the entire base showed up

JUNKRAT: QUIET MATE

WINSTON: Someone please tell me what's happening before I have an aneurysm.

MCCREE: i already told you someone took his faceplate  
MCCREE: and he didnt want to walk around with his horribly deformed face just out in the open like that so he grabbed the first thing he could find

WINSTON: Which was?

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: a burger king mask

D.VA: DFLJDGVNFDJKDHVHJDVFSNJFVBHJFDHJKBJHFDNJGBHJKGFJHLBGJHGAFDNJBSNJKGAFNJKBNJKGANJKBFNJGANJKBNJGNJBNJFABNBHJKGAJBKNBSNBJKANJKBBNAVBAKJFBKAJBBFAFKJGBFDJBGFAKJGHFGHGIURHKJGHAJNFOZDSJMBVASDFNGBJARSJHGLKASDBNGKLJAHSERGKHJASDHGLKDSKFVDNDFSHJKFBVDKHJFDRHKJGFHKJFDSHJKBFHKJFERDWBKJGFDUHFSDAHJKBFGVDHJKLDRFSJKLHBGFDHKJLFDSAJKFGHKJFBGBHJAGFKGFBHGFADKJLHGAHJGAFHKJGFAHJKLGFAHJKGAHJKGFHJKGABJBNBAHJKLAGBRHJKGBHAGSHBFAHLJKGAFHUGHLAGHFOFGHAFHDGAFSPFAGPAPBGPHAFSPBHPFAPHAFNAPNAFPNNPBFADSPNBABAFKJHBAFKABFJHBAFHKJBAFHKJBFAHH

LUCIO: IM ABOUT TO FUCKING PEE MYSELF  
LUCIO: I SERIOUSLY CANT HANDLE THIS

GENJI: ITS NOT FUNNY

LUCIO: QUITE THE CONTRARY  
LUCIO: ITS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING IVE EVER SEEN

76: What the fuck is wrong with you?

GENJI: I DIDNT STEAL THE FACEPLATE JACK  
GENJI: SOMEONE ELSE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS AND WHEN I FIND OUT WHO IT IS THEY WILL DIE HORRIBLY

MCCREE: it wasnt me  
MCCREE: but god i wish it was

ANA: This wasnt done by our usual suspects  
ANA: Theyre not smart enough for this

D.VA: rude

ANA: But right

D.VA: ...fine

GENJI: SOMEONE BETTER FESS UP  
GENJI: OTHERWISE ILL JUST GO AROUND BASE AND CUT EVERYONE INTO CUBES IDGAF

REINHARDT: You're welcome to try.  
REINHARDT: Although I'm pretty sure you already know how poorly that will turn out for you.

GENJI: IM JUST A SIMPLE MAN I DONT NEED THIS

LUCIO: HOLY SHIT THE MOUTH ON THE MASK MOVES WHEN HE TALKS  
LUCIO: IM FUCKING LOSING MY SHIT RIGHT NOW

MEI: I know.  
MEI: I can hear you from the lab.

D.VA: when did you get here?

MEI: A while ago.

GENJI: U BETTER NOT BE BEHIND THIS MEI

MEI: I have more important things to deal with than your bullshit.

GENJI: THIS ISNT BULLSHIT ITS A SERIOUS PROBLEM

MEI: Maybe you should have thought of that before you got yourself killed.

GENJI: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANA: Damn rekted

REINHARDT: 

LUCIO: HOLY FUCKING CHRIST THIS TEAM IS GOING TO KILL ME

GENJI: NOT IF I DO IT FIRST

76: How do these things even happen?

TRACER: who knows?  
TRACER: its just really funny!

MERCY: Wait, why do you have a Burger King mask in your room?

D.VA: lmao

ASHE: Out of all the damn things to ask...  
ASHE: You choose that?

MERCY: I'm curious.  
MERCY: I wasn't even aware there was a Burger King in the area.

MCCREE: maybe youd notice if you went somewhere other than the med wing and fareehas bed

TRACER: gay

MERCY: Leave me alone.

REAPER: **Sombra, what the fuck are you putting on my holoscreen?**

SOMBRA: use your eyes gabe  
SOMBRA: thats what theyre for

REAPER: _**I was watching Full House...**_

SOMBRA: this is more important

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **Why is Genji wearing that?**

GENJI: SOMEONE STOLE MY FACEPLATE

REAPER: **You're a disgrace to Blackwatch.**

GENJI: I DIDNT BLOW THE BASE UP

REAPER: **I was hoping it would kill me so I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit anymore.**  
REAPER: **I was cheated.**

76: As was I.

ANA: And so were the rest of us  
ANA: Cause now we have to deal with the two of u and ur gay shit

76: Fuck you.

LUCIO: DSJGNJHD OH MY GOD GENJI YOUR NEW FACE IS GOING TO PUT ME IN CARDIAC ARREST

GENJI: _I WILL FUCKING KILL U_

D.VA: everyone needs to see this  
D.VA: @EVERYONE

MEI: Everyone's already here, Hana.

D.VA: then why isnt anyone saying anything?

MEI: Because some of us are busy doing actual work.

D.VA: boring

PHARAH: What's going on?

MERCY: Don't worry about it.  
MERCY: Now, where were we?  
MERCY: ;-)

MCCREE: i feel like your subjecting us to this on purpose

MERCY: I haven't the foggiest idea of what you mean.

ASHE: BOB won't stop playing that stupid fucking Kirby game.

D.VA: is it just stupid because you lost like thirty times in a row?

ASHE: 

LUCIO: GUYS  
LUCIO: PLEASE STOP  
LUCIO: I CANT BREATHE

REINHARDT: I think we need to induct Ashe into the ranks of Overwatch...

WINSTON: Overruled.

REINHARDT: _TYRANNY!_

ASHE: Nah, it's better this way.  
ASHE: I can't kill Jesse if I'm part of the team.

ANA: Tell that to hanzo and genji

HANZO: Enough of this.

EMILY: Is everything alright in here?

D.VA: jesus fuck i havent seen you in a while

EMILY: Sorry, I've been busy.  
EMILY: But I couldn't ignore the amount of texts being sent right now.

MCCREE: what was your excuse for the last thirty times this happened?

EMILY: Once again...  
EMILY: Very busy.

TRACER: still love you <3

EMILY: <3

D.VA: gay

EMILY: No shame.

SOMBRA: this is the greatest fucking thing ive ever seen

EMILY: What's going on?

SOMBRA: here ill show you  
SOMBRA: **attached image: genjishavingithiswaylol.png**

EMILY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
EMILY: OH MY GOD THAT'S MY NEW FAVORITE PICTURE!  
EMILY: I'M MAKING IT MY PHONE BACKGROUND!

GENJI: DONT U FUCKING DARE

TRACER: BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT PICTURE OF THE TWO OF US AND AMELIE?

EMILY: SCREENSAVER!  
EMILY: DON'T WORRY LOVE, I WOULD NEVER REPLACE YOU TWO!

TRACER: <3

PHARAH: LOL!  
PHARAH: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT THIS WAS HAPPENING!  
PHARAH: I'M SO HAPPY TO HAVE WITNESSED THIS!

GENJI: _**I FUCKING HATE U ALL!**_

DOOMFIST: I don't get it, honestly.

MCCREE: how the fuck do you not get it?  
MCCREE: genjis wearing a burger king mask  
MCCREE: its supposed to be funny

DOOMFIST: Juvenile humor doesn't exactly do it for me.

SOMBRA: you literally spent like two hours laughing at fail videos

DOOMFIST: People falling down is funny.

D.VA: tbh im surprised that doomfist laughs at all

ANA: Same

GENJI: THIS ISNT FUNNY AND WHEN I FIND OUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE THEIR BODY WILL NEVER BE RECOVERED

ASHE: I think there's a max of two people on this base that you could beat in a fight.  
ASHE: Maybe three if we're including that stupid bird.

BASTION: (ಠ_ಠ)

REINHARDT: No, I'm fairly certain that Ganymede could beat Genji as well.

MCCREE: i wouldnt insult ganymede if i were you  
MCCREE: bastion doesnt take too kindly to that

BOB: ...

BASTION: :)

ASHE: STOP FUCKING APOLOGIZING FOR ME, YOU DUMB HUNK OF STEEL!

GENJI: WHEN I FIND MY FACEPLATE I SWEAR TO GOD  
GENJI: HANDS WILL BE THROWN

SOMBRA: good luck bitch lol

_________________________

GENJI: ITS NOT THERE EITHER

MCCREE: _THAT WAS **MY** ROOM_

GENJI: LOOKS LIKE UR GONNA BE REDECORATING

MCCREE: YOU MOTHER FUCKER

WINSTON: _STOP BREAKING THINGS!_

GENJI: IM GONNA DO MORE THAN JUST BREAK THINGS IF I DONT FIND MY FACE

LUCIO: I LITERALLY CANT LAUGH ANYMORE  
LUCIO: I THINK MY LAUGH BOX RUPTURED

MERCY: That's not exactly a good thing.

LUCIO: ITS OKAY THIS IS HOW I WANT TO GO OUT

WIDOWMAKER: What is going on?

D.VA: genji got his face stolen

PHARAH: I still think Moira did it.

MOIRA: I'M NOT EVEN THERE!  
MOIRA: HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN ME?

PHARAH: I don't know, but I wouldn't put it past you.

TRACER: weve been betting on who we think it is

HANZO: The majority still believes that Torbjorn is responsible.

ORISA: As funny as that would be, I can confirm that he is not.  
ORISA: I've been with him the whole day.  
ORISA: He hasn't left the armory once.

BRIGITTE: ...I'm rescinding my bet.

HANZO: I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that.

BRIGITTE: BUT THAT WAS MY SHOPPING MONEY!

HANZO: And I'm sure you regret betting with it now.

BRIGITTE: DAMMIT!  
BRIGITTE: I COULD'VE SWORN MY DAD DID IT!

SYMMETRA: It's okay, Brigitte.  
SYMMETRA: I still love you, foolish bets and all.

BRIGITTE: <3

SYMMETRA: <3

HANZO: The three other bets are scattered around.  
HANZO: But I get the feeling that none of them are right either.

WIDOWMAKER: It was me.

GENJI: FUCKING WHAT

MCCREE: oh shit

LUCIO: ***LUCIO HAS DIED***

REINHARDT: Didn't see that coming.

D.VA: okay this is epic

GENJI: WIDOWMAKER  
GENJI: DO U WANT TO DIE?

WIDOWMAKER: I highly doubt you could even come close to me.

SOMBRA: LMAO THIS IS SO GREAT  
SOMBRA: THE PLOT TWIST NO ONE EXPECTED

DOOMFIST: Why?

WIDOWMAKER: I thought the cyborg would have the best reaction.

ANA: Idk lucios been choking on his lungs for the last hour or so

WIDOWMAKER: Plus, I was curious to see what his battle scars looked like.

REINHARDT: Have you seen "Revenge of the Sith?"  
REINHARDT: He basically looks like Anakin after he got dumped in the lava.

SOMBRA: minus the swag

MCCREE: anakin had no swag whatsoever in the prequels

REAPER: **DO NOT MENTION THE PREQUELS IN THIS CHAT!**

WINSTON: We are getting way off topic.

TRACER: idk its pretty on par for what usually happens

GENJI: GIVE ME BACK MY FACE

WIDOWMAKER: I didn't technically take it from you.  
WIDOWMAKER: That was Hanzo's doing.

HANZO: Leave me out of this.

76: How did you even get it?

WIDOWMAKER: He takes it off before he goes to sleep.  
WIDOWMAKER: The rest was pretty easy.

GENJI: HOW DID U EVEN GET IN MY ROOM?  
GENJI: THE WINDOWS WERE LOCKED

WIDOWMAKER: I'm an assassin.  
WIDOWMAKER: I wouldn't be good at my job otherwise.

MERCY: I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES THAT YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE IT OFF!

GENJI: THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR AN I TOLD U SO

EMILY: I almost forgot how entertaining this chat was.

ASHE: It's certainly something, alright.

EMILY: I don't recognize your name.  
EMILY: Have we met?

ASHE: Probably not.  
ASHE: Unless you've dealt with Gangs in New Mexico recently.

EMILY: I can't say that I have.

ASHE: Then no.  
ASHE: Can't say that we have.

EMILY: I'm Emily.

ASHE: Charmed.  
ASHE: Elizabeth Caledonia Ashe.  
ASHE: Also known as Calamity.  
ASHE: You can just call me Ashe.

EMILY: Pleasure.

MCCREE: dont trust her emily  
MCCREE: shed kill you for looking at her funny

ASHE: AS LONG AS YOU DON'T BETRAY ME AND SELL MY BOYS OUT, I THINK WE'LL GET ALONG JUST FINE!

MCCREE: THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED AND YOU KNOW IT

ASHE: TRY ME, COWBOY!

D.VA: elizabeth is a pretty name

ASHE: Stop trying.

D.VA: MY FEMININE WILES WILL BREAK YOU DOWN EVENTUALLY

ASHE: I spent eleven months getting tortured in a cell.  
ASHE: I'm pretty sure I can handle you.

D.VA: PLEASE

76: Both of you, stop.

GENJI: can i please have my faceplate back?

TRACER: did he just say please?

ANA: Do my ears deceive me?

WIDOWMAKER: ...I'll admit, I wasn't expecting that.

GENJI: ive been enough shit today  
GENJI: im willing to compromise just once

WIDOWMAKER: ...Very well.  
WIDOWMAKER: I've left your faceplate in a particular location.

GENJI: where?

WIDOWMAKER: I'll send you the coordinates.

GENJI: please dont be far away

__________________________

GENJI: I HATE U

WIDOWMAKER: I didn't say it was going to be easy.

GENJI: U KNOW THAT I CANT SWIM

WIDOWMAKER: Better get to doggy-paddling then, bitch boy.

LUCIO: YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF PAIN MY CHEST IS IN RIGHT NOW  
LUCIO: I LEGIT CANT STOP LAUGHING

GENJI: IF I SINK AND DIE ITS ON U

WIDOWMAKER: You've survived once, you'll be fine.

GENJI: IM NOT DOING THIS SHIT

REINHARDT: Don't worry, Genji.  
REINHARDT: I'll get you over there.

GENJI: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

REINHARDT: JUST GET IN THE WATER!

GENJI: NO

REINHARDT: _IT'S OVER ANAKIN, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!_

GENJI: _GET UR FUCKING HAMMER AWAY FROM ME_

WINSTON: _STOP!_

______________________

MCCREE: i dont see any more bubbles

PHARAH: It appears that he drowned.

SOMBRA: drowned  
SOMBRA: sunk  
SOMBRA: its all the same

REINHARDT: Shame.  
REINHARDT: He will never succeed until he conquers his fears.

TRACER: f

JUNKRAT: F

ORISA: F

BOB: ...

D.VA: i cant believe all that just happened  
D.VA: and im so thankful that i got to witness it all

ANA: wait i see the water glowing

HANZO: I would take a few steps back if I were you.

BRIGITTE: Oh, there he is.

TRACER: hes flopping like a dolphin

HANZO: That's just how he swims.

MCCREE: no wonder he drowned his technique is horrible

DOOMFIST: It couldn't possibly be because of the fact that he's made entirely out of steel, could it?

MCCREE: nah thats just a cop out reason

DOOMFIST: ...I don't understand any of you.

ASHE: Oh hey, he got it.

ROADHOG: how is he going to get back over now?

HANZO: Give him a minute.

______________________

MERCY: Don't do this again.

GENJI: ITS NOT LIKE I HAD A CHOICE

MCCREE: you only missed the dock by about thirty feet  
MCCREE: with some practice im sure youll get the hang of it

GENJI: IM NEVER GOING IN THE WATER AGAIN

SYMMETRA: What did that eel do to you?

GENJI: he was supposed to drag me back to shore

REINHARDT: You grabbed it's tail.  
REINHARDT: You're lucky that it didn't bite you.

GENJI: it can bite all it fucking wants  
GENJI: im made out of metal  
GENJI: it wouldve just lost its teeth

ASHE: I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to this.

ANA: U wont  
ANA: Ive been here for like twenty years and i still dont understand half the shit that happens  
ANA: I just laugh hysterically at it all

WIDOWMAKER: This is all I could've asked for.

GENJI: if u ever touch my shit again ill fucking gut u

WIDOWMAKER: I wish you the best of luck

MCCREE: all the luck in the world wouldnt help him at this point

GENJI: fuck u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking love this job.


	70. scavenger hunts are now banned on base

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year y'all. New Year, same old fuckery.

HANZO: This is stupid.

SOMBRA: lighten up

HANZO: I will not.  
HANZO: I didn't join this team so I could be sucked into moronic activities.

ANA: Yes u did  
ANA: It was in the fine print that im sure u didnt read

HANZO: No it wasn't.  
HANZO: I fully examined the contract.

ANA: Did u?  
ANA: Shit there goes my plan

GENJI: hanzo just doesnt like having fun

HANZO: Nothing you all do is fun.

MCCREE: name one thing thats not fun

HANZO: I can name forty two.  
HANZO: But the one that sticks out the most to me is hiding Widowmaker's clothes.

GENJI: come on that was funny

HANZO: No it wasn't.  
HANZO: The four of you are lucky that you're even still drawing breath.

LUCIO: i wasnt for a while  
LUCIO: thank god there was still a ventilator on base

MERCY: Working with this organization makes me regret wanting to be a doctor.

WIDOWMAKER: Would you prefer to start practicing as a mortician?

MERCY: I would appreciate if you didn't kill them.  
MERCY: Yet.

WIDOWMAKER: They should all be dead right now.  
WIDOWMAKER: McCree is extremely lucky that his flashbang actually hit me.

MCCREE: cant shoot us if youre blind

D.VA: what are you talking about she still shot me twice after the flash went off

MCCREE: *cant shoot all of us if youre blind

WIDOWMAKER: Touch any of my belongings again and we'll test that theory.

GENJI: is that a challenge?

WIDOWMAKER: It's a threat.

GENJI: ...i no longer feel that the workplace is a safe environment

WIDOWMAKER: It's not.  
WIDOWMAKER: Especially while I'm here.

TRACER: hey say what you want but i really enjoyed the view that day!

WIDOWMAKER: ...  
WIDOWMAKER: <3

TRACER: <3

EMILY: <3

WIDOWMAKER: @EMILY <3

TRACER: @EMILY <3

LUCIO: okay we get it you three are gay

TRACER: thanks for noticing!

ASHE: What the hell is going on here?

D.VA: sombra and i just proposed a brand new game for the team to bond over

MCCREE: this isnt new weve done this before with disastrous results

D.VA: come on itll be fun  
D.VA: especially with all these people

REINHARDT: I still think my game idea was better.

SOMBRA: it wasnt

LUCIO: wait what did reinhardt suggest?

D.VA: LUCIO NO

REINHARDT: 

ANA: Ur being blocked

MCCREE: forget getting blocked im deleting his number altogether

REINHARDT: WHY ARE YOU ALL SO AFRAID OF THE TRUTH?

LUCIO: im fucking weak lmao

DOOMFIST: What the fuck is that?

REINHARDT: BIG CHUNGUS!  
REINHARDT: OUR CREATOR AND OUR SAVIOR!

SOMBRA: DONT DO THIS AGAIN

REINHARDT: HE IS THE HERO THAT WE NEED!

D.VA: MOVING ON  
D.VA: sombra and i set up a scavenger hunt on base  
D.VA: you dont have to participate but understand that if you dont sombras going to post your browser history online

GENJI: i dont like being threatened like this

SOMBRA: so play

ANA: Can we work in teams?

SOMBRA: sure  
SOMBRA: hana and i are going to work together

D.VA: ashe wanna team up with us?

ASHE: ...Eh, why not?

D.VA: !!!!!!!!!  
D.VA: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME RIGHT NOW!

ASHE: The _second_ you start acting weird, I'm abandoning the two of y'all right quick.

D.VA: I WILL NOT BE WEIRD  
D.VA: I PROMISE

ASHE: See to it.

ANA: Im working with reinhardt and torb

TORBJORN: I am absolutely not doing this.

SOMBRA: your funeral

TORBJORN: I don't know why you think posting my browser history is going to scare me.  
TORBJORN: If anything, it's going to make you all pray that mental bleach existed.

SOMBRA: ...

LUCIO: okay im actually really curious to see what hes got hiding in his history

GENJI: dude honestly same

ANA: Fine illl just work with reinhardt  
ANA: Unless winston wants to join in

WINSTON: I'm going to have to take a rain check on this.  
WINSTON: I have some important business to attend to in the lab.  
WINSTON: Just please don't break anything

ANA: Do u think that were some kind of barbarians?

WINSTON: Barbarians would be too polite.

ANA: Fine

GENJI: wait so what do we have to find?

SOMBRA: ill message all the groups a list of things they need to find

MOIRA: Can I play?

SOMBRA: only if akande plays with you

DOOMFIST: First of all, I'm not even there.  
DOOMFIST: Second of all, I would rather die.

SOMBRA: boring

DOOMFIST: That's a title I wear proudly.

SOMBRA: come on if im forcing gabe to play the least you can do is humor me

DOOMFIST: I know better.  
DOOMFIST: If I give you an inch, you take a mile.

REAPER: **I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!**

SOMBRA: too bad  
SOMBRA: itd be a shame if everyone learned about your guilty pleasure show wouldnt it?

REAPER: **BLACKMAIL IS ILLEGAL!**

SOMBRA: only if i get caught  
SOMBRA: and something tells me that the terrorist isnt going to waltz into the police station and report me

REAPER: **...I'm only participating if Jack's on my team.**

76: I'm not doing this shit.

REAPER: **PLEASE!**

MCCREE: oh wow he actually said please

GENJI: now u have to do it jack

76: Fucking.  
76: Fine.

SOMBRA: yay team bonding moment

HANZO: I still think that this is the most inane thing you've dragged me into yet.

D.VA: just give it a try at least  
D.VA: maybe youll actually have fun

HANZO: Doubtful.

________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

JESSE: i think we got the bad list  
JESSE: where the fuck are we going to find a turtle shell?

GENJI: oh jeez idk maybe in the fucking ocean that the base is overlooking?

JESSE: are you proposing that we go murder a sea turtle for its shell?

GENJI: oh god no  
GENJI: i just figured that sombra would be the kind of person to hide things in plain sight

JESSE: hey if she hid everything why is she playing?  
JESSE: thats cheating

GENJI: no idea  
GENJI: maybe shes just bored

JESSE: found it  
JESSE: she hid it under a rock  
JESSE: how many things do we have left?

GENJI: 14

JESSE: fuck

GENJI: lets just raid angelas room  
GENJI: id bet anything that sombra hid a ton of stuff in there

JESSE: one of the items is literally angelas dildo

GENJI: im not fucking touching that

JESSE: she did say it was a nsfw scavenger hunt

GENJI: why the hell did we agree to do this?

JESSE: hey i just followed your lead and you didnt do anything

GENJI: ur allowed to make decisions too ya know

JESSE: the last time i took charge liao and kimiko fell down an elevator shaft

GENJI: ...i literally forgot all about that

JESSE: definitely wasnt my finest moment

GENJI: lets just get this shit done already  
GENJI: my show starts in 40 minutes

JESSE: lead the way

_________________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANA: DUDE  
HANA: SHES HOLDING MY HAND AND I DONT EVEN THINK SHE KNOWS THAT SHES DOING IT  
HANA: DSKFSDAJNKDFSJKHNGFJHKFDJSHKGFHJDASJHAGLG

LUCIO: was this entire thing just a ploy to get ashe in your bed?

HANA: not entirely  
HANA: but that was a big contributing factor

LUCIO: so you forced me to search for obscure items with junkrat and roadhog just so you could flirt harder with ashe?

HANA: ...kinda

LUCIO: do i even get a reward for finding everything?

HANA: ...we didnt actually have one

LUCIO: bruh  
LUCIO: what was the point?

HANA: i already told you  
HANA: its mostly for my gain

LUCIO: when do the rest of us gain something?

HANA: hey just because you all wont shoot your shots doesnt mean i cant

LUCIO: this is ridiculous

HANA: on another note  
HANA: this competitive side of ashe is _super_ sexy

LUCIO: why must you do this?

HANA: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

______________________

**PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE**

HANZO: I'm quitting.

SATYA: Hanzo, please.  
SATYA: I can't do this without you.

HANZO: You have Brigitte, do you not?

SATYA: Please.

HANZO: I didn't even want to do this.

SATYA: Neither did I.  
SATYA: I figured that suffering together was better than suffering alone.

HANZO: I don't understand why I have to suffer at all.

SATYA: That's just how the team is.

HANZO: I knew I made a mistake joining.

SATYA: And I'm not denying that.  
SATYA: Please just don't leave me alone.

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: You're lucky that you're one of the three people on this base that I can tolerate.

SATYA: I knew our daily tea breaks were good for something.

HANZO: Guess I'll keep looking.

SATYA: Thank you.

____________________

GENJI: jesse are u coming or not?

MCCREE: give me a second its not easy to lug this fucking chair around

TRACER: why do you have a chair?

MCCREE: fuck if i know  
MCCREE: it was on the list

EMILY: These lists are weird.  
EMILY: The three of us just had to pull a chain out of the fountain.

REINHARDT: Why are you all getting the easy stuff?  
REINHARDT: Ana and I have been trying to reach the flag on top of the satellite for the last twenty minutes.

JUNKRAT: WAIT IS EVERYTHING ABOVE GROUND?  
JUNKRAT: ARE ROADIE AND I TREKKING THROUGH THE SEWERS FOR NO REASON?

SOMBRA: i didnt say it was going to be easy

GENJI: how did u even find half of this stuff?

SOMBRA: im perceptive

LUCIO: at least were not jack or gabe rn  
LUCIO: they both got locked in the boiler room

ANA: Um how?  
ANA: That door locks from the inside

76: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

REAPER: **HOW DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?**

76: SHUT UP!

HANZO: I stand by my statement about this being idiotic.

BRIGITTE: Literally no one's disagreeing with you.

GENJI: jesse come on already

MCCREE: im coming fucks sake

GENJI: its in here

MCCREE: id fucking hope so

GENJI: im going in

MCCREE: i wish you luck

GENJI: the doors locked

MCCREE: duh

GENJI: im breaking it down

WINSTON: GENJI, WAIT!

_____________________

GENJI: THIS WAS A MISTAKE  
GENJI: THIS WAS A VERY BIG MISTAKE

PHARAH: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

GENJI: IM SEARCHING FOR SHIT IN THIS STUPID SCAVENGER HUNT

PHARAH: _DO NOT DISTURB!_

GENJI: DONT U HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO SCREW ANGELA EVERY SECOND?

PHARAH: NO!  
PHARAH: NAME ONE THING BETTER THAN SCREWING ANGELA!

REINHARDT: Please stop.

MCCREE: i told you not to break it down

MERCY: DON'T ANY OF YOU FUCKERS KNOCK?

GENJI: TAKES TOO MUCH TIME

MERCY: I'M NOT REVIVING YOU AFTER PHARAH KILLS YOU!

GENJI: GOOD  
GENJI: U WOULD BE DOING ME A FAVOR

SOMBRA: lmao i knew i gave that list to the right person

GENJI: LEAVE ME ALONE

PHARAH: NO!  
PHARAH: YOU WILL LEARN RESPECT!

GENJI: JESSE WHY R U NOT HELPING ME?

MCCREE: youre serving as a distraction  
MCCREE: since theyre both chasing you i can sneak in and get what we need

MERCY: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

MCCREE: GIVE ME TWO MINUTES  
MCCREE: GENJI QUICK WHAT DO WE NEED?

GENJI: ANGELAS DILDO AND FAREEHAS ROCKET LAUNCHER

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: THERES LIKE FIVE DILDOS HERE WHICH ONE AM I TAKING?

MERCY: GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM!

GENJI: IDK MAN JUST TAKE ONE  
GENJI: IM NOT DYING SO U CAN JUST FUCK THIS UP

PHARAH: JESSE, DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ANYTHING!

MCCREE: IM TOUCHING SOMETHING  
MCCREE: _**SPOILER ALERT ITS YOUR ROCKET LAUNCHER**_

PHARAH: JESSE!

MCCREE: GENJI IF YOU SURVIVE ILL MEET YOU IN THE SECRET LOFT

GENJI: IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT THAT FAR

PHARAH: _**JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!**_

______________________________

REINHARDT: Well.

LUCIO: im fucking cracking up rn holy shit

GENJI: MY LEGS

PHARAH: YOU'RE LUCKY IT WASN'T YOUR HEAD!

76: Why?  
76: WHY DOES THIS SHIT ALWAYS END THIS WAY?

PHARAH: BECAUSE GENJI'S A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE!

GENJI: IM TAKING UP SIGNIFICANTLY LESS SPACE NOW THAT U BLEW MY LEGS UP

ANA: When we added fareeha to this chat i did not expect to learn everything about her sex life and yet here we are

HANZO: When I joined this team, which I wholeheartedly regret by the way, I did not expect to be forced into a shitposting chatroom and look at me now.

SOMBRA: and youre both better people because of this

HANZO: I disagree.

GENJI: @ANGELA  
GENJI: I NEED HEALING

MERCY: TOUGH SHIT!  
MERCY: I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DIDN'T STOP!

GENJI: _I CAN MAKE THIS SO MUCH WORSE FOR U_

MERCY: DOUBT IT!

GENJI: @MERCY  
GENJI: I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED 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NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I 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NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED 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NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED 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NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING I NEED HEALING

MERCY: FUCKING STOP BEFORE I ACTUALLY KILL YOU!

TRACER: HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD IM IN TEARS

MCCREE: this was so not worth it  
MCCREE: do i at least get a prize?

SOMBRA: yeah uh  
SOMBRA: about that

DOOMFIST: You didn't make a prize, did you?

SOMBRA: oops

REAPER: **SO I GOT LOCKED IN THE BOILER ROOM FOR NOTHING?**

ANA: THE LOCK IS INSIDE  
ANA: UR BOTH IDIOTS

REAPER: **FUCK YOU!**

BRIGITTE: I think the next time this team starts hiring, IQ tests need to be mandatory.

MCCREE: ha  
MCCREE: next time  
MCCREE: well all be dead before that

PHARAH: SOME SOONER THAN OTHERS IF THEY DON'T GIVE ME MY STUFF BACK!

MCCREE: im putting it back  
MCCREE: now that i know theres no prize i see no point in keeping it

GENJI: I DID NOT BECOME LEGLESS FOR THIS

MCCREE: not my fault

REINHARDT: Where has Hana been for the majority of this?  
REINHARDT: I feel like she did this solely to upset everyone.

SOMBRA: yeah about that too

MCCREE: ...dont you fucking dare

SOMBRA: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah

MCCREE: youre fucking lying

ANA: Wait what?

MCCREE: SHE DIDNT

SOMBRA: hey man she was determined

BRIGITTE: Am I missing something?

HANZO: I think I might be as well.

MCCREE: I SWEAR TO SHIT

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [I DO NOT CONTROL THE SPEED OF WHICH LOBSTERS DIE]**

**[HANA "D.VA" SONG] entered chatroom [I DO NOT CONTROL THE SPEED OF WHICH LOBSTERS DIE]**

GENJI: NO  
GENJI: FUCKING  
GENJI: WAY

LUCIO: BRUH

MCCREE: I CANT BELIEVE THIS

ASHE: Okay, in my defense.  
ASHE: She tempted me with chocolate.

MCCREE: EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE

D.VA: SAY WHAT YOU WANT  
D.VA: I AM THE HAPPIEST WOMAN ON EARTH

BOB: ...

ASHE: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

BOB: ...

ASHE: DON'T PRETEND THAT YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE!

MCCREE: MY BRAIN IS MELTING  
MCCREE: COWBOY MACHINE BROKE

REINHARDT: Was this your end goal?

D.VA: more or less  
D.VA: and im so happy that i succeeded

ASHE: This was a one time thing.

ANA: uh huh sure

GENJI: why is overwatch so gay?

PHARAH: It's something in the water, I think.

D.VA: IM LITERALLY SO HAPPY RN

76: I could not be more furious.

REAPER: **Wanna bet?**

76: Shut up.

**[HAMMOND] entered chatroom [I DO NOT CONTROL THE SPEED OF WHICH LOBSTERS DIE]**

HAMMOND: JUNKRAT, GIVE ME BACK MY BALL RIGHT NOW BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL YOU!

JUNKRAT: IT WAS ON THE LIST MATE DONT BLAME ME

HAMMOND: _NOW!_

JUNKRAT: FINE OKAY IM BRINGING IT BACK

HAMMOND: QUICKLY!  
HAMMOND: BEFORE I CUT YOU WITH A SCALPEL AND REMOVE YOUR INSIDES TO FEED TO THE RATS!

JUNKRAT: YA KNOW I THOUGHT YOU WERE REALLY COOL AT FIRST BUT NOW I THINK YOURE JUST A BULLY

HAMMOND: _YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORSE THIS CAN GET FOR YOU!_

JUNKRAT: ROADIE HELPED ME WHY ARENT YOU THREATENING HIM?

HAMMOND: BECAUSE YOU BOTHER ME MUCH MORE THAN HE DOES!

JUNKRAT: GODDAMMIT WHY DOES EVERYTHING LIKE ROADIE MORE THAN ME?  
JUNKRAT: IM A FUN GUY

ANA: Well for starters hes really quiet

REINHARDT: He doesn't blow anything up.

MERCY: He's very helpful when needed.

GENJI: he doesnt eat food clearly labeled for someone else

TRACER: plus hes awesome at video games!

ROADHOG: i try

MCCREE: MY BRAIN IS STILL ON FIRE

D.VA: DEAL WITH IT  
D.VA: I GOT LAID BY HER AND YOU DIDNT

MCCREE: I NEVER WANTED TO

D.VA: DONT LIE

DOOMFIST: Is this what you all do all day?

LUCIO: well its not like we go on missions anymore so what else would we do?

DOOMFIST: Literally anything else.

GENJI: man everyones pairing off with someone else

LUCIO: yeah now we just need to convince angela to bang moira and everything will be solved

MOIRA: PLEASE!

MERCY: IT'S NOT HAPPENING!  
MERCY: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

MOIRA: I'LL BE GOOD!

MERCY: NO!

WINSTON: Why is Overwatch like this?

TRACER: overwatch is brilliant what do you mean?

WIDOWMAKER: I certainly find it better than Talon.

DOOMFIST: That one hurt.

WIDOWMAKER: Apologies Akande.  
WIDOWMAKER: I sometimes forget that you're still there.  
WIDOWMAKER: You're much too good for that organization.

REAPER: **DON'T START THIS!**

JUNKRAT: HERE MATE

HAMMOND: DON'T EVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN!

**[HAMMOND] left chatroom [I DO NOT CONTROL THE SPEED OF WHICH LOBSTERS DIE]**

WINSTON: He was very kind and pleasant when he first arrived here.  
WINSTON: It upsets me greatly to see that you've all corrupted him.

GENJI: it was bound to happen

LUCIO: thats what happens when he spends too much time with torb

REINHARDT: That's enough to break any man's will.

WINSTON: I can't believe this.

MCCREE: NEITHER CAN I  
MCCREE: ASHE  
MCCREE: YOU SERIOUSLY  
MCCREE: WHY DID YOU EVEN?

ASHE: I'm not talking about this.

MCCREE: BUT  
MCCREE: WHY?

ASHE: I felt like it.

BOB: ...

ASHE: BOB I SWEAR

MCCREE: DJKHFASJKGHASGHAS;LGSKGBASKJFDGBSA

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [I DO NOT CONTROL THE SPEED OF WHICH LOBSTERS DIE]**

REINHARDT: Well...

TRACER: ill get the mop

ANA: Better move quick  
ANA: Its not easy to get brain matter out of wallpaper

GENJI: its fine he doesnt have a lot to begin with

LUCIO: lmao this chat is everything i ever wanted in life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, I absolutely hate the Big Chungus meme. And I don't say that about memes often.


End file.
